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User Of This Online Group Asked Others “What Is Something Subtle People Say That Is A Red Flag To You?” And Here Are The 50 Best Answers
It takes some time to get to know another person. And it’s not only about what they do and what they like, but also how they interact with you and others. Some small, insignificant comments or remarks can actually have a hidden meaning and reveal that someone you know does not necessarily have good intentions. Throughout time, by getting to know others better and by gaining experience, people start to see signs of others being manipulative or inconsiderate. Having this in mind, Reddit user u/neilnelly asked people “What is something subtle people say that is a red flag to you?”
This gave a green light for other users to share what they find annoying and alarming about other people’s behavior, from people complimenting others just to achieve personal gain to imposing their own views on others when it's unwanted. Here is the list of 55 things people say to trick you into something that should be taken into account as these are some major red flags.
What are other obvious signs you know that people use to trick or deceive others? Leave your thoughts in the comments down below!
More Info: Reddit
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#1
I used to go to the bar after work with coworkers. One of the managers didn't go, but a coworker kept encouraging him to come out and party. He relented and said he'd come out for one drink. At the bar, he took a sip and said "ah, I haven't had a beer in 5 months". No one else took notice of that, but it struck me. He was gone a week later after coming into work drunk and doing something inappropriate.
To anyone reading this: If someone doesn't want to drink, accept no for an answer. They might have a very good reason to say no, and pressing them on it, especially when well intentioned, might make it much harder for them to say no.
Stephanie IV 4 years ago (edited)
Yes! accept a NO RIGHT AWAY! In any case! Would you like something to eat? No, thanks. OK! Would you like to join? No, thanks! OK! etc. So many potential triggers that people are desperate to steer clear of.
Michaelann Dahlman 4 years ago
Yes & not only that, repeated offers can start to feel like pressure or nagging.
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Toasty 4 years ago
I had a coworker who was asked to join us for drinks and respond by saying he was a recovering alcoholic. A few weeks later, someone pressured that coworker into having a drink, and he relented. He literally died from alcoholism less than two years later. I often think about that night, and wonder why I didn't step in and support his decision to abstain from drinking.
J. Normal 4 years ago
I can not imagine the guilt the person who convinced him to drink would feel, although I would presume said co-worker had a drinking problem also.
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Léandre Merceron 4 years ago
I do not drink, not because I have alcohol problems but because my parents own a bar, and I've seen way too la'y drunk people to know that I don't wanna be one. One day my coworkers invited me after work for a drink and one of them said "what would you invite her, she doesn't drink (alcohol)".. Made me realize how much pressure is around alcohol and how hard it must be for people who are really trying to get away from it.
J. Normal 4 years ago
I have always been a mostly non drinker - but enjoyed going out for A drink ( I would get a soda), I would then leave before the rest of them got smashed. Sorry your co-workers are jerks before alcohol.
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Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Pushing someone to drink is low. A former manager of mine never explicitly said he was an alcoholic, but he once said, "I don't drink". Given his lifestyle and manners (not good), I knew it was not for religious or moral reasons. When my colleague and I talked about what a jerk the manager was, my colleague suggested leaving a bottle of booze in the manager's office. I said, "Absolutely not." (And I would not have felt bad if my colleague had punched the guy.)
DKS 001 4 years ago (edited)
I work with 2 women who, whenever we bring food in for a birthday party or other thing, they INSIST you take home something. Cake, candy, etc. I keep trying to tell them I'm trying to lose weight. And after the first 'No' I give them, it isn't an invitation for 3-4 more times of them asking "are you sure???". By the 4th time they run away because I'm yelling at them a stern "NO!!!" Then they complain about me being grumpy.
Zophra 4 years ago
Maybe to be polite (or just shut them up) , take it and unfortunately trash it.
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Leigh C. 4 years ago
I can't stand those people who call you a prude just because you don't want to drink or alter your state of mind. It has nothing to do with being a goody-goody two shoes.
J. Normal 4 years ago
I found that I often got a contact "drunk/ tipsy" when around people who are drinking. I was at a party once were they were serving VIRGIN watermelon shots. Since I rarely drink I noticed there was no alcohol in them... yet everyone was smashed by the time I got there. I asked the host and he confided that he wanted to see if he could convince them they were drinking alcohol... it worked!
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Eithne Griffiths 4 years ago
I always had a problem with this.Now I say I am an alcoholic but I can enjoy your company .
RELATED:
#2
Idk if this is one, but when people say things like “I can say and do whatever I want” “it’s a free country. Ever hear of freedom of speech?” in order to justify s****y things they say or do. Like sure, you have the right to speak your mind, but people also have the right to judge you for what you say.
JennyLaRue 4 years ago
They forget that Freedom of Speech works in both directions of an opinion
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago
Non American: we had a chart on the wall at my high school that always stuck with me. It had two vertical columns with lists; one with your rights, and next to each right in the second column was your responsibility to give others that right. Ie "You have the right to be treated with respect - You have the responsibility to treat others with respect" etc. One can't exist without the other.
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Suzy the observer 4 years ago
Being free does not give you the right to act without consequences.
KatHat 4 years ago
The right to Freedom of Speech is one of the most misunderstood things in the United States. It guarantees you that the GOVERNMENT will not interfere with your right to say whatever you want (some exceptions, like "fire in a crowded theater" etc). There is NO guaranteed freedom from other consequences, including but not limited to: Loss of job; loss of spouse; people hitting you; people calling you an idiot; deplatforming by a private company that no longer wants to host your website; loss of membership in a private club; loss of account on a privately owned social media network... Free speech is about the GOVERNMENT not anything else.
Honu 4 years ago (edited)
Though, to be fair, hitting someone for offensive speech is punishable by law. Not much the legal system can do to prevent it, but it is not legal to do that.
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Mike Loux 4 years ago
Freedom of speech does not mean, "freedom from consequences of said speech".
Philip Devine 4 years ago
Mike - I like your statement: concise and accurate. Freedom of speech in a nutshell.
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denzoren 4 years ago
They also think that you can't offer a rebuttal an then it defeats the purpose of free speech...more like free but just for them.
K Witmer 4 years ago
Ikr I commented on someone saying a child was fat and ugly and they nearly had a stroke trying to justify what they said as freedom of speech but did not want me to say how vile they were
Load More Replies... TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
Freedom of Speech means the government can't shut you down. It doesn't, however, mean that people and businesses can't tell you to shut up and get out.
Anna Banana 4 years ago
There's also the "I'm just being honest!" one. I hate it so much. You don't get to be a d**k in the name of "honesty".
Michigan Guy 4 years ago
freedoms are paid for by responsiblility. the folks you're referring to have no clue that one has anything at all to do with the other...
#3
Don't be so sensitive (or something to that effect). Big warning sign that they A- don't care about your feelings, and B- can't take responsibility for their behaviour
ZombieGirl 4 years ago
I am an extremely sensitive person and that is all I would hear from my mother growing up. She never taught me how to not be sensitive, or offer me solutions...she just only made me worse, lol
Catlady6000 4 years ago
One thing that helped me, I had to make myself understand that none of it is about me. When someone is snappish(they're in physical pain), gives me a nasty look (just got bad news), or even outright cusses me out (I'm a server and their blood sugar was dropping), that realization really helped me develop a thick skin. The only time I worry about these things now is when it comes from the people I'm close to or work closely with, and only then if it's continuous, then, I grit my teeth, take a deep breath, and ask if I've done something wrong. Even then it's almost never me, it's something else, and when it is me , it's an opportunity to save a good relationship
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Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
There are better ways to discuss someone else's feelings. For example, if a new and inexperienced employee doesn't want to be criticized, the boss or colleague can explain why the criticism is necessary and ask what will make it easier for the employee to handle it. One of my former employers was blunt but effective: "If you can't take criticism, you'll never be a great artist!" The idea that he saw great things in me got my attention. I would not be as blunt with a new hire, but it worked for me.
Catlady6000 4 years ago
I love the way he worded that! As someone who does a lot of training, thanks!
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Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Upvote ten thousand times. If you hear this as a child, you spend your whole life sure that everything is your fault and that you deserve the crapfest, b/c few people who say "You're too sensitive" have, in *my* experience, ever meant anything but "YTA, IANTA." Yes, to a four-year-old child, the message is "You to blame."
Alexia 4 years ago
Yep, my parents too. Makes you feel like s**t. As an excuse, they used to tell me "this will make you a strong person". Well, at 6 y.o. you don't need to be "strong". You need to feel safe and protected.
Load More Replies... Michaelann Dahlman 4 years ago
My general response is "I won't be so sensitive when you stop being an asshole."
Marnie 4 years ago
There are people who use their sensitivity as emotional manipulation. I worked with a woman who seemed very "sweet", and she was obviously sensitive. Over time, I came to realize it was her way (unconsciously I believe) of avoiding every having to take any criticism, work on herself, improve, or quite frankly do even the bare minimum to be considered adequate to her job. She made our team walk on eggshells, communication faltered, work didn't get done, because we were all afraid to make her upset. It was immaturity and narcissism on her part. She also expected special treatment when she was pregnant. Like she couldn't take the elevator to work in the lab on the 2nd floor because that was too much walking (I guess?), so she just got out of doing a bunch of tasks. She acted like she should be treated gently like a favorite cat. Pregnant women can actually walk 20 feet and ride elevators more than twice per day. Some people really ARE too sensitive!
Mazer 4 years ago
Are used to hate teasing. I hated it with a passion, because my brother was a mean teaser. I learned otherwise when I was in a work environment where people were teasing each other all the time and I realized teasing can be fun, it’s not always hateful. Just check there intent and your unresolved issues. Things may not be as personal as you think they are
#4
It was just a joke. Where's your sense of humor?
Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
Schroedinger's Douchebag: The person who says something cruel and nasty, then decides whether it was "just a joke" based on the reaction they get.
Wally-Tonya Czyż 4 years ago
If you have to announce that "it was just a joke", then it was not funny nor called for.
Walter Brameld 4 years ago
Tell them you don't get the joke and ask them to explain it to you. Watch them turn red and stammer.
kodak 4 years ago
isn’t the point of a joke to make the other party laugh? if somebody makes a “dark” joke, and you don’t laugh, and then they get MAD at you for not laughing…take a moment and consider why they were making the joke in the first place. was it really to make you laugh, or was it to try and get you to agree with and verify their racist, misogynistic, homophobic mindset?
KAREN-LEIGH SCHMOCKER 4 years ago
I was married to one of those...it gets old really fast. (No longer married)
#5
“Ok fine I’m sorry happy?” That’s not an apology.
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Neither is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." An apology isn't valid unless you take responsibility for what you did. Nor does it matter whether you intended to hurt the person; you still did.
Carrie de Luka 4 years ago
I hate 'sorry if you were upset' when there is never any IF about it and it's not about the outcome but the actions taken by the person causing the upset.
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Casey McAlister 4 years ago
"I'm sorry if I did something". How can you be sorry when you aren't even sure if you should?
#6
Anything that exposes poor morals. For example, "I'll just say I never got it so they send me another one."
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Love this quote.
