“Being A Less-Than-Perfect Parent”: 50 Things Men Can Get Away With But Women Can’t, As Shared By People Online
Interview
It’s 2023. Spain is providing women with menstrual leave, female professional athletes in the US are finally receiving the same salaries as their male counterparts, and Scotland has passed a bill requiring free menstrual products to be available in public restrooms. Alongside all of the wins women have recently had, however, we still have a long way to go in creating a truly equal society.
One curious Reddit user recently asked people to share things that are socially acceptable for men to do that women face unfair judgment for, so below, you'll find some of their most prevalent responses, as well as conversations we were lucky enough to have with the person who posed this question and the host of Feminist Talks with Nandar.
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Expressing anger. If you're mad, you're either a harpish shrew, a crazy b***h, or hormonal.
Promiscuity, in fact, I've never once in my life heard that word applied to a man. Only women are considered "Promiscuous"
As long as no one is sleeping with my spouse, I have one thing to say -- have fun!
If you're a woman, many of the responses on this list will come as no surprise to you. We tend to become desensitized to the double standards we encounter often because it's exhausting to expend energy being constantly frustrated about them or engaging in heated discussions with individuals who deny their existence. But it's important to keep talking about these issues to ensure that one day our children, grandchildren or great-grandchildren won't have to experience them.
To learn more about how this particular conversation started in the first place, we reached out to the Reddit user who invited others to share things that are socially acceptable for men to do but frowned upon when women do them, and he was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. "My main goal [when creating this post] was to find comebacks that use logic against transphobia," he shared.
And when it comes to how many of these inequalities he has seen first-hand, the OP said, "I haven’t really observed many of them in my lifetime, but they do bother me." He went on to suppose that people tend to underestimate one gender due to "traditional roles that are deeply rooted" in many of us.
'babysit' your own kids. Thankfully it's falling out of favour but the amount of times my dad got asked by our family if he was 'babysitting' us while my mum was busy was wild. No, he's not babysitting us, he's being a parent. My mum never got asked if she was 'babysitting' us while dad was busy.
True, but women are guilty of this too. Asking me if I was babysitting. Acting surprised that I can change diapers or do other basic parenting stuff. I'm talking USA. Some countries still very much have 'women's work' categories. I got kind of scolded in the Philippines for washing my own clothes. And that was coming from the FEMALE relatives. LOL
Not wanting to have kids, if you’re a woman who decided to be child free people will call you lonely, selfish, and act like you’re wasting your life because apparently all women are here for is breeding. Once you’re 40-50 with no kids, society will insist you regret your decision not to have kids & will end up lonely with nobody in your life & 50 cats!
Once again I disagree with the stereotypes I'm reading on this thread. At almost 80 years old, I know so many women and couples who have not had children and are leading very happy lives. Where we live in BC, society does not insist you regret your decision . . . . . Far from it.
We also reached out to Nandar, host of Feminist Talks With Nandar, to hear her thoughts on the topic. "I think it is important to also discuss what men are not taught to do that women are forced to do because both affect us negatively," she told Bored Panda. "I grew up in a small village in Shan State Myanmar with two brothers who had the freedom to do whatever they wanted to do when they wanted to. For example, I would have to help do the household chores after the school break, while my brothers would hang out with their friends or play football. I did not like doing household chores, but I had to. Why? 'Because I am a girl' was the answer to that and so many other questions."
"I was not allowed to go out at night or sleepover at a friend’s house when my brothers could," Nandar went on to share. "I was also not allowed to wear the clothes that I wanted to wear. One time, when I was wearing a short skirt up to my knees, my brother made me go change immediately. Since then, I stopped wearing short skirts for over a decade. After I got my first period, I was scolded by my uncle not to do any sports, because it is 'not appropriate for men to see a grown woman' do that. (This implies that my body is growing, and men won’t be able to control themselves around woman). I gave up doing anything jumpy or sporty from then on. Enjoying and liking sex is another huge taboo in our culture. If a man talks about how he likes sex and has done it, people praise him for it. But when a woman even slightly mentions that she is curious about sex, she becomes a slut in society’s definition."
I've gotten the dumbest comments from people about doing things that aren't "womanly" lol ... Someone commented that my deodorant scent was masculine and I should be wearing woman's deodorant once. Like, sorry I'd rather not spend twice the money for Secret when I could get a cheap-a*s speed stick that just smells like pine trees.
