“I’ve Cremated All My Relatives Against Their Wishes”: 40 Dark Secrets People Are Keeping
Interview
Truth or dare. Truth? Okay, tell me your deepest, darkest secret!
I remember sweating through every middle school party praying that I wouldn’t be asked to reveal anything too embarrassing or life-altering. In hindsight, I’m not sure what I was so scared of because 12-year-old me didn't have any juicy secrets.
I have since learned, however, that many people in this world actually do cling onto deep, dark secrets, some of which have recently been revealed on Reddit. Below, you’ll find a variety of shocking admissions, as well as conversations with the woman who started this conversation and the hosts of the Deep Dark Secrets podcast. So get out your popcorn, enjoy reading through, and be sure to upvote the secrets you’re glad aren’t your own!
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I was pregnant at 18 by my father. No one in my life knows. I moved away. I went into labour at 37 weeks. She was perfect. She just didn't breathe. They tried for ages. In the end, they put her in my arms and said there was nothing they could do.
Throughout my whole pregnancy, I wondered how I could possibly love her given how she came to be. I was so alone and confused. I wished her away on more than one occasion, and then it happened. It hurts, so very much every day. It's been 29 years, and it still hurts every day.
I've never had another child. It's the price I pay for wishing her away.
Bless your heart. You didn't cause that. I'm so sorry for every single little piece of this story.
I inherited a butt ton of money and haven't told anyone for years. I have lived very modestly but one day I plan on completely disappearing to my countryside house where no one will find me.
To learn more about how this conversation started in the first place, we reached out to Reddit user AaneMeg, who posed the question, “What is your darkest secret?” She was kind enough to have a chat with us about what inspired her to ask about others’ secrets. “I believe Reddit is a very safe place to anonymously share something that you are not comfortable sharing with your face on it,” the OP shared.
“Most of us, if not all, have something which we are not comfortable letting the world know about, something that we have kept locked deep down,” AaneMeg continued. “But those secrets are also something that bother us. We are social beings and we like to share. We like to gossip. Sharing makes us feel light. So, the idea behind this question was to give people a platform to share that suppressed feeling and maybe feel a little better about themselves.”
I love my dogs more than I love my close family and I prefer to spend time with my dogs instead of my family
I jate to admit this but my dog and mom died within a week of each other and I miss my dog more.
You are not alone. My mom died and I could not cry or grieve and went back to ny uni finals. My soul dog died and I was a mess for months. There is no grief shaming.
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You didn't pick your family, you picked your dogs. That goes without saying. If you didn't love the little beings that you picked more than life than why would you? Bless your heart
You mean you don't pick your spouse, don't choose to have (or not) kids?
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It would be more weird if you didn’t. Dogs rock, family is annoying.
I loved all of my dogs more than my father. Maybe because he is a jerk. It changed when i had kids. Still i say my dog is my 3rd child. But i love my kids a lot more. But everyone else related to me comes long after my dog.
I'd rather hang with my cats than people, and I make no secret of it! 😅✌🏻
I remember saying to a group of ppl older than me (in their 60's, me late 20's at the time) that I loved my dog more than I loved my boyfriend. They were all shocked. I mean, we don't have to marry every boy we go out with!
I've never grieved over the loss of a relative like I still do over the loss of my sweet Mia. A shelter dog who was in my (our) life every single day for 14 years. She is always missed. I can't express the sadness enough to make my point. She left one big ole' hole in my heart. Can't seem to fill it. I can put it this way. The pain, hurt, and loss will be with me til I cross the rainbow bridge and I wouldn't have missed having her on my life for anything else on this planet.
I understand. Your dogs have never lied to you, put you down, shamed you. All they have done and ever will do is love you unconditionally. They are loyal, they are the best creatures God ever made. You are normal.
With the exception of my late mother this is exactly how I felt and still do now I have no living family and just one RL friend 😊
You're more normal than you think. Many people feel that way. Dogs give us unconditional love.
