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“He Said He Regretted It”: 49 People Who Gave Cheaters A Second Chance Shared What Happened
Most people believe that cheating is a deal-breaker in a romantic relationship. In fact, one U.K. survey found that 80% of respondents claimed that their relationship would be over if they found out that their partner had cheated. But life isn’t black and white. And in reality, nearly 50% of marriages that have faced infidelity are still standing, at least in the short-term.
Redditors have recently been discussing the reasons why people choose to give their cheating spouses second chances, so we’ve gathered a list of their brutally honest replies below. Apparently, it’s not always as simple as forgiveness. Sometimes, people convince themselves that staying together makes the most sense logistically. Keep reading to gain some insight into these marriages.
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#1
Because we had a 4 month old baby and the thought of sharing custody made me sick. I couldn’t stand the thought of ever having to be away from my baby, especially for a reason that was no fault of my own. It took a long time for the resentment to fade, but we were able to overcome it, and it never happened again (it’s been almost 14 years).
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#2
1) Kids - We had a young family. I was terrified if we split she’d move them back to her home town which was across the country. Without kids, she would have been kicked to the curb.
2) Her Effort - I loved her and she seemed shattered and very remorseful. I was distancing myself but she was the one who was begging me. She walked into her affair partner’s house and told his wife face to face. She went to therapy. If I had to even think of convincing her to stay with me it would have been over.
3) Her Commitment - She signed a post-nup and showed me she wanted to stay for me and not my finances. She could have walked out the door with half of everything, but instead signed away the house and every penny I had or would donate to her savings.
It’s been 23 years together and 17 years since the affair. It wasn’t easy, and it raises it head at times but staying was the right decision for me.
Norfolk and good 1 hour ago (edited)
He wanted her to prove she wasn't with him for his finances, but getting her to sign over all the assets to him means she has to stay with him for his finances? 🤔
#3
I took my husband back because we had a one year old and after being separated for 6 months - he said he regretted it and wanted us to try again. So I gave him a try. It all seemed fine - we even had a second child but he cheated again with the same woman and that was final straw.
#4
The first time? I justified it. I didn’t find proof of a physical affair, only sexting. We had a 13 month old baby and I was a stay at home mom. I had no self esteem, I felt isolated from everyone but him, and the good parts of the relationship were really good. He took care of me.
Subsequent times? I never fully forgave him. It festered. I never trusted him again and he proved me right at every turn. I was scared to leave. I had two babies, I was a stay at home mom, no one around me knew how bad the infidelity was- everyone always sang his praises how good he was to me/what a good dad he was. I felt like no one else would ever want me, I was gross and used and ugly. I channeled a lot of my energy into my kids. It hurt less because my identity was less “wife” and more “mom”. And the good times were so good. He took me to NYC to eat at Le Bernardin and to to see Chicago on broadway. We went to Jamaica for my 30th birthday. He took me on a cruise, bought me a minivan, told me he loved me, became my whole social and emotional anchor, it was amazing when it was good.
I convinced myself the good outweighed the bad. Then when it didn’t, I convinced myself that at least I was comfortable and he was providing for the family, then when that stopped working, I finally gave up. It took me 10 years to give up.
Divorce is finalized in April and I move out then into my own house. I can’t wait. I’ll never forgive cheating again, and honestly, I can’t see myself bothering to get married ever again.
#5
Never been cheated on (that I know of anyway), but my best friend told me, "it's cheaper than a divorce and fighting for my kids. If I'm still mad about it when the kids are 18, I'll leave."
Sad, really.
#6
We just talked it out. We had a long relationship already. He was sorry. We did therapy for a few years and made it through. We celebrated 44 years the other day.
#7
I thought I loved him too much to break up with him. Turns out I was just afraid of change. Broke up a few months later. Best thing I ever did. Met my now husband shortly after and we have a toddler and another baby on the way.
#8
My father in law cheated on my mother in law for my wife’s entire childhood. Not sure why, but she never divorced him. Eventually, he got his life together and they got back together for a good 13 years. Then he did it again and abandoned all of us for his mistress’s family. Sometimes narcissists never change.
