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In a perfect utopian world, everyone would live in peace, and everyone would have someone to love and someone who loves them. Sadly, we don't live in such a place.
Instead, quite a few people in this world don't even get such a simple – but important – thing as parental love. And that shapes them for their whole life, which can easily be seen with the naked eye, as today's list shows. So, let's jump in and see what those signs are, shall we?
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#1
You can usually feel it in the way someone protects their heart. They often carry that quiet ache, like they’re still waiting for someone to prove they’re safe.
They might apologize too much, try too hard to please everyone or shut down the moment things get too real. Deep down they’re scared that if people really see them they’ll leave.
RELATED:
#2
Hyperindependence. Low self-esteem. Overachieving.
amy lee 1 month ago
I find high achieving and super independent people have fairly good self esteem. Like they have succeeded enough times to know they can make anything work.
Ben Aziza 1 month ago
You are right. It is a path where each one leads to the next. Low self-esteem is the start but it eventually leads to high self esteem if one gets to the Hyperindependence and Overachieving parts.
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#3
As someone who was severely neglected as a child, I struggle with asking people for the smallest of favors or most miniscule effort of help. I always feel like I'm bothering people and I feel like what I'm asking is absurd.
Lukas (he/him, it/its) 1 month ago
Yep, this is me, I've been struggling so hard since I turned 18 but I'm horrible at asking for help
Tabitha 1 month ago
Sometimes this doesn’t happen in childhood, but after becoming an adult and having people disappoint you and/or abandon you. Whether they’re your significant other and should have your back and let you down, or one of those people who offers to help you anytime you need it, and tell you to just call and they’ll come running, then disappear off the face of the earth when you actually make that call. Have this happen enough, and you realize the only person you can 100% rely on to help you is you. So you stop asking.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago (edited)
I had to become self-reliant at an age when I should've been carefree and having fun. Being a survivor of neglect and @buse caused this intense level of independence. That's why I rarely ask others for help.
Tyranamar Seuss 1 month ago
What really helped me with this was several therapists. I used to go into emotional crisis. And just deal with it myself. I had several therapists who would say, "Why didn't you call me?" So I started calling them. Lo and behold, I hardly ever have emotional crises anymore. And I know if I do I can always call someone. A friend, a therapist. It was so helpful. I'm less frantic now.
It’s rather common to express an opinion that all kids deserve love. But the thing is that it’s not really just an opinion – it’s a straightforward fact. Apparently, love is a “secret ingredient” in raising a kid into a properly functioning adult.
Basically, how it works is that love, or in other words, the caring attention of a kid, brings a lot of benefits to their development. For example, it makes their brain grow. Literally. Research shows that children of mothers who supported them through difficult tasks had a bigger hippocampus.
#4
Hating things like Christmas and their Birthday. They're so used to being let down in these situations, so they hate to even think about it.
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago (edited)
Yep. Stopped asking for anything on Christmas because I know I'll never get it (beside from my grandparents because they are gems), and I don't celebrate my birthday with a party anymore, I just buy a cake and eat it (and a mug because I love mugs).
KatSaidThat 1 month ago (edited)
I spend xmas alone in a onesie eating whatever I want and drinking champers from about an hour after I get up at whatever time I want - because apparently it's not cool to phone my sober family drunk 😆 I buy myself gifts. I get more presents from patients at work than I ever do friends and family... ps, this is not a trauma dump - I actually really do prefer not spending xmas with a lot of people.
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Jack 1 month ago
No, I hate Christmas because it cannot live up to the hype, and what is supposed to be a single day, has stretched into a two month mandatoy joyfest that screws up Thanksgiving along the way. Eventually, Christmas will start right after the 4th of July.
Pollywog 1 month ago
You've never heard of Christmas in July?? Lucky duck!! 🦆
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Stardust she/her 1 month ago
Haven’t had a proper birthday in years, friends never made the effort to even show up and my parents have never considered giving me any gift (I wouldn’t mind if they at least gave me a keychain). I also haven’t been looking forward to them since it just means I’ve spent one more year wasting my life
Saber4 1 month ago
Your life isn’t wasted. Find something you like and celebrate it. You are worth it. Check out a Facebook group for something you like. Great way to meet new friends. Good luck.
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Gingersnap In Iowa 1 month ago
I didn't receive my birthday card from my Dad this year. Dad mailed mine and my brother's, both lost in the mail. My brother lives in Kentucky and I live in Iowa.
