Argue all you want, but deep down inside, we all know that being a mom is the hardest job on the planet. Especially so if you're a mom to a human baby - the most imperfect of all mammal babies with its hairless skin, wicked thermoregulation, gassy tummy, poopy pants, and the inability to run from danger right after birth. See how much harder the task becomes when your baby is basically a helpless egg? Well, helpless but at least a terribly, incredibly, devastatingly adorable, life-changing, heavenly egg. But let's go back to the behemoth task of being a mom. As we've all agreed, it's incredibly hard, right? And what do you do with things in life that are fabulously arduous? You make fun of them, of course! So, to all the moms-to-be, the seasoned moms, and hopeful moms, we present our list of the funniest mom quotes that we could find!
This is a real compendium of mom life troubles - from babies and their sharp nails lovingly scratching your face to blaming your farts on them; no topic is beyond limits in these mommy quotes. However, all of them carry the notion of a mother's love with it, so even the most hilarious jokes are really an expression of this all-encompassing love that a mother feels for her children. So, laugh at them all you want, Mom, without feeling any unease by amusing yourself about your little bundle of trouble!
I guess you're on limited time here, Mom, so without any further ado, let's just skip right to the funny quotes. All of them are just a little bit further down, as they always are. Once you are there, vote for the cute mom quotes that you've enjoyed the most, but be sure to laugh quickly so as not to wake your sleeping angel! Also, don't forget to share these silly quotes with your friends, as they might need some comic relief from their duties, too.
This post may include affiliate links.
"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you." - Nora Ephron
"Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is just suspicious."
"It's not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it." - Betty White
Fathers are important too. I've seen a lot of single fathers who doing a great Job.
“You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid that acts just like you.”
"Stepping on a LEGO land mine at 4:30 a.m. while holding a baby and not falling should be an Olympic sport."
"It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of food that my kid didn't finish…" - Carrie Underwood
“Bedtime is the leading cause of dehydration in children.”
"You know your life has changed when... going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation."
Yeah it can be nice sometimes I'm the oldest I long for a day where it would be just me and my mom. I've been longing for this for about 12 years now.
"My housekeeping style is best described as, 'There appears to have been a struggle.'"
Still is (only she’s 33 now and doesn’t live at home)!! Takes YEARS to undo that kind of training👶🏻👧🏻🧒🏻♥️♥️♥️
“A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” - Tenneva Jordan
Or cutting the little ones in half because she knows if she gives them a whole peice they're gonna go nuts
"I hate it when I'm waiting for mom to cook dinner, then I remember that I am the mom."
“Every time I say "no" my kids hear, "ask again, she didn't understand the question.”
My kids try to do that and i always interrupt by asking "what part of 'no' did you fail to comprehend?"
"The best way to get your children’s attention is to relax and look comfortable."
They do have this capacity to identify the minute -no, the second- you lay down to take a breath, I mean a slow deep relaxing breath
"If at first, you don't succeed, try doing it the way your mom told you to do it from the start."
"The true test of patience is watching your child try to zip their coat themselves when you are running late."
"Friend: Are you getting enough sleep? Me: Sometimes when I sneeze, my eyes close."
"I always say if you aren't yelling at your kids, you're not spending enough time with them." - Reese Witherspoon
Now see… a woman after my own heart. I know my toddler needs a hearing aid.
"Today's goal: keep the tiny humans alive."
"Child: "Mom, I'm scared there's a monster under my bed." Mom: "If there is a monster under your bed, please tell him to read you stories and get you drinks, it's about time he earned his keep."
Yeah I'm pretty tired if doing all the work around here thanks mister monster
"Some days, I amaze myself. Other days, I put the laundry in the refrigerator."
Yeah my dad said Hannah can you find me a can opener I said here dad he said Hannah I asked for a can opener not a potato peeler... I said I know that then I looked back at him holding the potato peeler. I was like I'm never being a parent being a sister is exhausting.
"English is my mom's second language, so instead of saying "It's my way or the highway" my mom says "My way is the highway."
“I slept in until 7:30 am this morning. The sink is clogged, the dog has a purple stripe down his back, and the chocolate cake is gone. So worth it.”
"Have you ever just ignored your children when they said, "Mom," just to see how far they will go? So far we've made it to 256."
