“All I Wanted Was An Apology”: SAH Mom Watches Husband Regret Berating Her After Roles Reverse
Interview With Expert
Being a stay-at-home (SAH) parent is still usually the mom’s job. Pew Research Center claims only 18% of SAH parents in the U.S. are dads. That’s almost one in five. Wives often become stay-at-home mothers full-time or have a side job from home that they can balance with taking care of the kids.
Sometimes, their husbands might think that childcare is not a full-time job. Like this father, who got angry at his wife for not taking care of dinner one evening, claiming she “does nothing all day.” Wanting to prove it, he worked from home the next day and took care of the two kids all by himself. The wife saw him struggle but did nothing to help. So, when he called her out, she asked the Internet to weigh in on who was the jerk in this situation.
Bored Panda contacted Licensed Educator and Certified Coach Laura Danger for some expertise on SAH parents. She kindly agreed to tell us more about why the stereotype that stay-at-home parents should be mothers persists and how couples can navigate arguments about this dynamic. Read her expert insights below!
Working from home and taking care of kids at the same time can be hard
Image credits: LightFieldStudios (not the actual photo)
When this husband told his wife that she does nothing all day as a SAHM, she dared him to try it out
Image credits:Vitaly Gariev (not the actual photo)
Image credits:ClearCoffee7140
The stigma towards SAH parents will persist until we start thinking of housework as real work
Certified life coach and educator Laura Danger tells Bored Panda that as long as housework and childcare aren’t considered “real” work, the stereotype that it’s the same as “doing nothing” will persist.
“Keeping this work undervalued and underpaid throughout society allows it to be used as a tool to subjugate. People in carework industries are underpaid – home nurses, childcare providers, the people who clean and maintain our homes, offices and public spaces.”
“This is the work that nurtures us and keeps us going, yet it’s brushed off,” Danger points out. “Without it, we have nothing! The idea that some work is work or some work is more important is just another lie our society tells us so some people can have more access to power, wealth, and privilege.”
“When some work matters more than other work, some people matter more,” she explains the unfairness. “If we gave care its due respect, we’d also have to give every person their due respect.”
“Honoring the value of care would also mean honoring our inherent value as people. Our society is built as a hierarchy, and bosses and other people in power rely on care and domestic work being invisible and undervalued.”
Image credits:Alexander Grey (not the actual photo)
Although the conversation about how to divide housework and childcare is difficult, it’s always best to have it as soon as possible
Starting a conversation about who should be the stay-at-home parent can be difficult. But Danger cautions couples that ruminating on the issue or abandoning boundaries might cause resentment. “As someone who is feeling unappreciated and overwhelmed by domestic care demand, you can avoid resentment by facing the issue head-on, setting clear boundaries, speaking your mind, and sharing your feelings honestly,” she advises.
“You cannot control how someone is going to react to you when you share your feelings, but even if the response is resistance, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say something. Care work matters,” Danger emphasizes. “The weight of the mental, emotional, and physical demands has real costs. You have to figure out what your own limits are, communicate them, then be ready to maintain them.”
The reality is that one person in the couple often takes on not only the majority of the housework but the emotional labor as well. “The person who’s been asking for help or who manages more of the domestic and care work has to maintain the emotions of themselves and others,” Danger explains. “They have to do this despite feeling frustrated, angry, or hurt.”
“We should all take some personal responsibility for our emotional wellness, communication, and self-regulation. Unfortunately, you can’t make someone else do that personal emotional work, so, again, it comes down to setting limits for yourself. You may need to seek professional help as an individual or a couple to break old imbalanced patterns and establish new ones.”
Danger says that individuals shouldn’t be afraid to express their feelings, whatever they might be. “Feelings are okay. It’s okay to be angry about inequity,” she explains. “Feeling resentful or angry about a situation that has caused pain is reasonable.”
“What we can be mindful of is how we react and what we do from there. Kindness does not always mean keeping things the same or shielding your relationship from conflict. Conflict can be an opportunity,” the certified life coach points out.
Image credits:Tatiana Syrikova (not the actual photo)
People called out the husband’s entitled behavior
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The only thing the mum did wrong in this scenario was to not leave the house for the whole day and come home at 8pm with the expectation that dinner would be on the table.
That would have been a better option. Can't be accused of being petty and not helping then.
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Pretty convinced that this dude comes home extra late so he does not have to care for the children.
That's my take too. He knew he wasn't up to looking after the kids but tried to bluff it out. Twat.
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Girl, take a weekend away for your sanity. Let him 100% handle them. You should have left the house for his WFH day, just like he leaves for work.
You know she would come home to a trashed house if she did that.
