Woman Finds A Clever Way To Shut Down MIL Who Insists To Be Present At The Birth Of Her Grandkid
Interview With Expert
We have another story about a disagreement between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law for you today, pandas. Although those are never scarce, this one has an interesting twist. What do you do when your mother-in-law requests you let her be in the delivery room while you give birth? This daughter-in-law didn’t feel comfortable with that, so she suggested a couple of alternatives to that situation.
Redditor ReadyPreparation5472 went to get the opinion of netizens on the AITAH subreddit. She wanted to know whether her ultimatum to her husband was appropriate or veered into AH territory. If you’re intrigued, read the entire story below!
Bored Panda reached out to Becca Maberly who is a South West London-based pregnancy and post-natal expert. Becca is the founder of A Mother Place, a space of support and encouragement for mothers and mothers-to-be as well. She’s also the author of ‘Nobody Tells You: 100 Truths about Pregnancy, Birth and Beyond’.
Becca agreed to tell us more about how future mothers should approach other people’s demands who wish to be in the delivery room.
More info: A Mother Place | Instagram | Antenatal/Prenatal Courses at A Mother Place
Giving birth is a beautiful thing, but it is also a medical procedure, not a public event
Image credits: Amina Filkins (not the actual photo)
A woman came up with an interesting trade-off for her MIL to be in the delivery room when the baby comes
Image credits: Kindel Media (not the actual photo)
Image source: ReadyPreparation5472
Only the people a mother feels comfortable with should be present during birth
Image credits: Jonathan Borba (not the actual photo)
There are a lot of anxieties and worries that a pregnant mother already has. Worrying about other people’s demands shouldn’t be one of them. Pregnancy and post-natal expert Becca Maberly says that the final months of a pregnancy can be especially stressful.
“The lead-up to your birth can be such a nerve-wracking time, and being able to prepare for this event with confidence and peace of mind is very important,” she tells Bored Panda.
Maberly says that already a lot of things are out of the pregnant mother’s hands during birth. That’s why it’s so important for the mother to feel that she can at least control some things.
That can include things like where she is giving birth and whether she wants skin-to-skin contact with the baby. Who is present in the delivery room is one of those decisions the mother should be able to make.
“Many women choose to just have their partners at their birth,” Maberly observes. “Some choose an alternative or additional birth partner, perhaps a friend or relative. But this has to be someone that they feel comfortable having in the room for one of the most momentous experiences of their life.”
The pregnancy expert is firm in her opinion that people who don’t make the mother comfortable shouldn’t be present during birth. “If this person is NOT your mother-in-law then you have every right to keep her from entering the delivery suite!”
How to let your mother-in-law know she’s not welcome in the delivery room?
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual photo)
The best thing an expecting mother can do is establish boundaries and hope the mother-in-law will respect them. “I would simply explain that the birth is a very personal and private affair and that you would feel most relaxed if it was just your husband there with you,” Becca Maberly advises.
“I would mention that you are feeling nervous about all the unknowns and you are therefore trying to control as many elements as possible so that you can make the environment as calm and controlled as possible.”
Maberly recommends explaining firmly but gently that the mother would like it to be an intimate experience with just two people — her and her husband. The pregnant mother can also offer the MIL a carrot. “Let her know you will call her as soon as you are ready for her to come and meet her grandchild,” the expert says.
For mothers who are unafraid of being a little sneaky, Maberly has an alternative suggestion. “As a last resort, tell your mother-in-law that since COVID-19, the hospitals have changed their policies and you are only allowed one birth partner!” That would probably include just the husband, so no MIL in the delivery room!
What if your husband is pressuring you to give in to the mother-in-law’s demands?
Image credits: Jonathan Borba (not the actual photo)
In some cases, husbands might try to defuse the situation by asking their wives to humor their mothers. But our expert says that the mother-to-be should put herself first.
“I would stand your ground and explain that having someone you do not want in the delivery room could make you more stressed and nervous,” Maberly says. “This may compromise the release of oxytocin which may in turn lead to a longer birth. Surely, he doesn’t want to be in the hospital any longer than he has to be?”
