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“I Am At Peace”: 25 Childfree People In Their 40s And 50s Share How It Really Feels
Article created by: Justinas Keturka
Some people spend their entire lives dreaming about starting a family. I had a friend in high school who already had a list of baby names saved on her phone and who would scroll through nursery inspiration on Pinterest in her free time. And being a parent can be a beautiful thing! Plus, if you’re going to bring kids into the world, you better be excited about it.But having children definitely isn’t for everyone, and if it’s not for you, it’s important to figure that out. Middle-aged adults who never started families have recently been opening up on Reddit about what it’s like to be childfree, so we’ve gathered some of their most insightful responses below. Enjoy scrolling through, whether you love your kids more than anything else in the world or you always knew that being a parent wasn’t for you. And keep reading to find a conversation with Sweta Upadhyay of the Child-Free Blog!
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#1
For a while, I was a fence-sitter. It wasn’t until 30 that I realized it was even a *choice* and not an inevitability. In U.S. culture, marriage and children are a common life script. It took time for me to acknowledge that that script isn’t a good fit for me, and it didn’t solidify until my late 30s.
For a while it was money and security, as well as environmental concerns and overpopulation. But it was also simply a lack of real desire to be a parent.
I’ve often wished we could live multiple lives so that we can try all the things, but in this life I don’t really want children. That was hard for me to grapple with in some ways because I was blessed with great parents and my mother was a fantastically caring role model. But, my biggest reason for thinking about parenthood was fear of regret. That’s not enough.
Parents should really *want* their children. This is a whole other human being you’re bringing into this world. They deserve to be wanted and loved and properly cared for. You’re responsible for them, and it might not turn out roses. Parental anxiety doesn’t magically dissipate after 18 years, either. For the rest of your life, you are a parent.
There are also a lot of physical things that can go wrong with pregnancy, especially the pregnant person—which are not talked about enough. Our society holds a very rose-colored glasses view of pregnancy as glowing and natural. It really messes with people’s bodies, not to mention post-partum mental health.
A lot of folks will argue that not having children is selfish. This is puzzling, because those same folks will say in the next breath that having children ensures you won’t die lonely. If you *need* to be a parent because that feels like your destiny and you are full of love, that’s one thing, but if you’re having children to safeguard your own future… now THAT is selfish. Not to mention the resources impact on the planet, etc etc.
If you are unhappy, parenthood won’t fix it.
If you are lonely, parenthood won’t fix it.
If you’re following a life script in a daze, trying to check all the right boxes, take a moment to examine your reasons.
If you want to be a parent, that’s great. Best of love and luck.
It’s possible to live a comfortable life full of love, while doing what you want, while taking time to give back to your community, while staying open and curious and generally living a good life, without adding parenthood into the mix.
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#3
I definitely think it was the right choice for me. Gotta be honest with myself I am a little lazy and selfish and while I think I might have been a decent dad I don't think I would have been a happy one.
#5
I just had three margaritas and am going to take a nap. Do what you will with that information.
#6
Kinda depressing, I want to be a Dad but I rather let my broken brain diseases die off with me.
#8
I never wanted kids. It was worst nightmare to have them. I did everything I could to avoid them, and I'm very happy to have done so. Now I just need my work to respect my off time and my life will be perfect. I have more spending power than everyone I know, and I can do whatever I like, and whenever I want. You could not pay me enough to have made the other choice.
#9
Can’t believe there are people claiming child-free people don’t care for the state of the only planet we call home. OF COURSE we care. We have nephews, nieces and family that will have kids that we care about deeply. I wasn’t even going to comment because I’m only 34 without kids but you weirdos with your assumptions can be annoying.
Not having kids is amazing for some and sad for others.
#10
Pretty great.
My wife turned out to be a narcissistic abuser so I divorced her.
1. No kids that would've suffered from her behavior
2. No kids that would've suffered through the divorce
I'm more than happy to be the silly, fun uncle to my brother's kids.
