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30 People Share “Seemingly Harmless” Things Parents Do To Their Kids That Can Actually Have Serious Consequences
Each and every action has consequences that we can’t predict. Even the tiniest things can have a deep, long-lasting impact. Not just on us! On the people who we care about the most. And even the most seemingly harmless things that parents do can have some really serious consequences for their children’s lives.
That’s what Reddit users have been discussing after u/DL4MISH created a thread on r/AskReddit about these small, allegedly harmless things that some parents do. The discussion really took off: their question got a whopping 1.2k comments. Scroll down, have a read, and let us know which of these opinions you agree with, dear Pandas.
Each and every parent should do their best to provide a healthy, happy home for their children, however, they can sometimes lose sight of what's most important. For example, being overprotective can be just as bad as not being protective enough, and we shouldn't forget that our kids are individuals with their own unique needs.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about how to be a better parent and what pitfalls to avoid, so I reached out to author and child independence expert Lenore Skenazy, the president of Let Grow and the founder of the Free-Range Kids movement, as well as parenting blogger Samantha Scroggin, the founder of Walking Outside in Slippers. Scroll down for both in-depth interviews.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Not letting them have privacy. My mother never let me have absolutely anything private, she always searched absolutely everything for me and if she found something she didn't like, she humiliated me for it or threw it away without telling me anything. Now I am extremely possessive of my things and panic when someone looks in one of my drawers or anything like that. My partner thinks I don't trust him, but I just have an absolute trauma with anyone looking at my stuff and I feel ashamed and guilty for absolutely anything private that I have.
Burs 4 years ago
Right. My parents never knocked on the door in the 23y that I lived in their house. It’s not like I was doing anything wrong but I would like to change or nap without getting a heart attack anytime the door opened.
Bored Birgit 4 years ago
Same here, I mentioned the lack of privacy to my parents, and they argued, that I would not knock at their doors either, especially living room and kitchen.
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Random Panda 4 years ago
My grandmother used to clean my mom's room when she wasn't home, so my mom respected our privacy a lot. In turn my brother and were always very open about what was going on with us and my parents never worried. Being treated with trust and respect does that.
Karina 4 years ago
I know how you feel! Your mother is what psychologists call " narcissistic mother". My mother is like that and still does this to me. I'm 38 years old and there is nothing I can do about it now. This pandemic thing messed my life and I had to get back to her house. Sometimes I have a selfish behavior towards some situations that I know I shouldn't have. Well... I'm trying my best to get rid of of this behavior but it hasn't being easy. I hope you can recover yourself from this trauma. You deserve the best.
Theora Fifty-five Johnson 4 years ago
Oh. My Mom was like that. She'd give my stuff away to her friends for their kids or to a church sale. I have hoarding issues. Dots just connected.
Kobus Loots 4 years ago
This is true, my parents gave me all the necessary privacy. Now every time something good, bad, interesting or upsetting happens I immediately call them and tell them.
buttonpusher 4 years ago (edited)
I'm all for keeping kids safe online like filters, which I know aren't foolproof. But I talk to my kids about online safety and make sure they're comfortable enough talking to me. But they absolutely have privacy. And the great thing is if they do come across something inappropriate they tell me straight away. It's all about trust. I had none of that growing up. My dad actually had a program where he could take over my PC whenever he wanted. I never did anything wrong either but feeling under surveillance was unnerving. I'd understand if I was a "bad kid" but I was far from it.
According to Lenore, the founder of Let Grow, a nonprofit that promotes childhood independence and resilience, it is “not only hard for parents to figure out the exact right balance between too strict and too lenient, too prying and too hands-off—it's impossible.” So figuring out the right balance becomes a key issue.
“One thing many parents are choosing today is to keep their kids under constant surveillance, with the help of tech. Whether it’s being able to track their kids’ movements, read their browsing history, or even scan their texts, parents have all sorts of new tools to make them seemingly omniscient,” Lenore told Bored Panda that child surveillance has become a touchy issue in recent years with the advances in technology. However, this is a problem because kids need to have some privacy as well.
“For the same reason you didn’t want your parents to read your diary, or to build a treehouse on the branch right next to YOUR treehouse, children need some space to grow into their own person,” the child independence expert said. “Kids need to know they are loved, but they also need to know they are trusted. They can’t prove that if parents never actually let them do some things literally on their own, without constant surveillance.”
RELATED:
#2
Saying "you're so mature for your age"
No
I was a smart anxious child who learned quickly to please adults to stay out of trouble and I also had to raise my siblings and sometimes cousins ...
Most girls I know who were told this also had to deal with some type of adultification
Andy Acceber 4 years ago
Also, if you're a kid or teen reading this and ever have someone tell you "you're so mature for your age," run. That's a classic grooming technique. Adults know teenagers want to feel mature. Some may try to use that to prey on you. (Some may just be saying it. Still, that's not okay. You're a kid/teen. Be silly sometimes, be stupid sometimes. Don't worry too much about being mature.)
Kristal 4 years ago
Let me tell you, being called mature for my age while helping to raise my sibling, her being entrusted to my sole care while mother is at work, then turning around saying I'm not mature like an insult (when she was in one of her moods) is highly confusing as a teen.
Load More Replies... Philler Space 4 years ago
Wait, "maturity" ISN'T just another word for being anxious and assuming more work than you're expected or capable of doing? Then what the hell have I been doing all this time?!
OhForSmegSake 4 years ago
I wasn't mature for my age. I was an overly anxious child dealing with a violent out of older control sibling, a parent who was harsh on me and permissive to them and another parent who was losing their mind trying to keep the family from falling apart. I escaped into books and school and in my teens would disappear all day exploring the city so I wouldn't have to deal with my home life.
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago (edited)
That sounds really tough, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that :(
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GaeFrog 4 years ago
Maybe because you had just matured faster than many other kids your age instead of feeling like you had to be mature to please adults
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Kill-Bunny 4 years ago
My mother used a different manipulation technique. She did the exact opposite. She always said that my behavior is very childish and immature, ant that sometimes she's ashamed of me because of that. And that I have to act better. As a 35 year old looking back, I was way way too mature for my age... I used to take care of a bed ridden elderly great grandma since I were 5. I mean, she was almost immobile, I used to potty her, wipe her, bring her food, bring her medicine, comb hair and so on. to the point, that at the age of 10 I was able to to give her intramuscular drugs few times. Also, cleaning early Saturday in the morning was a must for me since I was 5 too. Looking back - she just forced me to be a low maintenance kid slave and when I refused to act as one (slave), she was calling me immature :/
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Wow, this is deja vu for me. I was 10 going on 20. Well, yes. I also had an ulcer at 8.
Gabriela Chico-Farias 4 years ago
OMG, "a smart anxious child". That hit very close to home TWICE! For me as a kid and now for my daughter. I am in therapy and so is she. I don't want to mess her up with overwhelming expectations like I was.
Edward Willis 4 years ago
For anyone wondering, this is not something exclusive to girls. Most people I know who have been told this are girls, but others, like me, aren't.
#3
Whenever I get a bad grade on something my parents always tell me that “I’m smarter than that” or “I’m not trying my best”. It doesn’t sound bad, but it has seriously messed me up, because I really am trying my best, but it just isn’t good enough. They think I’m smarter then I actually am, and it sucks because they have unrealistic expectations of me.
Janet C 4 years ago
Misguided "motivation" for sure. My mother always tried this crap with me. If I made an A, "Why didn't you get an A+?" If I made a B, "Are you trying to fail." It took decades for me to get over the drive to perfectionism and accept that sometimes "good enough" really is good enough.
Random Panda 4 years ago (edited)
My father was really terrible about grades with me, because he got straight A's in school. He did better with my little brother and apologised to me at some point, but this guinea pig had some lasting damage to work through.
Daria B 4 years ago (edited)
The best answer to a bad grade is a question, really. "What part is it that you find so hard? Let's work it out." Or something along these lines, really. I know, it takes lots of work, both for the parents and children, but it pays off. All that frustration turns worthy in the end, trust me, my parents were like this. They'd sit with each one of us and lose their patience sometimes, but they made sure we tried together.
Burs 4 years ago (edited)
My parents were so much like this. I used to have good grades but one year we got a terrible maths teacher. She basically skipped one course so we were 15-16 and she started teaching us things for high school (I know because her exams the next year were the same). Everybody except three of us in the class failed but my parents were still angry that I “only” got a 5. It broke me. At the end of the year with tons of effort I managed to get a 7 and was very proud but my father was still disappointed.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
That sucks. It sounds as if your parents didn't listen to you. In my high school, it was pretty much common knowledge that Mr. B__ was a terrible math teacher - half the class would fail. . My sister had him and despaired. My mother was pretty strict, but she would never have blamed her for flunking math that year. Luckily, my sister was put in the wrong level of another mandatory class - the school had to change the math class to put her in the right level. Sadly, not a solution for most and not every parent could afford a tutor.
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Lovin' Life 4 years ago
I have never belittle my children for their grades. I focus more on how I can help them.
Jan Olsen 4 years ago
"You can do better" seriously messed up my childhood. I grew up believing that no matter what I did, it would never be good enough
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
I've had to learn that sometimes "Perfectionism is the enemy of the good". When there's a deadline, focus on solving the immediate problem. If one only gets to "good enough", the client/boss/whoever may be quite satisfied. If they want more, they'll ask. This does not apply perfectly to every field (you can't half-ass saving a plane or a patient, but landing in a field and giving someone extra time with family may be perfect under the circumstances).
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What we shouldn’t be doing is treating our children as work-release felons by constantly tracking and monitoring them. “In the past, the only people we electronically tracked were felons on parole. They had to wear an ankle monitor that the warden could check to make sure they were where they were supposed to be. The felon knew that this was better than prison—but it wasn’t freedom,” Lenore explained.
Instead of surveilling their own kids all the time, parents could attempt Lenore’s approach of “talk, don’t stalk.” This approach leads to greater trust.
“Try to keep the lines of communication open with your kids, and gradually give them more freedom as they get older and earn it by being responsible. Taking all independence away for their ‘safety’ is a way to teach them that you don’t think they can handle anything on their own— how deflating!—and that you don’t trust them. Would you appreciate a spouse who tracked your every move? Would you feel trusted? Love requires some trust.”
#4
“You have it so easy, I wish I only had your problems.” Teaches kids that their problem are never good enough to struggle over. Makes them feel guilty when they need help with something.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
Everyone is entitled to how they feel. Just because someone is worse off, doesn't mean we don't have a right to our own feelings and struggles.
Julie C Rose 4 years ago
In addition, parents shouldn’t be putting their problems on their kids’ shoulders. What’s a kid supposed to do about their parent’s adult problems?
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Penny Fan 4 years ago
Oh yes can definitely relate! "There are poor children in [insert random country] who'd be glad of what you have" yeah thanks for that but that doesn't actually solve my crippling anxiety brought on by religious trauma, undiagnosed PTSD and ADHD...
