Let’s face it - sometimes, you just need a break from family-friendly humor.

That’s where adult jokes step in: from dirty jokes to corny one-liners that you wouldn’t say in front of kids. These are the bold, inappropriate jokes we secretly love and publicly pretend we don’t.

Whether you’re texting someone from a dating app or having drinks with friends, funny adult jokes are guaranteed to get a laugh or at least an eye-roll.

Not all of them are NSFW; some are just so awkward, they’d make Monday mornings feel less painful. But all of them? Worth sharing.

So scroll down for the dirtiest, naughtiest, and most hilarious adult jokes on the internet. Got a personal favorite? Share it in the comments. We won’t tell. 😏👇

#1

Funny Jokes For Adults

"My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her."

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icamon
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My kids could use this joke.

Kenzie Bartlett
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor

Richie Phillips
Community Member
1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Papa Mike Phillips Died 1949-1998 Lazy Cancer Blood Shake 100 One Thousand Times Cry In Lovin Memory Papa Mike Phillips Sr Died Heart Attack Lazy Cancer Heart Attack Fell Floor

You Abot
Community Member
2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Knock knock who's there ach ach who BLESS YOU

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    #2

    "Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst."

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    George Scott
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    haha hahahh ahha so funny my stomach hurts honestly what bad parents lol lol lol lol lmao

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Haha, I hope this won’t happen to me ever

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    #3

    "Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera."

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    Madhu Raj
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I asked Siri that question again and it opened my banking app

    Mark Fuller
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My husband once asked Siri, "why am I so fat?" And the response that came back? "I don't know, but I have often wondered!" MAJOR BURN!!

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    #4

    Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

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    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's like donating blood. They always ask those stupid questions.... "Whose blood is it? Why is it in a bucket?" I stopped doing this.

    AVGucky
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Please don't downvote, only because two people had the same idea at the same moment! (And who knows who was first? Well, the one who was first. And the second maybe didn't notice...) It's not a reason to get a fellow Panda suspended 😥 and not fair

    Ochi Blaze
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How many kidneys can one person have? Lol

    shawn warner
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    because you only have two they have to come from somewhere

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    #5

    "I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around.”"

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    shawn warner
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a joke a man and his girl are going for a drive his girl suddenly mentions breaking up the man drives faster the girl mentions that she wants her stuff from the house the man drives faster the girl asks if the man needed anything then the man reply's I have all I need then the girl asks what is that the man replies I have the airbag they approach a turn and hit a barrier the girl does not survive the breakup

    Rebecca Matt
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Lol I cracked up when I heard this With my friend

    AspieGirl88
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The first half of that sentence is kinda sus, LMAO … “came across my wife’s Tinder profile” sounds like he “splooged” on his electronic device (if you get what I mean)! 🤣

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We're in line was I supposed to laugh another adult one

    Rafaela Blanco
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Tell your wife i said shes a big fat rat xoxo Rafaela Morales Blanco

    #6

    Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

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    T5n
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And I like both food and dark humor.

    Dawn Strickland
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ouch so bad it's funny...lord help us

    Lars Bouw
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ah yes! And dark humor is like a dead child, it never gets old.

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There are some people I should just keep to themselves and keep them in the comments dark humor is not funny at all whoever think it is or complete idiots

    TheAquarius1978
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    Lmao reminds of comunism.

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    #7

    You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

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    Brenda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Very important to remember

    Ashbug
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes whack "damn" and a bed skydiver goes "damn" WHACK

    Tams21
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's not the skydiving without a parachute that kills you though. It's the landing.

    Kellie Thornton
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Just one more very good reason not to go skydiving.

    AspieGirl88
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Omg, too real! I legit just watched a “Mr Ballen” video last night about a skydiving accident, where the guy grabbed a backpack instead of a parachute … absolutely horrible way to go. 😣

    John Baugh
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Only once. Haha. I'm an ex Royal Marine. 42 commando. Dropped out out of planes. Love my brothers

    Alan Evans
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yeah you need to decide how you might want go...