I cried more when I had to put my dog down than I did when some of my family members died. I think it was because my family members were sick and knew they were going to pass away. With my dog it was because I was the one causing him to pass away.
If you love your family a lot, happening to love dogs even more is not a problem. If you don't love your family much, how you feel about dogs is not the problem.
My mum was/is an alcoholic with schizophrenia. She was pretty abusive to my dad and me. My dad died from terminal cancer but once when he was ill when I was 18 I came downstairs after hearing shouting to see him sobbing on the floor begging her to stop screaming at him.
It was only the 2nd time I'd ever seen my dad cry, all the abuse and I'd never seen him breakdown. Something snapped and lets just say I got physical with her which culminated in me whispering in her ear that if she so much as raised her voice at him again she'd leave in a body bag. I think she knew I was serious as she cut most of her s**t out.
We also asked the OP if she could share any of her own secrets with us. “This is a dark secret that I haven't shared with anyone yet: I hate my father and the sole reason for that is his indefinitely towards my mother,” she told Bored Panda. “He has cheated on her on multiple occasions and he doesn't feel remorse. I look after him and my mother, as they are old now, but deep inside, I hate him like hell.”
And while AaneMeg says not everyone has a dark secret, she believes that most of us certainly do. “Our dark secrets are not always bad, or embarrassing, or even criminal. It's just something that we are not comfortable sharing, maybe because of our cultural upbringing, our morals, and our personality,” she noted. “And I believe most of us have at least something like that which we don't feel comfortable talking about.”
I got my first bf when I was 19. He was also 19. The relationship was incredibly toxic and abusive --the level of "I'm not allowed to pick my clothes or friends or classes without his consent" kind of abusive. Later on, he would throw furniture at me, try to break my arm with his bare hands, threaten to kill himself if I left, kidnap my dog, and stand in front of my car so I couldn't leave.
I was trapped for 2.5 years. During that time, I was falsely accused of having a sexual relationship with my co-coach who was 45 at the time, when in reality, my bf was cheating on me.
So when he wanted to lose weight, I told him I would cook for him. What he thought were healthy, chocolate protein shakes were actually full fat, chocolate shakes with about a cup of added sugar per serving (plus protein powder). He gained 40+ lbs over a year.
I want to feel bad about it but I had to call the cops on him for domestic abuse. So I don't.
My dad was an awful d******d, so when I was 16 I reported his endless list of s**t to the police. To this day he thinks his ex-wife snitched on him. He still doesn't know that his daughter reported him. -Edit: So many were asking what he did, and if he was sentenced. I won't list everything, some are scattered in the comments, but here are a few (a lot of then I will keyword because I can't bring myself to actually go into detail, I hope you understand) "Accidental" vehicular homicide; child kidnapping (he forced me and my sister to move to a different country away from out family); forcing me and my sister to work on our "family" restaurant for no money, 10hrs a day; tax evasion; scamming over 250k, grooming, overstepping child/father boundaries (i won't go into detail. I'm sorry.) For this he got 23 years without parole
We were also curious what the OP thought about the responses to her post. “I was surprised by some, laughed my heart out on a few, and was completely horrified by others. It was a mixed bag,” she shared, noting that it’s too difficult to choose one that was her favorite.
“But there was a comment where a person had accidentally mixed up all the ashes of dead people in multiple urns and scooped them from the floor,” AaneMeg noted. “Then just randomly placed those ashes in the urns and didn't talk about it. I was really interested in that post and also concerned about those urns and their contents. From where I come, the remains of our dead ones are taken very seriously. We hold it very sacred. If something like this happened and we came to know about it, we would be pretty disheartened. We forever would be feeling that we didn't send off our beloved person with love.”
I ran over a woman as she was crossing the road with her child when I was 18 years old. They both died. It was 5 am and foggy and I did not see them.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not hear the noise and remember the smell and it has been nearly 34 years. I don't share this with people but I live with the fact that I ruined a family each and every day.
