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The job market is a wild, wild world. On one side, you can see people trying their hardest to look polished and professional, the very best version of themselves, to impress the HR staff. On the other side, you see these misfits who exude chaotic energy and think irony and brutal honesty will get them the job, even at the cost of sounding ridiculous. And guess what? Sometimes that works!
Some people, though, really go all out to make an impression with a funny resume that has hiring managers in stitches. From putting “being sober” as an achievement to having “donating blood” as a hobby, some resume quotes are so outrageous they’re actually good. And that’s exactly what we’re gonna get you in today! We scoured the web to find the funniest CV quotes ever.
Call them resume fails, but these job applications are still a riot. And even if they didn’t get these people the jobs they were looking for, these job resumes certainly got the web’s attention for how stupidly funny they are. Scroll down below to see how these applicants took job-seeking to another level with their sense of humor!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
KEY SKILLS – “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”
RELATED:
#2
SKILLS – “Speak English and Spinach.”
N Miller 3 years ago
Hey! Spinach is one of the hardest second languages to learn! If you're not careful you end up with a squint and a preference for a little pipe...
Draco's Dragonfly 3 years ago
Not to forget a fondness for olives and incredible strength ;)
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Nathaniel 3 years ago
I can speak 4 languages. My native English, German, French and Italian. Watching Allo Allo in the Eighties was a doddle for me.
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
I can speak native Portuguese, Spanish, Cilantro, French, English, and Relish. I can also read Italian and Thousand Island.
Load More Replies... #3
EXPERIENCE - “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
#4
KEY SKILLS - “Quick learner, good at mats and speling.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
Tbf, mats & speling's sounds like a dope a*s witchy bookstore or hipster inn travern.
#5
SKILLS – “I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”
#6
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY JOB - "Maturity leave.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
Fair. Maybe they had somethings they had to grow through. If you judge them for this, then you need to go on leave too.
#7
WORK EXPERIENCE - “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people.”
Plastic Leaf (They/Them) 3 years ago
Calling someone a "vegetable" is a thing it means "a person who has permanently lost consciousness, due to damage to the brain, but remains alive; sometimes continued life requires support by machinery such as breathing tubes. Such a person is said to be in a vegetative state."
Kat Pekin 3 years ago
"such a person is said to be in a vegetative state" - exactly. not a vegetable person.
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Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
Dunno. Furries are real. I feel like vegetable people could become a thing. 2023 Bingo card 'VEGGIES'
#8
GAP IN CV – “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
I think it is. Loads say you must explain gaps in CV when the truth is most of the time you were unemployed and looking for work
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Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
I once had a potential employer ask me rather overly forcefully why I had a gap of 1.5 years in my C.V. When I told him I'd had to take the time off to look after my terminally ill Mother who had a brain tumour, he was very dismissive and unsympathetic ; it ended badly for him as I punched him, gave him both barrels verbally, stormed out, found out where the managing director was in the building, went to see him - a tad inconvenient as I barged into a meeting he was having, and confronted him about his arsehole of a line manager's attitude and told him in no uncertain terms that if his companies attitude was that callous, frankly I'd shout it from the rooftops - I was fcking livid !!! To be fair to him, he listened and after hearing my (very long) complaint, asked me if I'd be ok to leave and that he'd be back in touch within a week with the results of an internal enquiry. He did come back to me and offered me a job - which I declined as the hours didn't suit. The manager was sacked.
#9
ACHIEVEMENTS – “Being sober.”
Hono Klatuu 3 years ago
For people that struggled with addiction in the the past being sober is a major achievement. It took lots of self-control, hard work and dedication. Good qualities for a job
Robert B 3 years ago
I’m one. 6.5 years. Hard does not even begin to describe it.
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#10
JOB HISTORY – “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
In this day and age, that is believable. It doesn't say how long they were there or how old this person is. This could be someone who did 2 to 5, even more years at 4 different places. Yall know how management be.
Robert B 3 years ago
Usually, yes. But people often get promoted to the point where they can’t function and are then left there. Given that critical self-awareness seems in short supply you end up with unreasonable management and policies.
Load More Replies... #11
COVER LETTER – “Dear Sir/Modem.”
RafCo (he/him) 3 years ago
Considering most CVs are vetted by AIs, probably not a bad greeting.
