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“I Am At Peace”: 30 Childfree People In Their 40s And 50s Share How It Really Feels
Interview With Expert
Some people spend their entire lives dreaming about starting a family. I had a friend in high school who already had a list of baby names saved on her phone and who would scroll through nursery inspiration on Pinterest in her free time. And being a parent can be a beautiful thing! Plus, if you’re going to bring kids into the world, you better be excited about it.
But having children definitely isn’t for everyone, and if it’s not for you, it’s important to figure that out. Middle-aged adults who never started families have recently been opening up on Reddit about what it’s like to be childfree, so we’ve gathered some of their most insightful responses below. Enjoy scrolling through, whether you love your kids more than anything else in the world or you always knew that being a parent wasn’t for you. And keep reading to find a conversation with Sweta Upadhyay of the Child-Free Blog!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
For a while, I was a fence-sitter. It wasn’t until 30 that I realized it was even a *choice* and not an inevitability. In U.S. culture, marriage and children are a common life script. It took time for me to acknowledge that that script isn’t a good fit for me, and it didn’t solidify until my late 30s.
For a while it was money and security, as well as environmental concerns and overpopulation. But it was also simply a lack of real desire to be a parent.
I’ve often wished we could live multiple lives so that we can try all the things, but in this life I don’t really want children. That was hard for me to grapple with in some ways because I was blessed with great parents and my mother was a fantastically caring role model. But, my biggest reason for thinking about parenthood was fear of regret. That’s not enough.
Parents should really *want* their children. This is a whole other human being you’re bringing into this world. They deserve to be wanted and loved and properly cared for. You’re responsible for them, and it might not turn out roses. Parental anxiety doesn’t magically dissipate after 18 years, either. For the rest of your life, you are a parent.
There are also a lot of physical things that can go wrong with pregnancy, especially the pregnant person—which are not talked about enough. Our society holds a very rose-colored glasses view of pregnancy as glowing and natural. It really messes with people’s bodies, not to mention post-partum mental health.
A lot of folks will argue that not having children is selfish. This is puzzling, because those same folks will say in the next breath that having children ensures you won’t die lonely. If you *need* to be a parent because that feels like your destiny and you are full of love, that’s one thing, but if you’re having children to safeguard your own future… now THAT is selfish. Not to mention the resources impact on the planet, etc etc.
If you are unhappy, parenthood won’t fix it.
If you are lonely, parenthood won’t fix it.
If you’re following a life script in a daze, trying to check all the right boxes, take a moment to examine your reasons.
If you want to be a parent, that’s great. Best of love and luck.
It’s possible to live a comfortable life full of love, while doing what you want, while taking time to give back to your community, while staying open and curious and generally living a good life, without adding parenthood into the mix.
Penguin Panda Pop 1 year ago
This is the best post on the subject in this thread in my opinion
James016 1 year ago
Parents should really *want* their children - this right here is the crux of it, don't have children to satisfy other people's demands of you. When I was younger I really didn't want children. It took a few years of being married before I started to want kids. My wife and I were constantly asked when we were going to have children, we just answered: "When you stop asking". It's not selfish to live your life the way you want including being childfree. It IS selfish to demand people have kids they clearly do not want.
R.C. 1 year ago
This! I'm a woman in my 40's and I've never had that desire to have children. I don't turn into mush when I see a baby. I'm...I guess indifferent would be the right word. I don't hate children which seems to be the conclusion a lot of people make. Been this way my whole life. Still have zero regrets about my decision to never have children. Like OP said, "Parents should really want their children."
Tamra 1 year ago
It's quite admirable that you know yourself so well. I believe a lot of women absolutely still feel pressured to have children, to the point that some of them don't even consciously realize it's a choice. At least, it should be.
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Pr Xlm4 8 months ago (edited)
I became a parent to a child without the desire to have kids. It was only after raising that child for 2-3 years before I actually developed the desire to have kids, and then proceeded to have 3 more and love them all more than I could have ever imagined possible. I was lonely until having kids and struggled with being happy - both cured easily whenever my kids are near. Everyone is different - follow your own path and make changes whenever needed.
keyboardtek 1 year ago (edited)
We went through counseling to clarify whether or not to have kids. Then we ended up adopting from China. What I learned is that all of the good things one hears about having kids is an exaggerated myth. It is mostly hard work. The fun is about 10%. Then when they become teens, it is like living with a psychotic human. The cuteness is long gone. Their entry level logic skills are just good enough to cause daily arguments. Then if you are lucky, they become somewhat normal decent humans at about 28 years old. Unless of course they have joined a religious cult, a right wing militia or become a MAGA hate mongering fool.
