in.love.with.taylor.swift
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in.love.with.taylor.swift loves her dogs, her friends, girl in red, and taylor swift (ofc)
in.love.with.taylor.swift • upvoted 40 items 1 month ago
Sensible Sam And Kevin
Long time lurker, first time poster, throwaway account, on mobile, no one cares. This is about a Kevin in my program at college. She was actually a pretty mediocre kid, mostly, for the first few years. She scraped by in classes, had a few friends, and more than a few moments of pure, unadulterated Kevin-ness. Several highlights include jumping off a two story roof "to see what would happen," a complete inability to comprehend the difference between ice cream and gelato despite many attempts to explain it to her, and drinking an unspecified amount of espresso and spent the better part of an hour literally running in circles around the architecture building to burn off the energy. At one point, a boy about a year ahead of Kevin in the program took an interest her. Let's call him Sensible Sam (SS). SS and Kevin set up a date at a nice place just off campus. Kevin got understandably nervous before the date. Kevin's panic response was to drink an entire large milkshake immediately prior to meeting SS. Kevin is lactose intolerant. Kevin threw up. For some godforsaken reason, SS kept dating her. They actually fell head over heels for each other, and stayed together for years, despite the fact that Kevin: Suggested a lovely little downtown place for dinner. Got horribly lost and could find neither the restaurant nor the way back to campus. Has lived in this town for years. Accidentally claimed to be single just after her and SS's one year anniversary. Decided the minor side effects of her morning ADHD meds were not worth dealing with all day, so she started taking them at night. Her ADHD meds are effective for about six hours after being taken. She was almost entirely useless until she went to refill her prescription and her doctor told her what an idiot she is. Asked SS how to spell his last name. His last name is four letters. They had been dating for months at this point. Found a way onto the roof of the art building. Was not immune to getting in trouble after putting pictures on her Snapchat story instead of a group chat. Forgot her shoes on the "walk of shame." Twice. Tried to take SS to meet her parents. Somehow drove to the wrong state. Signed up for a class. Forgot about it for the entire semester. Failed because she never showed up. SS proposed a week ago. Still don't know why he deals with my dumb a*s. I got lucky, y'all.The Kevin Who Alllllmost Made Perfect Sandwiches
This Kevin has been in my life since age 6. We grew up as friends, and I have many stories; this one is my favorite. Kevin got a job at a gas station/fast food place. During his first week there, they were training him on the sandwich line. He said everything was going well, and he had the manager there with him to help him out. He finally gets his first customer. The guy orders a steak and cheese. Keep in mind that a steak and cheese sub is Kevin's favorite food, and he makes good ones at home, so it should be no issue for him. Kevin makes the man's sandwich, and even the manager comments on his good job making it. Right as he was about to wrap the sandwich, the customer notices that he forgot to cut the sandwich and asks Kevin to do it. Kevin says, 'Oh ya, I forgot, sorry about that,' then proceeds to lay the sub down on its side and cut the sub long-ways. The manager and the customer are now just both staring at Kevin in complete disbelief. Finally, the manager asks him why he cut the sandwich like that, and Kevin responds with, 'That's how you showed me.' That was not how he was shown. So the manager and customer at this point start to laugh about it. The manager explains that in no way, shape, or form were you trained that way. He tells Kevin he can keep that sub for himself and to make the customer another one. Kevin makes another perfect sub and begins to wrap it up when the customer notices for a second time he didn't cut it. Now, to this day none of us could figure out what went through Kevin's mind, maybe he thought it would get a good laugh, maybe he was super hungry and thought he would get another free sandwich. All we know is that he laid that second sub down on its side and cut it long-ways again. Both the manager and the customer were upset by this point, and the manager sent Kevin away and made the sub himself. Kevin was removed from the sub station permanently and made into a cashier that shift (which there are more stories about). When I finally confronted Kevin about the story (other friends were around, too), I had to ask him: 'Kevin, if you had a long day at work and you're starving so you stop to pick up a steak and cheese on the way home, and right before they hand you what looks to be a delicious sub, they cut it in half like the way you did, would you accept that sub?' Kevin emphatically said with a look of disgust on his face: 'F*** no! I wouldn't take that sandwich.' He didn't understand our hysterical laughter.Reddit post