Maberly offers one more strategy for pregnant women to use to persuade their husbands. “Perhaps also explain that birthing women often use foul language in the final stages of labor and you would not want his lovely mum to hear that!”
Maberly reiterates her point once more: “Unless requested to be there, mothers-in-law should stay well away from the hospital!”
The mother-to-be answered some questions in the comments
The general consensus in the comments was NTA
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. And I know the likelihood of something going wrong is generally low, you want as few people in the room getting in the way if s**t does hit the fan and the medical staff need to get in there asap.
Exactly! I don’t get the people saying YTA. If you simplify the absolute hell out of it, it’s a medical procedure where she needs to be nude from at least the waist down. MIL is kind of creepy for insisting on being a spectator.
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Even if the MIL wasn't a witch and they had a great relationship, it's still okay for her to say no. It's so weird to want to see that.
Mine showed up in the delivery room. Hubby was too scared to kick her out. 5 years later, I'm still pissed about it.
When it comes time to have the baby, just go on in to the hospital and don’t say a thing to anyone until after it’s all done
THIS! Tell the rest of the family when the baby is here. All the people who can't be in the room for the birth are only going to be hanging around in a waiting room for what is most likely going to be many, many hours anyway. For what? To be the first to see the baby? Doesn't mean a thing. Baby won't know or care. Let the new family members have some time to themselves. Be considerate. You can see mum and baby when she has had a chance to rest from the ordeal. That's more the norm in the UK anyway.
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Giving birth is not a circus performance. It's a difficult, painful, and potentially dangerous process, and only the woman giving birth gets to decide who she wants to be there. That one commentator saying YTA is naive af. The old bag obviously feels entitled to be there, she won't take a simple no as an answer.
This always annoys me to no end. People in such stories, just like here too, have already repeatedly said no courteously again and again but those entitled idiots don't let go and keep hassling them. That's why they eventually get more drastic. But the thing is, nasty, entitled people always whine the people they were harassing could have just said no or given them a reasonable explanation after rejecting and invalidating lots of very valid explanations repeatedly.
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Just ask her if she wants to join you in the loo next time you poop. Just say it’s a preview of the upcoming event.
I was going to suggest that the cursing wasn't going to possibly the worst thing to happen during delivery.
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Hu, I've done the opposite thing - I invited my father to be my "plus one" and it was not weird at all, he was overjoyed ("best present ever"). Reasons: - my father was not allowed to be present at the births of his own 3 kids though he expressively wanted (1970-ies/G.D.R.) - he's excellent in supporting/ calming me down stuff - my partner was already present at the first 2 births and had to work at exactly this week, just managed to drive me to hospital (no, he couldn't change that).// It ended as an emergency C-section, I'm curious but there's a *ucking screen between me and child, so I asked my dad "please comment like a sports commenter what's going on there" so he did. 😍 PS: the OP is totally right for not allowing her MIL near her
When I requested the comment my dad had to move to the "action side of the screen", the old, experienced surgeon took a look at my dad "Do I know you? You look familiar. Doc?" Dad: "Kripo (criminal investigator.)" Old doc to surgeon "Ah, we've done autopsies together! He can watch, he won't faint."
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There is a lifetime to be with a child, there is not need to be there when the child is being pushed out of the mother. As many said, giving birth is NOT a spectator's sport. Let the mother and the drs do their thing. Everyone else, hang out in the waiting room.
Or wait at home where you're not in the way unless you've been specifically asked to be there. Hospitals are busy places that don't need clogging up with a load of extended family. There is no real benefit in hanging around in a waiting room, not knowing exactly when the baby will arrive. Also, why not allow the parents and any existing children a chance to bond as a new/changed family. What do the extended members have to be there for immediately? Let the new mother and baby have a chance to recuperate from the birth. Too many inconsiderate people thinking purely of themselves.
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Nobody needs to justify not wanting somebody to look at their p*ssy.