Bex 4 years ago
Ugh, I know a woman who was my "friend" for years (her driveway was my front yard, it was unavoidable) who does things like this all the time. Bit she also worries Jesus won't love her anymore bc her religion says no piercings and she got her ears pierced when she was a teenager (she's in her 40's now). Sad part is she completely doesn't see anything wrong w what she does or see anything odd about her thought process.
Louloubelle 4 years ago
So that whole "thou shalt not steal" thing went right out the window, and she's going to worry about an obscure reference to piercings?
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Mundane Adventures 4 years ago
Oh man. What gets me is when someone buys something, uses it, and returns it. Had a neighbor who did that with a big piece of heavy equipment from a hardware store.
Uchman 4 years ago
Yeah, a coworker was proudly telling me how he buys a fan at the start of summer then returns it as faulty once the summer is over. I lost all respect for him, especially as he's always going on about his religion when something else offends him
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First Name Last Name 4 years ago
This pic does not expose poor morals. It exposes common sense. The time and effort it takes to go through the established process of getting a refund on the damaged item and ordering a new one is *deliberately* over-burdensome. It is that way by design, in order to discourage people from doing it. If a company is deliberately making it hard for me to play by the rules, I have no moral obligation to do so.
K Witmer 4 years ago
I've actually have told a place that wouldn't accept a return for a broken keurig. It was the second one that broke in a few months. They said I had to send it back to the manufacturer and all this crap. So I said ok I'll buy a new one put the broken one in the box and return it at the store bc their policy was a runaround to trick you into not getting refunded. It worked I got a refund right then and there. I don't want to scam anyone so don't try to scam me.
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WildHoneyPie 4 years ago
It took me forever to snap that the package that was delivered to work under a name I didn't recognize wasn't a mix-up. My boss had deliberately ordered stuff under a false name. Looking back, yes, huge red flag!
moeless 4 years ago
Like the female veteran at work that told me she tipped nothing at a free-entree-for-vets event because she had to pay for her (alcohol) drink. She probably wasn't planning to tip anyway, just looking for an excuse. And yes she was one of the usual suspects that don't tip or under-tip.
#7
I'm not racist but
Scagsy 4 years ago
I'm not racist but prefer to judge people on the content of their character. Guess I'm a racist then.
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Leodavinci 4 years ago
Add to this the expression that "victims of racism can't be racist". Cris Rock skewered that that idea.
Walter Brameld 4 years ago
I like to change it up sometimes and preface some random non-racist comment with "I'm not racist but." For example, "I'm not racist but I think iridescent beetles are pretty."
Mary Rose Kent 4 years ago
I’m imagining you getting numerous quizzical looks
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Pittsburgh rare 4 years ago
Also "l have black/gay/trans/etc. friends" when discussing any social matter. So you're not a bigot because you have a poster child. Okay then
the annoying theatre kid 4 years ago
im not homophobic but, im not sexist but, no offense but, don't take this the wrong way but
Ian Bartels 4 years ago
Can we also add that "If you're black you can't be racists". Biggest load of horse crap. If you judge someone or discriminate against someone because of their skin, it's racists.
lara 4 years ago
There are comments that do not fulfill people's conceits. I am not "racist" but I think the Taliban are all monsters. I am not "racist" but I think that North Korea is a hellhole. I am not "racist" but I think China is worse than the 3rd Reich and I don't give a s**t if they have free health care.
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago (edited)
The error in your thinking is including race. The Taliban being monsters and North Korea being a hellhole have nothing to do with their race and everything to do with bad people doing things to others. Attila the Hun, Hitler, and Pol Pot were not horrible people because of their race. When you include "I'm not racist but" you are inferring their race is the reason they are doing bad things. You would never say "I don't hate nudists but I think people should wear sunscreen at the beach". Everything before the but infers blame while everything after is your point.
Load More Replies... #8
“I’m brutally honest” or some other excuse to be an unbearable person.
JennyLaRue 4 years ago
Anyone can be brutally honest, but everyone else has probably worked out that people don't respond well to the lack of tact, sensitivity and empathy, so it doesn't bode well for the long term if you're just rolling round making people feel s**t about themselves.
E Bytes 4 years ago
I’m blunt and honest. I try not to be brutal and instead try to be helpful. My social skills aren’t the greatest thanks to being Autistic and I realize that. I have a hard time because I want to help people get out of the shitty situation they’re in and sometimes that’s not what people want.
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Something 4 years ago
"The person who is brutally honest enjoys the brutality quite as much as the honesty. Possibly more."
OhForSmegSake 4 years ago
What's funny is a lot of these "brutally honest" types can't handle it if you are brutally honest back at them for once.
Lyn Arnold 4 years ago
"People who claim to be brutally honest are usually more pleased with the brutality than the honesty."
Lynne Stark 4 years ago
Ugh I work with woman who does this all day to our customers and co-workers. She comes off as a super jerk, and then adds, "I'm just being honest"
Louloubelle 4 years ago
I'd say to her, no you're not being "just" honest, you're being rude as well.
Load More Replies... #9
Treating service staff poorly, then turning around and being disingenuous.
Carmen Sandiego 4 years ago
"Oh why are you being nice to them?" "I dunno, maybe, just maybe, they are also human?! Mindblowing, I know."
Lola 4 years ago
I used to work as a waitress years ago. If that job taught me anything, it was to be able to read people. Countless times you would get treated like crap by people who then turn to the people they’re eating with a pretend to be all nice. People who have no regard for service people, are a different category of asshole if you go on a first date with someone like that, run as fast as you can. Mistreating wait staff indicates much deeper problems.
Sandra Givens 4 years ago
My late husband have worked a lot of service jobs before he became an RN, and he was always appreciative of wait staff, hotels maids and the people at his hospital who created a safe and pleasant environment for everyone, like the cleaners and runners who brought the meals and drugs for them.
alex cosgrove 4 years ago
My ex was a bartender and treated most servers like idiots. He’d get super pouty and pissy and any and everything from waiting 5 mins for water, to mad about table placement. He’d get so huffy and refused to tip if they offended him more than a couple times which was not only a big red flag but it shows zero empathy. He was a psychopath.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
No respect for the dignity of others. They think it makes them look like big, important people, but it only serves to make them look like very small, nasty, and insecure assholes.
#10
If they wronged you and say something like, "I'm such a terrible person, you should leave me." It's them trying to force sympathy on them instead of genuinely apologizing to you. They're not going to change if you stay.
Nay Wilson 4 years ago
my mother used to say this to me, leaving me feeling like i had no choice but to reply with 'no you're not, you're a good person' (FYI, she wasnt a good person, she was narcissistic and abusive)
Carmen Sandiego 4 years ago
I hope you've cut contact with her! Are you better now?!
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~hUmMuS vIbEs~ 4 years ago
This is just an opportunity for jerks to make everything about them even when they were the one who did something wrong.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
The best reply to this is to take it at face value and give them exactly what they’re asking for. You simply say “Goodbye then”, and walk away. Their little game will come to an end right there—-and with YOU as the winner, instead of them.
Kira Okah 4 years ago (edited)
Was no one else forced to put themselves down after accidentally dropping something or the like, or was that just my dad? My father made me call myself a disgusting and terrible person that no one deserves for any accidental slight or fumble and it took me a long time to not immediately react in this way to every error or accident. It wasn't malicious or manipulating an action on my part, it's what I was told to do.
May 4 years ago
My dad was mentally abusive, and would call me all sorts of things when he had one of his temper tantrums, but he never made me say it. That's next level.
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Ryan-James O'Driscoll 4 years ago
Yes. It sounds like accountability, but it isn't. It shows no accountability not understanding. It's just a manipulation of emotion.
OhForSmegSake 4 years ago
I've been hearing that kind of bullshit all my life from my mother. Its a kind of manipulation technique to change the narrative so they become the victim.
#11
I personally move away from people who constantly one up someone's story or experience
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago (edited)
Again putting this out there: some ppl genuinely have learned that sharing a common experience with someone is a good way to make social bonds. I only recently learned just how many people do not seem to feel this way. I already knew to rein in it and only share experiences sometimes, but I don't ever do it as oneupsmanship. I'm finding myself less sure nowadays about ever doing it at all, which sucks because it is one of my learned strategies and I don't have a big arsenal to choose from
F-Dup 4 years ago
I think you are absolutely fine to add your own version of a particular experience from time to time. My view on it is this: it’s problematic if I launch straight into my own tale as soon as the other person has finished theirs. I think it gives the impression I’ve just been waiting for them to finish rather than listening to them. I’ve learned to ask questions and try to be sure they’ve expressed themselves fully before adding my bit. Also, an opener such as “I think I can relate. One time at band camp…” seems to work better as it doesn’t assume our stories are totally the same.
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TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
If I'm going to do this, I usually start with "Oh man, I know what you mean. Had something just like it, this one time..." so they know I'm trying to relate, instead of overshadow.
Deanna 4 years ago (edited)
On the other end, there are people who want to talk about their experiences but don’t want to hear about yours. I had a cousin who droned on and on about things he had gone through, but when my mom attempted to tell him about something that had happened to her, he shut her down and said, “Let’s not compare tragedies.” Sorry, but you’re not the only person in the world who has ever had something bad happen to you, asshole. Other people have a right to tell their stories, too.
Ryan-James O'Driscoll 4 years ago
Be careful. Are they really trying to one up, or are they just sharing!
ADDchallengedINFP-T 4 years ago
Yep, is this the same? I tell something about myself, and without any comments, the friend tells more about hers.
#12
I’m a guy but anytime I hear other guys say “friend zone” or “girls only date a**holes” or anything that sounds incel/misogynistic, I’m not going to be too fond of the person
Lj 4 years ago
I really dont get the friend zone. 100% of the men and women that are in my life (by choice) are my friends. So by this logic, all are in the friend-zone...??! How is that bad? It's an honor for me to be considered someone's friend. And if I get a romantic/sexual partner (or more), then 99,9999% of the others left are still my friends, so, "friend-zoned"... What's the alternative? Lol
Jon S. 4 years ago
But surely 99.999% of people do not want to date you? That's when someone is friend zoned, when you consider them a nice person you want in your life, but so...boring?....unattractive?....whatever...that you'd never consider them as a romantic possibility. The classic definition of a man in the friendzone is one who the woman trusts enough help her pick out a dress for a date (which he will do, because he is your friend) even though all he really wants is to be that date. Although this has been blurred recently into any man told "let's just be friends" as a knock back. I'll let other people debate as to whether the term has any moral legitimacy.
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Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
FFS, are we expected to be attracted to EVERYBODY? Sometimes all you want is a friend, a close relationship that isn’t complicated by sex and love. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Oh, and btw, women can be “friend zoned” too. Difference between women and men is women who are friend zoned by some guy generally don’t act like whiny little bitches about it and just suffer in silence until they just get over it.
Unnamed Hooman 4 years ago
I have heard so much of “Girls like bad boys”… NO- 1, we like who happens to appeal to us 2, not ALL girls. I for one, like the nice guys. They have at least some class, and they aren’t jerks.
