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Lessons People Learned From Their Parents On What Not To Do With Your Own Kids: 35 Stories Shared By Our Community
Many people growing up learn everything from their parents and most strive to be just like them when they grow up. However, some of us that grew up in a less-than-stellar household with less-than-competent parents have only learned what not to do from our parents.
Thinking about that, I asked our community to share their experiences that have taught them what not to do with their kids. Scroll down for the answers!
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It is really very important to believe and validate your children when something or someone hurt them. Don't tell them nothing really happened and all is in their imagination. And please just don't pretend to make them feel better by telling them other people have it worse.
Also pretending everything is good and therefore not allowing them to show how much something affected them is not healthy, keeping quiet for any other's sake is in fact very harmful for them.
Don't give your kids body image issues. Give them the tools to support a healthy body and mind.
Don't make comments about their body type. Don't discuss your own issues with food around them.
Pain is not a contest between me and my kids. They tell me they hurt, they hurt. We will not be discussing my surgeries, this is about them and their bodies which they are experts in.
The way I understand it, OP is saying that if their child comes home with a scrape on the knee, OP won't dismiss their pain by telling them about theirs. I have an ex who did this constantly. If I had a migraine so bad I'm throwing up, he would tell me about his post surgery knee injury and how much worse it was. Like somehow, his knee pain being worse (in his opinion) meant my migraine wasn't as bad. It's a narcissist's trick to keep the focus on them and make sure the other person's feelings only count as a subset of the narcissist's feelings. The narcissist never had to acknowledge or do anything to accommodate the victim's feelings because they aren't as bad/painful/important as the narcissist's. (If I'm incorrect in this understanding of the OP's statement, please forgive me. I mean no disrespect nor was I trying to put words in OP mouth.) Hope you all stay safe, happy, healthy and mindful of others. 🙂
I learned that it's a really bad idea to expect your child to be your primary emotional support. My father cheated on my mother, so she didn't trust him to care for any of her needs, so she leaned on me. I essentially parented her emotionally from a relatively young age.
Now I make sure that my child knows they're not responsible for my emotions or problems, that I have peers and professionals to lean on, but if they want to give me a hug, I will be so grateful.
This can happen later in life too, when one parent dies and the other doesn't know how to manage their emotions or relationships with other people, so they turn to one of their adult children. Throw in some passive-aggressive tendencies and you've got a nice little guilt trip to deal with in your middle age.
Stop your kids from attacking their siblings and your partner. My brother is a hazard to all of us by now, and I definitely don't want to witness it again if I ever have kids.
Two things: NEVER hit your kid, not even spank because hitting doesn't solve anything; and don't scold or punish your kids if they're having a bad day or a bad mood. Ask them what's wrong and listen to them instead.
My evil stepfather beat all of us with a belt anytime he was unhappy about something. I’ve never been so happy about someone having Alzheimer’s!
Don't guilt-trip or get angry with them for having mental health issues.
Ugh! This is so true! It's like guilt tripping your kid for having heart disease.
Don't attempt to recapture your own childhood through your kids. My mom made me do all the things: dance, gymnastics, sports of all kinds. I was a geeky thing that preferred school, school work and books and never had time for that because of the activities I was forced to participate in. I was miserable and my mom berated me for never being enthusiastic about her choices.
Now, as a mom, I let my kid decide what she wants to do with her extra time. She's a kindergartener, so her choices are a bit chaotic ("I want to try scuba diving!!" "Mom, can we tie-dye this week?"), but letting her decide the extracurriculars lets her flex her creative muscles. It's not about me, I have a decent grasp on what I like and don't, it's about her finding herself.
Yea... My mom tried to make me take Violin, and a few dancing classing. I quit both after 1-2 weeks
To not force religion on children. To not force children to finish their plates, and then shame them for eating either "too much or too little". It really sucked. It's important to let children be curious and growing people!
Food is so often used as a weapon or reward and can give children such an unhealthy relationship with food, which stays as an adult. Examples: 'if you don't do your chores you're going to bed without dinner!', 'if you don't finish your dinner you don't get desert', or 'if you do your homework I'll let you have a cookie'.
Please for God’s sake don’t tell your kids you never should have had them, that they ruined your life. Sixty-two and a life time of self-esteem issues.
It’s completely possible to transmit this information without words…
Like many parents, mine believed it was better to insist we eat everything on our plates, even things we absolutely hated. When my 3 kids were young, I encouraged them to try new things and provided a variety of foods (especially healthy options). I never insisted they finish what they took or forced them to try things. They are now healthy teens who eat a wide variety of foods. They love trying new things from different cuisines and are WAY more adventurous than me with their choices! They have a much healthier attitude towards food than I do!
Let your children have their feelings I was often told I was “too sensitive.” Treat your kids with respect and they’ll do the same with you. Don’t compete with your child!
Don't silence their voices for the sake of "keeping the peace" My siblings and I were emotionally abused for years by one parent, the other would never let us speak up, we had to stay quiet otherwise things would just get worse.... Keep quiet, give them what they want, don't make life difficult for everyone...We grew up unable to speak up for ourselves, no matter what treatment we were put through... it took 40 years before we finally found the strength to stop being silent. Keeping the peace never made things better, it just made the abuser think they could keep getting away with it.