Some of the men's products smell better. I like the way most men's bodywash smells over women's.
Letting body hair grow.
I let my body hair grow during the winter, and shave it during the summer :P
"The world we live in, as of now, is deeply patriarchy, which means the rules are set by and for men to enjoy their full rights while controlling women’s choices and bodies as they please," Nandar went on to explain. "Of course, things are slowly progressing because of the feminist movement around the world. These double standards exists because men feel the need to control women’s lives, so that they can continue dominating in every aspects of their lives. It isn’t fair, and it is because of these kinds of injustices that feminism was born and feminists like us are continuing to fight for our human rights to remove the patriarchy system and build a fairer world."
Reject.
As in rejecting men, opinions, theories. Anything, really. Men do it all the time, unconsciously even.
Women have lost their lives over this.
Frowning, or even failing to smile *all the time*. My husband was shocked when I told him how often a man tells me to smile when I'm just going about my business.
Just had an older man stop me in my gym and told me I should smile. I asked him if he told the men to smile, he said no. Told him to leave me alone, maybe YOU should walk around smiling for everyone in the gym, old man!! It was harsh I know, but people are so rude. Don't bug me when I'm lifting!
When it comes to how we can dismantle the patriarchy and remove these double standards, Nandar says women should refuse to conform to these arbitrary expectations. "I used to follow all these norms and standards despite the fact that it was making me deeply unhappy and confused. I thought that conforming to the norms is the way to achieve being a ‘good girl’ because I wanted to matter in society, but gradually, because of access to the right education, I was enlightened enough not to do that," she noted.
"The double standards and cultures do not serve us in anyway. They don't give any benefits or rights to grow fully as a person. In order for one to live fully, one must exercise their rights fully," Nandar continued. "This applies to all genders. Men must learn to give up their entitlement over women’s choices and bodies and realize that [we] are not something for them to take control of. Unlearn and relearn how you define masculinity because that is what has often led men to think that they are in full control of women’s lives. Without both parties (men and women) participation, it won’t be possible to remove the double standards that have become [part of our] culture."
EATING ANOTHER SLICE OF PIZZA (or other food stuff.)
The amount of times I've sat in a meeting warring with myself about how I'll be judged for having another food item is just sad.
Welding. My mother had a hell of a time just trying to do her job without guys messing with her and thinking either she's stupid or doesn't know what she's doing even though they went through the same classes and she's been doing it longer then most
Ugh, yes. I wanted to be a mechanic when I was in my teens. My dad (gently) discouraged me, saying that no one would take me seriously and I'd get a lot of harassment. He wasn't being sexist or promoting sexist ideals, he was telling me his observations. He had been an aeronautical mechanic for a while after he got back from Vietnam, and my mother had worked on the assembly line for Boeing back in the day as well. My dad said the female workers always got mocked, teased, harassed, and were always judged as poorer performers than the men, regardless of their actual productivity. I know my dad was just trying to look out for me, but I still wish I'd become a mechanic.
Nandar went on to share some wise words for women who are unfairly judged for these innocent actions. "This is advice I would give to my younger self: Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, even if people around you are making you feel bad for it," she told Bored Panda. "Be yourself. Stand up for what you believe, even if you are alone. Your voice matters. When you are standing up for yourself, you are standing up for generations of women before and after you. You may not know or feel like that right now, but it matters. Do and say what makes you feel best."
"Do not be afraid of question the norms," she continued. "The main reason these harmful ideas continue existing is because we don’t question them enough. When we question, we also make those who follow these ideas blindly think. Lastly, do not let anyone or any culture define you. What you do defines you, not your culture or your family. You can make the changes you wish to see."
Shaving your head. I do it a couple times a year and find it completely freeing. But have been judged for it by some. “Real women don’t shave their head” kind of thing. Why not?
Honestly, I’ve kinda wanted to just shave it too. Unfortunately I have a weird and prominent dip in the back of my skull that makes my head look ugly, but I at least want to cut my hair short. I know many women have short hair, but changing my appearance at all seems like too much of a risk since some middle schoolers can be complete jerks and can turn you into a joke over just about anything. :(
Doing jobs that require physical strength or were once considered “manly” like being a mechanic, firefighter, etc.