At my bachelor party, a guy who owned the house slept with one of the two strippers. For some reason, he decided not to pay her, and she cut up all his work suits in his closet with a knife. I didn't know any of this was happening because I was drunk and playing pool like a reasonable partygoer, but I support her decision. He always was a dumb*ss.Reddit post
The stripper used hand sanitizer on the stag's back and lit it on fire. Of course, it didn’t burn off right away like she (stupidly) expected. Stag ended up in the hospital with second-degree burns to his entire back. I still, to this day, can smell the burning flesh and back hair.Reddit post
We were all very drunk, and after my mate's party, a few of us were walking home via a railway yard and decided to take a nap in one of the carriages. We woke up at lunchtime the next day in another state, and we all missed the wedding, including the groom.Kevina Doesn't Understand Body Temperature
So this happened a few years back. I apply for a new job which requires a drug test for all new employees. The company is relatively small and handles all of their drug testing in house using dipsticks. There is little to no supervision or protocols when you take the drug test. They literally hand your a cup, ask you to go into one of the bathrooms stalls (is not even a single stall bathroom), have you pee in a cup, then hand them the cup. They dip it right in front of you then you are done. Easy right? So Kevina comes out and hands her cup of urine to the supervisor, who then proceeds to test it. Supervisor looks up at Kevina and shows her the dipstick. Then this glorious conversation takes place. Supervisor: So you want to try again? Kevina (confused): No. You have my urine right there. Supervisor: Oh, so you're dead then? Kevina (more confused): Huh? Supervisor: Look, the urine you gave me was about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. Either you are lying or you are dead. And since you don't look or sound like a corpse, I'm going to assume that it is not your urine. Kevina: It is my urine! I am cold-blooded. That's all. Supervisor (chuckling): Are you trying to tell me that your natural body temperature is around 58 degrees? Kevina: Well I've never checked it, but yeah when I am nervous it's something around there. Needless to say, Kevina was sent home immediately and told not to come back.Rip Kevin
Firstly this isn't a dis on this Kevin. I loved him really, his name was actually Tommy and he was an amazing guy. He died yesterday afternoon and it kinda k***ed me inside. We all called him Kev or Kevin because of his kevin-like way of life. Here are some fun memories I have had with Kevin over the years. First time I met him was my first day at my new school. I had just moved from Arizona to Manhattan because my dad had taken on a new job. I was nervous as f**k and my teacher did little to help that, she introduced me, told everyone where I was from and all that s**t. She sat me at my desk and Kevin leaned over to me and asked me if "I lived in a trailer in the middle of the desert?" And when I told him no I lived in Prescott he then asked "what state is that in?". First time we "played out" together when we were around 14. We were on our bikes. Kevin fell off of his bike and broke his arm. Full on broken. Oddly shaped and massively swollen. He went three days before telling his mom that he had broken his arm because he thought "it would go back to normal". Kevin then started to experiment with drugs. As we all did when we were around 16. The first time we ever did mdma Kevin took his shoes off to be "at one with the earth." He stepped in dog s**t and then proceeded to walk through the entire house to get to the bath and wash his foot. He stepped out of the bath and slipped on his s****y footprint and knocked himself out on the toilet. On Kevin's 21st birthday he took his d**k out in public because he was "legally old enough". He thought gold was graded in Carrots not carats. He also thought that it was how many carrots it was worth back in the day. Kevins come in all different shapes and sizes but our Kevin was the best.The Lights Are No Longer Left On For Mr. & Mrs. Kevin
It was not the sort of motel chain that brings to mind images of chocolates placed on pillows or romantic evenings in the hot tub; indeed, its signature decor can be seen in the background of certain low-budget rap videos and, I'm told, the occasional porno. However, Mr. and Mrs. Kevin made it their monthly romantic getaway. In fact, due to a generous corporate policy that directed managers to provide an extra night free of charge to soothe any complaining guests, for a period lasting a year or more, they succeeded in stretching their monthly getaway to two nights. Among the complaints that won them an extra night: --The room was full of bugs after they left the door open all evening --The toilet stopped flushing after they emptied their ashtray into it The manager eventually received permission from corporate to cap the number of free nights a guest could be eligible for. The Kevins were the only guests ever to reach this lifetime cap at our motel. Their shock over no longer having one free night a month