(also.... don't emotionally abuse your kids!)
Yes. It is really very important. And also to believe and validate them when something or someone hurt them. Don't tell them nothing really happened and all is in their imagination. And please just don't pretend to make them feel better by telling them other people have it worst.
Mental issues are not your children's fault and it is YOUR OWN responsibility as adult to seek help and properly comply with treatment and therapy. Also, suicide is never an act of courage and should never ever be romanticized.
To not tell my kids about my aspirations of their future. My mother told me she always expected me to be perfect. I was 10. I'm still messed up from it, but I can't tell her about it, because she probably forgot about it. Now I have intense anxiety about not being good enough for her despite reassurance
You could still have a talk with your mom about how you feel. Even though she “probably forgot about it “, you haven’t. You can be truthful and tactful. You’ll feel better…maybe not at that moment, but the peace of mind will come. Otherwise, she’ll be gone, and this will continue to haunt you. Good luck. 🤞🏾
1) be there & don't force your eldest to raise the younger by being absent
2) be patient - just b/c you have been good with whatever in school, doesn't mean your kid is as good/fast as you
3) don't force them to practice stuff for hours - a little bit at a time, not a year's worth of stuff for 4h straight
4) try to find a place to live before having kids and stay there, don't force them to leave their friends behind ~5x in 9 years
5) don't punish your kid for accidents or not being good at sports
6) trust your kids - teachers can lie too, just like the neighbours, your friends, other kids and even family - if you have been there for your kid, you'll know when they lie... and if they're lying - ask yourself and your kid 'why'
My husband has often asked how I know which of the three kids did something when they all said No? I said because I know who does what because they are all different. The oldest would get in trouble she had to sit on the couch because she loved her room. The second was sent to her room because she wanted to be with us. The third is a combo of his two sisters. Also don't call them out on everything you see them doing. Pick your battles. I would see them walk by when they were supposed to be in bed. I would just ignore it. If it's not hurting anything but your pride.....Let it go.
1) If you don't want kids, use protection.
2) If you do have kids, don't guilt trip them for having problems, don't tell them they're ungrateful when they need you to adjust your parenting style. And don't only focus on the flaws in their grades.
Never shame your child or allow siblings to shame her for something out of her control.
My youngest daughter never liked scary movies. We would watch sci-fi movies like 3 headed shark or big foot. She would get up to go to bed and say are you all going to make fun of me because i'm scared?? I always said absolutely not. If anyone does you come and tell me. It's okay not to like a movie or whatever....
I don't tell my kids to not cry (like my dad did when I fell and broke my arm).
I don't give my kids the silent treatment (which my mum did on two occasions, which lasted more than a week each).
I don't talk badly about my spouse (like my mum, who has slagged off my dad ever since their divorce 30 years ago).
I learned not to punish my kids for speaking up about something they disagree with me on. Kids are people with thoughts and opinions on everything. It doesn’t mean I will agree or change my mind… but sometimes I will. It’s ok to be wrong and it’s not disrespectful for kids to disagree with parents. It just teaches them to be people pleasers and they never learn how to handle disagreements with people. I’m a perfect example…
The screaming. We hear you just fine, we're trying to process you.
The moment you hear yourself say "oh you think this is screaming? I'll show you screaming." You are the reason the kids stop talking to you when they move out.
If you are divorced and are the parent who doesn’t have main custody of the children, never make a promise to be somewhere unless you are 100% sure you will make it.
If you are even slightly uncertain that you may not make it to something, kids of any age will understand when you say “I really want to be there and I will really really try my hardest to make it to ……., but I can’t promise 100% I will be there.”
When you turn up, even if a little late, they will always be happy. If you can’t make it (and call to say you can’t, or that you will be late) they will understand because they already knew this was a possibility.
If you make any promise to a child and you keep that promise 99% of the time, that rare 1% is easier to forgive. But if you make promises and constantly break them it will create mistrust, doubt and resentment in a child that will last a lifetime.
Dont guilt trip your kid saying how selfish they are if they are feeling suicidal it makes it worse
Dont s**t shame your child
If your child says they are sexually abused by your partner, don't just " chat" with the partner saying its not ok and sweep it under the rug
dont compete with your child for mental issues
Let your child interact with others that aren't just family
For the third one - I know someone who the mom didn't even chat with the dad; refused to. So messed up. Forced the person to move out at 15. Really really sad.