Littlemiss 1 month ago
Hated Christmas, it was always a shite show of self hatred, loathing, and bullying each year. My Dad was snarky and made you feel like an ungrateful maggot if you didn't smile and fake happiness all day long. Filled with insults and ego trips.
Rick Murray 1 month ago
As "the weird kid", I had a birthday party and the only people that turned up were the next door neighbour's kids because free cake. I was eight, they were fifteen and sixteen. I pretty much stopped bothering with birthdays since then. Mom would get me something, and later on in life we'd go do something special six months later (I was born on the 16th of December, I decided that I would ignore that day and do any "birthday stuff" on the 16th of June), but I've not had or wanted a birthday *party* in a little over four decades. My introvert self is *not* bothered by this.
Michael Largey 1 month ago (edited)
As a child, I was surrounded by wonderful people - my parents and my brothers - on Christmas and my birthday. All of them are gone now, and those two days can be quite tough, despite having a later set of wonderful people present in my life.
Apatheist Account2 1 month ago
I hate them because we got into a rut of circulating the same cash or giving completely pointless and unwanted presents. We made it birthdays every 10 years only, so that we can give a more substantial gift (often involving collaboration with the rest of the family). Also, as an introvert who hates food and doesn't drink, I wouldn't have any way of celebrating anyway.
KatSaidThat 1 month ago
I don't hate them, I just don't really appreciate them. And yes, it's because I've only ever been celebrated once, 11 years ago.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
I kind of hate those occasions for opposite reason. They were wondefful as child but often disappointed as adult.
#5
They panic way more than they should at small mistakes.
Vinnie 1 month ago (edited)
If their parents screamed at them for any and every mistake, it can make it hard to understand what's serious and what's small.
Michael Largey 1 month ago
I once lived next to a woman who had melt-downs, shrieking the f-b**b at her two-year old for the slightest thing. If the kid ever did anything really wrong or dangerous, she would have been speechless. I finally had a word with a friend at CPS.
Load More Replies... #6
Overly apologetic. Low self esteem. Trying to make bad relationships work because you just want someone to love you for who you are.
Vinnie 1 month ago
I have the same issue with apologizing a lot. If you also try to make bad relationships work, there may be a reason. Some people subconsciously recreate their childhood conditions to "win over" the parent stand-in so that they can "cure" the relationship and prove they are worthy of love. It's much better to give up and say "My parents not loving me is on them, not me." It's okay to grieve what you didn't get from them. It's not okay to seek out someone similar to them and try to "fix" them. Sometimes one has to behave *in spite* of one's feelings and not because of them.
Load More Replies... Ben Aziza 1 month ago
Overly apologetic... I am like this by default with ppl I consider nice.Or so i was told cus i never really saw it that what. One thing I am sure of tho is that once I know it is a bad relationship or a bad person i dont apologize anymore actually the opposite... I deconstruct exactly what things make them awful with no issue. But i rarely if ever cut ties... Cus I naively think that most ppl can get better.
This is significant, as this part of the brain controls how a person learns, how much they can remember, and even how they handle stress. Thus, even the simple support of parents gives so many benefits.
And that’s not even all. Aside from the hippocampus size improvement, receiving love can also increase a kid's self-esteem. As you probably already suspect, the more love and support a child receives, the stronger their self-esteem gets.
#7
Feeling stress accepting gifts because to them it means they owe that person something in return. Yeah, that's me. .
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
Parents putting unseen price tags on everything and then enforcing them.
Laserleader 1 month ago
Yeah, gifts from my patents were obligations, and from anyone outside the family were payment for something past or future.
#8
Extremely independent and anxious at the same time.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
Okay, now we're talking. When you're neglected and unloved, you have two choices - withdraw into yourself or become independent/self-reliant. Toss in some PTSD, which causes anxiety, and you have a strange and, somewhat, alienating life.
#9
They seek out relationships that are also more one sided (as in they continue to not be loved properly)
Sometimes they're actually turned off by the person liking them "too much" as that must mean there's something wrong with that partner.
Michael Largey 1 month ago
"I refuse to go out with anyone who would date someone like me." kept me home on Saturday nights for ten years.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
This might be semantics, but I'd use gravitate instead of seeking. If children learn what they live, they tend to gravitate to the familiar vs seeking it out.
Similar things apply to many other areas – the more love a kid gets, the better they are at something. Even with their health. A kid who didn’t get that much deserved love has a higher chance of developing various problems like cardiovascular disease, cholesterol issues, stroke, diabetes, and so on. Pretty dark, isn’t it?