"I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon."
"I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children."
"Dear mom, thank you for keeping all the bad stuff I did from dad."
“There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” - Jill Churchill
"You wrestled a bear? Cool. I removed a splinter from a two year-old's finger. I think we're even."
So true little tip numb their finger with ice/ice pack before hand it really works
"Having a second child is like riding a bike... except the bike has no brakes, it is speeding down a hill, and the tires are on fire."
"I'm unsure when my going to the bathroom turned into a family meeting, but I should definitely contact HR. Oh wait, that's me."
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children." - Sam Levenson
"Why don't kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?" - Alyson Hannigan
"Two year-old referred to her coat pockets as "snack holes" and this is what I shall forever call them." - Rebecca Caprara
You should check the bottom of those (snack holes) you don't know what you'll find.
"If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says keep away from children." - Susan Savannah
I don't know why mother's don't use that as an excuse when dad comes around the corner asking what are u doin?
"Nothing pairs better with a long soak, candles, and wine than a four year-old pressed against the bathroom door repeating the phrase, "Mom, are you in there!"
Taking a bath right now and listening to my children yelling at each other.
“Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.”
"When your mom’s voice is so loud, even your neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed."
Yup. I yelled at my youngest to stop her crap, out in public and the guy behind us in his 70s went from chatting to carefully placing his groceries in order of bagging on the belt and put his head down and whispered yes mam. 💁♀️🤦♀️😖
“I’ve been married 14 years and I have three kids. Obviously I breed well in captivity.” - Roseanne Barr
"A mom only truly understands the meaning of rage when your child walks past everyone else in the house to find you in the bathroom to open their juice box."
Or, when your child wakes you up at 3 in the morning to tell you he would like to have spaghetti for dinner today.
"No one told me I would be coming home in diapers, too." - Chrissy Teigen
They just try to make it sexy by making them fishnet stockings cut up.....
“My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'” - Paula Poundstone
"My sister said once: 'Anything I don't want Mother to know, I don't even think of, if she's in the room.'" - Agatha Christie
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we've set aside enough money to pay for our kids' therapy.” - Michelle Pfeiffer
"Kids humble us. The other day on a flight home Olympia insisted on running up and down the aisle, and when I finally got her to sit still, she threw up all over me." - Serena Williams
"Stop saying 'we're pregnant.' You're not pregnant. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady hole? No." - Mila Kunis
I personally wouldn't mind, my husband is the empathetic pain, puke, and other types of aches type of human... If he literally gets ill when "we're menstruating" (I have endometriosis, it's hell), we might as well be pregnant together 🤣🤣🤣🤣
"I never thought in my life I would have to yell more than once, "Don't lick that." But I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was."
"Twelve years later the memories of those nights, of that sleep deprivation, still make me rock back and forth a little bit. You want to torture someone? Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn't sleep." - Shonda Rhimes
"After we got home from the hospital, I didn’t shower for a week, and then John and I were like, 'Let’s go out for dinner.’ I could last only about an hour because my boobs were exploding. When the milk first comes in, it’s like a tsunami. But we went, just to prove to ourselves that we could feel normal for a second." - Emily Blunt
Here's a helpful tip if you can pump out milk before you leave and then while you're out wear breast feeding pads.
“My kids are never better friends than when it's 30 minutes past bedtime and they won't stop giggling.”
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” - Calvin Trillin
"I've conquered a lot of things ... blood clots in my lungs — twice ... knee and foot surgeries ... winning Grand Slams being down match point ... to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller!" - Serena Williams
“I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can't find me until after high school."
"If there is a tooth fairy, it only seems fair that there should be a wine fairy and a laundry fairy. Kids shouldn't get all the magic."
"You know you're a mom when you stop daydreaming about a million dollars and start daydreaming about how amazing it would be to go to the bathroom alone."
Well, you don't *stop* daydreaming about a million dollars, you just start planning how you'd get a designated "let me poo in peace"-nanny and a household help first.
"When you become a mother of toddlers, your biggest fear suddenly becomes running out of cheese sticks and chicken nuggets."