Load More Replies... #12
ACHIEVEMENTS – “I came first in the school long-distance race.”
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
One of my main achievements throughout my career as a very high end professional Chef is not punching or stabbing many, many of the owners and managers of the businesses I've worked with over 35+ years. Thankfully, major health issues forced me to quit whilst I was ahead and before I got to the point that I did something reckless. I am now counting down to retirement in 2 years in a job that needs me to leave my brain at the door, work 7.5 hours and pick it up when I leave at 2pm. It's boring but rather wonderful.
#13
HOBBIES – “Horse riding, like going pub when haven't got my kids. Looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they ain't at school.”
#14
EDUCATION – “University: August 1890 to May 1993.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
Sit down, UCO. -> UCO was founded in 1890 as the Territorial Normal School.
#15
EXPERIENCE - “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
I feel like this needs more context. Without it reads as if the person is entitled. But if you have a computer dad, then you (unwinllingly) spent your time learning everything about a computer, and even doing the blind keyboard typing test. -Child of a Computer Programmer Dad.
Trophy Husband 3 years ago
Many entry level jobs aimed at teenagers ask for 15 years of computer experience or some similarly ludicrous thing. I once saw a post by someone who had created a programming language, showing a job posting that required 10 years of experience in that language. He pointed out that he's not qualified because he created it only 6 years ago...
Load More Replies... Headless Roach 3 years ago
Years back I interviewed a guy for an IT position. From the cv I couldn't figure out what his skills were, so started with the basics - I asked if he knew what telnet was (a network protocol, but it's irrelevant, because) he replied "Yes! That's that thing with Star Wars!". To this day I regret I didn't ask for more info, it could have been a fascinating story.
#16
HOBBIES – “Space Travel.”
#17
SKILLS – “I have technical skills that will simply take your breath away.”
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
Suffocation ? Strangulation ? Applying poison gas ? The list goes on .... ;0)))
Load More Replies... #18
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Night stalker in Tesco.”
CelticElff 3 years ago
Spelling matters, kids. Stocker, as in someone who puts the stock on the shelves.
#19
CURRENT SALARY – “£28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.”
Trophy Husband 3 years ago (edited)
When I'm asked to put a salary before I even talk to someone, I try to put $0. If that falls, I just got 9 until the field fills up. I would like $999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999,999 per year please. It's disgusting that they would ask that on at an application.
#20
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I’m a lean, mean, marketing machine.”
#21
ACHIEVEMENTS - “Nominated for prom queen.”
#22
SKILLS – “I am a rapid typist.”
#23
COVER LETTER – “I’m submitting the attached copy of my CV for your consumption.”
Headless Roach 3 years ago
I once had an opening and a guy applied attaching a cv with a map, depicting where his home was and where my company was. With arrows. Full A4 page.
#24
DESIRED POSITION – “Profreader.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago (edited)
"Profreader" is slang for "Professor of Reading & Language Arts." Pronounced: Prahfeeder.
#25
KEY SKILLS – “Grate communication skills.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
This could mean that their voice is "grating on the ears." Don't be surprised if I told ya so.
BBsparkster614 3 years ago
Then their communication skills need work for sure
Load More Replies... #26
OBJECTIVE - “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
I think this is either a certain Trumpsters or the idiot Johnsons CV. Maybe Putain's ?
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
Think Deathstar style but nicer with benefits inc. dental. One site housing, great for families, all inc. utlities. Glorious views. Free latest tech wear. Pay + commission/incentives. Clean environment. Free transportation. Eco-friendly. Indoor Gardens. Onsite Gym. Local School system. Top Education all of Galaxy. Free. World class meals provided by professional chefs. All food is organic. Farmed locally. Supports local businesses, mom n pop shops, and farms. All natural personal products. Health technicians onsite to help support you and your personal diet. Housekeeping. Indoor parks & animal communities. Robotics. 24/7 Laser tag game. Year round. Mental health professionals onsite 24/7. Ect.ect...We all must work together.
#27
HOBBIES - “Mushroom hunting.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
S.O to all our g's who died to make this safe and possible for us. Ifykyk.
#28
APPLICATION - “On the line that asked what “sex” he was, he wrote “occassionally”.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
im just a simple blob, but every now and then I spice it by becoming a human sex.