Well, not only is health affected by a lack of attention as a child. As our list shows, there are many ways the rest of a person’s life is affected. From full-blown mental health issues to other, more minimal ones. For instance, having “quirks” like being overly apologetic or hyper independent.
#10
They across as though they need to buy affection or love through acts of service or gifts. They cant accept someone loves them regardlessof what they can do for them.
#11
As I have observed it, self-centeredness. Not selfishness; but if nobody in your life takes care of you, then you have to do it yourself, and it becomes a survival thing.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
Being in survival mode, which even now still afflicts me, is not the same level of self-centeredness we use to describe AHs. It's a heightened level of awareness, centered on self, that keeps you alive and protected from various types of danger.
KatSaidThat 1 month ago
Sadly however we have to experience those actual dangers and events to learn them.
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Joe Publique 1 month ago
Yet taking care of yourself doesn't mean you must become self-centred. So, it must be something else....
#12
Self doubt, it’s a huge part to play. A lack of confidence and distancing. Struggling to maintain relationships and opening up.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
Living in survival mode, I learned to fake it until I could make it. Didn't always work, but that was a lessoned learned. As for relationships, I didn't stick around waiting and hoping, I left and looked for something better.
You might think that in some cases these “quirks” can be rather useful, and they can, but at the same time, they can also be rather upsetting in other situations. Especially knowing that they come from the trauma of not being properly loved.
The good thing is that being an unloved child doesn’t make you a lost cause – there are ways to heal. As you can probably guess, one of the best ways to do so is through therapy. Well, there’s a reason it’s an answer to so many issues – it does work.
#13
Lying as a stress response. Seeking out attention and validation like a substance.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
I don't lie to people I like or respect, but I can spin a yarn when my back's up against the wall. Got me out of many a traffic ticket.
#14
Always questioning themselves because of the need to be correct and not let anyone down!
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
I wish I knew where or how I learned that saying I don't know is a perfectly acceptable answer, as is deferring to someone else who does know. That way you're not letting anyone down.
#15
Not being able to accept that people like them in adulthood.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
I remember when I realized friends had only tolerated my ex because they like ME
KatSaidThat 1 month ago
8 towns/cities in 12 years of schooling left me not knowing how to keep friends.
It can help a person to grow self-love, set needed boundaries, develop coping skills and self-awareness, and many other things. Basically, it provides a person with a safe space where they can work through their problems without judgment and with support.
That’s how they heal from a lack of love in their life and get ready to receive it in their current stage of life. After all, just because your parents didn’t properly love you, that doesn’t mean someone else will fill that gaping hole.
Have you ever noticed any signs that basically scream that person was unloved in their younger days? Please, share with us!
#16
I've never met a funny person that wasn't completely and utterly broken as a child.
Michael Largey 1 month ago
What does not k**l you will probably come back and try again.
Load More Replies... Michael Largey 1 month ago
If I am funny at all, it's probably because I learned it from two hilariously witty people who were also loving and devoted parents and who encouraged me to be funny.
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago
Well having a dad that beat you and a stepdad that made it very clear he never wanted kids certainly open a TON of jokes possibility.
Rick Murray 1 month ago
That's because the trauma cycle is something like fear->horror->disbelief->ridicule. You come out the other side (mostly) intact, you'll mock it all relentlessly. For some reason others often find this sort of thing amusing. 🤷
Lee Gilliland 1 month ago
It's the way we survived. All comedians had lousy childhoods and a good many of us haven't had great adulthood, either.
Gin 1 month ago
That isn't true... I'm not saying it is never a factor but there are a number of comedians that have good relationships with their parents. Some even use a parent as part of their comedy. eg Jack Whitehall. Now, I don't find his form of comedy particularly funny, but he has a close family and he is successful. Guz Khan, Greg Davies, Russell Howard, Romesh Ranganathan...
Load More Replies... KatSaidThat 1 month ago
When you tell your funny story and the room goes silent and people are 😮
Michael Largey 1 month ago (edited)
The chief argument for men wearing ties is that it made Rodney Dangerfield's career possible.
Load More Replies... #17
Deflects conpliments, low self worth.
Ellinor she/they/elle 1 month ago (edited)
That was more of a school bullying issue for me. There was a game my classmates played when I was about 8/9 years old, one of them would come to see me and tell me they loved me, I would say "really ?" and they would laugh and say that I was unlovable and too ugly. Then a few days later another one would do the same, and on and on. When I had my first boyfriend I had a really tough time accepting that he really loved me, I doubted it all the time.
