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Trust. Respect. Communication. These are but a few things that form the foundations of a solid, long-lasting relationship. The quickest way to destroy what you and your partner have built up is to distrust them, disrespect them, and refuse to tackle any issues that you might have. And it can take an outsider’s perspective to help you realize that you’re stuck in a dead-end relationship that’s making your life hell.
Redditor u/icyqueen999 turned to the r/AskReddit community and asked them about the most obvious signs that someone’s relationship is toxic, and they shared their honest opinions. We’ve collected some of their most insightful comments to share with you. Scroll down to see what they had to say.
Bored Panda reached out to the author of the thread, u/icyqueen999, and they revealed to us what had inspired them to start the serious thread in the first place. You'll find our interview with them below.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Holding something over the other person. Example: my friends boyfriend has to "reconsider the relationship, and if he wants to marry her" every time she does something wrong. She messed up a sauce for dinner once and he said this and "contemplated" for 3 days because "how can i marry someone who doesnt listen to my instructions"
TheElderNom 2 years ago
Doesn't sound like a manchild, more like a manipulative douchebag.
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Dogcat vet (retired) 2 years ago
'How can I marry someone who spends three days contemplating a nonperfect sauce?"
Redditor u/icyqueen999 was very open with Bored Panda about the reasons why they decided to start up the thread in the first place.
"Firstly, I was inspired because I was going through a toxic relationship," they told us.
"I think my thread resonated with many people because they've all encountered such experiences in their lives," the OP said, adding that the topic must have "touched a part of them" that made them instinctively want to share their own experiences.
RELATED:
#2
Based on personal experience... when you have to walk on eggshells because you're worried about how how they might react
Loverboy 2 years ago
Or you learn to avoid doing something you know will set them off. Or avoid doing other things because you're worried they'll have the same reaction over that.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 2 years ago
Been there. I was trying to get out but I was terrified of her. Had good reason to be because she stalked me for a year after.
grotesqueer 2 years ago
I think there's two sides to this. There's also people who claim/think they can't do or say anything around their partner, when in reality the things they want to say/do are actually hurtful.
Moezzzz 2 years ago
My dad. We used to hide in our rooms and listen through the door to see what his mood was like. That way, it saved us from unnecessary screaming.
#3
One person does all of the housework/cooking/chores/shopping/maintenance/childcare, yet the other person continues to complain that they don't do it right.
YouKiddingMe (It/Its) 2 years ago
Which one, all the work or all the complaining?
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Blarrg 2 years ago
The rule in our house is "You can decide to let someone else do it, or decide how you want it done, but not both."
Annemarie Mattheyse 2 years ago
My response is: if you have a strong opinion about how something should be done, you should do it yourself.
Moezzzz 2 years ago
If someone else does something for you, that you now no longer have to do, stfu and say "thank you!!!". Like, my husband will clean the kitchen and dishes but puts them in places I can never find. Aggravating? Absolutely! BUT, he cleaned the kitchen. There's no way in hell I'm gonna nag him about where he put things because then he'll never clean it again (and rightfully so).
Rebecca McManus 2 years ago
That's my ex husband, now I do all the shopping, cooking, housework, and maintenance but at least my daughter helps and says thank you
Israel Martinez 2 years ago
The only thing I complain about is how things are folded or organized ... I keep an organized closet and drawers ... I have tried to get my wife to learn how to fold clothes efficiently, hang washed clothes efficiently when drying and folding linens for efficient space-saving ... I constantly have to refold the linens, there are wet clothes hanging in spaces that could have been avoided if they had been hung better on the clothesline and she just wants me to fold her clothes, but doesn't want to learn how to fold them ... and yes, I also do laundry ...
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
As long as it's not a case of not being allowed to do it by the person who is "doing it wrong". Have seen that before too. Really a lose lose there.
According to redditor u/icyqueen999, the strongest relationships are built on foundations that include trust, respect, and good communication. Those are the things that partners should value the most.
"Couples should be able to voice out their problems and find ways to get it fixed whether going to seek therapy or help from family or friends whom they can trust," the redditor shared.
"I believe my post helped a lot of people find meaning and ways to overcome such negativity in their relationships."
Moreover, the redditor noted that they "got lots of help" and feedback from all the other internet users. Some of the advice was very useful and genuinely helped them out in real-life.
#4
I had an abusive girlfriend many years ago. She was bipolar and it caused a lot of problems. I remember the day I realized that things were f****d. I was driving out of the work parking lot, and my phone rang. My reaction when I saw my girlfriend was calling was "aw, f**k, what am I about to get screamed at about now?" And sure enough, I answer the phone and she's immediately screaming at me about some stupid s**t I don't even remember.
Point is, if contact from your significant other stresses you out because you're expecting to get yelled at, that's a f*****g toxic relationship.
Michelle C 2 years ago
The key difference here is whether the person who has a mental illness or several mental illnesses is willing to seek treatment and hold himself or herself accountable to doing so. Clearly, this young lady was unwilling to do so and take accountability for her mistakes and sins. It’s no wonder that the relationship fell apart, sadly.
Ash 2 years ago
As someone who was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a significant other has no requirement to stay with a person who is bad for their own mental health and life, even if that person IS getting help. Yeah, it'd be great to stay and support them, but sometimes it just isn't for you, and that is perfectly valid. <3
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Phil Vaive 2 years ago (edited)
Having bipolar disorder is NOT a red flag, and it in itself does not cause problems. Not managing it, though, can.
Morgan Carpenter 2 years ago
Bipolar Disorder and BPD aren't the same thing. I agree with the sentiment either way, though. Being diagnosed with a mental illness isn't a red flag.
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crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
This isn't cause she has bipolar, it's cause she's a d**k. There's a good chance I have bipolar and I try my best to not let it affect anyone else, even without meds. My boyfriend knows what to expect and knows that he can take a break if it gets too hard to deal with me. She just sucks as a person if she's not doing that
Cavern Gill-Vernon 2 years ago
I had my favourite classical music piece as my ringtone. 25+ years later, if I hear it now, I still feel I'm going to get moaned at for no reason. She left me eventually, was cheating on me with my "friend" whilst I was being diagnosed with Cancer. So, not all bad then lol
Androgyny Lunacy 2 years ago
Then don't be in a relationship with someone with mental illness.
#5
Someone who does not let you have a life outside of the relationship and gets upset when you see friends or do hobbies you like, even if you make time for them.
Michelle C 2 years ago
Yup. If a family member, friend, or romantic partner attempts to isolate you from other people in your life so that you spend more time with them than you would otherwise, run!! This is also true if the person isolating you gets to do whatever they want, regardless of whom they harm.