I had great parents but I learned to not pick favorites. Somebody is going to get hurt and do the same thing to their child. I learned that every child is an independent and unique person, and comparing one child to another child in the same family causes problems. So my husband and I made conscious decisions to treat them as individuals, to celebrate their differences, and not compare them to each other, because of this my children are extremely close with each other regardless of the age gaps, they all love each other, and talk to each other more than they talk to my husband and I. I also learned not to force myself upon them. When they need me they know I'm there and they come to me with their own accord. I check in with them on a weekly basis but I don't smother them. I don't want to do things that alienate them. Their choices are their own we encourage them we encourage their differences and let them know that they are unconditionally loved. I feel very blessed that my children are the people that they are and because we didn't compare them to each other negatively or positively I have very confident children with great judgment. I also learned not to place unreasonable expectations upon them. The only expectation that we ever put on them was for them to grow up to be productive members of society and I believe that the ones who have reached adulthood have succeeded in that. the things I'm most proud of in my children are also the things that they are most proud of themselves.
Take your kids to the doctor when they're sick - before it becomes severe.
I was hospitalized 13 times (that I could remember) by the age of 15. I had a host of childhood diseases that I wasn't vaccinated for, multiple pneumonias, anemia, etc. For most of my childhood, when I was taken to the doctor, I was immediately hospitalized. They had "the good" insurance (through my dad's factory job) but my parents didn't "believe in" doctors.
My mother hated doctors, even tho my dad's union provided good insurance that at that time actually covered things. But she wouldn't take us in unless we were bleeding all over, and even then would try to bandage us herself. I got hurt at school and dislocated my hip to the point that I couldn't stand or walk, was so embarrassed that my favorite teacher had to carry me to the nurse station. When she finally came to get me she just took me home and left me to crawl around for over a week, said that I was just faking it to get out of school (which I loved, it was my safe place). To this day I have a lot of problems with my hip and leg, she noticed my pain one day not too long ago and giggled about the accident years ago. She just never got it, after one of my sister's got diagnosed as bipolar, we figured out a lot about why she is the way she is. A lot of damage was done to all my sisters and brothers
Do not use your kids as weapons when going through a divorce.
I later got divorced myself and made it clear to my ex that we were going to minimize the impact on our son. She fortunately agreed.
I forced my parents to get divorced. After a huge fight between them, I left in my mother's car and told them I wouldn't be back until I had divorce papers in hand. I was 15. Better to be from a broken home, than live in one. They filed on the Monday after I left on Sunday.
Be more open minded and actually spend time listening to my (future) kids.
As someone brought up by a helicopter mom that always knows better and is never wrong... I feel like my whole childhood and teenage years were stolen from me because of my mom's behaviour... She doesn't accept any of it.
Always admit when your wrong. If you need to say sorry to your kids for being wrong don't say I apologize. Say the words I'm sorry and I was wrong. I promise you won't break. Your kids will still love you!! I once had a relative tell me that they had never seen children who say I love you as many times as they do. It's respect. Respect them and they will respect you.
Don't hang onto a lot of stuff you don't use and expect your kids to move it for you multiple times.
My husband and I moved my parents 7 times in 17 years, with my brother helping the first couple times. They didn't even use most of the stuff, but clung to it anyway. A lot of it ended up in storage, where it's sat for at least 10 years. My dad died 7 years ago, and my mom lives in a nice retirement community, with her apartment cluttered with boxes of stuff she still hasn't unpacked after 1-1/2 years. Now her mind is a little vague, and she doesn't want to think about getting organized or getting rid of things. So guess who eventually gets to deal with it yet again?
My parents will probably live in their house forever, gratefully they've gotten better about this as they got older and got rid of stuff (one thing I'm salty about), but my in-laws are basically hoarders. I don't see them moving anytime soon and fir various items in their home I've told them I'll pay for them but it's always been met with "we're going to use them when we fix the place up". The place is a hazard. I have a rule for my own stuff: if you haven't touched it in more than a year, you don't need it and never will.
I encouraged my son to try something before he said he didn't like it. It's not that I was brought up to condemn out of hand but society started to dislike things without checking them out first.
My Dad was a good man, mostly, but he delighted in telling me my music was rubbish. I swore I would never say the same to my son. He and I now swap the music we like. Sometimes I don't like what he's listening to, but I still listen because I ought to have an opinion nonetheless.
Although he was brought up to be omnivorous, when he went through a vegetarian phase, because of his then girlfriend, we ate like he did, when he visited. There is no harm in accepting another's personal views and tastes.
I hope that he instills the same values in my grandson. He, himself, has grown to be a man I am proud to call my son. I gave him ownership, he accepted the responsibility. We respect one another.
Finally one for me. I learned a huge lesson from my egg donor (mother). I learned to always be in my kids' lives. To love them unconditionally and to never leave their sides (as minors). My mother tried to kill me several times as an infant and then when that didn't work abandoned me. Luckily my father had the foresight to take me to family where I was raised by others in the family. I never blamed my dad because he saved my life. He tried to get her help and when that didn't happen and she continued to make his life hell, being young and dumb he turned to self medication to numb the pain and well.... never got over that. My dad passed two weeks ago today. I will forever love and miss him. Part of my grieving process holds a lot of anger because although he made poor choices he never endangered me, he saved me. Why is he gone and she remains to live off other people and be a miserable human being? Don't take that wrong, I'm grown now and have forgiven her for everything. She's obviously mentally ill in some shape or form. Ok now I'm rambling, my apologies. Anyway, my kids are 20, 17 and 15 and I am grateful for every minute, every day. And I guess I am thankful to Her for that.