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Tables turned for your husband & I hope he learned a great lesson for both your sakes. I was really sick (cancer) for quite awhile, still have limitations. My husband stepped in & up with alI the things I always did. He came to me & told me that he'd not realized how much I did. Although we are retired, I did the same "chores" whilst raising our kids & working. He was truly amazed at what it takes to run a household, pay the bills, grocery shop, fix meals, help with the gardening & keep a spotless home. Yep, he was truly amazed & told me so, gotta love that.
When my kids were young, I was running a newspaper route at night and my husband was home. Granted they were all sleeping but I was with them during the day. Problem started when my youngest was and still is, a night owl. She would not sleep at night. I tried all the things, like with her sister, keeping her up all day to get her sleep cycle reversed. Took one day with her sister. Didn't work with her. I got so tired, I started hallucinating on my route. I did an entire neighborhood and don't remember doing it. (I know it was done because when I jerked myself awake and realized where I was, I went back to check. Everyone who was supposed to get a paper had one.). I told my husband, something has to change. So my husband, bless his heart, took to getting my youngest to sleep, so I could rest. I was with my kids all day and there were times he would come home and I just looked at him and said, we are going out. I need adult conversation. He wouldn't even question it.
This problem is a lot deeper than one interrupted meeting. This is a husband's serious lack of respect for his wife. She's taking care of the kids AND making a third of their income, and he's upset she didn't cook, too???
He brings the other 2/3. She is takes care of the kids because she works only 3hours!
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LOL. I wans down with the flu a few weeks ago, for almost a week. I barely leave my bed, and I ask my husband to take care of the kids (it was during the holiday). We have 2 daughters (3 & 6 y.o), and my husband did okay. The day I got better, my husband had been so exhausted he ran a fever 🤣
The experiment was flawed and she's the A hole. There's a difference between being a SAHM and having the kids home while you're working from home. I wanna see her successfully hold down a job WHILE the kids are home terrorizing her. Then, if she can do THAT, he should apologize.
The people saying the mom should have left are absolutely correct. Children act differently with each parent, and I bet you anything they were actually holding back because mom was still in the house. If she'd left, they'd have been ALL OVER the idiot all day long because he was on video.
She should have spent the day doing all the things she can't do with kids in tow. A trip to the hair salon or catching that movie she's dying to see and left her phone home so her husband can't call and demand she come home to deal with the kids.
John Smith. I knew at an instant you are an AH. I didn't have to marry you to find out. It's plain as day. smh
Another petty revenge looking for approval... This is endless, always the same, always petty instead of being the better person.
His hubris needed smashing. So it was smashed, and he didn't like it.
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As mentioned, not leaving the house was a huge mistake! Look, in a short time he will make up his minds what she orchestrated all this troubles, pinching children to cry. Next in a month he will conveniently forget agreement and start talking around about “asked me to work from home and then orchestrate some ridiculous situations”. Possibility of that scenario is high! So she has to act quickly and stop his gaslighting actions.
I know that you did this to get an opinion if you were unreasonable. No you weren't. Honestly tell him I laughed at his dumb àss. I mean just rolling. Serious note he definitely needs to spend more time with his kids. I'm surprised they didn't come running to you all day. Tell he didn't pull it off. He sucks. Never minimize your achievements. 1/3 of the income in 3 hours. Amazing.
I assume she underestimated her work, she is so low profile and so easy to guilt trip.
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NTA. I was the babysitter doormat for the family. 9 kids (2 mine) and no I didn't get paid. I was disabled ( still am) and all the other adults did was barely look up from what they were doing and tell them go away. Yes parents in the same room but they couldn't deal with the kids.17 years later and I stopped once I let the kids know I loved them and it wasn't their fault I didn't couldn't be there for them physically. We all still talk. Except for the 3 girls and that's only 2 that I have anything to do with. Did I get help? Nope. I did the same thing one weekend and took a sleeping pill. My spouse put a stop to it after one of the boys got so mad he separated the paneling from the wall in his temper tantrum. He permanently kicked the parents out. 9 kids 4 with Asperger's and he couldn't handle it for 4 hours. Freaking 17 years 🤦🏻♀️
4 aspis in one room is an asylum! I wonder if any respite worker ever agreed for such arrangement and how much would it cost! Is the spouse happily leaved the house then kids are there? You was abuse victim, not a “doormat”. Also, I have aspy kid, and I don’t understand how they could be okay in a crowded room. It is unsafe as at least.
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The only thing the mum did wrong in this scenario was to not leave the house for the whole day and come home at 8pm with the expectation that dinner would be on the table.
That would have been a better option. Can't be accused of being petty and not helping then.
Load More Replies... Pretty convinced that this dude comes home extra late so he does not have to care for the children.
That's my take too. He knew he wasn't up to looking after the kids but tried to bluff it out. Twat.
