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Let’s face it - sometimes, you just need a break from family-friendly humor.
That’s where adult jokes step in: from dirty jokes to corny one-liners that you wouldn’t say in front of kids. These are the bold, inappropriate jokes we secretly love and publicly pretend we don’t.
Whether you’re texting someone from a dating app or having drinks with friends, funny adult jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh or at least an eye-roll.
Not all of them are NSFW; some are just so awkward, they’d make Monday mornings feel less painful. But all of them? Worth sharing.
So scroll down for the dirtiest, naughtiest, and most hilarious adult jokes on the internet. Got a personal favorite? Share it in the comments. We won’t tell. 😏👇
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Funny Jokes For Adults
"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."
Richie Phillips 1 year ago
My Papa Mike Phillips Died 1949-1998 Lazy Cancer Blood Shake 100 One Thousand Times Cry In Lovin Memory Papa Mike Phillips Sr Died Heart Attack Lazy Cancer Heart Attack Fell Floor
RELATED:
#2
"Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."
George Scott 2 years ago
haha hahahh ahha so funny my stomach hurts honestly what bad parents lol lol lol lol lmao
#3
"Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."
Mark Fuller 3 years ago
My husband once asked Siri, "why am I so fat?" And the response that came back? "I don't know, but I have often wondered!" MAJOR BURN!!
#4
Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.
Headless Roach 3 years ago (edited)
It's like donating blood. They always ask those stupid questions.... "Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?" I stopped doing this.
#5
"I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"
shawn warner 2 years ago
I have a joke a man and his girl are going for a drive his girl suddenly mentions breaking up the man drives faster the girl mentions that she wants her stuff from the house the man drives faster the girl asks if the man needed anything then the man reply's I have all I need then the girl asks what is that the man replies I have the airbag they approach a turn and hit a barrier the girl does not survive the breakup
AspieGirl88 2 years ago
The first half of that sentence is kinda sus, LMAO … “came across my wife’s Tinder profile” sounds like he “splooged” on his electronic device (if you get what I mean)! 🤣
Rafaela Blanco 3 years ago
Tell your wife i said shes a big fat rat xoxo Rafaela Morales Blanco
#6
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
There are some people I should just keep to themselves and keep them in the comments dark humor is not funny at all whoever think it is or complete idiots
#7
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
AspieGirl88 2 years ago
Omg, too real! I legit just watched a “Mr Ballen” video last night about a skydiving accident, where the guy grabbed a backpack instead of a parachute … absolutely horrible way to go. 😣
John Baugh 1 year ago
Only once. Haha. I'm an ex Royal Marine. 42 commando. Dropped out out of planes. Love my brothers
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
Wow I still left that one I fell off my dinosaur 1950 and half and 15 4 1/2 wait a minute I wasn't even born then oh Lord sweet baby Jesus
#8
"The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
For one year, if the doctor was correct. But the doctor couldn't give himself one more day.
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Brion Martin 2 years ago
My doctor gave me two weeks to live....I couldn't pay the bill so he gave me another two weeks.
#9
"My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."
René Studer 3 years ago
This joke is so old, it had its own funeral already. But someone keeps digging it up.
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
Next track please and these are all boring I lost my dinosaur again it's so pink
#10
Dark Humor & Death Jokes
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
AspieGirl88 2 years ago
Nah, that’s not good … a good grief counsellor will tell you that grieving is natural & how it’s important to release whenever something first triggers that grief, as it’s not healthy to bottle it up. If you legit have no emotion, that’s a toxic way of living. 🤔🤷♀️
💡 See Also
#11
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”
Joshua Seaman 3 years ago
Tbf, if you raised the kid, you're his dad, regardless of who the biological father is. End of story.
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
I'm calling you to say this is not funny I fell off my Pink dinosaur again
#12
"I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."
Liam “Hypnotika Gaming” Gonzales 3 years ago
This comment has been deleted.
