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Let's start with a disclaimer right away - it's damn impolite, inappropriate, and simply bad to insult others. And we don't want you to regard this post as a call to action. At the same time, let's just agree that there are situations when you need to defend yourself in a verbal skirmish - and then this selection of masterpieces of the 'noble art of insulting' would perhaps come in handy to you.
Well, and just reading stories, admiring the skill and wit of people completely unknown to us - this is also damn interesting and exciting. So, let's perceive the two dozen stories published below as just one big stand-up. After all, why not?
More info: Reddit
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#1
I have long hair and am a dude, of course there is all the unoriginal "girl haha" or "hippie/stoner" comments, but once in drama a kid walked up to me and said "hey Ashton how were the rapunzel tryouts?" And I f*****g lost it. 10/10 original and funny.
Jeremy James 7 months ago
I used to get asked all the time at work, "Are you a man or a woman?" I'd say, "Depends. How much you got?"
RELATED:
#2
"Still a virgin?"
"No, go ask your sister."
"I don't have a sister you moron."
"Wait 9 months".
#3
Heard some southern lady make a comment about a loud young man berating his server at a restaurant I worked at.
"Well, seems he's got plenty of steam to blow his whistle, but not enough to run the train. Bless his heart.".
Superb Owl 7 months ago
In certain parts, you seem to be allowed to say anything about anyone, as long as you finish with "bless his/hers/their heart".
Now that we have already mentally prepared you for what awaits you next - and perhaps you have already read a couple of witty stories - let's turn to the original source. As often happens, it was the AskReddit community, where the user u/MiniSamuroid once asked netizens: "What is the best insult someone has said to you?"
Almost two thousand upvotes and over 1.1K various comments were the result of this question - and in these comments, in fact, there is a real treasure trove of lively people's wit. So now let's go on reading these small tales selected for you by Bored Panda!
#4
My dad used to tell me:
*You're not useless, son - you can always be used as a terrible example.*.
#5
I am a dude who's only 5'2". A girl in high school once asked me if I wanted to go *up* on her.
#6
Not necessarily an insult, but one of my buddies likes to give people a hard time and our waiter in the restaurant in Nashville was named Richard. My friend asked him "is it okay if I call you D**k?" to which the waiter immediately replied, "you can call me whatever's on your mind, bud." We all thought it was hilarious.
No matter how witty the insult is, it's almost always a violation of someone's personal boundaries. And the further development of the situation actually depends on the correct response to the insult. Today, showing that the offender's words didn't hurt you at all is probably the most correct response. In the old days, an insult had to be answered with an even more sophisticated punchline.
#7
I told someone i [was intimate with] their mom and they said “no wonder I’m so ugly” respect. He roasted himself to make a godly roast to me.
turtleRoosevelt 7 months ago
Am I the only one who had to read this 17 times over because of the stupid edit?
#8
My friend and I did odd yardwork jobs around our neighborhood to earn money- one day we were pushing a large trash can a block from my house to another to clean up yard waste. This girl that was probably in high school at the time (I was in middle school I think) was sitting on her porch and said: “you guys moving?”
Still funny to me 25 years later.
Wild Cream 7 months ago
I feel like that would have gone right over my head until about 2 minutes down the street 😂
#9
I had puffy hair at the time and was wearing all black.my friend told me that I looked like emo Ronald McDonald.
"The history of witty insults actually goes back to ancient times, when human speech was sometimes the only source of entertainment for many people. Especially when the vast majority could neither read nor write," says Valery Bolgan, a historian and editor-in-chief of the Intent news agency from Ukraine, whom Bored Panda asked for a comment.
"That's why people have been honing the verbal component of their wit for centuries. In ancient times, before the start of a battle, leaders or individual warriors would ride out in front of their army and begin to insult their enemies and their leaders as offensively and wittily as actually possible. It was really important not to resort to direct insults. The more refined the punchline was, the better."
#10
"You have less folds on your brain than the towels in my drawer." -Random guy on Xbox Live.
#11
Not said to me, but I felt this instance is worthy.
I was getting the sex of my child determined when my wife was pregnant.
Lady that was using the ultrasound was struggling to see if there [were male genitalia] or not.
She goes "I guess little things run in the family?"
She said it jokingly and I wasn't offended, but it pissed my wife off for some reason and she claps back with "Nah, just no one is happy to see you."
I nervously laughed to try to ease the tension in the air but it was useless. The damage was done.
XenoMurph 7 months ago (edited)
With our 20 week ultrasound the first contact of the "wand" with my wife's bump clearly showed the gender. Neither the ultrasounderist?? nor my wife saw as they were both looking at the placement of the wand on her bump. I spent 30 seconds smiling, being the only person in the world who knew we were going to have a daughter. 18 yrs later it's still one of the most treasured moments of my life.