Load More Replies... Girl, take a weekend away for your sanity. Let him 100% handle them. You should have left the house for his WFH day, just like he leaves for work.
You know she would come home to a trashed house if she did that.
Load More Replies... Tables turned for your husband & I hope he learned a great lesson for both your sakes. I was really sick (cancer) for quite awhile, still have limitations. My husband stepped in & up with alI the things I always did. He came to me & told me that he'd not realized how much I did. Although we are retired, I did the same "chores" whilst raising our kids & working. He was truly amazed at what it takes to run a household, pay the bills, grocery shop, fix meals, help with the gardening & keep a spotless home. Yep, he was truly amazed & told me so, gotta love that.
When my kids were young, I was running a newspaper route at night and my husband was home. Granted they were all sleeping but I was with them during the day. Problem started when my youngest was and still is, a night owl. She would not sleep at night. I tried all the things, like with her sister, keeping her up all day to get her sleep cycle reversed. Took one day with her sister. Didn't work with her. I got so tired, I started hallucinating on my route. I did an entire neighborhood and don't remember doing it. (I know it was done because when I jerked myself awake and realized where I was, I went back to check. Everyone who was supposed to get a paper had one.). I told my husband, something has to change. So my husband, bless his heart, took to getting my youngest to sleep, so I could rest. I was with my kids all day and there were times he would come home and I just looked at him and said, we are going out. I need adult conversation. He wouldn't even question it.
This problem is a lot deeper than one interrupted meeting. This is a husband's serious lack of respect for his wife. She's taking care of the kids AND making a third of their income, and he's upset she didn't cook, too???
He brings the other 2/3. She is takes care of the kids because she works only 3hours!
Load More Replies... LOL. I wans down with the flu a few weeks ago, for almost a week. I barely leave my bed, and I ask my husband to take care of the kids (it was during the holiday). We have 2 daughters (3 & 6 y.o), and my husband did okay. The day I got better, my husband had been so exhausted he ran a fever 🤣
The experiment was flawed and she's the A hole. There's a difference between being a SAHM and having the kids home while you're working from home. I wanna see her successfully hold down a job WHILE the kids are home terrorizing her. Then, if she can do THAT, he should apologize.
The people saying the mom should have left are absolutely correct. Children act differently with each parent, and I bet you anything they were actually holding back because mom was still in the house. If she'd left, they'd have been ALL OVER the idiot all day long because he was on video.
She should have spent the day doing all the things she can't do with kids in tow. A trip to the hair salon or catching that movie she's dying to see and left her phone home so her husband can't call and demand she come home to deal with the kids.
John Smith. I knew at an instant you are an AH. I didn't have to marry you to find out. It's plain as day. smh
Another petty revenge looking for approval... This is endless, always the same, always petty instead of being the better person.
His hubris needed smashing. So it was smashed, and he didn't like it.
Load More Replies... As mentioned, not leaving the house was a huge mistake! Look, in a short time he will make up his minds what she orchestrated all this troubles, pinching children to cry. Next in a month he will conveniently forget agreement and start talking around about “asked me to work from home and then orchestrate some ridiculous situations”. Possibility of that scenario is high! So she has to act quickly and stop his gaslighting actions.
I know that you did this to get an opinion if you were unreasonable. No you weren't. Honestly tell him I laughed at his dumb àss. I mean just rolling. Serious note he definitely needs to spend more time with his kids. I'm surprised they didn't come running to you all day. Tell he didn't pull it off. He sucks. Never minimize your achievements. 1/3 of the income in 3 hours. Amazing.
I assume she underestimated her work, she is so low profile and so easy to guilt trip.
Load More Replies... NTA. I was the babysitter doormat for the family. 9 kids (2 mine) and no I didn't get paid. I was disabled ( still am) and all the other adults did was barely look up from what they were doing and tell them go away. Yes parents in the same room but they couldn't deal with the kids.17 years later and I stopped once I let the kids know I loved them and it wasn't their fault I didn't couldn't be there for them physically. We all still talk. Except for the 3 girls and that's only 2 that I have anything to do with. Did I get help? Nope. I did the same thing one weekend and took a sleeping pill. My spouse put a stop to it after one of the boys got so mad he separated the paneling from the wall in his temper tantrum. He permanently kicked the parents out. 9 kids 4 with Asperger's and he couldn't handle it for 4 hours. Freaking 17 years 🤦🏻♀️
4 aspis in one room is an asylum! I wonder if any respite worker ever agreed for such arrangement and how much would it cost! Is the spouse happily leaved the house then kids are there? You was abuse victim, not a “doormat”. Also, I have aspy kid, and I don’t understand how they could be okay in a crowded room. It is unsafe as at least.
Load More Replies... 
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