Do not smother them. Teach them to fly without you. Otherwise, when they have the chance to fly they might be giddy with freedom.
Didn't have kids of my own because it would wreck my freedom. Now, later in life, I see it didn't have to.
Don't brood your kids. Give them lot of love, but don't brood. Encourage them to fly by their own wings. The sooner they get independent, the bigger the return on investment will be. There's nothing more toxic than a brooding mother, or father
Never to insult my daughter's body or make fun of her weight. I'm fairly fit now and haven't touched soda or fast food in a decade, and maintain a mostly plant-based diet, but still feel like I'm disgusting and like I'm not "dieting enough". Like I should do more to lose more weight. Like I'm never doing enough. I've had and gotten over an eating disorder. I'm always very carefully finding ways to influence healthy habits without seeming coercive or judgy or overbearing. Trying to influence good health over body image, which every most important/close family member (mom, sisters, grandma) in my family was so focused on, and quick to call me the "fat sister". .. obviously it's caused long-term damage. Also to maintain a good relationship with her dad, even though we're long separated (all though of course there are circumstances where it's better for one parent to have nothing to do with the kids and/or other parent), and don't talk trash about her dad, because my mom always did, even though my dad was always kinder to me than my mom; and when I thought about how I'm half my dad it always made me feel really awful and hurt. There's a difference between justifiable warnings and truths about a parent and their behavior if they're a toxic/harmful/abusive/dangerous person, and just being mean and toxic yourself.
A person needs to want to lose weight for themselves. If they are called fat, or told to diet, you don't that BIG piece of cake, saying things like this in front of anyone is embarrassing and makes the person sad and depressed. Leave the person alone. They know they are fat and they have to want\ need to get healthier for themselves.
Give them lots and lots of respect. Don't hold being older, smarter, bigger, or being their parent over them. And don't think of yourself as better.
Three things:
1. My mom wouldn't let me leave the table until my plate was clean, and then she would berate me for being overweight. I taught my kids to listen to their tummies, and when they were full, they were done with their meal.
2. My parents would beat me, thinking that was the proper way to teach a child to behave. It taught me that my parents couldn't be trusted and that I should hide my mistakes. I didn't hit my kids, and we were actually able to work through disciplinary issues. Their teachers, other parents, etc. always complimented my well-behaved kids.
3. Lastly, my parents were extremely judgmental and made it clear that their love was conditional. I taught my kids that I love them always, but you can love someone and be angry at them at the same time because of their actions. I also taught them to apologize and make amends and give people some space to cool down. They're much healthier and secure than I was as a kid.
BRAVO, YOU! I have been given to understand it’s a challenge to raise children different from how you were raised…I myself opted to not have children after having been left in charge of my four siblings because we were very poor and both parents had to work.
Don’t tell your child they are lucky they’re only being beaten with a belt/ curtain rod/ iron cord because their mother used the buckle end.
Not be my mother. My mom is mild bipolar. LOVES my brother, I, girl, was an afterthought. My mother would tell me she hated me, didn't want me, wished she never had me. Then in the next breath, ask me why I don't love her. Gee I wonder. She was not there emotionally, even if she was there physically.
Always strive to be like my father. The man is a f*****g saint. He worked 60 hrs a week, still made it to ALL sport, club, and extracurricular activities. He fixed everything around the house and cars. My brother had no interest in learning, I did. My dad and I have the kind of relationship that most dad's have with their sons.
He stayed with my mom for the wrong reason, for our sake. Not his best decision, his heart was in the right place. No blame to him, I will gut you.
I had a s***ty example and a great example. I strive for the great example. I stumble sometimes, that's parenting. Biggest advice, listen to your kids, talk to them about what works and what doesn't, adjust as needed. Set
firm boundaries, but be flexible, if need be. Remember s**t happens, take a deep breath, and tackle the monster under the bed.
not to try to push the kids to do something, i am a picky eater, when my dad told me that i was going to sit at the table until i ate the vegetables, guess what i did, stayed until 8:00 (dinner started at 7;00) until my dad gave up and told me to go to bed.
My parents never taught me anything - no help with school, no parent to kid talks, no basic life skills. They're the exact kind of people scams and conspiracy theories are aimed at. They still send me fake news e-mails to this day. Neither of them had even graduated highschool and they never had any interest in educating me, but loved to ground me if I didn't get good grades. Everything I know, I learned from books, the internet, or by trial and error. Thank god I used to be a gifted, curious kid who loved to read. That combined with the amount of neglect, though, quickly resulted in a gifted kid burnout, teenage depression and now I'm a financially incompetent adult with undiagnosed ADHD.
My sister never had any interest in education and now she's over 20, constantly asking me how to bank transfer, or how to write an adress on an envelope etc. I'm childfree by choice for many reasons, but if I ever had kids, I'd make sure to not repeat this mistake.