Karen Grace 2 years ago
My ex was like that. That's part of why he's an Ex.
Load More Replies... Guy Lombardo 2 years ago
Run! This is abuse and can be the early signs of physical abuse yet to come.
Azolane 2 years ago
Sounds like my husband. I told him I was going at a wedding with my friend, and he very passive-agressively asked me why I was going if only my friend knew the couple. Told him alright then, I won't be going to any of your stupid bbqs anymore since they are all your friends there, not mine.
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
My ex isolated me completely from everyone except his chosen few. I now have a few friends, but zero from my youth.
Behnjamin 2 years ago
Be there done that! I finally got the chance to hang out with my friends for the evening after months! The second I got to his place, I got a text message from my wife "You have to come home now!" I laughed and stayed a couple hours longer! Found out a few months later that she was cheating on me. I would feel sorry for the guy she cheated on me with, but I don't
alwaysMispelled 2 years ago
As long as they are *really* making time for you, and don't define that as simply "being-in-the-same-room-as-you"
#6
If his wedding vows include the phrase “keep my belly full and my balls empty”.
Edit:
Here’s the article and video(s)
https://www.intheknow.com/post/grooms-disgusting-wedding-vows-red-flags/?amp
Littlemiss 2 years ago (edited)
Cut his balls off shove them down his throat and walk away. Both perquisites sorted.
Eris Kallisti 2 years ago
Ugh, your vows are supposed to be what *you're* going to do for *them*, not the other way round
Firedrake 2 years ago
That is such a good point, and zeroes in on exactly why it sounds so horrible.
Load More Replies... A B C the Third 2 years ago (edited)
The link doesn't work at the moment, but as a PSA: please stop sharing "amp" links. It's a framework by almighty google that makes pages load a fraction of a second faster... but includes google "services" into the page and monitor what y'all do, and when. Please folks, show google the middle finger by simply NOT using any amp bullshít. Sorry for my rambling, and hopefully thank you for choosing not-google.
BJ Hage 2 years ago
How do you know it's amp and how do you get rid of the google services?
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MrsFettesVette 2 years ago
She's got a case of Stockholm syndrome, if you watch her rebuttal videos
Load More Replies... TomCat 2 years ago
I hope she leaves his dumb a*s. An annulment is way cheaper than a divorce.
TomCat 2 years ago (edited)
He can say all that s**t in his vows but BP won't let me curse. What a world!
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According to licensed clinical psychologist Holly Schiff, if you notice a red flag in your relationship, it’s essential that you communicate with your partner. Moreover, you could also speak to your family and friends to get their perspectives on the situation.
“I think it's just important to not be with yourself in your own head about this," Schiff told Today that an outsider’s perspective can help you get to grips with the current state of your relationship and whether you should try to figure it out or consider ending things.
Today explains that some of the relationship red flags to be wary of include inconsistent behavior, verbal abuse, mismatched relationship goals, and excessive jealousy. Something else to keep an eye out for is a history of infidelity, a lack of effort to get to know the people you care the most about in your life, and the relationship moving way too fast. Controlling behavior, gaslighting, and being secretive are also indications that you might be in a toxic relationship.
“If they’re doing things that make you feel insecure, that’s usually a red flag,” Jennifer Klesman, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist in Chicago, told Today that a partner twisting the truth is nothing like healthy conflict.
#7
When they say we need to work on our communication, but every time you bring anything up they get mad and start an argument.
Annie 1973 2 years ago
Daughter and I know she needs time to gather her thoughts. If you refuse to let her walk away to have that time she reacts badly. Even after 10 years her partner still expects her to talk to him immediately and she refuses so he gets even more angry. Leave her be fgs, let her think about what you've said. She has told him and I've also told him that she needs to think about it for a bit so stop following her and expecting a response immediately!
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Mary Brommerich 2 years ago
Or they take everything you say and hear only what they want to hear; then twist it and throw it back at you as what you said to them. I hate this.
Rodney Bowie 2 years ago
It's difficult to spot, but sometimes "we need to work on our communication (or go to therapy or work on the relationship, etc)" is their opportunity to exploit your willingness to change for the betterment of the communication, relationship, etc. These are all fine things to do, and honorable to engage in, but it's both a wild and sobering moment when you realize you are being manipulated through this attempt to do the right thing.
#8
Well my best friend died on my wedding day & my ex got annoyed and told me to stop crying. From a retrospect, that was kind of a red flag.
Michael Largey 2 years ago
"People cry at deaths and rejoice at weddings for the same reason - they are not the one involved."
Becca Kuehn 2 years ago
That was a HUGE red flag! I'm sorry that you were treated so horribly by your ex.
#9
From personal experience:
- your partner is much nicer to you when you have a disagreement in front of friends than when you have one at home - meaning that they *know* the way they actually handle it would not be publicly acceptable
- they invalidate your emotional experience and make you feel like what you're going through doesn't matter or "make any sense"
- when they leave the house you feel better; if they go away for a week you feel irritable when they're back
- they never make you feel like a priority, you're always second or third to their friends, their parents, their hobbies
Karen Grace 2 years ago
That sounds a lot like my ex. Not all of it, but enough to cause some flashbacks.
Helen Bennett 2 years ago
Yikes, that's how I feel about my mum. All the sweetness evaporates as the front door closes. And that's why we haven't stayed there overnight for 5 years.
Penny Kemper 2 years ago
Nobody fights the same in front of other people. In fact a lot of people would fight in front of others. And you being irritated when they're around sound like a you problem.
There is no alternative to transparency in romantic relationships. Either you’re open and honest with your partner about the most important things in your life or you’re not. However, there is a bit of a difference between secrecy and privacy. Secrecy is what you want to avoid. Meanwhile, the desire for privacy is something that’s completely natural and everyone should respect.
Broadly speaking, if some piece of information affects your partner, then you should absolutely share it with them. Try to put yourself in their shoes and see whether you yourself would like to know about what you’re hiding. However, if the info doesn’t really impact them, feel free to keep it to yourself if you’d like.
#10
No communication and everything is a blame game with no acceptance of responsibility
#11
Love is like a fart…if you have to force it, it’s probably s**t.
#12
Gaslighting. Or the idea that whatever you say can make them mad, so you start choosing every word way too carefully / end up not speaking your mind to avoid a fight
AnnaB 2 years ago
Actually, gaslighting is manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity or reality. Twisting things so that the other person loses their grip on what is true.
Mary Rogers 2 years ago
I kind of kind got the impression that they were trying to talk about two different things, but it didn't come out well.