Viviane 4 years ago
I hope you're getting support for that. As for the random country, how does the parent know what those children are getting or not getting? Some could be getting far more love and respect than you did. It can also make it sound as if love is conditional on suffering. Making children more aware of others' disadvantages can be a separate (and age-appropriate) conversation, but it's lousy to use it as a way to shut them down.
Load More Replies... AnnaBanana 4 years ago
Yes, this was my mother's response to the onset of my depression and bipolar almost 40 years ago.
Caro Caro 4 years ago
Ooof that's harsh. You ok now?, do you have therapy?
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Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
This! I was so pissed off when a woman I know posted on fb not too long ago, that if you have problems or issues you should take a reality check, because surely there's people out there going through much harder times, and I was just filled with rage because of that post. So many people told me over the years that my issues don't matter because others have it much worse, so it was super hard for me to go get help because I was scared that I'd be told just that once again. Heck, one psychiatrist actually said to me that I've done too well in life, so I don't really need help. I've dropped out of 5 schools and I've been homeless for a short period of time, and I have debt and there's many more issues that are the result of an untreated ADHD. Oh, and I was there to get diagnosed for ADHD so that I could finally get help and get my life in order, so that I could stop failing at everything.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
There are plenty of successful people who lost it all because of unresolved issues. It doesn't make sense to tell someone, "You're making good money and have a house and family. Come back when you've blown your good fortune on addictions/alienating others/self-sabotage, etc."
Load More Replies... KMill 4 years ago (edited)
This is so invalidating. What someone is going through might be hard - and just because you have a different experience doesn’t make theirs any more or less difficult. A friend was once venting about how difficult her pregnancy was and she stopped herself when she remembered that I had traumatically lost a baby once. I told her that she gets to talk about her difficulties with me because what she is going through is hard. Just because I lost a baby doesn’t mean her pregnancy wasn’t hard for her.
Monique Reed 4 years ago
Adults forget that when a child has problem, it literally CAN be the worst thing that has happened to them if their entire lives because their lives have been very short so far. Yes, parents have had a ton more to deal with, but their lives have been much longer and they have hopefully learned some skills for problem solving and coping. Parents forget kids don't have those.
Isaac Harvey 4 years ago
People might wish they could have a black belt like me. But then they would also have to deal with childhood brain cancer and epilepsy on top of college.
#5
Along with snooping, being overly strict. The children of really strict parents learn how to lie, steal, sneak out, all because their parents are so damn strict. It doesn't teach a child anything, except that they cannot trust their parents to have their back. Yes, you need to to have rules and boundaries with your kids, but you're not the gestapo, they're allowed to hand secrets!
My father built special boxes for all his grandkids, they're beautiful, and have special locks. For example, one is shaped like a piano, and to open it, you need to play the keys in a certain order. He can change this order if needs be, (there are over 1,000,000 possible combinations) and only he and the child know the combination. They are also designed that the child will know if someone has tried to open the box. Their Mum, my SIL, HATES this. She cannot stand that the kids can hide things from her, and has been trying for years to get my Dad to tell her the combination. (Sometimes he will just to shut her up, then immediately changes it. I don't know why she bothers!)
Thing was, he had zero privacy growing up, and knows how much he hated it, so made sure his grandkids didn't go through the same thing. Wish he'd done it for me, my mother has no concept of other people's privacy, and has no trouble even now going through my papers if she can. The result? I'm FABULOUS at hiding things!
Kids need to know they're trusted. Constantly treating then like the enemy will do nothing but make them the enemy!
Lauren Caswell 4 years ago
I don't go into my kids(11) room without knocking/asking, and if he's going to his dad's for the weekend I'll say 'is it ok if I grab the laundry from your room while you're away?' etc. I allow 'mess' per se, but I told him it just needs to be wiped down and vacuumed at least once a week, even if he moves his stuff then just puts it back after. And no food in there, but I've explained about why (hygeine/bugs etc, especially if he isn't cleaning/vacuuming regularly, so no food in room at this stage). I feel like it's reasonable, he can have locked boxes/drawers etc, but I'm still doubting myself now
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Sounds fine to me. You communicate clearly, including explanations and context. Doubts show you have a conscience. Being a little strict is fine. The good parents who are on the strict side tend to pick their battles and allow two-way communication. One of my in-laws is blunt with her kids, but they can respond. Sometimes they tease her back. Example: "Don't do drugs!" "Aaw, Maaaa, they're going to be legal soon, anyways." No, he did not do drugs (unless tea counts).
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Paul Davis 4 years ago
This post is about two different issues -- for the issue of overly strict parents, when you keep your kid locked up and allowed no freedom to explore anything for themselves or learn anything at all about the world, the day they finally get loose from their chains they're very likely to run out and end up in jail, hurt, or dead because they neither know how to handle the freedom to do what they want nor do they know how the world works.
Queen Jackson. 4 years ago
My mom would force us to tell her, no food, no school, no water, no nothing.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
What information was she after? The punishment makes her sound as if she was trying to break terrorists into talking about the next attack.
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Helen Haley 4 years ago
Got so tired of mom and sister reading my diary and everything I ever wrote, came up with my own 'language' as a kid. can still write in it.
Joseph OReilly 4 years ago
I wouldn't say my parents are chokingky strict, and they could certainly be much worse, but I feel this one a lot. I've been realising more and more recently how easy it is to lie to them, simp,y because I've been trained to do so out of necessity. Them punishing me for this or that has taught me how to instantly mix truth and lie to talk my way out of anything, instantly. Caging in your kids doesn't teach them to behave, it teaches them to get out.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
My mom trusted us (within reason). My dad, no. Guess which parent we lied to?
#6
Not getting help for their own traumas. They pass it to their kids
Firstname Lastname 4 years ago
Can confirm. My mother looked for help in her trauma through me and tried to use me as her therapist when I was just a child.
Caro Caro 4 years ago
That's horrible Firstname Lastname. Does she have therapy now? and what about you?
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Mazer 4 years ago
I would like to say that just recognizing a trauma is a monumental task for many people, to survive, people employ coping mechanisms. They may be dysfunctional but in many cases they kept that person from losing it completely. Working on the self can be very difficult, it takes tremendous courage. In a perfect world we would not have abused at all, but we do. In many cases people are doing all they can just to get by. I make no allowances for the cycle of abuse, but I do recognize that some people just cant get there.
Viviane 4 years ago
Sometimes they're too damaged. In other cases, they could work on it. The value of posts like these and added comments is that some people realize that they've been gaslit and the parent's behaviour is a form of abuse. Someone in their early teens had their eyes opened by this information. Not very much they can do when they're dependent, but the knowledge makes them aware they have rights and can prompt them to be less dependent on that parent for validation.
Load More Replies... Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Agreed. Mass abuse outside of war, too. In Canada, residential schools for indigenous children have caused enormous trauma, then passed on to the next generation.
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LeilaOdinis 4 years ago
I was a referee in my parents' marriage. I shudder at the thought of treating any kid the way she did to me. I have been in therapy for years.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
My family blithely ignored their stuff and referred to me as "the crazy one" for daring to go to counseling. It was so fun being the family scapegoat. Well, that's over now!
Misty-Dawn Amayi 3 years ago
Can also confirm. My parents somehow survived their respective hellish formative years, and when they managed to become self-made award-winning wealthy in young adult years, this convinced them that they were as functional as they needed to be. So wrong. Both ended up in too-early graves with four marriages and divorces apiece, dying from the side-effects of their respective vices, zero friends, and in deep debt and even deeper trouble with the law. Maybe they deserve your pity, but they *enjoyed* destroying other people, or in the very least, smiled and shrugged when getting what they wanted meant utterly ruining someone else. Both went to their respective graves with no apologies or remorse for anything they did, and confident that the consequences of their actions were for other people to own. I couldn't afford therapy until I was in my late thirties, but I would take on nearly a decade of behavioral and cognitive rehabilitation. My life is the opposite of my parent's. No regrets.
LeilaOdinis 4 years ago
Her generational trauma compounded my traumas as a child. I carry the scars to this day, and she believes she is the perfect parent. I was the one who was needed help, not her. Yes, we don't talk.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
Just the fact that you're aware of the possibility is a good thing! You're not *deliberately* passing it on-- that counts for a LOT. Go you!
Load More Replies...Meanwhile, blogger Samantha, who runs Walking Outside in Slippers, told Bored Panda how she approaches parenting and the importance of seeing each child as an individual. What works for someone else’s child might not be what your own kid needs.
“I am trying to do more to meet my kids where they’re at, figuring in their personality and what their needs are for them personally. In the past, I would sometimes assume that I knew what was best for my kids, based on what the ‘average’ kid ‘should’ need or want. But kids can be so different, even within the same family,” Samantha explained to Bored Panda.
#7
Not seeing them as individuals and not listening to them. seriously, listen to that mini-person that you literally brought into the world. Of course, their problems will be different than yours & adult problems but that doesn't mean that it is manageable for them. You basically making them believe that they are insignificant which will haunt them for the rest of their lives.
Kanuli 4 years ago
90% of parents seem not to get this. On top: they seem to have completely (!!!) forgotten how it was to be a child themselves!
Isaac Harvey 4 years ago
And they don’t seem to realize just how much worse our childhoods are.
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TTorrest Author 4 years ago
“Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ― Catherine M. Wallace
Claire Elizabeth 4 years ago
As a teen, my parents are very good at listening to me, but a lot of adults I know just think it's okay to interrupt me if they aren't interested in what I have to say or have something to add. It's so immature, and every time I meet someone who actually listens to me, I make sure to thank them.
Viviane 4 years ago
I joke "That was my TED talk!" to my boss because I get side-tracked at our meetings. I tend to listen more to children and teenagers, partly because I'm curious about their lives (very different from when I was growing up) and partly because I don't want to sound like a know-it-all fart.
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Jesse Ferland 4 years ago
A lot of adults seem to think there's nothing you can learn from kids/teens. They can teach us a lot if we just listen.
Viviane 4 years ago
For one thing, times change. I had a great conversation with boy who has ADHD and learning disabilities. He explained his medication ("I'm a jerk if I don't take it") and how his teacher encourages his speaking and presentation skills. Very different from my school days. I'm really happy for him and impressed by his self-knowledge.
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Collette Moisan 4 years ago
My mother would tell me that I was stupid, if I told her what was bothering me. Thennone time I told her No, because she would tell me I am stupid. So I told her, guess what, she told me I was stupid. I did not cry or miss her when she passed away.
Tina Hugh 4 years ago
Oh yeah, get unreasonably angry at one child and therefore scream insults at all the children. Make the insults personal and make it clear that you hate them as you are raging. "That goddamn person" and "bitch" are great nicknames. There's no minimum age for this, but when she enters puberty be sure to add that she's a s**t and a whore
#8
Tell them they can't play with a toy because it's for the opposite sex.
