“I Really Wanted This Baby”: Man Grieves Aborted Child, Asks The Internet For Perspective
Interview With Expert
There’s really no definite answer to when’s the best time to have kids. Some people might start planning a pregnancy after finishing their studies, reaching a career milestone, feeling financially stable, or simply being emotionally ready to welcome a new life into the world.
This married couple decided to wait until the wife’s business became successful. After a while, it did, and they got pregnant. However, they didn’t even get to announce it to anyone when their 17-year-old daughter rushed in crying, telling them she was expecting a baby. Such news put a wrench in their plans, forcing the wife to give up the motherly role and transition into grandparenthood, which the husband wasn’t happy with.
Scroll down to find the full story and a conversation with Pamela Peters, MFTC, a Denver-based relationship therapist, who kindly agreed to answer some questions about becoming young grandparents.
There’s no definite answer as to when to have kids. However, it so happened that this mother and daughter got pregnant at the same time
Image credits: freestocks.org / pexels (not the actual photo)
The mother was weirded out by this, which led to her terminating the pregnancy
Image credits: Prostock-studio / pexels (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Remote-Barber-
Adjusting to grandparenthood can be challenging, especially when this role is assigned to parents at a younger age
Instead of being a mother, the wife, Amelia, decided that her life could also be fulfilling as a grandmother. However, adjusting to grandparenthood can be challenging, especially when this role is assigned to parents at a younger age.
Bored Panda reached out to Pamela Peters, MFTC, a Denver-based relationship therapist, who explains that one of the difficulties they may face is being surprised that their child (presumably a young one) is going to have a baby.
She further tells us, “The pregnancy could have been unplanned, which can cause anxiety and stress for the new grandparents. An older grandparent will probably not be blindsided by the idea of becoming a grandparent like a young grandparent might be.”
The idea of a new baby might bring conflicting feelings such as deep love, disappointment, and loss. Realizing and coming to terms with these emotions is a good first step to transitioning into grandparenthood. “Finding someone you trust to share these vulnerable feelings with will be invaluable. This could be a close friend, a family member, or a therapist,” advises Peters.
Becoming a young grandparent also means having more physical energy than an older one, as well as fewer health issues
Something that can help navigate these challenges is grieving the loss of an empty nest. Perhaps the parents were looking forward to having kids out of the house with more freedom and independence to travel and enjoy activities that they put on hold to care for their children. With a new grandchild on the way and sometimes additional childcare responsibilities, they can be deprived of such liberties.
“Realize this is a loss. It is normal to have feelings of sadness, anger, and denial around this loss,” says Peters. “It is also a good idea to determine your own boundaries around what responsibilities you are willing to take on and those you are not. If your grandchild(ren) needs full-time childcare, help your child figure out some alternatives to you being the sole daycare provider. Finances should also be considered. What type of financial support do your child and grandchild need, and what are you willing to offer?”
On the bright side, becoming a young grandparent also means having more physical energy than an older one, as well as fewer health issues. Peters mentions that this can be extremely beneficial when helping parents with sleepless nights in the infant stage and when chasing after an energetic toddler.
“You may also get to see much more of your grandchild’s life milestones than if you were older. You may even get to see your grandchild’s own children or grandchildren,” Peters cheerfully adds.
The husband jumped to the comments to answer some questions
Readers validated the husband’s feelings
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Pregnant woman gets final decision, but I think she rushed into it. Either that or she really didn't want another child (and/or to go thru pregnancy) and grabbed this excuse.
“Pregnant woman gets final decision.” Louder for those in charge who are hard of hearing!
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I would have considered abortion too. But for different reasons. No matter how much I would've loved to have another child with my husband, this decision isn't about that baby alone. It's about being able to take care and provide for two babies (And a little boy. And a teen mom). It's about getting the responsibility for a newborn while you're a heavily pregnant working mother. If you know in advance that this will be too much, that you won't be able to be the (grand) mother you need to be, abortion is a good decision.