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Israel Martinez 2 years ago
I choose my words carefully, but not because of any toxicity ... I do it to make sure I've formulated the proper rationale that she cannot counter ... she doesn't tend to be too rational when it comes to making decisions ...
Say if you’re working on the Next Great American Novel, you might want to keep it a secret before you’ve put in the time and effort to get the first draft finished. On the flip side, you might feel that you need your partner’s support and decide to tell them how you’re struggling with the dialogues in Chapter 2.
But if, for example, your health is suffering and you’re having to run tests at the hospital, this is definitely something that your loved one should know because it massively impacts them. Similarly, you shouldn’t hide something as important as losing your job or that you’re constantly irritated that your partner doesn’t pull their own weight around the house when it comes to basic chores. You might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable, but it’s always best to discuss these issues aloud instead of hiding them away or letting them fester.
#13
We had a friend who would not speak until after her boyfriend spoke. One night she was over for dinner without him and mentioned how her boyfriend was passionate and sometimes put his fist through their walls. After that comment she came to help me do dishes and I was like, “uh, that’s not normal. You ok? Last time I punched a wall I was a 14 year old boy…” she eventually left him but the fact that she always demurred to him, to me, is a red flag.
Gin Marie 2 years ago
The myth is that batterers are "out of control" but they never hurt their own stuff. They never get "out of control" with their boss. Or some important person. Or their friends. It's very controlled. I read a report of a guy who was just married and he took his new wife to visit his parents at Christmas. She did something that annoyed him, but he never said anything. Instead, after leaving the house, they got halfway to their car, and then he attacked her and beat her up in full view of the neighbors and HIS parents. Nobody did anything, which says a lot in itself. He never touched her again. They were married ten years. All he did was say, "Remember Christmas."
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Nonesuch 2 years ago
I've never heard this phrase but it makes perfect sense.
Load More Replies... Katiekat 2 years ago
And her "submission" is a red flag for "please abuse me". Everyone, women especially, should learn to stand up for themselves early on. Parents, don't raise your children to be nice! Nice gets run over, kidnapped, abused. There's a way to be assertive without being rude. Learn it, or life will be a VERY rocky road.
#14
If you have to wait until your S/O is in a "good mood" to bring up a problem you have in the relationship (get out asap)
Somebodys grandmother 2 years ago
This is not 100 % accurate. In a good relationsship you talk about things when you are calm and with normal senses. In peace-time... not in war-time... But if you are in a relationship when wartime is normal - get out!
Blurryface 2 years ago
This is what I have to do with my oldest sibling and my parents. I’m 16.
crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I'd wait just so it's more comfortable for them. It's always nicer to not have stuff piled on you when you're down
Mary Brommerich 2 years ago
I just do or say thing's anyway now. What's he going to do? Holler? He's going to do that anyway.
#15
If you find yourself feeling alone in the relationship.
Ashen Mccann (They/Them) 2 years ago
now, obviously, some people have some mental stuff that makes them think their alone, bpd, sometimes they just grew up independent and they think they are or something else and other stuff, but i also get what you mean.
Spencer's slave 2 years ago
Or choosing to be alone in a partnership/marriage. I came to prefer my own company rather than "be" with him. He's gone onto his 3rd wife. I'm chilling with cat, good book, good wine and BP. Never undervalue your own self.
Michelle C 2 years ago
The sole exceptions I can think of offhand are for those who have been through severe trauma, struggle with mental illness such as clinical anxiety or depression (among others, of course), or neurological concerns, such as ADHD and autism. All of the above can definitely contribute negatively to a person’s self-perception and those who struggle in these ways may often feel alone, even when they’re not..
Loverboy 2 years ago
I think this was more my fault than there's. My mental health wasn't great, always felt like they could be doing better, I was just an annoyance, they don't really care, etc.
#16
Break up, make up, break up, make up, rinse, and repeat.
Loverboy 2 years ago
Been in one of those. I always felt guilty because they would go overboard with the reactions, guilt me or sweet talk me, and i'd just give in.
Epsilon 2 years ago (edited)
I have also been in this kind of situation. Luckily it didn't last long even with the multiple instances.
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Samara Messer 2 years ago (edited)
Went through this years ago. Looking back, we only really got along when I agreed with him all the time and went along with all the things he wanted to do. Saying no or having a different opinion set him off in a tirade of verbal abuse. If I gave in, he would calm down. If I stood my ground he would list all the things wrong with me and then dump me. This repeated too many times to count. He was a controlling jerk.
#17
Being yelled at/attacked for reacting to their abusive behavior.
Loverboy 2 years ago (edited)
I remember my dad once saying: "You think that's abusive? I'll show you abusive." because I got tired of something he was doing. He just got really pissed and was yelling at me for a few hours, but it made no sense. Yes, show me how you're not abusive by being abusive.
#18
Constantly being accused of cheating. I would bring up a guy friend or a coworker and all of a sudden he'd think I'm f*****g them.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Either that or they had an ex cheat on them and it's still an open wound. Still not a good thing though.
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Annie 2 years ago
My ex used to do that...I finally figured out it was because HE was cheating
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
I spent many years in this circumstance. If I had been with every male he accused me of, I would have been sacked a thousand times and broken up a hundred marriages.
TheElderNom 2 years ago
A guy my mother was seeing long before I was born was like that. But anyone she met without him was a reason for concern, including people like his mother, her grandmother and everyone at work.
Katie DeThabrew 2 years ago
Usually a sign of their own cheating being projected onto you. Warped thinking is that it’ll make you as bad as they are.
Moezzzz 2 years ago
My ex once screamed at me for wanting to have sex with a black man, then shoved me into a wall. For reference, a commercial came on for a new movie and the lead was Will Smith, and I said, " oh, I bet that will be good". He asked if I liked Will Smith, I said "yeah, he's a good actor" (this was 2012), and then it spiraled. So, what he actually said was "You want to f**k a N-word, don't you!!!!". I was absolutely terrified of him and couldn't tell anyone at that point what was going on. He was a chief at a fire dept and had been a police officer before that. I tried to tell someone, but they sort of blew it off, like "well, that's Jeff! What can ya do?" His life caught up to him though- major alcoholic and was caught drunk at work AT an active fire. Oh, and I moved several states away and hope he never finds me
Moezzzz 2 years ago
What I find funny now, is that after finally leaving and getting my life back, I married a beautiful Hispanic man. He was the biggest racist, misogynist, homophobic a*****e you could ever meet. Years later, I feel like I might have been bullied into that relationship. Because I was divorced and had 2 kids and he was this big shot who lead a fire house, had a booming landscaping business and had money. He kept telling me he was misunderstood, needed someone like me in his life, blah blah blah. Every time I tried to back away, SOMETHING would happen where he "just needed me". Before I knew it, I was terrified of everything or of anyone finding out what was really going on.