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AspieGirl88 2 years ago
I’d pity anyone who needs that much insulin (I have to jab several times daily for my Type 1 & that’s definitely not fun)! 😅
#13
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
Kristal 3 years ago
I guess I haven't been to enough funerals. Could someone explain this please?
Autistic apricot 3 years ago
If you say I’m sorry it seems like it was your fault, but if you say I apologise it’s you feeling bad (might be the other way around, sorry)
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Franklin Sammons 1 year ago
Is Your House Dirty? Try Something New 🆕 Get Off your Electrics And Clean Up :)
Valerian Haven 3 years ago
This is like the "Forgive me father, I have sinned" is technically the same as "im sorry daddy, I've been naughty." But I would not say both in church lol. Well....in what normal people consider church lol
#14
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Bored Retsuko 3 years ago
Well, sorry to say, but it does say "Adult jokes" in the title. 😬
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Nasim 1 year ago
Sent by you: one Arab Sheikh was introduced to a US blonde and one tdsy they went for a date. the Arab Sheikh booked a lavish seven star hote and wanted sleep with US girl. US girl consentrd and the whole Sheikh undressed his big size penis come out. looking at that the gorl said WoW. the sheikh replied its not WoW, its Alif.
#15
"My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."
Starhawk Hunt 3 years ago
We decided not to have children. The children are taking it pretty hard.
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
Some people have nothing else better to do but make dumb jokes all off my purple dinosaur again wait a minute it's green
David Kilgus 3 years ago
My girlfriend, of ten years skipped town with my best friend Sancho. I'm sure gonna miss hin
#16
"I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."
#17
If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.
Nathan Pogorzala 3 years ago
"alright, its the new year, lets get this years' love making quota out of the way."
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Dan Swenson 3 years ago
Actually, children conceived on News Year's Eve would be born in October.
Coolwhip 3 years ago
So maybe a good Christmas....a not so Silent Night if you will. A little rockin around the Christmas tree, with some extra stockings to stuff. Ok I'm done lol.
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Sue Lynn Chan 3 years ago (edited)
My birthday is on September. Should send this to my parents.
Amy Taylor 3 years ago
Unless you're born after the 22nd...LIBRA FOR LIFE!!! lol
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Anjelika 3 years ago
I'm a november baby so I've been told many times I'm from a rather romantic day 😂
Amy Taylor 3 years ago
I have an unusually large number of friends that share my birthday (9/28) or close to it, and I asked my mom if I was a drunken, NYE baby and she confirmed it, lol
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
Have to be near the end of September for that. Earlier it's because the thermostat was set low.
René Studer 3 years ago (edited)
We have a saying, if you spend your eastern holiday playing with eggs (in german the word „eggs“ can be synonymous with testicles) you’re gonna get a Christmas present.
Elizabeth Lee 1 year ago
I was born in September. My mom says my dad lost a bet. on that note, the conversation stopped.
#18
"I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."
#19
"My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"
Dillon Brown 3 years ago
Her dog after you broke it's back legs? You sound like that kind of guy, Jerry!
Jessisaur 3 years ago
Most wheelchair users can walk at least somewhat. It's such a misconception we're all paralyzed (yes I am a semiambulatory wheelchair user). It bothers me that jokes like this perpetuate the false belief that all wheelchair users can't walk.
#20
"As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."
#21
Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
Something fat kid walking into a bar and so can I get some chocolate cake just give him the whole damn chocolate cake before exactly how stupid these jokes are
#22
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
Dustin Crowe 3 years ago
I was walking down the street she's a mechanic bend over this is crack hanging out says hey can I get some and that's a funny joke all you fool's jokes are stupid hallelujah sweet baby Jesus get a life go to church
Colin Timp 3 years ago
Funny thing is that they sued the tobacco companies for costing us all more in healthcare. Turns out people living an extra 10 years that they wouldn't have otherwise is more expensive.