Llama_flower93 4 years ago
I'm fine with the term friend zone existing it just depends how you use it. My husband was technically in the friend zone with me for about a year before I considered him for dating. I think it's dumb when someone won't date someone because they friend zoned them, as if they're off limits now or something. I also hate when guys won't accept being friends and try to date the woman and won't accept no for an answer. It's not the term it's the people.
Lj 4 years ago
What happened to you, also happened with my parents! :) My mother only wanted to be friends, she had no romantic or marriage aspirations in her life. He gave her 1 year to decide if she wanted him in her life, as a friend and a partner (boyfriend with the goal of marrying). He waited for her. By the end of the year, they were such tight friends, she couldn't imagine not having him in her life ;P. They're still so good together.
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DelvianBlue 4 years ago
The friend zone thing is so annoying. I have a couple of guy friends who just won't stop pushing me to go out with them, trying to trick me into dating them by asking me to go somewhere and then telling me about how I'm their girlfriend now (do I get a say in this?), constantly asking me out or trying to hold my hand, buying me surprise gifts and then expecting something in return. Why can't I have male friends who are just friends without them expecting me to give in and be their girlfriend if they keep pushing for more?
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
Fun fact, the guys who are in the "friend zone" chose to be there out of their own volition. You can't get "friend zoned" if you refuse it.
K Witmer 4 years ago
People that are "friend zoned" are just friends that's all. There was never any romantic possibility therefore they are just a friend. I don't know why people don't understand that so weird
Load More Replies... #13
Positive vibes only!
Sergio Bicerra Descalzi 4 years ago
I'm so sorry, but smile! (Yeah right...)
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Connie Martin 4 years ago
My (former) pastor has a sign on his desk that says Good Vibes Only. Imagine going in for counseling when you're in despair and being shut down before you've even said anything. Toxic positivity. Not a pastoral attitude, to say the least.
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
"Leave your depression/anxiety at the door." Would you ask someone to leave their broken leg at the door?
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
When I was in high school (shortly after high school was invented), I'd been trapped in an abusive family situation and gotten bullied pretty much daily for years. And then that FVCKING Bobby McFerrin song, "Don't Worry Be Happy", came out and started getting played all over the place. Well hey, thanks for making me feel even $hittier for merely existing. When I finally started seeing a counselor, it took me years to begin to open up because I was so used to being punished for feeling badly. Like my s/n? That's mainly where it came from.
Anthony Nizza 4 years ago
Ohhhh Ive always hated that song!!! For the same reason.
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~hUmMuS vIbEs~ 4 years ago
I've seen shirts in shops that say 'no bad days', which I don't think makes any sense.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
And it’s 100% pure, unadulterated bullshit. Plus these fake happy idiots are f*****g exhausting to be around, and aren’t fooling anybody, no matter how hard they try.
#14
“I try to be more like my kids’ friend than their mom.”
Viviane 4 years ago
Sometimes, you have to risk being hated by your kids to raise them into functioning adults. It sucks, it's hard, but being liked all the time should not be the primary goal of raising them.
Night Owl 4 years ago
Exactly. You need to set boundaries and rules and be consistent in enforcing them, that gives a sense of security to the kids, and that's an important part of parenting
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Kristy P 4 years ago
The old gem: "If you raise your children, you can spoil your grandchildren. If you spoil your children you will have to raise your grandchildren".
Nicki 4 years ago
This is true! I love hanging out with my kids, but when I have to hold them accountable for something they did wrong (I hate using the word punishment), I always explain that I take no joy in doing it (in fact I hate it) but for every action, there is a reaction and the sooner they learn this, the better their life will be when mom and dad aren't around.
Load More Replies... Full Name 4 years ago
A long time ago when my wife was pregnant with our first I asked my father-in-law for some advise. He told me "you have to love them enough to let them hate you sometimes". Some of the best parenting advice I ever got.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
In the long run, your children might end up loving you for those times they hated you. A woman talked about how tough it was to be hated by her teenage son. Then he grew up into a good adult and wrote to her, "What I am, I owe to you." Another, in his late teens, told his mother that he wanted to marry a woman like her. His mother pushed him to do well in school and stay out trouble and he probably wants a partner who's not afraid to bring out his best. (His father is a bit of the "friend" type, so his mother balances that out)
Load More Replies... deanna woods 4 years ago
Parents are not supposed to be their kids' friends. If they were, they wouldn't be called parents.
Derek Neibarger 4 years ago
A stupid myth. It doesn't have to be one or the other, you can and should be both a parent and a friend to your children.
Leodavinci 4 years ago
That has not worked out well for anyone I know who has tried to do that. In one family I know, it produced a son who is a non-functioning adult who has problems with the law and is into drugs, and a daughter who (while under 18) produced several children with a married man who gave no child support. Daughter died, leaving 3 small children that her mother adopted and raised... the same way she raised her children. Less than 18 years old granddaughter is now pregnant by a young man with mental health issues.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Listen, you just have to be a parent to your kids, especially while they’re still growing up. Kids do not know how to raise themselves and need their parents’ guidance way more than their friendship. Once they’re fully mature, then you can be kinda like a friend to them too—-TOO, as well, in addition—-meaning alternating between or blending the roles of parent and friend to your adult children.
#15
“Yeah, but YOU don’t act black.”
The f**k?
denzoren 4 years ago
How is someone supposed to act an ethnicity/race. Don't give in to stereotypes.
Nicki 4 years ago
I get this all the time! it is infuriating!! "You don't sound or act black" What does that even mean?!? I will tell you what it means, they are basically saying, "You don't act the way I have seen the examples of black people act in the media i.e. gangsters, hood rats, rappers, or on TV shows." What people need to understand is that black people are not required to "act" a certain way, we are not always a stereo type and we have many dimensions as a people.
לילי וילקר 4 years ago
My wife is autistic so you can literally see which tv show with "autistic" character they base is on (worst are the Big Bang fans)
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J. F. 4 years ago (edited)
Actually that's not something bound to race - white and black people tend to say that alike. The BBC diversity manager (POC,woman) for example once called a role of Ildris Elba not "black enough" and reasoned with massive stereotypes
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Raven DeathShade 4 years ago
I get "but you don't have the goth attitude". And who actually knows how goths act, dad? You? You haven't met a goth in 20 years.
Tristan J 4 years ago
The passage of time does not diminish my understanding of how goths act, though in that time, aspects of popular culture have conflated behaviour of goths with emo and, more recently, sad boi subcultures, and genre crossing artists have perhaps redefined what being a goth means to younger generations, to the point where it does not necessarily match with the clear associations older generations would have with it. Whilst not a homogeneous group, the distinction between variations of related subcultures could be quite fickle, and the chances of figuring out the idiosyncrasies in relative isolation (and with the relative lack of closely related subcultures now) is relatively low.
Load More Replies... deanna woods 4 years ago
Yes, this is always inappropriate. People are not walking stereotypes.
#16
Making rude comments about homeless ppl and being rude to waitstaff
Anthony Mann 4 years ago
Those people almost always feel like that could NEVER happen to them. It's always a failing of the waiter/homeless person's (morality/religion/class/race - take your pick) in their eyes, and only that reason.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Some people don’t want to put in the time and effort to improve themselves, so look for lazy ways to feel superior. One of those ways is to act like some accident of birth makes them better (racism and classism are two examples). Another is to pick on the smaller and weaker instead of someone their own size, because they know they can beat them. Yet another is to abuse some semblance of power imbalance. One way to do that is by abusing someone who is in no position to challenge you, such as wait staff that has to put up with you because tips from customers make up the bulk of their wages. The other is to kick someone when they’re down and in no shape to fight back, like someone who’s homeless, has to sleep on the street if there’s no room at a shelter, and needs a handout to buy some cheap food. Anyone who abuses people who can’t fight back is a sorry excuse for a human being—-a f*****g bully. The rest of us need to stop ignoring it and letting it happen. Call them out for it—LOUDLY!
R Carson 4 years ago
But for the grace of God.....be thankful that your circumstances are better.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
If karma actually existed, they would get an extended taste of those situations from which they feel so smugly immune.
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Karen Lyon 4 years ago
I had casual date with a man who was complaining, about some guy who had parked his RV in the neighborhood, as lockdown restrictions were easing up. He made some flip comment about this guy not really being homeless, he had a home. My response was basically, "Oh, I don't think so. You try living like that." That date was the last I heard from the man. Not really sorry about it, I have to say.
LittlePrincessBelladona 4 years ago
I had a similar experience a few months back, my boyfriend and I had gotten in a fight so I left for a little to go cool off I didn't go far just down the road to where Walmart and Costco is and parked in a bare part of the lot. I saw a homeless man standing at the corner by that exit he wasn't doing anything he wasn't bothering anyone he wasn't even approaching cars unless they waved him over or honked for him to come over to them. A car drove by and they threw drinks out the window at him! I was so heartbroken for him I hadn't even thought to grab my wallet or purse before leaving, I remembered I had a tote of old clothes in the bed of my truck so I dug threw found an old shirt and gave it to him and then I went home. A week later my boyfriend and I went to stop at Walmart before going to a friends for the day I saw the same man there still being polite not bothering anyone just patiently waiting for help. When my boyfriend went into the store I asked him to get a few bottles of c.
LittlePrincessBelladona 4 years ago
cold water (it was a particularly hot day and the humidity was awful!) and a twenty from the machine I had told him what happened, he did without argument and when we left we gave the man the things we had gotten he looked up from my boyfriend (who is a 6'5 giant of a man and probably scared the crap out of the poor guy at first) and saw me and the look of recognition that it was me and the gratitude on his face warmed my heart and it is something I will NEVER forget.
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#17
Non-apologies.
“I’m sorry you got offended by what I said.”
K. Lange 4 years ago
i learned this phrase while working for a callcenter. Because you shouldn*t apologize for what happened (for reasons of liability) but apologize for the feelings the caller has, so that he feels heard.
Bettina Jansen 4 years ago
When I learned it (hotel reception work in France) the phrasing was (approximately) "I understand that you feel...." They specifically taught us not to apologise because the customers might interpret it as us admitting to being at fault, but show empathy and/or understanding instead.
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Leodavinci 4 years ago
Wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for the fact that many, many people get offended simply because someone disagreed with them.
Ba Lulu 4 years ago
If someone disagree, then do noet say you're sorry. Simply say that the other is entitled to disagree.
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Eslamala 4 years ago
It makes sense if what you said wasn't offensive and the person is just a snowflake
Patty O'Heater 4 years ago
Some people seem to be addicted to being offended. These self-centred narcissists become increasingly reactionary and all have their own personal agendas and lines drawn in the sand. All is fine unless their particular line gets crossed. Which, of course, in the mind of the self-centred narcissist, is the only line that matters.
Vicki Thill 4 years ago
So, if I offend you by swearing while I speak and you call me out on it, is it not okay to say, "I'm sorry that you were offended by what I said."? Is it the word "got" in your statement that upsets you? I'm confused, is it the poor grammar that offends you? It's okay to be sorry to have offended someone and say it out loud to the offended; it's actually smiled upon, especially if you change your behavior around that person after the apology.
Christine Brand 4 years ago
Sometimes what was said genuinely wasn't offensive and someone got offended anyway. There is a place for this kind of apology and it can be genuine.