KatSaidThat 1 month ago
I am finally learning to just say thank you instead of returning a false compliment.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
Or they're British. Took a while, but I learned a simple thank you was sufficient.
#18
He is a people pleaser, wears dull clothes not to attract attention, doesn't try to engage well with others, has a very small group of friends he sticks to, always ready when someone makes a plan, overlooked at promotion and appraisal, gets into relationship with narcissist people but then repeats it with another
Source - Me .
#19
Seeing constructive criticism as proof you are an imposter.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
I remember being in school, and the teachers would tell you straight out that you were wrong. Some kids would fold into themselves and others used it as motivation to learn the correct answer. I welcome constructive criticism because it offers growth.
#20
When they apologize after YOU bump into THEM. it's like their soul's default setting is "my bad for existing.".
Jack 1 month ago
Clumsy people auto-apologize because they are used to being the one who does the bump.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
True. I can be very clumsy, it's not lack of spatial awareness, it's legit clumsiness. Apologizing is an automatic response.
Load More Replies... #21
People who struggle to trust others or feel secure in relationships often had unmet emotional needs growing up.
Riley Quinn 1 month ago
Trust and security were the obstacles for me to forge any long-term relationships. I needed a safe place, and if that became untenable, I was gone.
#23
Minimally expressive, emotions are more of an abstract thought.
Unsure of how they should mask around new people so very slow to open up.
Adult children of emotionally immature parents was a good read for me.
#24
They cannot accept love in adulthood.
#25
Someone else’s parent sitting you down and stating “I like you but I’ve got my own sons” and realising why it needed to be said.
Kelly Scott 1 month ago
Exactly. I was forced to live with my cousins and I was told I had the same responsibilities and chores as everyone else because "family". But when it came time to celebrate my birthday or Christmas or when I needed support, all of a sudden I wasn't family anymore - I was the outsider and had to go. After all was said and done, I realized those people would never let down their own kids but they'd toss me to the curb in no time flat for anything because I didn't "belong". It taught me that if your own parents aren't going to care about you, no one else ever will, either, no matter what they say.
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What do you think ?
Earonn - 1 month ago
Not me, but a friend of mine grew up with a real, imperfect but loving family, and I can assure you - no, not all.
Load More Replies...
Maren Villadsen 1 month ago
Tip toeing around, kot to be heard. Im 40 live alone and I still do that
Earonn - 1 month ago
A lot of me in this list, yeah. - But even more so, I wish I could make a friend of mine read this list. He's mentioned so often. Unfortunately, even if we were still at our closest, he never would. Poor him.
nicoleermintrude 1 month ago
I ɢᴇᴛ ᴘᴀɪᴅ ᴏᴠᴇʀ $120 ᴘᴇʀ ʜᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ ғʀᴏᴍ ʜᴏᴍᴇ. I ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ɪ'ᴅ ʙᴇ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ɪᴛ ʙᴜᴛ ᴍʏ ʙᴜᴅᴅʏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇs ᴏᴠᴇʀ $13,453 ᴀ ᴍᴏɴᴛʜ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ ᴛʜɪs ᴀɴᴅ sʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴠɪɴᴄᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʀʏ. sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴇᴀʀɴɪɴɢ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴄᴀsʜ ɪɴ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ. ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇᴅ ᴍʏ ʟɪғᴇ.....➤➤ 𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗝𝗼𝗯𝟭.𝗰𝗼𝗺
Load More Replies... Rick Murray 1 month ago
Interacted with girls until I was 11. Went to boarding school. Very little interaction with girls, including on holidays (did I mention I'm an introvert?). When I left boarding school, interacted with 16 year old girls. They're *nothing* like 11 year olds, and oh my god the drama... decided to hell with this, stayed home like any good introvert should. Fast forward three and a half decades and, well... present day. And still single. Oh well, life is pretty uncomplicated. The biggest surprise is mundane stuff like "There's a *COW* peering in my living room window?". An electric fence failed about a kilometre away, the cows wandered off. One of them decided it liked my grass, and clearly also liked Avantasia, that I was listening to at the time. 🤘
Joe Publique 1 month ago
Disclaimer: Let's not forget that awful things can affect people in different ways, but most a*****s are a*****s regardless of their childhood. Not all a*****s were unloved kids, and not all unloved kids will become a*****s. The two are only loosely related when you factor in personal choice and accountability.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
Some very loving parents never explicitly stated it, but could always be counted on when youth groups needed adult volunteers or a living room to hold event. That sort of backing was another way of showing love.