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Israel Martinez 2 years ago
My ex was cheating (cheating) ... because of this, she assumed that at any point, I was going to do the same in retaliation (never did, just left) ...
#19
Your feelings are being invalidated, "You got mad at that?" when you say you're upset by something that they did.
Rilmar 2 years ago
"Well, that's only YOU who feels this way", said in the most dismissive way imaginable, after I had expressed how uncomfortable I was with my feelings being dismissed and invalidated out of all things
DumYum 2 years ago
And yet, they can fly off the handle over any little thing but “that’s okay.”
Tyranamar Seuss 2 years ago
Exactly. I had an ex who blew up bc I took one of my shedded hairs off my pants and put it on the floor of the car instead of throwing it out the window. He was full on screaming at me. I'm sorry but- You got mad at that?! Is a legitimate question here.
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KJHooks 2 years ago
Another one that is wrong. If someone gets mad at something that no reasonable person would get mad at, they’re just wrong
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
I get what you're trying to say, but maybe calling the angry partner wrong is not the best approach. "Why do you feel that way?" would probably be a better response. Let them realise for themself they're being irrational rather than calling them out on it.
Load More Replies... #20
Lack of friends on one side. I've known a couple people, who one of them wouldn't be "allowed" to have friends. Their only friends were the friends of their partner. Massive red flag.
Michelle C 2 years ago
Again, if a loved one is isolating you from other people actively, run!!
Mark Fuller 2 years ago
Context is important. I'm an introvert and have hardly any friends, so our social circle if via my husband. He keeps encouraging me to make more friends but... I'm just not a people person.
Raphapablap 2 years ago (edited)
Agreed! Not being "allowed" to have friends and not having friends is a different thing all together. I have maybe one friend but it's a case of when we hang out we have a great time and then don't see each other for months. By contrast, my partner has loads of friends as she is more social, and most of the time we go out with her friends.
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GrowingThruConcrete 2 years ago
Also a red flag if your partner can't keep friends or maintain family relationships, if you're the only person close in his/her life.
#21
"They won't let me" *LET* you??
ETA I am NOT referring to times when one is using the other to get out of something. Nor am I referring to completely reasonable "lets" like owning a pet that can't be sustained or an obnoxious behavior being prohibited at designated times. I'm referring to "won't let me talk to so and so" "won't let me wear xyz" "won't let me see family" "won't let me go out" that kind of let not a completely reasonable let.
The what abouts in the comments are, honestly, frustrating me. The prompt is about toxic relationships. My "let" is referring to toxic relationships. So the comments being like "what about this totally healthy context" is just...grrr Please use your best judgment. That's all I ask.
Genericist 2 years ago
Absolutely agree if this is what's going on, but I've also encountered a few situations over the years where it turns out that is just an excuse because the person doesn't want to do the thing and it's an easy way of getting out of it, or their partner has expressed a preference and they've framed it as "won't let me". I've been concerned a relationship is abusive and it's turned out there was no "let", it was just people unfairly shifting the blame because it was easy. Don't do this, folks. It's not fair on your partner and creates a false impression, where friends worry and think your partner is an a*****e.
SkekVi 2 years ago
'my partner won't let me' is a relic of when our r@pe culture was much worse, and you couldn't directly say no (or yes!) so you had to make up excuses that showed you had 'no choice'. *Usually* society isn't like that anymore, but it depends where you are and what microculture you're stuck in. It's not a great habit to continue and I certainly don't want to live a society that forces that kind of behaviour, but... yeah there's a reason this phrasing exists, is I guess what I'm saying. For example of this still persisting into today: I am only in my thirties and yet grew up in a microculture where you couldn't directly say 'no' OR 'yes' to anything--which was how things were in 1950s and earlier America. Either one required the illusion of some authority 'forcing' you. As you pointed out, this also masks truly abusive behaviour wherein one partner really *doesn't* 'let' their partner do x.
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Amy Taylor 2 years ago
A group of us were going out after work to a restaurant/bar across the street and I asked one of my co-workers to join us, she said “your husband lets you go out after work?” 😮 Me: I don’t have to ask his permission… does your boyfriend expect that? So she calls to tell him where we’re going and he freaking showed up there with some b******t story how he wanted to meet her friends 🤦🏻♀️ It was so off putting.
parmadillo 2 years ago
I was hoping my partner and I could revisit him not letting me get 50 cats. Turns out that’s reasonable? Darn.
#22
If someone refuses to apologize for any reason, ever. It means they put their pride before the person they are with and the relationship.
Loverboy 2 years ago
That's how my dad is. He will never, ever admit he's wrong. Not like he realizes he's wrong, because how could he be.
Bumblebee 2 years ago
Yeah there's a weird difference between refusing to apologize and failing to ever recognize there's even a need for it. I'm not even sure which one bugs me more but they both suck
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Miranda Veracruz de la Joya Cardenal 2 years ago
"I will apologize... if I'm ever wrong" infamous words of a famous person.
#23
My 57 year old colleague constantly has to send videos and pics of him working to his wife
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago (edited)
This sounds very specific, and while it is unreasonable, there could be justification for her mistrust. Edit: changed a word in previous sentence for clarity.
Haywood Jablome 2 years ago (edited)
You would never say this if the genders were reversed. In what scenario is sending your SO evidence multiple times a day that you are doing what you say you are doing healthy? Addendum: there is no reason for this level of mistrust that justifies the relationship continuing in this way
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Moezzzz 2 years ago
My husband has a soldier like this. I was visiting him in Laredo, Texas during the Border Patrol c**p going on and this guy was constantly sending pics to his wife while we were at dinner. She wanted to know why I was there. Now, there was nothing stating she couldn't come down and stay with him, lots of soldiers were doing that, she just couldn't be bothered to make the drive. If you're THAT insecure or feel the need to ever do this, just split up. Life is way too short to spend it constantly worried that you're being cheated on.
#24
One partner always gets their way.
For me, it was "easier" to bend over backward than to deal with the whining and complaining if I stood my ground. Easier is in quotes because it was only easier in the short term - long term made life hell.
Samara Messer 2 years ago
Yep, had to give in and let him have his way to keep the peace and avoid an argument or breakup.
#25
My ex once pulled out a diary that she wanted to show me to "be open about her thoughts" and "lay them all on the table"
It was legit a full list of all the things she hated about me, written in the most deep and depressing way. About my career, lack of motivation, lack of communication, and how she doesn't find me unattractive. Her depression, that was my fault. It was the most deeply hurtful words written in a paragraph, conscribed in a such a way that would not paint her as a bad person for saying + tears.