#29
COVER LETTER – “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
Ah hey, 14 jobs is nothing !! Over my 45 + years in employment, I have had over 120 jobs over about 30 job titles in different industry / service sectors. Most times doing what I want to do, other times doing what I need to do to make enough to pay the rent and get by, sometimes earning a shed load of money, other times just about earning enough to eat and put fuel in the car whilst living in it !! Nothing wrong with changing jobs.
Dani Pret 3 years ago
You sound really interesting. Did you choose to leave the jobs?
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Reviewer UK01 3 years ago
Husband has had this issue living in a town with high deprivation and low security, employers went bust, moved out of town, made massive layoffs, got bought out , bomb damage, intimidated out of the area, etc. He didn't quit any jobs but still had loads of them.
#30
EXPERIENCE - “Stalking, shipping & receiving.”
#31
SALARY REQUIREMENTS - “The higher the better.”
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago (edited)
They said what they said. And most importantly, what I need to say.
#33
JOB HISTORY – “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse.”
#34
MARITAL STATUS:– “Celibate.”
#35
SKILLS – “I can type without looking at the keyboard.”
#36
COVER LETTER – “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated.”
#37
REASON FOR LEAVING – “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
#38
HOBBIES – “Running, editing video, cooking, writing, and wondering.”
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
Always put one in that when they ask the question, you know they have actually read your C.V. several of my favourites over the years have been ' Chinchilla racing' Wellie wanging' (it's a real thing here in the UK, look it up), Gurning (as before, look it up), forward abseiling (which BTW is terrifying) and crotch looming - I actually had an HR lady giggling so much that she had to go to the loo ; I suspect she'd had a quiet life.
#39
REASON FOR LEAVING – “Responsibility makes me nervous.”
#40
INTERESTS - “Gossiping.”
#41
EDUCATION - “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”
#42
SKILLS – From an IT Engineer, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
#43
HOBBIES – “Painting my toenails in varying colors.”
#44
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing, and executing final candidates.”
#45
EMAIL ADDRESS – "homeboy@……"
Miku Jackobs 3 years ago
homeboy@hotmail.eu sounds like he does sexy and disgusting things with mail.
#46
KEY SKILLS – “Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves. Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes.”
#47
KEY SKILLS – “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”
Bored&InSchool 3 years ago
nitrotype is fun. he should try it if he wants to get faster. #kindaunrelatedlol
#48
COVER LETTER – “I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”
#49
JOB TITLE – “Ass. Manager.” (Possibly meant assistant manager? At least I hope so).
#50
COVER LETTER – "Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
#51
HOBBIES - “Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar, and smoking pot.”
#53
OBJECTIVE - “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
#54
QUALIFICATIONS - “Twin sister has an accounting degree.”
#55
OBJECTIVE - “Student today. Vice president tomorrow.”
#56
OBJECTIVE - “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.”
Trophy Husband 3 years ago
I only get one money at my job. I think my boss gets 2 moneys. To get 3 moneys, you need to run the company!
#57
AWARDS - “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”
#59
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I will be no stranger to double-entry. I love numbers, and my wife and I love journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I put my mind to it. Computer literate.”
Hugh Cookson 3 years ago
If she's an accountant she won't ever understand or enjoy single entry .... duh.
Load More Replies... #60
KEY SKILLS – “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”
#61
KEY SKILLS: “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”
Lisa Delgado 1 year ago
I can understand this one. I used to work for a German company and they used "hardly" this way. It means they are a hard working person.
#62
HOBBIES – “Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.”
#63
KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Oversight of entire department.”
#64
WORK EXPERIENCE – “I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer.”
#65
QUALIFICATIONS – “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
#66
COVER LETTER – “I have guts, drive, ambition, and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
#67
COVERING LETTER – “Looking for a party-time position.”
#69
COVER SKILLS – “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
#70
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Please note from my CV I have 6 years of buying, negotiating, and sock-control experience.”
#71
OTHER INTERESTS - “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
#73
APPLICATION - "How large was the department you worked in with your last company?" “A: 3 stories.”
#74
COVERING LETTER – “This is my CV I am interested in any job opening use have available if u could please send a verification that you received the email”
Wondering Alice 3 years ago
Any one else think this is someone on job seekers allowance who does not want a job but needs proof they are looking.
