44 Men Reveal What Snapped Them Out Of Toxic Masculinity And Alpha Male Online Worlds
"The Manosphere," "Alpha Males," "Toxic Masculinity," and "The Manoverse" are terms we're hearing increasingly often. They're online spaces that often promote a harmful misogynistic worldview, one that experts warn younger men should steer clear of. Unfortunately, as UN Women reported last year, about two-thirds of men online engage with masculinity influencers.
Luckily, some men do see the light eventually and break away from consuming that kind of content. Some spot the red flags almost immediately; others take some months or years to realize, "Hey, I think this is BS." Recently, men shared these eye-opening moments in an online thread where one netizen asked, "Men who got out of the 'Manoverse/Alpha Male/Toxic Masculinity' world, what realizations helped?"
Read on to find out how these men were lucky to finally see beyond the manipulations and, as one of them put it, see "that it's all about hiding being afraid."
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I was angry, miserable, and I hated everyone. Eventually I just had to accept that while the philosophy made me feel better by removing my responsibility, it didn't help me be happy.
So I just disconnected from it. I didn't deprogram or anything. I just got off of the social media pages I was following.
Then one day I was working in a shipyard. I had worked with this girl before, and knew she was good at her job. Quite competent. But that day we were working in the shop where all the bosses walked through to get to the office. Almost every single one felt the need to stop and tell her how to do her job. Telling her basic things she already knew. And that was the first time it really started to sink in for me what feminism was talking about, because they would have never treated a man the same way in that situation.
That stuff was after my time, but I did outgrow stupid notions of what masculinity means. You realize that real strength comes from responsibility, kindness to strangers, creating joy for and taking care of the ones who rely on and love you, and allowing *them* to care for you too.
You gotta break the cycle, especially if you want to have kids. It’s on you
Any dumb mf can hurt people, that’s not what being real is.
Being friends with guys who actually had happy girlfriends.
The cutest thing I ever heard in my life was the time i was in a call with both guys and girls hanging out (another important factor)
One guy's girlfriend came home and hearing her call for him with the cutest pet name and hearing how happy she was to get home to him before he brb and muted made it click for early 20s me.
This guy didnt flex his status he just made people WANT to come to him.
I started paying more attention to his corner of the friend group and realized this guy is just here for good vibes
Never tried to talk trash or tease others. Didn't roast anyone. No mind games, just brought everyone up.
I started paying attention to guys with happier relationships and now I just hear everything out. Took years, but i worked on it.
Before i knew it, that energy spread. people saw me being good to their friend and approached me because of it.
I made people feel safe. That's pretty manly. Good energy is contagious man.
My grandfather who was a great negotiator told me: if you let your emotions dictate your actions, you’ve lost.
The key word here is emotions, as opposed to morals, values, logic, reason etc.
The manosphere focuses a lot on anger, frustration and finger pointing. It’s nothing but letting your worst emotions take over. That’s just weak.
But I thought women were the ones that are "too emotional to lead". That always pops into my head whenever I see a 'manosphere' tantrum, ugh.
1. Girls are much nicer than what I thought.
I was in it because of my insecurities. I accept that I am insecure, even though I am doing reasonably well financially, I am very fit., etc. I routinely ask my girlfriend, "why would you want to be with me? I have an uncertain future, I am not so rich, etc." She has always replied with "you work hard, you love me and are kind, you are cute and take care of your self, that is all that matters.” That helped me snap out of the toxic masculine thinking of girls only date because of money, height, etc.
2. It is okay to make mistakes and learn from them
MAking mistakes does not make you weak. Makes you human. Learn, reflect, move on.
I started down that road after my first divorce. I wanted a reason to explain why my marriage had failed, and it was tempting to blame women, because that meant it wasn't my fault at all. I read a few books and made some cringe life changes...but luckily it felt forced to me, and I couldn't get past the undertones of hate toward women. My therapist (a woman) was also very helpful, hearing my complaints and frustrations, but gently guiding me away from hate and toward personal growth. I learned to accept my role in the divorce, and that it had nothing to do with me not being "manly" enough.
I think that's the key: finding responsibility, acceptance, and growth, rather than pursuing the easy fix of blaming everything on someone else. It's harder, but it's empowering as hell.
You don’t need outside validation to know who you truly are.