Debbie 4 years ago
Non-apoligies are only a red flag if it is used wrong. Someone can genuinely feel bad that what they said hurt, but it might have been the truth. Should they have not told the truth?
Debbie 4 years ago
(not meaning when people are insulting.. there is so much context missing!)
Load More Replies... #18
If you can't handle me at my worst you don't deserve me at my best.
~hUmMuS vIbEs~ 4 years ago
Red as the blood I'll shed when people use this as an excuse to be jerks.
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Burs 4 years ago
This really depends on the context. A good partner or friend should be there when the person is “at their worst” in the sense of being depressed or ill. Too many people leave you if you don’t put a smile face and pretend to be happy all the time. Most people in chronically ill forums that I speak to have lost most of their friends once their started being ill and not fun anymore.
Burs 4 years ago
But of course it does not mean “I can be a jerk and you need to be ok with it”. That is very different of course.
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Rae Reyn 4 years ago
If you can't handle me at my worst, that's fair, I don't like me at my worst. Take a break, come back after I've had tacos.
DarkAngelNic 4 years ago
I see fellow women post this on social media and all I can think is how about you try putting effort into not to be an awful person that someone has to deal with in hopes of seeing a glimmer of a decent person.
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago
This infers they expect unconditional approval regardless of their actions and they have no interest in the needs of others. I expect you to suffer my stones and arrows in silence and worship me as your god.
Lisa Carr 4 years ago
I like this statement. To me it means if you can't be around me when I am at my lowest ( I have BPD among several other diagnosis) then I don't want you around when I am feeling/doing my best. It's like "oh you only like me during my manic or happy go lucky days." But as soon as the days get to hard for me ya know when I need you the most, they are no where to be found. That's my interpretation of this saying.
Jill Tremblay 4 years ago
Well now I have to agree with this one because if you're sick or hurt for example and your partner can't be the least bit helpful or compassionate and expects you to "suck it up" then....... You don't deserve me at my best
Al Christensen 4 years ago
Okay, but when will I have the privilege of seeing you at your best?
#19
"Sorry I did this and that, It's just my inner zodiac sign."
Like, your zodiac sign doesn't define you, you're just being a s****y person and using that phrase as a cover up.
Stannous Flouride 4 years ago
This is the dawning of the age of Asparagus.
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DarkAngelNic 4 years ago
I like the fun novelty of astrology as much as the next person and the meyer-briggs personality types but I am my own person and I take responsibility for my own actions whether they are good or bad.
Carmen Sandiego 4 years ago (edited)
Me too, and good for you! I simply participate in it w/my friends to see whose fortune is better and rub it in my friends' faces if it's mine. I don't really believe in it tho.
Load More Replies... Viviane 4 years ago
Years back, someone taught me astrology. I haven't used it in years, but it could come in handy with jerks: "You're a ___? What's your ascendant? The ascendant is reeeeally important and it can make a huuuuge difference. You're going to have to get your chart done. You'll have to know your exact time and place of birth to get your ascendant. After that, you can figure out where the houses are. Do you know what houses your planets are in?"
Catlady6000 4 years ago
Someone did this for me when I was in high school. Came back with dinner-plate sized eyes and told me I am a double Gemini. I still don't know what that means
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Mama Penguin 4 years ago
"I'm just brutally honest. I'm a [insert zodiac sign]. That's how I am!" No, Sandra, you're just being an abrasive jackfruit.
Anthony Picco 4 years ago
I am an astrologer, and I find that BS, too. Astrology is NOT an excuse.
Marie 4 years ago
"My (astrological sign) guy and is like a (astrological sign) guy so I don't always get along with him because I'm a (astrological sign)." Whaaaat? That means nothing to me because I've studied all that stuff and none of it means anything since different people make up different things for each sign.
The Fairy Dogmother 4 years ago
Or the opposite, “Oh, that’s right, you’re a Pisces.” In a condescending tone that somehow is meant to make you feel bad about yourself
#20
When people talk s**t on their spouses. Like even in the most subtle way it’s still not appropriate small talk. If it’s my best friend and she’s telling me about a hardship or a fight, different. But when I’m meeting you for the first time I shouldn’t be able to pick up that you dislike your spouse/SO.
Bettina Jansen 4 years ago
Same with those who badmouth exes when talking with people they barely know.
iblowsheep 4 years ago
I used to do this, until one day in mid sentence i realized, no body wants to hear this s**t, and it was an eye opener to me, and i realized how much of an asshole i must look like.
Catlady6000 4 years ago
This is where that brutal honesty thing is sometimes needed. When my marriage stated to decay, I did not realize how bad I was getting until a very good friend detailed exactly what I was doing. She made me cry. All day. Thank God. It had gotten to the point that it was becoming an obsession.
lilmiss_smile@hotmail.com 4 years ago
Agree!! If you are not happy do something about it...don't tell me.
deanna woods 4 years ago
My sister used to work with a guy who hated his wife, but stayed married to her.
A Cat Named Dragon 4 years ago
If nothing else, it is rude… and it makes me feel so uncomfortable to be around people who do this. I’m not going to agree… I’m certainly not going to join in… so it’s just like… “uhhh… yeah so what do you think about this crazy weather?”
#21
When they disagree with someone, they default to attacking the person's character instead of their actions. We all do this from time to time, but with some people it's every time. The guy who messed up their order is "an idiot". Their boss is "an evil sociopath". The person on Facebook who expressed a political view that opposes theirs is "a degenerate". That new intern at work is "hopeless". In the end, the final result is that anyone they disagree with for any reason is either an inherently bad person who doesn't really merit listening to.
R Carson 4 years ago
Free speech has consequences-it would be nice to agree to disagree without personal attacks.
Essex Eagle 4 years ago (edited)
Never going to happen in the current climate. Sadly.
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Neil Bidle 4 years ago
Irony that people do this on a daily basis on BP! It's the same kind of crap as people surrounding themselves with only like-minded people, reading a certain type of news, and generally refusing to even consider the point of view of anyone but themselves.
KatHat 4 years ago
This is really important, but at some point there is truth to it. The examples of relatively trivial behavior are good examples of when NOT to do this. When someone is consistently racist, or anti-science, or supports an insurrection, or is happy to go along with democracy-destroying lies, sometimes that DOES speak to a deeper character flaw (even if it's being impossibly weak and gullible).
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
It’s called dehumanizing them. It’s a way of convincing yourself—-more than convincing anyone else—-that your abuse of them is justified, because the person disagreeing is such a horrible monster/defective creature, they actually deserve the treatment you’re giving them. Yeah, f****d up logic, I know. But there you have it.
Mazer 4 years ago
It just goes to show me that they have no merit to their side of the argument/debate. If you have merit to your side of the argument/debate then you can argue/debate all day about it. The first person who resorts to third grade behavior (name calling etc) is the person who loses the argument/debate. I’d like to add that a lot of times when people are losing their side of a debate or argument they pile stuff on the table that has nothing to do with the actual initial subject, They deflect and it drives me nuts
Kazuki Homare 4 years ago
I am so sorry it's not related but is that guy's front teeth missing?
#22
“I’m a nice guy” …. Sure you are. Why you gotta justify to me just show it.
Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
And the louder and more often they say it, the more of an insufferable jerk they probably are.
Load More Replies... DarkAngelNic 4 years ago
I don't know why you got downvoted because it is true. Must have been a "nice guy".
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Carrie DeHaven 4 years ago
I remembering some commenters from the friendzone post.
Load More Replies... Stannous Flouride 4 years ago
Someone I've known for a while said to me the other day, "That's because you're a nice guy." It sort of surprised me. Not because I don't try or put a lot of effort into being one, but because when I think about myself it's not the way I picture myself.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
See also: "I'm a man." No, I am not trying to be sexist-- every man I've known who has said that has had rage issues and/or is abusive, apparently as a result of his narrative being challenged in any way (real or perceived). Please feel free to come up with a valid example for women, because we certainly aren't innocent just because we've got two X chromosomes.
Catlady6000 4 years ago
Usually for women It seems to be either "I'm grown!" or "You don't know me!" with an occasional "It's just the way I am!"
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#23
When they are the victim in all of their stories.
I had a colleague who didn't really have any friends outside of work. All of her stories were about how each of her friends had stabbed her in the back at one time or another. She went travelling to Australia with 6 girls and left early because they didn't want to do the things she wanted. It was glaringly obvious that she was the issue but still tried to play the sweet victim.
There is another girl from my high school who has gained quite a few followers on social media through sharing her stories of being bullied in school for being bald. No one can remember that ever happening, she was quite popular but had lost touch with her group as you do when you move away for college. Also, she was never bald.
Red flags when people enjoy pity.
DarkAngelNic 4 years ago
"Also, she was never bald." How can someone make a blatant lie and think no one is going to know? So freakin' weird.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
It doesn't matter if only a few people know the truth. The strangers will believe the lie.
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Deanna 4 years ago (edited)
I took a job at an elementary school as an assistant, and the teacher I was assigned under complained that she was “picked on” by other staff and that her previous assistants were constantly reporting her to admin “for no reason”. I felt bad for her at first, but then I saw her in action and how mean and hateful she was to her students and assistants, and I quickly realized all the complaints against her were completely justified. I mean, she was an absolute b*tch to those kids, and yet she wondered why she never received gifts for Christmas like the other teachers did. *facepalm* She ended up resigning halfway through the school year after she got in trouble for screaming at another assistant for trying to help a student with his assignment. (She called it “coddling” if you tried to help the students with anything. Did I mention that these were special needs kids?)
Jane Alexander 4 years ago
R___s wife had a mastectomy. He told me about it like someone had taken his toys away.
Vasileios Terpanis 4 years ago
Yes, sorry Svetlana, your man didn't leave because he wasn't "man" enough to marry you. You are just a horrible person to begin with!
#24
Maybe this is nitpicky but people who give nicknames or use a shortened version of your name without asking if you mind it. It's annoyed me my whole life and always seems to correlate with them not respecting more serious boundaries later on.
Lisa Shaw 4 years ago
This one bothers me too, has done since I was a child, I always use the name the person introduced themselves with, if they say David, I call them David, I never presume to call them Dave unless they specifically say "I go by Dave".
Jerry T 4 years ago (edited)
It's funny you chose "Dave." A guy in my friend group was introduced to me as "Dave." We never really got along. I just got a weird vide from him and we just rub each other the wrong way. For the sake of our group I always went out of my way to try and make friends but never got very far. Then one day he was speaking to someone else and I overheard him say he hated when people called him "Dave." I pulled him aside and apologized and explained that that was how he was introduced to me. We have been cool ever since.
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Henry Cheves 4 years ago
People always call me Hank. When I first heard it, I was 7 and thought they had a hearing problem, so I tried yelling my name at them.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
You never, ever mess with a person’s name. It. Is. Their. Name. It’s part of their identity. You better make a concerted effort to pronounce it correctly, or ask for the correct pronunciation if you falter at it. People are always so pleased if you make the effort to say their names correctly, as it indicates you have enough respect for them to care enough to get it right, and everyone likes to be respected and cared about. You also better call them what they want to be called. If Robert introduces himself as Robert, don’t go calling him Bobby. If you consistently call him Robert, he may give you permission to call him Bobby—-but HE gives permission, you do not take it. It’s his f*****g name, not yours!
