Women Are Sharing Their Exes’ Seemingly Harmless Personality Traits That Ended Up Being The Reddest Flags Of Them All (30 Posts)
You think you know a person. Especially your partner. But one day they tell you that their pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with them and suddenly you feel like you're standing in front of a stranger. (Yes, Ross Geller, I'm talking about you. Shame.)
A few weeks ago, Redditor NTSTwitch made a post on the subreddit 'Ask Women' that read "What seemingly harmless personality traits ended up turning out to be a dealbreaker in your relationships?" and its members immediately started sharing their experiences.
We thought the answers provide some interesting insights into not only dating but socializing in general, so we rounded up the most-upvoted ones, and invite you to check them out as well.
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I can't date an extrovert. They can be really lovely people so I've tried but I was always just so tired. My husband likes to hang out at home and do nothing as much as I do, other people probably think we're boring af but I'm happy.
We managed to contact NTSTwitch and she agreed to tell us about what inspired her to make the post. "I formulated the question a few days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 4 years," the Redditor told Bored Panda. "We loved each other so much, but we just no longer have the same goals for our future or our lifestyle. So, I decided to gather my thoughts and figure out what I'm going to look for if I ever decide to find another life partner. In addition to all of the red flags I am already mindful of, I wanted to gather a list of not only other people's red flags but also their green flags that turned out to be red flags."
NTSTwitch continued by providing an example from her previous relationship. "I thought it was great that he was always available for me when I called and answered all of my texts on time. It made me feel important and special to him," she said, adding that, "Over the last few years, I began to realize that the reason he was always available was because he had no hobbies or interests, no real friends, no relationship with his family, and didn't like to go out. All of those things are now dealbreakers for me."
Agreeability. After a while you realise they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It's exhausting.
broke off a wonderful relationship many years ago. i made every decision except for when she had to pee. i couldn't take it. lasted 8 months.
Only took me two dates. I was new to the area and he wanted me to pick the activity. Okay, dinner and a movie. He wanted me to pick the resteraunt ( before google and yelp). I dont even know where any are, much less of they are good. Picked Indian, it was okay ( not great ). Found out later he doesnt really like Indian. Him: what movie ? Me: sigh.
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What do you want for dinner? Oh, whatever you want. Bi+(, I don’t want to be responsible for every situation
Been there and done that. In my case he was such a huge people pleaser in general so he wouldn’t say no to anyone. So he ended up blaming me for making a lot of the decisions as if I wanted control in the relationship which is not at all what I wanted. I’m glad it’s over.
Probably because when they do make their own decision it is criticized, negated, and effectively rendered of no value by the other partner.
You got it backwards. It’s a passive-aggressive way to not take responsibility for poor or unfulfilling choices which they can then blame and resent their partner for. What you speak of is what happens when you default to a narcissist. What this conversation is about is someone who isn’t a control freak having to make the choices for someone who isn’t grown enough to shoulder the responsibility
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I was with someone that accused me of this, and he was right...I did go along with whatever he wanted. The problem was that there would be hell to pay if I didn't just agree all the time. When I tried to point this out, he told me I was making it up.
And sometimes it's because you insist on always having your way and it's not worth the fight. Still a red flag.
Ive realized the same thing. I absolutely dont tolerate people without hobbies or interests. Definetly not in my mate.
I’m very decisive but I’m also dating a lot. I’m tired of being the entertainment director. Dude, you ask ME out. Pick something halfway. I like almost all foods, I’ll give any comedy or band a shot. I like lots of fun silly cheap or super fancy bougie things. I’m up front about all of this. I don’t make people guess.
Constantly asking someone else to make the decisions all the time, it drives me mad
This! It was the reason for my divorce. Men like to say "Girls don't want a nice guy". There's nice, and there's nice.
This is a big part of why I got divorced. Everything was my decision, and everything was my responsibility. No thank you.
Yeah I was married to that for 30 years. The agreeability translates into never arguing or expressing their opinion (or negative feelings) and you end up living in a vacuum of space. The unexpressed emotions turn into resentment that never gets honestly directed. Turns into gaslighting and lying.
Consistently making demeaning “jokes” about you or your abilities. Death by a thousand cuts. It’s passive aggressive and completely repulsive.
Dr. Stephanie Freitag, who is a licensed clinical psychologist, highlighted that relationships are supposed to add to our lives. So if there's a red flag that you think calls for a breakup, you have all the rights to terminate it.
However, somewhat counterintuitively, you should think about these things not after another fight you just had but during one of the highs. "How are you feeling in your relationship? Of course, you're going to have down moments and days, but in your best moment in the relationship, when things are going smooth and well, how are you feeling?" Dr. Freitag said.
Relationships should make you feel happy, content, and joyful. "If you don't have as much of a positive association with the relationship, it probably should end," she added.
Conflict avoidance.
Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment.
There was a good passage about this in "Galilee" by Clive Barker. "He liked to be liked, even if that meant avoiding a confrontation that would be to everybody's benefit. And so, faced with [his wife's] growing unhappiness, he simply averted his eyes."
Mama's boys. In a sense they’re great because they tend to have more respect for women, however, sometimes it’s more then that. If they never disagree with their mom and always go with mommy’s suggestions or advice over yours then that’s a red flag. My husband won’t stick up for me to his mom and I’m feeling resentful for it.