I called dcyf on a friend and her kids eventually were removed from her home. Still doesn't know it was me.
The OP also shared that some posts discussing family issues were relatable to her. “I found many people in my situation,” she told Bored Panda. “Until now, I thought I was the only one struggling in that aspect. But there are hundreds of people like me, and weirdly enough, it made me feel better.”
“All of us are entitled to keep secrets,” AaneMeg added. “Sure, some of those secrets can be pretty damning, but not keeping one is a sure shot to feeling transparent or feeling judged. So, yeah, in my opinion, I think it is a pretty healthy thing to do. Of course, only if you are comfortable doing that.”
I’m a 36 year old straight bearded man.
I love Sailor Moon. Nostalgic af and I’m emabarassed by it.
When I was 33, my father died. My mother had passed a year earlier. A few days after his death I was in his closet just looking at stuff, thinking about what to do with everything. I saw an old jacket that I had never seen my father west. I tried it on but it was way too small. That means it would’ve been too small for my dad too. I put my hand in the inside pocket and found a roll of $20 bills. $680 total. Then I reached in the other pocket and found a note with a life insurance policy number and a name and phone number. My father told me he didn’t have life insurance before he passed so I wondered if it was an old policy. I called the number, and it was the agent that sold him the policy. He told me there were three benificiarirs and it’s still valid. It was worth 300,00$ to be split equally three ways between my brother, me and Valeria. I have no idea who Valeria is. I took my 100k my bro got his 100k and I guess Valeria got hers. I like to think she was a beautiful women that rocked my dads world in his final year on earth
To learn more about the dark secrets people hold onto, we also reached out to a couple of experts on the topic, hosts of the Deep Dark Secrets Podcast, LaDonna and Alecia. “I believe everyone has (or has had) a dark secret at some point in their life,” LaDonna shared, noting that she believes it’s unhealthy to keep deep dark secrets. “In my opinion, those kinds of secrets create a state of stress and anxiety and leave you feeling either depressed, anxious, or overly negative.”
“I believe everybody has secrets, and a select few people have truly dark secrets,” Alecia chimed in. “I believe that what most people would label a ‘dark’ secret is probably just something that brings them shame. Like when you have lied about something, or you have a flaw or shortcoming that you'd rather not discuss with others. To me, a secret isn't truly dark unless it has to do with harming another person.”
Male.
I've been selling my foot pics and videos pretending to be female for years.
My wife thinks I take super long showers because I'm jerking off. I'm not (usually). Most of the time I'm sitting in a cold shower trying to wash off my anxiety. Doesn't usually work.
We were also curious what kinds of dark secrets get revealed on LaDonna and Alecia’s show. “Our podcast shines a light in some very dark places,” LaDonna told Bored Panda. “Our first season is covering the world of death fetish forums and related murders. Honestly, I think the entire season (every episode) is shocking. We are covering stories about (primarily) men who glorify the abduction, torture, rape and murder of young women. All of the stories are horrific, but I find the stories about necrophilia and cannibalism among the most shocking. My favorite kind of story this season is when the bad guy (a death fetish predator) is arrested and convicted for his heinous crimes.”
Not so much now, but when I was younger, I wished that my severely disabled little brother was never born/normal. I love my little brother, I really do and I feel awful that I have these thoughts. But the way he is completely altered my life and my entire family. He will always need to be taken care of and all plans must work around him. When my parents pass, it will be my sister and I who take care of him. It's not his fault but I would sometimes resent him. Never told anyone because of the guilt I feel.
I feel nothing. Always. Every emotion is faked. The “love” for my wife, the “love” for my kids. The “caring” about my friends. The ”effort” I put in at my my place of employment as a supervisor. It’s all to fit in. It’s all a show. Of course, they all will never know that. Ever. Especially my family. I would never leave them or want them to know my lack of feelings because I know it would crush them. So every day, I keep on keeping on.