Jenny Pugh 4 years ago
Same. I was only ever Jennifer if my Mom was cross with me!
Load More Replies... Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
I go by context and person. I don't think my boss and colleagues call me Viv to make me feel bad, since they are very nice to me (I don't mind being called Viv). However, I do hate being addressed by endearments in the workplace. I can tell someone I don't care for it. If they go along with what I want, I'll assume they simply made a mistake. If they continue to call me endearments, I'll assume they're disrespectful assholes.
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Teresa Taylor 4 years ago
YES!! My name is Teresa. It is not Terry or Tess or anything else you decide it is. Another pet peeve is when someone insists on spelling my name with an "h" in it. This happens often even though my email address(es) clearly indicate there is no "h" and I SIGN every message with my (correctly spelled) name.
Deanna Crichley 4 years ago
I always ask people what they like to be called, after being called Dee one too many times.
#25
But you're so good at it. Aka I'll compliment you in the hope that you'll take this task off my hands.
Leodavinci 4 years ago
Worse yet is a family member (looking at spouse) who "volunteers" you to other family members or friends to "help" with something because you have some amount of knowledge/experience with it. No... just no. I don't want the responsibility if something goes wrong or doesn't work.
OhForSmegSake 4 years ago
I had a family member volunteer me to help their friend with a week's worth of house painting for free- while I was recovering from a back injury. The worst thing about this was that I was not told about it. The friend rang me up on day one of the "job" and went nuts at me for not turning up. I had no fking idea I had been volunteered!
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Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
What I particularly hate is when you do something for someone as a one time favor—-ONE TIME FAVOR—-and suddenly they start expecting it and it becomes your f*****g job. That’s when I cut them loose and let them sin’ or swim. Though it is trickier when it happens at work—-so don’t be overly willing to do favors in a new job until you have a better understanding about how that turns out in that particular company.
Llama_flower93 4 years ago
You should just tell the person that they're really bad at it and need practice. Lol
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
"But honey you cook so much better..." OK, true, but he could learn, y'know?
DetongLhamo 4 years ago
Got loaded with keeping a group house clean. My housemate said I di it all because I was “house proud”. If I was proud of the house I wouldn’t have had to have done ALL of the cleaning just for the sake of normal hygiene!
Robert Robi Z 4 years ago
'Oh, I'm sure Robert will do it for you, won't you Robbie dear?' No.
Al Christensen 4 years ago
I learned at an early age that if I had been coerced into "volunteering" for some odious task, don't do it well. Otherwise they'd ask me more often because I had experience. Later I learned to just remove myself form situations where people were constantly coerced into "volunteering."
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
I was injured at work and on Worker's Comp for a while. The company wanted to put me on light duty which was fine but the way they presented it ticked me off. She says, "you like computer, right, so this is a good job for you." It was data entry which is not "computers". It's boring, tedious trained-monkey work. Computers is IT, not data entry. So doing the job was fine, not that I had a choice, but don't insult my intelligence please. Just tell me to do the stupid job.
#26
“I just tell it like it is…”
Is a red flag for me personally.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
This is a lot like the "brutal honesty" one above. There's "telling it like it is" and there's "being a douchehammer".
Catlady6000 4 years ago
I can. I prefer brutal honesty. I'm about to give you some. Almost every comment you make has been derogatory, putting others down. This is not a good way to develop yourself as a person. You may feel it makes you seem strong, but it really exposes you as week and afraid to be kind or nice. It takes courage to be nice, kind because doing so draws others, and can open us up to hurt. Please stop being so afraid. Yes you will be hurt, and often, but that is a far smaller pain than being alone. The mosquito bites that come from friends hurt far less than the damage you're doing to yourself. Make yourself look for the good in others and tell them, say thank you and please, and remember that just because someone is doing something different than you, doesn't make them wrong. Please
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Anthony Mann 4 years ago
It's usually just trying to excuse being a jerk, racist, or an a**hole. Or all three.
Louloubelle 4 years ago
"Telling it like it is". Well, that's just an opinion. If I had a nickel for every time I heard trump supporters say this, I'd be rich. They'd still be wrong, but I'd be rich. Any time someone uses this saying, they rarely give you any supporting information for what "it" is.
Rage Racer 4 years ago
if you ask me for advice because you want me to agree with something your trying to convince yourself is okay and you know its not, don't be shocked if I don't bend my morals to sugar coat the fact I don't agree with you. Red Flag or not I will tell you the truth.
Pat Bond 4 years ago
I've had bosses from the North (sheffield) who are very much plain speakers, no BS with them. They are good in the sense you know exactly where you stand with them, you do well you recieve praise, you do bad and yes, you'll know about it. I learnt more from those two bosses than any others in my youth.
Catlady6000 4 years ago
Usually unsolicited, unnecessary and self serving. Having benefitted from brutal honesty, I am a fan of it. When someone is saying this, it's usually only as they see it, not as it really is
Louloubelle 4 years ago
Someone said "just because you think it, doesn't mean it needs to come out of your mouth".
Load More Replies... #27
If they compliment themselves often but rarely or never others, for me that's an obvious narcissistic trait.
Thorfin Wolfsbane 4 years ago
you can tell a narcissist by the number of personal pronouns and self references they use. For my sister, 9 sentences out of 10 include one of these words: I, me, my or mine.
Carrie de Luka 4 years ago
Hello, we appear to share a sister. She also has no idea how to apologise and thinks everything she says is worth hearing.
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SobyKay 4 years ago
There is something like this from narcissists that is hard to describe, like a stifled jealousy. Always talking about themselves as if they know everything and everyone and can do all things right. Then in a situation of someone else's shining success, they complement them all right...but in a very shallow way, with a very reserved or monotone expression. Everyone else can be shouting congrats and this person will say, "So...happy....for you," thru almost gritted teeth. They might come off as lovely lovely people to everyone else around him, but being raised by a narcissist has given me an antenna for one. And this kind of behaviour gives me the chills.
#28
When they try to fish compliments. For example they say: ‘why am I so ugly?’
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
I worry this is what people think I'm doing... when I genuinely just hate myself for no reason.
Vera1 4 years ago
That's my problem with this post too. People who do this are just insecure. Why would it bother you at all? Just say that you think they are very pretty, or you like their eyes, or that you think they are very funny, or whatever. But please don't make fun of them. Frankly, I don't understand why this would bother anyone.
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Kimberly Buchanan 4 years ago
I so hate that!! I just ignore comments like that. I don't encourage it
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago
Reply "do you want the honest answer?" and they will stop asking when they realize they really don't.
#29
“Well then I guess I’ll never do / buy / say / ask anything / (normal okay thing that isn’t actually the problem) ever again.”
Weronika Kasperska 4 years ago
It’s such a toddler’s behaviour, but my husband sometimes doing this. Like when he have his night out, suppose to back Early and instead he Come home in the morning. And when I confront with him it’s allways 'FINE! So I will never go anywhere again!'. Like... dude, I don’t care, you can stay home forever, That’s not my point
Louloubelle 4 years ago
I've had to work this one out of my husband over the years. I call it the "throwing the baby out with the bath water" mentality. When I ask him not to do something, like, please don't wash my white stuff with the dark colors. Obviously, he does the laundry. At first he'd say "Well, I'll never wash anything of yours again". I didn't let him out of that one. I told him to stop and listen to what I asked. It's taken 22 years of marriage, and he's now only getting that just because someone has asked you to not, or to do, something, that doesn't mean it's a character assassination. But yes, it's kind of a red flag. It generally means this person is not good an constructive discussions.
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Cynthia Souza 4 years ago
My mother used this one a lot. A manipulative way to deflect any criticism and make herself the victim.
#30
“I’m an empath” makes me want to get in my car and drive ten hours in the opposite direction while shoving wool in my ears.
My last roommate called herself an empath. Turned out to be a 30 year old emotionally abusive a** who let her dog s**t in our apartment. Empath my a**
Lisa Shaw 4 years ago
I do find people use this term too freely, without actually knowing what it means, true empaths are on the rare side, however according to some social media pages they're averaging about 50% of the population. A true empath does not need to tell you, you will notice it in their personality and actions.
Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
Exactly! I know there are true empaths out there but people have used this when it doesn't apply for sure!
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Gabby M 4 years ago
It is honestly exhausting and if you don't know how to stand up for yourself, also means that people take advantage of you.
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Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 4 years ago
I find this strange. I went for a briefing with a therapist at my school to see if I would be able to get help without involving my parents and while explaining all the things going on, she came to the conclusion that I have anxiety and depression -which I already knew- but then also told me that it sounds like some of the things I deal with come from being an empath. I’d never heard this before and ended up researching it to find out what it was. I don’t doubt her and I assume she knows what she’s talking about, being a professional and all but I don’t see why anyone would parade that around as if it’s some sort of accomplishment, especially if it’s not true. It’s not a bad thing to actually be an empath but even if I’m not fully an empath, I do know what it feels like to feel or take on the emotions and energies of other people and a lot of the time, it’s really not fun. It’s tiring. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone being honest. (I hope that all made sense, I’m not good with words)
Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
Im sure there are real Empaths out there but I also knew someone who claimed to be an empath but truly used it as an excuse for bad behavior (when lazy, it was because she was drained from others emotions. When being plain mean & nasty, it was because someone in the area was a bad person and she was accidently channeling that! Once said she cheated on a bf because she could feel that he was a cheater) I am on my toes when I hear someone say "I am an empath" because of it!
Sergio Bicerra Descalzi 4 years ago
Also claiming they feel your pain worst then you and make it all about themselves.
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ctsbathory 4 years ago
There are true Empaths out there. You find them doing community outreach and trying to help others. Not all who claim Empath are or understand what it really is.
DetongLhamo 4 years ago
If you tell someone you are then you’re not. Same goes for “enlightenment”.
#31
“I’m not (blank) but...(insert statement that affirms they are what they’re claiming not to be)
Maripat Webber 4 years ago
“No offense, but . . .” is ALWAYs followed by something that is at the LEAST offensive and usually goes all the way to cruel.
Load More Replies... Connie Martin 4 years ago
Watch for projection, too. They accuse you of being something THEY are.
Karen Lyon 4 years ago
Rule of thumb: any statement with that "but" in the middle means that the part which comes first is irrelevant. The part that comes at the end is really what that person thinks/feels.
#32
Pretty much anytime somebody says something about themself when it's not prompted or necessary.
Like "I'm an honest person", "I'm a hard worker", or "I'd never hit a woman".
Anthony Mann 4 years ago
A lot of the time, they are trying to plant that thought in your head, in case you hear the opposite from someone else. It's a 'preemptive' denial of something they think you will likely hear about.
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
This is bullshit. Just because someone says this doesn't mean they do these things. Sometimes you have to say it, usually because the person you are talking to (wrongly) believes it and treats you differently because of their misconception about you.
Beeps 4 years ago
One of my favourite ones is: “…because I’m such a perfectionist” - especially when you then find loads of errors in their work.