#75
SKILLS – “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”
#76
SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5.″
#77
HOBBIES – “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people.”
#78
EDUCATION – “I am about to enroll in a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
#79
HOBBIES - “Donating blood – 12 liters so far.”
#80
KEY SKILLS – “Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.”
#81
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Child care provider, organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.”
#82
KEY SKILLS – “I am a tiger when needed, but otherwise a pussycat.”
#84
KEY SKILLS – “I am a great team player I am.”
#85
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
#86
WORK EXPERIENCE - “Service for the old man to check they are still alive or not.”
#87
SALARY DESIRED - “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
#89
STRENGTHS – “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
#90
COVERING LETTER – “I am extremely loyal to my current employer….Feel free to ring my office if you are interested in my CV.”
#91
KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
#93
KEY SKILLS – “I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and loyal as a puppy.”
#94
EMAIL ADDRESS – "dumbblonde@……."
#95
ACHIEVEMENTS – “Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”
#96
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
#97
REASON FOR LEAVING – “I didn't give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”
#98
KEY SKILLS – “Very experienced with out-house computers.”
#99
REASON FOR LEAVING – “Company insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
#100
KEY SKILLS – “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”
#101
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Worked in an office where I carried out my own accountant.”
#102
COVER LETTER – “Sorry for any incontinence.”
#103
KEY SKILLS – “I supervise employees with the iron fist!”
#104
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies.”
#105
EDUCATION – “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
#106
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Filing, billing, printing, and coping.”
#107
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY – “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people.”
#108
HOBBIES – “I like playing sports, which I fined gives me a winning appetite for life.”
Russ Kincade 3 years ago
My name Herschel Walker and I be honorary sheriff and I be good senator.
#109
KEYS SKILLS – "Keeping family home clean, tidy and hygienic undertaking basic DIY. Operating domestic tasks like cleaning, washing, and cooking. Dealing with emergencies smoothly. Dealing with health issues, supervising, supporting, guiding, and organizing children."
harpling 3 years ago
Amen! Multi-tasking, communicating across a huge range of personality types, achieving cooperation, maintaining multiple schedules, noticing and correcting small issues before they become catastrophes, three million negotiations every day, and all with very minimal recognition or reimbursement from society at large.
Load More Replies... #110
CV GAP – "Candidate explained his gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for 3 months!"
Tasha Love 2 years ago
Pet deaths are hard. If I could afford it, I'd take off three months to grieve.
#111
PRINTED CV – "Candidate sent over their CV printed on the back of their current employers headed company paper."
#112
AWARDS – “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes.”
#113
KEY SKILLS – “I am very used to working with thigh schedules.”
#115
SKILS - “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
#116
EDUCATION - “I possess a moderate education but am willing to learn more.”
#117
CAREER - “I have worked with restraints for the past two years.”
#118
BACKGROUND - “28 dog years of experience in sales (four humans).”
I love my golden retriever 3 years ago
What a strange way to measure time….especially in a job application sheesh
#120
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offenses) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage.”
Don Adams 1 year ago
30 year old offenses by a teenager should not be an automatic disqualifier, and one 4;year old offense should be discussed. I had very good results with probationary hires. The offenses are acknowledged, and the applicant is offered the position with the understanding that any like offenses in a certain timeframe (6-12) months would result in termination. Most people (save some keyboard warriors) actually screw up sometimes. Give them a chance, you can develop a very loyal employee.
#122
EMAIL ADDRESS – "Batfacedgirl@……….."
#123
KEY SKILLS – “But wait… there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
#126
COVER LETTER – “I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral, and proactive problem solver.”
#127
KEY SKILLS – “My qualifications include close attention to detail.”
#131
BAD TRAITS - “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
#132
EMAIL ADDRESS – "hotsexyluv@……."
#133
HOBBIES – “Relaxing with family and friends watching action movies.”
Alan Constant 3 years ago
An HD person told me that they wanted to know if you had hobbies like playing golf, where you socialize and relieve stress, gardenin, working on cars or the house and not spending all of your time on your a*s in front of the TV vegetating.
Load More Replies... What do you think ?
Jason Melvil 3 years ago
I once had a CV where someone wrote: Skills - I read two newspapers every day
Jason Melvil 3 years ago
I once had a CV where someone wrote: Skills - I read two newspapers every day
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