"If you're concerned enough to be noticing a lot of red flags, that is information that might require you to take a really hard look at what you're getting from the relationship," Dr. Freitag explained. "If you're at the point where you're more focused on the red flags than doing fun things together, then it might be time to consider why you're in the relationship in the first place."
Interestingly, among the 15% of American adults who are single and looking for a committed relationship or casual dates, men and women report equal levels of dissatisfaction with their dating lives and the ease of finding people to date, with roughly three-quarters experiencing these issues.
Among the top reasons cited are finding someone looking for the same type of relationship (53%), finding it hard to approach people (46%), and finding someone who meets their expectations (43%).
We had so much in common. I thought it was serendipitous. Turns out he just changes his personality to mirror who ever he’s around 100% of the time.
He was always sweet and adoring towards me while a complete monster to anyone/everyone on the outside… lol it’s not that he has a soft spot for you!! It only lasts so long before they switch up on you too.
Yes! and abusers and narcissists use 'love bombing' with their intended victim so they are so wrapped up in the good. Its really really important to pay close attention to how they treat other people, especially service providers. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat waiters for eg. Pay attention, because that's who they truly are.
"What I learned from the post was how several traits (within reason) can be a green flag or a red flag!" NTSTwitch, the author of the post, said. "I am looking for someone more social for my next relationship, but several people answered that being social was one of the traits that turned out to be a dealbreaker for them. It was unsurprising that I would see so many of what I perceived to be positive traits on the list, but it was really nice to gain some perspective on the subject anyway."
The Redditor thinks that people misjudge others' personality traits for several reasons. "One reason [I personally do it] is because I don't know myself well enough to know how I'd handle particular situations. For example, I think I'd want a man with his own life so I can have my own life. However, I haven’t been in that situation in a long time. Maybe the lack of attention would cause issues for me. The second reason for me is that I tend to settle when I get attached. If a man checks off a certain amount of boxes for me, it gets easier to ignore things that I know are dealbreakers. I also think it’s important to note that we aren’t psychics. We are making the best judgment we can with the information available to us at the time."
"It's easy to criticize our choices in hindsight, but I think a lot of us are just doing our best and life doesn't always turn out the way we thought!" she noted.
Any self proclaimed 'empath'. It turns into 'look how much I'm hurting because of your pain'
Edit: The point I'm making is that people who claim to be empaths often make other people's emotions about them. Rather than letting a person grieve, it becomes about how much the other person's grief effects them.
For me it was messiness, it translated to me being responsible for all the house work & cleaning up after his mess. I became a caregiver not a partner.
Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California, and in her four decades of working with singles and couples, she has developed the following questions that should, in theory, help you decide if the person you're considering to involve yourself with is the right fit:
- Have your past partners turned out to be who you thought they would?
- Are you most often attracted to partners who are “out of reach"?
- Are the qualities you look initially for in a partner those you need for the long haul?
- Is it important to you that your partners impress others?
- Is the partner you want available within your current dating options?
- Are you being realistic in getting what you want based upon what you have to offer?
- Are your choices more often based on romantic myths rather than pragmatic possibilities?
If your answers to questions 1, 3, 5, and 6 are “no” and those to 2, 4, and 7, are “yes”, you are much less likely to find success in the dating market if you continue searching the way you have in the past.
Always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes being funny over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind “humor.” Or, “being funny” is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else.
I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.
I wonder if that constant humor is hiding depression? Miss you, Robin Williams!! RIP TWITCH!!
“Telling it like it is” — at first it seemed like an admirable trait, to be with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things.
I hate how some people use phrases like "telling it like it is" and "being blunt" and "playing Devil's Advocate" in order to make their rudeness and bullying sound like some sort of virtue.
One I haven't seen mentioned yet is the inability to take criticism. The last guy I was with had no problem critiquing my interests, jokes, or behaviors, but he'd always get so defensive if you ever tried to give him any constructive criticism about anything.
People pleasers.
I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to “get” you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that.
Consider that it sometimes comes from people that were bullied as kids. We try to please people, especially those that are like bosses or mentors, because we have this avid fear of rejection and having the whole bullying thing happen again. It is an unreasonable behavior...but we just don't want to relive those days when we were nauseated at the thought of going to school and facing it all over again.
Liking to “get a little buzzed”. What I thought was just a few drinks on Fridays and Saturdays turned out to be actually drinking through 2 liters of tequila in 24 hours. Wouldn’t have ever noticed the extent of the problem if I hadn’t moved in.
Him being a social butterfly. Turns out he was always seeing who he could reel in for later and had more back burners than a restaurant.
I have quite a few female friends & we are very social. How is that a red flag? I also have a bunch of male friends I’m very social with. Even quite a few gender-queer, non binary and trans friends. Social butterfly with all of them. How is any of this a red flag? It certainly isn’t a concern for my husband. Seems OP has misplaced the meaning of the flags. It’s ain’t his social nature that’s the problem. It’s the impulse control and need for validation. Ir he just can’t keep it in his pants.
