People Share The Ultimate Red Flag That Overshadows All The Green Ones, Here Are 30 Of The Most Accurate Ones
Interview
No one is perfect; no matter how much we idealize a person—be it a family member, a partner, an idol, or someone else—they ought to have flaws. At least one. And even though it’s important to try and accept people for who they are—the good and the bad included—sometimes that one flaw can outweigh all the good qualities they possess.
Redditor u/WoodenInevitable1574 recently asked the ‘Ask Reddit’ community what is one red flag in a partner that negates all the green ones, and members had plenty to share. Ranging from dishonesty to the daily number of selfies taken, their answers covered all sorts of factors that would fend them off from otherwise even the most perfect of partners. Scroll down to find them on the list below, together with some of the OP’s thoughts on the matter, which they shared with Bored Panda during a recent interview.
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They voted for Trump. That shows a clear lack of kindness, integrity, and intelligence.
There's a lot, but the one I have that isn't here yet is animal cruelty, except if it's towards a cockroach.
The redditor told Bored Panda that the reason they posed the question was an ended relationship. “I asked it as some surprising revelations came up from a failed relationship I was involved in, and I was curious if I was a unique case,” they said.
Professor of psychology at the Derner School of Psychology of Adelphi University, Lawrence Josephs, PhD., pointed out that sometimes people turn a blind eye to red flags and character flaws while in a relationship, especially in the very beginning. It is related to the phenomena of ‘the primacy effect’, ‘the confirmation bias’, and ‘motivated perception’.
Having different levels of respect for people according to their profession, status, health, finances, popularity, race, etc...
You know the ones that cozy up to their peers while yelling at the waiter that brings their food to the table, mocking a special needs customer on the other table for "fun" and/or talking trash about people with a different skin color behind their backs because how dare they?
I hate those people, and make it a point to avoid them like the plague.
Oh hey, I see OP has met my sibling! Yeeah... don't ever EVER tell me "they're family! Forgive everything!" - no.
I have a bunch, but the one that'll get me downvoted to hell? Extremely devout in their religion. Doesn't matter what religion to me - if they're seriously religious, I'm gone.
The primacy effect refers to people presenting the best version of themselves when they first start dating someone, in order to make a good first impression. Dr. Lawrence Josephs suggested that such a positive impression can influence our judgment and the way we perceive the person in the future.
That often leads to confirmation bias, which means people tend to selectively look for evidence that could confirm their first impression. Similarly, they often choose to ignore anything that can challenge the positive impression, including all sorts of red flags.
Never admitting they were wrong, even in the face of evidence. Never apologizing.
No empathy for other’s distress.
This. And blaming any wrongdoing on someone else. "Someone told me to do it." "If he hadn't done . . . I wouldn't have had to . . .."
Racism/hate.
Many use their education/ background as an excuse for their racist views. Nope. At some point in life, you are making your own choices. My father is racist, homophobic, xenophobic and misogynistic (and also abusive and violent to his family). I moved away and haven't spoken to him in years.
Littering. Like , blatantly. Throwing trash out of a car window for example. It's my pet peeve. Of course, I'd point it out to them first and see if they stopped doing it but it would still be a huge red flag to me.
I can't absolutely not understand how anyone would think that's ok
According to Josephs, cognitive biases are driven by motivated perception, as people are highly motivated to believe in the idealized image they’ve created of their partner (due to being tired of being single or lonely, and similar reasons). However, he believes that people do notice red flags despite the primacy effect, the confirmation bias, and motivated perception clouding their judgment.
The OP revealed to Bored Panda what is one red flag that negates all the green ones for them: “I consider abuse of trust as the line that cannot be crossed under any circumstances. No matter what other qualities one may possess, once they break my trust, it's nearly impossible to gain it back.”
Anti-science.
As someone who works close to the scientific field, I would like to say that many seem to misunderstand the concept of science. Scientific knowledge is not fixed, it is what we think is closest to reality based on various sophisticated experiments and observations. Within the scientific community there is constant discussion and sometimes verification (unfortunately this is far too rare as there is neither prestige nor money for it and verification is even more expensive) whether all this is so.
