Okay, so we all know that liking dark jokes is a sign of intelligence (and maybe some underlying problems). The darker, more ironical, and satirical is the humor of your preference, the likely higher your IQ. Or, at the very least, that’s what I like to think. Liking these dark jokes might also reflect our view of the world. We all know that life tends to get icky at more than one point of its runtime, and it’s us taking it in stride and having the courage to laugh at our woes. Well, at least, smirk it all off. Okay, okay, nod it off.
Anyway, you probably didn’t click on this article to read about the meaning of life, but rather to be amused by our collection of only the very best dark jokes. Sure enough, they’ll cover each and every pressing topic you might encounter at some point - from losing your limbs to losing your mind; these cool jokes will leave no stone unturned. So, if your bothers need some relating to, you’ve come to the right place to make your troubles less and your mood far better.
Now, the usual - to check out these clever jokes, you’ll have to scroll downward. By letting yourself enjoy these dark humor items, you’ll probably feel rather smug, but don’t forget about your friends - they might want to borrow that smugness from you, so don’t forget to share this article with your folks. Of course, lest you forget, let us remind you to vote for the most hilarious jokes and maybe add in your choice in the comments. I think the steps are all covered, and it’s absolutely about time for some laughs!
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better." "Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."
I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for. So far no one has given me a straight answer.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean? Also, my IQ test came back positive.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus. And I lost my job as a bus driver!
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Being a sniper is awesome.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Siri, why am I still single?! *Siri activates front camera*
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.
I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.
Dark humour is like food, not everyone gets it.
What do you call an orphan taking a selfie? A family photo.
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?" the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love." I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
Since the pandemic started, my wife just stands there sadly looking through the window. I should probably go let her in.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
Never break someone's heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.
I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.