I try my best to make sure my kids are first. I spent my childhood (and still struggle with this) thinking everyone had more important things to do then be with me. As an adult I understand my parents needing to pay bills and why they worked hard but it hurt when I was a kid.
What sadder is being the kid that understood and that understanding being taken as a given by the parents. Having been left to my devices, I know what that is like. It was a different world back then. But seeing that in this day and age sometimes make me want to give these people a good telling off.
If your kid CLEARLY has depression make them get help.
Or perhaps be sure to help them find someone they can talk to confidentially if they’re still living at home.
Beat them. Neglect them. Make them feel like a burden. Make them think that they ruined my life. That's a terrible way for a child to grow up and it stays with them for life.
Pretending to have not enough money and force your children to go by with the cheapest or without something they really need or love just because you want to spend and indulge yourself instead (without them realizing it).
And then gloat that they maybe can buy it for themselfes when they are grown ups and have enough money.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who lacks empathy. I learned from about aged 11 that I was pretty much on my own with anything I was struggling with, even illness. As a mother, I choose to be always available to my kids, empathetic and make sure that they know they are NEVER alone with anything.
I love your commitment. You're exactly right. No child should feel or be alone to handle the struggles of life growing up. ♥️
I always thought getting spanked for hitting someone was a little hard to figure out.
We don't whack hit people whack.
That's a weird one. For me another one was, "I'll give you something not cry about." Basically getting spanked, crying because it hurts and getting spanked even harder because I cried. Was I supposed to not cry?
Never trust your teenager
Teenage girls are truly a different breed. I appeared to be a sweet innocent young lady in my teenage years. In reality, I was a manipulative, sneaky pothead that in all honesty barely made it out of those years alive. I swore to myself I’d never be so naive with my children.
Not every parent is really that naive... sometimes parenting is having to watch without so much intervention, how their teenagers make all kind of mistakes and take bad decitions, because they have to experiment and learn on their own what kind of behaviour , as long as it is legal, is worth to be strengthen and feels right, and what kind of behaviour is not going to work in real life. Adolescence is precisely the time to be wrong and make all kinds of mistakes. Parents obviously have to be aware, (not behaving also like middle aged teens) and most teenagers never realize that until they become real adults, and perhaps, parents on their own.
LITREALLY everything ! I wont ever tell my kid what to wear.. i wont ever tell my kid they r kinda ugly... I wont ever make jokes about my kid's insecurities or insterests.... I would always support my kid's interests ( only if they aren't wrong ) .... I will always support them with their passion and hobbies... I will never force anything on them ! I don't want my kids to ever feel like " OMG , Mom will be so mad at me"... I want them to feel like " OMG , I need to tell this to mom ASAP "
I was one of seven children and academically cleverer than the others, my parents took no interest in my school work, never attended a parent/teacher evening, my father would get annoyed because I had homework, none of my brothers or sisters ever did have any. When I wanted to stay on at school, my father told me that I would never have new shoes or clothes if I stayed on. I managed half an extra term, by then I was wearing shoes with holes in the soles. I left school and got a job, my mother told me I was to give her half my wages. I saved money to buy new clothes and shoes only to find my mother and sister, both three sizes larger than me wearing my new clothes. I left home when I was 17, best thing I did. Don’t get me wrong I loved my parents but they wanted me to do everything their way and wouldn’t accept that I wanted to do more than leave school at 15, meet someone get married and have a couple of kids.
In that situation especially, it's perfectly okay to not love them. The fact that you justified loving them is worrying. For how they behaved, was not love. Please seek help in accepting that truth as you will be better served for it when it comes to truely loving yourself and others.
Your kid is should not be your therapist. Don't involve your kid in your problems or expect them to listen about your issues, because that's not their job, that's yours.
They do not have an expiration date on when they are welcome to continue living at home. My husband left home at 15 and myself at 17. My kids are welcome to stay with me until they properly get their lives started.
Let your kids make their own decisions. My mom said that the only reason I could get a tattoo is if I got mom in white ink. I plan on getting a tattoo. Not of mom. Also, pain isn’t a competition. If you have hard stuff going on, still listen to your kids and don’t dismiss them. And don’t say “well when I was a kid it was blah blah blah”
Tell them everything and ask them to lie. There are somethings that kids shouldn’t know about. Asking them to lie to a family member or authority figure will either teach the child it is okay to do or give the child extreme anxiety because they know it is the wrong.
Not to take off in a hurry on your bike when late for kinder-garten with two toddlers....especially when the one in the front is brandishing a toy-sword....gives a whole new meaning to «bite the dust»
The main thing I learned was: Intending to be a good parent and studying parenting and doing what you think of as good parenting... doesn't make you a good parent. And that's one of the many reasons I don't have kids of my own.
Shout, cajole, tease, scare. My parents did not understand that they were supposed to model preferred behaviour, that they were supposed to cultivate sound mental health and self esteem in their children. They tried to use negativity to force the behaviour they wanted. I hear my neighbour downstairs doing the same to her child daily. Having spent my life working with youth I know that patience, nurture, empathy and continued education are paramount in raising healthy children into well adjusted adults. And you never, ever yell at a child. People who allow themselves to get excited like that lose control, say vile and frightening things, and can intimidate and progress to physical violence.
