If you've read any Bible teachings, you'll know that Old Testament God is a major asshole. Petty, vain, vindictive, and genocidally violent, he gleefully wrought havoc on his creations before his son eventually showed up with more merciful corrections of God's plans.
So what was up with his creation story in those days, when he was busy making the complex wonders of the world that he would go on to torture sadistically? This collection of tongue-in-cheek religious jokes, collected by us here at Bored Panda, hilariously imagines God's creation strategies as he came up with the animals, the sun, the planets and yes, even those little hell-raisers that he created in his own, twisted image: us. Scroll down below to check the best tweets we've found out for yourself, and don't forget to vote for your 'God creating animals' favorites! (Facebook cover image: Charlie Day)
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he could have kept the part that they die once their needle on its butts comes off...
GOD: "And for $20 more, I´ll not freeze your a*s off to extinction down the line..." MAMMOTH: "Those were my last $20, I don´t have any money left..." GOD: "Though luck, buddy"
“Make the bottom of its toes cute beans. And give it tiny daggers on its toes.”
"I want it to have the casual confidence of a creature that thinks it owns everything there ever was"
And has the attitude and skills of an apex predator while being smaller than a breadbox!
They sure do. My cat acts like some minimalist interior designer sometimes.
...and loves to run infront of moving cars... at.the.last.f*****g.moment.....
Oh no, t'tother way around. Cats are the gods. And don't they know it!
At least they end up cleaning the rest of themselves too. Dogs only lick their butts and nothing else.
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God: Make them furry and adorable, with cute eyes and toes. Angels: That's nice! God: And give paws with razors and a bipolar personality...
I'm missing something here (as a just mere human) ahhh yes, got it.... furrballs.
G: Give it the perpetual muscle structure of Dwayne The Rock Johnson - A: Who's Dway- - G: Something I've been working on
God: no spoilers gecko! that hasn't happened yet! your time will come!
and also you only live about 13 years because your body grows old faster than humans
There was a study in Brazil, comparing a public bathroom door (not those chemical stalls), a supermarket cart handle and a money bill. I don't remember the exact "winner", just know that bathroom was the less dirty and I think the cart handle was the dirtiest...
angels: but aren't those poisonous! God: also make some of them transparent !!!
"What if one of those f****d a saber tooth tiger" Did BoredPanda forget to censor?
Great one :D And laso makes you think how many different animals are there and how each is special ^^
That remembers me to "wtf, evolution?" on tumblr, but instead of god it's the evolution who creates weird animals. (Search for it, it's really funny!)
The more you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, the more you realize Yahweh/Adonai/Jehovah is a d*ck. Think of all the innocent animals - including lambs, cubs, calves, foals, kittens, puppies, chicks, etc. - as well as children and pregnant women who died in Noah's flood. Then there are the animal sacrifices described in Leviticus. Anybody who tried that stuff would never hear the end of it from PETA! And so on, and so on, and so on.
Not to mention the fact that the bible condones slavery.
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Can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you :D
Ohhh okay. Makes sense. And now, like a melting snowflake, they are following you around openly weeping. Lol. Conservatives have zero self awareness.
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Lol I spit my coffee all over the sofa reading this. Thanks BP. You've been slipping but this makes up for it.
You can joke about satan all you want but when you tread on God's creative hand tread lightly my friend tread lightly.
My God is not the same god you speak of. the one I know is full of kindness to me. never forget that.
Can't get past the comment referring to God as an a*****e . Not funny or cute. Or witty. Incredibly beyond disrespectful.
God: The sea floor is a mess with all the dead carcasses. Angel: Lets make giant water bugs that eat the dead stuff. *later* Angel: Um the humans are eating the clean up bugs. God: Well if they like them so much make a land version only smaller of and just for Sh*ts and giggles add big stinger on its butt! Angel: LOL I like it!
For the Ocean one: This only works if the assumption is that humans are the most important creatures, we are far from it. Billions of species call the ocean home and would die if not for it's salinity. We are not important and there would be plenty of water for our needs if not for greed, selfishness, and total disregard for the gift of the Earth. If anything, the Earth would be so much better without us.
I wonder if God gets a little pissed off when folks show up in heaven after having undergone massive plastic surgeries while here on this lovely planet. Unrecognizable faces and bodies that since the Bible says we were made in his image, causing some people to wonder if their face was a result of a bad night out with the boys or a really bad drug induced burst of creativity gone bad.