Lewis KR 1 year ago
To take an optimistic view - when some people say that not having children is 'selfish' I think they are struggling to articulate something more complex. I think they feel that it might not be the best thing for a person to live their whole life based around making themselves 'happy' in any given moment, I.e. structuring their lives around always having what they want - like depriving themselves of anything would be unbearable. I think they are trying to communicate that dedicating a decent part of your life to others (which for most people would imply their children, but not necessarily) is actually good for your own development. Of course this is somewhat reductive, as many people are very self aware and know they aren't suited to be parents, so it's patronising to contradict those people. As for the 'I don't want to bring people onto a dying planet' position, surely these conscientious people are exactly who should be having kids and teaching them what's important to lead humanity
XenoMurph 1 year ago (edited)
I tried to articulate this once, not nearly as well as you, and got downvoted to hell. Living purely for one's own pleasure is satisfying in the short term, but not fulfilling over a lifetime. Being childfree is a personal choice, and a very valid one. But a fulfilling life is not based on owning objects or fancy holidays, which some of the younger posters tend to focus on. I think it's why so many older people volunteer or work in places that might do good. They are living lives to have more purpose or meaning than a lifetime of collected objects has not provided. A life centred purely on self might end up being a regret.
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Carla Tumino 9 months ago
This is a very wise and responsible approach to life, wow. Best post I’ve seen in a while
RELATED:
#2
So thankful. I would have been a terrible mother, but I’m an amazing aunt.
SuperChicken 1 year ago
Then coming home to a nice quiet house and relax.
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XanthippeⓐWulf🇨🇦️️🇬🇧 1 year ago
Same. I love kids, and adore my nieces & nephews with all my heart, but (for sanity's sake) I need them to go home.
Alexandra 1 year ago
There is something in that. If you don't feel you can bear the life-long responsibility of a child, this is a good alternative: you can have just fun with a child, the parents can get a breather and the child, well, sometimes it's nice not to feel your parent's eyes on you :)
ROSESARERED 9 months ago
Same here. The best compliment came from my nephews wife on the weekend...we has all gathered at my sisters for an Easter get together, and when working out where to sit my nephews wife/neice said...im going to sit with the cool people...pause...so I'm sitting with auntie Rosie...love that girl
#3
I definitely think it was the right choice for me. Gotta be honest with myself I am a little lazy and selfish and while I think I might have been a decent dad I don't think I would have been a happy one.
Rozana Ellwanger 1 year ago
THIS! Everybody says I'd be a great mom, and I probably really would... but being a mom would make me miserable. Love my CF life!
Sergio Bicerra 1 year ago
Maybe, but that's a lottery I'm not risking now. I had the chance to be a parentall figure for my ex's kids and I may say I did a pretty good job, still in contact with them after 10 years we broke up, but couldn't do it now.
Load More Replies...To learn more about what it's like to be childfree, we got in touch with Sweta Upadhyay of the Child-Free Blog. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss how she feels about her choice not to have kids.
"Choosing to be childfree has been one of the best decisions my husband and I have made. We get to spend so much time together—just us! Our trips are all about exploring the world as a duo, and mornings are a peaceful ritual of tea, meditation, and a little garden time," Sweta shared.
"No chaos, no screaming, just calm, and a lot of hugging and laughing! We both feel that our relationship is stronger because we’re childfree. We don’t have the stress that often comes with raising kids, and honestly, I think we’ve eliminated one of the biggest sources of fights many couples have," she continued. "We rarely argue, and when we do, it’s never anything major."
#4
Awesome. One of the best decisions of my entire life .
sbj 1 year ago
I really appreciate the time I have to myself and the lack of stress that comes with not having somebody who at times would need to completely rely on me
Alexia 1 year ago (edited)
I feel you. I'm still in therapy to overcome the traumas of a childhood scarred by domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. If I feel ready, I will adopt a child. If not, I'm perfectly ok with it.
Janelle Collard 1 year ago
So sorry you had to live thru that. Wishing you a better life.
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Linda Riebel 1 year ago
When I was 17 I told a college classmate that I didn't want children. She immediately said, "Well, that's pretty selfish." 61 years later -- no regrets!
Janelle Collard 1 year ago
Had my tubes tied 50 yrs ago. Still waiting for the "regrets." 😁
Load More Replies... #5
I just had three margaritas and am going to take a nap. Do what you will with that information.
antoinette maldari 1 year ago
Just because you can, doesn't mean you should
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#6
Kinda depressing, I want to be a Dad but I rather let my broken brain diseases die off with me.
DeathBeforeDecaff 1 year ago
It easy to see not having kids as "selfish" or "lazy", but I feel it's often the hardest thing to do to endure so that someone else isn't having to go through what you have. I watched and cared for a severely disabled parent and I have one his conditions. I would not want to pass that on, or put any children though having to care for and grieve for me before my actual demise. I hope you find some peace and something to round off the edges from the broken bits of your brain.
Anony Mouse 1 year ago
My husband brings mental health and auto-immune disorders from his side. I don’t feel like putting that in a blender with my Agent Orange issues and cancer genes would result in a healthy happy child.
"I was always sure that if I had a child, I’d likely regret it at some point," Sweta continued. "But not having one? That regret felt much less likely. Together, we’ve found fulfillment through our work with an NGO and caring for stray animals. The sense of purpose we gain from that is incredibly rewarding. So, for us, being childfree means living a life full of freedom and making each day about what brings us joy."
#7
Definitely no regrets. Having kids is something I never even considered.
