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As we go through life, we cross paths with countless people every day. And while many of them have faced serious hardships, you wouldn’t always know it just by looking.
But if you pay attention, the signs are there. Maybe it’s the way they’re overly kind, always putting others first. Or how they apologize too much, even when there’s no reason to. Some become expert people-pleasers, doing everything they can to avoid conflict.
Redditors recently shared these and other subtle clues that reveal someone has been through a lot. Here’s what they had to say.
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#4
Zero tolerance for drama, b******t and toxic behaviour.
They're more likely to just walk away from friendships and relationships at the first sign.
Jay Scales 8 months ago
Yes, you see patterns in the small things and say 'Not dealing with that again!'
#5
People pleasing. Apologising too much. Internalised blame. Not being fazed by terrible things and finds very little to be really shocking. A good listener. Lack of boundaries. A loner. Quiet. Avoids people and crowds. Avoids drama. Doesn't really care about gossip, small talk or the mundane stuff. Doesn't have much to do with family.
Sometimes I wish I didn't know these things.
Edit: Thanks for my biggest up vote and response yet people. I don't feel so alone today.
There are good people in this world. Keep fighting and learning every day. ❤️.
#6
Keeping themself distant from everyone. Not opening up.
Little Bit 8 months ago
Because I've been let down, hurt and abused by people who were supposed to look after me I find it hard to trust anyone and would rather keep people at arm's length than risk being hurt and abused again.
#7
They tend to keep a lot of information about themselves locked up for fear of it being used against them.
#8
In social situations they never ask people about their family. Mostly cuz they don’t want people asking them about theirs. That’s a new one my wife pointed out to me.
Lady Eowyn 8 months ago
I'm lucky, I can now honestly say I have no family left. It's just me and my service dog.
#9
We lose it over little things because we aren’t allowed to lose it over big things. Surprisingly reliable during high-stakes chaos but a tiny small thing will send us spiralling for days.
Little Bit 8 months ago
Sometimes we have so many big things to deal with that a small insignificant thing is enough to tip us over the edge. The final straw that broke the camel's back.
#10
They appreciate the tiniest things around them. They are super empathetic and kind. But they can also flip like a switch if you push too hard.
#11
Incredibly self aware, very open about some experiences, make jokes about trauma....
Enough about me! How are you doing?
#12
They have the ability to turn to stone at the snap.of a finger. Any past emotions, just gone.
#14
They instantly click with other people who have been through a lot of s**t before even realising the other person has been through a lot of s**t
No seriously it's like a sensor.
#15
They don’t like their birthdays celebrated.
Little Bit 8 months ago
Because at some point in their lives they've been made to feel like they're not worthy of any kind of celebration and it makes them feel uncomfortable. I know this feeling well.
#16
Sarcasm, thick skin, quick wit and dark humor.
#17
An uncanny ability to read past the literal words someone says and hear what they're really saying, even if they didn't want to tell you that.
#18
Being an "Empath ". People who grew up in incredibly abusive households, learn to be hyper aware of Incredibly subtle body language and speech, as a coping mechanism from violently unpredictable Relationships. They are often very in tune with the emotions of those around them.
#19
They apologize a lot for basically everything.
Heras buddy 8 months ago
Hardly ever apologize. Don't care what others think. I only worry about what animals feel about me. They're the only judge I care about.
#20
Extreme self-awareness is often present. Empathy and effort to understand as well.
*raspberry sound 8 months ago
I cannot continue reading this, this is all way too close to home
#21
How fast they can flip the switch and not put up with your s**t anymore.
EDIT: WOW! So appreciative of not only the thousands of upvotes but the hundreds of comments as well. I truly believe that having open discussions about things like this are the path to overcoming your difficulties and being successful. I also appreciate the numerous private messages that have been sent. Please know that I either have or plan to respond to every single one of them.
#22
Can't take a compliment because to them thats the start of manipulation. Also don't like gifts becuase they come with strings usually and they aren't prepared to have something else come back at them because they "accepted" the gifts.
Also likely fiercely independant, although you get the ones that go the other way and are too scared to do *anything* alone.
Heras buddy 8 months ago
Took me 58 years to like myself. But my dogs loved me and that was great. Now I don't think so lowly of myself.
#23
Unflappable. Nothing you could possible say could shock them. They appear to handle bad news well because of this, but it’s actually a shut down response.
#24
They’re angry, and resentful. I’m going against the grain here by saying this but as someone who has experienced child abuse and been blamed for it and been misunderstood my entire life, yeah, I’m angry and resentful.
Sorry.
Update: thanks everyone. To those who are going through similar, I feel you, a lot.
Lee Gilliland 8 months ago
Of course you are angry and resentful. At this point, I'm angry and resentful of the way you're being treated. I've been there. All I can say is it will get better and easier as you go along the path of your life.