Praise one child more than the other.
I remember being younger (like 10) and my grandmother, who lived with us and helped raise us, saw a project on the kitchen table. She thought it was my sister's and praised her for such a good job. But then she found out it was actually mine, all she said was "oh". I asked her why she said that and she responded with "you always get good grades, not your sister", made me become an underachievier, what was the point right? So now I have 3 kids of my own and I make sure to recognize their hard work every time, even if it's the 4th A that year they received. I never make them feel like they didn't work hard for the grade the received.
Never leave your child with someone when they weren't expecting this just so you can go party.
So many things.
1. Do not hit your kids - If you as a grown up hit another adult, you'd be charged with assault. But somehow grown ups think that it's OK to hit a child that cannot defend itself. My siblings and I were battered and have some pretty severe issues because of it.
2. Do not shame your children over what they eat. Mum had major food issues, so if she saw us eating something remotely unhealthy were were shamed, this led to us eating in secret.
3. Celebrate the successes and failures.
In the family I grew up in, emotions were devalued. Unless you were happy or angry, it was not OK to express feelings - and it was CERTAINLY not OK to talk about feeling sad, being frustrated, doubting yourself, having fears, or any other "negative" feelings.
My wife and I worked hard, both together and individually, to be more emotionally aware and available, partially in preparation for becoming parents. It was often difficult, sometimes embarrassing, and frequently awkward. But it has been worth it.
Today we have a 19-year-old daughter who actually talks to us about her feelings - when we encourage her to do so. She's not always forthcoming, and sometimes we have to drag things out of her. But she WILL talk to us, and even tells us things we we won't like sometimes. All because we are emotionally available and have worked on our emotional vocabulary and communications.
Yelling/lecturing them. I stopped listening 10 seconds in when I was yelled at or lectured. I see my all of my kids eyes glazing over about 10 seconds in to getting a lecture from their dad. I just don't do it bc I know they're not listening and probably cursing at you in their head. (That's what I used to do). Instead, I talk it out with them for as long as they can focus (usually a minute or two above their age. My six year old can sit for 8 minutes talking through it). It teaches them that they can talk to me about anything without getting a lecture, and healthy communication where we really listen to each other.
My mom would punish me for talking back by making me eat something healthy for dinner that I hated. Her logic was "if I don't like what's coming out of your mouth, you won't like what goes in." To this day I still associate healthy food with being punished.
Give your kids names which will lead to bullying or other issues. I (boy) was "blessed" with a name which (where I grew up) was mostly a girl's name, which caused no end of embarrasment and confusion. Wish I'd legally changed it as soon as I could now... (Of course it's impossible to know whether a particular name might suddenly become problematic in the future - "Karen" comes to mind - but there's not a lot anyone can do about that).
I learned not to not say “thank you”. My sons do so much for me and I always make it a point to say thank you and how much I appreciate them even if they don’t think I do. Grew up with a “you owe me this, why would I thank you” mom.
To not not hug your child. I was not hugged or told I was loved. I always make a point to hug my children when allowed, and to tell and show them that I love them.
I've always loved with my mother only. My dad only came at weekends. I was a very quiet person in school and my mom was like my best friend. She still is. I was one of the best students in my class when I was young. As I grew older I shifted to above average. Each time I was terrified to bring home my marks. I've wondered about just not going home many days. I hated my mom during those times. She made me feel worthless for scoring 89 out of 100. Now she is a lot better even though I still feel my marks hold more weight with my parents than me as a person.
I once read a note written to the parents from their teen daughter saying she was pregnant and running off to another country to be with her boyfriend who sold drugs all over the world, on and on. The last paragraph said that none of that was true but she was afraid to tell them she failed some math test in school. All about prospective.
To always try to give comfort to them. Like when they are scared at night, when they just have a bad day or when they even don't know whats wrong. I have spend so many nights and times alone and being so scared to go to my parents. They weren't bad parents, just busy with their own lifes I guess. Also I will never make my son feel like he is to much or different from other childeren even with his diagnoses and that he is good as he is. I want them to trust me and that they know that I will always be there for them when they need me. I miss that with my parents.
I never realized such thing as generational curses until I'm my 30's. I have 3 kids & I find myself wanting to be different in ways I needed them to be growing up. Like u mine weren't bad parents at all we are very close too! I just want to be everything I wish I had growing up & my babies to never feel the need to question anything.
Another thing my parents taught me is to NEVER drink alcohol. My mom was drunk while crossing the street and was hit by a car. She has a permanent brain injury and lives in this mansion called "The Howard House". after her accident, she was in the hospital for 3 months and lived with us for two years before moving to The Howard House. My dad was drinking during that time and my brother and I weren't very well supervised. I would often sneak on the computer at night while my dad was depressed and couldn't bring himself to stop me. If I knew what had been happening with him, I would have never taken advantage of him like that. I would steal food and he would give me almost anything I asked for. We started running out of money because my dad was unemployed and my mom couldn't get a job. My uncle Jim was an alcoholic and was occasionally homeless. He fell down and crashed his car a lot. died from cirrhosis, and my dad got even more depressed. In the summer of 2018, I moved in with my aunt and uncle, and my mom went to The Howard House. Due to my dad's record of reckless driving, he was unable to drive my brother and me for two years. He has a job now and is doing very well, except now he has type 1 diabetes. I am doing well, too, and so is my mother.