#9
She explained she was just really stressed and needed to feel special she had never done it before and just wanted to know how it would feel. I didnt want to speak to her ever again tbh but then I remember all the goods times we've had together and I knew as long as I took control she wouldn't do it again. Monopoly is still a touchy subject in our house.
#10
Ive been cheated on in most of my relationships. Almost always gave a second chance but the older I got the more I realized the “mistake” excuse doesn’t work. It isn’t a mistake or an accident. You quite literally have to go out of your way to cheat. There are a lot of decisions being made to get to that point. Plus, even if you forgive, it is always in the back of your head for the rest of the relationship and I never want that lingering over me again.
#11
Probably gonna get attacked for being brave here but I was the cheater.
It was stupid, I regretted it immediately. Came home crying and told her immediately. She was afraid of change I think but whatever the reason she chose to forgive me and said as long as I always tell her, it's our battle to fight.
She didn't trust me at first but I deleted a lot of apps on my phone, got a full STD screening, installed a screen monitoring app for her, and signed up for a church group. It took a while for her to trust me again. But it never happened again and I'm proud of that.
We didn't escape unscathed. But we are healing. Why did she forgive me? I'll honestly never know, but she says it's because she saw who I wanted to be, and that it didn't match what happened, and largely because I told her immediately and she didn't have to find out later.
For any men who struggle with even the idea of infidelity. Get help. Willpower doesn't work. For any dishonest men trying to hide. Either clean yourself up or just leave. She doesn't deserve this. No one does.
#12
2 years in she had an affair. On the first court date we talked outside and accepted trying to work through it. I landed up forgiving her 7-8 years later. We celebrated our 25th last year and have a great life with amazing kids now.
#13
We haven’t had to face it in our own marriage but I’m an oldster and have seen enough of life to believe there are a lot of factors outside of the act of sleeping with someone else that impacts if the other partner can forgive. Because there is a world of difference between ‘I slept with someone I met at the hotel on my work trip’ and ‘I’ve spent years building layers of deception to carry on an affair with one of your good friends. Oh and the whole community knows about it except you’ both are cheating but I’ve watched couples navigate both and it’s often not the act of cheating that’s difficult to forgive but the consistent decisions to lie and knowingly set your spouse up to be humiliated.
#14
I asked my mom if staying with a cheating man was a Latino thing… (I was young, it’s what I saw around me and yes that’s exactly how I phrased it). She said “It is not about the man, the man is not the prize… but the other woman can not be allowed to win”.
My mom is a very complicated, very wise, and very much a product of doing what you gotta do to survive a civil war. I am 100 years PAST ever attempting to unravel the logic behind her thinking. She did not grow up in the world that made sense. She grew up in a world with enemy lines. And love is war!!
#15
I did once, because she said it was a mistake and she was *really sorry*.
Then she did it again and that was that.
#17
I did because my brain wouldn’t accept that I should not love this person. Eventually, whatever chemicals in there wore off and I left him. I found out, I could never trust someone I knew was capable of lying to my face .
#18
I was a dumb kid and she was my first proper girlfriend. Would you know she did it a second time? I didn't forgive at that time.
#19
I was young, naive and thought it was a one-off before we were married. Plus I thought we could address it in therapy (which we "did," also before we were married). Decades later, well...
#20
I should’ve known he wasn’t the most faithful man when I met him, but young, naive and pretty dumb. We broke up twice, got back together, I forgave him. I can see the change in him, it wasn’t the easiest to get over, however, I stayed because I loved him (I know I know) and I can truly say I’m glad I did. We’re married, have one daughter, moved to a nice country home, and everything he was it’s the total opposite nowadays. 17 years together and he still cooks, cleans, the handyman around the house, and does all the yard work. Now he even gives advice to his friends and younger guys he knows about it, life can truly change when you’re not being deceitful to your family, the people who are there every day and love you the most.
#21
I felt like I had no other option. It was a toxic relationship and we had a kid together. She was very neglectful with our son (not feeding him enough, locking him in his room if he was crying, barely engaging with him at all). I was afraid that she'd get custody of him if we broke up, so I had no choice but to stay in that relationship. I "forgave" her basically for my own peace of mind. Of course, once she figured out that she could cheat on me without consequences, she did it again... And again... And again.
