When it comes to insults without swearing, they are as rare as gems in the ground. Since they don't use curse words, they can hit quite hard. When it comes to these kinds of funny insults, you have to be funny and somewhat smart to create them. However, not everyone would understand them right away. So if you are one to shoot out creative insults without swearing, you should understand their impact.
Insults are made to attack a person verbally instead of using punches or kicks. The more complex they are, the harder these rare insults hit. The punchline is hidden behind words that take some time to figure out. For this reason, the funny part of these insults is the period till the person figures it out and laughs or gets angry. However, some creative insults replace the profanity with more family-friendly words. They are easy to understand, so the period of waiting is removed. But if you want to insult someone with or without swearing, be prepared to receive some hate in return.
If you want to insult your friends or enemies without using profanity, the internet is here to help. User Beadiest_Cape had an interesting question in the popular group of AskReddit — “What’s the best insult you’ve heard without swearing?” We compiled the best ones in the list below. Be sure to upvote the funniest insults and share your own in the comments below.
This post may include affiliate links.
"I hope your sleeves slide sown while washing your hands."
"Somewhere, a tree is crying because it worked so hard to make that oxygen you're wasting."
“I don’t have the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.”
"I refuse to fight a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent."
This reminds me of my daughter and her father. They were having an argument, I was listening from the other room, Told him that he was in a battle of wits with a 5 year old and she was winning.
"Someone once called me "weapons grade stupid". That made laugh pretty good."
"So a thought crossed your mind? It must have a long and lonely journey."
Commenter said: "You've got a great face for radio."
LawlessNeutral replied: "And a voice for silent film."
"I hope your pillow is warm on both sides tonight!"
"He couldn't empty the water from a boot if the instructions were printed on its sole."
“If you were the light at the end of the tunnel, I’d turn back around.”
And run from the train? I didn't expect such wise decision from you.
"I'd call you dumb as a rock, but at least a rock can hold a door open..."
"You have the personality of a slightly tilted picture frame."
"Wisdom has been chasing you. Unfortunately, you have always been faster."
bigglassjar said: “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
CAPreacher replied: "Lol I have this on a shirt! Always get a comment on it when I wear it out and about."
shisoumofo answered:"I wanted to get one at my old job, but the faculty might take offense. Especially since I had to explain things to them all the time."
"If I throw a stick, will you leave?”
Hold on hold on...if it's a twig, you're gonna have to do better than that. And I want a good heave, not just a toss. Make me work for it!
“I appreciate your absence.”
"As an outsider, what is your perspective on intelligence?"
"If I offered a penny for your thoughts, you'd owe me change."
"I find the fact that you lived this long both surprising and disappointing."
""He was the sort of person who viewed hygiene as something that only happened to other people." Great line from the second Caiphus Cain novel, and a great insult I use to describe our customers."
"I stole this from Triumph but I love this one:
"If you're here, who's home disappointing your parents?""
"You play the victim so much I’m surprised you don’t carry around your own body chalk."
BlckAlchmst said: "The bar was on the ground and you grabbed a shovel."
give_it_a_vodkashot replied: "That reminds me of one comment i read saying: "the bar was so low it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil.""
6bytesunder said: "I'd insult you, but I'm afraid you won't notice it."
obscureferences replied: "I can see how you'd confuse feedback for insults."
"Yer lad has only two brain cells left fighting over third place."
"You remind me of someone I would like to forget."
"I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you."
Wasn't that a bunch of pandas are an embarrassment? 🙃 I read it on another article recently.
"Bless your heart."
“You dense cabbage.”
"She'd catch the bouquet at a funeral.
He keeps a fork in the sugar jar.
Hasn't had a wash since he was baptized.
Still has his communion money in credit union.
Brings a ruler to bed to measure how long he's slept."
xkulp8 said: "You are so mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence - Time Bandits."
my_best_space_helmet replied: "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling - Firefly."
hesmistersun replied: "My days of not taking you seriously have certainly come to a middle."
Commenter said: "Stop playing hard to get when you're hard to want."
WatchingInSilence replied: "A universally applicable version of Tom Tucker's best insult against Meg: "Thank you, Meg. I guess beggars can be choosers.""
"Your eyes, they remind me of stars... Not because they're beautiful, no... but because they're so far apart."