#23
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
#24
"I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""
Eat Dirt Crow 3 years ago
I remember the last words my grandfather told me right before he kicked the bucket. He said "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Full Name 3 years ago
The bucked was filled with cement and he fractured his foot, causing internal bleeding and he died (I'm 99% sure this isn't possible but idrc)
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Thorsten Massow 3 years ago
I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully sleeping. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his bus.
Craig Bruce 2 years ago
I recently left Calif and I'll never forget the last 2 words she said to me, "GET OFF!!"
Craig Bruce 2 years ago
I recently left Calif. and I'll never forget the last 2 words she said to me, "GET OFF!!"
Pete Campbell 3 years ago
My Grandfather died in Auschwitz , he fell out of the machine gun turret
Colin Timp 3 years ago
I want to die like my grandfather. Peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Kellie Thornton 3 years ago
I laughed so suddenly at this I startled my dogs. Now I can't convince them no one knocked on the door.
#25
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
#26
Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma. There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.
David Martin 3 years ago
Grammar is important; Just added a colon can change an entire sentence. For example: "The children ate their grandmother's freshly baked pie" versus "The children ate their grandmother's freshly baked colon"
Chris Nairne 1 year ago
That reminds me of another joke about why grammar, capitalization, and punctuation matter. It's okay to help your uncle, Jack, awful horse. It's weird to help your uncle jack off horse.
Toni Convens 3 years ago
Same goes for, I helped my uncle Jack of a horse. I helped my uncle Jack, of a horse.
Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦 3 years ago
*off. I think you meant to say off. ... Not trying to be mean
Load More Replies... #27
Priest: “Do you have any last requests?” Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”
Dillon Brown 3 years ago
Bwa ha ha! If he holds one of those bad catholic priests hands it might be enough to get him into heaven! 😏
#28
Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!
#29
Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” Doctor: “To the morgue.” Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!” Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”
#30
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
Frances M 3 years ago
That one relative your parents always use as a caution…. “Don’t do that or you’ll end up like xxx”
#31
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
Angi 3 years ago
A nice mixture of both and if you look closer there's a little yellow.
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#32
"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."
Robert Trebor 3 years ago
When I was small (I was, I was, once) my eyes got so much worse at every exam that through my teens i was afraid the end would be blindness, so my 13-year-old self tried to learn Braille.
Keanna Michelle Wold 2 years ago
Oml please stop... nobody is targeting you it's just a joke
Load More Replies... #33
Social Commentary & Society Jokes
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
#34
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”
#35
"I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."
Needmorecowbell 3 years ago
I have a pretty dark sense of humor, but this one might be a bridge too far.
Jason Welch 2 years ago
Im usually never say anything bad about a joke as they're JOKES not meant to hurt. However that last one was just very poor taste
#36
"It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."
#37
What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."
#38
"I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."
NJJenn1673 3 years ago
I only laughed at this because it reminded me of the time when I worked for Barnes & noble and one day found all the bibles had been moved to the Fiction section. I admired their commitment.
François Carré 3 years ago
"My d**k was in the Guinness Book of records once. But they immediately kicked me out of the library".
Mobey Drunk 3 years ago
Sounds like the right place in the USA. Guns have more rights than women do.
Zachary Siple 1 year ago
Women can walk into a school and not be immediately removed by the police.
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#39
"The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."
Joshua Owens 1 year ago
Brenda I think this is getting a joke now get off this site and get a damn life……. Gosh 🤪🤪🤪
Load More Replies... #40
"They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."
#41
Absurd & Ridiculous Jokes
"I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page."
#42
"Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver."
#43
Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
#44
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
Dillon Brown 3 years ago
Joe is really spreading himself too thin these days. He needs to pull himself together a d get back on the straight and narrow!
#45
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? "I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage."
Aisling Raye 3 years ago
What's the difference between a baby and a bagel? You can cook a bagel in a toaster but you'd have to put the baby in an oven. What's the difference between a baby and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
Load More Replies... #46
"I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?"
Feminist Percussionist 3 years ago
What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples get picked…
#47
Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.
#48
"When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings."