I get I was going through a bad patch back then (as many were after covid). But f*****g hell, looking back nobody should ever treat someone like that. End of the day, I was a 23 year old with flaws, and was still managing to hold our relationship together, we were okay.
3 months after we break up, I get offered a promotion within my company, 5 months after that I get offered another huge promotion. I went from £12k -> £25k -> £30k -> ~£55k all within the last 18 months. I haven't changed one bit either. Still 25 yrs.
Would never usually flex, but I'm proud and the proof is in the paycheck. I'm moving home, going skiing, spending time with mates, my life is good. Turns out those words were a load of s**t.
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
She wasn't sharing her feelings, she was taking your inventory. There's a huge difference.
Loverboy 2 years ago
You should be proud, you're doing a very good job. I'm glad you're out of that situation, that's a very terrible thing to do to your partner. I'm proud of you
Haywood Jablome 2 years ago
I have a feeling your downvotes are for supporting men XD I just know im going to find that one comment that blames men in the relationship for their maleness
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crowspectre (he/they) 2 years ago
I'm all for communication, but pointing out all of your S/O's flaws and blaming them for all of your problems is really not communication
Rapunzel With The Loced Hair 2 years ago (edited)
She was clearly holding you back from achieving your full potential. So happy for you OP 🫂
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
Did the OP mean "doesn't find me attractive" because the way it was written "doesn't find me unattractive" is actually a complement (a mild one but still). I don't necessarily see this sort of personal inventory to be a bad thing. But only if it goes both ways and involves real discussion about the issues. After all we've only got the poster's side of the story, maybe they *were* unmotivated and didn't communicate. To me that looks like the woman in the story trying to get her thoughts and concerns on paper and then trying to discuss them. Considering the OP broke up, it makes me wonder whether there was an attempt to discuss and resolve or just straight up break up?
#26
Lack of trust and constant fights.
kitten levels tokyo 2 years ago
I think if your SO tries to sell your organs, it’s time to go.
Pixie T 2 years ago
I'd be safe, as I have Cystic Fibrosis so All my organs are fu**ed. Nobody will pay for them 🤣
Load More Replies... Steve Robert 2 years ago
That happens when she's constantly cheating on you but won't tell the truth (unfortunately learned from personal experience).
#27
Lies. Deceit is the root of all evil. Deception. Hiding things. Finding out your partner was convicted of crimes and lied about it, or cheated in a horrific way and lied about it, lived a double life, etc. It causes a breakup in 100% of relationships involving untruths. Learning you've been conned or lied to for years - it's not salvageable.
Xenon 2 years ago
Cheated in a horrific way? Seems like cheating in general is enough, don't think it requires the horrific part.
Rosie Cat 2 years ago
Cheating in a horrific way is finding out your significant other ate another woman's p***y on your birthday. I'm sorry I had to get that off my chest.
Load More Replies... #28
being asked not to "like" or "comment" on any of their facebook posts because their SO will flip out if they notice someone of the opposite sex is in their friend list
#29
Contemplating having kids in an effort to save or make it stronger
GrowingThruConcrete 2 years ago
I know someone who sabotaged birth control on purpose to "trap" a dude- and she was shocked when he left her after all...
Becca Kuehn 2 years ago
Children should not be born with a job requirement.( to improve a relationship between adults.)
#30
Driving home from work you take a detour so the drive lasts longer.
Edit. I see a lot of comments about this kind of relationship with an ex. I’m glad some of you are out. For the rest of you in this cycle, don’t know what to tell you, but major hugs.
Michelle C 2 years ago (edited)
That depends on why, though. If taking a longer drive to clear your head altogether works, it works. If you’re stuck in traffic, sure- no problem. If you’re doing it so you can avoid family members’ or a partner’s intentional abuses of which they are fully cognizant, that is a problem. You need to separate from that person if you can!
Moezzzz 2 years ago
I couldn't do that. He would read the odometer. If it was off by even a 1/2 mile, he'd berate me as to why, who did I meet, what did I do, etc. This was 11 years ago, so yes, he's an ex and yes, he was cheating.
Ken Beattie 2 years ago
That should be another entry on the list, if they meticulously monitor mileage, phone minutes, internet usage, etc. and berate you over them.
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Paul Mitchell 2 years ago
I once drove past the road end and went and stayed with a relative for a few days. It didn't help but it got a few days respite for me.
Eris Kallisti 2 years ago
Now the Supertramp song "Long Way Home" is in my head. When I was little I couldn't figure out why it was so sad.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I'm single rn, but l always like to take a walk home instead to give me time to decompress and being present and less stressed for my SO
#31
If someone is always talking c**p about their partner whenever they are not together.
I've seen this far too many times, it's always ended in total disaster withing a few years at most.
#32
Being b****y to each other at group get together, I hate being around that.
Peppy 2 years ago
I used to have friends who did this at parties, like get really drunk and then start to bicker, but if anyone tried to calm the situation down they would turn on them. Then they’d walk off together saying how no one understood their love.
Terry Tobias 2 years ago
I like that you said you "used to have friends"! Life's too short to be around people like that.
Load More Replies... #33
You dread seeing them. They suck all of the joy out of a room. You feel too anxious to leave, in fear that they will hurt themselves/make it extremely difficult for you.
Loverboy 2 years ago
I've gotten suicide threats before. A lot. It was made even worse because when I did leave, she told me she was cutting and all that.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I had also suicide threats when l left. I was SO done that l told him to do whatever he wanted. He didn't, and l don't feel remotely bad for my response.
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Pixie T 2 years ago
My 1st girlfriend threatened to harm herself if ended it ( I was 20 she was 22) she liked drama and always found ways to cause arguments. I did end it and got a phone call from her mum calling me all sorts of names and screaming at me because it's my fault her daughter is in hospital with slit wrists and being treated for psychological issues now
#34
If you are not lifted up by your partner, but pulled down.
#35
If you constantly make compromises just to appease them and you are always the bad guy.
#36
Keeping score. “I did this last time.” Or “You never do that.” Leads to anger at the other person for no reason.
Karen Grace 2 years ago
That kind of depends. If things are really unbalanced, like if both work taxing jobs but she has to do all the cooking and cleaning by herself then I can see "you never do this" type of comments.
Gin Marie 2 years ago
It's so damned true. They leave dishes in the sink for YOU to wash. They can't even hit the laundry hamper. They "don't see" dirt like you do. They ask what needs to be done, when there's a full garbage can, the floor needs to be swept, the laundry needs to folded or done, the vacuum is RIGHT THERE, but they act like you need to tell them, an adult, to act like one.