Drinking safely is ok, but to this extent absolutely not. My dad was addicted and lost custody, and one day at his apartment (it was my day with him, he was divorced without full custody) he started having hallucinations because he cut all alcohol very suddenly, after drinking exorbitant amounts almost every day for years. After that, alcohol automatically meant danger for me. I was 8. Shortly after that event, and my mom had explained what happened, I was at my grandparents’ house and my popop had a glass of the same run my dad always drank. I freaked out, called my mom in a panic because I thought he would start hallucinating too. Thankfully my mom worked to break down this association, and it only makes me a little nervous when I smell alcohol on someone’s breath.
Well, my parents gave birth to me, which clearly taught me not to have kids 😂
When I was 16 months old my father shook and yelled at me for something I did hours earlier and had already gotten in trouble for. My mom left him, then found out she had cancer. Well while she's in the hospital in isolation, I'm staying with my uncle and his wife and my 2 cousins. My uncle asked my mom to sign over temporary custody so he could get me insurance and take me to doctors appointments, well my mom didn't like that AT ALL. Well that time passes, move on to I'm maybe 8 my mom tells me that my aunt and uncle had locked me in a room, and that I was too much to handle. Basically lying to me, making me think my uncle was the horrible person. So I grew up never trusting or liking my uncle. Of course my mom told me all these stories of him being a s**t person. Well over time my mother would leave me home alone for her to go to the bars to meet a man. Date him for like 2 weeks and let him move in...yeah the keepers she attracted...and she dated a rapist, her only, a meth head, a drunk, and married someone who was our old neighbor and had been friends with his GF at the time. He had a gambling problem and just as soon as they got married he tried to be my 'dad' and tell me what to do. I was 15 and had been raising and taking care of myself and my mother since I was 10, so I wasn't having that, well mother of the year tried to step in and actually be a parent, well as soon as I hit 17 I moved out. True I moved to another toxic situation, and a whole lot of b******t, but I still have issues with my mother being a narcissist, lier, mentally underdeveloped, never thinking about what she says, hurtful and just all around s**t parent. I have made sure I protected my children. I left their abusive father when my baby girl was 18 months and have been with the same Wonderful man since then, she's 9. And I made sure to never fight with their father in front of them, talk bad about him, or do anything that could hurt them. I make sure they go to therapy just as it is worth it for everyone to go, no matter what. And I actually have a relationship with my uncle who is an amazing guy who I really wish I had spent more time with as a kid. Hell I know if I had been raised by them, my life and my future would have been 10×'s better. But all I know now is I'm going to protect and take care of my kids without putting my issues and heath problems on them.
Have a favorite and spoil them. My brother was obviously the favorite, and was tremendously spoiled. Grew up, never had a job, steals from my elderly parents and treats them like s**t. I hate him. He’s a piece of garbage. He’s almost 40, spoiled and entitled, unemployed, and he just sucks.
I learned how difficult it is to raise difficult children. In fact, the 4 of us heard "Wait 'til you have kids of your own!" so much and we were so naughty, none of us have any kids. Youngest is now 56.
Be a parent not a friend. My mom was my best friend, I was able to tell her everything I did (tried drugs, drank alcohol, had sex) without fear of punishment or even being lectured. She had a very miserable, strict upbringing with no freedom. Wanting to make her kids happy, we had no rules. I lost my virginity young, started drinking at 14, was allowed to move in with my boyfriend at 16 and by 22 I was an addict/alcoholic. I'm not blaming her for my choices at all, I've been clean and sober for almost 3 years now (thank God) but I can't help but wonder how differently things could have gone if she told me "no" once in my life.
I learned a pretty painful lesson from my own father about how not to treat your kid. Be there for them, appreciate them for what they are and don't just walk out on them because you're selfish.
Money doesn't buy love or forgiveness. You actually have to take the time to listen and respect
When I was learning to walk, I'd stand on my tip-toes and sometimes dragged my feet. My mom thought it was adorable and never stopped me. I'm 14 and still do it to this day occasionally.
First thing I'll say is I don't have kids, but I've taken away two major things from them.
One: my parents wanted "normal" children, I learned very early on that meant don't cause problems, don't act out, don't show big emotions, don't express yourself. As an adult, I have no idea how to express myself properly, I react to things the wrong way and my emotions are hard to control, all because as a kid I was told to "cut that out" anytime I wasn't quiet. Let your kids be kids, let them find their personality, let them show you who they are.