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wow I still left that one I fell off my dinosaur 1950 and half and 15 4 1/2 wait a minute I wasn't even born then oh Lord sweet baby Jesus

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    #8

    "The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved."

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    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    With those problem solving skills, you'll be a star of your ward

    Robert Trebor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    For one year, if the doctor was correct. But the doctor couldn't give himself one more day.

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    Azaria Steed
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    you posted this before or after you served time ? 😂😂

    Brion Martin
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My doctor gave me two weeks to live....I couldn't pay the bill so he gave me another two weeks.

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So forgot to laugh you must have fell off my Pink dinosaur

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    #9

    "My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals."

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    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That joke seemed funnier when I was much younger.

    René Studer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This joke is so old, it had its own funeral already. But someone keeps digging it up.

    Deborah B
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Do you toss the flower arrangement from the coffin like a bride's bouquet?

    Dawn Strickland
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's bad that this is funny... right!? Oh my.

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Next track please and these are all boring I lost my dinosaur again it's so pink

    ArodTheHorrible
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Also, you are probably more accurate LOL

    #10

    Dark Humor & Death Jokes

    My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

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    AspieGirl88
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nah, that’s not good … a good grief counsellor will tell you that grieving is natural & how it’s important to release whenever something first triggers that grief, as it’s not healthy to bottle it up. If you legit have no emotion, that’s a toxic way of living. 🤔🤷‍♀️

    Ozymandias73
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Looks like they got their money's worth

    #11

    Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.”

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    Joshua Seaman
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Tbf, if you raised the kid, you're his dad, regardless of who the biological father is. End of story.

    foofoofloofy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait, I don't get...OH. Oh s**t.

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm calling you to say this is not funny I fell off my Pink dinosaur again

    #12

    "I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy."

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    Liam “Hypnotika Gaming” Gonzales
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

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    Brenda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How does he stand in!?!

    AspieGirl88
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I’d pity anyone who needs that much insulin (I have to jab several times daily for my Type 1 & that’s definitely not fun)! 😅

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    #13

    “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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    Kristal
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I guess I haven't been to enough funerals. Could someone explain this please?

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you say I’m sorry it seems like it was your fault, but if you say I apologise it’s you feeling bad (might be the other way around, sorry)

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    Franklin Sammons
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is Your House Dirty? Try Something New 🆕 Get Off your Electrics And Clean Up :)

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    People need help it's called Jesus

    Jonas Cyr
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    yeah and its better than "I feel bad"

    Valerian Haven
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is like the "Forgive me father, I have sinned" is technically the same as "im sorry daddy, I've been naughty." But I would not say both in church lol. Well....in what normal people consider church lol

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    #14

    What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

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    Brenda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    😄😁😆😅🤣😂

    SAMIEL JOSEPH VIRAY
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't get it... maybe because I'm 14?

    Bored Retsuko
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, sorry to say, but it does say "Adult jokes" in the title. 😬

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    Jenny Fors
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh F*** that's funny🤣 ( I'm a nurse in geriatrics)

    Nasim
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sent by you: one Arab Sheikh was introduced to a US blonde and one tdsy they went for a date. the Arab Sheikh booked a lavish seven star hote and wanted sleep with US girl. US girl consentrd and the whole Sheikh undressed his big size penis come out. looking at that the gorl said WoW. the sheikh replied its not WoW, its Alif.

    Ashley Gray
    Community Member
    2 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

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    #15

    "My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow."

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    Vic
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Can you ship them? I'll pay for postage..

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    SCP 4666
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Where's this couple that will adopt the babies?

    Starhawk Hunt
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We decided not to have children. The children are taking it pretty hard.