did not end their regular getaway, however. That was achieved after an incident involving copious amounts of vomit. Mr. and Mrs. Kevin were informed that they were now on the no-rent list. Apparently, this monthly stay was important to their marriage, because a few months later the manager received a call from Mrs. Kevin's divorce attorney. What vital information did he need? He wanted to confirm that Mr. Kevin was responsible for both Kevins being banned from the motel. Yes, this was apparently part of the divorce proceedings. The manager explained that he considered each of them equally responsible, which was not the answer the attorney expected or wanted. Not long after, Mrs. Kevin called the front desk. "You have me banned under the name Jane Kevin," she announced. "But--" and here she could not hide her pleasure at her own cleverness, "that's not my name anymore. I got divorced, and now my name is Jane Kelly." The front desk employee, trying to hide their laughter, said, "Ok, we'll make sure to ban you under the name Jane Kelly, too." A gasp of dismay, and the line went dead.“Easy” A
When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin. So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed dogs and punctures it several times. He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, “what did you do?” Kevin replies, “I did this,” and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.Kevina Insists She Meant My 2 Year Old Nephew, 5 Years Ago
I was preparing for my baby shower. Kevina asked who would be there. Upon, hearing my 2 year old nephew would be there so she said “I haven’t seen him since your wedding 5 years ago”. Me “he’s 2. You have never met him.” Her “yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.” Me “my wedding was 5 years ago, he’s 2.” Her “ he was your ring bearer” Me “ that was my cousin” Her “no, it was your nephew” Me “ I only have 1 nephew and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin” Her “ your other nephew then” Me “ I only have 1.” Bust out a pic of my cousin “this boy, is my cousin”. Her “ no, that’s your nephew the ring bearer”. I don’t remember what finally convinced her but this went on for another 5 minutes.I’m Married To A Kevin
Oh the stories I have, I think my husband could be the king of all Kevin’s. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair but no one was around to help. He is not a hairy person at all but when he gets something in his head he can’t stop thinking about it. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor and lay in it. I can picture all 6’4” 300+lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom. He gets in the shower and rinses it off and then goes about his day. Went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. While walking out our son asked why he had a bald spot in the back of his head. OMG, he got Nair in his hair and had a perfect bald shaped 3 on the back of his head. After a few more days more hair fell out and it was a perfect 8. I could write a book on the stories I have of himThe Most Kevinly Kevin I Remember
I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outted himself as a Kevin. He seemed like a normal guy until one day... Some of us were talking about the walk home from school. Kevin said he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I'd been to his house before and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long. Kevin explains that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home, he has to take a different, much longer route.Pill Pooping Kevin
A few years back, one of my husband's fraternity brothers stayed with us for a long weekend so he could attend some reunion-type thing. I'm fairly sure he's a Kevin. Since hubby and I had a long-standing family obligation on Friday night, Kevin was left to his own devices in the house. I knew this wouldn't end well, but I was expecting get the dog drunk type antics. Nope, Kevin went in the freezer for some ice cream, or maybe he was just being nosy. Anyhow, he saw some unlabeled tablets in a blister pack and decided they were drugs. Why? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a Kevin. Hubby and I aren't the types to have anything stronger than Advil in the house. Regardless, he popped a couple. After an hour or so of nothing happening, he decided to take 4 more. When we got home, Kevin informed us that we'd better ask for a refund because those pills in the freezer were duds! What pills? The ones in our freezer? That's cheese curdling enzymes called rennet. I'd been going through a phase of learning to make my own cheese. Rennet is a necessary ingredient that comes in that form and is best stored in the freezer. It absolutely will not make you high. In that quantity, it will cause severe gastric distress best not observed in nature. I will never forget the sounds that came from the bathroom all Saturday. Don't take mystery pills from the freezer, Kevin. They're not all gonna be drugs.Kevina Thinks She's Bilingual