Being a workaholic. I grew up in an immigrant home in the US, my parents had very little education from their country, so they worked very hard. I thought it was normal to work as much as they did. My ex was a workaholic with school, work, friendships, and family relationships. I even admired his work ethic. But the stress that culminated and little to no time for our relationship caused a lot of tension in our relationship.
wanting to see you all the time. I felt guilty if i didn't want to go to his place for a fourth time that week. towards the end, one of the last straws, was his s**t talking my mom because I had to help her with something around the house and therefore couldn't go to his place.
this wasn't why I ended this abusive relationship, but in hindsight I realize it's a red flag I never noticed. Something I thought was flattering in the beginning turned into 2 years of being unable to enjoy my own company without feeling anxious and guilty.
Folks, this should be a HUGE red flag. When I met my ex I was 25 and hadn't been in many actual relationships. I mistook his possessiveness and love bombing for devotion and thought I was so lucky to be adored that way. Early on in our dating days, I went out for a girls' night with two friends and failed to see that his reaction was toxic. I could have saved myself so much heartache, pain, and lost friendships.
Spontaneous. Turned into just him being impulsive and never being able to self discipline. It eventually led to cheating, drinking excessively, etc. I felt like I had to moderate him. As soon as I broke up, he went off the deep end and said it was because I was his "motivation" to be better previously 🥴
Decisiveness. Started off great bc he made his mind up and was determined to follow through. Wasn't so great when he made life altering decisions without informing or including me in those decisions even though it would effect me and our relationship.
Wrong enemy here. It isn’t his decisiveness. It’s his selfishness. Making decisions without including relevant parties is an issue of being inconsiderate and selfish.
Not having male friends.
Learned by the end of it that they could see through his bs/ the “i just get along well with girls” was because he flirted his way into “friendships”.
Not sure I agree with this one. This is a time of shifting views on gender and if you don't match the stereotypes of your generation as a man, getting along better with women rather than men can't be exclusively attributed to being a player. And it could also be due to your line of work. Or the psychological challenges of your biography. I'd be careful to prematurely judge a man merely based on the fact of the majority gender among his friends, even if he's very successful at dating. Also, even if he flirted his way into friendships, if he's capable of maintaining them, that means you can read at least some platonic depth into them.
Talking down about his exes, he thought he was making me feel better by saying they weren’t as good as me, flawed, etc. eventually it just felt like woman hate. Not flattering and not fun to listen to!
Being concientious with money. When every gift turns into a debate about how much it costs...
I spent too many years being told I wasted too much money on food.
Guys who make their whole personality revolve around their hobbies like anime, gaming, and science stuff. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies like that, but at the same time be more open-minded to learn new things and other experiences. I dated one and it didn’t get so far, couldn’t hold a conversation well if it wasn’t about his hobbies and interests. He also was a people pleaser which annoyed me very much.
poor education.
seemed like no big deal, he was able to provide, he did well in life. But that lack of quality conversation was just so boring
Name calling others within earshot. Then turned into name calling straight to my face and in front of other.
Started out as just a frustration thing. Became abusive language once they got too comfortable.
HAD to cut the string loose. Unfortunately ended in me being battered and bruised.
Sorry for what happened to you and I hope everything goes well after you got out of a toxic relationship.
Disputatiousness. At first it felt like fun banter, but after a few years it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. Couldn’t even have minor disagreements like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing, never mind if I we actually needed to discuss something serious.
thinks the fact that he’s been to therapy gives him the corner market on every emotional issue. i guess the personality trait would be “self awareness”, and i say it in quotes because there were still glaring emotional issues he had but since he’d been to ✨therapy✨ he thought he could do no wrong. he would yell and jump to conclusions and make ad hominem attacks and then immediately back track and think that was the pinnacle of self awareness. like back tracking on your abuse immediately is something that is impressive or should be revered. i wanted to be like “bro, you know there’s an option where you just act like an adult instead of blowing up and then apologizing immediately right??”
Where do these fu*kers come from? They have nest under the city or what?
Their relationship with their mother (not exactly a personality trait but kind of). My mom always told me, "How he treats his mom is how he'll treat you" and while I definitely want a guy who respects his mother, I think her perspective is an outdated, traditionalist way of looking at things. I have known plenty of guys who seemed to just really love and appreciate and be close with their moms at first and I thought, "Aw so sweet, he must be a good guy," and then I find out they don't know how to cook/clean/do laundry/take care of themselves as adults and not only that, but don't plan on ever learning and instead expect the women they're in a relationship with to do all that stuff and basically be their mothers so they never have to grow up. These people also can be bad at talking about serious stuff, or refuse to take accountability for their actions because their mothers to this day tell them nothing is their fault. The worst one fit that description but on top of alllll that, still cuddled/spooned with his mom in bed at age 22 (while facetiming me and letting his mom read a private letter from me over his shoulder as I sat there in awkward silence) and had sex dreams about her but didn't find it weird. I still love guys who love their moms, but I am also very wary now because sometimes when they love them a *certain* way it comes along with some devastating emotional immaturity.