"As a result, victory in such a verbal confrontation was considered the first step to victory on the battlefield, inspired the warriors. Because when your enemy is humiliated and disgraced - you feel superior to them. In many historical epics describing large-scale battles - for example, in Homer's 'Iliad', there are examples of such verbal duels," Valery sums up.
"Today, in the age of the Internet, we have the opportunity to repeatedly hone our punchlines before uttering them to another person's face. And largely because of this, the talent of improvisational wit has been irretrievably lost by many people..."
#13
I was kidding with my ex and she told me I was old so I told her she was fat. She replied, "I can lose weight.".
Michael Largey 7 months ago
Lady Astor: "Churchill, you are drunk!" Churchill: "And you, madam, are ugly. The difference is that in the morning I shall be sober."
#14
"I don't want to see you anymore." Then she took off her glasses.
#15
I was once told I was more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
RagDollLali 7 months ago
Seriously though, does anyone else think that pretzel in the picture looks amazing??? 🤤
However, today, we have a lot of professional advice on how to deal with verbal insults - even if you are amazed by the wit of the person who insulted you. For example, Ajita Robinson, a therapist in Bethesda, Md., recommends using football terminology when saying things like, "Hey, flag on the play." This suggests that you believe another person has committed "a penalty."
"It’s lighthearted, but sends a signal that the comment or interaction has crossed a boundary," Time quotes Ajita Robinson in this dedicated article. In addition, some experts also believe that being offended by an insult is actually taking it to heart.
"We need never take offense at an insult. Offense exists not in the insult but in our reaction to it, and our reactions are completely within our control," Neel Burton, M.D., a psychiatrist, philosopher, and writer from Oxford, UK, says in his article on Psychology Today. "If we take offense at [someone's] bad behavior, we have only ourselves to blame."
#16
I was standing next to a friend who was scratched on the face, and someone said "what's wrong with your face?" And I said "me?" And she said "No your friend here has a a scratch on their face, you're just unfortunate.".
#17
"You look like you struggle with simple tasks." That was just Trevor on GTA V, but I took offense.
#18
“You have pretty eyes, pretty lips, pretty nose and nice eyebrows, they just look weird combined on your face”.
Wild Cream 7 months ago
What was that tiktok trend a few months ago, something about “good facial features, bad facial harmony” or something? 😂
In any case, we strongly believe that all of you, readers of this post, are exceptionally well-mannered and polite people, so you'll perceive all of these almost three dozen mini-tales as simply an example of good sarcastic humor. Well, and if you write in the comments your own examples of brilliant insults ever heard by you - we'll be doubly grateful to you as well!
#19
Me: singing along to a song on the radio.
Co-worker: "Hey, do you know who sings this song?"
Me: "Oh yeah, it's "
Co-worker: "Yeah, lets keep it that way.".
Roshan Kassan 7 months ago
When i drive with my kid and i sing, she rolls the window down and begs for mercy to other motorists. I sing louder
#20
My brother once told me he was going to dress up like me and then beat the s**t out of himself in front of a mirror
It's been a favorite ever since.
#21
I was complaining about the shirt my mom bought me for homecoming in 8th grade. I understand now that times were tight and I should've just been appreciative. She called me a fat slug that looked like a wet sock and I still remember it now at 27.
#22
So I'm a big guy, and obviiusly as a big guy you get bullied a lot. The best insult my bullies ever said to me was" shut your 500 pound teletubby lookin a*s up". I still laugh hysterically about it 8 years later.
Gen X Feral 7 months ago
The bully is gonna be looking pretty dang funny chasing his own teeth down the street.
#23
Someone called me a burnt piece of cabbage once...
My therapist thought the insult was so good he’s charging me double.
#24
“I’m going to paint you green and spank you like the disobedient avocado that you are.”.
#25
You look just like that guy over there
It was a mirrored glass. I've never been so offended in my life.
#26
“Your forehead is practically diagonal.”.
Dread Pirate Roberts 7 months ago
Family member of mine had an ID picture come out weird and said it made her feel like a mutant from the planet Forehead 😂 I almost choked on my chicken wing.
#27
"Sid the sloth looking a*s".
#28
I was playing a game and a dude said "I hope your mom gets diagnosed with cancer but later finds out it's nothing so you got worried over nothing".
What do you think ?
Lee Gilliland 7 months ago
I once agreed to something an enemy said, and her reaction was "I'm not going to allow you to agree with me." I responded that that was too stupid to be a sentence.
Doug Moyer 7 months ago
Not a single clever insult. Weaker than a password made of ‘1234’ and good intentions...
Lee Gilliland 7 months ago
I once agreed to something an enemy said, and her reaction was "I'm not going to allow you to agree with me." I responded that that was too stupid to be a sentence.
Doug Moyer 7 months ago
Not a single clever insult. Weaker than a password made of ‘1234’ and good intentions...
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