Austrian here. My sister used to take in couch surfers from all across the world. Most were lovely fellas with interesting stories to tell. But one time, we hit the jackpot. We got a set of four American stereotypes. The ones that I used to think were only real in movies - and one of them was an air-headed cheerleader who was one hell of a pain. Since they're not relevant to the story, I won't go into detail about how rude and obnoxious Kevina behaved during the days leading up to the event - but let me tell you, at this point, even her friends were done with her. It's New Year's Eve, the couch surfers decide to stay with us instead of going out into the city and my sis and I go about our New Year's celebration the same way we always do - having fondue, dancing to "The Blue Danube" and watching Dinner for One. Midnight comes and goes and within less than five minutes, Kevina takes her laptop to the other room to videocall her parents - leaving the door open. And off she goes, complaining loudly about how my sister and I are "embarrassing as foooock" (literally how she pronounced it), how "that Austrian food we had suuuucked" (as much as I would love to claim fondue for our cuisine, the French would likely be opposed), how "the mountains looked fake" and what not. My sister and I were in the living room with the others, perfectly able to hear every single word while her friends turned red as tomatoes and started giving us apologetic looks. Cue Kevina's return - marching into the living room with the carefree attitude of the ignorant dumba*s. Kevina's friend: "Uhmm... Kevina... we heard you. All of us." Kevina: "Sooo whaaat? I was talking Americaaaaan." My sister and I just looked at each other and started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down. She had been talking to us every single day in English but somehow that was different in Kevina's world. Her friends apologized profusely, Kevina did not because she just couldn't believe (even when we told her) that, yes, we do understand "American".Saw This On Facebook... Lady Swears Her 3mo Pomeranian Will Grow Into A Black Lab Because She Has "Papers" That Say So
So this was actually an image post on fb, but can't post images here so I'll copy it word for word. I think it counts! "True story. A client just called for price of a bath and nails. I ask what kind of dog. She says, "I don't know what it is now, but when it grows up, it's going to be a black lab." I was dumbfounded, literally. I ask her how old it was, she said it was 3 months, so I'm thinking maybe 20 lbs max so I tell her maybe $20 - $25. Swear to God, the lady brings "Red" in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry but this is a pomeranian, and she tells me, "well I know it's going to be a black lab because I have papers at home." I pulled up pictures of labs and poms on the computer and I still think she believes it's going to be a black lab. I'm going home to drink wine."Reddit post
I got a text to come to the bridge. I got there and saw a group of guys singing and holding bottles of whiskey or vodka floating down the river on a couch strapped to barrels, followed by two guys, one wearing a dress, on a matching loveseat. Turns out they knew the bride-to-be didn't like the groom-to-be's furniture; it was exceptionally secondhand. So, they raided his place and emptied it of everything she didn't like as a pre-wedding present so that when she moved in, it would be ready for her to fill with the right stuff. Turns out that filling the river with garbage is not legal. A few days later, they were there digging stuff out with police supervision. And, it also turns out that new furniture and kitchenware is expensive. The bride was not happy.Reddit post
I (British) have always been mocked by my friend group for being posh. So much so, that for my stag, my friends came to my door dressed as royal guards and gave me a Queen Elizabeth II fancy dress outfit. We then proceeded around London on a 'royal-sounding' pub crawl. It was a phenomenal day. Tourists and locals were (mostly) finding it hilarious, and everyone was asking for pictures. We were so popular at the Buckingham Palace gates, I even got a picture of us all with a couple of armed police officers. This was September 2022. I'll let you guess what the breaking news that afternoon was, whilst I was significantly drunk in central London, dressed as Her Majesty. That day did not end well.Reddit post
I went to a stag night with a good friend from work. We went to a local strip club, and everything was going well until this knockout redhead got on stage to do her thing. She was maybe 30 seconds into her dance when we heard the first rumble. She was clearly having some bowel issues, and was holding back the tide as she soldiered through her dance. What happened next can only be described as an eruption. She started a move on the pole, and it just went. It hit the dance floor and splattered everywhere. Not one of us was spared. We all got dotted with brown, stinky splatter. Her thong made a perfect device for throwing the loose poo stream in separate directions. She rushed off stage, of course, leaving a crowd of people staring at one another in equal parts shock and amusement. Aside from the clothes dotted in watery poo, 10/10 evening, LOL.FidelCashflows247 reply