K Killian 4 years ago
Perfectionism isn't really about being perfect. It's about holding yourself to a perfect standard and often, unfortunately, about beating yourself up because you failed to live up to that standard.
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Julie moreau quilliou 4 years ago
Well I am a hard worker and as a woman if I don't state it (rarely) no one else does it for me
K Killian 4 years ago
I get you, Julie. I would imagine that many people who say those kinds of things are often saying them because those kinds of things are rarely said about them (if they're positive) or they're so harshly critical of themselves that they fear that most will immediately assume that they're guilty of all of the negative behaviors that that person is lamenting.
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Jason Basa 4 years ago
the people I have heard say "I'd never hit a woman" are the people who end up hitting women.
SobyKay 4 years ago
This drives me nuts, it comes from ppl who have to make everything a/b themselves. Someone is telling a group of ppl a story a/b their last camping trip? "I love camping! I have a huge BBQ! And a 10-person tent. And a kayak!" Someone is sharing a recipe? "My grammy is the best cook in the world! She's Italian and makes AUTHENTIC Italian dishes!" Only they don't stop talking b/c they have effectively hijiacked the conversation as if no one else had been talking in the first place.
#33
my s/o wont let me do so & so
Daria B 4 years ago
True, but sometimes they just say this to hide their own insecurities. Like a colleague I had, he had to blame the wife when he specified he would prefer a male teacher if he'd try to learn how to play guitar. That's really revealing himself in so many lights, and none of them are positive.
Load More Replies... An Co 4 years ago
I hate to tell you this, but this is a common lie. Nine times out of ten the truth is "I absolutely DETEST the idea of doing what you asked, but I do not want to be rude, so I will blame it on my s/o"
Mike 4 years ago
I think that's part of being in a relationship or having kids. You get to use them as a way out of doing something.
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Kill-Bunny 4 years ago
I say this stupid answer when I'm persistently asked a stupid question that shouldn't have been asked in a first place. Yes Karen, my s/o does not allow me wash my head on Sunday and eat that disgusting cupcake you make every Tuesday.
Stannous Flouride 4 years ago
I think this is used by people who are too cowardly to just say "No."
#34
Asking what music you listen to, then immediately critiquing it, especially when you like main stream stuff. (I guess this applies to stuff other than music but that’s what annoys me the most)
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago (edited)
Don't like what I hate and don't hate what I like. If we were identical in taste, we would still all be listening to Thog beating a rock with a big stick.
Mama Penguin 4 years ago (edited)
My MIL does this, except with movies and TV shows. She and I have opposite tastes in movies, and she sometimes would roll her eyes or have a disgusted look on her face when my hubby and I would describe what we watch.
Don't Look 4 years ago
Growing up, everyone seemed to want to do this.... after I traveled around a lot I sort of realized that the reason anything exists is because people somewhere in the world like it. People can have their own tastes. They don't have to explain them or defend them.
Scott Murrell 4 years ago
Holy s**t, this!!! I met a friend of a friend one time and within a couple minutes asked me what bands I'm into. Told him my favorite band, he critiqued it, then told him a newer band that I had just gotten into, he called me an idiot. I literally just met him. He insults my intelligence because of a band I was currently listening to. Got to know him a little more over the years and concluded he is one of the biggest, loudmouthed, opinionated assholes I have ever met.
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
A friend of mine always replies with " They stopped making good music when Beethoven died."
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
If it's a genre I don't like, I shrug and say "Not my style, but to each their own. More of a (blank) man, myself" and leave it at that.
DetongLhamo 4 years ago
At a hair salon and talking to the staff and a male customer next to me about music, and the latter suddenly becomes really belligerent because he doesn’t like one band I mentioned. One of the stylists actually said “That’s a bit rude” to him and he just got angrier and lectured us about why that particular band were “bad”, as though music is judged objectively.
#35
“That’s just the way God made me,” as an excuse for being a b***h or d**k. Like it’s just their personally and they can’t help it so we should all just accept it.
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago (edited)
My reply - God gave you with free will. You choose to be this way.
Mark Serbian, PK&RG,W 4 years ago
Sure, place the responsibility for you being "unpleasant" on an imaginary friend who lives in the sky...
Don't Look 4 years ago
God didn't make them that way. They noticed they could get away with being that way.
Ninn Kynok 2 4 years ago
Blaiming their toxic personality on a diety! Deflecting, egotistical and not taking responsibility.
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
Or "The reason I'm so hot-tempered is because of my (insert ethnicity) blood." Ummm... no. You're an a-hole because you're an a-hole. Your blood has nothing to do with it. Stop using it as an excuse. And boy do I love confronting people who try to use that around me. :)
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
And here, I thought religion was supposed to be about overcoming our negative traits to become better people, specifically by doing good to others and trying to make the world a better place?
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
Had I allowed it, "God" would have "made" me (via my developmental years) someone who climbs clock towers with several automatic weapons to "cleanse society". Guess that means I'm a hell of a lot stronger than YOU, snowflake. Just accept it.
#36
Anyone who tries to convince you that you can trust them. "Come on man, you can trust me. I'd never do that to you." People who are actually trust worthy don't need to convince anyone of anything and they also know that real trust isn't freely given to people you barely know and are not offended when they are not given it.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Trust, like respect, is earned. It’s not up to you to say you’re trustworthy; it’s up to others to consider you trustworthy based in your past trustworthiness. And you have to keep on proving your trustworthiness too.
Jackie Nettleton 4 years ago
If people use that line on me I never tell them anything/ask them to do more than a very basic thing that doesn’t involve money (even as little as £5) it’s not worth it to me
Charlotte A. 4 years ago
"Never trust someone who tells you to trust them" (one rule I tend to keep in mind)
Chaotic-Pansexual (she/they) 4 years ago
If you tell me “come on, you can trust me”, that automatically makes me not trust you. And if someone doesn’t trust me, that’s fine. I don’t really care and I’m not going to push someone to trust me or do something they aren’t comfortable with. It just doesn’t make sense. Trust is earned and people don’t get that
WilvanderHeijden 4 years ago
You can trust anyone up to one dollar, and not even that if you can't afford to lose that dollar.
Mazer 4 years ago
Actions betray intent you get my treasures when you can prove to me by your actions that you’re worthy. Talk is cheap you can tell me all day long about how great of a person you are but until you actually engage in being a good person…You don’t automatically get the benefit of the doubt
#37
When someone says "they're my karma child" and implies their child makes their life so hard it must be payback for a mistake they made in the past. I usually discover this person has intense mental health or substance use history. It's a s****y way of mentioning their disdain for their kid.
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
..maybe ask what their child could have done wrong to deserve them as their parent. Their proverbial karma isn't a one way street.
Catlady6000 4 years ago
One of my earliest memories, I'm about 3ish, we're in a store and run into someone my Mom knows. They lady says that I look like a sweet little girl. My Mom tells her I'm not that sweet. I learned a lot from my Mom about how not to be a Mom
SobyKay 4 years ago (edited)
Never heard this term before, but Im horrified. Sounds incredibly abusive. First of all, the child didnt ask to be born, that was a decision you made. Second of all, the WHOLE JOB of a parent is to make sure the child is safe and loved. Seeing them as a punishment for something can only lead to disaster.
Martin Forbes 4 years ago
Also, if the child gets to hear this, it can seriously mess with their mind. Who wants to know that their own parent sees them as a result of a mistake they made before their child was born ?
Moneythink 4 years ago
Sounds like a variation of "your kids are your parents' revenge". Might be intended as a joke, but still a Bad Idea.
Kimberly Buchanan 4 years ago
I have never heard that saying. It's not the kids fault. They knew the chance of getting pregnant when you have sex. They need to take the responsibility or give the kid to someone who wants kids, so they can have a better life
MrOwlAteMyMetalWorm. 4 years ago
I dislike the concept of Karma for this very reason.How wishing bad for someone else and revenge a good idea?
#38
"With all due respect."
I know a guy who says this so frequently that when he says it, I brace myself for the s**t to follow.
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
I use that expression relatively often but I use it tell a truth about myself that doesn't put me in great light. For example, I have a website and an actual professional e-mailed me to ask me about some math on my site. My response was that I actually couldn't remember where I got it from and 'If I'm being honest most of us just talk out of our butts and don't have any hard science to back it up.'
Load More Replies... Nevits Yibble 4 years ago
I find it handy to start every sentence with "according to prophecy".
Kim Shannon 4 years ago
My sister in law used to start conversations with, "I don't mean to be rude, BUT..." Which meant watch out, cause here comes the rude
Nat Hedley 4 years ago
Yeah, basically, 'It's not my primary intention to be rude but am well aware I'm about to be rude and really don't give a flying wotsit.'
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TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
"With respect, Mr. President, you are an asshole." -Joschka Fisher, German Green Party, 1984
Eliyahu Rooff 4 years ago
"With all due respect" is generally a preface to a disrespectful statement.
sylvanticx 4 years ago
this is sometimes okay, like if you're in an argument with someone but you still gotta put on a nice face and be polite.
#39
“I know what I’m worth.” Especially in a romantic setting, OLD or first date type stuff. It’s good to have a strong sense of self but I’ve found when this exact phrase is stated/listed something ain’t right.
Stannous Flouride 4 years ago
You're never going to be a billionaire with that attitude. :-)
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Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago
This is actually saying the opposite. It really means "you are not worthy".
L.A. Trefry 4 years ago
"Do you? How interesting, how much is in $US? Where do you get an appraisal?
Alexia 4 years ago
Oh, I once had a date with a guy who told me that he was looking for his wife & soul mate. He listed all the qualities he'd ask from her, and then, to me: "You are physically attractive, what about the other qualities? Do you think you'd live up to my standards?" That was our only date. I accidentally met him a few years after. He was still looking for his future wife. :)))
Franc Esca 4 years ago
It's a take of I know my worth. I think more people should have this self confidence
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
"I know what I'm worth, but since I like you, I'll lower the price." ...that sounded better in my head.
#40
Less a direct statement and more of a behavior, but I find myself becoming less able to hang out with the people I know who seem to have no respect for any type of input I have on a subject, despite me trying to always at least entertain what they're saying for the purpose of the discussion, even if it's absurd. I'll have something to add, and they'll seem to not even hear what I've said, either ignoring it all together or immediately dismissing it as incorrect, sometimes even using the same arguments I just said in explaining why what I just said is nonsense. And on the occasion that I actually decide to go through the effort of defending my stance, they usually end it with some dismissive statement like "well that's your opinion". Yes, that is my opinion, and considering the fact that I have been sitting here listening to and showing respect towards, even if not always supporting, your opinion, I think would justify me in asking for the same basic respect. This turned into a rant, and I'm sorry about that. To put it shortly, I guess I'd say when a person seems to have a lot of difficulty with you disagreeing with them, and never seems to even pretend they are giving your position any real thought beyond "no, you're wrong because..." Then I'd say they aren't your friend, and you should consider no longer trying to be theirs.
Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
It is so frustrating to try to reason with someone who is so one sided. I find some people are just set in their ways and think they are always right. It makes friendship very difficult. I just avoid people who are so negative and like to argue. Being selective about who you interact with can be so helpful!
Vivian Davis 4 years ago
"My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts." I know people like that.