Edit: Yes, I know men are stronger and there’s evidence backing it. Women can still be capable. Some of you need to realize that some people work out.
Men tend to have more upper body strength, while women tend to have more lower body strength.
Nandar also urges all of the men out there to be allies to women. "Don’t be silent when you see injustice," she says. "Don’t ignore or assume that you have nothing to do with it. You are part of the society and culture that harms women’s lives and choices, and you must stand up for them because you are on the other side of the coin. We need to hold hands and change the system, not let the system change us."
If you'd like to hear more words of wisdom from Nandar, be sure to check out her podcast, Feminist Talks With Nandar right here!
Be angry
When my boyfriend's sdult son goes into an angry verbal tirade over even small things, he's "passionate".. When I get even so much as a little irritated, I am "irrational" and "overreacting".. I have to keep reminding him that its ok for women to be irritated and angry sometimes. We aren't always sunshine and rainbows.
When my husband cries in public he literally gets complements for being so "brave" ... When I do it I get asked if it's "that time of the month"
Being dedicated to your work and missing time with your kids
-Speak uninterrupted, and point it out without being negatively judged.
-Not worry about birth control.
-Ask for a raise.
-Be assertive.
I always get interrupted. To the point it's hard for me to finish what I want to say in my head, so I'm always stuttering. If someone is listening to me wholeheartedly, I just start trailing off expecting them to interrupt me. It's a real problem.
Letting your hair go naturally grey before you’re very old.
My ex's family would split up after dinner. All the men would go into another room and the women in the other. I wanted to carry on a conversation I was having with F in law about formula 1 racing and followed him. I got a total look of disapproval. Reminded them it wasn't victorian times and I'll do what the hell i like!
My ex's family, the men would be all "Welp. Lets head into the living room and let the ladies clean up." Being raised by a single mom this was jarring and enraging to me.
Bragging about how many people you’ve slept with
I don't think that sounds good coming from anyone, no matter what sex you are.
Doing our own home repairs or knowing about and working on cars.
Speaking up in a meeting as the only woman present.
Expressing a point of view different from the majority.
Been there, done all of these.
"Expressing a point of view different from the majority." I'm going to be observing if this happens in the BP community.
Wearing the same outfit multiple times in a week.
Couldn't care less, I'll wear what I feel like and don't care if anyone doesn't like it
Putting on weight
Omg, right? But we women can engage in criticism towards another woman with regards to putting on weight, too.
Negotiate pay. Numerous scientific research studies have shown that even when male and female actors negotiate the same exact way (e.g., same verbiage, same voice inflections, etc.) study participants (regardless of gender) view the female negotiators more negatively.
Admittedly, I was always bad at this. However, my daughter really kicks a*s in this department and can negotiate her needs/wants really well.
Fart and/or burp. Times 2 if at the same time.
Make equal pay.
This should be at the top of this discussion. Women should not be penalized for interrupting their career in order to raise children. Someone has to raise the next generation. And yes, dads need to raise their children too.
I have been surprised to discover that it’s not 100% socially acceptable for women to continue working after having a baby while the babies father stays home. I’ve gotten more than a few negative comments about it. So has my partner. Did not expect that to still be an issue for people.
My mom would be upset when my ex wasn't working while I worked. His family was upset if I was staying at home while he worked. All this judgement has been one of the many reasons I stuck to one child.
Interestingly enough, there's a double standard about gender roles in general. It is absolutely okay for a man to be seeking a woman who wants children and subscribes to traditional gender roles. He is described as a "family man" or a guy with "good morals." On the flipside, if a woman says she is looking for a provider or someone who can offer financial stability, she is usually labeled a "gold-digger" or even lazy.
(To be clear, I am not saying people should live by gender norms. I don't want kids, and I love working, and I get excited for my friends who want to raise families! I'm happy we have options!)
I've always thought the gold digger thing was literally because the money and possessions was more important than the relationship. Typically it was a woman who didn't actually like the man but just put up with him to get access to wealth. Nothing wrong with someone wanting stability and security if they actually care for the other person.
F*****g drinking. Men can drink beer all day long and no one comments on it but if a woman has a glass of wine every night before bed or a couple beers when out with friends, she’s an alcoholic and a bad influence. I don’t even drink but Louisianans like to party so I know quite a few people who do and there are several of the women who are treated this way amongst our peers. It’s ridiculous.