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Some people have nothing else better to do but make dumb jokes all off my purple dinosaur again wait a minute it's green

    David Kilgus
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My girlfriend, of ten years skipped town with my best friend Sancho. I'm sure gonna miss hin

    #16

    "I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except for one person."

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    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Star trek dark mirror vibes on this one

    Mark Kelly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yeah, that one person was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe.

    RYLAN SWARTOUT
    Community Member
    8 months ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    wow i don't think that person has a sense of humor

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Another dumb one oops did I say that

    #17

    If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

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    Brenda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My husband, dad ,DIL and grandson all September birthdays. Lol 😆 🤣

    Nathan Pogorzala
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "alright, its the new year, lets get this years' love making quota out of the way."

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    Dan Swenson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Actually, children conceived on News Year's Eve would be born in October.

    Coolwhip
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So maybe a good Christmas....a not so Silent Night if you will. A little rockin around the Christmas tree, with some extra stockings to stuff. Ok I'm done lol.

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    Ozymandias73
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    September rules!!! Virgo for life!!

    Anjelika
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm a november baby so I've been told many times I'm from a rather romantic day 😂

    Amy Taylor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have an unusually large number of friends that share my birthday (9/28) or close to it, and I asked my mom if I was a drunken, NYE baby and she confirmed it, lol

    Robert Trebor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Have to be near the end of September for that. Earlier it's because the thermostat was set low.

    René Studer
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We have a saying, if you spend your eastern holiday playing with eggs (in german the word „eggs“ can be synonymous with testicles) you’re gonna get a Christmas present.

    Elizabeth Lee
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was born in September. My mom says my dad lost a bet. on that note, the conversation stopped.

    Erica Childs
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And Valentines =November babies =me

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    #18

    "I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors."

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    #19

    "My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?"

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    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Her dog after you broke it's back legs? You sound like that kind of guy, Jerry!

    Jessisaur
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Most wheelchair users can walk at least somewhat. It's such a misconception we're all paralyzed (yes I am a semiambulatory wheelchair user). It bothers me that jokes like this perpetuate the false belief that all wheelchair users can't walk.

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Honey jokes are funny get over yourselves

    Dawn Strickland
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    People in wheelchairs love this joke! ;)-

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    #20

    "As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice."

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    #21

    Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”

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    Mere Cat
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Husband should have said "but you already ate two!"

    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    husband: but you ate some last night

    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Something fat kid walking into a bar and so can I get some chocolate cake just give him the whole damn chocolate cake before exactly how stupid these jokes are

    #22

    Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.

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    Dustin Crowe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was walking down the street she's a mechanic bend over this is crack hanging out says hey can I get some and that's a funny joke all you fool's jokes are stupid hallelujah sweet baby Jesus get a life go to church

    Colin Timp
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Funny thing is that they sued the tobacco companies for costing us all more in healthcare. Turns out people living an extra 10 years that they wouldn't have otherwise is more expensive.

    Nathan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    But that makes genocide good.

    #23

    A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

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    Sarah Rose Johnstone
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Boy I love those puns! Keep 'em obnoxious 😁

    eMpTy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ...and this is your punishment for making adult jokes.

    #24

    "I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?""

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    Eat Dirt Crow
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I remember the last words my grandfather told me right before he kicked the bucket. He said "Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

    Full Name
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The bucked was filled with cement and he fractured his foot, causing internal bleeding and he died (I'm 99% sure this isn't possible but idrc)

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    Thorsten Massow
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully sleeping. Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his bus.

    Craig Bruce
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I recently left Calif and I'll never forget the last 2 words she said to me, "GET OFF!!"

    Craig Bruce
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I recently left Calif. and I'll never forget the last 2 words she said to me, "GET OFF!!"

    Colin Timp
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I want to die like my grandfather. Peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    Kellie Thornton
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I laughed so suddenly at this I startled my dogs. Now I can't convince them no one knocked on the door.