"It’s the best acting of my life right here, the well-rested woman. It’s my finest role." - Kerry Washington
Always behaving as though one has their whits about them, well rested, filled with patience, endless patience, soft spoken, endless tenderness, and all smiles and gentleness til they are asleep..then tears 😭 I failed as a mother. I failed. Jordan, Corban, Paul Cooper - I am sorry that I failed so miserably to protect you from my own mother, your fathers, and their mothers and fathers. I am so filled with regret for not having run off with you to save you from their abuse. I am sorry. 😞
"Woke up to two toddlers and a kitchen covered in flour. But I slept until 7 a.m. so we are going to call that a win."
“My mother, she is beautiful, softened at the edges, and tempered with a spine of steel. I want to grow old and be like her.” - Jodi Picoult
“I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.” - Calvin
"Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I'm looking forward to investigating in the future." - Amy Poehler
"Motherhood: feeding them as a baby and then through most of their twenties."
"When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." - Erma Bombeck
"I've learned that it's way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven't thrown up since the '90s and she's thrown up twice since we started this interview." - Eva Mendes
"Meditation is my thing. But I’m not going to lie: sometimes I go into my closet and lock the door so no one can find me." - Gwen Stefani
"I didn't full wrap my head around the fact that there would be a person at the end of it. I read endlessly about pregnancy and what to eat and what not to eat. And then I sort of prepared not at all for the actual baby." - Ellie Kemper
The moment you realize just how unprepared you are: Either when your water breaks or that first contraction.
“Motherhood is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.” - Barbara Walters
Yeah.. A dog is basically a 3/4 year old that just HAS TO listen.. So much easier..
"A mother is the person you can always call to see how long chicken lasts in the fridge."
“How do I explain [my mom]? She is as respected as Mother Theresa, as powerful as Stalin, and as beautiful as Margaret Thatcher.” - Leslie Knope
“My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
We didn't even have those 2 options. Ours were"hot or cold."
"You never know when you're gonna get crapped on or when you're gonna get a big smile or when that smile immediately turns into hysterics. It might be like living with a drug addict." - Blake Lively
"You can have eight hours of sleep, or you can have children. You cannot, in fact, have both."
"Ah, babies! They're more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts." - Tina Fey
According to Ma, she never faahhted day in her life💨!! (That’s a New England faaht)
"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children; obstetrically once and by car forever after." - Peter De Vries
"A mother need only step into the shower to be instantly reassured she is indispensable to every member of her family." - Lynne Williams
"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease." - Lisa Alther
"Motherhood is basically finding activities for children in three-hour pockets of time for the rest of your life." - Mindy Kaling
My mother just opened the front door in the morning and said "dinner is at 3". Normally we all went down to the creek in the woods and built tree houses, afternoons we played soccer, basketball and street hockey and in the eavnings we went over to one of the guys we had been playing with and played Nintendo. Then I came home. My mother never had to find any activities for me or my siblings, we found our own activities... As did all the other children. Imagine having to play on schedual as a child, what a tragic existence. So glad I'm not American.
“Having kids is just like college. You’re up all night, there is lots of puking, and you’re perpetually broke.”
"If you enjoy a clean home, relaxing weekends, and long romantic meals, then parenthood isn't for you."
"One of the simple pleasures of parenting is locking yourself in the bathroom with a handful of your children's Halloween candy."
"The first five years of parenthood is like a 2 a.m. game of Twister in your bed. And you are always the loser."
"That brown stain on your fingers could be chocolate, but it's also just as likely not to be. Better not risk it."
I never understood how everyone seems to be getting sh*t all over themselves and the flat without noticing. When I change my twins' diapers, I wipe them and my hands and whatever might have had contact with their droppings. When they went on their potties, it's the same. I only ever had to wipe something that wasn't usually wiped when they once inexplicably got into the diaper bin while I was taking a shower, and they shared their full diapers like Nutella sandwiches... But even then, I cleaned everything, I'm very sure.
“Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.”
“My mother is a walking miracle.” - Leonardo DiCaprio
"Every day when you're raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream 'This is ridiculous!' because there's so much nonsense, whether it's what they're saying to you or the fact that there's avocado or poop on every surface." - Kristen Bell
"Who knew you could ruin a child's day simply by serving milk in the wrong colored cup?"
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” - Erma Bombeck.
“Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mum taught me.” - Lady Gaga
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” - Phyllis Diller
“If I wasn't at work, I just wanted to stay home and party with my little man — and by 'party' I mean, of course, endless rounds of 'Itsy Bitsy Spider.” - Olivia Wilde
"A sweater is a garment worn by a child when the mother feels chilly." - Barbara Johnson
"Do you know how once you have kids you never ever pee by yourself again? At least one of them is always in there with you at all times." - Jennifer Garner
Mine now insist on privacy but still see no issue walking in when I'm using the bathroom
"Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty." - Julia Roberts
After training two kids i just placed the potty in the centre of the room.. My third just sat there.. Tablet in hands.. No more wet pants or struggle.. Worked like a charm :)
"I don't think so mommy!" is what my child said after, "Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?" - Anna Faris
That would be the time i alter my question to "pick up your mess or you're never getting popcorn again." Works every time lol
“Everyone's at different ages and levels, everyone's into different stuff. But everyone is into slime.” - Maya Rudolph
"Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse." - Nia Vardalos
"Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was." - Jenny McCarthy
"A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative than a human baby, OK? Because the toy will at least tell you when it poos." - Ali Wong
"I used to give my friends who have kids advice all the time, and they would look at me like I had three heads. And then, when I had two, I literally apologized to all my friends." - Jennifer Lopez
"Some days the only way you stand a chance at surviving is to serve all-beige food, turn on YouTube and let the kids hang out pantsless."
"90 percent of parenting is passing out snacks and counting down the minutes until nap time."
"If you stare longingly at your bathtub more than you do at your partner, you might be a mom."
"Have you ever noticed that the camaraderie between siblings is never greater than when the word "bedtime" is uttered? They seemingly in unison become dehydrated, giggle monsters scared of absolutely nothing."
Bedtime is the perfect time to hydrate little ones. Keep a few bottles within reach of their bed to help them hydrate all night long. Just take them to the toilet at 11pm and they're good til dawn. Be kind. There is no need to make them suffer.
“Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first.” - Mignon McLaughlin.
"Sometimes I stand there going, 'I'm not doing any of this right!' And then I get this big man belch out of her and I go, 'Ah, we accomplished this together.'"
“I can’t believe how much like my mother I turned out. I feel sorry for my kids.” - Melanie White
"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours." - Rita Rudner
My first was in labor for 4 hours, the delivery itself took about 20 minutes. It's all VERY different from situation to situation but I think 36 hours is a rather extreme case, just like 4 hours is a very extreme in the other end of the spectrum. Making a judgment based on someone else's pregnancy or deliver is pointless, there is literally nothing saying it will be the same or even similar for you.
"Telling your kids you will see them in the morning is the greatest lie ever told. You will see them ten more times within the next hour and probably twenty more times before the sun rises."
"I met my match. She is very demanding, like, I can’t believe I have a boss. When my baby wanna eat, she wanna eat. It’s not like, “Oh three minutes?” No. Give me the milk now." - Cardi B
“If you don’t know about ‘Baby Shark’ or ‘Let it Go,’ you need to turn in your parent card."
"Dreams of a mother include: seeing your child graduate, witnessing your kid find true love, and someday finishing a meal without having to get up and retrieve more ketchup."
I don't have that problem. Ketchup is banned in my house. Thr ONLY thing ketchup is acceptable on are hot dogs and fries. Two things that are also banned in the house. At the burger joint or at the football game, it's fine. But we don't eat that at home, hence no need for ketchup.
"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires." - Dorothy Parker
"Are you even a mother if you don't yell, "Get in the car!" twenty times each morning?"
"Parenting tip: maybe don't leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room." - Rachel Dratch
Legos will work better to remind them to turn on the lights and wear shoes.
“Sometimes I stand there going, 'I'm not doing any of this right!' And then I get this big man belch of her and I go, 'Ah, we accomplished this together.'” - Christina Applegate
“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.” - Oprah Winfrey
Said the woman who isn't a mother. Stfu Oprah, stick to what you actually KNOW.
"[Having four kids is] endless stuff. It's endless entertainment, it's endless stress, endless responsibility. Everyone's at different ages and levels, everyone's into different stuff. But everyone is into slime."