My family is in a community theatre group. During a production/stage design meeting, my husband picked up a staple gun and began playing with it, even shooting it toward someone's foot (intentionally missing, he's not trying to hurt anyone). He was surprised that the women and girls in the room were shocked by that behavior. "It was just FUN!" He said. I explained that women and girls are expected to be more mature. I explained that there's a prevailing view that girls mature faster than boys, but really it's just the expectation that we'll be better behaved. Turned the other way, we're simply not allowed to have that kind of "fun", nearly from birth. Boys are not only allowed to be rambunctious and wild, but are encouraged to do so. If a girl or woman is either, she's "undisciplined", "uncouth", or "out of control".
Yea I genuinely believe the reason that "women mature faster" is partially if not entirely due to social standards but I have no knowledge on it
Serving yourself a mountain of food at dinner
Unless you're thin, then you can eat whatever the h*ll you want. But if you're even slightly chubby then come the comments.
Being single in general i think is more socially acceptable for guys.
If a man is single, it's assumed that it's because he hasn't asked any one. If a woman is single, it's assumed that it's because no one has asked her.
Succeeding in life. Oftentimes, if you are a success at your job or whatever, people will ask if your dad helped you or if your boyfriend/husband helped you or if you're sleeping with your boss.
Being a less than perfect parent.
If you're a firm disciplinarian with your kids that means you're mean and controlling. It's ok for dads to be "strict" but moms are judged (usually by other moms). The same thing goes for moms that are too lenient (people laugh about dad letting little Suzie have ice cream for dinner) and anything else mom related in general.
I started rethinking religion when I read in the book of proverbs about how a good child is the father's pride while a bad child is a shame to their mother (paraphrasing) mothers are afraid of being called bad if the child becomes bad, and can't take credit for the child's good upbringing so they loose either ways, but a father can take the credit for the child's good upbringing and if the child turns out to be bad, he is not to be blamed. Too bad 😞😔
Weirdly, camping. I like to camp alone because it's very therapeutic. My family scowls when I talk about it. When husband camps alone, he gets pats on the back and survivalist discussions. When I do, people look at him like he's failing and I get comments on safety.
"Don't go hiking alone." "Don't go camping alone" "Don't go jogging alone" " Don't go downtown alone." What they mean "If something happens to you it's going to be your fault because you put yourself in that vulnerable situation knowing you have boobs and a vagina."
Choosing to not marry or be child-free.
When Sally Rogers (on The D**k Van Dyke Show) was asked "You 've never been married?", she replied "No, I've always been happy."
Missing major family events like birthdays, games. Gatherings, graduation. If the dad is working it’s accepted. If a mother is working it’s neglect
It's still s****y to the kids and other parent that has to deal with the upset kids. I wish workplaces would take consideration to family priorities. Can't even get out of work for a child's medical appointments because it's not the employee's medical appointment. B******t. The better, more attentive, present parent you are the more your work sees you as an unreliable employee. The more you put work first, the more you miss out on what's important to your family. This is why I give no emotional investment in my job, and do not feel bad for moving on to another job if I need to. My mom, on the other hand, feels bad when she quits, especially if she got on well with the employer. Couldn't understand this.
Talk directly and assertively. Have opinions ( in general), especially ideas to improve a process or function that isn't related to housecleaning and child rearing. Join men conversing about scientific, mechanical, or computing/technology. Sleep with someone who you aren't married to. Wear practical clothes or have short hair. Skip makeup. Disagree with a male coworker, especially if a supervisor.
Cheating on your spouse is totally unacceptable and grounds for a divorce. Period.
Showing any emotion other than happiness, love, or sadness. Or conversely, displaying no emotions, because in women it's seen as being angry, upset, or aggressive.
I especially remember as a child it wasn't acceptable to be anything but pleasantly compliant. Anger, sadness -- forget it.
Sitting with their legs spread. Taking up space. Drink in public. Dress any way they want without be accused of “asking for it” or “attention seeking”, be direct, not smile…
Ugh. My mom just told me this. There is literally no one else in the room, and when I asked why, she said, "You don’t want to look like a whore."
Disagree with an opinion.