"because I know it would crush them." Said everything: you love them, only in your own way. Sentiments are complicated and each of us experiment them in different ways
“Our podcast, Deep Dark Secrets, covers the most depraved secrets of humanity,” Alecia shared. “We are currently focused on an online community in the deep and dark web that gain sexual gratification from watching women be raped, abused, tortured, and murdered. Much like the reddit thread you had referenced, there are thousands of people, mostly men, online who are sexually aroused by the idea of killing a woman, and having control of her corpse. I find this fetish/obsession to be extremely shocking and disturbing.”
How many times a day that I wish I would die. Depression is a absolute c**t.
I am fairly certain that a medication I took for 6 months about 12 years ago is responsible.
Don't sic the admins on me. I keep on keeping on .
My survival rate for my bad days is 100%
Edit. The Medication was Chantix. And Wow the support I have gotten. Thank you and I love you.
Chantix really does screw with your brain. The dreams are wild. I was warned and prepared and still made me feel crazy for a bit.
My grandpa showed me a picture of a family reunion from back in the 70s. He pointed out this fat cat looking guy and told me that it was his cousin from New York. He said he would show up to these reunions and shower everyone in gifts. I googled the name and turns out that that guy was in the Mafia and had a very large part in a historic moment for organized crime.
We also asked the hosts if they believe dark secrets should be brought to light. “I think deep dark secrets that surround murder and other horrific crimes should definitely be brought to the light,” LaDonna shared. “I've spent my entire life fighting for justice, and to me, justice can't be served if a deep dark secret is kept hidden.”
“If someone's dark secret is putting other people in danger of physical harm, I absolutely think It should be brought to light,” Alecia says.
Not me but a family member.. she denies it still but I know the truth. I watched it happen. She was maybe 10 at the time.
She set a park amphitheater on fire. Decided she didn't want to go to jail so she found a cup in the trash and ran back and forth from the pond trying to put this massive fire out. Fire department showed up and saw her doing that. She got to ride home in the fire truck and they gave her an award for community action or something along those lines.
One summer, I fell in love with my cousin when I (M) was 13 and she was 14. During her visit, she kissed me. I said we couldn't do that again and she agreed. But she added that she was glad that we kissed at least once. Nothing else physical ever happened between us.
We still see each other sometimes now. And every time we're together, I wish she could've been *anybody else's* cousin. Just not my cousin. She once told me outright that she wishes the same thing.
She brings her husband to family reunions, of course. He and I look alike, have the same hobbies, share the same sense of humor, etc. But so far, nobody seems to have noticed that she married my clone.
I asked her about that once. She said she really does love him and she loves her marriage. But she added "He was the next best thing."
LaDonna also pointed out that it’s important to clearly define what a deep dark secret is. “I feel like that definition could be different for each of us,” she told Bored Panda. “For me, a deep dark secret is horrific -- something as I said earlier that involves murder and other horrific crimes. I do not think, however, that a deep dark secret includes romantic attraction, sexual preferences, or mental health problems. Our podcast is advocacy focused, which means we are fighting to make a difference on behalf of victims who have been raped, tortured, abused and murdered. It is our goal to make a difference and stop those deep dark secrets (like death fetish) that often turn deadly.”
If you’d like to listen to some episodes of the Deep Dark Secrets podcast, you can find their website right here, their Facebook page right here, and their Instagram right here!
Every time someone talks positively about their parents I feel an unavoidable deep sinking pain in my chest. I feel just short of hateful. I feel jealous, but mostly I feel pain. It’s always been this way. I’m in therapy, I have been for years, but lately I’m starting to feel like I’ll never get over the abuse and neglect and ongoing aloof victim b******t they each pull in their respective way. I’m exhausted from wanting to be loved and seen by people I know are not capable of that at all.
I think about running away from my life almost daily. Not because it’s bad but just because I’m bored and think this can’t be all there is to it.
I've cremated all my relatives against their wishes. Burial is just too much man.