The more I spent time in that space (10+ years ago), the more it felt those guys were deeply insecure about their own masculinity. As I matured I started believing I don’t need to do all those superficial things to be a “man”. IMO, a real man works and takes care of his family. Spends time with them and teaches. Selfless. It means being a man that your children and grandchildren would be proud to say who you are to their peers. Real men don’t boast about going to the gym, or sleeping with tons of women, beating up nerds, being “alpha”, it’s all complete and total dross. That stuff doesn’t matter. Nobody is going to remember any of that. What will be remembered is how upstanding, selfless, and caring of a man you are to the people that actually matter to you.
Ironically, I grew more confident and snapped out of the self-hating spiral after I became LESS masculine. Accepting, embracing and connecting with my feminine side really made something in my life click. I'm still a man, but a man is not everything I am.
I got my brother out of it! He kept saying he was the alpha in his life and demanded respect and telling me how he runs his household and has the final say with his wife. I finally cold-called him one day and said “you know, everyone knows who the alpha is in a group. If you gotta tell people you’re the alpha… you’re not. Alpha males don’t lord over people, insecure men do.” That was his slap back into reality. He still has his moments but last I heard he is doing MUCH better.
I left the church.
Mormon? I love how they think of their specific brand of craziness as the one, true church.
Not a manosphere type but more just good old fashioned toxic masculinity.
I grew up a redneck trailer baby in Appalachian Georgia. Being in the military was the pinnacle of masculinity. Caring about what you look like, personal hygiene, diet, cleaning house were all considered feminine. I’ve even had more than one conversation with more than one person about how abs are gay. (I’m not kidding, and I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t think it was so ridiculous at the time). Then I joined the marine corps where you shave, iron your uniform, shower, get weekly haircuts, diet, exercise, clean EVERYTHING. If you’re not in the field you are expected to be straight up manicured most of the time. The military is all about appearances. Then people started considering me a pretty boy. I realized the people who taught me masculinity were oblivious. They either don’t know enough about the military, or they do know enough and they ignore the inconsistencies. Either way, they are basing their idea of masculinity on a standard they warped to fit their lives. Not the best source of advice imo.
The military wasn’t the only inconsistency I noticed, but it was the one that I thought no one could argue and they all did anyways.
This was back in 2010s but I was 18-24 and a jerk who thought he was a nice guy. I started getting into men's rights groups cause I wanted to know about problems that affect me. At first it was fine. Then the red pilling came and the group's I was in started getting angrier toward woman. When I was 25 I moved to a new town started working out made new friends and I guess that was enough to start getting attention from woman and I had an epiphany that it was always me and I gotta stop comparing myself to others. True nobility lies with comparing you to your former self. .
I wasnt that deep into it in the first place, but i think rejecting a woman really made me empathize with all the women who rejected me before and i understood where they were coming from. If i were in their place, i would mostly make the same choices.
And then i got to know a depressed woman and noticed that she was facing the exact struggles that all those incels talk about all the time, just from the female side.
We arent that different after all.
Marrying someone smarter than Me. I dated women who needed me for seemingly everything. Either money, emotional stability, entertainment, etc. But when I met my someday wife I felt so underwhelming. I couldn't believe someone so clever, beautiful, and smart would tackle this egotist and make him actually feel. Something the others could not do.
In all honesty - becoming gay. That makes you realise that a lot of patriarchal talk isn’t right.
"becoming" gay? Not to mock or something, but is that actually a choice people make? I guess your preferances may change over the course of your life, but I doubt that it's a deliberate, carefully considered decision.
Too old for manosphere but still former toxic male.
For me it was growing up, falling in love, getting far away from my broken home, and meeting different types of people. Oh and therapy.
But seriously, living internationally, talking to different types of people and watching different families interact made me realize how messed up my life was and changed the way I felt about being a man. I’m a much better person in my 30s than I was as a teenager or even a twenty something.
Never to old to be caught up in the manosphere. Donald Trump is a f**k a*s b***h, and is also living in the manosphere.
1. A massive scandal inside the church in 2014 that I was attending which was covered up by the men I most respected, I actually threw up, and continue to have nightmares about what they did.