#12
I never once had the tingling feeling of wanting to become a parent. I simply don’t have that want/desire/responsibility to raise a child, especially in this timeline we’re living in.
Then I met my wife - who thinks the exact same way.
We both love traveling, backpacking, camping, etc. It’s freeing knowing we can get up in a split second and go.
#13
I can't even take care of myself, let alone have to take care of another living person. So I just do what I want with my life and have a great time doing it. It's pretty awesome.
#14
I'm very glad to have been a part of the lives of my brother's kids but I would have been a terrible parent myself, so it's all good.
#15
I wanted children. But my uterus decided that ejecting them would be a better idea. I sometimes grieve the idea of being a parent. Then I snap back to reality when the reality of my life makes me not fit to be a parent. I am on the disability pension for MS, I am legally blind and cannot drive and have to depend on others to do things for me. I could not provide what I feel is a fulfilling life for a child.
I get to sleep in, I get to love my cats and be the weird aunt to my niblings instead. It is what it is and I am at peace with it.
#16
As someone who has wanted to have children but has fertility issues, it’s been soul crushing. Yeah I have freedom, but the only thing worse than being disappointed myself is watching my wife struggle. Having and raising kids is all she’s ever wanted and I have been unable to give her that.
Hoping to adopt but it’s an incredibly lonely and vulnerable experience, especially if you aren’t willing to go through a religious agency.
#18
I'm happy. I love sleeping in late on Saturday mornings, not driving to tons of kids sporting events, never have to stand on the sidelines in the cold and rain, cheering on kids, driving to kids party after kids party every weekend.
I often hear parents main about preparing school lunches, which is not an issue.
Honestly, as a child I never ever dreamed of being a mother, I never played with dolls, ever. I never envisioned a time where I would have kids. I grew up in a very noisy house with way too many people crammed into a small space. My many siblings quickly had lots of kids as well, I've been surrounded by kids and spent a lot of my life looking after other people, cleaning, cooking and being a general dogs body. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I go on decent holidays, I'm free at the weekends. I love the peace and quiet. I am very happy in my own company and I have a very limited social battery. I don't believe I would have made a good parent. I do like kids but I feel I've sacrificed enough of my life looking after other people and I'm happy as I am. .
#19
After numerous miscarriages, we were in our 40s, with no children. We would both do anything to have had children. If we had a kid now, I'd be 68 when they graduated from high school.
#20
Having seen my brother and his two small children today... absolutely fine and dandy thank you.
#21
On the one hand, I seriously envy my friends who have two lovely sons who are now in high school.
On the other hand, I’m glad that I’m not my sister and Brother-in-law who have two spawns of Satan who are 4 and 6.
Edit: who would have thought that my top comment ever would be calling my nephews "spawns of satan." They're absolutely a high energy handful, and frustrating to deal with right now, but they are good kids, and I love 'em to bits. I just moderate my time with them to save my sanity.
#22
Never really wanted kids or understood why people have them. But now in my late 40s I realized that children serve as a distraction from your own existential crises. As mortality and other fears slowly become more prominent, children and their youthful energy make life more interesting and worth living. If all you have around you is aging and decay, life gets very boring and depressing.
#23
Pretty rough. I only started to feel better and come out of the sadness when I took full responsibility for choosing not to have children.
My first partner didn’t want kids until he was 40.
My first husband was abusive and irresponsible.
My boyfriends after that were non-commital.
My second husband is amazing but has kids, had the snip and felt he was too old to adopt or foster.
The reality is - I chose these partners.
I’ve got lovely adult step children and I’m an auntie and godmother. I’ve fostered rescue animals for 20 years.
It’s not the same… but you can’t always get what you want, as the song goes.
When I have feelings about it, I have to take it on the chin.
#25
Scary. I maybe have a couple of fertile years left but my partner doesn’t really want kids. I won’t know how I feel about it until it’s too late. I don’t feel ready yet I can’t imagine growing old with never having children. I wish I had more time.
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