Two: I'm well aware I was an accident, my mom didn't know my dad very well before marrying him and only kept me because my grandparents wanted grand babies and my dad wanted kids. Don't get married just because there's a child involved, we not only can feel the resentment you have towards us for forcing you off path, but we see two people who shouldn't have been together be miserable for life, watch their interactions and assume this is how relationships are. It's hard to break a pattern you didn't know existed. You set the exame, remember that.
Not to talk about "family secrets" in front of kids. My family talked about the biological fathers of 3 of my cousins that were not the fathers raising them. This was done often in front of me, (I must have been invisible). It was so openly talked about in front of me that I did not realize they were secrets and just assumed everyone knew. Apparently I was wrong. Years later I was talking to my cousins and I asked them about it. Everybody was shocked. A few of my Aunts were furious, cousins were upset and everybody wanted to know how I knew about it. They all denied talking about it in front of me, which was kind of stupid because how else would I have know. You would think that I would have learned with the first cousin but no I did with all 3. I was very young and it never seemed like a big deal to me but it was definitely a huge deal to everyone else involved.
Don’t hit them, or use any kind of physical punishment.
The physical & emotional abuse I suffered growing up scarred me for life.
Be patient, never discipline while angry, remember that as they grow up your parenting method needs to change, and never ever brush off a mental health issue or tell them you think it's for attention.
Also don't make yourself a pinnacle of parenting, and always admit your mistakes and make changes.
And never ever tell your child "I prefer people your skin color/figure, etc. I literally am suspicious about being sexually harassed because of that comment my dad made as well as others.
(You can definitely say "you look like your mother/father did when they were younger/when I met them.)
Don’t deny them dinner. Growing up in Scandinavia, life was harsh.
Double standard same rules for boy or girl or what ever gender you may identify as but growing up my brother who was younger got to stay out late and go and do as he pleases because he was a boy and could not get pregnant but I was under lock and key because I could possibly get pregnant as a teen. I don’t und
We stand the logic he could have gotten a girl pregnant and he would have been 100% his fault and responsible but because he wouldn’t have to walk around with the prof under his shirt he got to do whatever and I got locked away it was horrible. But my kids get equal treatment across the board. And if I don’t have enough for all no one gets one lol.
It's not the same. If a boy gets a girl pregnant, he can leave her. He can only be forced into fatherhood if the girl/ her parents sue and win child support. I don't know about other places, but here, the amount of money a father has to pay depends on his income and wealth. Even then, he has to pay little money compared to what a mother or an involved father(with the same income) would spend on their kid. He doesn't have to be pregnant, give birth or do childcare if he doesn't want to. That means he can continue studying and working on a career, even if he doesn't leave the mother. A girl will have to put the child first, for at least a few years, or fu.ck up her body for months if she decides on abortion/adoption
i don't beat my kids with a 2" wide belt until blood droplets appear on their thighs. i don't hit my kids at all - never did.
Take your child’s side over the step parent. Stand hook for your child
dont ignore your kids obvious mental issues, that makes them worse. don't refuse to get your kids help when they ask for it, that made me need to go to mental hospitals twice for things that started small. don't let your step kids be sexist to your kids, don't let your step kids tell your daughter to "go make me a sandwich" "you should be in the kitchen, you're a woman. that's where you belong" "do my laundry, why? because you're a woman." that makes your daughter feel like she should have to do everything because she was born a female. discipline your kids, don't let them hurt people physically or mentally and think its ok to do that to people. discipline them when they do stuff that isn't ok. when your kids say that they don't feel well physically or mentally, for the love of god believe them. i cant even count how many times my parents made me stay at school when i was feeling sick or when i was having mental breakdowns. its horrible, don't do that to your kids. don't pick your spouse over your children, if you get divorced and remarried do not choose your new spouse and their kids over your own. that makes them feel less important. when your kids say that they're tired don't brush it off and say something like "well I work everyday to put food on the table and to keep a roof over your head, do you know how tired i am?" listen, your job may be hard but your child has to deal with school and a lot of other stuff throughout the day. they are also tired. DO NOT punish your child for explaining their side of the story and say you grounded them because they were "talking back" or "arguing". just be respectful and kind to your kids.
Getting them out of trouble financially. I was 11 when I got a paper route and I was too lazy to collect so every week my parents would pay the bill and I just collected when I needed the money. I hated that job and my dad wouldn’t let me quit so they paid for their neighbours newspaper for 3 years. That just taught me that they would probably bail me out and when I was 18 I got 2 credit cards and maxed them out, many many cell phone bills, I had no value of a dollar, didn’t know how to save, ruined my credit multiple times and I actually resent them for that because I didn’t take responsibility for anything. My children are different, I taught them about credit and savings accounts and to put at least 10% of their pay in savings just in case. They both have been working since young teenagers, never calling in, picking up shifts and I couldn’t be more prouder. My life would be a lot more comfortable now if I was taught not to rely on others, now I work pay to pay with nothing to show for it. Spoiling your kid is the worst thing you could ever do.
Why are like 5 of these "Don't have kids?" Once would've sufficed.
You can never tell people enough to stop breeding
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Why are like 5 of these "Don't have kids?" Once would've sufficed.
You can never tell people enough to stop breeding
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