I'm secretly attracted to a guy at work. I'm a completely straight male. But whenever I see him get the butterflies. I'm married and have a wife. He's just kinda cute.
I once was involved in a university black market where they handed me out past exam papers because our professor never hands out one for us to practice. I studied them with a friend of mine.
A week after, it was the exact same exam word for word. Only the year changed. I memorized the answers off by heart. I finished in 45 mins, f****d around and pretended to think for 2 more hours to avoid getting caught.
I got a 95% in an engineering exam with a poker face.
I worked in a crematorium in the late 80's. We had a shelf in the back that we stored cheap plastic urns on. One night as I was sitting and waiting for one cremation to finish there was a loud crash that scared the sh*t out of me. When I went back to look the shelf had collapsed. I ended up just scooping the ashes back into the containers but never told anyone about it.
When I was 10 I saw a man stab his girlfriend at a rest stop and I pretended not to see anything
About 16 years ago, my parents (51 M/49 F at the time) got a divorce because my mother turned out to be cheating on my father with a 15 year old she had met in church.
Once the divorce was finalized, my father began to date his biological cousin and almost married her. This is the TL:DR version of what happened but it was a whirlwind of WTF moments for about 3 years as everything came out.
To this day, they act like nothing either of them did was wrong.
I’m a guy and I enjoy wearing ladies underwear.
I love my wife dearly, but she's one of the least intelligent people I know. She struggles with very very basic things. Her whole family does. She's from a small town and wasn't exposed to a lot by her parents and their simple lifestyle.
She's said a few things that maybe some people would find cute for how ignorant they were, but I just get a little more depressed every time.
So I am curious why you thought you'd be a good match? Surely she didn't lose IQ points after the wedding...
For the past 9 years, I've been squirreling away money on offshore accounts. Just in case s**t hits the fan, I have something to start with a new life.
Offshore can just disappear and it's lost forever. Just ask the Swiss and the Nazis. Make sure you have something tangible as well for a scram bag. All it takes is one computer error changing an account number from I to 1 and the money is gone. Panama papers also showed the offshore can also just take your assets and run and there's no way to get it back.
I started hooking up with one of my closest friend’s ex not even a month after they broke up. It turned into semi dating and I even attended her mom and step dad’s small wedding. He would always complain that she wouldn’t do things in bed but she was an absolute freak with me and while that made me feel even more guilty it was also hot as f**k
She had him blocked on everything (related to the break up, he was no saint) and even after she moved back to South Korea and we ended things amicably I got ahold of his phone when he was drunk one night and blocked her from his social media just incase she ever decides to reach back out
It’s been 8 years and nobody knows
My parents' lives have been difficult, whenever they call they just tell me it's hard that they want to die. I'm an only child. One time they called and shared the same stuff, I told them I was feeling the same way and would like to end things too (like let's die together then). My current partner doesn't know about this.
Edit: I am a bubbly person who's living solo, away from my parents since I might go insane if I stay with them. Sadly, they can still affect my well-being by one single call
They sound absolutely horrible. What parent says that to their child? Tell them you wont talk to them again until they have seen a therapist for x amount of time.
For almost 10 years and still going (Im 23) I love to bite and pick at the skin of my cheeks and inside of my lip until it bleeds. And when it starts healing i chew off the scab and gnaw on it until it dissipates. I've looked into this and everywhere i read it's a stress/anxiety coping mechanism as well as a repetitive body disfunction. Anyone else here ruins their lips
I have a tendency to pick at the dry skin at my lips. I've gotten better by: recognizing I am getting rid of healthy skin every time I do this, using less drying Chapsticks (Clinique superbalm or eos have worked for me), using breathing techniques instead of picking, and practicing being gentle. I remind myself it's ok, you can leave it. Be kind to yourself ❤️
This is my darkest secret, i mixed a strong laxative in the juice of an obnoxious c**t of my class who got my whole day of college attendance cancelled because i didn't contribute in the crowdfunding for the birthday of our head of department. I was broke af was the reason.