NTA. It wouldn't surprise me if things went from lukewarm to ice cold in the bedroom because of this. The wife forgot that it takes TWO people to have a marriage. They may stay together, but things will never be the same again. The trust has turned to ashes, and the love may not be far behind.
Trust is rarely ever completely whole after broken.
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I've known quote a few people whose aunts and uncles have been younger than them, it's not uncommon, what the hell?
I come from a large family with ages very spread out. My youngest sister is only about six months older than her(our) niece.. And I too, know of a few families with younger Uncles/Aunts.
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NTA. Ultimately, it's her body, her choice. But that's not what he's asking here. He's asking if he's TA for being upset about it (as in BECAUSE it's ultimately her choice, do "I" really have the right to be upset? That's a big YES. This was a planned pregnancy, so, again, that gives him the right to be upset and NTA about feeling that way. I feel she might have just wanted another child because of the lack of being there for her daughter. Not only is the daughter back, but a pregnant teenager. The chances of the wife now raising that child (her granddaughter) without physical risk of carrying it is high. I have an exBIL that had an uncle 2 years younger than himself. Noone in that family or anyone else saw disgust in the situation. Her excuse sounds fishy.
She was from a Mennonite community and had to leave her daughter behind with her ex husband. So the mom has so many problems, but had a bad experience with a therapist and has trauma from that.
Bored Panda, whatever your stance on abortion, it's really wrong to use photos of heavily pregnant women and bodies to illustrate an article like this. Most abortion takes place in the first trimester, long before this stage is reached. If someone is aborting at this stage, it is because of a severe health issue.
Sounds you wanted to have this baby but she didn’t and now she has an excuse not to have it.
I'm all for right to choose, but this is honestly just a really selfish reason imo
However, maybe this isn't the real reason. Maybe she just didn't want another child but had baby fever and now that she's getting a grandchild, she can have both. In which case, makes a lot more sense and I can't say I blame her. Babies are a ton of work. So if you can have a baby around to satiate that baby fever but give it back to its parents when you want time to yourself, more power to you! Don't think he's the a*s for being upset. But mom isnt ta either. Edited: noticed my comment said is when it should have said isn’t about mom being TA
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NTA. Look, she gets to make this decision. No question. BUT she's also in a serious relationship. Making such a decision *with* your partner is a matter of respect. She gets to make the final choice, but come on. I 100% agree the wrong person is getting the abortion. But I also agree with the person guessing her reasoning being she gets the baby without the responsibility. And that's totally fine. Even reasonable. But have the difficult conversation with each other. But one final thing. She gets to make the final choice. But he also has every right not to be okay with it. And he has every right to leave her for it. And every right to be upset with her for it. You can respect her choice but that doesn't mean he's without choice.
What kind of lunatic is this wife ? Aborting her own planned - for pregnancy because the wayward daughter " got pregnant " ? Disgaceful.
It seems as if your wife was, somehow, willing to swap her own child and yours for that of her daughter. Perhaps she thinks she can mother her daughter's child without having to give birth herself to do it. It's her body and her decision, but I'm disappointed that the basis of this abortion is something so superficial. To be honest, I appreciate that you don't want to break up a home, but it will take a heavy toll on you and your son.
K, I don't get the presumptions about the teen mom making her parents raise her baby. I've known a lot of teen moms who have raised their babies. I was 17 when I got pregnant and raised my kid with her dad, for half way. Of course grandparents are going to be there for some support and help, when needed, and when they want to volunteer. However, neither of our parents provided any babysitting for the first few years and only provided any support and help as long as we both were doing something to advance in life, like finishing HS, taking a college course, working, etc. I took our kid to all her appts., lived with us, school drop off and pick up, ran errands with her, took her to visit with our friends, to the park and other fun places, helped her with her homework, etc. Of course her grandparents spent some time with her, took her camping, and stuff like that. But they are active in our lives, not just around for the holidays, either way. I just don't get what people are saying.