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    #25

    When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

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    SAMIEL JOSEPH VIRAY
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    My dad actually left me tho. Still funny🥲

    SAMIEL JOSEPH VIRAY
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

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    Angi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They say every joke has a grain of truth but for me this is just a fact lol

    Apatheist 62
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I thought the answer to this was "when it becomes ap-parent"...

    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    just like the milk

    #26

    Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma. There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

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    CHRIS DOMRES
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When is snot not snot? When it's not.

    David Martin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Grammar is important; Just added a colon can change an entire sentence. For example: "The children ate their grandmother's freshly baked pie" versus "The children ate their grandmother's freshly baked colon"

    CultOfBambi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Grandmas taste the best! Even better than bananas, apparently.

    Chris Nairne
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That reminds me of another joke about why grammar, capitalization, and punctuation matter. It's okay to help your uncle, Jack, awful horse. It's weird to help your uncle jack off horse.

    Andrew Vince
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The difference between, "Know your s**t" & "Know you're s**t"!

    Cranky Gurl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Bet grandma liked it either way

    Toni Convens
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Same goes for, I helped my uncle Jack of a horse. I helped my uncle Jack, of a horse.

    Metalhead Turtle 🇺🇦
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *off. I think you meant to say off. ... Not trying to be mean

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    #27

    Priest: “Do you have any last requests?” Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?”

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    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Bwa ha ha! If he holds one of those bad catholic priests hands it might be enough to get him into heaven! 😏

    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My response would be "yeah, unstrap me".

    George Scott
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    lmao this joke is seriously so funny iam literally crying

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    #28

    Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because she outgrew her B-shells!

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    Pookah
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    85% of mermaids wear the wrong shells

    Angi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So what happens when she grows out of them?

    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    She moves to a large pool in Vegas.

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    Jim Meusey
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I thought she wore an algae bra

    Lynette Vella
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Now that's "funny adult" without being sick!

    #29

    Man: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” Doctor: “To the morgue.” Man: “What? But I’m not dead yet!” Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.”

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    eMpTy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Shouldn't have signed up as an organ donor...

    #30

    You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

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    Frances M
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That one relative your parents always use as a caution…. “Don’t do that or you’ll end up like xxx”

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    #31

    For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

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    Angi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A nice mixture of both and if you look closer there's a little yellow.

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    Kellie Thornton
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I guess they didn't go skydiving twice...

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is it a blood or s*it stain? I may be interested

    Drake Smith
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    small stain: just entire thing is covered in either blood or s**t

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    #32

    "I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."

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    Robert Trebor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When I was small (I was, I was, once) my eyes got so much worse at every exam that through my teens i was afraid the end would be blindness, so my 13-year-old self tried to learn Braille.

    nasir Abdul
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Please, no jokes about infirmities, particularly blindness

    Keanna Michelle Wold
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oml please stop... nobody is targeting you it's just a joke

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    #33

    Social Commentary & Society Jokes

    How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

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    Lola M
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    As an emo adult, I can agree.

    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How many punks does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 20 1 to hold the latter, 1 to screw it in and 18 on the guest list.

    #34

    My girlfriend’s dog died, so I bought her another, identical one. She just screamed at me and said: “What am I meant to do with two dead dogs?!?”

    Report

    Madhu Raj
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    She looks him dead in the eye and tells "Thank you. It will help me practice digging and burying a body"

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Where did you get it is the better question

    F.clarijs
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When you try your Best Buy you don’t succeed 🤣

    Ashbug
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's sick............ I like it!!!!!!

    #35

    "I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette. It went in one ear and out the other."

    Report

    Needmorecowbell
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a pretty dark sense of humor, but this one might be a bridge too far.

    Dylan Pipkins
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    As I read this it went in one eye and out the other. Lol.

    Jason Welch
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Im usually never say anything bad about a joke as they're JOKES not meant to hurt. However that last one was just very poor taste

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    #36

    "It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive."