Not my deepest secret, but a card I keep pretty close to my chest:
Nearly every week of my life since age 19, I've had a vivid dream about my high school girlfriend.
I'm 47 now.
I nearly killed my brother accidentally. When we were kids, we were playing outside and he just kinda annoyed me. So I went home, got a can of peas, and then proceed to throw it at his head. He crumpled and was unconscious for a bit. I remember freaking out that maybe I killed him but he came to several minutes later. To this day, almost 19 years later, he doesn’t remember anything, and he doesn’t seem to have any neurological problems, he seems normal. I haven’t told anyone this, not even my parents. I just told them he fell and hit his head when they noticed the lump on his head, but didn’t mention that he was unconscious.
I fell in love with a married man when I was in college. I have never told anyone and as far as I know his wife never found out. He passed away a few years ago from a heart attack. After we ended our affair I cut off all contact with him and he moved to another state. I didn't attend the funeral but I still grieve for him. Even though it was wrong I still love him.
I fell in love with my brothers wife a few years ago, they're separated now but I never even seriously thought about making a move. I have a girlfriend now and even the thought of one of my brothers being into her makes me angry. I never would have made a move, but that thought seriously puts things into perspective on how uncool it was for me to think about her like that. I think about and regret it a lot.
You can't control feelings. It sounds like you did control your actions, so I see nothing to feel regretful of. I still wouldn't tell my brother if I were you, but you shouldn't need to carry any guilt or regret.
I had a drunken argument with my travelling buddy when in Asia together years ago... She became physical and started shoving me around, became incredibly intimidating, screaming in my face etc. I left the bar we were at and went back to our hostel room ... I was so annoyed at her I scrubbed the unsanitary Asian toilet in our room with her toothbrush....
Despite my horror on realising what I had done in the morning, I didn't tell her.
She came down with the worst D+V the evening after.... Ended up on a drip in some tourist hospital. Was in said hospital for about 3 days... Whoops.
I’m not in love with my wife anymore but can’t leave because of the kids.
Edit: I’m in love with her sister. Who is also in an unhappy relationship
I did a favor for an organized crime figure in the 90’s.
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hold on, i gotta pick up my jaw after reading these posts
I'm 50 yo...about 16 stone..beard..work in construction..happily married with 3 kids....on Saturday nights I watch strictly come dancing with my wife..religiously...
I caretake my 92 year old parents, with the help of paid caregivers. Mom is quiet and easy. Dad is in the grip of severe, broad-spectrum dementia. He won't do anything anyone tells him to, just because he was told to do it. Like let's change your clothes, they're covered in pee or poop. No you can't use a chair because we locked up the ladders. Use your walker, Drink more fluids, wear your hearing aids, put in your teeth, don't turn off all the lights and TV just because you want to go to bed at 815p. He has no concept of personal bodily safety and is frequently falling. If anyone (except my brother) tries to insist, he gets mad and starts swinging. Every night I hope he goes to sleep and doesn't wake up. I maintain a low level high (it's legal here) and won't change my insufficient antidepressant because it's easier to feel nothing and stay numb.
Realizing that your birth is your parents' dark secret is a rough one, but that's what I had to deal with when I finally recovered my memories enough to realize that I'm intersex. They had a huge ruse going to make it seem coincidental that I was born at the only hospital for 500 miles where they "treated" intersex conditions. Spontaneously moving out to a town over a hundred miles away because of a "job opportunity" that even a cursory glance would reveal was set up by my grandfather on my mother's side. (Dad never worked in veterinary supply before or after that, and grandpa was a veterinarian.) None of my aunts or uncles ever twigged on in 40+ years.