I had a friend that was very invested/dedicated. At first, I thought this was a good personality trait, but it ended up being suffocating. She would constantly refer to me as her “best friend” even though she wasn’t mine. She made very territorial social media posts about how I was her “best friend in the entire world.” If I hung out with other friends, that she didn’t even know, she would get annoyed that she wasn’t invited. If I wanted to spend my free time alone, with my husband, with other people, etc. she would take it personally and make comments about it. She was jealous with the amount of time I hung out with my husband and said it “wasn’t fair” and that I “treated her differently” than I treat him (obviously).
Frugality. It seemed awesome because he was super careful with money. But in the end he never likes to spend money on ANYTHING. Even things that mattered to me (e.g bday dinner).
Control. Needing to control certain things or their anxiety goes wild. I have anxiety and understand the why but at the end of the day the why is never acceptable. You cannot control most things in life and the overwhelming need to do so always leads to worse things.
Often a "need for control" comes from experiences of being bullied and/or high anxiety or fear. Getting professional help to process these experiences and to become more grounded and secure is very important.
His quiet and unassuming personality, which I found endearing at first, ended up being what drove me away. The man rarely had an opinion or a comment on anything, then if he did? It was always negative.
My ex was like this, never had an opinion and it was so annoying. When I wanted to discuss something that went wrong, it mostly turned into me adressing it and him just sitting there quietly, not answering at all. In the end, I decided I wanted a partner and not a dog who just follows me around (well I want both actually, but not in the same person) so I broke it off.
Being religious.
CrisisDancing added:
I agree. You may think it is ok to have different religious views however…wait until kids come into the picture…then it is game on.
Have those conversations first.
I noticed my ex would have extremely severe reactions when he’d be watching sports, and his teams that he rooted for lost.
Didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first, but he easily became unhinged over the littlest things. Later his outbursts became harder to hide, and I found myself walking on eggshells a lot around him. The abuse was more noticeable then.
I once worked with a woman who volunteered at a domestic violence hotline in Green Bay. She told me that all of the volunteers dreaded the days that the Packers had a game, because they knew that if the Packers lost the number of calls would skyrocket.
Saying things like "If you really love me you would..."
Teasing. it seems so funny and cute and, “oh wow we have banter” but it can be a pre cursor to something worse.
Being goal oriented. My ex had a lot of goals and seems to want to be in a long-term relationship with someone. One of the problems I’ve found is that he hasn’t thought about how having a partner may affect those plans. It was his way or the highway and if you talked about a future that didn’t align with what he wanted/imagined, you were the enemy. Lots of men seem to think they need to accomplish X, Y, Z, before they settle down. Which is fine, per se, but in the meantime they need to recognize they probably don’t want something serious. They want a partner that lines up with the future they envision, but they’re not ready for her. Granted I’ve come to the conclusion that he just didn’t want *me*, but it’s all the same. I believe in building a future together so there’s balance. No one should have to fit into their partner’s plan, they should *be* a part of it.
Telling me all of his ex’s businesses. I was young and thought I was special. Now he’s telling every female he messes with, my business.
I have the opposite problem. Mine wants to hear alllllll about my past loves. Look. They were nice; I wasn't abused: it just didn't work out. The rest is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Having a "laid back look on life. After a while, it becomes clear this person don't have any goals or desires in life. It gets boring and i start losing my respect for our relationship.
Looking back, I realise I never had any goals other than having me and the people around me being happy and healthy. I looked at most of the goals other people had and so many were career orientated or unrealistic personal ( married by 25 kid by 30) goals. It always seemed so " hamster wheelish".
Poor money management. Not everything is about money, but if you can't afford to support yourself while also somehow being able to afford frivolous "wants", then that's a no-go. I will not be your stand-in mom and take care of you if you're capable of doing so yourself, just because you can't prioritize where your money goes.
Yes. Everyone makes mistakes. But hopefully you learn from them. You're not only doing yourself a disservice but you're doing your future and anyone you invite into it a disservice by unloading a huge amount of debt onto their lives, too. But I understand how hard it can be. Especially when your mindset is that you can't get out of it or that you 'might as well have fun' since you feel like you don't make enough to save.
Knowledgeable. I loved it at first but he grew to be condescending. My friends hated him for it cuz he'd always initiate arguments. "Never let the truth get in the way of a good story" is something I learned. He ended up being a huge liar.
Having an underlying victim mindset. At first you empathize with them for their struggles and misfortune, but soon realize that people truly believe the world is out to get them regardless of the actual situation. It turns your relationship into a constant source of negative energy and breeds codependency.
I agree and for a long time I thought that way. A few years back something finally clicked in my brain that even if something horrible happened, even if things aren't great, no matter what it is, you can't expect that your *feeling* about your situation is going to do anything to control or *change* it. You feelings also don't change what's happening externally. So if the situation isn't changing and something feels unfair, you have to change yourself to adapt because there's no amount of waiting around for it to be different that will make it so. So I could complain and maybe be right in some ways, or I could let go of that and make my life better. You might be absolutely right about the situation itself, but sitting in that bucket where you just talk about it and never make any efforts to change it eventually is partly your fault. I understand some people deal with very serious emotional issues but if you have enough sense to talk about them on social media, then you have enough sense to ask for help or to try and get advice on how to move forward or change it. If you choose not to, there's a point where you have to admit to yourself that it's simply easier to complain about it than to do the work it will take to change it. It doesn't necessarily apply to all situations of course, but a lot of times it is.