    Report

    #37

    What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

    Report

    #38

    "I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section."

    Report

    NJJenn1673
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I only laughed at this because it reminded me of the time when I worked for Barnes & noble and one day found all the bibles had been moved to the Fiction section. I admired their commitment.

    Falcon dimi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe in the history section pretty soon (hope not actualy)

    François Carré
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "My d**k was in the Guinness Book of records once. But they immediately kicked me out of the library".

    Mobey Drunk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sounds like the right place in the USA. Guns have more rights than women do.

    Zachary Siple
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Women can walk into a school and not be immediately removed by the police.

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    Madhu Raj
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My supervisor was worse. He fired me for stacking all the blank sheets in a separate rack named "Women's rights"

    Mark Kelly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Someone at a Library put the Bible in the fiction section.

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    #39

    "The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family."

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    Joshua Owens
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Brenda I think this is getting a joke now get off this site and get a damn life……. Gosh 🤪🤪🤪

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    Almarako94
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is this a Death note reference?

    Unknown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Man A lot of people are hating on Brenda....

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    #40

    "They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline."

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    #41

    Absurd & Ridiculous Jokes

    "I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page."

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    nooneimportant
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's where Bruce Wayne finds a new sidekick

    RYLAN SWARTOUT
    Community Member
    8 months ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    why can't the orphan play baseball he dosen't know where home is

    Madhu Raj
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Lol. computers in orphanages dont work. they dont have motherboards

    #42

    "Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver."

    Report

    #43

    Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

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    Eat Dirt Crow
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or how to describe your partner who's on their second marriage.

    #44

    Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

    Report

    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Joe is really spreading himself too thin these days. He needs to pull himself together a d get back on the straight and narrow!

    Evan Fox
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I’m glad Joe’s branching out lol

    #45

    What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? "I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage."

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    AVGucky
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How many dead bodies does it take to switch a lightbulb? Well, it's not six! My basement is still dark.

    Pookah
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Joke works better with dead babies

    Aisling Raye
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What's the difference between a baby and a bagel? You can cook a bagel in a toaster but you'd have to put the baby in an oven. What's the difference between a baby and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

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    #46

    "I love telling jokes about orphans. What are they going to do, tell their parents?"

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    Feminist Percussionist
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What’s the difference between apples and orphans? Apples get picked…

    #47

    Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

    Report

    #48

    "When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings."

    Report

    #49

    "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

    Report

    Norman Beattie
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Now that one made me laugh out loud !

    SCP 4666
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    She should totally date him. She would never be out of bacon☝️

    #50

    Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

    Report

    #51

    "I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog."

    Report

    #53

    Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

    Report

    Amy Adams
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    #54

    "I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane."

    Report

    #55

    "To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state."

    Report

    #56

    Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

    Report

    #57

    Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

    Report

    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    haha very funny barbie!

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    #58

    “I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock

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    #59

    "My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support."

    Report

    #60

    "It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey."

    Report

    #61

    When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

    Report

    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No last requests? Not even a cigarette?

    Šimon Špaček
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No, the last cigarette is kept for pigs. Where else you think we get smoked ham?

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    #62

    What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

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    Vonkiedool
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How many babies does it take to paint a wall....depends on how hard you throw them

    Khavrinen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Which is easier to load into a dump-truck, bowling balls or babies? ... Babies. Bowling balls are much too hard to get a pitchfork into.

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    #63

    My wife left a note on the fridge saying, “this is not working”. I don’t know what she’s talking about, the fridge is working fine.

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    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm still waiting for her to come back and explain that note 8 years later 🤷🏻😔😒

    madeline
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    can someone explain this i have a undeveloped brain

    #64

    "If you think I would joke about Alzheimer’s, forget it."

    Report

    #65

    Psychological & Philosophical Jokes

    "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess."

    Report

    #66

    What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.