I was also 17 when I got pregnant. 18 when he was born, but barely. Dad had just turned 20 the same month I turned 18. Our son is a happy, healthy, almost 12 year old who just got his first pitt hairs and is so proud of it! 🤣🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ I also have a 9 year old son. And my fiancé are expecting our (my third, his first) son this June. This baby cost us a good bit of money and we planned for four years before being able to have him. I had to have a tubal reversal to have him, so in my mind, I can’t imagine this thought process. BUT it’s not my life either or the same circumstances. My bet is this wasn’t the real reason. Just the reason she gave. But regardless, the daughter is more than capable. I did it all on my own except the first year and weekends after that. Same with my second. Except every other weekend with him. I would not have turned out as well as I have if I hadn’t had my kids, honestly
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This relationship is unbalanced in some of the worst ways. Ways they didn't even know existed until the most extreme situation showed up. I imagine it deteriorating over the next few years. Massive difference in core values. Same thing happened to me. My wife unilaterally decided to do this, and then that aspect of our relationship died. Took a few years, but she wasn't the person I thought I married.
Prefnant parent gets to determine if the baby is brought to term, but bringing a baby home requires two party consent. Some commenters seem to be missing this parenthood requires consent, if you are the pregnant one or not. Sure, the pregnant parent has more options, they can leave, raise the kid elsewhere, but forcing parenthood on anyone is wrong. That's not what this post is about, but it is a glaring omission from some of the comments.
Parenthood absolutely *does not* require consent. Not in the slightest. If someone impregnates a person with a womb they have 100% control in whether that person becomes a parent. It's their choice.
Load More Replies... Grieve, feel your feelings. It's ok to be angry, sad, whatever. Talk it though with a friend. When you're ready, talk to your wife. Be careful not to let bitterness in or your marriage is done. You don't want to lose your family over what might have been. It sounds like you'll be called on as grandparents for a lot of support with Kate's baby, honestly understandable not to have twins in the house, but whatever else was going on. Bringing a baby into the home has to be not just ok but enthusiastic yes with both parties. I'm sorry you didn't get that, but grieve and rejoin the family, your new grandbaby will arrive soon.
He certainly doesn't seem to have any choice regarding having a baby in the house though. Wife has also *decided* she wants THAT baby. So he is getting very little input in his own life.
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Sure. No question. But his feelings on the matter are entirely valid regardless of whether he has say in the choice.
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I feel like the wife knew she was going to end up caring for two babies, and that doing so would sideline her business, exhaust her, place a huge strain on your marriage etc. She was probrably afraid that refusing to care for the grandchild, or pushing for abortion or adoption would alienate her from her daughter completely. Especially if she had a baby of her own at the same time. Your wife probrably felt she had to choose between her daughter and her pregnancy, and chose the child she already had, and her future grandbaby. Refusing to discuss it may well have been because it was not something she would have willingly chosen to do, but felt forced into by circumstances, and she was afraid you would talk her out of it. Trying to care for two infants and run a business, is not an easy thing. Risking losing her daughter again, by not supporting her, is not an easy thing. Ending a pregnancy she wanted is not an easy thing. Talk to her. Grieve. Get couples counselling.
I'd like to know how old she is (since they wanted to get pregnant before she turned 40)... if she's in her late 30's she may have become increasingly aware of the risks of a geriatric pregnancy. And she might have second thoughts about pausing her career, etc. Now she can be fully involved in helping out her daughter and grandchild. She may have made a very logical decision, even though her husband disagreed. If the husband had to pause his career and withstand the negative effects on his body that pregnancy brings... and has to risk his life during labour, and has to still have the energy to raise a 7 year old and help with a grandchild, he'd have second thoughts too.
Such a painful story. She acted too rashly, though I understand the likely mindsets behind taking such a drastic action. It's absolutely her choice, but I also understand OP's pain. This was a future he was looking toward with so much anticipation, and without much fanfare she unilaterally came home and told him she ended that future. There's nothing wrong with him grieving that future, and he's not wrong to experience the hurt and massive loss of trust that followed.
