People on X (formerly known as Twitter) are experts at uncovering things nobody asked for and arguing about them for three days straight.
However, amidst the drama that takes place on that platform, now and then, you're still reminded that a big part of why everyone goes there is the (unintended) humor. After all, chaos breeds comedy.
So, we've rounded up the smartest comparisons, most creative one-liners, and other funny tweets (posts?) from this April. Keep scrolling to check them out!
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The pilot episode of Stargate SG-1 is rated TV-MA because it has a full frontal of Shara (or however it's spelled).
Yeah, my buddy and I tried the mall wigging balls. Not the best idea.
The one time I tried it, I was in a hot tub at a remote AirBnB where there was zero light pollution. I remember seeing the night sky and stars moving and changing colors into a shifting rainbow of beauty. I stared at it for what I thought was an entire night. Turns out only two hours passed XD I'm sure if I'd tried it at the mall, I would not have had such a pleasant experience XD
Load More Replies...Over 50 years ago my boyfriend and I took acid at Disneyland. I met his boss for the first time. His wife , I thought had Minnie Mouse eyelashes. I came on to the acid at the top of the Matterhorn. Weeee
If it had crashed we may have been excited. She dint actually go to space. Just.high altitude for a brief time before plummeting downwards. Its her career by comparison
Eggs are $0.47 cents each, roughly, depending on location. I just don't see the big deal on egg prices. I'm not rich either, but I can afford eggs. They're trying to distract you. Wake up.
Just wait, you'll be worrying about more than just the cost of eggs here shortly. The Orange Liar just s**t the bed with his big tax dump he likes to call a tariff
Load More Replies...You have the privilege of owning property with land, don't you?
Load More Replies......well you clearly weren't the first born lol
Load More Replies...My older brother designed a twine and bedsheet parachute when we were young. I help to test it by jumping off the roof of our shed with it tied to me. When it failed to work, he determined that it just didn't have enough time to open, so we needed to test it off the second story roof of the shed. I don't think I really need to say this, but the extra height didn't help the parachutes effectiveness...
I slapshoted both a golf ball and a hockey puck into my younger brother's forehead. Separate occasions.
I'm the younger child. My sister didn't necessarily do anything directly to me, but I did a TON of stupid sh!t intentionally to gross her out. I once dumped an entire shaker of salt into my waterglass at a dinner theater and proceeded to drink the salty water while making eye contact with her the entire time. I have also picked up slugs (the larger, the better) and chased her around with them. I ate three helpings of brain taquitos when we were kids just to gross her out (they were actually really tasty.) I actually have a tested-IQ higher than hers, but it is clear that I, as the younger child, am objectively stupider than she is XD
My sister in law put a pillow on my ex husband 's head and sat on it. She was almost a year and a half old, he was 3 months. Explained a lot
I slammed my sister in the parcel box breaking 2 fingers and jamming the door... Rescue had to come 😂 in my defense I was only 5 and she wanted to visit our grandfather....I figured that would be the cheapest way
I have two younger brothers. I dropped both of them from pram. Not on purpose.
I'm almos 3 yrs older than bro, and at age 5.5 I cut his hair before church - mom was NOT happy. hehe
It is when Trump, the angry orange dictator that runs America now, says "ha ha now all the products that get imported to America from crappy places like China and Mexico have to pay 200% more import tax in order to get imported to our glorious country!" And, of course, the manufacturers just push those costs onto the consumers. EDIT to add: Tariffs are a tax on imported products, and they have always existed, but usually they're reasonable. Trump is insane and unhinged and has increased tariffs to unsustainable amounts from certain countries.
Load More Replies...It happens in the entirety of Southern California as well, constantly XD To be fair, we have a huge "car/driving culture" here (public transport is basically nonexistent) but still, people drive like bats outta hell here XD
Load More Replies...THIS. I think this ALL. THE. TIME. YOUR mistake should not be MY problem. Go ahead and fix it yourself instead of endangering everyone else fer chrissake!
But….but… as an inncocent stranger I’d be happy to die to salvage your day /s
OMG yes! Wtf is wrong with people? Like dude, just drive another 1/4 mile and turn around. It'll take you 2 minutes longer 🙄
I find this really interesting. First you have the reflex to quickly change lanes.. Split second later : nope, not worth the risk.
Or a Tesla. It happened to me literally yesterday. Scary moment.
Load More Replies...Did that. Quickly learned that cookies in was better than cookies out, and that eating cookies in moderation meant that there would be cookies later. Actually, I think I'm going to wander over to the freezer and get myself a cookie right now. 😺
You have cookies in the freezer? Is it like cookie dough that still needs to be baked, or are they actual cookies? Do you eat them frozen or defrost them? Genuine questions, I have never heard of cookies from the freezer (it's not a thing in my country, for as far as I know), so I am very curious.