Andy Acceber 4 years ago
Since the 90s, it's become much more acceptable for girls to play with dolls AND trucks, but even today, it's frowned on for boys to play with dolls. Misogyny is nuts. If you want caring, nuturing adult men to exist in society (and we all do), let little boys play with toys that foster caring and nuturing skills.
StrawberryParfait 4 years ago
It was completely fine for kids to play with all toys in the 70s. It was a different time, and kids were indeed "free to be me". Sesame Street really came of age during this era, and the message there was about learning, acceptance of others who may be different, and just having fun being a kid.
Load More Replies... Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
Yeah, I wanted to have legos, but I was told that they were for boys :(
BoopBoop 4 years ago
What?? Do you snap them together with your penis? Thats absurd.
Load More Replies... StrawberryParfait 4 years ago
In the 70s we played with everything. Dolls, toy cars, toy kitchens, toy golf clubs--climbed trees, went on hikes to collect bugs and caterpillers, rode bikes, played with Lego and Tinker toys--you name it, both little girls and boys played with it. Little boys looked like the little girls, and vice versa. We wore clothes that weren't "gendered" up with ridiculous pink or glitter, and sometimes you weren't even sure if who you were playing with was a boy or a girl, and had to ask, just out of curiousity. It was a great time to be a kid. Pink is just a color, and it does not mean "girl' anything. Gender ruins everything, and means absolutely nothing.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
This bugs me. When I was little, the *only* play-medical kit bags were miniature play versions of real ones (minus blades!). So they ahd no gender. I loved my toy truck. It was orange. Why did everything have to be pink/girl blue/boy? Toys are toys. Let kids be people and do their thing.
Goth mouse (they/them) 4 years ago
Im so glad i never had this, i loved my little ponies as well as lego dinosaurs and dragons, i had a dolls house too although it did have dinosaurs living in it instead of dolls 😂
Toujin C'Thlu 4 years ago
That sounds like something I did as a kid. I had dinosaurs, animals, ponies, and dolls. I was always coming up with adventures for them to go on.
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Kanuli 4 years ago
Wrote a big ass text...couldn’t send yet...site reloaded... Long story short: my quite homo-/transphobic father let me play with Barbie np and didn’t make fun or anything. Just occasionally asked if I was gay.
Jessica Gunn 4 years ago
For the life of me, I can't understand why a parent would think a child is gay for playing with toys that were marketed for the opposite sex. Like, how does that indicate one's sexual preference? Wouldn't it make, at least, a little sense that a hetero male to want to have/play with a Barbie? Honestly curious here to what others think of this....
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Burs 4 years ago
Yeah or forcing them gendered things or hobbies since they are born. My nephew is like 6m old and his dad brings him to every football match and dresses him with the uniform, his first match was like when he was a few days old (from home). It is ok to share your hobbies but not forcing them. If he ever pretends that “boys like naturally football” I will smack him in the face
Jessica Gunn 4 years ago
Perhaps he hopes his son will share in his interests. Hopefully when his son gets older, and expresses his dislike for the sport, Dad will accept that.
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Groundcontroltomajortom 4 years ago
My daughter has always played with cars, dinosaurs and superheroes. Only now that she's at school is she buying into the gender stereotypes because the other girls are into girly things
InsignificantFeline 4 years ago
And then I became transgender. F**k you bitches (the people who put toys into gender groups)
#9
Force them (especially little girls) to hug or kiss people when they don't want to. This establishes lack of ownership in their own body, the inability to say no to unwanted touch, and teaches them it is their job to make others feel comfortable at the expense of their own comfort.
Also praising them for being smart instead of hardworking. This leads to kids coasting on their intelligence then peaking and failing because they don't have practice and habits of working hard at something challenging. I see this a lot with gifted kids who are completely lost once they go to college or get a job.
Having an overly close relationship, venting to them about your problems, and using them for emotional support. If you want to learn more, Google "emotional incest".
Paul Davis 4 years ago
Also it seems that if you're harping on a kid's intelligence, they actually become afraid to do things because they feel if they fail it will mean they're stupid. The best is to promote a kid's hard work -- which means bonus points for trying things out.
Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
1. I think there's something else missing from your upbringing if this is bothersome. I also was 'forced' to kiss aunt and uncles and get hugs from grandparents and all, but I was also taught as I grew older that no means no, that I don't have to let boys kiss me if I don't want it, etc. I've never had a problem with this. 2. How do you distinguish between intelligence and hard work? If you get As without hard work, how would they know? 3. Not sharing problems and emotions makes for emotionally stunted people, who can't solve their problems and don't understand that other people have them too. I agree you shouldn't use your kids as therapists, but you shouldn't shelter them from the problems you have, and emotions, either. Also, don't just dump problems, always add solutions or vent problems that they can actually help with. If it's a problem that makes the kid just worry and unable to help, don't share it.
RedMarbles 4 years ago
Regarding 2, apparently this is the difference between a "growth mindset" and a "fixed mindset" and there are significant developmental consequences to which you encourage. If you encourage a fixed mindset by praising children for being smart, the child believes that being smart is what is valuable about themselves and when they inevitably find something to be difficult, they'll feel that it means they aren't smart because it shouldn't be hard if they're so smart. This lowers self esteem and creates fear of trying due to fear of failing and being proven to be not smart and therefore not valuable. If you encourage a growth mindset by praising the effort, children learn that the value is in the effort, not on how smart they are. Those kids will not fear trying and even failing because it's the trying that gives them value and self esteem.
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Jackie Nettleton 4 years ago
I have a niece and when I see her I always ask if I can have a hug and a kiss and if she says no, which she does to everyone but granddad as he’s her favourite, I let it go and if she does say yes and she’s sitting on my lap she will say I want to get down now and that’s fine. We know that when we do get hugs and kisses it’s because she wants to and it’s a special thing for us. She is 3 years old and she knows what consent is and will never be unsure of her boundaries
Heather Evans 4 years ago
I had this smart kid syndrome. All through school As came like breathing. I came to realize that the thing I never learned in school was to "apply myself"
Auntriarch 4 years ago
True. I was in university before I learned how to learn
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Rage of Aquarius 4 years ago
Gave me haphephobia, always being forced into hugs and kisses. And it's a hard thing to get over. There are 4 people in the world I feel comfortable hugging, and even then it's a challenge, especially when I need it.
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago (edited)
The overly close relationship. My ex's oldest (f18) was WAY too involved in his personal life. After his divorce she became the surrogate wife, cooking/cleaning/shopping, I think she even paid the household bills. Enter Moi. I had a huge house that could easily accommodate our combined family of six kids. No, the Brady Bunch we were not. So this girl seems to think she's going to run MY house. No, kid that's not how it works. You will have chores, but this is my house and I'm in charge. She was also used to just taking and using whatever of her Dad's without bothering to ask. She was getting ready to go out one night wearing my new sweatshirt. I asked her where she got it & she said it was on the laundry table. And I was like, "so even though it's not yours, you thought it was perfectly okay to just TAKE it? You can take it - off. And don't ever take my things without permission again." Yeah, we had issues. I was thrilled when she said she was moving in with her boyfriend.
Stephanie Barr 4 years ago
Agree with the first. On the second, there's nothing wrong with agreeing your children are intelligent (as long as you treat them as such instead of dismissing their actual opinions). I don't see why smart kids can't be praised for the smarts as well as good habits. When I was in college (and a smart cookie), I did see a good dozen smart kids fail spectacularly, but it was always because they had had parents micromanaging them growing up, making them do homework, pushing them constantly, so, when they lost the supervision, they failed. My daughter (who graduated suma cum laude) was smart but I didn't hound her. I told her, if it mattered to her to go to college, she would have to develop the skills that worked for her and that it had to matter to HER enough to do it. My wanting it wouldn't be enough. So she did, though there were some tough times in middle and high school. Especially with her father who constant reminded her she wasn't smart. I can see three, but it can go too far.
Random Anon 4 years ago
Yeah the smart thing is kind of disingenuous. I remember getting the obsessive comment and also the smart comment. You would put two and two together and figure out it's the obsession that contributed to success wouldn't ya?
Samantha opened up just how different her children are despite growing up in the same household. “My 6-year-old daughter, for example, is very organized and a bit of a perfectionist. She also needs lots of attention and affection. While my 10-year-old son is a sometimes wild but also very sensitive and artistic soul. He needs his space. They are night and day,” she said.
“I have learned I need to adapt my expectations of them and goals for them based on their individual personalities and quirks. I can create space for them to be who they are, and I believe this acceptance and customized attention will benefit them in the long run as they develop into teens and then adults.”
#10
When they make fun of their kids to get a laugh out of friends / family at dinner and stuff. Really has a horrible effect on children. Thankfully never happened to me though.
Ren Karlej 4 years ago
Happened to me. My father would make jokes about me to my sisters. I heard him talking about me to them as well. I was just a child and he is bitching about me to my older, also a child, sister. Taught her it is okay to be snide about people, so that's lovely as well.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Sympathy to you. My sis was 9 when she declared I, at 4, had "destroyed her life" by existing. Guess where sh e learned it?
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Saint Thomas 4 years ago
When I was a kid, an uncle would make fun of his daughter because she had protruding ears. In front of all the other cousins. Even then, as a kid, I found it profundly wrong and shocking. And then he was opposed to her asking for plastic surgery when she became a teen, after being the one responsible for her complex...
Jessica Gunn 4 years ago
Ugh, my Mom had a friend over one evening (was friends with both parents, although I think he had a thing for my mom) and I was telling them about a story I wrote (I was 10 or 11), and he made fun of it a bit, and laughed and looked at my mom. I don't remember my mom agreeing with him (because she wouldn't have) and I'll always remember it, and I *really* disliked him him after that, and I told my parent so. It was a jerk thing to do, and it made me feel so small about a story I was proud of
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago (edited)
My grandmother on my Mom's side was an evil witch of a woman. I was always chubby (but adorable!) and she never let me forget it. Things like "Here's our little fat girl!". We had to go to Sunday dinners all the time & I hated it. She'd make the world's worst pot roast and mashed potatoes, but serve me a salad. Not even a salad, really - just some lettuce with maybe some tomato and radishes. I quit going at about age 12. When I did see her again (about 28 at my Uncle's wedding) she asked why I never came to visit anymore. I told her straight up that she was a mean, nasty bitch and I only ever came over because I was forced to. She was really rude to me even before I said that. Come to find out the fact I had lost weight and looked incredible really pissed her off. Toxic crone.
Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
I'll probably never forget this one time when my mom was standing in a circle with her friends, she sees me, points at me and start laughing, and then her friends join in to laugh at me. In the store where they all worked. She'd also gossip all of my stuff to her friends as a kid, I know because I heard her on the phone many times. I developed social anxiety as a kid, and sometimes my parents and my sister would make fun of me when I was expressing my social anxiety when people were trying to force me into social situations that made me uncomfortable. On some occasions I'd get yelled at instead.