#8
I never wanted kids. It was worst nightmare to have them. I did everything I could to avoid them, and I'm very happy to have done so. Now I just need my work to respect my off time and my life will be perfect. I have more spending power than everyone I know, and I can do whatever I like, and whenever I want. You could not pay me enough to have made the other choice.
Scott Rackley 1 year ago
I didn't like kids when I was one. I can tolerate them in intervals but creating and living with one? Nope. Plus there is an ethical dilemma in creating someone who did not ask for it, and can't be rescinded, with the off chance of having a congenital disease that would make their life hell.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
Let me guess! The part about work not respecting his/her off time has to do with coworkers demanding Op schedule time off around their schedules, switch days when they have parental events, etcetera, and management that expects Op to be sympathetic and comply. I'm retired now, and I hated those coworkers who pulled that nonsense and had the gall to get angry when I would not comply. WTH? Their choice to breed and the complications created in their life because of that choice have nothing to do with me. They always made me the bad guy for not rearranging my life for their benefit. Once, a supervisor even tried to rescind an already approved vacation week because it suddenly coincided with a coworker who planned and booked a Disney vacation for her family the same week without checking availability or putting in a request first. I refused and said her mistake was not mine to solve. He said I had no choice. I quit on the spot and said, "Good luck scheduling her in my place now."
Tommy DePaul 1 year ago
I'm a single man and I never minded being scheduled for holidays (double time) so coworkers with family could have that time off.
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#9
Can’t believe there are people claiming child-free people don’t care for the state of the only planet we call home. OF COURSE we care. We have nephews, nieces and family that will have kids that we care about deeply. I wasn’t even going to comment because I’m only 34 without kids but you weirdos with your assumptions can be annoying.
Not having kids is amazing for some and sad for others.
Alexandra 1 year ago
It's an odd argument to say that CF people don't care for the planet. We're overpopulated and using up resources we can't renew, so the fewer people the better in the long run.
Ronald Robin 1 year ago
I don't know about overpopulated... Birth rates are below replacement level in the west.
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Angrykitten 1 year ago
Many younger adults are deciding to not have children BECAUSE they care so much for the planet and the effects of over population. Fewer people is helping everyone
We were also curious about what Sweta considers the best parts of being childfree. "I get to focus completely on myself, my marriage, and the things I love! I’m constantly taking up new projects, learning new skills, and truly enjoying the time and energy I have," she shared.
"Every few months, I’m exploring something new, and it’s incredibly fulfilling. I also get to spend quality time with my loved ones and friends! My husband and I go on dates regularly and take a long, adventurous trip every six months. It’s like we’re in this never-ending honeymoon phase!"
#10
Pretty great.
My wife turned out to be a narcissistic abuser so I divorced her.
1. No kids that would've suffered from her behavior
2. No kids that would've suffered through the divorce
I'm more than happy to be the silly, fun uncle to my brother's kids.
#11
The freedom!
The sweet, sweet freedom to do what I want (or not do) when I want!
DennyS (denzoren) 1 year ago
Partially yes. I can get home after a long day and it's just me to worry about so I can eat ramen and sleep lol
#12
As a woman, F*****G AMAZING. I had a hysterectomy at 25. I’m 43 now. I never wanted children and I was told maybe you will want one someday. I was never that kind of girl. Never wanted a kid. So glad I had a hysterectomy early so I can enjoy the rest of my life without female pain.
FoxEcoLimaIndiaCharlieIndiAlfa 1 year ago
I'm curious as to where this OP is from because so many doctors will not perform a hysterectomy on a 25 year old woman, unless medically necessary. But glad it all worked out for her.
K. LNU 1 year ago
May have been medical and this person didn't mention it. However, in the US, there are (now) quite a few doctors who will willingly tie tubes regardless of age (as long as one is an adult.)
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Cal Jones 1 year ago
Lucky. If I could have ripped that baby factory out of me I would have in a heartbeat. I never wanted kids and resented my body for putting me through hell every month (often more than once a month as I got older). I was relieved to go through menopause but wish I didn't have to wait 51 years for it.
Sara Frazer 1 year ago
So envious! I wonder if OP lives somewhere other than US... I'm in the US and last year (at age 29) started pushing for a hysterectomy. No desire to have children, uterine fibroids, regular pain, unbearable periods...and they (the numerous doctors) just wouldn't hear it. 'Murica! Fùck you if you have a uterus, but hey at least you can buy assault rifles at Walmart :)
But are there any downsides to not having kids? "The only challenge is society! Some people assume that just because we don’t have kids, we must be 'free' all the time, somehow childish ourselves, or selfish," Sweta noted. "But that's not at all true. Just because we made a choice that’s different doesn’t mean it’s wrong. We’ve simply crafted a life that’s perfect for us, which is meaningful, and full of love and joy."
#13
I never once had the tingling feeling of wanting to become a parent. I simply don’t have that want/desire/responsibility to raise a child, especially in this timeline we’re living in.
Then I met my wife - who thinks the exact same way.
We both love traveling, backpacking, camping, etc. It’s freeing knowing we can get up in a split second and go.