Interesting that no one has commented about the pregnant daughter. Mom getting an abortion is (apparently) fine but no comment on a 17 year old having a kid? A 17 year old who has apparently been having problems for the last 10 years, getting kicked out of first Mom's home, then Dad's home. Is her BF even still in the picture? Is he another kid? What are the chances they're going to break up soon (if they haven't already)? Honestly, it's pretty terrible that she's essentially dumping her problems on her Mum.
Probably one of the most complicated situations I've read about. Especially only having one side, but regardless, you are never an ahole for your own feelings. Feeling disrespected and angry over your loved ones choices is a right as a human being. The Ahole comes into play when we start factoring in how you act on them.
I get that this is very complex for the mother, and I feel for her, but in a marriage you need to discuss the big things and come to a decision together somehow.
You do not abort a baby. You abort a fetus or embryo, but no one ever aborted a baby. Other than that - where did you two lose each other regarding this? You only have limited time to decide, and maybe that was making her rush it?
Baby is a baby. Embryo, fetus, infant, toddler, are all terms of developmental stages of a baby.
Load More Replies... His feelings are valid, even though ultimately, it is her decision. He feels angry that his wife would abort HIS baby apparently without a second thought, while being all for her daughter's baby. And I think that's valid. She seems to care more for *her* bloodline than his feelings in the matter. Which would hurt him deeply.
Ok, ok, we women get the final say because it's generally more fair this way than the other. BUT in this case, it wasn't fair. His wife tossed this baby they BOTH wanted before without even mentioning it to him. They took the decision to try for a new baby together, they got pregnant together (hopefully), they were both excited about the baby... and she decided to abort? It makes me doubt the story is real because who abords a wanted, expected child?! In any case, yes, she has the "right" to abord. Yet this particular situation makes her a total monster.
It's likely real, but her reason for doing it may not be
Load More Replies... It's fine to feel whatever you're feeling, but you can always adopt. Terminating this pregnancy doesn't mean no more kids, just not one at this time. Don't build it up in your mind as a disaster, it'll ruin you.
Not his uterus, not his choice. Yes, they should have talked it over, but in the end she makes the final call.
So sorry this happened. I say this as a person a few years older but mom and daughters having children at or around the same time use to be common. However I get her not wanting to do 2 babies at once. Taking your opinion and trashing it for a garbage reason that is well unacceptable. You married your supposed to make joint decisions. It was cold to say the least. Yes the daughter wants to keep the baby but not to be the parent. She wants to keep it a secret. It's a child that's not a secret. What happens when she's 9moths pregnant in school. Her aside abortion can be traumatic. But doing this for someone else's benefit no. It's going to flip roll turn sideways and skid. Talk to your wife. Try individual therapy and couples maybe family. You should consider therapy and the teen definitely needs it too. Completely your decision if you want marriage therapy. Wife needs to understand how you feel. Hoping for the best.
nta, how OP feels is valid. his feelings are valid and i hope he can talk to someone to express that in a healthy way. sounds like the wife maybe didnt want the baby in the first place. not really. she didnt seem to take any time to reach that decision (from what is posted here, obviously we cant see her thought process). its her body and of course she gets the ultimate say no matter what. her decision seems odd to me, but im not her, im pro choice but aborting bc she thinks having a kid younger than her grandchild is disgusting? how is having a kid younger than your grandchild disgusting? i mean candy corn is disgusting (imo). if her pregnancy was a few weeks ahead of her daughters pregnancy would she still think it disgusting? honestly im not sure op's wife wanted to have another baby. sounds more like she said okay bc she knew it was what op wanted.
I'm not a believer in abortion, and I am a girl btw. So I definitely think that the comments about it being 100% the wife's decision is not fair, it takes 2 to put the kid in the womb and it's not fair that decision falls on only one to kill it or not. This man should take his son and get a divorce because it is clear that his wife does not respect him, they decided together to have another kid. What gives her the right to back out of their plan without his opinion or feelings even taken into account? I get that it's her body but it's not even like it was a sudden thing, this was planned. I know this will be an unpopular opinion but perhaps there are others out there in the world that share my thoughts on the subject.