I was at airport security when a bachelor party was going through. The grooms bag was flagged and he was pulled aside. His friends all were smirking he looked bewildered. Security reached in and pulled out a can of beer with a MASSIVE dildo duct taped to it. He was mortified everyone started chanting for him to drink it and he chugged the beer at 6:30am with a dildo slapping him in the face. It was glorious.JohnGalt314 reply
A relationship that had been sidelined by infidelity (on his part) ended up back together. As good decisions go, they decided to push past the insecurities by getting married. He planned his own bachelor party and we were just along for the ride. Her one rule: no naked girls. The second stop of the evening (after the all-you-can-eat buffet) was of course a gentleman’s club. We all chipped in and got him a private dance or two, hoping to soon be on our way. Instead, he went off with two girls and was gone for almost an hour, racking up hundreds of $$$ in charges. We went to collect him and move on, “you guys got this covered right!?” No, bud. We already spent what we brought. Bouncers appear from nowhere and ‘politely’ prevent us from leaving until he’s settled up. I had to help him drunkenly activate the PIN on his credit card to visit the ATM. Guess who was monitoring his spending activity? He flew home to an empty apartment.joeedger reply
Guys having a bachelor party, getting sh**faced and all. Then they decide to play stupid games, one was that the groom wears rubber boots, and they spray construction foam into the boots so he cannot undress them. They fall asleep later, the groom in his boots. Next day they had to rush to the hospital as he couldn’t feel his feet no more. Turns out they „died off“ and they had to amputate both legs under the knees. All guys involved were prosecuted and the bride cancelled the marriage and relationship.RandomlyJim reply
I’ve told this story before. I was invited by a friend at the last minute to a stag night in Atlanta for a group i didn’t know. I grabbed a bag, packed for any and every occasion. Arrived at the grooms house to catch the coming limo when I heard a loud bang followed by cursing. Yep, the groom had been showing off his new .22 pistol and had accidentally shot the best man in the calf muscle. Rest of the night got weird. Random housewife’s blowing wedding party members in front of the crowd, strippers, IVs, dominatrix, and general chaos. All with a best man limping around with a fresh gunshot and a groom with a 20 pound bowling ball chained to his leg. I learned two things. 1) I didn’t pack for any and every occasion. 2) EMTs party harder than any group alive and we should all be scared of them.Show All 40 Upvotes
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The Kevin Who Alllllmost Made Perfect Sandwiches
This Kevin has been in my life since age 6. We grew up as friends, and I have many stories; this one is my favorite. Kevin got a job at a gas station/fast food place. During his first week there, they were training him on the sandwich line. He said everything was going well, and he had the manager there with him to help him out. He finally gets his first customer. The guy orders a steak and cheese. Keep in mind that a steak and cheese sub is Kevin's favorite food, and he makes good ones at home, so it should be no issue for him. Kevin makes the man's sandwich, and even the manager comments on his good job making it. Right as he was about to wrap the sandwich, the customer notices that he forgot to cut the sandwich and asks Kevin to do it. Kevin says, 'Oh ya, I forgot, sorry about that,' then proceeds to lay the sub down on its side and cut the sub long-ways. The manager and the customer are now just both staring at Kevin in complete disbelief. Finally, the manager asks him why he cut the sandwich like that, and Kevin responds with, 'That's how you showed me.' That was not how he was shown. So the manager and customer at this point start to laugh about it. The manager explains that in no way, shape, or form were you trained that way. He tells Kevin he can keep that sub for himself and to make the customer another one. Kevin makes another perfect sub and begins to wrap it up when the customer notices for a second time he didn't cut it. Now, to this day none of us could figure out what went through Kevin's mind, maybe he thought it would get a good laugh, maybe he was super hungry and thought he would get another free sandwich. All we know is that he laid that second sub down on its side and cut it long-ways again. Both the manager and the customer were upset by this point, and the manager sent Kevin away and made the sub himself. Kevin was removed from the sub station permanently and made into a cashier that shift (which there are more stories about). When I finally confronted Kevin about the story (other friends were around, too), I had to ask him: 'Kevin, if you had a long day at work and you're starving so you stop to pick up a steak and cheese on the way home, and right before they hand you what looks to be a delicious sub, they cut it in half like the way you did, would you accept that sub?' Kevin emphatically said with a look of disgust on his face: 'F*** no! I wouldn't take that sandwich.' He didn't understand our hysterical laughter.Kevina Doesn't Understand Body Temperature