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ROSESARERED 1 year ago
Any relationship that does that is a sad relationship...my ' BF' would do this to me, sadly no longer friends, she passed away, but I got tired of her counting things, not remembering all the times I was doing more for our friendship than her. Sometimes relationships run their time, calling it quits hurts less than all the anger and regret.
#37
Inability to take a step back, listen and analyze the other persons point and actually come to a conclusion during a conflict
Rahul Pawa 2 years ago
Yes...I've experienced this as a partner who swings from "it has to be my way" to "fine, do whatever you want cause that's what you're going to do anyway". Nothing in between.
#38
Being stalked at work or wherever you go. Having to "check in" to get approval before doing anything
#39
When a partner tells you 'I don't care, that's just the way I am' in response to being called out for an extremely toxic or abusive behaviour. Also if that is their response when you express feeling hurt or upset by that behaviour.
#40
Extremely long Facebook posts about their relationships. Not being able to be themselves around their Significant Other Not letting them be around their friends without them being there
#41
When they misinterpret your actions and then rather than ask you about your intentions, they stonewall you and then blow up at you for not knowing why their mad. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, you're in the toxic relationship.
Mary Rogers 2 years ago (edited)
My sister. That's exactly why we are mostly estranged. And when I try to explain things to her she accuses me of lying or says she doesn't want to talk about it.
#42
Unfair dynamics The main one I think of is where one person says demeaning/disrespectful things and the other person is just supposed to "take it" but the second the other person says one comment back to them they get upset and indignant.
Samara Messer 2 years ago
This is my mom. She can dish out the insults and criticism but if you say anything critical about her she has a meltdown.
#43
If you find yourself putting in more effort more often into the relationship.
Whenever you bring up some issues your having they make you feel bad for sharing how you feel.
They weaponize sex.
*edit when I say weaponize sex I mean that they use sex as a way of control, and yes I am well aware both Men and Women do this.
#44
When the efforts toward the relationship are highly imbalanced, one doing the receiving, the other doing all the giving
#45
The constant need to bring up how well they’re doing whenever they’re not fighting… Only to repeat the fighting cycle
#46
Lack of autonomy.
Things like having to vet every little thing you do with a partner, being isolated from outside relationships and not self actualizing outside of the context of "part of a couple".
There is usually a power imbalance or at the very least an unhealthy level of codependency.
#47
I’ve had one seriously toxic relationship. It was terrible.
For me, what the giveaway was simply how I felt. I realized I felt extremely invalidated constantly with my partner. I was constantly confused as to why they were either so angry or how they came to whatever conclusion they came to. Every situation was turned around on me even if I came to them with a valid concern.
And we’d get into arguments that literally went in circles. And it almost always ended with extremely passionate sex with zero resolution of the original issue.
Rinse. Repeat.
“Mindf**k” is what I would best describe being in a toxic relationship. You know it’s bad for you yet you keep coming back for more. And you can’t fully articulate why.
For my family, how they could tell we were in a toxic relationship, is how my partner spoke about me. I didn’t pick up on it but I was told to listen how she talks about me to others. She would lift herself up while almost simultaneously putting me down. Example: “Yeah, when he’s not with me he’s just a normal guy, but when I show up all eyes are on us.”
Near the end, I noticed I would lie to friends and family about our relationship and/or defend her actions just so they could like her and so I didn’t feel ashamed for staying with someone like that.
I do not recommend. The sex wasn’t worth it.
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
When the sex is to make him feel better and has the opposite effect on you.
Nancy Doughty 2 years ago (edited)
In other words, "voluntary rape". I hope readers of this comment know I in no way support "sex to make him feel better", or "voluntary rape" as I put it. I have personally been in that situation and submitted as a matter of survival because it was better than being alone. Took years to learn that it's better to be alone than abused.
Load More Replies... Johnnynatfan 2 years ago
I was with a very attractive woman for nearly two years who would lie and cheat on me but was great in bed. I stayed a little too long because of that.
#48
Double standards or expecting your partner to do something for you that you’d never do for them
#49
A relationship founded upon chemicals (drugs).
#50
* I didn't say that. * And if I did, I didn't mean it. * And if I did, you deserved it.
Johnnynatfan 2 years ago
I can’t for the life of me get why anyone would want to date him let alone marry him. Hell why would anyone even want to just be near him? He’s the f*****g worst and as an American I sincerely look forward to the day that he dies. That is the only way we are going to be rid of him and his f*****g b******t.
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#53
Mine was being hit with a Doc Martin so many times that I though my arm was broken because I confronted her about her lying about cheating on her ex and then her saying if I left her she’d “beat the f**k” out of herself and tell her uncle that was a cop that I did it.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 2 years ago
Yeah mine beat me whenever she was in the whiskey and threatened me with a knife a couple times.
#54
Crying all the time. Feeling worthless. Feeling scared to say what’s on your mind.
#55
you feel uncomfortable around them
#56
When they are at a restaurant together and both of them are on the phone for the entire diner. And no, I don't mean some cute elderly couples who check their phone for messages from their grandchildren, I mean couples who actively ignore each other and both seem pissed about the fact that they are spending time together.
#57
When the only thing good about the realtionship is the sex. Let's admit it, toxic people are really good in bed for some reason.
Samyan Elrod 2 years ago
Lmao, replying so ppl can see the beauty of the pic
Load More Replies... SkekVi 2 years ago
That's because toxic people are really good at love-bombing and usually turning themselves into a mirror and doing everything you want to the exclusion of their wants--for the moment, because they're love-bombing--is what makes the sex better than with a partner that reasonably has their own wants and so the sex is more equal and more emotional work--again, in the moment. I'm explaining this badly but basically because abusive people use sex to butter you up, it's unrealistically focussed on their victim and so seems good. Best comparison is like... remember how 'perfect' Hans was for Anna in Frozen, and how that was because he was basically purposely making himself what she wanted, but that wasn't really him, because he wanted something from her? It's that. Trust me, the moment they think they don't have to do that anymore and start showing their true colours the sex stops being good.
#59
Not being able to go out with friends or hobbies. Always tied down to the home or the SO and their friends. It's bad juju.
Ray Ceeya (RayCeeYa) 2 years ago
Even worse, I found myself spending more and more time at work to avoid going home.
HangryHangryHippo 2 years ago
I relate to that. Hope you are doing better now ♥️
Load More Replies... #60
When they treat you bad when nobody is watching
#61
My uncle has to call the cops on his wife because their arguments get out of control, and she's constantly accusing him and my mom (her brother) of stuff. He's not allowed to have ANYTHING in her house, has to ask for permission to be in her house, and other ridiculous s**t. But he won't divorce her even though he has plenty of evidence money to f**k her over in court.