She was a shite mum the first go so why would you want to be a parent with her to begin with? Her daughter didn’t deserve a mum who absconded her and started a new family. She was a teen mum and history repeats itself because she wasn’t there for her daughter! You and your wife will be raising this kid now anyhow. The teen will realize she wanted the baby because she wanted ultimate love she never had from her mum and then she wakes up to see how hard it is. So you'll defacto have that baby you wanted at some point. I don’t think your wife deserves to be lauded as the best mum when she wasn’t to her FIRST CHILD. You dodged a bullet with the abortion to be honest….
Now boredpanda deletes comments like the nazis they are... you are all murderers!!!!
Who and why? Who are you to consider anybody a murderer, and on what rational reasoning do you found your verdict? Please deliver facts, please deliver sources, please be rational and objective. And, fellow pro-choicers - don't downvote her (is it her?) this time, let's have that debate, let's see how well the condemnation of choice can be reasoned. If there's rationally sound reasons to not support choice, I'm eager to get to know about these, because, as of now, they haven't happened to meet me. Yet? Yet, but that's besides.
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No way in he11, would I stay with a woman who killed my kid. And my son would know why we split up the rest of his life
Your wife was so wrong not to take your feelings into consideration at all into her decision. The baby was your baby as well and she didn't care at all. Personally I would take your son and file for divorce. Its obvious to me that she only cares about her daughter at this point and what will keep her happy. I say kick her to the curb and find someone to have another baby with, just not her.
To this specific person. Maybe and maybe not. Has the situation ever happened to someone? Most definitely.
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Pregnant woman gets final decision, but I think she rushed into it. Either that or she really didn't want another child (and/or to go thru pregnancy) and grabbed this excuse.
“Pregnant woman gets final decision.” Louder for those in charge who are hard of hearing!
Load More Replies... I would have considered abortion too. But for different reasons. No matter how much I would've loved to have another child with my husband, this decision isn't about that baby alone. It's about being able to take care and provide for two babies (And a little boy. And a teen mom). It's about getting the responsibility for a newborn while you're a heavily pregnant working mother. If you know in advance that this will be too much, that you won't be able to be the (grand) mother you need to be, abortion is a good decision.
NTA. It wouldn't surprise me if things went from lukewarm to ice cold in the bedroom because of this. The wife forgot that it takes TWO people to have a marriage. They may stay together, but things will never be the same again. The trust has turned to ashes, and the love may not be far behind.
Trust is rarely ever completely whole after broken.
Load More Replies... I've known quote a few people whose aunts and uncles have been younger than them, it's not uncommon, what the hell?
I come from a large family with ages very spread out. My youngest sister is only about six months older than her(our) niece.. And I too, know of a few families with younger Uncles/Aunts.
Load More Replies... NTA. Ultimately, it's her body, her choice. But that's not what he's asking here. He's asking if he's TA for being upset about it (as in BECAUSE it's ultimately her choice, do "I" really have the right to be upset? That's a big YES. This was a planned pregnancy, so, again, that gives him the right to be upset and NTA about feeling that way. I feel she might have just wanted another child because of the lack of being there for her daughter. Not only is the daughter back, but a pregnant teenager. The chances of the wife now raising that child (her granddaughter) without physical risk of carrying it is high. I have an exBIL that had an uncle 2 years younger than himself. Noone in that family or anyone else saw disgust in the situation. Her excuse sounds fishy.
She was from a Mennonite community and had to leave her daughter behind with her ex husband. So the mom has so many problems, but had a bad experience with a therapist and has trauma from that.
Bored Panda, whatever your stance on abortion, it's really wrong to use photos of heavily pregnant women and bodies to illustrate an article like this. Most abortion takes place in the first trimester, long before this stage is reached. If someone is aborting at this stage, it is because of a severe health issue.
Sounds you wanted to have this baby but she didn’t and now she has an excuse not to have it.
