Here Are The Funniest 2024 Anti-Valentine’s Day Promotions

Who Gives A Crap, a company that makes recycled toilet paper from bamboo has come back with its “Flush Your Ex” campaign after “popular demands,” it stated in an official release.

“We’re once again turning your ex’s empty promises into something useful this Valentine’s Day: 100% recycled toilet paper!” the company wrote.

Customers are invited to mail leftover love letters “taking up psychic space in your sock drawer” to the company’s production facilities, “where we magically transform their BS into TP.”

The company added: “Because nothing says closure like knowing that someone, somewhere, is putting those sweet nothings exactly where they belong.”

For those in the midst of a breakup or suffering from heartbreak this Valentine’s Day, one company wanted to provide a unique way to gain some closure by introducing the “Scrap Your Ex” scheme.

Vehicle scrappage comparison site Scrap Car Comparison asked its readers: “What better way to let go of the past and indulge in some proper ‘car-tharsis’?” as it offered to name an old car about to hit the scrap heap after an ex-partner “and waving their namesake car out of your life for good.”

The company promised the (un)lucky lovers who do get the opportunity to scrap their ex photographic evidence of the deed once it has happened, “providing the ultimate heartbreak healer.”

The Brookfield Zoo is once again offering you the chance to name a cockroach in honor of that un-special (or special) someone in your life. 

You can name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after your ex (or anyone) for Valentine's Day with a $15 donation that supports the zoo.

You'll receive a Certificate of Naming in your donation receipt that you can fill out and share or hang on your wall as a reminder that a cockroach now bears that name. 

You'll still receive placement on the Cockroach Naming Board posted outside of the Hamill Family Play Zoo, located in Illinois, USA.  

The Daily Dish, a restaurant located in Silver Spring, Maryland, USA, will be offering a special à la carte Anti-Valentine’s Day menu, encouraging singles to “dive into an anti-Valentine’s Day rebellion with these bites and cocktails that defiantly untangle the conventional love narratives.”

The venue has prepared some hilariously-named cocktails for the occasion, including a “Wasn’t Mint To Be,” a “Sex on the Beach… For One,” a “Crying Cupid Cosmo,” and a “Your Relationship On the Rocks.”

Additionally, hungry uncoupled individuals will be able to indulge in a plate of “Untie The Knot,” consisting of garlic knots, or try the “Block The Ex” dish (bacon-wrapped scallop), as well as the “Not-Your-Fairytale Pumpkin,” made of beet with pumpkin crostata.

You can release the tension at an axe-throwing bar named Kick Axe Philly's, located in Philadelphia, USA, for its “5th Annual 'Axe your Ex' Valentine's Day event.”

The venue promoted the event further: “Hit the bullseye by bringing your fav single lads or ladies for the perfect #Galentines or #Palentines Day activity!”

Kick Axe encouraged ax throwers to “bring a photo, poem, song lyrics, whatever reminds you of that EX-special someone to place on the TARGET & let loose in a harmless, cathartic way.” 

Pizza Hut announced a new Valentine's Day offering called Goodbye Pies with the launch of its new sweet yet spicy Hot Honey pizza. 

“There’s a misconception that breakups don't happen around Valentine's Day, but research shows it's actually a holiday centered around the most heartbreak, with 45% of people agreeing it's better to do the deed right before the holiday itself,” The pizza chain stated in a press release.

Pizza Hut highlighted the Red Tuesday phenomenon, which is the Tuesday before Valentine's Day, when people break up most often in the year.

As a result, the company launched new, limited-edition Hot Honey "Goodbye Pies" to “help deliver spicy news in a sweet way for FREE.”

“By sending a Goodbye Pie, Pizza Hut will help you break up with your significant other by delivering a personalized, simple message on custom packaging with a sweet and spicy Hot Honey pizza to ease the pain,” the company wrote.

The custom Goodbye Pie pizza boxes also leave a space on the top for the break-upper's name to be added.

Asian-fusion cuisine restaurant chain P.F. Chang has planned to transform Valentine's breakup tears into triumphant cheers for the freedom of single life. 

“A breakup text is now the golden ticket to free DUMPlings* at P.F. Chang’s this month as the brand unveils a new program that spreads a little joy through a free six count of dumplings for the broken-hearted,” the chain wrote in a press release.

While P.F. Chang hosts many couples for Valentine’s dates, the brand wants to treat fans who are in need of some heartbreak comfort food, the company revealed.

P.F. Chang went on to encourage new singles to text the chain with CHANGSDUMPLINGS and their breakup story or screenshot to receive instructions for redeeming a six-count of shrimp or pork dumplings in a restaurant or via delivery.

This Valentine’s Day season, bakery chain Insomnia Cookies is offering a breakup box of cookies called the “It’s not you, it’s me” pack, as per Nation’s Restaurant News.

This customizable 12-pack of cookies allows the heartbreaker to pick from one of four messages to send to their soon-to-be ex-sweetheart, ranging from “It’s not me, it’s you” to “I have the hots for your roommate” and the creatively cookie-themed “you’re sweet but not my flavor.” 

Customers can choose to stuff the box with classic Insomnia Cookies or go with the Valentine’s Day-themed ‘Red Velvet Cookies ‘n Cream Brookie’ for an upcharge.

The American Writers Museum invites love skeptics, heartbreak survivors, and those who have had enough of Cupid’s arrows to rejoice and join them for a night of unapologetic revelry and celebration at an event called Get Lit: Down With Love.

There, people can take part in the Rejection Open Mic and share rejection letters or stories of their own. After the reading, individuals can shred the letter and release it into the ether. 

The museum also encourages people to create hilariously sarcastic, anti-love cards for their friends (or enemies) at the Un-Valentine's Day Card Station. “We’ll even mail them out for you (for a small fee),” the institution wrote in a press release.

People can unleash their creative energy at the Shatter Your Sorrows station, where they can decorate a plate with vibrant expressions of their emotions before ceremoniously shattering it in the love-themed pop-up rage room.

The museum also offers a game where you can test your aim at Cupid’s Precision Payback and see if you can hit Cupid as he flies around the museum.