30 Bone-Chilling Messages From Stalkers Who Refused To Take ‘No’ As An Answer

Bored Panda got in touch with KikiMay, a feminist content creator and researcher and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions. First and foremost, we wanted to know why women tend to be the primary victims of stalkers. 

“When you look at the fact that women are more than twice as likely to be stalked as men, that men are overwhelmingly the perpetrators of stalking, and that most women report knowing their stalker or being in an intimate relationship with him – you really can’t ignore the role that gender plays here. Men in the U.S. grow up in a patriarchal society that teaches and reinforces ideas about men being entitled to women’s bodies, and men as leaders or decision-makers who should be given deference and care.”

“When women reject men’s advances, it seems incongruous to the way men have been raised to think things “ought to be,” and one result of that is to not take no for an answer by stalking. It helps men regain that sense of control, and it also helps reinforce the idea with their victims that they should be afraid of them – and of men, in general – if they behave in ways that aren’t in accordance with traditional gender roles,” she shared with Bored Panda.

“We also can’t ignore the ways in which institutionalized sexism and misogyny helps men get away with stalking behaviors against women more often. Women are less likely to be believed by police officers and medical professionals. They’re often seen as overreacting, for instance – even though the vast majority of women who were stalked by an intimate partner were also physically or sexually assaulted by the same partner.”

“And then there’s the shame women feel – like they must have done something to cause this kind of behavior – because living in a society where sexism and misogyny are so interwoven into the fabric of our day-to-day lives means that victim blaming just seems normal. She should have chosen a better partner, she should have left the first time – but it's this very shame that allows them to be victimized more, because they often won’t report their stalking, or they’ll be more susceptible to gaslighting by their stalker about how they “made” him do what he’s doing. It’s a vicious cycle.”

From the other side, we wanted to hear why she thought many men were likely to engage in this sort of behavior. “I think I touched upon this in my first answer – growing up in a patriarchal society means that men feel entitled to women’s bodies, time, and attention – but I’ll try to expand here. Men often view relationships as transactional, so they’re thrown off-kilter if they buy a woman a drink or dinner and then they don’t get what they were expecting in return – which is usually sex or some form of physical intimacy – but can also just be praise or admiration.”

“When you grow up in a society where you are centered and privileged, where everything built – from the chair you’re sitting into the TV programs you watch and the stores you shop in – were specifically designed for you – it can be destabilizing to not get what you want. And for some, that destabilization leads to dangerous, unacceptable behaviors like stalking. For others, it goes a step further to violence.”

“We’ve already seen so many mass shootings motivated by men feeling they’ve not gotten what they’re owed by women – Elliot Rodger being among the most famous, who called his act a “day of retribution” for the women who rejected him. Men feel they deserve explanations for rejections or break ups – which is ironic, given that if their reaction to such things is to stalk, berate, assault, or abuse, it should be pretty evident why someone might not want to be with them.”

We inquired if she herself had ever dealt with these sorts of issues. “Luckily, I’ve never been the victim of stalking. Because I’m a feminist content creator, though, I’m no stranger to threatening and abusive DMs – from physical threats to threats of doxing, etc., and then just run-of-the-mill ad-hominem attacks using highly gendered language. And it’s sad to say – but most women, and especially most with feminist or social justice platforms – will be wholly unsurprised by this admission.”

“In fact, it’s just seen as something that comes along with the territory. Though we can acknowledge it’s unacceptable, we can also acknowledge how normalized it’s become and how little is done to stop it from social media platforms, authorities, or Government Institutions. I think it’s also important to note that as a woman, I’ve also dealt with my fair share of entitled men IRL who’ve hounded me – whether through text messages or in-person – for sex, dating, and attention. And oftentimes, as a woman, you’re forced to weigh whether it’s worth it to say no or if acquiescing simply feels safer. Because if we’ve learned anything, it’s that bruising a male ego can have life-altering or life-ending consequences.”

She left us with these partying thoughts: “I’d love to bring up a really important point that Cornell professor and feminist author “Kate Manne discusses in her book, Entitled: How Male Privilege Hurts Women. She says that the misogyny that leads to behaviors like stalking, rape, and assault is not about dehumanizing women and thinking of them as prizes or rewards. That makes it seem like because men don’t see women as human, that’s the excuse for them perpetrating these behaviors. It almost removes them from the deeply personal nature of their crimes. But the reality, she says, is that interpersonal violence is a thing you do to persons, not to inanimate objects.”

“Manne says what’s really going on is not that men misperceive what women are, but rather, that they have a mistaken moral ideology of what women are for…which is to say that men believe women are for providing the sorts of goods – sex, submission, praise, attention – that men are entitled to, instead of believing that women are autonomous individuals who get to decide to whom, how, when, and where they provide any of those things – if at all.”

Kiki has a dual Bachelor of Arts degree in Media & Communication and Political Science, and a Master of Arts degree in Communication, where her work centered on the intersection of gender and power and explored representations of female leaders in cable news programming. Her research has been featured by the Association for Education in Journalism and Mass Communication and her writing has been published in various print and online mediums. She hopes to be able to become a full-time feminist content creator and writer so she can share her real name in the social media space soon. Until then, she’s operating under the watchful eye of the man, so you can find her posting on TikTok and Instagram, both under the username kikimay612.