I'm all for right to choose, but this is honestly just a really selfish reason imo
However, maybe this isn't the real reason. Maybe she just didn't want another child but had baby fever and now that she's getting a grandchild, she can have both. In which case, makes a lot more sense and I can't say I blame her. Babies are a ton of work. So if you can have a baby around to satiate that baby fever but give it back to its parents when you want time to yourself, more power to you! Don't think he's the a*s for being upset. But mom isnt ta either. Edited: noticed my comment said is when it should have said isn’t about mom being TA
Load More Replies... NTA. Look, she gets to make this decision. No question. BUT she's also in a serious relationship. Making such a decision *with* your partner is a matter of respect. She gets to make the final choice, but come on. I 100% agree the wrong person is getting the abortion. But I also agree with the person guessing her reasoning being she gets the baby without the responsibility. And that's totally fine. Even reasonable. But have the difficult conversation with each other. But one final thing. She gets to make the final choice. But he also has every right not to be okay with it. And he has every right to leave her for it. And every right to be upset with her for it. You can respect her choice but that doesn't mean he's without choice.
What kind of lunatic is this wife ? Aborting her own planned - for pregnancy because the wayward daughter " got pregnant " ? Disgaceful.
It seems as if your wife was, somehow, willing to swap her own child and yours for that of her daughter. Perhaps she thinks she can mother her daughter's child without having to give birth herself to do it. It's her body and her decision, but I'm disappointed that the basis of this abortion is something so superficial. To be honest, I appreciate that you don't want to break up a home, but it will take a heavy toll on you and your son.
K, I don't get the presumptions about the teen mom making her parents raise her baby. I've known a lot of teen moms who have raised their babies. I was 17 when I got pregnant and raised my kid with her dad, for half way. Of course grandparents are going to be there for some support and help, when needed, and when they want to volunteer. However, neither of our parents provided any babysitting for the first few years and only provided any support and help as long as we both were doing something to advance in life, like finishing HS, taking a college course, working, etc. I took our kid to all her appts., lived with us, school drop off and pick up, ran errands with her, took her to visit with our friends, to the park and other fun places, helped her with her homework, etc. Of course her grandparents spent some time with her, took her camping, and stuff like that. But they are active in our lives, not just around for the holidays, either way. I just don't get what people are saying.
I was also 17 when I got pregnant. 18 when he was born, but barely. Dad had just turned 20 the same month I turned 18. Our son is a happy, healthy, almost 12 year old who just got his first pitt hairs and is so proud of it! 🤣🤦🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️ I also have a 9 year old son. And my fiancé are expecting our (my third, his first) son this June. This baby cost us a good bit of money and we planned for four years before being able to have him. I had to have a tubal reversal to have him, so in my mind, I can’t imagine this thought process. BUT it’s not my life either or the same circumstances. My bet is this wasn’t the real reason. Just the reason she gave. But regardless, the daughter is more than capable. I did it all on my own except the first year and weekends after that. Same with my second. Except every other weekend with him. I would not have turned out as well as I have if I hadn’t had my kids, honestly
Load More Replies... This relationship is unbalanced in some of the worst ways. Ways they didn't even know existed until the most extreme situation showed up. I imagine it deteriorating over the next few years. Massive difference in core values. Same thing happened to me. My wife unilaterally decided to do this, and then that aspect of our relationship died. Took a few years, but she wasn't the person I thought I married.
Prefnant parent gets to determine if the baby is brought to term, but bringing a baby home requires two party consent. Some commenters seem to be missing this parenthood requires consent, if you are the pregnant one or not. Sure, the pregnant parent has more options, they can leave, raise the kid elsewhere, but forcing parenthood on anyone is wrong. That's not what this post is about, but it is a glaring omission from some of the comments.
Parenthood absolutely *does not* require consent. Not in the slightest. If someone impregnates a person with a womb they have 100% control in whether that person becomes a parent. It's their choice.