It's similar to "You have teeth like the stars. So yellow and far apart." 😅
""Your face makes blind kids cry" idk where I heard it but its gold."
"May your marinara sauce never cling to your pasta."
"Someone told me I was shorter than the sleeves on a bikini."
BlueAndMoreBlue said: "You sound like a pizza cutter — all edge and no point."
The_Presitator replied: "Oooo! This is good! I'm a teacher so there are a lot of teenagers I could apply to."
"Boys as sharp as a bowling ball."
"In response to telling a story where the person did something dumb his friend says "I bet you ran through the house with scissors growing up didn't you" and not gonna lie it made my day."
"I believe I read this one in a Conan the Barbarian book many years ago."You illegitimate offspring of questionable parentage!""
"You first slice of bread."
macho_estimation said: ""I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that" - Groucho Marx."
zerbey replied: "He had a few savage insults, another one is "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it"."
Your name is Gertrude? I'll call you Gert, and leave out the rude part.
“It’s so nice that they let people like you work here.”
Milinka1793 said: "A favorite I read somewhere, "I envy those who have yet to meet you.""
WhatDaufuskie replied: "Bob Dylan: "One day, I wish you'd be in my shoes, so you could know... what a drag it is to see you.""
obert-wan-kenobert said: “Having been born an infant, realizing he quite liked it, he decided to stay one forever.”
bartleby_bartender replied: "This is so perfect. Who're you quoting?"
obert-wan-kenobert replied: "Pretty sure I read it in a Michael Chabon book! Paraphrasing though."
"When I was younger I used to watch this movie “the great race” with my family. There was this insult that one of the antagonists used towards his counterpart by calling him a “thimble headed gherkin.” Which was essentially and indirectly calling him a d*ck-head. It took me YEARS to make that connection."
""You would somehow lock yourself in a motorcycle." It was one of mine I think. I think I heard it from somewhere and in a great moment, I just blurted that out. I was arguing with a child."
"I don't believe in God, but if there's a Hell down there, it's full with people like you."
"Pretty sure it was in a movie that was a book series - can’t remember the name of the series or the EXACT quote but it was something like:
“If you were half as funny as you think you are, you’d be twice as funny as you are now.”"
"“You would have been better as a stain between the bedsheets” or any variation of it."
"My mother allways told me to be nice or be quiet. I presume you've not heard from yours in years?"
"You're about as useful as the 9 on a microwave."
lexmattness said: "Sharp as a marble, that one..."
TheRiverOtter replied: "So, just needs to be broken first?"
DinoHunter64 answered: "Sharp as mashed potatoes was a good one I heard."
Commenter said: "You are not a mistake, you're a regret."
Mrjohnjohn12 replied: "You've lost toilet paper privileges. Have fun getting creative!"
“I bet when a family friend brings you up to your parents your parents change the subject.”
"Adapted from Bob Dylan's "Positively 4th Street",
I wish that for a moment you could stand in my shoes, then you'd know what a drag it is to see you."
"You insolent lump of butter!"
"I had a teacher tell some kid "Nothing you have to say is of any consequence... to anyone." He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its sh*t in unison."
FlashforGordan said: ""If you were the prize at the end of my race, I would walk backwards" - Judge Judy."
TBroomey replied: ""Beauty fades, dumb is forever." Another good one from Judge Judith Sheindlin."
Puzzleheaded_Rate_73 answered: ""Listen to me. I'm older, smarter. If you live to be a hundred and fifty, you're not going to be as smart as I am in one finger!" From the infamous Ebay Cellphone Scammer episode."
"You are so blessedly free of the ravages of intelligence."
Barl0we said: "Anyone who ever loved you was wrong."
IAmBard76 replied: "I say this to myself."
Taiganattsu said: "You're impossible to underestimate."
DeltaHuluBWK replied: "Made me think of "my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
"From The Women, “There's a name for you ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel.” Gotta love Joan Crawford’s delivery of that line."
"My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
My favourites: You look like the sort of person who knows exactly how much Sudafed you can buy at a pharmacy. Also- You look like the kind of guy who lights candles when you masturbate.
My favourites: You look like the sort of person who knows exactly how much Sudafed you can buy at a pharmacy. Also- You look like the kind of guy who lights candles when you masturbate.