Yeah. I've noticed people really piling it on, especially on social media. You should be able to engage in honest discourse w/o people getting nasty or downvoting you simply because your opinion differs from theirs.
Be unable to change a diaper.
It's like being cast away with your pal, and he develops an acute appendix. You can tell yourself that you can't do it, you just can't, but you know that, eventually, you're gonna have to go in there and just do what you can.
Sexual promiscuity. Normal bodily functions. Putting their career before their family/not wanting a family. Not wanting to have children. Not wanting marriage. Being single in general - “when are you going to find a nice man?” 
On the children one: there's nothing wrong with wanting to have kids, but a lot of people just assume that I would want to be a mother, or act like we should be trying to have kids despite fertility issues in the marriage. Never mind the utter irresponsibility of bringing a child you don't actually want into an overpopulated world full of kids who already exist and need homes, just because it's what you're "supposed" to do, and "you'll feel differently about children if it's your kid." Only people who actually want kids should be having them. That's a life-long commitment that society takes WAY to lightly. Maybe more people should be childless so we can get our own population under control and create a better world for future generations.
Going shirtless.
Body hair, asking for help with chores, saying no to sex, and not wanting children
Weaponized incompetence, walking out on their families, mansplaining. There are so many things
There's nothing acceptable for either sexes to walk out on their family just because they "just feel like it".
Nipple display
Scratching or adjusting their privates
It's rarely scratching - almost always adjusting. It comes with the territory of having your bits on the outside. The equivalent for women is adjusting your bras. I can go to any mall or other public place and see women adjust their bras. Just like the guys you try to be subtle about it and just like for the guys people still notice. I've also watched women trying to "de-floss" their butts - specially with the popularity of thongs. But that one not as often.
Talk about their sex life or how promiscuous they are.
Doing DIY, or lifting anything heavy.
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Nobody mentioned aging, or it being acceptable to be in a relationship with someone younger than you. Wrinkles make men 'distinguished', apparently, but according to society wrinkles just make women look ugly.
Yeah, I was having a conversation with my daughter about this today. Women are expected to do what they can to cover any signs of tiredness and wrinkles. Men can just let their aging faces shine. However, I explained to her we need wrinkles so our faces can emote, and the wrinkles are badges of all those emotions we've had throughout our life. Those commercial actors in anti-aging cream commercials don't look any more attractive because they don't move their face muscles the whole time. Just look stone-faced stiff. It's sad.
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Personal story here :P I've been talked down to for asking for a feminine product in public. I just stated that I need a pad and everyone gave me disgusting looks immediately. I get that's it's not normal but it was an emergency. Guess I know the "rules" now
I don't let anyone dissuade me from discussing and bringing up the mental cycle. It's a part of being born with a uterus, and just because half the population lacks one doesn't mean we can't show basic decency and acknowledge the annoyances that come with them. I will not cater to a society that wants us to suffer in silence.
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Raising your voice. In men, it's just them being loud. Women, it's "why can't you keep a nice voice". Well, someone just left a huge puddle of cat barf on the floor, so yeah, I'm gonna yell a little!
Nobody mentioned aging, or it being acceptable to be in a relationship with someone younger than you. Wrinkles make men 'distinguished', apparently, but according to society wrinkles just make women look ugly.
Yeah, I was having a conversation with my daughter about this today. Women are expected to do what they can to cover any signs of tiredness and wrinkles. Men can just let their aging faces shine. However, I explained to her we need wrinkles so our faces can emote, and the wrinkles are badges of all those emotions we've had throughout our life. Those commercial actors in anti-aging cream commercials don't look any more attractive because they don't move their face muscles the whole time. Just look stone-faced stiff. It's sad.
Load More Replies... Personal story here :P I've been talked down to for asking for a feminine product in public. I just stated that I need a pad and everyone gave me disgusting looks immediately. I get that's it's not normal but it was an emergency. Guess I know the "rules" now
I don't let anyone dissuade me from discussing and bringing up the mental cycle. It's a part of being born with a uterus, and just because half the population lacks one doesn't mean we can't show basic decency and acknowledge the annoyances that come with them. I will not cater to a society that wants us to suffer in silence.
Load More Replies... Raising your voice. In men, it's just them being loud. Women, it's "why can't you keep a nice voice". Well, someone just left a huge puddle of cat barf on the floor, so yeah, I'm gonna yell a little!