Load More Replies... Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
I will always let a person finish unless they've been monopolizing the conversation and are now on their fourth repeat of what they've already said. If they cut me off when it's my turn then I'll grab the conversation right back with, 'Excuse me. I didn't interrupt you when you were talking and I'd like to finish what I have to say.' If they continue to cut me off then I will tell them if I don't care what I have to say then I'm done with this and I leave.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
Nope, I understand that problem very well. It usually happens when you’re right about something, and can provide the citations to prove it, and the other person either knows your right but is too egotistical to admit it, or they’re too stupid to know they’re wrong and just dig in—-and usually resort to attacking your character instead (there’s a section in this article about this), meaning they attack your intelligence and/or education, to preserve their inflated sense of self-importance. Sometimes you’ll say something apropos and rather pithy, and they’ll totally ignore you, but let one of their asshole buddies plagiarize, and I mean repeat word for word (often without knowing what the words mean), what you just said, and suddenly THEY are a f*****g genius! Yeah, had one misogynistic prof in college and grad school (that’s right, twice) who did this to me on a regular basis, until one of the guys plagiarized my statement. The last day of the last class I’d ever have to take from him was one of the happiest of my entire college experience.
Adventure Cat 4 years ago
My family did this to me all the time while I was growing up. It's infuriating.
Eglė Bukauskaitė 3 years ago
As someone who quite frequently rants out before thinking and/or re reading - You have wrote exactly same sentence in 3 paragraphs!
Karen Lyon 4 years ago
I work with someone like that. Not just in a debate-type discussion, in any conversation that she starts. She often pretends anyone who chimes in never spoke, or talks over them. She's not a horrible person, just on the self-absorbed side. I also know that her life growing up was less than ideal, and I think she's making up for feeling like she wasn't really given enough respect and attention. It's wearing, though, and it keeps me from really truly trusting her.
DetongLhamo 4 years ago
I don’t know about this one: there are some “opinions” that are just so terrible- rude, crude, racist, aggressive, misogynistic etc- that no one needs or wants to hear that shite.
Robert Robi Z 4 years ago
Being right in something doesn't automatically mean that everybody else is wrong.
#41
Recently had someone tell me "I hate being accused of lying." I'm sure we can all guess what he keeps getting caught doing...
Helen Haley 4 years ago
I get so nervous when being questioned about anything I look like I'm lying even if I'm telling the truth. Been that way forever.
Dorothy Parker 4 years ago
People with ADHD are frequently thought to be dishonest when they are not. They may look shifty because they're taking in information all the time. They may have hard time defending themselves because of that.
Waterbaby 4 years ago
I get this a lot. I have ADHD and bipolar. I can't look people in the eyes and always look like I'm looking shifty. Doesn't help that my step mum used to always call me a liar when I was a child so now I get overly frustrated when someone calls me a liar. Which makes things look even worse. It's a royal pain in the backside
Load More Replies... Grady'sRaider 4 years ago
I look younger than I am. In my 20s I got a lot of 'Oh yeah. Really?' even though I had the credentials and experience. Glad that's overwith.
#42
"I'm always open to debate." I find most people that say that are open to lecture you, and closed to debate.
Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
I love that....Open to lecture you, and closed to debate! Perfectly put!
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago
" I will pretend to listen to you so you have to listen to me'.
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
Anytime anyone says, "Yada, yada, yada.... PERIOD." and that's the first thing said on the topic, It means they're too emotionally-stunted to handle any kind of challenge to their world-view. It's the equivalent of them sticking their fingers in their ears, "Na na na na I can't hear you!"
Unnamed Hooman 4 years ago
Wait but I like debating- I only classify it as debating instead of lecturing, because if it is going to involve something personal, I agree on their opinion
#43
When I started my new job the bubbliest girl who was loved by most of the staff and was also a HR manager would act like this when me and her were totally alone.
She would whisper ever so softly (to herself but to me) "you get no thanks around here, no one cares. You just wait and watch the knives stabbing when you least expect it". This is something she did on my first DAY!! I said to her everyone seems lovely and accepting and she said "well wait until you get to know them".
This was a HR MANAGER!!
Edit I've just realised this isn't very subtle
Also Edit! Seems like alot of people see this girls actions as good. I don't, this was my first day and I really believe if people start talking about others they're setting the tone for YOU to perceive the person they are gossiping about, it made me nervous, your first day is bad enough. I was there for 7 months and not one person showed any signs of being a backstabber. Not one! Nothing even remotely shady.
Kim Shannon 4 years ago
True. But as a HR manager, she needs to keep that confidential. She's spreading negativity. Some of the worst treatment I ever got on the job was from HR. As in, oh your boss sexually harassed you to the point you were afraid to be alone with him? Pshh! Why don't you just get over it? P S No, my boss was not Harvey Weinstein
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Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
The red flag for me was when you said “bubbliest girl who was loved by most of the staff”. 1) Watch out for that bubbly person. They’re only going to burst your bubble. 2) Watch out for the person who is pointed out to you as the most loved, or most reliable, or most trustworthy, or most knowledgeable, or the whole place would fall apart if they weren’t here—-especially if it’s the boss saying it. That person is only loved, reliable, trustworthy, knowledgeable, and capable of keeping the place running if you’re in a position to help them advance at work. If you’re not, watch out. That facade fades fast and you get to see the real person underneath. Only they’ve so carefully built their undeserved sterling reputation with management that no one but another lower lever employee (the ones who are also not a part of “most of the staff”) will believe you.
Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
Even if she observed people acting poorly she only needed to warn you if it happened to you or she thought there was a reason for HR to speak up. Otherwise I agree with the author, I would have been suspicious of the HR manager and not the staff if this happened the first day!
snipergun 4 years ago (edited)
This depends on mentality. In my country of origin this is very common and now I find it very unprofessional behavior. That she feels everyone is stabbing her - I believe that but it's not personal most likely, it's employee position to hr manager, simple as that. Same as IT job feels like everyone tries to sabotage your work. But I doubt on personal level people are so mean and your position in relation to theirs is not same. Hr manager shouldn't talk like that to anyone except other hr manager.
Ekaterina Sidiakova 4 years ago
I had a boss who said things like that all the time to me about my teammates. Took me a long time to realise that he was a screwed up person and build all his relationships on making others believe he's the only one who cares for them. It's alienating a person from everyone else as they constantly will be suspicious of others especially coming from the person they think they should trust.
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
Anytime I'm at a new job and someone starts telling me which "sides" to be on and who to like and who not to like I try to find the most polite way of telling them I'll decide for myself who I like or don't like, thank you and I already don't like you. I keep that last part to myself though.
#44
Try to say, "It could have been worse" (Or something to that affect) everytime they make a mistake. "Yeah, it could have been worse, but you still wrecked my car Rachel"
Leodavinci 4 years ago
Many of these "red flags" are beginning to sound more like personally specific issues.
Queen Metapha 4 years ago
"What Is Something Subtle People Say That Is A Red Flag TO YOU" is the name of this thread, so....that's exactly what to share here.
Load More Replies... Erin E 4 years ago
Had a friend who would do this constantly. “We prepared the windows for the storm” “Well just be glad you live where you can be informed to prepare for a storm” — “My dog is out of food and I forgot to go to the store” “Well it could be worse some people don’t even have access to a store” I mean, those exact words.
Axolotl King 4 years ago
I do this but to myself, I don't say it to other people. Like when I'm practicing volleyball, "Well I didn't serve over the net but at least I hit it, it could have been worse"
Kim Shannon 4 years ago
Or a grown A#$ adult saying, "I didn't do it on purpose." Own up to your actions!
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
Yep. People who always justify anything they do wrong because they can list off something a lot worse and that somehow is supposed to make what they're doing ok.
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
"Yeah, it could have been worse... I could have lost BOTH of my arms!"
Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
I am obnoxiously optimistic and positive but I agree, I have learned that sometimes friends/family just need to hear "yeah, that sucks" instead of a positive spin every time!
#45
"Can't you just do it?" instead of wanting to learn something.
Viviane 4 years ago
For me, it depends on context. If a colleague has a tight deadline and I can do something much faster than they can, I'll definitely help. I might even insist on it! If it's someone who never wants to learn, I'd find that annoying. If I can teach them, I'll try to do so. If they totally refuse, it depends on whether it's someone at work or a.. ahem... "friend".
Chucky Cheezburger 4 years ago
Yep...I can do it...for $XXXX. Too much...guess it isnt very important then...have fun.
Bettie-Jean Neal 4 years ago
This usually happens at work and I respond with. "Let me teach you how, I may not always be here." Works every time.
Grady'sRaider 4 years ago
I usually got this from people who didn't understand the scope of what they were asking. My best was a potential client who thought I could write $30,000 of custom software for their RV business for $200, "Oh no. Can't you just put a CD in our computer?"
#46
Starting an argument for no reason and then not having the capacity to resolve it.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago
Arguing for the sake of arguing. What a f*****g waste of a potentially good time.
Helen Haley 4 years ago
Conflict resolution is a learned skill. They just didn't learn it growing up. They either know that and struggle with it, or don't know it is a learned skill.
Grady'sRaider 4 years ago
Or they do to be the devil's advocate, for fun, or make fun of you. Net sum still zero.
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#47
Referring to women as "females".
Nikki Sevven 4 years ago
Usually, "males" and "females" are terms reserved for plants and animals, not human beings. For example, "The males of the Northern cardinal species are bright red," but, "Those men in the bar were rude to the bartender."
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Anthony Mann 4 years ago
As a former member of the Military - we were taught to use 'Males' and 'Females' during on-duty conversation. Helps keep us from getting into 'trouble' by using slang, etc, or offending anyone. (just join the Army, and refer to a group of FEMALE Officers as "Girls" in front of them, if you want to see fireworks)
Nadine Debard 4 years ago
Yes, grown women are not girls. I'm pissed off when people (any age or gender) call me a girl.
Load More Replies... Rai Grant 4 years ago
Me too. What I do not like is being called a girl. I've not been a girl for nigh on 40 years!
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Tina Hugh 4 years ago
Not to imply everyone who calls women 'females' are incels. Especially anybody who's been in the military. I do it too, but I try not to because incels have made it one of their things.
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TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
I do this, but usually when I get tired of repeatedly saying "women" and not wanting to say "girls." Same goes for "males" instead of "men." Just depends on how it rolls in the sentence, you know?
#48
Never asking a question. My husband realized his father never does this and now I can’t stop listening for this.
Dodo 4 years ago
I don't really ask questions, because I'm socially awkward and don't know what's considered acceptable/unacceptable to ask
Helen Haley 4 years ago
Wow, i'm super awkward and blurt out whatever weird question is rolling through my head most of the time.
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What's In Your Head? 4 years ago
Ha, this is something I've been realising lately... That I should probably ask questions in return when someone's trying to hold a conversation with me. I suddenly realised it may actually seem like I'm a self-absorbed ass, so I try to keep that in mind lately and ask a question here and there. The truth is that most of the time I really want the conversation to be over, and I do not wish to be intrusive and pushy. I really HATE being asked what I did last weekend, what music I'm listening to or what my hobbies are. It always leaves me feeling lousy because I never have any satisfying answers. XD
Dodo 4 years ago
Oh yeah, that's another reason I don't ask them XD Most of the time I have to answer vaguely and I hate being put on the spot. Why would I wanna make others feel like that? On the other hand, the majority of people apparently like talking about themselves
Load More Replies... TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
You can thank the schools for this one. How many of us were ridiculed for "asking a stupid question"? It's not a stupid question if you don't know the answer.
