The job market is a wild, wild world. On one side, you can see people trying their hardest to look polished and professional, the very best version of themselves, to impress the HR staff. On the other side, you see these misfits who exude chaotic energy and think irony and brutal honesty will get them the job, even at the cost of sounding ridiculous. And guess what? Sometimes that works!
Some people, though, really go all out to make an impression with a funny resume that has hiring managers in stitches. From putting “being sober” as an achievement to having “donating blood” as a hobby, some resume quotes are so outrageous they’re actually good. And that’s exactly what we’re gonna get you in today! We scoured the web to find the funniest CV quotes ever.
Call them resume fails, but these job applications are still a riot. And even if they didn’t get these people the jobs they were looking for, these job resumes certainly got the web’s attention for how stupidly funny they are. Scroll down below to see how these applicants took job-seeking to another level with their sense of humor!
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KEY SKILLS – “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”
EXPERIENCE - “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
KEY SKILLS - “Quick learner, good at mats and speling.”
Tbf, mats & speling's sounds like a dope a*s witchy bookstore or hipster inn travern.
SKILLS – “I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY JOB - "Maturity leave.”
Fair. Maybe they had somethings they had to grow through. If you judge them for this, then you need to go on leave too.
WORK EXPERIENCE - “2001 summer Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people.”
Calling someone a "vegetable" is a thing it means "a person who has permanently lost consciousness, due to damage to the brain, but remains alive; sometimes continued life requires support by machinery such as breathing tubes. Such a person is said to be in a vegetative state."
GAP IN CV – “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
ACHIEVEMENTS – “Being sober.”
For people that struggled with addiction in the the past being sober is a major achievement. It took lots of self-control, hard work and dedication. Good qualities for a job
JOB HISTORY – “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable.”
ACHIEVEMENTS – “I came first in the school long-distance race.”
HOBBIES – “Horse riding, like going pub when haven't got my kids. Looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they ain't at school.”
EDUCATION – “University: August 1890 to May 1993.”
EXPERIENCE - “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
I feel like this needs more context. Without it reads as if the person is entitled. But if you have a computer dad, then you (unwinllingly) spent your time learning everything about a computer, and even doing the blind keyboard typing test. -Child of a Computer Programmer Dad.
HOBBIES – “Space Travel.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Night stalker in Tesco.”
Spelling matters, kids. Stocker, as in someone who puts the stock on the shelves.
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I’m a lean, mean, marketing machine.”
ACHIEVEMENTS - “Nominated for prom queen.”
SKILLS – “I am a rapid typist.”
COVER LETTER – “I’m submitting the attached copy of my CV for your consumption.”
KEY SKILLS – “Grate communication skills.”
This could mean that their voice is "grating on the ears." Don't be surprised if I told ya so.
OBJECTIVE - “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”
APPLICATION - “On the line that asked what “sex” he was, he wrote “occassionally”.”
im just a simple blob, but every now and then I spice it by becoming a human sex.
COVER LETTER – “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
Ah hey, 14 jobs is nothing !! Over my 45 + years in employment, I have had over 120 jobs over about 30 job titles in different industry / service sectors. Most times doing what I want to do, other times doing what I need to do to make enough to pay the rent and get by, sometimes earning a shed load of money, other times just about earning enough to eat and put fuel in the car whilst living in it !! Nothing wrong with changing jobs.
SALARY REQUIREMENTS - “The higher the better.”
They said what they said. And most importantly, what I need to say.
JOB HISTORY – “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse.”
COVER LETTER – “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated.”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
HOBBIES – “Running, editing video, cooking, writing, and wondering.”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “Responsibility makes me nervous.”
INTERESTS - “Gossiping.”
EDUCATION - “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”
HOBBIES – “Painting my toenails in varying colors.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing, and executing final candidates.”
EMAIL ADDRESS – "homeboy@……"
homeboy@hotmail.eu sounds like he does sexy and disgusting things with mail.