The other side of that situation is that she was actually going through some deep mental health struggles. She refused treatment and "self-medicated" with alcohol. So, obviously, she got worse and worse. Eventually she realized that she wasn't able to take care of our son and she told me that, if we ever broke up, I should get custody. I broke up with her the next day.
#22
We were having serious issues. I was in no way perfect in the relationship. I ignored the issues she was bringing up because they were not issues to me. She cheated and left. I realized what I lost after she was gone. Years later she reached out, I was still single (I love fully and completely, and wasn't over her even years later, so didn't want to be involved with anyone else in that state)
We talked for a long long time over text, where we worked a lot of things out. I was not kind. She was humble and accepted responsibility. I didn't intend on getting back together with her. We slowly started seeing each other in person again, Platonicly, but there was an obvious tension.
After a long talk with my oldest and most trusted friend who knew the entire story and history, he put it to me bluntly.
"You still love her, you have never moved on. If you don't give it another try I think you will have regret for the rest of your life"
I made a few rules and demands that in hindsight was petty and unnecessary, but she agreed and followed through. One demand was that she admitted to our mutual friends and family members what actually happened to end our relationship. I regret putting her through that, having to shame herself to our friends and family but at the time it seemed so important to me.
We have a 12 year old together now, and I'm step dad to a 17 year old the child she had with the guy she cheated on me with. I'm more of a dad and role model to my step child than their biological dad has ever been. He is in their life, but just barely.
Occasionally I have trust issues, but they are my issues to deal with. If I ever request I can view her phone, computer and anything else, but I have never felt the need to.
I guess that's a long way to say I realized I wasn't meeting her needs, and didn't realize how important those needs were to her. She found someone who told her they would meet all of the needs I wasn't and she decided she needed to explore that. I wasn't a good and fair partner, I didn't cause her to cheat but I didn't actively try and meet her needs that she was expressing to me constantly. To be fair to myself, she was also not meeting the needs I had.
We were with the right person but at the wrong time. We learned independently what we needed and could offer and somehow found our way back together when we were in a place to provide that for each other.
#23
Because at the time I was in no position to leave. I had a small child. Lived on the opposite side of the country from my family. Ended up with some health problems that I'm glad I was still under his health insurance for.
But, when he cheated again a few years later, I was better able to say I was done. Although, because I wouldn't forgive him again, he ended everything before I could. I'm better off without him.
#24
I stayed because I've been the cheater and had wished I had gotten a second chance. It never turned out great for me, because it wasn't a mistake in decisions, it was a problem with character.
The problem with cheating is that it isn't a single act. Its a series of small actions that eventually lead the the physical cheating or even emotional. I've stayed with partners who have done that and then I have been the one who did it. The hardest part is getting past the fact that the person committing the infidelity could have said no at any of the small decisions and didn"t. In the end you just weren't important enough. Now there is true remorse, but most times people are just sorry that they got caught.
#25
Multiple reasons. 1) He did everything ‘right’ ie changed jobs, went to rehab, went to therapy, got on medication. 2) if we got divorced I wouldn’t be able to afford our pets and have to get rid of them and I just can’t do that. 3) my income alone wouldn’t have been enough to support me and my daughter. 4) he works everyday to show me that he can be trusted.
#26
I was insecure and lonely, he was my best friend and I found every way to blame myself for what happened. I have always had a terrible mindset that I can get what I want if I work hard enough, including relationships. I still wanted him, so I begged him for about a month (I know I know) and eventually convinced him to stay with me. He was on some bad medication at the time as well as drinking heavily and when he finally came out of it he realized what a jerk he was. He's spent the last 7 years making up for it. I dont regret staying but I do regret being the one to beg for us to make it work.
#27
I’ve never forgiven however financial obligations is why I don’t leave, house/cars in both names.
#29
I was pregnant and in college (I was 25 so it wasn't a teenage pregnancy or anything) so he was supporting us.