#49
"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.
#50
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.
#51
"I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog."
#52
Why did the old man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
#53
Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.
#54
"I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane."
#55
"To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state."
#56
Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
#57
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.
#58
“I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock
#59
"My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."
#60
"It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey."
#61
When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”
Šimon Špaček 3 years ago
No, the last cigarette is kept for pigs. Where else you think we get smoked ham?
Load More Replies... #62
What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.
Vonkiedool 3 years ago
How many babies does it take to paint a wall....depends on how hard you throw them
Khavrinen 3 years ago
Which is easier to load into a dump-truck, bowling balls or babies? ... Babies. Bowling balls are much too hard to get a pitchfork into.
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#63
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, “this is not working”. I don’t know what she’s talking about, the fridge is working fine.
Dillon Brown 3 years ago
I'm still waiting for her to come back and explain that note 8 years later 🤷🏻😔😒
#64
"If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it."
Damon Jordan 3 years ago
bruh its a good joke if you dont like it dont comment
Load More Replies... #65
Psychological & Philosophical Jokes
"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."
#66
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
#67
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.
#68
Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!
#69
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Dillon Brown 3 years ago
Uh, thinks that's more than a little! A little would be something like, your fly has been open all day, or no one actually likes you signature drink! Yikes! 😬
#70
Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
#71
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Jason Marin 3 years ago
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Autistic apricot 3 years ago
Please don’t do this, I think it will end up with you in prison 🙂
Load More Replies... Stephanie Did It 3 years ago
Give a man a certain kind of mushroom and he'll never need to eat again for the rest of his life.
Anette Lindholm 3 years ago (edited)
Give a man a fish and he'll Eat for a Day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend
#72
"I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."
#73
"My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story."
#74
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
#75
What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.
#76
“British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr
#77
What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm? Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
François Carré 3 years ago
What's worse than two babies in a dumpster ? One baby in two dumpsters.
#79
Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.
#80
Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.
#81
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”
#82
"I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down."
Norman Beattie 3 years ago
You put down a dog ( they now call it Euthanize ) very clever !
Load More Replies... #83
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Samia Guled 2 years ago
what do you get with a Lamborghine and a lamp? a Lambogenie! (ill downvote myself on the way out)
#84
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.” Man: “Am I dying?” Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
#85
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
#86
When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was, to be Frank in Stein.
#87
The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.
#88
"My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2. He never talks about it."
#89
What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!
#90
If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?
zakk jakkl 3 years ago
What about if only part of them was found? Do they get a cremation half off?
#91
Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”
#92
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!
#93
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
#94
Knock, Knock! Who's There? Howie! Howie who? Howie gonna hide this dead body?
#95
“Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”
mark glass 3 years ago
Was that from Mitch Hedberg? Seems like one example of why we miss him.
#96
"My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident."
#97
Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
Autistic apricot 3 years ago
Here, there’s enough for everyone 775C29B0-A...b9da2.jpeg 
#98
What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.
David Martin 3 years ago
What's the difference between me, my mother, and cancer? My father didn't beat cancer
#100
"I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once."
#101
Random Adult Jokes
Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.
Deidre Lippnik 3 years ago
Listen, MJ was a huge part of my life ( and probably billions more) but he died 13 years ago. I normally hate mj child jokes..but that got me
Load More Replies... #102
"My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away. He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade."
#104
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.
#105
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
#107
"The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis."
#108
"My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. The only problem is we already have three."
#110
“If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.”
#111
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
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What do you think ?
Jiji The Cat 3 years ago
i was about to downvote you then i got it. congratulations, you get an upvote instead
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Jiji The Cat 3 years ago
if you burn a body in the cemetery you're a nice friend if you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence
Jiji The Cat 3 years ago
i was about to downvote you then i got it. congratulations, you get an upvote instead
Load More Replies... Jiji The Cat 3 years ago
if you burn a body in the cemetery you're a nice friend if you burn a body at home, you're destroying evidence
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