Care and concern — I shared private past traumas with him, and that turned out to be the information he used against me to try and break me down and make me feel incompetent when I called him out on blatantly questionable behaviors of his later on.
There's a limit to kindness I can take. I have been learning not to people please but my husband still does because he wants to be kind. I love how kind he is (one of the reasons I married him) but he picks the worst people to be kind too and even when I tell him it's a bad idea he feels he has to do it anyways. Which has left us short on money and time a few times. Today it lead to us being short a microwave.
I hear you loud and clear. Kindness is a wonderful and much valued trait, but there have to be limits. (Am I my brother's keeper? Yes, within limits)
The always trying to make someone laugh trait. It’s like okay … everything doesn’t have to be humorous 24/7. It becomes annoying after a certain point.
This is usually a sign of something much deeper. Extreme insecurity as a result of being raised in an abusive/neglectful environment and just wanting to both feel and be liked. Either way, they should probably try to work on themselves first, before getting into a relationship.
Debbie downers. Look I haven't had the greatest life ever but f**k man at least I'm *trying* to make it better instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. Especially when you have people trying to help you too. At some point you're gonna have to want to do better for yourself too
Not being able to make decisions. It always kinda annoyed me that he had no opinion on what he wanted to eat or watch. But someday when he met someone he was interested in and the time came to choose between me and her, he had no idea how to choose. That’s when I realised I had to make all the decisions, all the time. I even had to make the decision to end our relationship because he wasn’t able to choose.
Indecision can be a sign of abuse as a child. Every choice I made when I was younger was a reason for my mother to lash out at me later so I became afraid of making a decision. I've spent most of my adult life working on getting better but it can be a difficult trait to break.
No follow through on anything. It doesn’t even have to be with big things like career etc. I had an ex that would constantly spend money on a new hobby and I would be very supportive of him getting into it because I wanted him to have things outside of me. But after the initial interest he never stuck with it and it was frustrating to watch. I feel like he used me as an excuse for it because I’m disabled and at that time was especially ill and needed a lot of help from him, but the reality was I wanted him to go out and do things without me sometimes. I ended up feeling like I had to be constantly encouraging him to continue things he actually enjoyed when he got into them, and that was exhausting. He was a lovely guy, but I could never do that again. I’m very driven and it’s too exasperating to be around someone who is the opposite.
This sounds like a red flag to me, tbh. Reading between the lines a bit here, but basically this guy was being a caretaker, and she either wanted space or wanted to feel less guilty about it so pushed him to do other things with his time. So now she's asking him to do two things to keep her happy. If he was fine focusing his energy on giving care when it was needed, let the guy do that. It's a hard thing to do and people direct their energy how they need to. It takes a lot of drive to care for someone - just because it's not drive in the way she identifies with it doesn't make it less valid.
Being “too woke for a joke.” I say this as a leftist and as someone who has dedicated my life to activism. Of course at first it seems great to have someone so sensitive and conscious and ethical by your side.
But, if you cannot understand other points of view or simply lighten the eff up every now and again, or understand the emotional context of someone’s words, you are not progressive, you are a buzzkill and thought policing.
My ex found a way to make everything negative, political, or downright depressing. He was an improv teacher. One of his students was in an improv scene where one student said “Hey my dude, stop twirling your beard,” and the other student said “No I don’t have a beard, I’m clearly a woman!” And instead of stopping the scene for breaking improv rules, he stopped it for being “transphobic.”
I was told this by a student who had no clue the teacher was my boyfriend. This was in a major metropolitan city where we all clearly have friends of every background, and it was fair to say everyone in that improv community was progressive or unproblematic.
Of course when I met him we were on the same page ethics wise and politically but the longer we were together the more I wondered if he was feeding a negative aspect of positive beliefs if that makes sense.
I think there are some people who just like having a legit reason to criticise others and feel superior, rather than actually holding the values they tout or being interested in improving the world.
Saying yes to everything and everyone. At first it’s really cool when someone has done so much and has so many connections and friends.
But then they seem to lack appropriate boundaries, have a hard time saying no to others, and don’t know how to prioritize you or your relationship.
It’s ok to say no to invites, it’s ok to say no to people hitting on you (no they’re not just being friendly/networking), you won’t be disappointing anyone, you’re not suddenly an introvert or a hermit. You’re a person in a romantic relationship.
This one hits on so many points, and it applies to women as well as men.
Wanting to have everyone like them.
My ex did this at my expense, giving away my stuff, paying for other people’s bills etc.
funny thing was that he used to complain about his dad doing the exact same thing to his family and putting them into hardship.
Overexcitable people, it’s great until they are constantly cutting you off or yelling over you and show little to no interest in your life but the world is ending if you aren’t as excited for them as them.
Passive aggressive b******t. He would never take a stance on anything, so he could blame everyone else if it went sideways. Silent treatment and wouldn’t say what the issue was. Questions regarding why I needed to wear makeup to work. _All_ of these things happened very gradually over 20 years, so I wasn’t that aware, but I woke up one day, looked in the mirror and said to myself, “No. More.” I had become a blithering idiot.