KittyGotClaws 2 years ago
I'm not quite following this thread after the first l line. What's the relationship between the uncle and 'my mom (her brother)'?
#62
My close friend and his girlfriend, who I was good friends with too before they started dating, decided to cut me off because his girlfriend took selfies with me at an event. Apparently, they are <<*both*>> worried that she is going to cheat on him with me.
#64
Constant heated verbal fights, using language where there is a clear lack of genuine respect for one another
KittyGotClaws 2 years ago
When i met my second husband i told him one of my deal breakers was name-calling. I wouldn't call him names, and i expected him to extend the same courtesy to me. Call out my behavior if I'm misbehaving, or I'm doing something that you don't like, but no name-calling!
DumYum 2 years ago (edited)
No name calling is a rule of “fair fighting.”
Load More Replies... #65
Not being able to hangout with friends unless your partner can also come along or suffer the consequences later.
#66
Posting every little incident on social media for the world to see, then in love again days later. Rinse and repeat
#67
A lot of ups and downs, extreme emotions involved, fighting but being unable or unwilling to split, trying to control the other person
#68
Trash-talking your partner to your friends.
#69
calling you annoying when you get upset
#71
Name calling and harsh remarks during disagreements.
#74
A shared Facebook account. It just screams insecurity, infidelity, and toxicity.
Johnnynatfan 2 years ago
Facebook is toxic so having a Facebook account wether shared or not is toxic
#75
Having an 'open relationship'.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
No, I have nothing wrong with this if it’s mutual and there are rules everyone follows.
#77
Calling each other babe way too much.Getting multiple vasectomies.Throwing a dundie at the Plasma TV
What do you think ?
Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
You can't quite put your finger on something specific they've said or done, but being around them always leaves you feeling tired, anxious and bad about yourself.
similarly 2 years ago
I used to know this older couple (in their sixties, and this was quite a while ago, maybe 25-30 years ago). The wife would constantly complain not only to friends and family but even acquaintances about how her lazy husband was (who worked 12+ hours/day, btw) and never did anything around the house. Yet, whenever he would try to do any housework, like laundry, dishes, cleaning, she would stand behind him, criticizing him and mocking him ruthlessly ("Who taught you how to do that?" "You missed a spot!" "That's horrible!" "You're so slow, you'll be there all night!") before finally pushing him out of the way and saying "Here, let me do it!" And the poor guy would go shuffling off with his head down apologizing, while she laughed about it and continued on about how worthless and incompetent he was at home ... despite the fact he was a professional with a six-figure salary. I never felt more sorry for a guy than that guy.
Gwyn 2 years ago
Sounds like she had a huge need to feel superior to him and he probably worked 12 hours a day so he wouldn't have to be around her.
Load More Replies...
Rapunzel With The Loced Hair 2 years ago
I have a couple of friends who are dating and I made it clear to one of them (solicited opinion btw) before they started dating that I didn't think they were quite suited for each other because of certain toxic traits I noticed in both that would make it hard to be in a healthy relationship. They started dating and it's been a battle since the end of the first month, she is prideful, narcissistic, never wrong, extremely temperamental, very very high maintenance, childish and a gaslighter and he is controlling, childish, and careless with his words when drunk. They have broken up 3 times in 5 months and keep getting back, the guy asked for my opinion again, and I repeated what I told him before they started dating. After their most recent row, he recommended couple's counseling and they will try it. I have no hope for a forever relationship for them though. It will most likely end in tears.
Andy Frobig 2 years ago
I've spent a lot more time alone than with a SO, and I wish more people would realize that being with someone, no matter who or how bad it is, is not always better than being alone. Most of us have some neurosis or disorder that might attract people who aren't good for us, but nobody's forcing you to be with those people
Ashen Mccann (They/Them) 2 years ago
I know its like a thing in shows, but when someone says "you do that, you get no s*x for 2 weeks" or something, it just makes me think about people needing s*x in a relationship and i its a punishment to not have it, yall should get more close emotionally.
grotesqueer 2 years ago
It's awful anyway, bc it sounds like the one restricting sex doesn't usually even want any but agrees to it regardless. Because otherwise they'd be punishing themselves too by the restriction.
Load More Replies... El is so weird (s)t(he)y 2 years ago (edited)
When there crying about you hanging out with friends and instead of “oh I have to help so and so” or “let me go comfort so and so” it’s “ugh I have to deal with so and so again” bc there toxic and manipulative and you’re there only friend and you don’t even know why and they do this 10 times a day to guilt trip you for having other friends
DC 2 years ago (edited)
Oh my ... I consider myself, currently at least, unfit for a relationship. I could not offer what I assume she'd rightfully expect, and maybe expect more than I can offer myself. Not on purpose, not because I'd think I deserve being given more than I could give, just because there are things I can't. And that makes me think, deceiving someone into a relationship would be a real dikk move, so I won't. But ... the things listed here are a lot worse than what I'd expect out of me, or what I'd think anyone could be expected to endure without any clue about how long. I don't know either ... so ... I never had to offer less friendship to any friend at all, often quite the opposite. I could live with a friend, and we could engage in adult fun, and still I'd refuse to feel as a couple, call ourselves that, or even make plans ahead of that like marriage. Let alone kids - not even a thought ... I had and still have my share of the older generation to support ... I'm not unhappy doing so, but once that is over, I wanna live for myself and my cat and nobody else. Also ... as I feel unfit for a relationship, I also don't want one. How come that people aren't able to ... do that, too? I'm not perfect. I'm pretty fukked up in some ways, pretty decent in others, but is it just that I am able to cook and do household stuff that seperates me from the spouses from hell, who can't do that and just need some kind of maternal caretaker to pamper them? Man, it's not that hard. And if it is hard and stays so, a little handiwork my offer sufficient relief. Not paramount pleasure, but enough to rid you of any horniety, sure is. And, instead of dating women expecting to be a partner, while in reality conducting a casting for your personal pamperer - can't you just learn how to cook or operate a vacuum cleaner? It's not that hard ... boiling some potatoes and frying a handful of vegs, all done from fresh raw ingredients, is more of a decent meal than any instant-premade-expensive excuse of a meal anyway, and also, it does not harm your balls. Mine are still there, they didn't change the least when I learned how to cook. People fearing that should just arrive in the 20th century, or - even better - in the current one. Or ... something.
Paul Mitchell 2 years ago
Realising that you are getting nothing from the relationship at all...
Gwyn 2 years ago (edited)
I have an ex friend whose boyfriend at the time berated her for having an opinion different than his because it meant she didn't respect him. He was religious and used that to say the man should be the authority. I warned her about him but sadly she married him. I still think about her and everything she gave up. He refused to let her do any of the things she dreamed of doing.