I had 2 pregnancies where I knew once born - they would die (unfixable abnormalities)… I wanted my mother there so she could meet them before they passed but still asked her to leave the room as I was delivering cause ya know - don’t want mom seeing that and it’s a private moment… she understood completely and was invited back in immediately after I was covered to meet her grandchildren before they passed!
The only person who gets to decide who is in the delivery room is the person giving birth. Period. If she tries to show up and manipulate her way in, a quick word to the nurse and she'd be kicked out faster than you can blink.
I love the waxing suggestion, it could have been such a bonding experience! You could have helped her pick out the design and everything! Of my eight grandcritters, I've been present, as requested at all but one birth. I missed my last one because she was born before I could get to town. Some couples are fine with family being there during, and I would have 100% stayed in the waiting room if requested but I was wanted there for emotional support. I totally get it if someone doesn't want anyone other than their SO in the delivery room. It wasn't an option when I had my kids, although my husband was allowed. Whoever is giving birth has the final say in everything.
Not sure about the UK, but where I'm from, if you tell the staff you don't want someone in the room while you're giving birth, those people will NOT be in the room - even the father if you say so. Anyone who tries to barge in will be removed immediately, the hard way if necessary. My daughter wanted me to be with her when she gave birth, but she went into labour 1 week after the Covid lockdown, and she was lucky that her husband got to be with her!
UK - only people you are happy with. There tends to be rules about how many but these can vary depending on the hospital. One or two birthing partners tends to be the norm (partner, mother or a professional birthing partner). The rest? Can all stay at home until they're called.
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Be sure the docs know you don't want MIL. In there. The decision is ultimately up to you who you're comfortable with being in the room, and they will keep out anyone you want kept out. Tell hubby he won't be allowed in either if he doesn't back you up on this.
My daughter was pregnant, and she was about 7 months and we talked. And she kind of brought up if I wanted to be in the room during the delivery. I said absolutely not! That is a time for you and your finance, I will be there for you during labor, and help you any way I can but I believe the delivery should be just for the parents! She was so happy because she thought I wanted to be in the room, and she didn't know how she was going to tell me that she wanted it to just be the two of them and the nurses and doctors. Even her soon to be mother in law thought I was going to be in the room. So she had the baby around 10:30 at night. Gave them their skin to skin time, and her finance called me and said I could come up. You have to respect what the parents want!
She's not your mum,so she does get to see you give birth. Her own daughter's didn't want in the delivery room, that says everything to me. Tell your husband why should you expect to let his mum see you at such a vulnerable position when his own sisters didn't let their own mum in the room. If anyone's mum was going to be there it would be yours because she'd be there for support and not because she feels she's entitled to be at the birth.
People need to learn that no is a complete sentence, you are not obligated to give her an explanation, nothing, tell her no and that's it!!! People need to grow a damn backbone
Easy peasy. Just don't tell MIL when you go into labour. Inform her AFTER the baby is born. And inform your husband that if he says one word to her about it, that he, too, will be banned from the delivery room. I would NOT put up with my MIL in the delivery room. My goodness!
Did YOUR mil come to my husband's birth? You weren't invited to the conception, you're not invited to the birth. If I had given birth, the father would of course have been invited, and I might have wanted MY mommy, who gave birth to me, and my beloved mil would have been invited, possibly to take care of him.
NTA at all! Your body, your rule. Be sure to tell the entire medical staff AND put it in writing that you do not want anyone but your husband in the room with you and the medical staff. Also make sure the Admitting department knows to not give out any information about whether you're a patient or what room you're in. I work in a hospital and many labor & delivery units have locked doors so unwanted "visitors" cannot enter. Tell hubby that he is not to tell anyone that you're in labor because that will definitely get back to MIL. So sorry you have to deal with this.
I got to see my sister's boy born, in all its glory. Difference is, I was wanted and invited. PS: her hubby was there too, but I was her labor coach. When I went to go find the family to tell them afterwards, I opened the door to find them there, listening. Lol
Judgemental MIL isn't getting into the delivery room; the L&D team will see to that. If Hubby is stupid enough to try and override his wife's conditions, he deserves to sit in the waiting room with his mommy. Why should anyone be stressed out during the most vulnerable time of their life by the presence of someone who disapproves of them?