#14
I wanted to have kids but I couldn't, so sometimes I'm a bit sad seeing friends and colleagues having children. But it's nothing I can change so I'm usualy not thinking much about it. And sometimes I'm also a bit glad I don't have kids seeing how the world goes to s**t and no one seems to care to make the neccessary changes so that their children or grandchildren will still have a liveable world.
Matthew Barabas 1 year ago
its impossible to not have a livable world for your grandchildren.
Load More Replies... Barry 1 year ago (edited)
This is the worst argument of all because it's completely wrong. Contrary to current events and popular opinion, the world is in the best shape of all time. Poverty is down 80% in the last 50 years. War and violence are at all-time historic lows. Slavery has been abolished worldwide for the first time ever. Our life expectancy is twice as long as it has ever been. Women have more rights than ever. Yes we still have a *loooong* ways to go but don't fool yourself that the world is getting worse.
Neb 1 year ago
There are stuff that is going better, and stuff that is going worse. More and more animal species are disappearing. Consumerism still huge and even populated more because of SM. Draughts, wildfires, shootings...
Load More Replies... keyboardtek 1 year ago
I believe the world is overpopulated. Then I met people with children who adopted from China. I was not personally adding to the planet's population but adopting from China was a way to help a child into a better existence than an orphanage all her life.
Helen Bennett 1 year ago
Same. It was like a knife in the stomach in my 20s and 30s but has got much easier as I get older. I think the annoying hormones are fading away. It's great. Now my husband and I are planning a post-retirement life together and really looking forward to spending a lot of time cuddling.
Jonas Fisher 1 year ago
I wonder: Does this person not care to make the necessary changes for the world?
#15
I can't even take care of myself, let alone have to take care of another living person. So I just do what I want with my life and have a great time doing it. It's pretty awesome.
Red PANda (she/they/he/ze) 1 year ago
Idk this is kind of a hot take but taking care of someone else can sometimes kinda force you to take better care of yourself, and then you’re both happier. I understand everyone is different tho, so it probably isn’t the same for everyone else
Kelly Scott 1 year ago
Agreed, but the big word is "sometimes". If the person in question doesn't end up taking care of himself, especially with someone else depending on him, then two people are having major problems, and one didn't ask for those problems.
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Jonas Fisher 1 year ago
I don't think this one was honest. If the OP couldn't handle self-care, then how could life consist of a great time?
Schmebulock 1 year ago
"I can't even take care of myself....So I just do what I want with my life...It's pretty awesome." Sounds horrible, but each to their own.
Next, Sweta shared some wise words for any childfree adults who are feeling pressured to start a family. "Stay true to yourself! Make choices that feel right to you, not ones that fit into someone else’s expectations. This is your life, and it’s just as important to value your own happiness and freedom."
"It’s important to set clear, healthy boundaries with those who don’t respect your decision. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, and your life choices are valid," she continued. "If people can’t see the validity in your choice to be childfree, that’s on them, not you. It’s not your responsibility to change their minds. Stand firm in your decision. Remind yourself that you don’t need to justify your path to anyone unwilling to respect it."
#16
I'm very glad to have been a part of the lives of my brother's kids but I would have been a terrible parent myself, so it's all good.
#17
I wanted children. But my uterus decided that ejecting them would be a better idea. I sometimes grieve the idea of being a parent. Then I snap back to reality when the reality of my life makes me not fit to be a parent. I am on the disability pension for MS, I am legally blind and cannot drive and have to depend on others to do things for me. I could not provide what I feel is a fulfilling life for a child.
I get to sleep in, I get to love my cats and be the weird aunt to my niblings instead. It is what it is and I am at peace with it.
#18
As someone who has wanted to have children but has fertility issues, it’s been soul crushing. Yeah I have freedom, but the only thing worse than being disappointed myself is watching my wife struggle. Having and raising kids is all she’s ever wanted and I have been unable to give her that.
Hoping to adopt but it’s an incredibly lonely and vulnerable experience, especially if you aren’t willing to go through a religious agency.
keyboardtek 1 year ago
We are atheists. The religious agency we used did not have any religious dogma anywhere in their adoption system. They do it more as a charity.
The Mediterranean Fruit 1 year ago
You don't know that. Let's try being positive.
Load More Replies..."Ultimately, the people who care about you will support you for who you are, not for the life choices they wish you’d make," Sweta added. "For those who can’t support you… It’s perfectly fine to distance yourself and protect your peace. You’re building a life that’s right for you, and that’s what matters the most!"
#19
F*****g awesome! My life is amazing. Fixed at 26, I'm now 46.
zovjraar me 1 year ago
thank you sir for knowing what you wanted and taking steps to ensure it!
BookFanatic 1 year ago
Not sure how OP identifies gender-wise. Don't know if OP will ever see this. If you identify as a guy, and being fixed was your choice and not the cause of a medical thing...did you get hassled by the medical field for wanting to be sterilized so early in life? Many, many young women fight long battles to get sterilized. I'm wondering how it is for guys.