That was 10 years ago, and after several years of therapy I am the person I was before I met him.
Codependency.
He was too chill, always wanted to go with the flow. he wanted to stay inside almost every time we hung out. towards the end, we basically stopped talking to each other altogether and would only really do our own thing but near each other and then take breaks where we talk and cuddle. which was super nice sometimes, but it got old eventually. it felt like we went from dating to just being friends without saying anything about it.
Being a 'freespirit' a.k.a a rebel. That s**t starts to get dumb asf when you want to be an adult & actually be responsible for your life.
It's even more pathetic when they hit their 30s, lose their hair, their looks & become fat asf yet still want to rebel against everyone & everything plus be centre of attention.
You begin to question why they're holding onto their earlier prime years, not doing anything about their fast fading looks, their mediocre life & still expect to be centre of attention 🤷♀️
Who & what are they fighting for?
Like grow tf up 🙄
If someone feels compulsive and urgent need to do things, that will make them "feel free" they are in fact not free at all.
Being too focused on money. While it's good to be financially stable, it doesn't make up for having a healthy family and good social life. I tend to work a lot to help investing in my future however I would like to share my investments (at least some of it lol) with friends and/or a partner. If the person is not as considerate then they get the boot.
Logic. He was completely unable to empathize with anyone. Unless the answers could be cemented, there was no path forward. The inability to understand how someone feels and how that affects decisions, judgments, life. It's very difficult to have a relationship with someone who can't see outside their own box.
my father was like this, a very analytical man but if something got emotional he would bring up statistics and such
Guys who think their opinions / preferences are always harmless / valid
“Well I (don’t) like it” doesn’t mean the thing is OK or harmless
All actions have consequences, just because you think something is fine doesn’t mean it actually is
Passiveness. Turns out they were passive about everything including what they wanted for their future, career, money, etc. There wasn’t one thing in their life that they desired for themselves.
Confidence can very easily turn into condescension and that quickly seeps into all interactions and builds animosity.
True and robust confidence is usually non-toxic. It's not always trivial to tell apart true confidence from brittle egotism. When online dating, I used to taunt guys to find out how they'd react. I developed quite a keen sense for "fake egos" and could tell them apart from "shiny genuine egos" most of the time. When I found a particular toxic specimen, I am not ashamed to say, I used my powers for evil and humiliated them into silence. To avoid confidence altogether is a mistake imho. What is more sexy than confidence?
P*rn consumption.
Consuming porn is not always a problem. It's when porn consumes you.
Always being the loudest. Like needing to Always be right and have the last word. At a point it becomes a bickering match and I'm not here for it. This is for friendships too
I have a dog that always has to have the last word. Drives me nuts.
Picky eater. I begin to resent you for it. I think its incredibly immature and childish.
Picky eating is often rooted in childhood anxiety, it might not be something you can just change or improve at will, and it's not necessarily immature or childish. I am a picky eater (in my early 50s), but I try to lessen the impact on others by finding at least one thing to eat at any restaurant or social function. As long as I'm not being rude or selfish, my lack of desire to try new foods does not actually affect anyone else.
Being a 'hustler' or glorifying 'the grind'.
There will ALWAYS be a next thing to focus on, and it won't be the relationship.
He was really social and likeable, he always knew what to say in every situation… turns out that he knew what to say to manipulate every situation and person too:D
Always want to text or talk on the phone. Was talking to a guy once and he would want to text 24x7. Nah bro i need some space
high productivity. It's great you have a job, many friends and a lot of interests and that you occupy your whole week doing so. But then, with that panorama, what time do you have left to build a relationship based on love with me? if you can't juggle your productivity, into making space for me, then there's no way I could be with you
My ex really liked helping people, but it came in the form of being a know-it-all. He always gave unsolicited advice and would get so mad at me when I didn’t take it, especially if I told him I really wasn’t looking for advice and sometimes I just need to vent. He would literally cry and tell me that I’m trying to repress who he is as a person. Which I guess is a life coach?? It took me an embarrassingly long time to dump him over this. It drove me f*****g crazy.
For me to let her have that time. Now, years later she is the same and her fiance doesn't get that about her even after being with her for over 9 years. He expects an answer immediately and refuses to let her gather her thoughts and think about her answer. Instead he refuses to give her the space to do that and constantly expects her to reply or react immediately. He just doesn't get that she needs that time.
He didn’t like that I dyed my hair. Turns out he had problems with basically everything about me.
Lying by omission. Like no I definitely don’t need or want to know everything. But somehow all those pertinent details always get left out. I wonder why lol
Being a pushover. It was all fine and dandy at first, but being with someone who doesn't voice their own opinions or disagree with you *ever* is really boring and tiring.
All the onus of the relationship is then on you, so if things go wrong, it's obviously someone else's fault.....
Oversharing! At first I thought it was great because I thought he was super open to talking about things (especially his past). Turns out he was a pathological liar who did that to make himself seem convincing when he'd lie to me about things that had happened.
His focus on mental health. He ended up blaming me for all his mental health problems (I was not the cause) even though it turned out he was the one cheating
Clinginess.
Might be cute for the beginning but turns out really stressfull if you can't have a day for yourself like for the whole relationship.