Viviane 4 years ago
Wow, that's abuse. Some families make one kid the target, which is a horrible thing to do. If that kid isn't around, someone else might get bullied. I hope you stay away from them. Since they validate each other's bad behaviour, they're likely a lost cause.
Load More Replies... KMill 4 years ago (edited)
Yeah - I remember being laughed at. Kids remember this and it will impact your relationship forever. I’m not close with those family members who laughed at me as a child. They are the last people I would share a story or new idea with. And it’s sad because we are family and still love each other, but I just don’t trust them to respect me and not laugh at me.
Cecily Holland 4 years ago
My mother use family dinners to list why I wasn’t good enough, what mistakes I’d made and how stupid I was
1.21Gigawatts?! 3 years ago
Literally like a week ago my mom commented that I don’t like electric toothbrushes because it forces me to brush my teeth properly and then had the audacity to say “Why are you looking at me like that?” Like she didn’t just F*****G INSULT ME! And she’s why I’m insecure about my teeth and don’t show teeth in photos
PixxelDust 4 years ago (edited)
My dad has done this when he thinks I'm not listening. Ironically, he jokes about how I'm completely unaware of my surroundings when I have my earbuds in. I can hear you, dad. Through my f***ing earbuds.
#11
Benign neglect. My therapist informed me this is not “benign”. I guess this is the opposite of the helicopter parent. While my mom made sure we were fed and healthy, she also didn’t do much to connect with me one on one. I forgive her because honestly she had a lot on her plate with six kids including one that was seriously ADHD, but it was still damaging.
Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
Having six kids is no excuse. She should've thought about that before the excessive breeding.
Monday 4 years ago
Ever consider that she did? She could have had an amazing job that awarded her lots of time off to spend with her kids and an amazing partner that helped out around the house and spent an equal amount of time with the kids. They could have handled 6 kids with ease and that's why they had 6 kids. But then things changed. Maybe that awesome job wasn't so awesome anymore and now hours were long. Maybe that partner suddenly had to work doubles or triples because the economy went to s**t. People like you are quick to judge based on the current situation, as if the people in the story were supposed to be able to predict the future or something.
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Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
My one relative was described thus: "She had children, but she didn't raise them, they just grew."
Kendra Miller 4 years ago
My dad is a farmer, and my mom is the breadwinner. She had to care for the three of us kids, cook, clean, etc. My dad had a relationship with my brothers because they had to help out on the farm. By the time he came home he didn't want to listen to a kid. He just wanted to fall asleep listening to the news. My mom was exhausted from having to do everything and would disappear to her bedroom to relax and sleep. I grew up unable to have a conversation because I literally had nobody to practice with. My family ignored me and I had no friends. I still struggle, but I've vastly improved through volunteering and work. That's part of why I'm here, to practice communicating with other humans. Speaking of which, Hi, I hope you are doing well stranger :)
Tami 4 years ago
Similar situation here, where my folks owned a restaurant and were so busy with it that they never really connected with us. So I never learned that human interactions and affection were a source of comfort and pleasure. Plus I had to work at the restaurant on weekends, which further separated me from possible frienships. But now here we are, so hello there, and let's keep working on opening ourselves up!
Load More Replies... Bel 4 years ago
I'm saddened to see the amount of judgement in these comments from strangers who know nothing about this situation or this mother. I'm not in any way denying the child's feelings, but the world would be a better place if people defaulted to compassion instead of judgement and condemnation.
Marnie 4 years ago
You don't believe in climate change? You don't think that there is nothing that will harm humanity and the ecosystem more than climate change? If you know those things, you will understand that judging someone for an extreme excess such as having 6 children might be one of the few things we are very definitely allowed to judge. Overpopulation is one of the main causes of climate change and species extinctions. There is zero excuse for birthing 6 children in a developed country with birth control these days.
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Natalie Williams 4 years ago
That's often the hard part for me. I understand why my mother was the way she was... so, forgivable maybe, but it was still damaging.
Marie 4 years ago
Same family here. Except ALL of us had ADD or ADHD along with a host of other learning disabilities. I was the middle and raised my younger sisters. I still struggle with asking for help because my parents could NEVER help me because others were doing worse stuff. Invisible, traumatized, accused of stealing sisters by own mother, suicidal, and they never noticed. Mom is still shocked when I say anything about my childhood.
Rage of Aquarius 4 years ago
Agreed. My mum is always taking on new projects and between her MS and her compulsion to keep changing and improving the house, we haven't spoken for more than a minute in weeks. We even made an appointment to hang out and watch the latest episode of SNL, but she blew me off because she was tired of the wallpaper in the laundry room.
LeilaOdinis 4 years ago (edited)
Me too. I was off on my own a lot as a kid. When I was home, I was out in my Dad's work shop avoiding her at any cost so she wasn't yelling at the both of us. Dad died three years ago, and I have never felt so isolated.
Wreathy 4 years ago
This is what my partner experienced. He's only recently been diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia at 28. He was the quiet kind of expressive with his ADHD, and just withdrew. Psychiatrist said he'd never had enough emotional, intellectual or social stimulation to learn how to challenge or critically think. I'm very patient and very understanding, helping him learn how to challenge and think about things a different way. For instance, he said he hated all vegetables except for corn, peas and carrots - because that's all he ever had. It wasn't stubborness. His brain couldn't take the step to simply..try new things. He loves most veges now. His mother is lovely, but the home environment when we visit is just..stifled and silent. Benign neglect is a real thing.
RandomBeing 4 years ago
Idk if I like it or hate it but it's always so weird to see the word ADHD used like that.
#12
Tricking / pranking them. I've seen a few videos of Christmas or birthdays where parents have given their kid something like a PlayStation 5 box which doesn't have one in. It doesn't matter if they pull one out from behind the sofa after a few seconds of confusion, tears and anger, they've taught their kid a powerful lesson about their relationship. There's no way that's not going to come back to hurt everyone later on.
Monday 4 years ago
My parents did the opposite. I'd get gifts I really wanted in weird boxes, like the year I got an mp3 player (I'm old) in the box of a scale. Personally I found these very enjoyable. Same with how my dad used to barricade my bedroom door shut for a laugh or tie me and my friends together with duct tape. We enjoyed it. It's all about each specific kid. Don't prank the kids that dislike it but go ham with the kids that do like it.
Ellie Rosser 4 years ago
And wtf with VIDEO of your stupid cruel prank. You either are so indifferent to,your child or so ignorant of how mean it was that you want photographic evidence? AND you post it so strangers can watch. Something seriously wrong with those parents.
Lynne Harbison 4 years ago
Teasing a child is a form of bullying. Then laughing about it...the child thinks you are laughing AT them. 😡
HorrorEyeArcade 4 years ago
not too bad but it reminds me of the time my parents froze the milk i was going to drink beforehand on april fools day. they got me some better milk but i was like, 5 and really really pissed. luckily after they noticed how upset i was they never did something like that again
Mazer 4 years ago
It teaches kids they can not trust their parents, and that usually gets transferred to adults in general. Cruelty is cruelty, be it calling someone a Karen, a Snowflake of other derogatory name, self justified or not, it is rarely warranted and the damage can make someone’s struggled worse
Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
Yup, pranks are bad. It teaches a kid that you can't even trust your parents. They'll be less exited and weary of new gifts, because it might not be what it seems. And who knows if next time it really won't be there at all? No, don't ever do this.
Kendra Miller 4 years ago
We got cereal or oatmeal, which had clothing or something stuffed inside. It's become a running home, but I do still remember my gullible self being disappointed in getting oatmeal.
BrookieTheWookie 4 years ago
My dad got me a bb gun, but he made the package look like a guitar *note I did not ask for one and I did want a bb gun
Lenore, the president of Let Grow, previously explained to Bored Panda that our “catastrophizing culture” has made a lot of parents anxious and scared.
As a result, plenty of adults don’t want their kids doing much of, well, anything. They become overprotective and even overbearing because they’re scared for their children’s safety.
“The result is not safety, it’s anxiety—kids who absorbed the message that everything is too much for them to handle. When you’re anxious, a simple slip-up doesn’t seem so simple. It seems huge—even life-threatening. How can you avoid those awful threats? That part is simple. You avoid doing anything,” Lenore explained how some parents think.
#13
If parents are divorced, unless the other parent is a legit horrible person, talking really bad stuff about the other parent in front of the other child
Rei 4 years ago
I would say even if the other person is horrible you still shouldn't talk bad about him/her in front of your children. Its an adult topic. If the child talks bad about him/her be there listening and expressing to them you understand their negative feelings.
Helena Houzarová 4 years ago
If the other parent is so horrible that they can't go see him (and may need to actively avoid him in public), then I think the children need to be told about it. And also be told that this is an adult problem that they didn't cause and can't solve on their own; children do tend to believe every bad thing that happens is their fault somehow.
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Paul Davis 4 years ago
Should remember that a kid's parent is a part of them -- by saying the other parent is horrible is equivalent to saying the kid is bad.
Scarlett Fox 4 years ago
This is one thing I will always admire my uncle for. Even though his ex cheated on him and drained their accounts, he explicitly told my mom & grandma not to talk bad about his ex in front of my cousins - not even in Italian (which none of us kids understand) - because her name would still be the same in whatever language they were speaking and my cousins would know something bad was being said even without understand what.
Rage of Aquarius 4 years ago
This is what my best friend's dad did. He and her stepmom gaslit her into cutting off contact with her mother entirely, then they took full custody and moved her away. I stood with her poor mum, so they poisoned her against me too. We were best friends, and now we're nothing because of those controlling assholes.
Theora Fifty-five Johnson 4 years ago (edited)
My ex- does this, has poisoned my relationship with my adult son. Breaks my heart. My son has mental health issues and would benefit from having a relationship with me, but his Dad tells him everything is my fault.
Verena Abt 4 years ago
My other half abused and threatened me and wanted me to have an abortion. I kept my daughter and being a single mum is very hard. Of course he didn't pick her up nor did I get any money. Now she's 21, and her dad is her hero because he's had a career and money. She even accused me of not having her aborted. It was selfish of me to keep her when he wanted an abortion. The worst thing of all: I still have to be a saint and keep my mouth shut, because you should not say bad things about the other parent!
Verena Abt 3 years ago
Very, very hard. Especially if the other parent is talking really bad stuff about you.
Mark Kelly 4 years ago
Even if they are horrible don't rant on about it. Only if you suspect they are manipulating your kid then phone a social worker.
#14
"There is no such thing as mental illness, it's just weakness." I needed help as a teen and did not get. I felt so guilty seeking help as an adult. I have bipolar disorder, still sometimes feel guilty for being medicated though I am now in my forties.