He made the effort to change and has been extremely open about everything. Thats the biggest thing with adultery. The person who cheated needs to be willing to change and put in the work. It was very VERY hard.
Its been 9 years and im glad I did it but even he says that if someone else was in our shoes, to not forgive them and just leave because he saw how much it destroyed me. Hes a completely different person than he is now.
#30
I didn't had this issue in my marriage, but my mother forgave my father. They were married for 3-4 years when dad had an affair that even resulted in a child. They already had my brother, but at the time their marriage was on the rocks they were thinking about breaking up. So my dad met let's say celia (not her real name) and had an affair. Weird as it is, this actually got my parents closer because, according to dad, he realized that the only woman he wanted to be with and have kids with was my mom. His mistress tried to get him to leave mom and be with her and their kid, but ultimately mom forgave dad. When i asked her why, she said that if she were to divorce him, then my brother would have to live in 2 separate homes, he would have to spend holidays with only one of them. And main thing, she said that she still loved him very much and that she also made mistakes in their relationship. This was all 32 years ago, and they have been every happy since.
I guess it depends a lot on the relationship and how much the cheater is willing to actually fight for the marriage. If there are kids involved there are other dynamics, you have to consider how they would get affected by you leaving or you staying. There is no right answer because not all cases are the same.
My mother's situation isn't the same for everyone else. Ultimately one has to do what makes them happy.
#31
I was pregnant when I found out, not when it happened. I felt like I needed to just move on with our lives and hope for the best. We’ve been together for 4 years now and we’re both very happy.
For context it was a drunk kiss, so I’m able to look past it. I was mad but not raging.
#32
I tried and couldn’t.
It was a long-term girlfriend not a spouse but she felt so guilty that she paid for everything for like a year. She made twice what I did and I saved nearly my entire salary and when I could afford a down payment on a house, I bought one and moved out.
This was 20 years ago I’m not super proud of it but it happened.
#33
It was a hard choice between which decision makes me less unhappy being on my own or being with her knowing what happened. We are in our mid 50’s, a lot to give up financially and possessions. It was a drunken mistake although she stayed in touch with him for a few months after it happened they never met up again. The incident happened on holiday there are many factors I won’t go into here.
We both found being apart we couldn’t manage without each other was almost pining for her, so we have got back together been fine so far although just coming up to the first anniversary of the incident so my anxiety is raised.
#34
I'mma be honest; I was a traumatized mess who'd have bought any lie I was told at the time
Lucky I didn't join a cult.
#35
He was deep in alcoholism, depression, and working an isolating job. He got black out while alone and was taken advantage of in a way that he takes accountability for.
I stayed because he got sober, 3 years now, went to therapy to work though the issues he was having, and changed jobs. He put in the work to get better for himself, not just me. The trust will never be the same, but we learned and grew together. I would not stay if it happened again, and he is fully aware of that.
#36
I believed her that it wasn’t really her fault, it was because of her bipolar disorder. But she kept doing it long after her bipolar disorder was treated so it turned out she was just a bad person.
#37
I liked her as a person and didn’t want to lose her despite the fact. Problem was even though i stayed i wasn’t going to let that slide and ended up cheating back. 😭.
#38
Cause my wedding which I had already paid for was like 2 weeks away and I was too gutted to call it off. The literal definition of sunk cost fallacy ahaha.
Thought we worked through it. Bought a house, had a kid. It wasn’t the first or the last time they cheated on me in our relationship though (found out the hard way). Got a cool kiddo out of it though. Living my best life now :)
TDLR ; don’t.
#39
I did because I had no place to go. We owned a home together with a lot of animals. I saw an attorney and had everything ready to go when he did it again. Of course he did, and I left with a suitcase and no place to go, but everything worked out for the best for me. I feel sorry for anyone who goes through this. It's a truly heartbreaking betrayal.
#40
We had just moved to a new city and bought a house, divorce wasn't fiscally an option, and people make mistakes. My issue was it was a year long affair and they caught herpes. Feels bad man.
#41
I divorced her because she was a lying, cheating, self centered narcissist. I forgave her because I needed peace.