2. The rise of trump, from 2015 I could see the writing on the wall, honest to god.
3. In 2016 The whole Dr. Peterson anti trans movement?? gross
4. The pandemic and the inability to show compassion to those suffering 2020
5. Everything else you could see and feel with dogwhistles from both sides, you could see the two movements colliding, and sitting on the side with the most empathy and compassion was the correct choice, although not easy as I live in extremely conservative land, with countless bigots, including my family.
That deplorable pseudo-intellectual hack doesn't deserve the honor of being called "Dr."
Unironically talking with other people. The manosphere is an echo chamber.
When I has about 13-14, I fell for this stuff for a few month. What helped me realize its all trash? The fact that some of the nicest or kindest people I have ever know are women. From random women on the train or street when I has a kid giving me things or being nice to me, to my girl best friend taking care of me when I hurt myself on 3rd grade, to the girls who became my friends in 1st grade when I has crying because I didn't want to be there, and even the girl who helped me integrate when I moved to a new country which I didn't even speak the language at 10.
Ah, blasted wishy washy soft skills, emotional intelligence, femmie caring BS. (/S!) I fully realise that there are a TON of abúsive women out there, and also many kind, caring, emotionally mature men. I'd prefer bad behaviour and characteristics not to be attributed to a clear cut 50% of the population on the other side of the genetics pool on general principles, but then this is a thread specifically collecting bad male examples turning good, so the premise is skewed in any case.
That its all about hiding being afraid. Not actually being brave.
You feel like you have to be seen as satisfying the role. At some level you know you aren't that thing, but you just keep wrapping that truth in performance, lies, anxiety and self loathing.
When you meet people who are actually confident, not just performing like you. Its unsettling and weird. Out of your comfort zone.
The realization is that men raised in this culture are terrified all the time. Everything else is projection.
That real strength is not hard, as in tough and belligerent.
The fortitude and strength it takes to be steady, principled, kind, loving and empathetic, to practice understanding and forgiveness, is far greater than any strength to destroy. As a matter of fact, it is the thing that *stops* destruction in its tracks.
Strength builds you, the people around you, and society in general. Anything that does the opposite is weakness.
I wouldn't say I ever bought into the alpha male ideology. But I definitely had to work through toxic masculinity. I think the biggest factor was owning that the biggest part of being a leader is knowing that you don't know everything. So in order to better myself as a man I had to make myself real comfortable on being teachable and vulnerable. You can't consider yourself an "alpha" and not be a good leader. But most "alpha" types think they know everything.
The next step was to stop comparing myself to others. Everyone is going through their own battles and we only see a small portion of it. The more you try to compare yourself, your journey, your victories and losses to others, the less you actually learn about that person.
Tldr : stopped worrying about how the world viewed me, focused more on how I view myself and the world.
About comparing, I still struggle with that. My pinnacle was being jealous of top ballerina who was growing up poor and got noticed by someone who trained her. I've never done ballet. I got jealous that someone saw her potential and helped her out. I was over 30. Took me a couple of days to realize how stupid it was.
Its not a single realization its just you outgrow their content and realize everything that they say is so stupid and all their logic is flawd.
I remember listening to Elon musk talk to Joe Rogan about doctors being paid to fake covid or something and I was so confused I had to call my mom who worked as a nurse and ask her about it. She was so disappointed in me I had to rethink all my life choices.
I realize that no matter how much I hustled, worked out, strived to be the man’s man, I was only harming myself. I felt so alone and disconnected from everyone. Even people that I was close to by proximity, I wasn’t able to be open and my full self. I started getting curious and read about human connection. And when I started reading about how to develop intimacy and connection in relationships, I realized that I had been denying a huge part of myself from not just myself but it was like a wall to the people around me. It’s been a long journey to unlearn the toxic masculinity and face the shame that has kept me trapped, but I now to look for opportunities daily to be vulnerable and open about my inner world. I’m so much more free and less judgmental.
When the "shapiro owns" videos started blowing up on YouTube I was on that early wave of alt right video pipeline. I remember one where this girl gets up to debate ben and she starts to stumble on her thoughts and words and he "owned" her. it stood out to me cuz she didn't know how to debate, she could barely manage to publicly speak but she was still brave enough to get on the mic and ask her question and defend her position the best she could. it dawned on me that he was a fraud, sure he's smart and knows "facts". but in reality he was a grown man going against people who were in the process of learning about the world around them and themselves. I saw that his debate bro persona was an act crafted to be misleading and it took a lot of self reflection to decode the "common sense" for the propaganda it was positioned to be.