Calls, uninvited visits etc
Can Start really nice as a sign of "I think about you/care for you" but can also be a Flag it might be a control freak. At least if you tell them to don't come over this day/weekend whatever and they eventually come over. Or if they call you constantly while they know you don't have time at this moment.
Wanting to live together, decorate your flat
After being in the relationship for a while yeah why not discussing These topics.
But if you're just together for a short time or clearly stated you don't want one of these or nether of both.... and constantly bringing up these topics. Or even starting to tell you how you have to arrange furniture or what you can buy and what not
“Not being good with emotions” At first that was okay, I thought that he would learn to understand. But it got to the point where I would try to communicate what I was feeling. Or communicate why I was upset and he then saw me as “too emotional” and that led to a break up.
Wanting to turn everything into a debate, wanting to win every debate!
Sometimes it’s not about whether you’re right or wrong. All that matters is how you s/o is feeling!
"He really values his friends. How nice it is to be surrounded by a close knit group."
Yeah, except it was at my expense 🙃
Always posting everything we do on social media. Turns out he was more in move with his image.
Laziness and agreeability as well. I thought I wanted to date someone lazier than me so I could learn how to relax better, but in reality I’m a very high energy person who wants someone to burn that energy with. And I want that person to think of things for us to do, that we both like. Not just me whose bored and says let’s do something, and he says “like what?” I want spontaneous conversations and activities.
Reminds me of the Disney 'Jungle Book' the 4 liverpudlian vultures on a wire (John, Paul, George and Ringo) "I'm bored! What do you want to do' I dunno, what do you want to do?" ad infinitum.
Silence, thought it was cute and they were more reserved. We moved fast, then he talked non stop, and it was the most mind blowing ridiculous stuff that came out. Why Pluto is a moon, thinking Indiana license plates were India plates and the passengers were from India (we live in the US), vouching that you can see babies inside pregnant women’s bellies with a flashlight. Yeah no I couldn’t do it, and yes he was serious, and he was 24-26. It lasted a little too long, and by the end I was worried I might die if ever in a serious situation by a well intentioned but horrible way he’d think to go about it.
Oh and angry passion on topics. Liked that he actually cared about things and over looked the kind of scary angry side of it. Yeah… turned out he can get that angry about anything, and has a bad temper problem, which isn’t fun if we have an argument over drinks. He’s working hard on it now but, yeah don’t ignore the angry red flag. I guess at least I can have a conversation 95% of the time though.
speaking without thinking
Me...I asked my partner what 30% of 100 was. As soon as I finished my sentence, i said never mind.. My mouth is faster than my brain is. I like being just as surprised as anyone else by what comes outta my mouth.
Being “silly and goofy”. It was endearing at first but got to the point where sustaining any conversation outside of superficial topics was incredibly difficult. He could never be serious. I got the ick real quick.
This may not be in the realm of personality, but food preference. I like variety and spicy and if someone won't go out of their comfort zone and try something new or a new cuisine, I'm out - great sex be damned.
Wanting to be fun and entertaining. All the time.
It came to the point where it seemed like silence was the enemy, we couldn’t even watch a 24-minute episode of a show in peace without him trying to start a conversation. If he couldn’t think of anything he’d just start saying senseless gibberish thinking it was “so funny and random.”
Being philosophical. I loved his philosophical mind, but in a relationship he took it to the extreme and wasn't able to see the practical ramifications of things and would get stymied in deciding how to act.
Not being possessive of me or feeling jealousy in any way. Thought it was cool until it became clear he actually wants to be non-monogamous and get with a limitless number of women (he would want the same for me but that’s not what I’m about).
This is a weird thing to be mad about. Ok, I'm non-monogamous and don't personally experience jealousy (though many non-monogamous people do), so maybe I'm projecting, but what the hell was this person doing that they had to register a lack of jealousy in their partner? Doesn't sound like they're very monogamous to me
Availability
Luckily I saw it very fast for what it was soon after - that he was very underemployed & not a good father to his children
Constantly referencing themselves in every situation.
Not wanting to talk every day. That's perfectly okay for some people, but for me I like to be in contact with my SO as much as possible.
Reserved...turned into boring.
Yeah, when I meet a quiet person, I tend to project all kinds of depth and interesting stuff that must be hiding inside. And I like the idea of being the key that unlocks that treasure chest. So it's really all about me, not about them. In reality, sometimes a quiet person does have a lot of interesting stuff to share, but it's their choice when and with whom they want to share it. And sometimes they're quiet because they really just don't have anything going on inside. There's just no "there" there.
Being an introvert. Thought it would be fine if we both just had our own time to do what we want, but it turned into me resenting being her only person she was close to, and her resenting me going out and having a big circle of friends. Wasn't a constant issue but would come up every time we disagreed about something.
Edit: constant, not contact
This article has every personality trait. Some of them opposites. Decisiveness and indecisiveness, reserved and high energy, introvert and extrovert. I have learned two things: everyone has different preferences and that everything should be in moderation.
It's more watching for people who ALWAYS have to make the final decision, or NEVER make a decision, etc... Everyone has moments but it's when people are consistently showing a personality trait.