Penny Fan 4 years ago
I can go better than that "there's no such thing as mental illness, it's just SIN". Strange how it wasn't a sin when one of my parents suffered a debilitating mental health crisis and how quickly it became "a chemical imbalance but you don't have it so don't go thinking you do"
HorrorEyeArcade 4 years ago
say it with me. MENTAL HEALTH IS JUST AS IMPORTANT AS PHYSICAL HEALTH
Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
My parents used to ask "why can't you just be normal?" "why can't you be like the other girls your age" and they'd try to guilt me by saying stuff like "other girls your age can keep their rooms clean" "other girls your age don't lose their things" etc. and I was expected to just magically be a better person. Turns out I had ADHD and that's why I was the way I was. Nobody thought to get me assessed for it, or anything else for that matter, when I was a kid.
Groundcontroltomajortom 4 years ago
I have borderline personality disorder and my parents just thought I was a horrible teen. I was really really struggling but everyone kept saying I would grow out of it/it was a phase, I didn't get officially diagnosed till I was 29 and I'm 6 years in trying to work through all the trauma I experienced and the bad parenting! My mum STILL doesn't get it.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
My mother insisted that I couldn't have depression because my symptoms were different from hers. So I distanced myself from her while getting help.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Ten thousand upvotes. If we could all just get better by smiling or going for a walk.... we would. It's not weakness. It's an illness. Chronic and sometimes debilitating and always lurking.
AP 4 years ago
I have bipolar and my family would tell me to just be happy (like I could switch it off or something) my sister especially would brush it off saying things like "well it could be worse/others have it worse off, get over it". This resulted in me hiding everything from them and not feeling like I could talk to anyone. I feel quite alone.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Are you getting support elsewhere for it? No shame in medication. Therapy and support groups can help with coping. I take anti-depressants and go to therapy when I need it. The therapy doesn't cure depression, but it helps me with other issues that exacerbate anxiety and depression. There are online groups, too, if Covid is an issue and you can't afford therapy. You feel alone within your family, but you don't have to be alone elsewhere. You're talking here, so that's a good start.
Load More Replies... BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
Twice as bad if you need professional help because of bullshit THEY laid on you. Great mindfuck, yeah?
#15
Destroy a sense of confidence through constant criticism.
Pezor Zass 4 years ago
Absolutely. My dad is incapable of experiencing anything without critiquing it and seems to think that his way of doing things is the only sensible way. after all, he thought about it, tried things out, found the best way, so why would anyone do anything differently? they're just being stubborn. he's in his 70s now and still has this attitude. I'd feel more sorry for him if he didn't make me feel like nothing i did was good enough my entire life.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Your father sounds like a bitter life-long broken record. Can you reduce contact with him and get validation elsewhere? My father went through a 1-year phase of criticizing my career choice. It hurt my feelings because he acted so angry. Eventually, I detached emotionally, then I started telling him what to do with his life. Taste of his own medicine cooled his jets. My boss, colleagues and clients have more say in my work.
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HorrorEyeArcade 4 years ago
she's trying to be better, but kinda makes me think of my mom getting on my ass for getting an 82% in science
Verena Abt 3 years ago
I finally landed by dream job after many, many years of trying. My mother: Don't you think you're a bit clumsy for that?
Flabuless-Jaye 4 years ago
If I was proud of some achievement I was told to "stop showing off" or "you're getting too big for your boots". Wonder why I have crippling lack of self confidence.
According to Lenore, this leads to children being far more passive and timid than they should be. “Everyday life is seen as filled with risk” for them, even if they’re objectively completely safe.
Lenore was very straightforward about the fact that this passivity is not making children happier. When they’re kept snug deep inside their comfort zones, they start to think that this is all that life has to offer. What’s more, they have a limited understanding of their own capabilities, thinking that they can’t do much of anything.
However, authority figures like teachers can help kids become more independent and to help both them and their parents leave their comfort zones. Sometimes, it takes someone from the outside to give a helping hand at the right moment to make you realize something needs to change.
#16
I think alot of parents cause food/weight issues unintentionally. And that is something I have personally taken very seriously as a parent. Creating a healthy relationship with food.
Burs 4 years ago
Or grandparents. My grandmas always forced us to eat way too much (and I always liked eating) but at the same time always shamed me for being “fat”. I was in the middle of the healthy bmi unlike my underweight sister but that’s fat I guess.
KMill 4 years ago (edited)
Same here - at Gram’s table (after everyone had taken a helping and was nearly finished) it was always “what can I pass you?” And then she’d be offended if you didn’t take a second helping of anything. But still always got reminded later that I need to start watching my weight, or told my clothes were no longer flattering on me. … how many calories in a side dish of steaming hot guilt?
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Hermione 4 years ago (edited)
Agree. Observed a mother encourage her daughter to diet often throughout her teenaged years, yo-yo dieting on all the latest fads. She ended up an adult with weight issues.
AnnaBanana 4 years ago
Yes, my mother was the same. I developed anorexia at high school, then bulimia later on. And when I left home, I went crazy eating all the stuff that I "wasn't supposed to eat" and basically developed a binge eating disorder! Words can have such a profound effect.
Load More Replies... Jessica Gunn 4 years ago
This was me for my entire childhood through to teen years AND adulthood. Comments like "you have such a pretty face, you just needs to lose a little weight/ you're just a big girl" or teaching me how to calorie count and "eat right" came from immediate AND extended family. This made me have a negative body image and yo-yo diet for my whole life. Love your kids for who they are. That being said, try to feed and teach your kids about healthy foods, just don't ever suggest that they're fat, at least not during childhood.
Viviane 4 years ago
The "pretty face" one is such a cliche! If someone's face was average, they still wouldn't be spared from the pressure to lose weight from judgmental family.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Oh, my dad did it on purpose. I have no doubts. Weight and size were part of his control over us. Food was part of it. I've never become anorexic, but mostly because of twothings. 1. I really can't resist chocolate or cheese. and 2. If I slip over the line, that SOB wins. And he doesn't get to win from beyond the grave. (Yes, my therapist finds that mildly unhealthy, but less unhealthy than anorexia.)
Tami 4 years ago
My parents ended up caring for their grandaughter from about age 2-6, and most of their activities with her centered around food. When she was 11 they took her on a cruise, where she gained so much weight she had to borrow a pair of gramma's sweatpants for the trip home. They thought it was funny. Poor kid has been obese most of her life.
Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
Yup! My mom was almost always on a diet, but still we didn't really eat healthy food tbh. We mostly had potatoes with meat and sauce, sometimes the meat was in the sauce. Sometimes we had fish, sure. We didn't have chicken very often and it usually tasted weird. We didn't have cooked veggies, like broccoli for example. Ever. Sometimes there was grated carrots. Maybe once a week we'd have salad with dinner, and me and my sister would fight over it, because we loved salad. I had a lot of hidden candy back then. When we had fruits in the house I'd get nagged at for eating them too fast, and then we'd get nagged at if fruits went bad.
PixxelDust 4 years ago
I'm really glad I don't have this problem. My mum never allowed scales in her house, as she was more focused on physical health through exercise and decent food than weight itself. Thank you so much, mum. (/g)
Cecily Holland 4 years ago
Yes. This. My mother was angry that at 15 and as a growing teen that my weight went above 60kg and I wasn’t as light as the Jockeys that rode her racehorses for track work and she didn’t want to pay them. She restricted and placed food intake, held weigh ins every day and when I developed a severe eating disorder I was just trying to get attention
#17
Bulldoze parenting. Which in my opinion is worse than helicopter parenting. For those who don’t know; bulldozer parenting is when you essentially remove every obstacle your child faces out of fear of them getting hurt, discouraged, down on themselves, or failing at something.
As a parent of 4, it’s extremely hard to not do this because it breaks your heart watching them hurt. However, it makes them stronger and is way better.
Andy Acceber 4 years ago
I nannied a 12-year-old autistic boy who I adored. His mom was one of those. One day, he was on the playground and started to play improperly on a piece of the equipment. I could tell this wouldn't end well, but there were no other kids around. I let him do it. It broke my heart, but I knew it would be best for him. When he fell, I comforted him and help him clean up/bandage his scrapes. He learned from that experience, and it was so cool to watch his process of evaluating safety grow after that.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
I give you a free, virtual, germ-free hug of appreciation, if you want it. We learn to *think* by working it out.... (Note: We only learn pain if we're set up to fail, however.)
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
What heavy equipment do you use as a metaphor for parents who deliberately make a child's life difficult, beyond the usual "gravity works, you fall down" stuff? Honest question, b/c I had that dad, and it was like being in boot camp from infancy.
BoopBoop 4 years ago
Bulldozer and helicopter parenting is legitimately a form of abuse. All it does is create neurotic unconfident adults who can't function in the world because they never learned resilience. Loving parenting is not removing obstacles, loving parenting is giving your kids tools for navigating problems, providing encouragement through their difficulties and teaching them that failure is not only normal but necessary for eventual success.
Jessica butts 2 years ago
Sometimes the toughest thing we have to do as parents is to just sit in our own emotions and do nothing.
#18
Making fun of or heavily criticizing a child's accent, speech impediment, or othe linguistic trait. When I was a kid, my mom said my accent made me sound "unintelligent". So I suppressed it and now I have a permanent stutter, which she also mocked me for, which makes it worse. I hate speaking now, it feels embarrassing.
Burs 4 years ago
Making fun of your children in general. My parents always mocked me or my sister if we did something they did not like. From crying to doing non academic activities like sports or drawing. I used to stay up late and draw or write at night ready to hide it if I heard them walking towards my room as if I was watching porn or something. I am 30y and I still can’t do those things in front of my partner
Andy Acceber 4 years ago
I was lucky as a kid. I had many speech impediments, but my mom was patient with me and would just tell me to find another word. I was probably the only 4-year-old to say "automobile" because I couldn't pronounce the "c" or "r" in "car."
Karina H 4 years ago
really good advice. and hey: I like the word automobile better than the word car :-D
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Call Me Mars 4 years ago
I have a stutter, and I also get bullied sometimes because of my strange accent and stutter. Just the other day, when I was talking, I had somebody interrupt me to say they thought I was speaking pig Latin. Really hurt my feelings, but I played it off as a joke, but I doubt it is.
Viviane 4 years ago
They try that line at the comedy club, they can make lots of spaghetti sauce from the rotten tomatoes heading their way.
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Ella Oliver 4 years ago
my mum has recently started mocking my laugh i know its a little strange but now i literally refuse to laugh in front of people for it and she doesnt realize
Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
Oh, I hope this person gets help with their stutter. It can almost always be solved and it will help SO much in getting that confidence back and being able to speak freely.
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
Joe Biden has a stutter, but found strategies to minimize it. At the very start of one debate, he very briefly stuttered, then paused and was totally fluent after that. Whatever I think of him, that impressed me.
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#19
Comparing them to other kids, can really mess with your youngsters confidence.