Load More Replies... Grieve, feel your feelings. It's ok to be angry, sad, whatever. Talk it though with a friend. When you're ready, talk to your wife. Be careful not to let bitterness in or your marriage is done. You don't want to lose your family over what might have been. It sounds like you'll be called on as grandparents for a lot of support with Kate's baby, honestly understandable not to have twins in the house, but whatever else was going on. Bringing a baby into the home has to be not just ok but enthusiastic yes with both parties. I'm sorry you didn't get that, but grieve and rejoin the family, your new grandbaby will arrive soon.
He certainly doesn't seem to have any choice regarding having a baby in the house though. Wife has also *decided* she wants THAT baby. So he is getting very little input in his own life.
Load More Replies... Sure. No question. But his feelings on the matter are entirely valid regardless of whether he has say in the choice.
Load More Replies... I feel like the wife knew she was going to end up caring for two babies, and that doing so would sideline her business, exhaust her, place a huge strain on your marriage etc. She was probrably afraid that refusing to care for the grandchild, or pushing for abortion or adoption would alienate her from her daughter completely. Especially if she had a baby of her own at the same time. Your wife probrably felt she had to choose between her daughter and her pregnancy, and chose the child she already had, and her future grandbaby. Refusing to discuss it may well have been because it was not something she would have willingly chosen to do, but felt forced into by circumstances, and she was afraid you would talk her out of it. Trying to care for two infants and run a business, is not an easy thing. Risking losing her daughter again, by not supporting her, is not an easy thing. Ending a pregnancy she wanted is not an easy thing. Talk to her. Grieve. Get couples counselling.
I'd like to know how old she is (since they wanted to get pregnant before she turned 40)... if she's in her late 30's she may have become increasingly aware of the risks of a geriatric pregnancy. And she might have second thoughts about pausing her career, etc. Now she can be fully involved in helping out her daughter and grandchild. She may have made a very logical decision, even though her husband disagreed. If the husband had to pause his career and withstand the negative effects on his body that pregnancy brings... and has to risk his life during labour, and has to still have the energy to raise a 7 year old and help with a grandchild, he'd have second thoughts too.
Such a painful story. She acted too rashly, though I understand the likely mindsets behind taking such a drastic action. It's absolutely her choice, but I also understand OP's pain. This was a future he was looking toward with so much anticipation, and without much fanfare she unilaterally came home and told him she ended that future. There's nothing wrong with him grieving that future, and he's not wrong to experience the hurt and massive loss of trust that followed.
Interesting that no one has commented about the pregnant daughter. Mom getting an abortion is (apparently) fine but no comment on a 17 year old having a kid? A 17 year old who has apparently been having problems for the last 10 years, getting kicked out of first Mom's home, then Dad's home. Is her BF even still in the picture? Is he another kid? What are the chances they're going to break up soon (if they haven't already)? Honestly, it's pretty terrible that she's essentially dumping her problems on her Mum.
Probably one of the most complicated situations I've read about. Especially only having one side, but regardless, you are never an ahole for your own feelings. Feeling disrespected and angry over your loved ones choices is a right as a human being. The Ahole comes into play when we start factoring in how you act on them.
I get that this is very complex for the mother, and I feel for her, but in a marriage you need to discuss the big things and come to a decision together somehow.
You do not abort a baby. You abort a fetus or embryo, but no one ever aborted a baby. Other than that - where did you two lose each other regarding this? You only have limited time to decide, and maybe that was making her rush it?
Baby is a baby. Embryo, fetus, infant, toddler, are all terms of developmental stages of a baby.
Load More Replies... His feelings are valid, even though ultimately, it is her decision. He feels angry that his wife would abort HIS baby apparently without a second thought, while being all for her daughter's baby. And I think that's valid. She seems to care more for *her* bloodline than his feelings in the matter. Which would hurt him deeply.
Ok, ok, we women get the final say because it's generally more fair this way than the other. BUT in this case, it wasn't fair. His wife tossed this baby they BOTH wanted before without even mentioning it to him. They took the decision to try for a new baby together, they got pregnant together (hopefully), they were both excited about the baby... and she decided to abort? It makes me doubt the story is real because who abords a wanted, expected child?! In any case, yes, she has the "right" to abord. Yet this particular situation makes her a total monster.