So this happened a few years back. I apply for a new job which requires a drug test for all new employees. The company is relatively small and handles all of their drug testing in house using dipsticks. There is little to no supervision or protocols when you take the drug test. They literally hand your a cup, ask you to go into one of the bathrooms stalls (is not even a single stall bathroom), have you pee in a cup, then hand them the cup. They dip it right in front of you then you are done. Easy right? So Kevina comes out and hands her cup of urine to the supervisor, who then proceeds to test it. Supervisor looks up at Kevina and shows her the dipstick. Then this glorious conversation takes place. Supervisor: So you want to try again? Kevina (confused): No. You have my urine right there. Supervisor: Oh, so you're dead then? Kevina (more confused): Huh? Supervisor: Look, the urine you gave me was about 58 degrees Fahrenheit. Either you are lying or you are dead. And since you don't look or sound like a corpse, I'm going to assume that it is not your urine. Kevina: It is my urine! I am cold-blooded. That's all. Supervisor (chuckling): Are you trying to tell me that your natural body temperature is around 58 degrees? Kevina: Well I've never checked it, but yeah when I am nervous it's something around there. Needless to say, Kevina was sent home immediately and told not to come back.The Lights Are No Longer Left On For Mr. & Mrs. Kevin
It was not the sort of motel chain that brings to mind images of chocolates placed on pillows or romantic evenings in the hot tub; indeed, its signature decor can be seen in the background of certain low-budget rap videos and, I'm told, the occasional porno. However, Mr. and Mrs. Kevin made it their monthly romantic getaway. In fact, due to a generous corporate policy that directed managers to provide an extra night free of charge to soothe any complaining guests, for a period lasting a year or more, they succeeded in stretching their monthly getaway to two nights. Among the complaints that won them an extra night: --The room was full of bugs after they left the door open all evening --The toilet stopped flushing after they emptied their ashtray into it The manager eventually received permission from corporate to cap the number of free nights a guest could be eligible for. The Kevins were the only guests ever to reach this lifetime cap at our motel. Their shock over no longer having one free night a month did not end their regular getaway, however. That was achieved after an incident involving copious amounts of vomit. Mr. and Mrs. Kevin were informed that they were now on the no-rent list. Apparently, this monthly stay was important to their marriage, because a few months later the manager received a call from Mrs. Kevin's divorce attorney. What vital information did he need? He wanted to confirm that Mr. Kevin was responsible for both Kevins being banned from the motel. Yes, this was apparently part of the divorce proceedings. The manager explained that he considered each of them equally responsible, which was not the answer the attorney expected or wanted. Not long after, Mrs. Kevin called the front desk. "You have me banned under the name Jane Kevin," she announced. "But--" and here she could not hide her pleasure at her own cleverness, "that's not my name anymore. I got divorced, and now my name is Jane Kelly." The front desk employee, trying to hide their laughter, said, "Ok, we'll make sure to ban you under the name Jane Kelly, too." A gasp of dismay, and the line went dead.Rip Kevin
Firstly this isn't a dis on this Kevin. I loved him really, his name was actually Tommy and he was an amazing guy. He died yesterday afternoon and it kinda k***ed me inside. We all called him Kev or Kevin because of his kevin-like way of life. Here are some fun memories I have had with Kevin over the years. First time I met him was my first day at my new school. I had just moved from Arizona to Manhattan because my dad had taken on a new job. I was nervous as f**k and my teacher did little to help that, she introduced me, told everyone where I was from and all that s**t. She sat me at my desk and Kevin leaned over to me and asked me if "I lived in a trailer in the middle of the desert?" And when I told him no I lived in Prescott he then asked "what state is that in?". First time we "played out" together when we were around 14. We were on our bikes. Kevin fell off of his bike and broke his arm. Full on broken. Oddly shaped and massively swollen. He went three days before telling his mom that he had broken his arm because he thought "it would go back to normal". Kevin then started to experiment with drugs. As we all did when we were around 16. The first time we ever did mdma Kevin took his shoes off to be "at one with the earth." He stepped in dog s**t and then proceeded to walk through the entire house to get to the bath and wash his foot. He stepped out of the bath and slipped on his s****y footprint and knocked himself out on the toilet. On Kevin's 21st birthday he took his d**k out in public because he was "legally old enough". He thought gold was graded in Carrots not carats. He also thought that it was how many carrots it was worth back in the day. Kevins come in all different shapes and sizes but our Kevin was the best.Kevina Thinks She's Bilingual