I really screwed up my point. I just don't think God will be too happy if he has to figure out who the hell the person he just happened to bump is. Boobs that defy the laws of nature, logic and good old common sense. So that got me thinking about having to report to Hell for Community Service, putting on a lovely fluorescent orange vest, cleaning up heaven and being dumped off at the gates of Hell's Employee Entrance, checking in our vests and trash picker upper thing-a-ma-doohickey and finding a way to harness all that heat into a nice sauna or sweat lodge.
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Quintessential blasphemy. Bored Panda: Is nothing sacred ? Then I DARE YOU to print something like this about another religious icon -- you know who -- or are you worried about beheading ? Cowards.
@Phillip: This post is not about "God"! This post is about funny viewpoints of animals. It's not even about any actual religion's view of a God, so it can't be disrespectful to that God. To say that this is blasphemy is like saying playing Angry Birds is cruelty to animals.
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If that offends you, just wait until you read the Bible. Whoever wrote that s**t is sick.
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The story / book describes him that way though. ?
Load More Replies... Great one :D And laso makes you think how many different animals are there and how each is special ^^
That remembers me to "wtf, evolution?" on tumblr, but instead of god it's the evolution who creates weird animals. (Search for it, it's really funny!)
The more you read the Bible, especially the Old Testament, the more you realize Yahweh/Adonai/Jehovah is a d*ck. Think of all the innocent animals - including lambs, cubs, calves, foals, kittens, puppies, chicks, etc. - as well as children and pregnant women who died in Noah's flood. Then there are the animal sacrifices described in Leviticus. Anybody who tried that stuff would never hear the end of it from PETA! And so on, and so on, and so on.
Not to mention the fact that the bible condones slavery.
Load More Replies... Can't remember the last time I laughed so hard!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you :D
Ohhh okay. Makes sense. And now, like a melting snowflake, they are following you around openly weeping. Lol. Conservatives have zero self awareness.
Load More Replies... Lol I spit my coffee all over the sofa reading this. Thanks BP. You've been slipping but this makes up for it.
You can joke about satan all you want but when you tread on God's creative hand tread lightly my friend tread lightly.
My God is not the same god you speak of. the one I know is full of kindness to me. never forget that.
Can't get past the comment referring to God as an a*****e . Not funny or cute. Or witty. Incredibly beyond disrespectful.
God: The sea floor is a mess with all the dead carcasses. Angel: Lets make giant water bugs that eat the dead stuff. *later* Angel: Um the humans are eating the clean up bugs. God: Well if they like them so much make a land version only smaller of and just for Sh*ts and giggles add big stinger on its butt! Angel: LOL I like it!
For the Ocean one: This only works if the assumption is that humans are the most important creatures, we are far from it. Billions of species call the ocean home and would die if not for it's salinity. We are not important and there would be plenty of water for our needs if not for greed, selfishness, and total disregard for the gift of the Earth. If anything, the Earth would be so much better without us.
I wonder if God gets a little pissed off when folks show up in heaven after having undergone massive plastic surgeries while here on this lovely planet. Unrecognizable faces and bodies that since the Bible says we were made in his image, causing some people to wonder if their face was a result of a bad night out with the boys or a really bad drug induced burst of creativity gone bad.
I really screwed up my point. I just don't think God will be too happy if he has to figure out who the hell the person he just happened to bump is. Boobs that defy the laws of nature, logic and good old common sense. So that got me thinking about having to report to Hell for Community Service, putting on a lovely fluorescent orange vest, cleaning up heaven and being dumped off at the gates of Hell's Employee Entrance, checking in our vests and trash picker upper thing-a-ma-doohickey and finding a way to harness all that heat into a nice sauna or sweat lodge.
Load More Replies... Quintessential blasphemy. Bored Panda: Is nothing sacred ? Then I DARE YOU to print something like this about another religious icon -- you know who -- or are you worried about beheading ? Cowards.
@Phillip: This post is not about "God"! This post is about funny viewpoints of animals. It's not even about any actual religion's view of a God, so it can't be disrespectful to that God. To say that this is blasphemy is like saying playing Angry Birds is cruelty to animals.
Load More Replies... If that offends you, just wait until you read the Bible. Whoever wrote that s**t is sick.
Load More Replies... The story / book describes him that way though. ?
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