Giving birth is not a spectator sport. And I know the likelihood of something going wrong is generally low, you want as few people in the room getting in the way if s**t does hit the fan and the medical staff need to get in there asap.
Exactly! I don’t get the people saying YTA. If you simplify the absolute hell out of it, it’s a medical procedure where she needs to be nude from at least the waist down. MIL is kind of creepy for insisting on being a spectator.
Load More Replies... Even if the MIL wasn't a witch and they had a great relationship, it's still okay for her to say no. It's so weird to want to see that.
Mine showed up in the delivery room. Hubby was too scared to kick her out. 5 years later, I'm still pissed about it.
When it comes time to have the baby, just go on in to the hospital and don’t say a thing to anyone until after it’s all done
THIS! Tell the rest of the family when the baby is here. All the people who can't be in the room for the birth are only going to be hanging around in a waiting room for what is most likely going to be many, many hours anyway. For what? To be the first to see the baby? Doesn't mean a thing. Baby won't know or care. Let the new family members have some time to themselves. Be considerate. You can see mum and baby when she has had a chance to rest from the ordeal. That's more the norm in the UK anyway.
Load More Replies... Giving birth is not a circus performance. It's a difficult, painful, and potentially dangerous process, and only the woman giving birth gets to decide who she wants to be there. That one commentator saying YTA is naive af. The old bag obviously feels entitled to be there, she won't take a simple no as an answer.
This always annoys me to no end. People in such stories, just like here too, have already repeatedly said no courteously again and again but those entitled idiots don't let go and keep hassling them. That's why they eventually get more drastic. But the thing is, nasty, entitled people always whine the people they were harassing could have just said no or given them a reasonable explanation after rejecting and invalidating lots of very valid explanations repeatedly.
Load More Replies... Just ask her if she wants to join you in the loo next time you poop. Just say it’s a preview of the upcoming event.
I was going to suggest that the cursing wasn't going to possibly the worst thing to happen during delivery.
Load More Replies... Hu, I've done the opposite thing - I invited my father to be my "plus one" and it was not weird at all, he was overjoyed ("best present ever"). Reasons: - my father was not allowed to be present at the births of his own 3 kids though he expressively wanted (1970-ies/G.D.R.) - he's excellent in supporting/ calming me down stuff - my partner was already present at the first 2 births and had to work at exactly this week, just managed to drive me to hospital (no, he couldn't change that).// It ended as an emergency C-section, I'm curious but there's a *ucking screen between me and child, so I asked my dad "please comment like a sports commenter what's going on there" so he did. 😍 PS: the OP is totally right for not allowing her MIL near her
When I requested the comment my dad had to move to the "action side of the screen", the old, experienced surgeon took a look at my dad "Do I know you? You look familiar. Doc?" Dad: "Kripo (criminal investigator.)" Old doc to surgeon "Ah, we've done autopsies together! He can watch, he won't faint."
Load More Replies... There is a lifetime to be with a child, there is not need to be there when the child is being pushed out of the mother. As many said, giving birth is NOT a spectator's sport. Let the mother and the drs do their thing. Everyone else, hang out in the waiting room.
Or wait at home where you're not in the way unless you've been specifically asked to be there. Hospitals are busy places that don't need clogging up with a load of extended family. There is no real benefit in hanging around in a waiting room, not knowing exactly when the baby will arrive. Also, why not allow the parents and any existing children a chance to bond as a new/changed family. What do the extended members have to be there for immediately? Let the new mother and baby have a chance to recuperate from the birth. Too many inconsiderate people thinking purely of themselves.
Load More Replies... Nobody needs to justify not wanting somebody to look at their p*ssy.
I had 2 pregnancies where I knew once born - they would die (unfixable abnormalities)… I wanted my mother there so she could meet them before they passed but still asked her to leave the room as I was delivering cause ya know - don’t want mom seeing that and it’s a private moment… she understood completely and was invited back in immediately after I was covered to meet her grandchildren before they passed!