Ben Shapiro is a fraud and an idiot easily flustered and and cant talk outside of his safe-space comfort-zone
This was a pre cursor to the current movement: The Pick Up Artists. These dudes that had all the right moves to get any girl. But then I noticed they never had stable relationships and these girls were just props to them “see I have a gf and she lets me sleep with other women”. It all was so dehumanizing. I do think they got somethings right about getting people to get outside of their comfort zone but that’s true of any movement/subculture. There are helpful bits but ultimately, it’s just about the ego of the people running things.
I discovered Stoicism. It showed me the value of leading quietly, being virtuous, and still maintaining the best standards for oneself without showing it off and barking like a hyena for attention.
Later, true love happened. It ended up failing. I drifted back to this trash, and I fell on my face for a few years. I re-directed. I put Stoicism back into practice and lived fearlessly, with care, and quiet, not expecting anything. I just wanted to be at peace.
As of now, I’m 43 and happily married. We are deeply in love and I consider her kids my own. I have discovered life’s greatest joy is having a family. They learn lessons from me. We laugh, bond, and support one another. I’m a cheer and high school football dad with whatever free time I can muster up. My legacy will never be being an “alpha” or “spinning plates” or “running game”.
It’s always going to be those kids. And that’s what really matters.
You're gonna realize that 99.9% of the people you interact with have the same insecurity and fear about their hopes & dreams as you do, they spend most of their day doing chores, keeping their homes clean, and scrolling on their phones. You're no better, but also no worse than the vast majority of people regardless of race, gender, or looks.
You're also gonna realize that literally every single one of those "Alpha Male" personalities are just scammers and salesmen selling you a product rather than giving you the essential advice you're gonna need to make it through life(and most of that advice is gonna be given by the people who genuinely care for you).
Humility, I went through that in my early twenties, I watched my father, he was a male archetype, but had decorum and respect. You can be all of the good traits, without the toxic ones, just be self aware and realise how you act can impact people a lot more than you think.
Hmm yup like calling people illiterate constantly online ! cos your a toxic person and it makes you feel so so good about yourself , !, it only shows you for exactly who you are !,
That stuff I thought was double standards is really because women bear an incredible amount of risk from love. Everything from crazy dudes to childbearing. I realized I had a lot of improvement to do and I wouldn’t date myself. I did the self improvement and an amazing woman found her way to me. Married 10 years with 4 kids and very happy! .
and both cheeks cleaned and ready to sit on the chair of b**t, happy for you
I had an angsty period, never got that far down to hate women, but yea, I used to be much harsher person, despite consistently having mostly progressive views in other areas of life.
I stopped looking for advice on women at internet, because I realised I had to get to know each woman individually, as there's no 'universal female collective' and universally applicable ways to deal with them. Especially if I wanted to date one of them.
I stopped thinking that all women hate me, and realised I didn't like myself as much as I deserved, and all my flukes were a result of bad match and poor communication skills on mostly my side.
When I was like 20 I thought I was conservative, then I came to understand how much North American conservatism is tied up in organized religion. it really put me off. I still hold some conservative beliefs but I am not going to let the church tell me what to think.
I wasn't in that space for long maybe few weeks, but what helped was occasionally seeing relatable content from female influencer and comments from women made me realise men and women aren't that different and most of the problem is societal roles and traditions that people are forced to follow.
I made a decision of customising my algorithm and that was the best decision I made coz I met different kinds of people with variety of interests that you normally wouldn't consider women would be into like women into cars, electronic, action games etc...
Im in my 30s now but in 20s I was the token nice guy who thought being nice to woman would get me what I wanted. I had struggled with dating so long I eventually fell head first into incel culture. What made me realize it was bunch of nonsense was maturity. The older I got the more I realized that doing what those red pill people suggested was causing more harm than good and it was making me feel bad about every thing. One day I woke up and was like im tired of thinking in a negative way about woman. After that I completely gave up the red pill stuff all together. Every time I see men young and old buy into it I try to warn them about the hole that it can leave you in and how trying to be this alpha dude bro is not worth it.