Agamemnon O'Neill 1 year ago
You must be a man, because any woman trying to get "fixed" at 26 is told, "But your future husband may want kids."
#20
A few pangs every now and then, but I wouldn’t change my decision.
#21
I'm happy. I love sleeping in late on Saturday mornings, not driving to tons of kids sporting events, never have to stand on the sidelines in the cold and rain, cheering on kids, driving to kids party after kids party every weekend.
I often hear parents main about preparing school lunches, which is not an issue.
Honestly, as a child I never ever dreamed of being a mother, I never played with dolls, ever. I never envisioned a time where I would have kids. I grew up in a very noisy house with way too many people crammed into a small space. My many siblings quickly had lots of kids as well, I've been surrounded by kids and spent a lot of my life looking after other people, cleaning, cooking and being a general dogs body. I just don't want to do that anymore.
I go on decent holidays, I'm free at the weekends. I love the peace and quiet. I am very happy in my own company and I have a very limited social battery. I don't believe I would have made a good parent. I do like kids but I feel I've sacrificed enough of my life looking after other people and I'm happy as I am. .
"Family isn’t just about ‘baby steps’ or having children. It’s about the big leaps we take in life. Whether that’s with a partner, pets, plants, friends, or even in the quiet of our own solitude," Sweta says. "Being childfree isn’t just about not having kids; it’s about the freedom to choose the life that fulfills us. We celebrate that fulfillment doesn’t come in one-size-fits-all, and that’s perfectly alright."
#22
It’s weird bc all your child-having friends (which is most everyone) are completely consumed by their kids so you don’t relate as well with others.
But also it’s great bc I have extra money and I can spend it on whatever the f*** I please. Oh and I have extra time to do whatever I please.
But sometimes I want to do something with my best friend but she can’t bc of her kid so…
There’s positives and negatives.
#23
After numerous miscarriages, we were in our 40s, with no children. We would both do anything to have had children. If we had a kid now, I'd be 68 when they graduated from high school.
keyboardtek 1 year ago (edited)
We opted for adoption. In America adoption agencies basically let the pregnant birthmother select the parents from profiles. We found out mostly they were choosing the wealthier potential parents. Much of the healthcare and economic support of the birthmothers while they are pregnant is paid for by the new parents. It is a big money making racket. We ended up going to China. Our beautiful daughter is 28 now, a college graduate, and doing well. The time raising her seems like a blink of the eye as I look back on it.
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Child of the Stars 1 year ago
It's well within the realm of possibility that neither of those were options either. Fostering and adoption of children isn't like doing it with pets. It's an exhausting, expensive process just applying, and even then you can be denied for anything from political/religious views (depending on the agency) to financial status to living situation.
Load More Replies... #24
Having seen my brother and his two small children today... absolutely fine and dandy thank you.
#25
On the one hand, I seriously envy my friends who have two lovely sons who are now in high school.
On the other hand, I’m glad that I’m not my sister and Brother-in-law who have two spawns of Satan who are 4 and 6.
Edit: who would have thought that my top comment ever would be calling my nephews "spawns of satan." They're absolutely a high energy handful, and frustrating to deal with right now, but they are good kids, and I love 'em to bits. I just moderate my time with them to save my sanity.
Alexandra 1 year ago
There is absolutely no guarantee that your children will be born healthy and will grow up to be lovely persons.
Lila Allen 1 year ago
Thank you for this. People frequently overlook the fact that disabilities exist and even if you are super healthy and fit it's still an utter roll of the dice as to whether your kids will be healthy.
Load More Replies... #26
Never really wanted kids or understood why people have them. But now in my late 40s I realized that children serve as a distraction from your own existential crises. As mortality and other fears slowly become more prominent, children and their youthful energy make life more interesting and worth living. If all you have around you is aging and decay, life gets very boring and depressing.
Child of the Stars 1 year ago
"...children serve as a distraction from your own existential crises." Not necessarily. Becoming a parent forced me to face the biggest fears of my life and deal with them. As a result, I've gotten sober and been through therapy. Becoming a parent made me a better person. I don't mean to imply that that happens to everyone. But it's disingenuous to assume that being a parent means you avoid your fears.
Sara Frazer 1 year ago
Wow, that's actually a good description, not necessarily for having kids yourself but I work as a TA in a Tribal preschool and lemme tell you I love my job, the children are so joyful, I'm laughing all the time. It doesn't really feel like a job, it feels like I go to my other household 5 days a week and am an aunt to several nieces/nephews, then get to also mingle with children of other age ranges in the other classes. Outside of work I am kind of an isolated person, I have my dear husband and just a couple friends I don't see too often. And of course our beloved cats! One is sitting on the couch by me now waiting for me to toss his toy so he can retrieve it. I try to do art and read books. Most nights I come home and play a comfort game. But I always look forward to seeing the kids. However I still have no parental stirrings 😂 matter of fact my job also serves as birth control for when the children are being, I guess, NOT SO FUN.
#27
Hard. I feel like I missed out on the best parts of adulthood… first steps, taking my kid to school, coaching little league, school plays, dinner table conversations, family vacations, helping them when they are hurt, Santa Claus, seeing them grow, arguments and apologies, grandchildren… it just never materialized for me. It’s like i wasn’t worthy of that gift… of even finding a wife to build a family.