#43
It was before marrying her. It was during her being away studying abroad. She came clean, looked remorseful, we dated for several more years, then got married. Never had an issue of that nature ever since.
#44
Honestly? Because I didn't love myself enough to acknowledge that I deserved better. And because I didn't think I was lovable to anyone else. We had been together since I was 21 and I didn't know what life would look like without him, and that scared me. Here we are in our 40's and I still sometimes get worried when things are rough that he'll do it again. I still sometimes think about it while we are being intimate. It's obviously not ideal, but I'm working through all of it with my therapist.
#45
Because I was an alcoholic and I wasn't showing any real progress. Additionally, I was dragging my feet on the topic of children, something she was hopeful for. I was neglecting her needs, so she started looking elsewhere. It took her leaving me to wake me up, but in that moment I had a paradigm shift. All of the things I thought were impossible were suddenly quite possible. But her mind was already made up.
While the divorce was pending and we were still married she slept with him when she said she wouldn't. It wasn't entirely her fault, he showed up unannounced while she was out of town for a funeral (her family facilitated this surprise) and she gave in. After all they were going to marry after our divorce.
I kept trying. We divorced. I spoke with her as often as I could. I kept fighting.
He turned out to be a piece of trash and I won her back because I made the changes she needed. When she came home we aired out every single secret. I didn't care. I am just happy to have her back.
Sometimes it's even a little bit fun to think about when we are naughty and pretending.
#47
It was a symptom of another problem. Not only was she hiding the cheating, she was a chronic alcoholic. Like bottles of liquor throughout the week. Once confronted, she joined AA, got clean, went to therapy, and it all culminated into fixing a lot of issues in her life. She has been nothing but wonderful and trustworthy since being sober.
It took a lot for me not to leave (her committing to everything above) but it ended up being the right decision and the difference was extremely noticeable. 10 years clean next month and a happy relationship since.
#48
I did once. I guess I was still in love, I knew he *could* be a good partner overall. We had a lot of compatibility. My trust in never fully came back though. We didn’t get back together immediately, he stuck around during the hard times where I was just angry or broken.He respected all the boundaries I gave him . We eventually got back together after a year of that with strong boundaries when it came to other women BUT it never felt like he stopped “searching” (for lack of a better term to explain.) That, along with neglect and no real commitment in planning an actual future or moving forward, led me to break up with him eventually a few years later.
Now I’m happily married with a fully committed and loving partner. Part of me is upset I spent so much time with my ex BUT I got to meet my husband because he had mutual friends with my ex. So there’s that.
#49
I had zero self esteem at the time, and also the thought of telling people embarrassed me so much I just chose to stay. So I guess zero self esteem and a hurt ego.
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What do you think ?
Liz Rutherford 7 hours ago
Cheat on me once and that's it. No apologies, no therapy. Nothing. Get your s**t and get the fvck out.
jannettebettie 6 hours ago
I’m making $23000 to $29000 a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. First month i received $24758 just working on the laptop for 3 hours per day. This is what I do………..........................… WWW.LIVEJOB1.COM
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MedusaWasBeautiful 10 hours ago
Once you cheat, that is it. You cross a line that forever labels you a cheater.
Norfolk and good 1 hour ago
A lot of these couples seem to have stayed together for children or financial reasons. It would be interesting to see if they still think they made the right choice 10 years from now.
Liz Rutherford 7 hours ago
Cheat on me once and that's it. No apologies, no therapy. Nothing. Get your s**t and get the fvck out.
jannettebettie 6 hours ago
I’m making $23000 to $29000 a month working part time. I kept hearing other people tell me how much money they can make online so I decided to look into it. Well, it was all true and has totally changed my life. First month i received $24758 just working on the laptop for 3 hours per day. This is what I do………..........................… WWW.LIVEJOB1.COM
Load More Replies... MedusaWasBeautiful 10 hours ago
Once you cheat, that is it. You cross a line that forever labels you a cheater.
Norfolk and good 1 hour ago
A lot of these couples seem to have stayed together for children or financial reasons. It would be interesting to see if they still think they made the right choice 10 years from now.
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