Foxxy (The Original) 4 years ago
I never understood this. I think it's absolutely ridiculous coz every child learns things at a different rate.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
This a thousand times. My whole paternal family compared my sister and my cousins to each other, to me, etc. We've all wound up not speaking to each other. (And the comparisons continued literally at my sister's funeral, right up to "Why couldn't one of the others die instead?" from my Evil Aunt. Yeah. Please. Just .... don't.)
Isaac Harvey 4 years ago
I’ve heard my parents compare me to “other kids” or their past selves so many times in my past. They seem to forget I have childhood brain cancer and epilepsy, and no one else in my family has either.
Viviane 4 years ago
So much snark... "Why can't you be like the other parents who don't use unfair comparisons?" ... "So how did you accomplish all that when you had epilepsy and brain cancer?"
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Sapna Sarfare 4 years ago (edited)
In India, there is a term often used and now has become a joke - Sharmaji Ka Beta... nearest translation is Sharmaji's son.. basically it is like keeping up with the Jones... Our neighbour or XYZ's son has done this. Why can't you? The sheer competition must have taken many away from their dreams... It is sad.
RandomPanda 3 years ago
This made one of my closest friends start to resent me. I didn't know why for the longest time, but I later found out she would always be compared to me, and I felt really bad guit about it.
PixxelDust 4 years ago
I remember one time I told my friend about how my mum compared me to her. She said her mum compared her to me. What the f**k, parents! Why would you make your child a) insecure and b) possibly hateful/jealous of their friend!
Ella Oliver 4 years ago
my mum and step dad did this to me i constantly feel like everyone is better than me now and i should be more like them It's really not great
#20
“Are you physically hurt? No? Then stop crying.” Guess what I never stop doing as a 30 year old?
Additionally, my parents made the decision to not medicate me when I was diagnosed with ADD in the late 90s. My mother (to this day) thinks I swayed the test results because I was/am a people pleaser and I thought I was doing what the adults wanted to happen. Both my parents thought having the medication on my permanent health record would make getting jobs and healthcare difficult for me in the future. So now I live as a diagnosed adult who isn’t on meds because that mindset is something I’m still unlearning. Stigmatized family topics are fun.
Kanuli 4 years ago
That’s what my parent thought too. Though not only was my personality totally different with medication, the results I scored were seldom scored as high (was a simple intellgence test for youngsters), and you can fake being worse, but being better? It was like night/day the doctor said. I still stopped taking medication for some time, and even after taking it again now I don’t plan on taking it forever. What’s way more important I believe, are 2 things: Realisation that it is an illness, but not an excuse for your behaviour, just an explanation. And secondly: Parenting plus mechanics you should be taught and learn over the years how to handle it. And this of course is highly individual. I had to learn this all by myself though, but I found ways to counter my adhd with willpower and clever tricks. But it exhausts me like crazy. So it only works so far.
Jessica butts 2 years ago
Saying it's not an excuse is ableist AF. It IS a disability (because you are held to neurotypical standards) and it IS an excuse (your brain doesn't make enough neurotransmitters), that doesn't mean you don't work to improve your behavior, it's just makes It not your fault. It's NOT your fault!!
Load More Replies... Ellie Rosser 4 years ago
So prospective employers can see your health record from when you were a child? WTF
Lana Salberg-Schwickerath 4 years ago
In the US, HIPAA laws make that absolutely illegal. So those parents were either living elsewhere or were f***king ignorant.
Load More Replies... Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
Ugh. Stoicism. It's got its place, but nt in medical situations. So many people end up worse or dead b/c of stoicism. We can only tell how sick you are by how sick you tell us you are ----- okay, to a point, but obviously, stoicism to that extent means medical personnel don't know what's going on, so can't help. Frustrating AF for me, and possibly the second most common thing I hit in advocacy. First will always be "can't understand English/Medicalese" (I translate a *lot!*!)
Ciel Pike 4 years ago
I have ADD and the fact that u where unable to get medicated makes my blood boil, the medication made a such difference for me, tho some of the side affects could be unpleasant it was so much easier to focus in class and you should always get your child the help they need
Rebecca Olds 4 years ago
Every time i got and get overwhelmed my mom says its nothing to cry about but its my main emotional response. They also never put me on medication for mental health when i was younger even after going and getting the evaluation done. They felt i was already on too many medications for my asthma and allergies. Now i have migraines from the stress of a full time job and regularly feel sick to my stomach.
Viviane 4 years ago
If you need medication, no shame in that. I used to cry a lot, in part from anxiety and in part because of my upbringing. My mother could get scary angry. I would cry because it was pretty much the only accepted ways for me to express being upset. Between meds for depression (which also reduce anxiety) and therapy (which taught me to think differently), I've learned to assert myself in a variety of ways. Emails are a godsend - I can edit before hitting send.
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Aly Kohlman 4 years ago
My parents also completely ignored a diagnosis for ADD (now it would be ADHD) because they didn't believe in medication. I struggled horribly in school until I dropped out I'm grade 10. As an adult who's learned to work around my difficulties I finished high-school and I'm applying to university but I always wonder where I'd be now if this diagnosis was taken seriously.
Astrid Huyghe 3 years ago
The reasons are bad ofcourse but be happy you did not take those meds as a kid, messes up your brain and social life for the rest of your life ( like it did to me)
#21
Parents saying “i’m the parent” or “i’m doing my best” in response to your frustration. any argument i’m in with my mom, her reason why is because “she’s the parent”. it makes me feel invalidated as a kid. if you’re a parent and you don’t have a good reason for something, or won’t reveal the real reason when your kid asks why, you should rethink your priorities. an “i said no because i’m the parent” response to a kid asking to color their hair doesn’t help anything. if you really don’t want them to, explain using real reasons. seniority does not inherently mean respect. treat kids as small people with less experience, not as beings who are lesser-than.
Oly-babe 1 year ago
My mom was all about the because I said so, she was always right even when there was evidence to the contrary. She was the perfect mom don’t know how I ended up so bad. She wouldn’t even listen to a therapist. The moment they suggested that she was responsible for some of my problems she shut down & stormed off then asked me what lies I told her to make her think she was a bad mom. She also invaded my privacy & took my stuff & never gave it back even when I paid for it myself. I was always grounded until she decided I deserved to be ungrounded. & she wonders why we don’t come visit her with my son very often
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago
I always hated that phrase, along with "because I said so. If I didn't allow one to go to someone's house and they questioned it, I would tell them the truth. There's no adult supervision over there & I don't think that person is a good influence on you. My kids were encouraged to think things through and come to their own conclusions. They were allowed to disagree and question my judgment as long as they did so respectfully in low and soothing tones. Sometimes their argument swayed my opinion, sometimes not, but they learned the art of listening and negotiation.
Ella Oliver 4 years ago
my mum and step dad give me this all the time it annoys me because whenever i choose not to say a reason for something for fear they'll make fun of me for it i could told thats not good enough
Vivian Orr 4 years ago
This one can be touchy. Sometimes, “sometimes” the reason that you are the parent needs to be just that. Kids also need to respect and yes learn that because you are their parent you have the final say. There are ways to do this without the problems stated above.
#22
Shipping them with their friends or teasing them about liking someone who is really just a friend Needless to say this is stopping me from ever making a boy friend (not boyfriend BUT BOY FRIEND) Also has made me stop being friends with some cool people (not parents but classmates who do the same)
Burs 4 years ago
Yeah. Mocking them for having real or hypothetical crushes is really damaging. I never could talk to my parents about boys or emotions. They met my now ex once (I was already 21!) and were mocking me for like a week. And they were surprised that I didn’t introduced them to my partner for about a year.
Vorknkx 4 years ago
Asking kids if they have a girlfriend/boyfriend yet - I cringe every time I see this. But boomers seem to think it's "cute".
Viviane 4 years ago (edited)
That's not a terribly interesting question. I'm more interested in their relations with others in general and their hobbies and likes. They can bring up crushes if they want (I can listen and commiserate), but asking about their life in general is more interesting. One little boy told me about his first group project - he got stuck with all the work; I told him how I also had to learn to pick partners more carefully. I'm glad he's learning that earlier than I did (smart kid, he did tell the teacher, who was very understanding).
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Huddo's sister 3 years ago
My mum did this. Plus she get very full on at even a hint of a relationship, meaning my siblings and I hide when we begin dating people because we are not ready to have her talking about marriage and kids yet. Even when we were teenagers she would make comments about wanting grandkids and stuff. She just didn't give us much breathing space.
#23
Discussing adult problems/fears with them or around them. It can instill unnecessary fears which leads to anxiety problems. Or embarrassing them in front of others
Monday 4 years ago
Sometimes it's necessary, particularly about money. Yes it's going to give your kiddo anxiety, but it'll also help them understand the importance of taking care of what they have and knowing you're denying them [treat] not because you don't love them or they haven't done enough to deserve it, but because you honestly cannot afford it.
PixxelDust 4 years ago
Make sure to be careful of your wording though. Talk to them about what else you need the money for or why it should be used on something with more value. Don't say 'we can't afford it' unless you literally don't have enough money to buy it at all, as it makes the child think you have less than the $2 they wanted to buy a chocolate bar.
Load More Replies... Nadine Debard 4 years ago (edited)
You will never prevent your children from hearing stressful things, but you need to debrief with them afterwards to mitigate the impact it will have on them.
just me 4 years ago
Yes! Explain in an age appropriate way what's going on and it will reduce the stress and fear of all of those overheard conversations. And remember, kids hear way more than you think.
Load More Replies... Lovin' Life 4 years ago
My mom did this to my daughter while keeping her while I was in school. Then everytime we would go get groceries or to pay a bill, she worried that I didnt have enough money. I realized what was happening and put her in daycare but she still has anxiety about money to this day. She's 22. So sad.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
While there are limits ---- "We can't afford that b/c Daddy isn't employed" ---- I would say that the limits are pretty commonsensical. For example, "Tell me the blast radius of a 2000kiloton nuke ground burst".... (My dad, when I was 11)....That one is past that line.
PixxelDust 4 years ago
Worst if the child already has anxiety problems and you've just given them another one to stay up until 3am thinking about.
El muerto 4 years ago
at some age you have to. when you get to a point when you will start making decisions, you have to show them some of the obstacles, dangers and the confusion that comes with it...there is a difference to be an attentive parent and to be overprotective. lite embarrassments is part of growing up
Lara M 4 years ago
Maybe not adult problems/fears, but you can't keep them sheltered from everything either. They are going to grow into adults. They need to know how the world works. Also, they need to know the difference between "this is literally impossible because of these reasons" and "I am forbidding you this because I'm an unreasonable adult". You can't just rule by arbitrary fiat and never explain things.
#24
My mom always used to tell me how gross sex is and now I have intimacy issues.