#25
Their eyes don’t sparkle yet they are the kindest souls to ANYONE and EVERYONE.
Ty Stratton-Quirk 8 months ago
"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.'' -Anonymous
#26
Socially distant, not trusting of anyone.
#28
The eyes are a pretty good indicator. “Been through s**t eyes” seems to be a thing.
#29
Disassociation.
Magenta Blu 8 months ago
It is the only way to get through things. Going to whatever other place in your mind
#30
People who laugh and seem happy,try to make others laugh i believe can hide a lot of things behind that mask.
Virgil Blue 8 months ago (edited)
Robin Williams comes to mind. So much quick humor, such insights. But a dark hidden pit of despair always threatening to overwhelm him. Until it finally did. Miss you, funny man.
#31
I lost most of my memories and who I was. It *literally* started coming back to me today... for once i feel safe. My current bf is the only person to treat me as human and make me feel safe 100%. I can finally heal... and im not alone in it.
**But f*****g hell the world is filled with monsters**.
Thatkamloopsguy 8 months ago
Unfortunately the world will always be filled with monsters, We are just better at spotting them now.
#32
They startle easily.
They are sick often.
They have a collection of chronic/autoimmune illnesses.
They apologize for everything.
They stare off into space often.
Magenta Blu 8 months ago
Even the tv is too much stress to handle. I can't be in places with tvs.. And crowds. Can't handle them
#33
I've been through a lot of c**p. I get suspicious of the intentions of people unless I've been with them for a reasonable amount of time.
Jay Scales 8 months ago
Yes, I'm like a cat - I watch from a distance until I see how someone really is.
#34
Deep shame. It's always their fault. There's something wrong with them. No one cares or no one understands.
Magenta Blu 8 months ago
Never being enough. Trying so hard for not achieving even the most basic thing: being accepted. Fitting. Being loved is definitely out of reach. I just don't understand why it is so easy for everyone, but for me. I don't get it. I can't discover what it is wrong with me
#35
Big things don't phase them, but small inconveniences can make them unreasonably angry.
#36
An innate ability to remain calm in times of panic/chaos, because when you grow up in chaos it becomes easier to navigate in a calm manner (because what choice do you have).
#37
Old souls, good in emergencies/crisis, empathetic, creative, far off stare, “mature for their age,” sentimental, bonds easily with animals.
#38
Hyperalertness aka hypervigilance.
1. Fixation on potential threats (dangerous people, animals, or situations)
2. An increased startle reflex (more likely to jump or be jarred by sudden sounds)
3. Dilated pupils.
4. Higher heart rate.
5. Elevated blood pressure.
6. Behavioral (obsessive) avoidance of certain situations.
#39
- The genuine smile with that sadness behind the eyes
- The ability to detach yourself emotionally from people at the drop of a hat
- Apologizing for everything
- Being kind/genuine/emphatic because you know what it’s like to go through hell & you know some other people also have battles going on in their own lives
- Don’t open up easily/allow ourselves to be vulnerable easily
- Dark humor
- Good at reading people/situations
- Self isolation (I need my recharge)
- Considered an “Old Soul”.
#40
Tiredness constant exhaustion, physical or emotionally.
#41
A great sense of humor. You have to find a way out of the darkness so many use humor as a coping mechanism.
#42
They’re able to give very succinct and good advice when you mention s**t you are going through.
#43
They’re a loner, have empathy, will simply walk away if they feel you’ve wronged them rather than stay and argue.
Magenta Blu 8 months ago
But then, overthinking again and again and imagining what should we had said... It has no end
#44
They don't cry because they worry they will never be able to stop.
They casually treat themselves badly because others have treated them poorly for so long.
They are overweight, and even though it feels like a depressing prison, it also feels "safe".
#45
They tell really dark stories super matter of factly and don’t understand why it makes other people uncomfortable/sad.
#47
They are more protective of the vulnerable.
#48
They don't get excited by future events that much, they've been promised things plenty of times that were not true/been let down. That gets you to a point of 'ok sounds fun, but we'll see about it then and there when it actually happens'.
Magenta Blu 8 months ago
And even if it happens... Better not enjoy it much, because it will get taken away sooner than later.
#49
Someone told me I looked defeated the other day. D**n. Does it show that bad?
#50
They look shell shocked, you can see how their body automatically reacts to specific stimuli, and they tend to overcompensate. They'll also either be the kindest people you know or some of the worst. This is just my personal experience tho.
#51
Watch their eyes when the go somewhere they haven't been before. Every person, every exit, every obstacle, they are checking for threats, escape routes, and anything that could be a problem if something happens.
TheForrestGreene (he/they/it) 8 months ago
this is my third year at my current school, and im STILL doing this -_-
#52
Always checking that you’re ok, so they know they haven’t done anything wrong or upset you somehow.