Cruelty. People can hide it pretty well sometimes but when you see it, it’s best to dip.
strawbisundae replied:
Especially animal cruelty. My old art teacher from the third highschool I attended told me (literally old, she was 72) that, how someone treats animals is often how they treat people and you do not want someone like that in your life.
Absurd possesiveness („you can’t wear that“, „you cant go there“, „you cant talk to that guy“).
The OP believes that sharing stories and discussing similar topics can help people dispose of certain negative emotions. “Human beings are social animals. They take no joy in loneliness, and I'm not just talking physically. If someone else shares your uneasy feelings, they dissipate faster. I make these claims from personal observation and experience,” they said.
If they ever start bragging on how "fortunate" you are to be with them and how they have a roster of people they can be with at any moment.
Victim complex.
kgriff112 replied:
Just ended a friendship I’ve had with someone since kindergarten due to this.
She was always the hero or the victim (ya know, always the martyr), and it was always about her. Sad that it ended after so long but I couldn’t take it anymore, and I hated feeling like a hypocrite, calling myself her friend while growing to resent her more and more each day.
How they treat boundaries. If you set one, someone is either going to test it, or they'll actively try to help you maintain it. And if they're the former, things will only get worse from there in how they treat you.
Overbearing jealousy.
No_transistory replied:
My ex. She would go through my phone while I slept and remove and block people on my social media she didn't want me talking to. Complimenting someone's hair? Flirting. Smiling while talking? Flirting. Liking a photo? Flirting.
She could not stand me having female friends. The irony being most of her friends were male. She also never had anything nice to say about anyone or anything. Left a few months ago and I miss her, but damn I tried and tried and just couldn't cope anymore.
Oooh. I used to spend hours trying to convince my ex that I travelled for business and that was it. "Yeah, sure, who knows what male colleague was with you in your so-called business trip?" How do you prove that you didn't do something? Why would need to prove smth. like that in the first place?
Dishonesty.
For me, it depends on the degree of it. Certain things would be a deal-breaker but many things can be worked through and you can find the cause.
The older I get, the more there are. I'm not dealing with possessiveness, unkindness towards people or animals, gaslighting or other manipulative dishonesty, rage problems, irresponsible financial habits, excessive bathroom humor... I'm sure there's more. And I'm not in the business of changing people.
If we are talking early/first date stuff, though, I'd say being unkind or stingy with wait staff. Quick and easy pass.
Following anyone in the manosphere. Andrew Tate/Jordan Peterson/ Pearl for example.
Narcissistic behaviour/ manipulation. Doesn’t matter how perfect they are otherwise. Because chances are it’s not actually the real them.
Quite a few. Just being rude to people. You can be nice to people in your life,but rude to strangers and I can't stand it.
Having worked in retail in my 20's & 30's I can quite agree with this. Some customers treat you as a servant.
Addiction.
As a recovering alcoholic, that's no way to live.
It's too late for me. I read that as abduction. In my defense, I was watching X-Files earlier.
Finding out they want something like kids several months down the road, when in the beginning they swore not wanting any and you're concrete in not wanting any.
Like, I'm not changing my mind so make up yours and stop wasting my time and effort.
Hate this! I make sure right in the beginning i dont want kids so no one is disappointed later on. If you lied to make me like you or to be with me its your fault thing are going to end or you are going to be childless
Smoking
(Sorry, but kissing a smoker is absolutely gross.)
The whole game mentality and trying to find things to be upset about so the other person has to make it up to you. Been with a few women who would try to make me feel guilty over nothing or just simple things like:
Me: Hey, sorry, I have to work tonight since my major project is due tomorrow, can we get together tomorrow for dinner?
Her: Oh, so what, you love your work more than you love me?!
Me: No, I HAVE to work (this is the first reschedule in months). Maybe I can make it up to you tomorrow?
Her: Yea, youll have to I guess...
Me: *feels bed like Im a bad person and a bad partner, when it is a simple 1 day reschedule for a basic date*
Like this s**t was exhausting and constant. Then for weeks after its brought up like it was a huge issue in our relationship and I still "owe" her something.
I was getting a brand new car which was my dream car, and was so excited, that when I spoke about it, my ex said "sounds like you like the car more than me..." and got moody. Like cant you just be happy with me?