Stephanie IV 4 years ago
Nosiness is ok. As long as you accept a stern rebuff every now and then.
Load More Replies... Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
One of my top indicators when training someone new is if they ask questions or not. If they don't then it tells me they're not understanding the job because it's filled with tiny details that have to be right and nobody is going to understand right away. I do attempt to factor in their level of shyness, timidity, etc. but I've found even shy people trying to actually learn the job ask pretty good questions.
Kathryn Baylis 4 years ago (edited)
Or the person who gets pissy if you ask them questions, either as mere conversation, to be sure they understand you, or just to clarify that they heard you correctly. Do you want conversation, or is this a lecture or soliloquy? Because I’m up for the first, but unless I paid tuition to a school you teach at, or bought tickets to see you perform, I’m not sticking around silently while you revel in the sound of your own voice.
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago (edited)
Depends on context for me. I have shy friends who are truly terrified of asking a question and being thought stupid. I encourage them in private that they can be open but I don't expect it of them. I also have former friends who wanted everyone to ask follow up questions but never asked one of their own. This is a sign you are an ego tool, not a friend. If I know the name of every dog you ever owned and you don't know the city I live in, we need to find other people.
#49
You'll know I like you when I make fun of every single thing you do maliciously.
Like wth
denzoren 4 years ago
I think people use this in the whole "best friends who insult each other" way to make it seem okay but it's a completely different thing to do it maliciously.
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
Had a dude at work who came in every day and thought it was humorous to be an ass to everyone "in a joking fashion". He was actually a pretty nice guy but that shtick got old with me fast so after a while I would start confronting him on it and make him feel like an ass. He stopped doing it not long after that and we still golfed every week until he moved many states away (He was older and needed to move in with family to take care of him).
Load More Replies... #50
Someone who frequently, in response to you telling them about a bad or inconvenient thing that happened to you, start with "Well what you SHOULD have done..." or "What I would have done..." and then argue with your reasonings for not finding their solution helpful. These people tend to be very opinionated and stubborn, even in situations they don't really know anything about. This is especially true if paired with a tendency to always win/have bad losing habits, are generally immature, or have a history of just not knowing what they're talking about but just want to assert themselves in the conversation anyways Edit: To those who do this to a fault, it's a completely normal behavior! Sometimes it's hard to not begin searching for solutions to a loved one's problem. However it's different when you do it excessively, or to the point of making the other person feel stressed or incompetent. I'm mostly talking about this when it's accompanied by other red flags but can be a standalone depending on frequency/social context
Dodo 4 years ago
I understand this one. If I try something and it goes wrong, my mother is always there to tell me what I *should* have done instead. Even though my way was valid, she automatically assumes her way is better.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
People are allowed to try things (within safety limits) and correct any problems that come up. I don't know how I would handle a know-it-all parent or other close person. For someone I don't see often, I've learned that saying, "Thanks, I'll try that" and ignoring useless advice is simpler than an argument.
Load More Replies... Jennifer Gould 4 years ago
I like your edit! Usually it bothers me when people think they need to defend their opinion but in this case I think your Edit really hits home for anyone that may have misunderstood.
Robin DJW 4 years ago
My ex could never understand that I did not want him to try to solve my workplace problems (and he knew very little about realities in my workplace). What I wanted was for him to listen to me and be quietly supportive, as in: "Golly, that must have been very nerve-wracking," or "I'm so sorry that you had such a rough time today."
April Caron 4 years ago
This kind of behavior makes you feel unheard and invalidated. Still… I try to asume positive intent. So, when people start telling me what I should have done/said/thought/etc… I stop them and say, “Hold onto that thought. Right now I’m sharing/venting and what I want is for you to listen and empathize. Don’t focus on my actions. Focus on my feelings.” Then continue by asking, “How would you have felt in my situation?” Recognize what you need… and ASK FOR IT.
Paul K. Johnson 4 years ago
The thing about giving advice is that if it's bad advice and you took it then you (and possibly others) suffer the consequences and the person who gave it walks away scot-free saying, "Well, you shouldn't have listened to me." I particularly love it when people tell you what a bad ass they would have been in any given situation but when you see them in a similar situation they're docile as lambs.
#51
‘My OCD...’ ‘She’s so bipolar!’ ‘MY ANXIETY!!!!’ Etc etc etc. Shut up forever.
Sarah 4 years ago
I never really thought about this much in the past and have to say I used to be guilty of it. Then I read a very well thought out article about the casual way we talk joke about these things. People who suffer from these types of mental health issues don't consider them a joke or funny, and for other people to treat it that way just trivializes a serious issue. It's almost like you are saying "ha ha! your serious health issue is a punchline and isn't that big a deal!". I totally get it now and am trying to break the habit as best I can.
TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
There's a fine line between mental disorders causing trouble, and people without them using them as a descriptor.
Suzy the observer 4 years ago
Mental health is a serious issue and consideration is due to sufferers as much as any other illness. However, not one illness gives you the right to make other people miserable.
#52
"I'm not gay but this feels good"
Two_rolling_black_eyes 4 years ago
What does that have to do with buying turnips? This quote out of context is confusing.
#53
“Does this smell like chloroform to you?”
Kumar Shantanu Khare 4 years ago
Chloroform takes at least 10 minutes to cause any drowsiness and it's been banned anyways due to possible liver problems
brukernavn340 4 years ago
I don't get why people down vote factual information like that.
Load More Replies... #54
“I haven’t cried since I was a kid”
Kat Zwingle 4 years ago
It probably means they are very wounded, very repressed. They are probably afraid of "negative" emotions. I don't think it's a "red flag" but it's an indicator that they need to be treated carefully.
Natalia A 4 years ago
People who aren't able to cry, were probably condemned as a child for expressing their emotions. This can result from various parental behaviours, such as telling a child that 'boys don't cry', or more severe abuse, neglect etc.
Catlady6000 4 years ago
with me, it was my Mom crying just for sympathy. If it was a real cry (maybe twice? my whole life) she would be quiet and go somewhere private. If it was an attention cry (often), loud and where everyone would here/see. I got to where I absolutely hated it, and then hated when I cried
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TimesNewLogan 4 years ago
I legitimately struggle to cry. There are times where I desperately need to, but just can't.
Suzy the observer 4 years ago
Being out of touch with one's emotions is a serious mental health red flag.
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similarly 4 years ago
For me, it's not lack of emotion. I feel sad. I've suffered crippling depression for decades! I simply do not cry except on exceptionally rare occasions. I didn't cry when my mother died (though I've never stopped missing her), but I did cry months later when my grandmother died. I cried when my father in law died. I cried once over a movie! It doesn't even have to be a big thing. But there are times I feel a NEED to cry and just can't. It's actually quite frustrating. You can't imagine what a RELIEF tears can be.
#55
I don’t have an addictive personality
What do you think ?
Agnes Jekyll 4 years ago
Someone once told me, "people tell you who they are, it's your responsibility to listen." I have not listened, many times, to my own detriment.
Tami 4 years ago
Or I listen and then make excuses for them to avoid having to admit they did something sh*tty.
Load More Replies... Llama_flower93 4 years ago
A lot of these are bad only because of how they are popularly used by certain people. It's interesting to me that language is like that. That a term that should mean well is turned sour by awful people.
Troux 4 years ago
In my experience, "I'm a good person" has only been uttered by the worst people I've known, when they were caught at their worst. Put it right up there with "I'm a nice guy."
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
Sometimes people do need to be reminded that you are, in fact, a decent, nice person. I've been treated like dirt by a lot of people that thought I was an asshole, just due to rumors they heard, and never even bothered to get to know me. So yeah, sometimes you do need to tell people who you are, because many times they won't give you the chance to show them who you are.
Load More Replies... Nubmaeme 4 years ago
When I was still working, I used to really confound people when I would admit that I had done something or that I was responsible for whatever had happened. They were not used to people owning up to their mistakes or taking responsibility for their actions. Seeing their reactions to the admissions was more fun than trying to cover up the action.
Kevin Hickey 4 years ago
"He's a nice guy once you get to know him." Translation: he's an azzhole, but you'll get used to it.
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
Or, he/she's shy and guarded around people due to being s**t on by them for years, so it can take a while for him/her to let you in.
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Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 4 years ago
I hate when people use "I'm a feminist" to justify just awful behavior towards not just men, but also women, and LGBTQ+. TERFs like JK Rowling, comedians like Aisling Bea, influencers like Lacey Green, etc. We need feminism to be angry and aggressive because it's the only way people listen, but that doesn't excuse outright dickery.
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
Modern feminism isn't feminism, it's just Misandry in disguise.
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Allen Lane Cook 4 years ago
When a new supervisor says I'm not a micromanager and I'm not into drama, it's guaranteed that they are actually both.
Agnes Jekyll 4 years ago
Someone once told me, "people tell you who they are, it's your responsibility to listen." I have not listened, many times, to my own detriment.
Tami 4 years ago
Or I listen and then make excuses for them to avoid having to admit they did something sh*tty.
Load More Replies... Llama_flower93 4 years ago
A lot of these are bad only because of how they are popularly used by certain people. It's interesting to me that language is like that. That a term that should mean well is turned sour by awful people.
Troux 4 years ago
In my experience, "I'm a good person" has only been uttered by the worst people I've known, when they were caught at their worst. Put it right up there with "I'm a nice guy."
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
Sometimes people do need to be reminded that you are, in fact, a decent, nice person. I've been treated like dirt by a lot of people that thought I was an asshole, just due to rumors they heard, and never even bothered to get to know me. So yeah, sometimes you do need to tell people who you are, because many times they won't give you the chance to show them who you are.
Load More Replies... Nubmaeme 4 years ago
When I was still working, I used to really confound people when I would admit that I had done something or that I was responsible for whatever had happened. They were not used to people owning up to their mistakes or taking responsibility for their actions. Seeing their reactions to the admissions was more fun than trying to cover up the action.
Kevin Hickey 4 years ago
"He's a nice guy once you get to know him." Translation: he's an azzhole, but you'll get used to it.
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
Or, he/she's shy and guarded around people due to being s**t on by them for years, so it can take a while for him/her to let you in.
Load More Replies... Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 4 years ago
I hate when people use "I'm a feminist" to justify just awful behavior towards not just men, but also women, and LGBTQ+. TERFs like JK Rowling, comedians like Aisling Bea, influencers like Lacey Green, etc. We need feminism to be angry and aggressive because it's the only way people listen, but that doesn't excuse outright dickery.
Sean Harrison 4 years ago
Modern feminism isn't feminism, it's just Misandry in disguise.
Load More Replies... Allen Lane Cook 4 years ago
When a new supervisor says I'm not a micromanager and I'm not into drama, it's guaranteed that they are actually both.
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