DC 2 years ago
... I never understood those people. Whatever you wouldn't accept from a non-sexual friend, why would you from a spouse? I sure wouldn't ... but I wouldn't ask any of that. If I ever ended up with an obedient girlfriend, I'd break up and reevaluate like everything, because that's not how I think this should work, it should generally be a connection of equals to begin with. That not the case, that not to happen. Is that so ... unreasonable? Are people desperate enough to give up THEMSELVES in order to gather a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even marry them, who doesn't deserve any of it, and won't even give in when there is every reason to do so, but expect that the other one always gives in? Any relationship in which one is above the other, should and hopefully will fail, the earlier the better...
Load More Replies... Katie Lutesinger 2 years ago
You can't quite put your finger on something specific they've said or done, but being around them always leaves you feeling tired, anxious and bad about yourself.
similarly 2 years ago
I used to know this older couple (in their sixties, and this was quite a while ago, maybe 25-30 years ago). The wife would constantly complain not only to friends and family but even acquaintances about how her lazy husband was (who worked 12+ hours/day, btw) and never did anything around the house. Yet, whenever he would try to do any housework, like laundry, dishes, cleaning, she would stand behind him, criticizing him and mocking him ruthlessly ("Who taught you how to do that?" "You missed a spot!" "That's horrible!" "You're so slow, you'll be there all night!") before finally pushing him out of the way and saying "Here, let me do it!" And the poor guy would go shuffling off with his head down apologizing, while she laughed about it and continued on about how worthless and incompetent he was at home ... despite the fact he was a professional with a six-figure salary. I never felt more sorry for a guy than that guy.
Gwyn 2 years ago
Sounds like she had a huge need to feel superior to him and he probably worked 12 hours a day so he wouldn't have to be around her.
Load More Replies... Rapunzel With The Loced Hair 2 years ago
I have a couple of friends who are dating and I made it clear to one of them (solicited opinion btw) before they started dating that I didn't think they were quite suited for each other because of certain toxic traits I noticed in both that would make it hard to be in a healthy relationship. They started dating and it's been a battle since the end of the first month, she is prideful, narcissistic, never wrong, extremely temperamental, very very high maintenance, childish and a gaslighter and he is controlling, childish, and careless with his words when drunk. They have broken up 3 times in 5 months and keep getting back, the guy asked for my opinion again, and I repeated what I told him before they started dating. After their most recent row, he recommended couple's counseling and they will try it. I have no hope for a forever relationship for them though. It will most likely end in tears.
Andy Frobig 2 years ago
I've spent a lot more time alone than with a SO, and I wish more people would realize that being with someone, no matter who or how bad it is, is not always better than being alone. Most of us have some neurosis or disorder that might attract people who aren't good for us, but nobody's forcing you to be with those people
Ashen Mccann (They/Them) 2 years ago
I know its like a thing in shows, but when someone says "you do that, you get no s*x for 2 weeks" or something, it just makes me think about people needing s*x in a relationship and i its a punishment to not have it, yall should get more close emotionally.
grotesqueer 2 years ago
It's awful anyway, bc it sounds like the one restricting sex doesn't usually even want any but agrees to it regardless. Because otherwise they'd be punishing themselves too by the restriction.
Load More Replies... El is so weird (s)t(he)y 2 years ago (edited)
When there crying about you hanging out with friends and instead of “oh I have to help so and so” or “let me go comfort so and so” it’s “ugh I have to deal with so and so again” bc there toxic and manipulative and you’re there only friend and you don’t even know why and they do this 10 times a day to guilt trip you for having other friends
DC 2 years ago (edited)
Oh my ... I consider myself, currently at least, unfit for a relationship. I could not offer what I assume she'd rightfully expect, and maybe expect more than I can offer myself. Not on purpose, not because I'd think I deserve being given more than I could give, just because there are things I can't. And that makes me think, deceiving someone into a relationship would be a real dikk move, so I won't. But ... the things listed here are a lot worse than what I'd expect out of me, or what I'd think anyone could be expected to endure without any clue about how long. I don't know either ... so ... I never had to offer less friendship to any friend at all, often quite the opposite. I could live with a friend, and we could engage in adult fun, and still I'd refuse to feel as a couple, call ourselves that, or even make plans ahead of that like marriage. Let alone kids - not even a thought ... I had and still have my share of the older generation to support ... I'm not unhappy doing so, but once that is over, I wanna live for myself and my cat and nobody else. Also ... as I feel unfit for a relationship, I also don't want one. How come that people aren't able to ... do that, too? I'm not perfect. I'm pretty fukked up in some ways, pretty decent in others, but is it just that I am able to cook and do household stuff that seperates me from the spouses from hell, who can't do that and just need some kind of maternal caretaker to pamper them? Man, it's not that hard. And if it is hard and stays so, a little handiwork my offer sufficient relief. Not paramount pleasure, but enough to rid you of any horniety, sure is. And, instead of dating women expecting to be a partner, while in reality conducting a casting for your personal pamperer - can't you just learn how to cook or operate a vacuum cleaner? It's not that hard ... boiling some potatoes and frying a handful of vegs, all done from fresh raw ingredients, is more of a decent meal than any instant-premade-expensive excuse of a meal anyway, and also, it does not harm your balls. Mine are still there, they didn't change the least when I learned how to cook. People fearing that should just arrive in the 20th century, or - even better - in the current one. Or ... something.
Paul Mitchell 2 years ago
Realising that you are getting nothing from the relationship at all...
Gwyn 2 years ago (edited)
I have an ex friend whose boyfriend at the time berated her for having an opinion different than his because it meant she didn't respect him. He was religious and used that to say the man should be the authority. I warned her about him but sadly she married him. I still think about her and everything she gave up. He refused to let her do any of the things she dreamed of doing.
DC 2 years ago
... I never understood those people. Whatever you wouldn't accept from a non-sexual friend, why would you from a spouse? I sure wouldn't ... but I wouldn't ask any of that. If I ever ended up with an obedient girlfriend, I'd break up and reevaluate like everything, because that's not how I think this should work, it should generally be a connection of equals to begin with. That not the case, that not to happen. Is that so ... unreasonable? Are people desperate enough to give up THEMSELVES in order to gather a boyfriend or girlfriend, or even marry them, who doesn't deserve any of it, and won't even give in when there is every reason to do so, but expect that the other one always gives in? Any relationship in which one is above the other, should and hopefully will fail, the earlier the better...
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Justinas Keturka
Jonas Žvilius
Rūta Zumbrickaitė
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