Load More Replies..."That is a problem" ..... no s**t Sherlock ! Yes, by the mother allowing it.
Works better with some accents than others. In some states, they're both "Ahncahlajist." In New York, it's "Ahncawllajist." And, incredibly to my ears, in Boston, it's "Awncahllajist." (In my new home, it's "cancer doctor.")
Load More Replies...For me it's more like when I was lightly sedated for surgery because I can hear what's going on but can't quite make sense of or remember it and I'm half asleep all the time!
As Canadians, we just got a little bit of sedation during this long and painful surgery (the conservatives didn't win)
As an individual with serious health problems, this is a highly accurate statement.
I feel that. One of my chronic, lifelong "mild" health issues escalated into "constant and really really bad and quite serious" this year. Hope you are doing as well as you can be, friend <3
Load More Replies...Yeah... I've been doing a lot of standing and looking around the room lately. It's apparently very unnerving to others 😁
So you're the one I keep finding in the corner of my room! Would you just leave? You're freaking out the cats! 😂
Load More Replies...Dutch is easy, for anyone who remembers the old 'Katzenjammer Kids' comic strip.
One of my favorites! Over a hundred years old, and still going, last time I checked.
Load More Replies...Once was watching tv late at night, was half asleep, a new show came on, and I kept thinking "why can't I understand them, I must be really sleepy" and then I realized they were speaking Dutch, not English
I once read somewhere that hearing Dutch being spoken is like hearing a drunk German trying to speak English.
Load More Replies...The actor is named after his father, so this has happened at least twice. :) I think it works for him.
Or the "Not yet, but you're getting on my last nerve"?
Load More Replies...The TSA, brainstorming on how to prevent t e r r o r i s m: "How about if we just ask them? It's gotta work!"
Makes as much sense as figuring that banning guns will prevent criminals from using guns in a society with 500 million guns. (And one tenth as many police per murder as Europe has.)
Load More Replies...Seems about as genius as the signs posted saying "No concealed weapons." Like, if they don't tell you, how are you supposed to know? And why would you believe that someone who's carrying concealed would just walk up and say, "Yo, here are my weapons"? 😳🙄😮💨
Handcuff-shaped confetti! And then real handcuffs XD
Load More Replies...If they're really sneaky, their next question is "Would you like to be one?"
If you're too quick to press No you get told to click all the pictures that contain bombs....
I wonder how many people have hit "yes" just to see what happens 😆
Oh thank God! I was worried there were crazies that still liked the idea of dropping planes out of the sky. I feel safe now.
The reasoning behind this is actually pretty sound, normally if someone is willing to bring a bomb or something hazardous into an airport then they're either mentally insane or not thinking straight/on something somehow (and they will get caught by the very blunt questions) or they will be hyperfocused and/or nervous (and they will get caught by security and the normal security equipment). These questions are basically to just catch the crazies almost immediately.
It also allows another charge. Before 9/ 11 , t*******m wasnt really a crime. So they could get you on lying on immigration/ travelling papers. Sorta like how they went after Al Capone for taxes.
Load More Replies...... but the steady influx of meteoric dust *does* in fact add to the planet's mass.
It’s unclear if it’s net gain or loss though. We’re constantly losing atmosphere, water vapor, dust particles, etc
Load More Replies...Isn't it lucky that bullsh*t doesn't have an observable weight, because these days we're drowning in it.
Again, this does not add to the overall weight of the planet because all the ingredients used in its composition were obtained here on Earth.
Load More Replies...I wonder sometimes about the extra weight of the (now) 7 billion people. If we aren't evenly distributed, could that cause problems?
Not in the slightest. Compared to the mass of the planet, the combined mass of all the people on it is infinitesimally small. Even if the entire population were gathered in one place it would have no effect whatsoever. Even allowing a generous average weight of 50kg per person the combined weight of 8 billion people is only 400,000,000 tonnes. Earth is ~ 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tonnes.
Load More Replies...But also trees and vegetation (if we didn't keep cutting it down), and population influx
But repositioning them can do crazy stuff. The chinese dam gets special mention.
Okay - Mary, Queen of Scots had a croquet mallet made from the horn of a Narwhal.
who in the ever loving good god almighty would thing the d**n earth would get heavier when we build buildings?!?!? like how is that a random fact? how is that a fact? like who would even thing the earth would get heavier as we build buildings? img I might have just hit my too much people for the day limit. wow I just wow....
oh god im reading the comments here and im now worried for our future and all the people that flunked or slept through physics class
Load More Replies...Just looked up what this is and WOW the guy has some serious critical thinking skills, that's impressive
And a teacher who wants to get it. Both are awesome!