How they treat people in the service industry/hospitality.
You can be the sweetest most caring woman I’ve ever met in my life that genuinely wants me to be better and is interested in my life and growing together as partners BUT the second they treat someone who may be serving us food or checking us into a hotel or restaurant and treat them like s**t for no reason, then it’s time to take my toast elsewhere.
My first serious girlfriend went on a three year campaign to change everything about me she could.
I started seeing a girl, beautiful, ambitious, came from money, our families had a long but good history together. About six weeks in its getting serious. She's talking about getting her dad to buy her/build her a location she can start a business near where I live and I'm a struggling video producer.
I asked her flat out, "What makes this work for you? You've got these things going for you and I have months I struggle to pay bills."
"You got a few problems but I think I can change you."
Punched out on that relationship a few days later.
Lack of empathy, impatient, selfish, to name a few.
I had a conversation with a roommate once. We were high and tipsy and talking about how we want to make enough money to help alleviate social ills such as homeless. Next day (not even 24 hours later) we're out getting food and there's this teen boy who she assumed appeared homeless. With a disgusted voice she asked "what is he doing here?" He was buying food. The boy was just buying food. The lease only ends in a couple of months.
"Have you ever considered an open relationship"
Nope, goodbye.
- Lack of basic hygiene
- Lack of basic skills (how to do laundry, cook simple meals, etc)
Being domineering and controlling. Just absolutely f*****g no.
Disliking dogs (or animals in general).
As a general principle this is a real good measure. But there are cases in which it may not be so clear. I have a neigbour, otherwise very good and kind person, who does not like dogs because she was attacked and bitten by a dog when she was a child. So before you judge, check for the specific reason.
Getting upset at every little thing. Like don't get me wrong, I understand some people are a bit sensitive or emotional, but you can't be asking for communication and then get upset at everything I say.
Yeah... don't start demanding things then getting upset when you get the thing but it's not matching what you'd made up in your head.
Over the top solipsism. That "I don't perceive it that way, so it cannot be true" mentality.
chilledkitkat replied:
When I meet someone like that it reminds me of playing peek-a-boo with a baby and exploiting their lack of object permanence.
I don't perceive it that way so it can't be true... oh my GAWD the number of people who are like this... is depressingly surprising. I know more than once someone has said something like this and I had to pause for a moment ... because I honestly thought they were kidding - as in "You've lived to adult age... you ARE joking, right? You canNOT be this stupid and... oh my gawd you are."
Not lack of knowledge but lack of open-mindedness to new ideas and cultures. Lots of people who work against generational teachings of subliminal prejudice do a lot of work but cut ethical corners. It's not about being good or bad, being right or wrong, or holding an opinion. But just generally being humble enough to approach something without assuming or having a stance before a full mental image is formed.
If they take more than 7 selfies a day... it's oddly specific in a number of ways but I find it says a lot about one's character.
Unless you are taking a selfie of yourself standing next to the King of England I can't see the point. I don't need my ugly mug inserted into a snapshot of a tourist attraction as somehow giving credence to me being there
Malice.
If they lie, it's usually because of trauma and trust issues. They fear the consequences of being honest. I can work with that.
If they cheat, again they don't feel like they can trust me to talk about desires and kinks.
I negate both of these by making sure we can say anything and we can talk about anything. A fling it's one thing. People have their own goals and desires, so long as we both have the same freedoms and understandings, we're good.
Malice however it's different. Their goal is to cause misery to others, manipulate others for their own gain or even just ruin the lives of others. When someone is malicious, you're not a person to them but just a thing to use. There's no value of growth or partnership.
There are people who seem to be straight up wicked beings that want nothing more than to harm others for one reason or another. You can't trust that. You can't work with people like that. They'll use you then blame you for trusting them.
Hoarding. I just can’t handle the whole illness on a day to day. I’m not strong enough. It’s a huge red flag and hard pass.
When they simply can't speak to you in a respectful way. And I'm not talking about RESPECT I'm talking about they just say hateful, impatient, rude stuff to you seemingly because they think that's what you deserve.
Nowadays for me the lack of a stable job or other clear way to support themselves.