KEY SKILLS – “Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves. Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”
COVER LETTER – “I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”
JOB TITLE – “Ass. Manager.” (Possibly meant assistant manager? At least I hope so).
COVER LETTER – "Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
HOBBIES - “Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing my guitar, and smoking pot.”
OBJECTIVE - “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
QUALIFICATIONS - “Twin sister has an accounting degree.”
OBJECTIVE - “Student today. Vice president tomorrow.”
OBJECTIVE - “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.”
I only get one money at my job. I think my boss gets 2 moneys. To get 3 moneys, you need to run the company!
AWARDS - “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I will be no stranger to double-entry. I love numbers, and my wife and I love journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I put my mind to it. Computer literate.”
KEY SKILLS – “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”
KEY SKILLS: “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”
HOBBIES – “Enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians.”
KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Oversight of entire department.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer.”
QUALIFICATIONS – “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
COVER LETTER – “I have guts, drive, ambition, and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
COVERING LETTER – “Looking for a party-time position.”
COVER SKILLS – “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Please note from my CV I have 6 years of buying, negotiating, and sock-control experience.”
OTHER INTERESTS - “Playing with my two dogs (They actually belong to my wife but I love the dogs more than my wife)”.
APPLICATION - "How large was the department you worked in with your last company?" “A: 3 stories.”
COVERING LETTER – “This is my CV I am interested in any job opening use have available if u could please send a verification that you received the email”
Any one else think this is someone on job seekers allowance who does not want a job but needs proof they are looking.
SKILLS – “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”
SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5.″
EDUCATION – “I am about to enroll in a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
HOBBIES - “Donating blood – 12 liters so far.”
KEY SKILLS – “Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Child care provider, organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am a tiger when needed, but otherwise a pussycat.”
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
WORK EXPERIENCE - “Service for the old man to check they are still alive or not.”
SALARY DESIRED - “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
STRENGTHS – “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
COVERING LETTER – “I am extremely loyal to my current employer….Feel free to ring my office if you are interested in my CV.”
KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am relatively intelligent, obedient, and loyal as a puppy.”
ACHIEVEMENTS – “Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “I didn't give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”
KEY SKILLS – “Very experienced with out-house computers.”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “Company insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
KEY SKILLS – “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Worked in an office where I carried out my own accountant.”
COVER LETTER – “Sorry for any incontinence.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies.”
EDUCATION – “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Filing, billing, printing, and coping.”
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY – “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people.”
HOBBIES – “I like playing sports, which I fined gives me a winning appetite for life.”
My name Herschel Walker and I be honorary sheriff and I be good senator.
KEYS SKILLS – "Keeping family home clean, tidy and hygienic undertaking basic DIY. Operating domestic tasks like cleaning, washing, and cooking. Dealing with emergencies smoothly. Dealing with health issues, supervising, supporting, guiding, and organizing children."
CV GAP – "Candidate explained his gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for 3 months!"
PRINTED CV – "Candidate sent over their CV printed on the back of their current employers headed company paper."
AWARDS – “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am very used to working with thigh schedules.”
SKILS - “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
EDUCATION - “I possess a moderate education but am willing to learn more.”
CAREER - “I have worked with restraints for the past two years.”
BACKGROUND - “28 dog years of experience in sales (four humans).”
What a strange way to measure time….especially in a job application sheesh
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offenses) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage.”
EMAIL ADDRESS – "Batfacedgirl@……….."
KEY SKILLS – “But wait… there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
COVER LETTER – “I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral, and proactive problem solver.”
KEY SKILLS – “My qualifications include close attention to detail.”
BAD TRAITS - “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
EMAIL ADDRESS – "hotsexyluv@……."
HOBBIES – “Relaxing with family and friends watching action movies.”
I once had a CV where someone wrote: Skills - I read two newspapers every day
I once had a CV where someone wrote: Skills - I read two newspapers every day