I can very much relate. I had a Nice Guy™ phase when I was a teen. I never started to hate women, TBH I highly doubt I'm even capable of that, but it was still a pretty cringe thing to be.
When I was around age 19/20 (late 2000s) I read a little bit of “the game” type dating advice. What got me out of it was realizing that I was missing the signs from the women who were actually interested in me. When you’re caught up in playing some kinda manipulation game you can really miss out on the world around you.
The less time I spent on 4chan, the better my life got. By the time I left it all behind I had a long, healthy relationship and grew closer and tighter with my friends.
I was on track to becoming an incel, but I was fortunate enough not to.
I went through such a phase in my 20’s, but it was before the “manosphere” was really a thing-for which I am grateful, I can’t imagine if I had fallen all the way down that rabbit hole.
A big part of it was getting out on my own at long last. I felt like a failure to still be living with my father in my late twenties, and he wasn’t a good influence, at that. Finally getting a place of my own and being self sufficient was a huge boost. Amazing how accomplished doing your own laundry and making your own meals can make you feel.
Another part was that I was into the cosplay/convention community at the time. Anyone who has been to such events can tell you, you will see some sights. I used to hate seeing attractive women in these eye catching costumes, feeling like they’d never talk to a loser like me. But I did build myself up to ask for pictures and, as it turned out, they were perfectly approachable. Half the time, they invited me to strike a pose with them.
And from there I started chitchatting with some of them and learned they weren’t there to get attention from good looking men-they were there to work. They were either full time cosplay models, and this was how they marketed themselves. Or they were vendors, and this was how they got people to check out their wares. Some of it was respect for the hustle, but I also got to see them as people. People with things like bills to pay, like anyone else. And, indeed, getting to appreciate what they also dealt with at such events; the leering, groping, remarks etc. just because they are pretty doesn’t mean they had it easy. .
Cosplayers are angels in disguise both figuratively and literally.
I had just discovered Jordan Peterson when I turned 20 and I believe i was in a pipeline. I was thinking about reading atlas shrugged at the time.
I can't remember exactly but I think YouTube recommended some anti JP content because i was watching JP content, which somehow snapped me out of it. It seems like at the time the YouTube algorithm would suggest content that was critical of the content that you watched. I don't know if it still does that.
That started a long slow slide to the left as I decided to orient my politics around empathy. Now I most align with Matt bruenig.
I lost a very good friend to this hateful hack. The catch? She was a girl.
I got a really nasty divorce at the end of 2010. My ex wife cheated on me multiple times. I was absolutely crushed by what happened. Then shortly after while being chronically online the anti sjw movement started to take off in 2011. For some stupid reason I think because I was so devastated by my divorce I started actually agreeing with these losers online who were talking about it on Reddit and YouTube.
Then gamergate happened and it opened my eyes to how much misogyny was behind the anti sjw movement. I took a step back in 2014 from the internet and really had some self reflection about what kind of dumb nonsense I was agreeing with.
I really fell deep into the anti sjw online movement to where going back through my Facebook posts from 2011-2014 it made me cringe to see how misogynistic I was getting. If it wasn’t for gamergate I probably would’ve ended up red pilled and a right wing loser today. I’m glad I snapped out of it cause I’ve always been an independent progressive so being a right wing piece of trash would suck so much.
My nephew is 19 years old and he’s going down that pipeline right now. Chronically online, watches Assmoldgold, XQC, and Andrew Tate. He’s always been a shy kid who didn’t have friends in real life. Now he’s an edgy online troll who listens to whatever Assmoldgold and Andrew Tate tell him. I’m currently trying to show him those are not people he should look up to or even listen to but he’s so far deep into them I just don’t see him changing anytime soon. .
I wasn’t really stuck in this world—happily for me, it emerged in its current form well after I’d figured some stuff out—but I’d say it comes down to this: The ego will make a fool of you. Effortfully trying to assert any image, especially one that requires you are constantly measuring up to others, will ultimately backfire on your relationships and make you feel weak rather than strong. Total self-acceptance for what you are, rather than what you think others think you should be, is the ultimate freedom.
Never really dipped more than a toe into it out of curiosity but it's one of those things that draws you in by presenting SOME truths and then layering on a thousand assumptions after that (which is what causes the isolation afterwards).