Andy Acceber 4 years ago
Same. Before renting movies as kids, my mom would have my brother and I check what it was rated and why. For example, PG-13 for sexual content. Mom defined "sexual content" as "huggy, kissy, gross stuff, ew." Every time. Verbatim. She also teased me when I started dating. It's weird, but it really got to me. It's taken YEARS to get over the idea that all "sexual content" isn't "huggy, kissy, gross stuff, ew." Sometimes I still find myself fighting against those internationalized messages. Don't do that to your kids. Be mature and honest with them about sex.
Leo Domitrix 4 years ago
@Andy, that breaks my heart for you. Not only because of the intimacy, but because of the realities, too. Babies, diseases, anatomy.... You are not alone, though, never doubt that. I see so many people in the US through my work who can't even say "sex" at age 40, or hold hands, lest it lead to "yuck". And we're a social species, we need contact. Peace to you. (And your mom, who sounds like she needed some.)
Load More Replies... Rage of Aquarius 4 years ago
My mum gave me so many speeches about how sex is entirely overrated. If that's true, why do I have to hear you and my father shaking the house every saturday???
Lynne Harbison 4 years ago
She is doing her "duty"?? So many think like that unfortunately.
Load More Replies... Burs 4 years ago
To be fair historically for many women sex was terrible. Non consensual (you were not supposed to say no to your husband), or satisfying (I doubt that many had orgasms), uncomfortable (no oral or lube in most cases) and even extremely painful. So it makes sense that many women told that to their daughters.
Monday 4 years ago
Beyond that, some people just don't like sex. I certainly don't, as I find most skin to skin contact to be unpleasant, so to me sex really is gross. If I have children, I'll be telling them that, since that's what I honestly think.
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LeilaOdinis 4 years ago
This. My mother always made it out to be horrible and men were just after one thing. I was so scared of getting pregnant and called horrible names. She did insensitive things when I had a pregnancy scare. Never had kids because of her and her poisonous outlook.
Flabuless-Jaye 4 years ago (edited)
Yeap. I was never told that sex was part of a loving relationship, but rather something to be endured after an evening of drinking. Any "love scenes" and I apply that term loosely was given a voice over of "urgh, no one wants to see that, get a room"
Celtic Pirate Queen 4 years ago
And for God's sake use correct terms for body parts. It a penis not a pee wee.
Kanuli 4 years ago
We could summarize this. (phone wanted to write cummarize, coincidence? I think not) Parents trying to force their own believes, wishes, dreams, thoughts on their children. It goes hand in hand with what was written elsewhere: not seeing their children as individuals. But who can blame them? They most likely look at all humans either as equals, coz they are exactly like them, or as lesser, coz they are not. It’s not like humans are supposed to be different?? And it’s totally fine if someone believes, eats, or whatever else they do, it’s their life. Just keep your nose out of mine, especially family ;)
#25
Snooping. If you want your kid to get really good at hiding things from you and lying to you, this is how you do it. And as a bonus, they'll probably never trust you around their things in the future, if they keep in contact with you at all after they move out.
OhForSmegSake 4 years ago
My mum was not a snoop, she considered that below her. Instead she employed a cleaner, told the cleaner that they could go through everything in our rooms, and then report anything suspicious or immoral to her. Snooping one step removed.
Nikki Bastian 4 years ago
Snooping by proxy. Inviting strangers to mutually judge and shame. Paying them even. *Shudders*
Load More Replies... Bobby 4 years ago
Unless there is a concern for their health or you fear something illegal is going on leave them be. Your preteen/teenage kid is gonna look at porn. Educate them instead of embarrassing them.
HorrorEyeArcade 4 years ago
why'd you get downvoted? you make a good point
Load More Replies... Cecily Holland 4 years ago
I moved to the opposite side of the country. She rang my new job to demand I be given time off to go to some gathering I had already told her I wasn’t going too. And she wondered why I once again refused to speak to her for months after
#26
Don't tell kids that reading and school are more important than interpersonal relationships. Also don't hit kids or teach them to associate fear and pain with love. It'll hurt their chances of having normal relationships in the future.
Katie Lutesinger 4 years ago
If you hit or scream at your kids, the only thing you're teaching them is that they should be afraid of you.
BetweenTheCracks 4 years ago
My parents mandated that we bring home straight A's, without practice or making mistakes. Social guidance (including hygiene) was thin on the ground. Know what kind of kid that creates? Imagine Hermione Granger even more obsessive about grades, but wearing outgrown robes and smelling slightly, and with zero confidence.
Glirpy 4 years ago
Reading (not school) is WAAAAYYY more important than interpersonal relationships. You will be f****d if you are not able to read today. You will not understand anything about getting a job, buying a house, having insurance, sending money to scammers over the internet, etc, etc, etc. LEARN TO READ!!!
#27
Do not use food as a reward. Especially the same food over and over again. Otherwise you're getting a kid who subconsciously connects the two, gets happiness from eating that food, and will overeat it to the point of obesity, especially if its junk food. Example me, with fries.
Rage of Aquarius 4 years ago
My friend and I did an unofficial case study and found that parents of people in our circle tend to get their children pastries after a debilitating fight. She's constantly in violent screaming matches with her dad, and after he cools off, he'll usually bring a mea culpa pastry. My dad once spent an entire day asking me to help him with tasks, and then screaming about how I was useless and lazy and doing everything wrong. Then he bought me an eclair and we never spoke about it. Now, whenever I feel neglected or misused, I buy myself a pastry. My heart is garbage.
Viviane 4 years ago
I'd save that tactic for adults. "Go buy this --" hands husband a short list "and while you're out, I'll get started on the [husband's favourite dish]."
Viviane 4 years ago
I just admitted to him that I use food to make him do my bidding. He laughed. Maybe joke's on me and he trained me to cook?
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#28
Micro managing your children Let them play let them be on their own.
Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
Even as an adult this is annoying! I wanted to do this one big project, I had researched it and drew some designs and looked up how to do things, but then I went to ask my dad if it'd be ok if I did something like that (I rent a house from him) and said that if he wants to help me out, he can. Well, he took over the project and it's nothing at all what I wanted, and if you tell him that his idea is/was wrong, he gets so pissed off, it's insane. He can scrap a whole project in his anger when he's told that he's wrong, so now I just have to live with what he made for as long as I still live here.
Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
There's other projects too, that I've either asked for help or guidance, and he'll just tell me that he'll take care of it. When I talk to mom about some of the projects that have come to my mind, she just says "oh just ask dad to do it" and you know what, then when there's something that I actually need help with, something that I can't do on my own, I get judged for needing help with it ffs.
Load More Replies... Tara B. 4 years ago
Ugh, I have such a hard time with this one with my youngest. She’s autistic (but really quite the opposite of all the stereotypes), and I constantly worry I’m not giving her enough attention if she goes to play by herself. She kinda let me know, though, when I asked her if she wanted Mommy to play with her. She goes, “No thanks, I’m good.” 😂
Batgirl Kitty 4 years ago
Except my parents started letting me play outside alone when I was nine because they always had stuff to do
#29
Simply handing them money.
It quite the needle to thread to figure out how to get money into your kids’ hands without it becoming an expectation, an entitlement. We want to give our kids stuff. But we don’t want it to create problems.
Helping kids learn the value of money is important.
Slick 4 years ago
It was different with my parents. They will spend extensively to impress friends and family with dinner parties etc, buying unessentiel objects (for asthetic status upgrade i guess) for them self when they can afford it. But eventually, we lost a lot. So much so, we (the kids) had to skip meals to get by. Our basic needs were neglected. So when we needed stuff demanded by the school, like fees or payement for projects etc, we would 1st have to endure humiliation because we only know how to adk for money and we cannot make our own and that we should be ashame to will have spend grossery money on our own desire (education needs). And it's even worst if we really do need it for our own needs. I never own a bra until i bought myself one after earning my 1st salary working part time at age 15.
Nubmaeme 4 years ago
Growing up, I never had a regular allowance. Mom would give me a few dollars every once in a while but not on a regular basis. At 14, I was given a choice. I could stay home, do chores and get $5 a week allowance, or I could accept the job I had been offered at $70 a week. So at 14, I started working full time in a drug store, as well as going to school.
Random Anon 4 years ago (edited)
Well I don't know which is worse TBH as I've lived through the other end. it's either eat and walk the 7 KM home or skip a meal and take the bus or often walk home hungry. Back then we didn't have lockers so the backpack can be 6 to 10 kilos. And where I lived the temperature can be as high as 40 C or thunderstorms. At 14, I went and got a job and skipped school at least 1 day a week to work. It was quite messy. My folks don't really care as long as my results are good. The school though only needed 60% attendance and of course exam results.
Something Different 4 years ago
my parents showed me pet stores, and I started saving up, $345 dollars in a year (I did art commissions and such) THEN I also had to do a year of research, and take care of the pet well. taught me a lot.
#30
When they reprimand their kids about a certain habit or action that the parents themselves do (or do to the kids) - it gives the idea that yes, my parent knows that this is wrong and is telling me that it is wrong but they still do it so maybe I can do it as well. Seems like it's a way to develop cognitive dissonance in kids.
Andrea Purzycki 4 years ago (edited)
I had a friend who had parents who smoked. His parents didn't hide the fact that they smoked but my friend had never seen them smoke because his parents thought that as long as their kids never saw them smoking then their kids wouldn't smoke/wouldn't want to smoke. It didn't work. My friend was one of the first kids in my grade to start smoking.
Viviane 4 years ago
I don't tell teenagers about lung cancer and emphysema. They know that already and it seems decades away. I mention that it's highly addictive - some people don't realize how hard it is to quit (plus the expense). The wisdom from my school days is that it took four cigarettes for tobacco companies to have a customer for life.
Load More Replies... Isaac Harvey 4 years ago
My dad has a reputation for this. He’d tell us to get off our phones, but then I’d see him checking Facebook on the family computer not even fifteen minutes later.
Bobby 4 years ago
I'll use my smoking as an example. I want my kids to be better than me, but I lack the strength to quit for myself. Its not done maliciously
Viviane 4 years ago
You could explain how addictive it is and that you wish you could quit. Maybe they'll encourage you.
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#31
Talking over them or encouraging the whole "good kids don't talk" bs. I'm nearly 40 and I still assume that I have to talk fast or that people will cut me off or tire of me. And when people do talk over me I kind of just shut down. Kinda sucks since I teach for a living. Though tbh my students are more attentive to what I say than most any adult.
#32
Not letting them choose/pressuring them to have a certain appearance (clothing style, hair cuts, etc) just because the parent doesn’t like it
Marika Miettinen 4 years ago
Yup! Mom hated it that I wanted to have black hair as a teen, and most of my clothes were black. She was sure that I'll turn into a Satan worshipper, just because of the black apparel. One time she even threw out my faux leather jacket because she hated it, but luckily my sister saw it and went to salvage it from the outdoor trash bin. My grandma also always makes comments about people's looks, and that's one of the reasons why I'm not interested in being in touch with her.