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    #67

    What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

    Report

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    #68

    Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

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    Angi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That hit a little to close to home...lol

    Vanessa Richardson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The next time I open up to somebody, it’ll be at my autopsy!

    #69

    Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”

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    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Uh, thinks that's more than a little! A little would be something like, your fly has been open all day, or no one actually likes you signature drink! Yikes! 😬

    #70

    Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

    Report

    #71

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    Report

    Jason Marin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I shall now go out and be very generous to the homeless 😌

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Please don’t do this, I think it will end up with you in prison 🙂

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    Stephanie Did It
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Give a man a certain kind of mushroom and he'll never need to eat again for the rest of his life.

    Anette Lindholm
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Give a man a fish and he'll Eat for a Day. Teach a man to fish and you can bang his wife every weekend

    #72

    "I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor."

    Report

    #73

    "My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story."

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    #74

    I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

    Report

    #75

    What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.

    Report

    #76

    “British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!” – Jimmy Carr

    Report

    #77

    What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm? Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.

    Report

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    #78

    Why is diarrhea hereditary? It runs in your genes!

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    #79

    Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

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    #80

    Stop elephant poaching. Everyone knows the best way to eat an elephant is grilled.

    Report

    #81

    I’ll never forget my dad’s last words. “Erase my search history, son.”

    Report

    Brenda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Probably need to erase hubby's so the kids don't see it

    #82

    "I read a book about an immortal dog. It was impossible to put down."

    Report

    Norman Beattie
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You put down a dog ( they now call it Euthanize ) very clever !

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    #83

    Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

    Report

    Samia Guled
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    what do you get with a Lamborghine and a lamp? a Lambogenie! (ill downvote myself on the way out)

    #84

    Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.” Man: “Am I dying?” Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

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    #85

    Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

    Report

    just me
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Some people are like slinkies

    #86

    When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was, to be Frank in Stein.

    Report

    zakk jakkl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I love puns so much if my name was Frank I'd totally do that

    #87

    The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

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    #88

    "My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2. He never talks about it."

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    #89

    What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

    Report

    Angi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So did the ones who got on the lifeboats win or lose?

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    #90

    If someone burns to death, do they get a discount at the crematorium?

    Report

    zakk jakkl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What about if only part of them was found? Do they get a cremation half off?

    #91

    Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”

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    Tigger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No doubt this answer will be on a thread in a few days called, "The Most toxic thing I've heard a man say". Or something similar 😑.

    #92

    What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

    Report

    #93

    Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

    Report

    Dillon Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I asked for directions to the hospital, not the morgue!

    zakk jakkl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If the morgue is in the hospital though...

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    #94

    Knock, Knock! Who's There? Howie! Howie who? Howie gonna hide this dead body?

    Report

    #95

    “Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.”

    Report

    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Was that from Mitch Hedberg? Seems like one example of why we miss him.

    #96

    "My father always used to say, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger,” – ’til the accident."

    Report

    #97

    Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.

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    #98

    What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

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    David Martin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What's the difference between me, my mother, and cancer? My father didn't beat cancer

    #99

    What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes.

    Report

    #100

    "I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once."

    Report

    Daniela Diaz Ruiz
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I ate one of those once they were breaking down for sure.

    #101

    Random Adult Jokes

    Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

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    Deidre Lippnik
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Listen, MJ was a huge part of my life ( and probably billions more) but he died 13 years ago. I normally hate mj child jokes..but that got me

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    #102

    "My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away. He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade."

    Report

    #103

    “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.”

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    #104

    Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.

    Report

    #105

    A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

    Report

    #106

    What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public? A private tutor!

    Report

    #107

    "The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis."

    Report

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    #108

    "My wife and I have decided we don’t want children. The only problem is we already have three."

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    #109

    The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

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    #110

    “If you’re choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, “Heimlich maneuver,” and all will be well. Trouble is, it’s difficult to say “Heimlich maneuver” when you’re choking to death.”

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    #111

    Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

    Report