#54
They are reclusive and standoffish. Dont trust easily. Dont just run up and talk to anyone and everyone. Moves carefully. Eyelid twitches. Lol.
#55
I grew up in what is, by definition, a death cult. Though even after all these years, I still feel silly and dramatic saying that.
I have seen evil and what it does to people; those I considered friends and family. I have felt firsthand the affects of said evil. Evil is not usually flagrant. It's insidious and imitates normality.
It either: breaks you, making you a barely functional person. A recluse who cannot handle to norms of life (socializing, health, employment, etc.).
Or you come out the other side having learned to channel suffering into empathy. You develop a discerning eye for spoting pain, depression, and anxiety in others. This empathy pushes you to grow as a person and better yourself and others around you.
#56
Being simultaneously detached and empathetic. They don't want to bear the weight of connections gone awry, or introduce that potential chaos into their life since it has burnt them in the past, but they still care and want what's best for people.
If I see that the light has gone out of someone's eyes, but they still try and do well by those around them, that puts them on the track to earning my respect. I empathize a great deal with the downtrodden. It's rough out here.
#57
When s**t starts up again they just go distant and very quiet.
#58
They don't cry. At all. They're so desensitized to that stuff that they literally can't cry.
#60
Being hyper independent.
Lady Eowyn 8 months ago
One of the hardest things in my life is that as I age, I will need more help.
#61
Last year 2024, I lost 3 family members. I just don’t know how people deal with this, but I’ve become more reclusive less socially active. It’s fine.
#62
Deep appreciation for things that most people take for granted, like for example waking up as an adult in a quiet and peaceful home knowing you don’t have to worry about what you are waking up to anymore like you did growing up.
#63
If they check up on u a lot bcs that means they want someone to check up on them too.
Magenta Blu 8 months ago
Yeah.. and still no one check up on me. Ever. As if I didn't exist. No one will find my remains until years have passed. I'm sure of this
#65
A lot of the responses here are basically trauma responses, which are obviously valid, but the most strikingly "gone through s**t" person I knew never reacted to anything beyond acknowledgement. He had a pretty rough teenage and early adult life but got things put together pretty good in his mid 30s, but since he's seen so much and been through so much he basically waits to see if he has a reason to be concerned. Little speedbumps in life don't bother him at all, but he addresses them immediately if he can.
Dude's a very well put together man, and while we're roughly the same age, I have a lot to learn from him.
#66
Thousand yard stare.
#67
They don't want to talk about it.
cerinamroth 8 months ago
Sometimes it all comes out at once as an overshare. I don’t judge other people who do this because I have done it too.
#68
Nothing phases them. What makes others yell and whine, they just shrug and walk away.
Like me. I used to fight a lot. Argue.
Older me doesn't see the point. All my friends are dead. I have a son. I don't have time for any of the day to day b******t. I just walk away and continue what I was doing.
#69
The eyes are very revealing.
#70
Unflinching calmness and composure during chaos.
cerinamroth 8 months ago
I have this during the chaos itself but a little while after the chaos I am an absolute frigging mess. I have PTSD and was caught up in the terrorist attacks in Paris in 2015. We were just trying to get back to where we were staying but nowhere seemed safe. Gunshots, blue lights everywhere, people running, crying, desperately talking on their phones. I was thinking clearly and leading our group of friends. I was fine for the next couple of days but then it hit me hard and I was retraumatised for quite a long time.
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What do you think ?
Huddo's sister 8 months ago
I think a lot of these are things people who have experienced trauma do experience, but they don't necessarily signify that is their experience. They fit for a lot of other things too, such as anxiety, depression etc (which may also be caused by trauma but not necessarily). So if you jump to them being traumatised you could be misjudging the situation.
Lost Panda 8 months ago
By these posts, I guess I'm traumatized... Not saying they're wrong, or anything... Just find it interesting.
Little Bit 8 months ago
They keep a low profile and don't do anything to draw attention to themselves in case it makes them look vulnerable. They find it hard to trust anybody because they have at some point been let down by everyone . Nothing ever surprises them, nothing ever shocks them, They don't like help or being given gifts or treats from anyone and can't accept compliments because they feel they're not worthy of them. They avoid confrontation, take the blame for everything and over apologise. They're so used to bad stuff happening that they don't expect or even hope for anything else.
PunchinelloTX 8 months ago (edited)
75% of these apply to me. Trauma sires isolation. I’ve made myself useful by being the stand-by “dad.”‘ Though I thankfully have no children, I am the parental figure to a disparate bunch of adults. I’m the steady presence for my friends and family, quick with a joke, quick to offer aid, always there to listen. Dependable, courteous, compassionate. What’s most surprising to me is that of late, in the face of a major medical issue, my friends are frustrated because they want to help me. They want to hear about it, do things for me. They’re annoyed by my distance and stubborn independence. So now I have to learn to let some of that control go, stop being the “dad” all the time and accept the help and love. That’s even more difficult than the cancer.