Laserleader 1 month ago (edited)
One day as a child we are put down and never picked back up, for some touching a parent, sibling, neighbors, or school kid was met with anger, disgust, frustration, and annoyance from others, leading the child to believe any touch was "evil". Then you add some sexuaI a***e and the child feels repelled by others, leading to multiple phobias relating to socialization and human contact. These damaged people are the ones that really enjoyed 2020 and the 6 ft rule. It was heaven for us to have space.
ANGEL M 1 month ago
As a first child in a family, it was never said but once the others came along there was a very much you need to be more mature. Although I was only a few years older than my closest sibling, as soon as they came along it was grow up time and due to the youngest sibling having some drama issues it always felt I nothing that happened in my life anywhere matched any horror in their life's. So I didn't say anything kept it all in and that caused me to not want people with drama around me for my mental health. It takes a lot to feel accepted, that someone is wanting me and that in this world that I matter.
Earonn - 1 month ago
Not me, but a friend of mine grew up with a real, imperfect but loving family, and I can assure you - no, not all.
Load More Replies... Maren Villadsen 1 month ago
Tip toeing around, kot to be heard. Im 40 live alone and I still do that
Earonn - 1 month ago
A lot of me in this list, yeah. - But even more so, I wish I could make a friend of mine read this list. He's mentioned so often. Unfortunately, even if we were still at our closest, he never would. Poor him.
nicoleermintrude 1 month ago
I ɢᴇᴛ ᴘᴀɪᴅ ᴏᴠᴇʀ $120 ᴘᴇʀ ʜᴏᴜʀ ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ ғʀᴏᴍ ʜᴏᴍᴇ. I ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ɪ'ᴅ ʙᴇ ᴀʙʟᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴅᴏ ɪᴛ ʙᴜᴛ ᴍʏ ʙᴜᴅᴅʏ ᴍᴀᴋᴇs ᴏᴠᴇʀ $13,453 ᴀ ᴍᴏɴᴛʜ ᴅᴏɪɴɢ ᴛʜɪs ᴀɴᴅ sʜᴇ ᴄᴏɴᴠɪɴᴄᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴛʀʏ. sᴛᴀʀᴛ ᴇᴀʀɴɪɴɢ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ᴄᴀsʜ ɪɴ ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛɪᴍᴇ. ᴄʜᴀɴɢᴇᴅ ᴍʏ ʟɪғᴇ.....➤➤ 𝗟𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗝𝗼𝗯𝟭.𝗰𝗼𝗺
Load More Replies... Rick Murray 1 month ago
Interacted with girls until I was 11. Went to boarding school. Very little interaction with girls, including on holidays (did I mention I'm an introvert?). When I left boarding school, interacted with 16 year old girls. They're *nothing* like 11 year olds, and oh my god the drama... decided to hell with this, stayed home like any good introvert should. Fast forward three and a half decades and, well... present day. And still single. Oh well, life is pretty uncomplicated. The biggest surprise is mundane stuff like "There's a *COW* peering in my living room window?". An electric fence failed about a kilometre away, the cows wandered off. One of them decided it liked my grass, and clearly also liked Avantasia, that I was listening to at the time. 🤘
Joe Publique 1 month ago
Disclaimer: Let's not forget that awful things can affect people in different ways, but most a*****s are a*****s regardless of their childhood. Not all a*****s were unloved kids, and not all unloved kids will become a*****s. The two are only loosely related when you factor in personal choice and accountability.
Roberta Surprenant 1 month ago
Some very loving parents never explicitly stated it, but could always be counted on when youth groups needed adult volunteers or a living room to hold event. That sort of backing was another way of showing love.
Laserleader 1 month ago (edited)
One day as a child we are put down and never picked back up, for some touching a parent, sibling, neighbors, or school kid was met with anger, disgust, frustration, and annoyance from others, leading the child to believe any touch was "evil". Then you add some sexuaI a***e and the child feels repelled by others, leading to multiple phobias relating to socialization and human contact. These damaged people are the ones that really enjoyed 2020 and the 6 ft rule. It was heaven for us to have space.
ANGEL M 1 month ago
As a first child in a family, it was never said but once the others came along there was a very much you need to be more mature. Although I was only a few years older than my closest sibling, as soon as they came along it was grow up time and due to the youngest sibling having some drama issues it always felt I nothing that happened in my life anywhere matched any horror in their life's. So I didn't say anything kept it all in and that caused me to not want people with drama around me for my mental health. It takes a lot to feel accepted, that someone is wanting me and that in this world that I matter.
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