Sucks hard many days. I can put on a brave face, but deep down it’s crushing.
M, 48, one sister, who also has no kids.
zovjraar me 1 year ago
it's sad when someone who wants a kid didn't get to have one. and then there are unwanted kids. :(
Haywood Jablome 1 year ago
It's hard when everyone around you has already hit those milestones and you're still single well into your 30s. Slowly but surely I will be forgotten
ROSESARERED 9 months ago
I desperately wanted kids, but never found the guy to do it all with me. I wouldn't have survived as a single parent. Spent many nights soul breaking crying, but, as time has skipped along, I now am happy I'm single and child free.. I'm an awesome aunt,...their words...and I love my neices and nephews to the moon and beyond. My sister and her husband always included and invited me to the kids events, and now they are all adults they still invite me to everything.
DennyS (denzoren) 1 year ago (edited)
I kinda get this, and it does creep in at times but overall I try to look past it. I'm an only child so also, no nieces and nephews.
#28
Pretty rough. I only started to feel better and come out of the sadness when I took full responsibility for choosing not to have children.
My first partner didn’t want kids until he was 40.
My first husband was abusive and irresponsible.
My boyfriends after that were non-commital.
My second husband is amazing but has kids, had the snip and felt he was too old to adopt or foster.
The reality is - I chose these partners.
I’ve got lovely adult step children and I’m an auntie and godmother. I’ve fostered rescue animals for 20 years.
It’s not the same… but you can’t always get what you want, as the song goes.
When I have feelings about it, I have to take it on the chin.
#29
Not by choice, so pretty devastated.
Shark Lady 1 year ago
Difference between being childless and childfree, free is by choice, less is not.
#30
Scary. I maybe have a couple of fertile years left but my partner doesn’t really want kids. I won’t know how I feel about it until it’s too late. I don’t feel ready yet I can’t imagine growing old with never having children. I wish I had more time.
GlitterPanda 1 year ago
Unless you are 100% sure, don't do it. It is far better to regret not having a child than to have a child that you regret and resent.
#36
Perfect. I decided at 14 I did not want, and I stayed the course. I am serene and do not look back. Nor does my wife.
#37
I have the freedom and funds to take off for a few weeks to travel anywhere in the world when I feel like it. Did do that a few times already and it was def an experience everytime. Or if I feel like it, do nothing at all. I can do whatever the f**k I want and that’s priceless to me.
Would my life be better or worst with kids? Hard to say tbh but the freedom alone I have right now makes me feel like it’s better than not.
#38
All my life I could barely take care of myself so I'm happy to not bring harm upon another life.
#39
I knew I'd never be fit to be a mother full time. So I spent my 20's and 30's as a Girl Scout leader, having fun and sending the kids home at the end of the meetings.
Sometimes I wish I could know what pregnancy feels like, but I'm glad I don't have a child of my own.
#41
Honestly it's mixed. I see my friends and family and generally how happy they are, I reflect on my own childhood and how great the moments with my family were.
I've watched my grandmother go into assisted living, I know how horrible most places are. How much work my parents did to ensure she had top notch care and wasn't abused or forgotten about.
My biggest worry is what happens to me when I hit 70, 80, or older. Who do I have left to help me navigate serious health complications, going into a home, or disastrous issues such as dementia or alzheimer's. Society will throw me away because I don't have family that is willing to fight in my behalf the same way I will for my parents. I ask this same question to the other d***s I'm friends with and few of them ever considered these issues.
Lately I regret not having kids of my own i feel like i missed out on a ton. I'm well off working in the FAANG space, money isn't a concern, but I find myself dwelling on this more.
Asri X 1 year ago (edited)
It's a reasonable fear, but having children doesn't mean they will take care of you later on. I'm NC with my father; he's getting nothing from me. My husband and I are on our 4th elder care situation. It's hard and I can't even imagine handling them AND kids, but some people do. In our case, our plan is a firm that handles bills, legal issues, etc. with our wishes legally documented in writing. Even if my niece or nephew wants to step up, all the legal c**p will be settled so they don't go through what we have.
#42
Im 47 now and it's like dying a little every day. It's a loss people refuse to let you grieve.
My husband and I are both infertile. We couldn't afford (insurance doesn't cover IVF in our state) IVF. He took meds for nearly a year to get his sperms count high enough for IUI . We had one attempt, it failed (meds to make me ovulate I have PCOS). He started having scary sideeffects from the meds and wr had to stop. This was 9 years ago. Shortly after his sister got pregnant with her first child and made sure to tell me she didn't want to be pregnant. Shortly after that my youngest sister got pregnant and whined to me about how it took 3 months of sex to get pregnant. Then she made my life hell the entire time she was pregnant with unhinged threats of me never seeing her kids again because I had a reaction to the flu shot. She also told me to "suck it up" when I called her crying about the infertility diagnosis. Other people have it worse, she said.