The only person who gets to decide who is in the delivery room is the person giving birth. Period. If she tries to show up and manipulate her way in, a quick word to the nurse and she'd be kicked out faster than you can blink.
I love the waxing suggestion, it could have been such a bonding experience! You could have helped her pick out the design and everything! Of my eight grandcritters, I've been present, as requested at all but one birth. I missed my last one because she was born before I could get to town. Some couples are fine with family being there during, and I would have 100% stayed in the waiting room if requested but I was wanted there for emotional support. I totally get it if someone doesn't want anyone other than their SO in the delivery room. It wasn't an option when I had my kids, although my husband was allowed. Whoever is giving birth has the final say in everything.
Not sure about the UK, but where I'm from, if you tell the staff you don't want someone in the room while you're giving birth, those people will NOT be in the room - even the father if you say so. Anyone who tries to barge in will be removed immediately, the hard way if necessary. My daughter wanted me to be with her when she gave birth, but she went into labour 1 week after the Covid lockdown, and she was lucky that her husband got to be with her!
UK - only people you are happy with. There tends to be rules about how many but these can vary depending on the hospital. One or two birthing partners tends to be the norm (partner, mother or a professional birthing partner). The rest? Can all stay at home until they're called.
Load More Replies... Be sure the docs know you don't want MIL. In there. The decision is ultimately up to you who you're comfortable with being in the room, and they will keep out anyone you want kept out. Tell hubby he won't be allowed in either if he doesn't back you up on this.
My daughter was pregnant, and she was about 7 months and we talked. And she kind of brought up if I wanted to be in the room during the delivery. I said absolutely not! That is a time for you and your finance, I will be there for you during labor, and help you any way I can but I believe the delivery should be just for the parents! She was so happy because she thought I wanted to be in the room, and she didn't know how she was going to tell me that she wanted it to just be the two of them and the nurses and doctors. Even her soon to be mother in law thought I was going to be in the room. So she had the baby around 10:30 at night. Gave them their skin to skin time, and her finance called me and said I could come up. You have to respect what the parents want!
She's not your mum,so she does get to see you give birth. Her own daughter's didn't want in the delivery room, that says everything to me. Tell your husband why should you expect to let his mum see you at such a vulnerable position when his own sisters didn't let their own mum in the room. If anyone's mum was going to be there it would be yours because she'd be there for support and not because she feels she's entitled to be at the birth.
People need to learn that no is a complete sentence, you are not obligated to give her an explanation, nothing, tell her no and that's it!!! People need to grow a damn backbone
Easy peasy. Just don't tell MIL when you go into labour. Inform her AFTER the baby is born. And inform your husband that if he says one word to her about it, that he, too, will be banned from the delivery room. I would NOT put up with my MIL in the delivery room. My goodness!
Did YOUR mil come to my husband's birth? You weren't invited to the conception, you're not invited to the birth. If I had given birth, the father would of course have been invited, and I might have wanted MY mommy, who gave birth to me, and my beloved mil would have been invited, possibly to take care of him.
NTA at all! Your body, your rule. Be sure to tell the entire medical staff AND put it in writing that you do not want anyone but your husband in the room with you and the medical staff. Also make sure the Admitting department knows to not give out any information about whether you're a patient or what room you're in. I work in a hospital and many labor & delivery units have locked doors so unwanted "visitors" cannot enter. Tell hubby that he is not to tell anyone that you're in labor because that will definitely get back to MIL. So sorry you have to deal with this.
I got to see my sister's boy born, in all its glory. Difference is, I was wanted and invited. PS: her hubby was there too, but I was her labor coach. When I went to go find the family to tell them afterwards, I opened the door to find them there, listening. Lol
Judgemental MIL isn't getting into the delivery room; the L&D team will see to that. If Hubby is stupid enough to try and override his wife's conditions, he deserves to sit in the waiting room with his mommy. Why should anyone be stressed out during the most vulnerable time of their life by the presence of someone who disapproves of them?
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