Load More Replies...There are schools that still teach civics in America?? What school is this, I need to send them some flowers
And the demonic red is on their heads in the form of hats.
Load More Replies...I, too, remember magnesium-based flash bulbs and chemical dye film stock.
My dogs do. Every time they're being adorable and I get a quick pic with my phone, it turns out they're demon dogs.
This photo remains one of the best ones I've ever taken of my cat, Preacher. I love that I can even see the glowing eyes in his reflection in the mirror XD GREEBLES-6...4f1371.jpg
There may be an option on your phone or camera about red eye removal. Flip it off and you can enjoy photos like how they used to be. Either that or use Snapseed to bump the brightness way up, set a red hue, then use the layer brush so it only applies to the eyes...
I have a baby photo or two of me where I'm doing that cute little "baby smile". Only problem? The red eyes. Also, it's not just photos. My blue-eyed cat looks like her eyes are red in the dark
I've seen clips of that show; it looks really good. I may have to start watching it soon :>
Load More Replies...The kids all grew up. But that would be a great idea for a new character! Someone they delivered in the first season!
Load More Replies...Hasn’t everyone already figured out Meredith Grey is the Angel of Death???
Medical soap opera. Gawg, what a money-maker. ZOMG, is she gonna live or die? Tune in fifteen years from now to find out. How many affairs has Doctor had? Ya mean in the last ten minutes? I run out of fingers keeping track after that much time. beep beep beep beep beep... lying in a bed on a television studio set, perpetual coma, never moving, never speaking; hey! Is this a job or is this a job? Emmy for Best Actor coming right up.
I always pictured myself throwing all my available f*cks out the nearest window...
Just the modern over use of the expletive where it is used as the noun, adjective, or verb in a sentence, sometimes all at once!
I learned when writing a employee reference that its grammatically correct to write furkck's sake not furkck sake.
It's in a vacuum mug, will stay plenty cold for a couple of hours.
Load More Replies...Milk is beginner level protein, you guts will thank you for escalating slowly.
I heard someone once say milk is great for during and after workouts: Milk has protein, vitamins and minerals, a little salt, a little fat.
Load More Replies..."first day at the gym" "I've seen everyone bring drinks" - So, when/where did you see that?
A mocktail should be at least half the price of a cocktail, but that idea would just make cocktails more expensive not mocktails cheaper, if I know anything about marketing.
The problem with Cocktails or Mocktai is they take too long to make. You also have to have a load of stuff ready that takes up more time and space. In the time it takes to make 1 cocktail or Mocktail for $19 the same waiter can make 5 mixers at $10. I can pour a gin tonic or whiskey mix in 20 seconds.
Mocktails in a lot of places are made with a mix of different things and are quite tasty. Just no alcohol and are usually cheaper than the cocktail menu. I don't drink alcohol and I try these in places where they list the ingredients in the mocktails. Some are too try hard and are bad, but quite a few of them are really tasty and something I can't make at home.
I worked really hard at creating a mocktail menu for the bar I managed. It was important to me that non-drinkers had the option of something more festive or celebratory to choose from than just a cola or club soda. And, yes, they were less expensive than cocktails - even when the ingredients were pricey, like concentrated tea extracts or preserved lemons. I started doing it back in the 90s, before it was really commonplace and am always happy to hear when someone appreciates the effort that goes into them.
Load More Replies...There is an art in mixology, whether it is with or without alcohol. Companies are creating some pretty amazing products! More and more bartenders are going sober and putting a lot of thought into a drink that complements an establishment's cuisine. (Reference: I am 10 years sober; I usually stick with club soda with lime or coffee, but if I am eating Haitian cuisine, you bet your darn skippy I want to sip on something coconutty or passion-fruity!).
I never get charged for non-alcoholic drinks. If someone requests something extravagant that uses the bars recourses, then sure, expect to get charged something. Maybe don't go to those high-end, look-at-me roof-top bars and expect water to be less than $10- a bottle.
Also, this feels like a friend application for some. Kind of.
Many years ago Coke tried mixing Coke and coffee, it was called Coca-Cola Black. I rather liked it but unfortunately it didn't catch on.
it actually looks like they are having a beef right now and are about to throw hands. they are chest to chest about to throw down!