We couldn't afford, at the time, to adopt. The attorney told us 60k was average and we'd be on a waiting list for years. Plus once we hit 40 our chances of "being selected" were slim. After the foster care classes and the horror stories, plus being told no infants or toddlers to adopt, we backed away from foster care.
Family wasn't supportive of us adopting because of the issues another family member had.
Now I'm 47. My older nieces and nephews have kids. My youngest sister has kids. My friends from school are grandparents. I regret every single day we didn't go bankrupt trying to have a family. Now we make enough to make payments on a loan to adopt, but I'm "too old to be selected by a birth mother".
PCOS has ruined my body. Insurance won't cover anything to treat it and 1500 a month for the meds is still unaffordable. I'm i perimenopause and have started ovulating, naturally for the first time. The irony.
I'm the fun aunt. We take the little nieces and nephews places and buy them fun toys. My SiL is broke with 4 kids (3 from marriage one by nature) and expects us to do the expensive stuff they can't afford with her kids. We do, but it's weird knowing how much she hates me she sees us as a way for her kids to get to do stuff.
Since we don't have kids we are expected to do all of the elder care. The "I have kids and a job" excuse is my youngest sisters favorite go to when dad needs something. She is 5 minutes away, I'm an hour. But 90% of the time she says since she has kids she can't help him out. I work too. Older sister's husband has dementia. So they are spending time with the grandkids now because soon he won't know who they are.
We have money to do what we want, mostly but we don't have any time. We do for everyone else and are made to feel horrible if we don't. The trade off for us is a deep longing to have kids but no time for the "freedom" everyone says we have.
Lately I've been crying alot about the whole thing. No one but my husband gives a f--k. We are just free babysitting and dad's helpers. I'm running my self ragged and on the edge of a nervous breakdown, my older sister sees it, my husband sees it, but dad and my youngest sister won't or can't. My health is affected by the stress. I look at my friends Facebook pages with their grandkids and kids and I think I have nothing.
I hate my childless life. My husband can't even enjoy the freedom we didn't want because no one respects us or our time. And holidays are dependent on family inviting us to attend. Otherwise it will just be us and the cats.
People keep telling us we should have adopted or that we "gave up too soon". Or "if you couldn't afford the 60k to adopt, you ar3 too poor to have kids" (the male infertility specialist said that). I asked if he had 60k just hanging out to spend to adopt and he was shocked at how much it was.
Im not always this bitter. It starts hitting hard around Halloween and continues to be a challenge until after Christmas. This is the hardest time of the year. But I smile and hide it. I don't want to hear one more "God's will", "God's punishment " or "you should have adopted". Nor do I want to hear "take one of my monsters, you will change your mind".....
F--k infertility.
Edited to add: I greatly appreciate the support and kind words. Infertility is a complex and emotionally draining thing. Family dynamics is complex too. I think many families don't understand that childless couples still have lots of other responsibilities. In our case, my youngest sister is a narcissist and my dad may also be, although less toxic. My older sister lives under the shadow of her husband of 30 years morphing into someone she no longer knows, and who, doesn't know many of us anymore, and who, is actively and slowly dying.
We try hard to keep the peace.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
If you wouldn't love an adopted kid or a foster kid, you wouldn't really love a bio kid. Glad you're childless. You arent involved in supporting kids in your community (sports, arts, museums, walks etc), you aren't interested in kids, you just confuse a biological urge with being a good parent.
Slowdown 1 year ago
Enough with the sob story and set some boundaries already. Holy cow. It strikes me funny how the poster points out how other people in her family are narcissistic and toxic, but all the reasons she wants children are entirely selfish. It's about her feelings and what she is going through. Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
#43
Lonely.
#44
Lonely and sad. I have a son somewhere, many years ago I was dating a woman who dumped me when she got pregnant and gave up the baby. I only found out about the baby because I got sent mail I wasn’t supposed to get. The adoption was final and I couldn’t afford a lawyer, had no rights. I can only hope they look me up some day. Worst part is most of the children in my family are suffering serious genetic problems. So I don’t even know if he’s ok. .
#45
It sucks.
Kids open up a lot of things you simply miss out on if you never had them. Going to Disney World or a theme park, or even major fairs, the beach, seeing families with their kids having a good time. Birthday parties, the thrills of school activities, holidays..
You get old, your friends get old, your parents pass on, everything feels a little bit hollow.
Yeah you also pass on a lot of stress, problems, heartache, headaches, financial issues, but in life you take the good with the bad, and you realize you gave up a lot of good after its too late to do anything about it. And aging alone has ZERO upside to it, none, nada.
James016 1 year ago
"Going to Disney World or a theme park, or even major fairs, the beach" You can do all of this without being a parent.
Niels AirMax 1 year ago
...and it's actually WAY MORE fun without being a parent! Believe me!
Load More Replies... #46
The few years I was a parent were enough to teach me I don't want kids. As much as I loved my stepkids, I do not miss the constant, never ending panic. I was always anxious. Living in poverty, I just knew I was failing them.
I lived in a low grade state of anxiety for 5 years, worrying about them all the time. I still worry about them all the time, in fact, one is currently sleeping downstairs, she's homeless. It's so much different now that they are adults.