You quickly come to realize that "a real man" sorta just goes out into the world and decides what reality is for himself, rather than waiting for your typical bald, overweight (even though many of them are on "TRT") manosphere "jock" to tell you.
Recognizing its a business model and they want me to pay for their stupid lessons on how to be a Real man™
Its hard though because they are still the only ones with a voice that enshrines *some* part of hyperagency - the rest of the world does not do that for men.
I wasnt really deep into it, but the thing that had the biggest impact was a simple comparison. I frequently watched thequartering and kinda believed what he said (this was years ago, he wasnt as extreme). Got ragebaited and thought games were bad nowadays because of pushed diversity. Thankfully I also watched Yongyea for gaming news and he was so much more neutral, less aggressive and not everything was womens fault. Made me reflect that thequartering and associates are just wrong. In one video thequartering was talking about some issues he has with a game and the climax of his rhetoric, the big bad evil guy was... again women. He pronounced women so weird and disrespectful that I saw him for what he truly is. A little mysoginistic manchild.
Thanks yongyea
Hope and personal conviction, I had a phase for quite a while where I was very much invested in that kind of stuff. Some of it because of the pure entertainment and some of it because of the honesty that men around me were afraid to say.
I had seen in my own personal life the horror stories of women that destroyed the men in their lives way too much. I had also seen cases where the traditional masculine men were the most successful in relationships. To this day, the healthiest relationship I know is what on paper the manosphere would continue successful.
But my biggest issue with the manosphere was twofold, the first was empathy, I'm naturally quite an empathetic person so when I gradually realise how much these men lacked empathy for women, men and life in general. It threw me off and made me slowly realise how toxic they were.
And two, the fakeness, so many of these guys fake there personality and perform for others. And the more personal self-esteem I built up, the less interest I had in trying to perform for others and be the super masculine guy. And seeing how volatile, emotional and insecure these men were turned me even more off.
Honestly I think the manosphere (which is a very broad term with positive influences such as Chris Williamson, Andrew Huberman, Alpha M etc and more negative influences such as Andrew Tate, Fresh&Fit, etc) is a natural byproduct of society becoming more based on individualism than building communities. When young men are lost in society they naturally gravitate to perceived strength and success.
I unfortunately found even a lot of the toxic advice brought me success irl but on the inside only brought me low self-esteem, a sense of nihilism, and became a place where my insecurities bubbled up.
So when I got into therapy, expanded my worldview and started dealing with those insecurities, it didn't deal with the mentality I had learned but naturally made me secure in who I really am instead of the performance and inspired me to want to create my own metrics of success not pushed onto me by society.
And then I gradually noticed the stuff above about most of the manosphere influencers and changed my mentality. Which created hope and positive thought processes around how I saw women, which gradually manifested in the world in front of me i.e. seeing more positivity in both men and women and gaining more hope in the possibility of personal non-performative happiness.
Tldr:
The manosphere (as well as some female centric communities on the other side) for the majority of people becomes an escape for insecurities and people who make money off of it, which is why it got so toxic. When a man or women builds up their own self-esteem, self-worth and gains their own sense of direction, they gradually lose interest as they see how toxic it really is. But someone whose insecure first needs hope that they can change their own circumstances first, otherwise they will always be lost in the bubble.
Love this list. It's eye-opening to see the various ways that men can come into themselves, really inhabit their best masculine selves. As a kid, I was made aware that my brother was bullied pretty hard for being smaller than others in his age group. I watched him get physically attacked by other boys at recess and would ask him later if he was ok. He generally responded quite stoically, as boys did in that generation. It's such an unhealthy emotional lifestyle to have to carry the burden of being tough while others harass you, punch you. And our family had the opinion that counseling was a sign of weakness. I'm certainly glad that is changing to empathy for the boys, and for the men.
Love this list. It's eye-opening to see the various ways that men can come into themselves, really inhabit their best masculine selves. As a kid, I was made aware that my brother was bullied pretty hard for being smaller than others in his age group. I watched him get physically attacked by other boys at recess and would ask him later if he was ok. He generally responded quite stoically, as boys did in that generation. It's such an unhealthy emotional lifestyle to have to carry the burden of being tough while others harass you, punch you. And our family had the opinion that counseling was a sign of weakness. I'm certainly glad that is changing to empathy for the boys, and for the men.