Aluminum is the only thing that keeps my armpit demons at bay. When I read '0% aluminum' I just see 'lip balm but for your pits'
I spent a couple of years going aluminum-free because I was scared of all the things that it (allegedly) does to you/the (alleged?) risks for breast cancer/etc. I stank like a dog that just fought with an angry skunk in a pile of rotting meat. Aluminum-free doesn't work for me either XD
Load More Replies...Tried all the naturals, etc., but it was like a pantyliner on a maxi day.
Try aluminum free with activated charcoal. Works for this big stinky man.
For me it is "alcohol-free". Doesn't work. I stopped using aluminum after my breast started to hurt years ago. Correlation is not causation, but they are fine since then.
I know exactly what you are talking about, I still got cancer 😞
Load More Replies...Here's a concept for you: other places aren't exactly like where you live. Not everyone lives where you live. Not everyone says "aluminium". It's "aluminum" where I live and just because it's not "aluminium" doesn't make it WRONG.
Load More Replies...Bragging about how much money you give your ex for child support is a lot less impressive when you have hundreds of billions of dollars
If your kids have cut you off, it says volumes about your parenting skills.
Load More Replies...Hey Elon, despite never meeting you, and I definitely didn’t sleep with you, my two kids are yours! Where’s my child support?
Making up for not spending time with his kiddos? 🎵🎶 can't buy me love 🎶🎵
But money can in fact buy food and shelter and education. Many children of single mothers had fathers who never paid a dime.
Load More Replies...How is that embarrassing? Earn your worth, better your life and be appreciated.
Wow. People need to stop looking at personal stuff on their work devices.
Tommy Vietor is just lucky his mom didn't say, "Die, son." (Because it's a Dyson vacuum. Yeah, I know, like the vacuum, the joke sucks.)
Correct response: Oh my god! You don't EVER unplug the flux capacitor! Oh sh*t oh sh*t oh sh*t MOM YOU BROKE THE INTERNET!
My brother - a computer tech by trade - would probably think this is a documentary. This happens ALL the time when he helps our Aunt with ANYTHING remotely technical.
Wow. What kinda internet do you have?!? Is it fast? I want it.
That's not a vacuum, it's an A**l Fister 2000, I know that for sure.
I like the way you're thinking, but I recommend kaolin and m o r phine
Load More Replies...Let’s be real tho, if you’re going to get a text from an ex this is top level
Wow...this guy really takes pranks personal O_o can't say I completely blame him though. Some pranks are really mean.
There's one where you can paint a bar of soap with varnish so it won't lather when someone tries to use it. But then you have a bit of liquid soap in your hand and you pretend it works fine for you, they're just using it wrong. I think that's pretty harmless and funny. But, yeah, most are pretty mean.
Load More Replies...I could never understand why it's fun to prank people. How is it entertaining to be mean?
Showing America that Canada isn't fooling around. They've had enough of our s**t.
Load More Replies...I hate to admit how much this made me laugh. 💀
Load More Replies...Luckily it's a ThinkPad, costs like $50 these days... Lol.
Load More Replies...Who’s chicken did he steal? There’s an empty rotisserie somewhere
Maybe we should have always been. Instead of the dweeb celebs and influencers that are the hotshit now
How about boring men who are retired? Could we be the next hot commodity?
Ill be expecting the applications to come by email. Yes it's @yahoo.com, don't have time for social media, I'm too busy keeping my shizz together
I do a version called anti-stalking, learning a person's routine to avoid them.
I once made someone think I'd been stalking them by accident. For context I'm autistic and I struggle with social interactions so my parents suggested I pay attention to what people say about themselves and follow up. What they meant was if someone says, "I'm going to watch a movie." ask then about the movie the next day. What I did was write down everything a person said about themselves in organized documents and ask them about little details 6+ months later. In retrospect that was creepy as heck.
Wait, are you saying everything at Dollar Tree was still $1 until now? All the $2 shops (regardless of company) in Australia have had things over $2 for my whole life! That's at least 35 years.
Yes @Huddo'sSister everything was One Dollar or less till last year. You could go in spend hrs and only spend 40 bucks. It was amazing!!! I still go but some things are as much as $20 dollars now. Sucks.
Load More Replies...It is bc the owner of Dollar General bought Dollar Tree and now nothing is a Dollar anymore. $1 **this initial post was a simplied version for non USAers to understand. See my 2nd post below Brunos for more info. Although if you dont live in USA it prob wont make much sense. I dont know 2 comparable stores in Canada or Austrailia to compare it to.
Dollar General and Dollar Tree have nothing to do with each other. (By the way, Dollar Tree is waaaay cheaper than Dollar General, which is more like a big 7-11. But most of its products are $1.25 now, with a fair number of $3, $4 or $5 products.) Dollar Tree did buy Family Dollar, but that was in 2015, and it has since divested.