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If all the people who hated laziness traded with the people who didn't like productivity we could cut this list by half
Every pot has its lid. A lot of what I read seem to be personnality traits that don't work together. (Agree, some other points on this list are real red flags). And finding the good person can take some time. You make "mistakes" along the way, think someone is made for you when really they're not. It doesn't mean they (or you) are bad people. Just that you don't work as a couple. I think the biggest mistake is not to date "outside of your style", because sometimes it surprising how well some couple work even if the partners are really different. Not, the mistake is to perservere in a relationship that doesn't work hoping that it'll eventually do. Nobody changes radically. Sure, you can work on some traits, but you'll always be more or less the same person. Same for your partner. So don't waste time with someone if it doesn't work.
This is a very depressing article... Why bother dating, I'll be never good enough.
Overly self-critical is also a negative trait in a relationship
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The hiding insults behind "calm down, I'm just joking". This my father, who I see like once a decade because he does this. Last time I visited after not seeing him for years, his first words were essentially "jeez, Jay, you got fat." And then when I get annoyed get told he's just joking. What's the joke then? What a coward.
I learned that those who hate making decisions should date the controlling people.😁
I think ot all boils down to balance. A good example is showing emotion: he cried when his dog died? Understandable. That's fine. But crying every day over something? Not okay. We want sensitive. But balance it out.
I got to #20 when I remembered there were 76 more to go. I couldn't go further. So negative.
Too many of these turned into "I thought the person had this (neutral or even good) trait, but it turned out to be this (terrible) trait," but at least every one of these turned into healthy discussions. SO much better than the man-bashing that BP sometimes turns into. And much more helpful. I can see myself, or more former self, in several of these. SO much better than triggering defensiveness in men and paranoid self-isolation in women.
Right ok so basically understand all my traits are toxic even the nice traits I never realized about. I should be motivated and make my own decisions but at the same time be more laid back and let other folk make their own decisions? Be able to hold a conversation about things I have no idea about even when the other person is giving 1 word answers about their favourite topic and MOST of all be myself but also not quite myself a weird pseudo version of myself that's both confident but also not too brash. I've got that right haven't i? please tell me I got that right? Guess I'll just have to be happy wandering and camping the Scottish wilderness by myself then XD
Most seem to be about extremes. Saving money= good. Only ever eating can beans = bad. Buying nice or luxury items that will be used and can be afforded = good. Maxing out 20 credit cards buying Funko Pops = not so good.
Load More Replies... This article has every personality trait. Some of them opposites. Decisiveness and indecisiveness, reserved and high energy, introvert and extrovert. I have learned two things: everyone has different preferences and that everything should be in moderation.
It's more watching for people who ALWAYS have to make the final decision, or NEVER make a decision, etc... Everyone has moments but it's when people are consistently showing a personality trait.
Load More Replies... If all the people who hated laziness traded with the people who didn't like productivity we could cut this list by half
Every pot has its lid. A lot of what I read seem to be personnality traits that don't work together. (Agree, some other points on this list are real red flags). And finding the good person can take some time. You make "mistakes" along the way, think someone is made for you when really they're not. It doesn't mean they (or you) are bad people. Just that you don't work as a couple. I think the biggest mistake is not to date "outside of your style", because sometimes it surprising how well some couple work even if the partners are really different. Not, the mistake is to perservere in a relationship that doesn't work hoping that it'll eventually do. Nobody changes radically. Sure, you can work on some traits, but you'll always be more or less the same person. Same for your partner. So don't waste time with someone if it doesn't work.
This is a very depressing article... Why bother dating, I'll be never good enough.
Overly self-critical is also a negative trait in a relationship
Load More Replies... The hiding insults behind "calm down, I'm just joking". This my father, who I see like once a decade because he does this. Last time I visited after not seeing him for years, his first words were essentially "jeez, Jay, you got fat." And then when I get annoyed get told he's just joking. What's the joke then? What a coward.
I learned that those who hate making decisions should date the controlling people.😁
I think ot all boils down to balance. A good example is showing emotion: he cried when his dog died? Understandable. That's fine. But crying every day over something? Not okay. We want sensitive. But balance it out.
I got to #20 when I remembered there were 76 more to go. I couldn't go further. So negative.
Too many of these turned into "I thought the person had this (neutral or even good) trait, but it turned out to be this (terrible) trait," but at least every one of these turned into healthy discussions. SO much better than the man-bashing that BP sometimes turns into. And much more helpful. I can see myself, or more former self, in several of these. SO much better than triggering defensiveness in men and paranoid self-isolation in women.
Right ok so basically understand all my traits are toxic even the nice traits I never realized about. I should be motivated and make my own decisions but at the same time be more laid back and let other folk make their own decisions? Be able to hold a conversation about things I have no idea about even when the other person is giving 1 word answers about their favourite topic and MOST of all be myself but also not quite myself a weird pseudo version of myself that's both confident but also not too brash. I've got that right haven't i? please tell me I got that right? Guess I'll just have to be happy wandering and camping the Scottish wilderness by myself then XD
Most seem to be about extremes. Saving money= good. Only ever eating can beans = bad. Buying nice or luxury items that will be used and can be afforded = good. Maxing out 20 credit cards buying Funko Pops = not so good.
Load More Replies...