Austrian here. My sister used to take in couch surfers from all across the world. Most were lovely fellas with interesting stories to tell. But one time, we hit the jackpot. We got a set of four American stereotypes. The ones that I used to think were only real in movies - and one of them was an air-headed cheerleader who was one hell of a pain. Since they're not relevant to the story, I won't go into detail about how rude and obnoxious Kevina behaved during the days leading up to the event - but let me tell you, at this point, even her friends were done with her. It's New Year's Eve, the couch surfers decide to stay with us instead of going out into the city and my sis and I go about our New Year's celebration the same way we always do - having fondue, dancing to "The Blue Danube" and watching Dinner for One. Midnight comes and goes and within less than five minutes, Kevina takes her laptop to the other room to videocall her parents - leaving the door open. And off she goes, complaining loudly about how my sister and I are "embarrassing as foooock" (literally how she pronounced it), how "that Austrian food we had suuuucked" (as much as I would love to claim fondue for our cuisine, the French would likely be opposed), how "the mountains looked fake" and what not. My sister and I were in the living room with the others, perfectly able to hear every single word while her friends turned red as tomatoes and started giving us apologetic looks. Cue Kevina's return - marching into the living room with the carefree attitude of the ignorant dumba*s. Kevina's friend: "Uhmm... Kevina... we heard you. All of us." Kevina: "Sooo whaaat? I was talking Americaaaaan." My sister and I just looked at each other and started laughing so hard, it took us a few minutes to calm down. She had been talking to us every single day in English but somehow that was different in Kevina's world. Her friends apologized profusely, Kevina did not because she just couldn't believe (even when we told her) that, yes, we do understand "American".Kevina Insists She Meant My 2 Year Old Nephew, 5 Years Ago
I was preparing for my baby shower. Kevina asked who would be there. Upon, hearing my 2 year old nephew would be there so she said “I haven’t seen him since your wedding 5 years ago”. Me “he’s 2. You have never met him.” Her “yes, I did at your wedding, he was the ring bearer.” Me “my wedding was 5 years ago, he’s 2.” Her “ he was your ring bearer” Me “ that was my cousin” Her “no, it was your nephew” Me “ I only have 1 nephew and he wasn’t born when I got married. The ring bearer was my cousin” Her “ your other nephew then” Me “ I only have 1.” Bust out a pic of my cousin “this boy, is my cousin”. Her “ no, that’s your nephew the ring bearer”. I don’t remember what finally convinced her but this went on for another 5 minutes.“Easy” A
When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Ec would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin. So, the Home Ec class is learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin is sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he runs his thumb through the feed dogs and punctures it several times. He calls out to the teacher for help. She comes over and asks him, “what did you do?” Kevin replies, “I did this,” and proceeds to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb.I’m Married To A Kevin
Oh the stories I have, I think my husband could be the king of all Kevin’s. One of my favorites is when he wanted to remove his back hair but no one was around to help. He is not a hairy person at all but when he gets something in his head he can’t stop thinking about it. His great idea was to get Nair body hair remover, spread it on the bathroom floor and lay in it. I can picture all 6’4” 300+lbs of him doing Nair angels in our bathroom. He gets in the shower and rinses it off and then goes about his day. Went to a work appointment, worked out at the gym, then picked up the kids from school. While walking out our son asked why he had a bald spot in the back of his head. OMG, he got Nair in his hair and had a perfect bald shaped 3 on the back of his head. After a few more days more hair fell out and it was a perfect 8. I could write a book on the stories I have of himSensible Sam And Kevin