Jessica Gunn 4 years ago
YES!! No, I don't want to wear a dress/skirt! I don't want to "dress like a girl"! I was a big tomboy, and they couldn't stand it, lol. They let me have my hair any way I wanted though, I went through ALL the colors. On a side note, I'm a Gen-Xer, and boy did my Dad HATE the plaid shirt tied around my waist everyday, lol, but Mom always said "just let her do what she wants" but to Dad? "But, she looks like a slob!" We had a big fight over me wanting to buy men's jeans too, but Mom squashed that one as well. Thanks Mom :-)
Lovin' Life 4 years ago
Let them be their own person! I did and have 3 great and successful children
Monday 4 years ago
To be fair, with hair cuts you're often limited by school regulations so you'll have to refuse kiddos choice from time to time.
Mani Meko 4 years ago
Regulations in school which hair cut is okay?! This is ridiculous! Which country is that?
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#34
“Why can’t you be more like other sibling?”
XSpooky_Mint 4 years ago
My parents always tell me I'm too much like my older brother and if I don't start doing better in school I'm gonna end up just like him They think we're both disappointments and they don't even have the guts to say it to his face anymore. But ya know, truth be told, we're both better than either of them ;)
Nubmaeme 4 years ago
I was always compared to my two much older brothers. They were always presented as doing everything better than me. It didn't matter that I was working full time at 14 while they had only done odd jobs on weekends until after high school. It wasn't until after I was grown that it stopped. Of the three of us, I was the only one Mom and Dad never had to help out financially or had to move back in with them due to lost jobs or failed marriages.
#35
Not respecting boundaries just 'because they're our parents' if you don't respect privacy they won't learn to respect boundaries themselves
#36
Not to waste their food. My family was poor so I was told not to waste food but was given huge portions from the time I was a toddler. I'd have to sit at the table until I could finish it all, even I it was hours. Now I have zero portion control and feel immense guilt if I throw something away. I do leftovers a lot when I go out to eat but if the restaurant is too far away for the food to stay good on the way home and I have to tell the wait stuff I don't want the remaining food, I feel guilt about it for days.
Monday 4 years ago
Kids shouldn't waste food, but personally I think the better lesson is to teach said kiddo to box up their leftovers and put it in the fridge so it can be eaten later. Can't finish your dinner? Cool, take this box, put in the food and pop it in the fridge so someone else can eat it later.
Rage of Aquarius 4 years ago
Only take what you know you can eat. You can always get seconds. That's why my parents hate feeding my friends.
#37
Teach them to not cry ever
Lovin' Life 4 years ago
They need to feel their feelings. Else they will eventually shutdown or explode in negative ways.
Flabuless-Jaye 4 years ago
"if you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about". Yeap, that tactic is going to work...
Random Anon 4 years ago (edited)
"Men shed blood not tears" is a common thing growing up. Even when getting a walloping that drew blood. I guess the discipline teachers in school never really understood why their measly cane did absolutely no damage.
Katsuki Bakugou (Kacchan) 4 years ago
yeah, my parents do this to me- i'm not even in my early teens and i cant go through school day without having to go into the bathrooms and cry-
#38
When your parents are tired of your rambling and ask you to stop talking. In their defense, they're exhausted from taking care of you and just need some peace and quiet for maybe 5 seconds and likely asked you to stop because they were overwhelmed in the moment. This was what happened for me, but in that moment I remember thinking that this means my dad doesn't actually care about all my stories, so that was when I stopped telling them. I also stopped telling them to pretty much everyone because I just assumed no one cared. Wasn't until my late teens/early twenties that I realised people did care and I came out of my shell a bit more. I don't think my dad had any bad intentions. He was trying to help me with my homework, I remember. I was definitely a big talker as a kid and he used to work A LOT, would always come home exhausted (never took it out on us though) and just wanted to get the homework over and done with, but it still happened and impacted me pretty badly.
Lucas 4 years ago
Saw a mum in a coffee shop with her son. He wasn't talking overly much. He was asking a few very reasonable questions about the items the shop sold. He was polite, not demanding, not loud. We all queued for about 35 minutes for coffee - various covid restrictions slowing service and he had been silent for most of it. He only asked a total of 4 questions. Now obviously I don't know what he's like normally - maybe he'd badgered her with questions all morning and she'd reached her limit but that isn't what it looked liked. She went on to rant at him about wanting just a few minutes peace and could he just shut up - over and over. He went silent. No complaints, no whining, just looked sad. I'll reiterate that I don't know the dynamics and how they are normally but he seemed such a quiet child and didn't seem to be even slightly pestering. I know parenting isn't easy but it seemed very sad to me.
Slick 4 years ago
My parents would tell me ; i'm over reacting, i need to grow up, i am not the center of the earth, to stop whining, whatever it is-it must be my fault anyways, if i think that is even a problem-maybe i should switch place with them, they'd ask me if i'm not ashame to be so weak, they'd ask me if i'm not embarrassed to let people see my cry, anddddd the list continues.... I was soooo afaid to open up that the mere idea of expressing my emotions made me tremble when i was growing up. Took years to be able to embrase my emotion as they come.
#39
One that I haven't seen posted here yet: Overly complimenting a child on something that is a natural talent or on their intelligence. It's been a minute so I don't have a link. But if I'm remembering correctly there have been studies that showed that children who were told how smart/talented they were on a regular basis grew up to be apathetic and lazy. Compliment a child on their efforts regardless of skill or outcome. They grow up to be a lot more pro-active and productive.
Burs 4 years ago
I think that overcomplementing in general is bad. My parents always remarked how smart I was (I think that I matured a bit faster than other kids and was quite smart, not anymore) and also praised hard work and success. But they did it in a way that ment that if you didn’t succeed you were a failure and should be ashamed. Me and some of my friends have many issues now when things don’t go well (like don’t get the job) because we feel completely useless failures.
#40
Don't teach them emotion management.
Jessica Gunn 4 years ago
Yeah! They can... cry if they want to, cry if they want to, cry if they want to, because, you would cry too if it happened to you! ;)
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What do you think ?
Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
Conclusions: Many, MANY parents should never have gotten kids and every would-be parent should have to do a mandatory course on child care and raising them, with an added psych eval to see if you're fit to be a parent.
Kristal 4 years ago
Omg yes. My mother only had me because the doctors told her she shouldn't/couldn't have children -_-
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Burs 4 years ago (edited)
It is sad how many of my friends have very messed up relations with their parents., specially fathers. Only one of my friends likes his father, many have missing fathers (that left or never showed up), most of us hate our fathers or have a very bad relation with them and many have also problems with their mothers. It might be a coincidence but it says a lot.
Nudge 4 years ago
my friends all have problems with their mothers, some with both parents though, and some only because dad wasn't in the picture
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Katsuki Bakugou (Kacchan) 4 years ago (edited)
I identify with so many of these, and I've tried not to think about it, but I need to address some of these issues with the 3 possible people who will see this. You all are doing great! even if your parents are yelling at you, or you don't feel like you are enough, you are enough, ok? Even if you don't have a parent and get bullied for it, or you have a disability, or you have a speech impediment or are deaf or are mute, all that stuff, remember that you are you and no one else can change it except for you- I hope this doesn't sound mean- but remember, you are loved by me! (no homo)
Marie 4 years ago (edited)
Calling your kids names like brat, stupid, drama queen, etc. I had to remind my sister that her 12 month old wasn't purposefully being difficult, she is a baby. And my sister needed to stop calling her daughter cruel names before she started to understand what her mom was saying because it's horrible.
BoopBoop 4 years ago
Sounds like maybe your sister is struggling with post-partum depression. It doesn't always manifest as crying and laying around. Sometimes it just looks like excessive anxiety or difficulty bonding with your child. If you sister is really calling her baby names, that might be a bonding problem, and for her sake, and especially her child's, please encourage her to talk to her doctor. I would even draw her partner's attention to it.
Load More Replies... KMill 4 years ago
Parents who don’t believe in them. Whenever I would say, I want to be XYZ or ABC when I grow up, I’d get a lot of “that’s a lot of hard work and education” or “do you really think that’s a good idea?” - even as an adult when I talked about a new career path I felt shut down. Of course I also get asked why I’m “just a secretary” and not something better. Don’t do this to your kids.
Kel 4 years ago (edited)
I agree with you. on one hand I know that reading these types of articles only makes me feel worse, but at the same time I feel curious to see how many of these I can recognise from my life
Load More Replies... Demi Zwaan 4 years ago
Conclusions: Many, MANY parents should never have gotten kids and every would-be parent should have to do a mandatory course on child care and raising them, with an added psych eval to see if you're fit to be a parent.
Kristal 4 years ago
Omg yes. My mother only had me because the doctors told her she shouldn't/couldn't have children -_-
Load More Replies... Burs 4 years ago (edited)
It is sad how many of my friends have very messed up relations with their parents., specially fathers. Only one of my friends likes his father, many have missing fathers (that left or never showed up), most of us hate our fathers or have a very bad relation with them and many have also problems with their mothers. It might be a coincidence but it says a lot.
Nudge 4 years ago
my friends all have problems with their mothers, some with both parents though, and some only because dad wasn't in the picture
Load More Replies... Katsuki Bakugou (Kacchan) 4 years ago (edited)
I identify with so many of these, and I've tried not to think about it, but I need to address some of these issues with the 3 possible people who will see this. You all are doing great! even if your parents are yelling at you, or you don't feel like you are enough, you are enough, ok? Even if you don't have a parent and get bullied for it, or you have a disability, or you have a speech impediment or are deaf or are mute, all that stuff, remember that you are you and no one else can change it except for you- I hope this doesn't sound mean- but remember, you are loved by me! (no homo)
Marie 4 years ago (edited)
Calling your kids names like brat, stupid, drama queen, etc. I had to remind my sister that her 12 month old wasn't purposefully being difficult, she is a baby. And my sister needed to stop calling her daughter cruel names before she started to understand what her mom was saying because it's horrible.
BoopBoop 4 years ago
Sounds like maybe your sister is struggling with post-partum depression. It doesn't always manifest as crying and laying around. Sometimes it just looks like excessive anxiety or difficulty bonding with your child. If you sister is really calling her baby names, that might be a bonding problem, and for her sake, and especially her child's, please encourage her to talk to her doctor. I would even draw her partner's attention to it.
Load More Replies... KMill 4 years ago
Parents who don’t believe in them. Whenever I would say, I want to be XYZ or ABC when I grow up, I’d get a lot of “that’s a lot of hard work and education” or “do you really think that’s a good idea?” - even as an adult when I talked about a new career path I felt shut down. Of course I also get asked why I’m “just a secretary” and not something better. Don’t do this to your kids.
Kel 4 years ago (edited)
I agree with you. on one hand I know that reading these types of articles only makes me feel worse, but at the same time I feel curious to see how many of these I can recognise from my life
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