It's likely real, but her reason for doing it may not be
Load More Replies... It's fine to feel whatever you're feeling, but you can always adopt. Terminating this pregnancy doesn't mean no more kids, just not one at this time. Don't build it up in your mind as a disaster, it'll ruin you.
Not his uterus, not his choice. Yes, they should have talked it over, but in the end she makes the final call.
So sorry this happened. I say this as a person a few years older but mom and daughters having children at or around the same time use to be common. However I get her not wanting to do 2 babies at once. Taking your opinion and trashing it for a garbage reason that is well unacceptable. You married your supposed to make joint decisions. It was cold to say the least. Yes the daughter wants to keep the baby but not to be the parent. She wants to keep it a secret. It's a child that's not a secret. What happens when she's 9moths pregnant in school. Her aside abortion can be traumatic. But doing this for someone else's benefit no. It's going to flip roll turn sideways and skid. Talk to your wife. Try individual therapy and couples maybe family. You should consider therapy and the teen definitely needs it too. Completely your decision if you want marriage therapy. Wife needs to understand how you feel. Hoping for the best.
nta, how OP feels is valid. his feelings are valid and i hope he can talk to someone to express that in a healthy way. sounds like the wife maybe didnt want the baby in the first place. not really. she didnt seem to take any time to reach that decision (from what is posted here, obviously we cant see her thought process). its her body and of course she gets the ultimate say no matter what. her decision seems odd to me, but im not her, im pro choice but aborting bc she thinks having a kid younger than her grandchild is disgusting? how is having a kid younger than your grandchild disgusting? i mean candy corn is disgusting (imo). if her pregnancy was a few weeks ahead of her daughters pregnancy would she still think it disgusting? honestly im not sure op's wife wanted to have another baby. sounds more like she said okay bc she knew it was what op wanted.
I'm not a believer in abortion, and I am a girl btw. So I definitely think that the comments about it being 100% the wife's decision is not fair, it takes 2 to put the kid in the womb and it's not fair that decision falls on only one to kill it or not. This man should take his son and get a divorce because it is clear that his wife does not respect him, they decided together to have another kid. What gives her the right to back out of their plan without his opinion or feelings even taken into account? I get that it's her body but it's not even like it was a sudden thing, this was planned. I know this will be an unpopular opinion but perhaps there are others out there in the world that share my thoughts on the subject.
She was a shite mum the first go so why would you want to be a parent with her to begin with? Her daughter didn’t deserve a mum who absconded her and started a new family. She was a teen mum and history repeats itself because she wasn’t there for her daughter! You and your wife will be raising this kid now anyhow. The teen will realize she wanted the baby because she wanted ultimate love she never had from her mum and then she wakes up to see how hard it is. So you'll defacto have that baby you wanted at some point. I don’t think your wife deserves to be lauded as the best mum when she wasn’t to her FIRST CHILD. You dodged a bullet with the abortion to be honest….
Now boredpanda deletes comments like the nazis they are... you are all murderers!!!!
Who and why? Who are you to consider anybody a murderer, and on what rational reasoning do you found your verdict? Please deliver facts, please deliver sources, please be rational and objective. And, fellow pro-choicers - don't downvote her (is it her?) this time, let's have that debate, let's see how well the condemnation of choice can be reasoned. If there's rationally sound reasons to not support choice, I'm eager to get to know about these, because, as of now, they haven't happened to meet me. Yet? Yet, but that's besides.
Load More Replies... No way in he11, would I stay with a woman who killed my kid. And my son would know why we split up the rest of his life
Your wife was so wrong not to take your feelings into consideration at all into her decision. The baby was your baby as well and she didn't care at all. Personally I would take your son and file for divorce. Its obvious to me that she only cares about her daughter at this point and what will keep her happy. I say kick her to the curb and find someone to have another baby with, just not her.
To this specific person. Maybe and maybe not. Has the situation ever happened to someone? Most definitely.
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