I hate my brother. As in, "I wish he would die" kind of hate. It wasn't always this way, but since my mom died back in 2011, my brother has tried to take her place in the family dynamics (as far as being the caregiver and glue of the family) and fails miserably. Being the narcissist that he is, he can't acknowledge this failure - instead it's everyone else's fault. It's gotten to the point where I wish I could cut off all ties and disappear. (Due to health and finance issues on my part, though, I can't because I have no other safety net other than what's left of my family.) I don't like feeling this way about my brother, but I also can't stop myself.
Every day is an effort to even be alive. I wake up wishing I was 'normal' and that I didn't have ADHD, depression and anxiety, chronic fatigue (under investigation with my GP but still no known reason). I live alone, have no partner, no kids and I care for my mother who has Alzheimer's and a spinal injury. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling tired. I have intrusive thoughts about driving off a motorway bridge but I don't act on it. I just wish I had the energy to live every day and be able to work and do what I need to do. I'm just existing, not living.
I read the first few and then said 'nope' on the rest. BP, this needed a trigger warning and I'm not someone who constantly calls for trigger warnings. Or may be just don't post stuff like this at all. If we want dark (so dark), we can go to reddit ourselves. We come to BP for entertainment, not tragedy.
Personally, I come to BP to read how America and most Americans are so horrible.
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hold on, i gotta pick up my jaw after reading these posts
I'm 50 yo...about 16 stone..beard..work in construction..happily married with 3 kids....on Saturday nights I watch strictly come dancing with my wife..religiously...
I caretake my 92 year old parents, with the help of paid caregivers. Mom is quiet and easy. Dad is in the grip of severe, broad-spectrum dementia. He won't do anything anyone tells him to, just because he was told to do it. Like let's change your clothes, they're covered in pee or poop. No you can't use a chair because we locked up the ladders. Use your walker, Drink more fluids, wear your hearing aids, put in your teeth, don't turn off all the lights and TV just because you want to go to bed at 815p. He has no concept of personal bodily safety and is frequently falling. If anyone (except my brother) tries to insist, he gets mad and starts swinging. Every night I hope he goes to sleep and doesn't wake up. I maintain a low level high (it's legal here) and won't change my insufficient antidepressant because it's easier to feel nothing and stay numb.
Realizing that your birth is your parents' dark secret is a rough one, but that's what I had to deal with when I finally recovered my memories enough to realize that I'm intersex. They had a huge ruse going to make it seem coincidental that I was born at the only hospital for 500 miles where they "treated" intersex conditions. Spontaneously moving out to a town over a hundred miles away because of a "job opportunity" that even a cursory glance would reveal was set up by my grandfather on my mother's side. (Dad never worked in veterinary supply before or after that, and grandpa was a veterinarian.) None of my aunts or uncles ever twigged on in 40+ years.
I hate my brother. As in, "I wish he would die" kind of hate. It wasn't always this way, but since my mom died back in 2011, my brother has tried to take her place in the family dynamics (as far as being the caregiver and glue of the family) and fails miserably. Being the narcissist that he is, he can't acknowledge this failure - instead it's everyone else's fault. It's gotten to the point where I wish I could cut off all ties and disappear. (Due to health and finance issues on my part, though, I can't because I have no other safety net other than what's left of my family.) I don't like feeling this way about my brother, but I also can't stop myself.
Every day is an effort to even be alive. I wake up wishing I was 'normal' and that I didn't have ADHD, depression and anxiety, chronic fatigue (under investigation with my GP but still no known reason). I live alone, have no partner, no kids and I care for my mother who has Alzheimer's and a spinal injury. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of feeling tired. I have intrusive thoughts about driving off a motorway bridge but I don't act on it. I just wish I had the energy to live every day and be able to work and do what I need to do. I'm just existing, not living.
I read the first few and then said 'nope' on the rest. BP, this needed a trigger warning and I'm not someone who constantly calls for trigger warnings. Or may be just don't post stuff like this at all. If we want dark (so dark), we can go to reddit ourselves. We come to BP for entertainment, not tragedy.
Personally, I come to BP to read how America and most Americans are so horrible.
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