Long time lurker, first time poster, throwaway account, on mobile, no one cares. This is about a Kevin in my program at college. She was actually a pretty mediocre kid, mostly, for the first few years. She scraped by in classes, had a few friends, and more than a few moments of pure, unadulterated Kevin-ness. Several highlights include jumping off a two story roof "to see what would happen," a complete inability to comprehend the difference between ice cream and gelato despite many attempts to explain it to her, and drinking an unspecified amount of espresso and spent the better part of an hour literally running in circles around the architecture building to burn off the energy. At one point, a boy about a year ahead of Kevin in the program took an interest her. Let's call him Sensible Sam (SS). SS and Kevin set up a date at a nice place just off campus. Kevin got understandably nervous before the date. Kevin's panic response was to drink an entire large milkshake immediately prior to meeting SS. Kevin is lactose intolerant. Kevin threw up. For some godforsaken reason, SS kept dating her. They actually fell head over heels for each other, and stayed together for years, despite the fact that Kevin: Suggested a lovely little downtown place for dinner. Got horribly lost and could find neither the restaurant nor the way back to campus. Has lived in this town for years. Accidentally claimed to be single just after her and SS's one year anniversary. Decided the minor side effects of her morning ADHD meds were not worth dealing with all day, so she started taking them at night. Her ADHD meds are effective for about six hours after being taken. She was almost entirely useless until she went to refill her prescription and her doctor told her what an idiot she is. Asked SS how to spell his last name. His last name is four letters. They had been dating for months at this point. Found a way onto the roof of the art building. Was not immune to getting in trouble after putting pictures on her Snapchat story instead of a group chat. Forgot her shoes on the "walk of shame." Twice. Tried to take SS to meet her parents. Somehow drove to the wrong state. Signed up for a class. Forgot about it for the entire semester. Failed because she never showed up. SS proposed a week ago. Still don't know why he deals with my dumb a*s. I got lucky, y'all.Saw This On Facebook... Lady Swears Her 3mo Pomeranian Will Grow Into A Black Lab Because She Has "Papers" That Say So
So this was actually an image post on fb, but can't post images here so I'll copy it word for word. I think it counts! "True story. A client just called for price of a bath and nails. I ask what kind of dog. She says, "I don't know what it is now, but when it grows up, it's going to be a black lab." I was dumbfounded, literally. I ask her how old it was, she said it was 3 months, so I'm thinking maybe 20 lbs max so I tell her maybe $20 - $25. Swear to God, the lady brings "Red" in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry but this is a pomeranian, and she tells me, "well I know it's going to be a black lab because I have papers at home." I pulled up pictures of labs and poms on the computer and I still think she believes it's going to be a black lab. I'm going home to drink wine."The Most Kevinly Kevin I Remember
I think it was sophomore year of high school when a friend outted himself as a Kevin. He seemed like a normal guy until one day... Some of us were talking about the walk home from school. Kevin said he hated his walk home because it took him almost an hour. I'd been to his house before and it was only a few blocks from the school, so I asked why it took so long. Kevin explains that because of all the one-way streets, the walk to school is pretty quick, but to get home, he has to take a different, much longer route.Pill Pooping Kevin
A few years back, one of my husband's fraternity brothers stayed with us for a long weekend so he could attend some reunion-type thing. I'm fairly sure he's a Kevin. Since hubby and I had a long-standing family obligation on Friday night, Kevin was left to his own devices in the house. I knew this wouldn't end well, but I was expecting get the dog drunk type antics. Nope, Kevin went in the freezer for some ice cream, or maybe he was just being nosy. Anyhow, he saw some unlabeled tablets in a blister pack and decided they were drugs. Why? Who knows what goes on in the mind of a Kevin. Hubby and I aren't the types to have anything stronger than Advil in the house. Regardless, he popped a couple. After an hour or so of nothing happening, he decided to take 4 more. When we got home, Kevin informed us that we'd better ask for a refund because those pills in the freezer were duds! What pills? The ones in our freezer? That's cheese curdling enzymes called rennet. I'd been going through a phase of learning to make my own cheese. Rennet is a necessary ingredient that comes in that form and is best stored in the freezer. It absolutely will not make you high. In that quantity, it will cause severe gastric distress best not observed in nature. I will never forget the sounds that came from the bathroom all Saturday. Don't take mystery pills from the freezer, Kevin. They're not all gonna be drugs.derpymcdooda reply
The groom was absolutely p**s drunk and we were walking to the next spot. He approaches a lady and says, "Oh my God your dog is so beautiful! And so are you! Can I get your number?" And she says yeah but before she finishes he goes, "SIKE I'm getting married hahahaha!" And starts sprinting down the street and jumped over another person in the party. Just took off giggling. in.love.with.taylor.swift • is following 8 people
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