A student in college living off loans is fine if they have a clear career path thought out. Somebody on their third job this year because every shift lead they’ve had was supposedly a b***h has some stuff to work out before they should be dating.
1) Being strongly conservative. It sucks, because goddamn do I love cowboys, but every time I've tried it our values are just too opposing and it ends with them mocking my thoughts/beliefs.
2) Becoming too attached/committed too quickly. Learned that the hard way - it isn't sincere overwhelming love, it's a manipulation tactic. Last ex remodeled a wing in his house just for me to use after 6 weeks of dating, and I seriously felt like I was Belle in Beauty and the Beast. It...didn't turn out well.
3) Focusing too much on my finances. I have a graduate degree and a financially comfortable job, which I'm proud of. I still had guys that wanted me to "prove" I wasn't a gold digger by making me pay for everything I wanted, even if it was to benefit us mutually. Vacations, home repairs, holiday gifts for both our families, cars, whatever. Turns out I was the diggee, not the digger. I agree with sharing expenses, but when my ex wanted to skip a wedding and have my dad "cut him a check" for the wedding fund my parents saved for me, I knew I was played.
Any personality switch - sign of love bombing.
When my ex gf would talk about her ex as if she wished things would have worked out.
Omg I missed that one early on, then guess who she went to when things got difficult. Made me realize I was never the guy she wanted. I was the guy she settled for.
Any previous infidelity. Once a cheater there is a large potential for them to repeat it.
Also, being unwilling to spend money on me from time to time (covering dates or whatever). Gold diggers are a huge red flag.
Degradation. I don't care if it's in your nature to be the kind of comedian that always puts me at the butt of jokes or if you think it's sexy to emasculate me in bed, that is just a gateway to being a real d******d to me because I'm letting you get away with so much and there is no going back once I've let you have a few.
I've had friends like this as well, had is the keyword.
Using ultimatums to get their way.
"You have to choose between ____ and me"
"If you don't like me doing ____ then maybe this relationship isn't working"
"I don't like it when you ____, stop it or I'll dump you"
It doesn't matter what the blanks are, it doesn't even matter if she's 100% right with her ultimatums, this type of behavior is an immediate no-go.
Refusal to talk about certain aspects of their past. If your partner can't be open to you about their life, including their relationship with their parents, their siblings or other family members, or the fact that they may have been in jail/prison in the past, been an addict or alcoholic - walk away. Your partner needs to be open to discussion about things in their past that could affect your life with them.
Imma say I don't agree completely - I suffer from severe PTSD and am open about the general "What happened" - but everything else is too painful for me to talk about, that's something I only speak out about in therapy. Some things are okay to keep to yourself, as long as it doesn't affect the partnership and honest communication
Astrology.
I think astrology is a load of bunkum, and I'm sure my fellow Capricorns would agree with me
Lots of exes and all of them being irredeemable people, never any mutual break ups or "I just didn't really feel compatible with them."
Poor money management skills. Like having an income that can support a domestic driving vacation once a year, but then throwing down 4 months rent on an international vacation and putting it on credit cards?
I went on a date with a chick, and she was telling me about her 3 week vacation to SE Asia. The flight alone would have been a months rent, let alone all the other costs. Then she drops "I had to max two credit cards, but it was worth it!"
I would have stiffed her with the bill after that. Instead I went to the bathroom a short while later, paid my half of the bill, tipped generously, and left.
I am not a sugar daddy, I do not want to be a sugar daddy, and money is probably like the 3rd or 4th most important thing to a functioning happy household.
Credit Card Debt.
Depends on the debt, and how they're managing it. Credit cards are great for emergencies. If they had an emergency - vet bill, emergency plumber, etc, and paid with a credit card, and are slowly paying it off, that's completely different to constantly increasing debt due to a shopping addiction.
Am missing a major one here. When all their exes are creeps/ idiots/ liars/ whores/ selfish/ etc.. It's never THEIR fault the relationship ended.
I like the saying, if you smell dog s**t everywhere you go, then maybe check the bottom of your shoes!
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Am missing a major one here. When all their exes are creeps/ idiots/ liars/ whores/ selfish/ etc.. It's never THEIR fault the relationship ended.
I like the saying, if you smell dog s**t everywhere you go, then maybe check the bottom of your shoes!
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