Stannous Flouride 8 months ago
The number of upvotes on these, all of which I can relate to on at least some level, tells me much about my fellow Pandas. Stuff I've always suspected judged on the generally supportive atmosphere here and lack of tolerance for trolls.
bElLa sTairZz 8 months ago
how come the polls just filled with synonyms? all of those are people pleasing traits
Lady Eowyn 8 months ago
I think, and you did ask what I think, that you're poll options are always far too limiting.
Dilly Dally 8 months ago
Me and my older brother used to not be so great at doing homework, or getting assignments done. If you didn't get an assignment done, my dad would go crazy. I almost never cry when someone is angry at me, but when my dad does... I legitimately feel scared. even if it's my older brother who's being yelled at, I'm scared that will turn to me. Any time my parents call my name now, I have a mini panic attack. I once had a grade down in a class because I mistakenly entered a wrong assignment, and when my dad saw that grade, he said if I didn't get that grade up by the end of the term, he'd take away my art pad. permanently. even if I tried my best. I've lost count of the nights I've cried myself to sleep, wondering what might happen the next morning.
Max Fox 8 months ago
I will be downvoted on my posts here, because I wrote about how trauma erodes and reduces empathy, which goes against the preferred narrative of a bunch of people here. The facts show differently, and if a person who went through trauma thinks that it made them more empathetic, they are wrong. Empathy is just another brain function, and trauma messes with them all, with those that help survival being strengthened , and those that don't are weakened. Empathy is not a trait that helps with survival in a potentially traumatizing situation, but fear and aggression are.
Huddo's sister 8 months ago
I think a lot of these are things people who have experienced trauma do experience, but they don't necessarily signify that is their experience. They fit for a lot of other things too, such as anxiety, depression etc (which may also be caused by trauma but not necessarily). So if you jump to them being traumatised you could be misjudging the situation.
Lost Panda 8 months ago
By these posts, I guess I'm traumatized... Not saying they're wrong, or anything... Just find it interesting.
Little Bit 8 months ago
They keep a low profile and don't do anything to draw attention to themselves in case it makes them look vulnerable. They find it hard to trust anybody because they have at some point been let down by everyone . Nothing ever surprises them, nothing ever shocks them, They don't like help or being given gifts or treats from anyone and can't accept compliments because they feel they're not worthy of them. They avoid confrontation, take the blame for everything and over apologise. They're so used to bad stuff happening that they don't expect or even hope for anything else.
PunchinelloTX 8 months ago (edited)
75% of these apply to me. Trauma sires isolation. I’ve made myself useful by being the stand-by “dad.”‘ Though I thankfully have no children, I am the parental figure to a disparate bunch of adults. I’m the steady presence for my friends and family, quick with a joke, quick to offer aid, always there to listen. Dependable, courteous, compassionate. What’s most surprising to me is that of late, in the face of a major medical issue, my friends are frustrated because they want to help me. They want to hear about it, do things for me. They’re annoyed by my distance and stubborn independence. So now I have to learn to let some of that control go, stop being the “dad” all the time and accept the help and love. That’s even more difficult than the cancer.
Stannous Flouride 8 months ago
The number of upvotes on these, all of which I can relate to on at least some level, tells me much about my fellow Pandas. Stuff I've always suspected judged on the generally supportive atmosphere here and lack of tolerance for trolls.
bElLa sTairZz 8 months ago
how come the polls just filled with synonyms? all of those are people pleasing traits
Lady Eowyn 8 months ago
I think, and you did ask what I think, that you're poll options are always far too limiting.
Dilly Dally 8 months ago
Me and my older brother used to not be so great at doing homework, or getting assignments done. If you didn't get an assignment done, my dad would go crazy. I almost never cry when someone is angry at me, but when my dad does... I legitimately feel scared. even if it's my older brother who's being yelled at, I'm scared that will turn to me. Any time my parents call my name now, I have a mini panic attack. I once had a grade down in a class because I mistakenly entered a wrong assignment, and when my dad saw that grade, he said if I didn't get that grade up by the end of the term, he'd take away my art pad. permanently. even if I tried my best. I've lost count of the nights I've cried myself to sleep, wondering what might happen the next morning.
Max Fox 8 months ago
I will be downvoted on my posts here, because I wrote about how trauma erodes and reduces empathy, which goes against the preferred narrative of a bunch of people here. The facts show differently, and if a person who went through trauma thinks that it made them more empathetic, they are wrong. Empathy is just another brain function, and trauma messes with them all, with those that help survival being strengthened , and those that don't are weakened. Empathy is not a trait that helps with survival in a potentially traumatizing situation, but fear and aggression are.
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