Load More Replies...I need my eyes checked. I thought it said "Scan for Prize" and I'm thinking, "Did Dollar Tree start running raffles or something?" 🤣
To be fair, they had $1 items for over 40 years. They couldn't maintain it forever.
I mean why not its the basis of the name of their store. I have always shopped there. Not Doll Gen or Family Dollar.
Load More Replies...used to be my favorite store, then they not only went up to $1.25, but now they're selling items up to $5. I know longer feel like a queen when I go in there, able to just throw stuff in my cart, not caring about the cost...lol...now I actually have to 'math'
It's only a certain type of people that find other people's distress entertaining.
Welcome to the internet, apparently you're new here
Load More Replies...Maybe they should emigrate. There are countries where this is not necessary.
Thanks, but they can stay in their soon-to-be-so-great-again third world sh¡thole. The world doesn't need 'muricans spread all over it.
Load More Replies...maybe you dont realize the reason people were divorcing was because they couldnt afford necessities from govt funded programs while married despite being unable to afford them by a long shot. My parents divorced on paper so my dad could afford his cancer medication.
Load More Replies...SPOILER ALERT: For anyone who hasn’t watched the latest season of the white lotus, one of the characters has realised they may be about to be hit with the consequences of fraudulent activity. The character becomes increasingly agitated and s******l over the season. He believes him and his family won’t be able to live through what is to come and plans to k**l himself and his entire family with a poison drink which he claims are pina coladas. After talking to his youngest son he decides to spare him and ensures he will not drink the poison with everyone else. At the last moment the character realised how crazy his actions are and stops everyone from drinking. The next day the youngest son decides to make a smoothie using the same blender the father made the poison drink inks with and almost dies. The father finds him, the whole family end up surviving, and the father concludes they will get through what is to come.
Thanks. I don't watch it and wouldn't, even if I had a subscription.
Load More Replies...Sort of like a beloved Chihuahua and his "I think I'm going to need a bigger box" commercial?
Load More Replies...Now your job as embarrassing mother is to find out everything about this and then become Facebook friends with the other person's mom :)
That's actually worse than a chocolate coated Brussels sprout
Load More Replies...Ooh, I now know what to ask for for my birthday next moth! Do you think I could be freed from physical illness too?
Yeah, let's see his book report on Douglas Hofstadter's 'Gödel, Escher and Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid'.
I did a reading challenge like that one summer and they were all Hardy Boys books
Every kid should *at least* be able to read The Great Gatsby and write and essay on it before kindergarten (/s)
Honestly, it's pretty cool how many parents (oh no, spoiler, it wasn't the kid reading) do this now though!
I'm not sure if they're joking or not. If not, this deserves a facepalm because Elmo is like 3.
"They told me to follow my dreams. So I went back to sleep." -- Probably Arroyo or that Veterinary Clinic.
I've never seen The White Lotus so I don't get these references. I only have over-the-air tv so a lot of posts leave me bewildered.
There’s better than even odds that someone has died in that bed.
Load More Replies...Some of the molecules of air in your lungs have come from other people's bums.
Almost all the hands you shake have touched sombody's intimate, nether parts.
Some incel somewhere is reading that and getting the shakes, lol.
Load More Replies..."We're going out for a steak dinner to celebrate!" "Ok, let me fast for two days first!"
W. T. F... (Alert The Tick. If this is 'The Bank', it must be happening in 'The City'.)
Wow... that brought back memories I forgot I had XD
Load More Replies...... If this is someone's election advice, they need their @r$e kicked. (If it's Dating advice, Caveat Emptor!)
At 5'7, basketball is fun! Until you are 14 years old and all other players are at least a head higher than you... 😢
Preach! I loved playing in middle school but by HS 30% of my classmates were way taller than me.
Load More Replies...How do you be sleep? (Also no idea who this is so don't get the post at all lol)
Stupid, wasteful PR stunt. Let's celebrate the real female astronauts, not these pieces of cargo.
And Margaret Hamilton, the MIT computer scientist, who got Apollo to the Moon.
Load More Replies...Took three times of reading but I think they are saying their grandma didn't answer their call because she is in the audience of the show family feud. I still don't get why that required tweeting about...
I didn't understand a great many of these. Who are these people? What are they even talking about?
Very few of these were not funny and many were not even slightly amusing and as someone else pointed out, some of these didn't make sense.
I like the shorter list because I won't go to the next page on purpose. F**k you bp
I didn't understand a great many of these. Who are these people? What are they even talking about?
Very few of these were not funny and many were not even slightly amusing and as someone else pointed out, some of these didn't make sense.
I like the shorter list because I won't go to the next page on purpose. F**k you bp