#47
I wanted kids, it didn't happen.
It sucks not to have had that opportunity, I sometimes get caught up in some existential dread thinking about the fact that my genetic lineage stops with me and I'm leaving nothing behind as a legacy.
But on the flip side I know having kids would have been hell. Even as a kid I understood that to have kids I'd have to be okay with being a single parent; as even today it seems men continue to demonstrate an inability to take equal responsibility for raising their kids. As a disabled person it's hard enough to survive and advocate for myself without dragging a child into poverty, to advocate for them - my kids would likely be disabled too, I see friends struggling to get their SEN kids access to even basic education and I'm glad I don't deal with that.
I get to do what I want with my money and my time, I get to rest ans plenty of alone time, which I'm grateful for.
I feel bitter about no opportunity, but also glad.
FreeTheUnicorn 1 year ago
You can very much still leave a legacy in your community without leaving any descendants behind.
#48
Honestly, sort of sad, but not overwhelming.
I was always ambivalent about having kids. I would have been up for it if my partner wanted them, but he didn't, and I was totally fine not having them.
I still don't feel strongly about it. But that partner and I broke up a few years back, and now that I'm in my early 40s it's just very weird to realize that.. well, that window is probably closed. I mean as far as I know I could still get pregnant, but my current partner and I aren't in a place to be looking at that and since we'd really have to try like... now, I'm accepting that it's just not going to happen.
So yeah, there's some kind of grief. But it's a weird sort of grief because I never actively wanted kids and was always perfectly comfortable with the idea of not having them. It's more grief over losing the potential of having them in the future, I guess.
EDIT: Since so many people have said "why not just adopt," I'll add that I am adopted (closed infant adoption), and though I love being adopted, for many reasons I explain in this comment thread, have always known I would never myself adopt. Everyone is aware of adoption as an option, but it's a unique journey that should be chosen on its own merits, and not every person is suited to be an adoptive parent. And also... I STILL don't actively want kids!
#49
I'm not sure how to answer this because I don't know what it would be like to have them. I see all my friends and siblings with kids and I see the beautiful parts. I also see the very hard parts. I also see the people who really really want children do everything they can to conceive. I just can't ever picture putting myself through that. I do know this. I love my life. Every aspect of it. I love seeing my neices and nephews grow up. I love that I can come home and have peace and quiet and not have a single thing to attend to. I'm truly happy. This is what I wanted and it's what I got. (But will i ever know "how it feels" opposed to having them.....nope).
#50
It makes me feel completely empty at times.
Kelly Scott 1 year ago
I feel for these people who wanted kids and couldn't have them but at some point they have to deal with it. A lot of them could benefit with therapy. And as callous as it sounds, there's a lot of things we all want in life and most of us, unless we're very, very lucky, are not going to get them. Isn't it better to accept that instead of spending all your years crying and being upset? What's worse, I see these people fantasizing about going places with their unborn kids or doing things with them. I wonder how they'd feel if they actually had a kid to take to say, Disneyland and all the kid did was have meltdowns. Thinking your future kids are all going to be healthy, well-mannered, and pleasant to be around is the ultimate fantasy and wanting a fantasy so bad you cry about it all the time for years is, I think, the apex of bad mental health.
What do you think ?
Alexandra 1 year ago
Being 'childfree' means that you chose not to have kids. If you want kids but can't have them due to infertility issues or other issues, you're not 'childfree', you're 'childless': you didn't have any choice in the matter. You can't compare the two.
Neb 1 year ago
Unless you can't have kids, and independently decide not to have them anyway - still childfree.
Load More Replies...
CanadianDimes 1 year ago
Let's stop saying "starting a family". You can start a family with a partner by marrying them/committing to them long term. Most of us (whether or not we have kids) have families already.
MoMcB 1 year ago
My daughter (only child) doesn't want children. She's 31. I get comments that I'll really miss being a grandmother, but it's her decision not mine, and seeing the way things are in the world, I can't say I blame her. Last time we were back in Ireland visiting family, I had to close it down and tell them it wasn't anyone's business but my daughter's and her partner.
Load More Replies... Aline 1 year ago
If your life is sad and meaningless without kids, having kids isn't going to change that. Your life will just be sad, meaningless and busy. Why would you bring a child into a family, if it isn't because you want to share the joy and awesomeness that is your existence? Kids don't fix things. They either absorb your joy and adventure or absorb your listless apathy. Just because misery loves company doesn't mean you should inflict that on innocent children.
Ellinor 1 year ago
I like reading about childfree people's happy lives, it gives me hope for my future ! When you're a woman that doesn't want kids, you're up for a ton of remarks and mean comments about how you're "loosing your value as a woman", "you will d*e alone in a nursing home", "you're ruining your life"... I'm tired of that.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
I had a father who had no interest in being a father. He never did anything with me, never played catch, never taught me anything about sports. Do you have any idea what gym class is like when you are the only boy who knows nothing about any sport? I wouldn't know how to be a father and decided as an early teen never to be one. I have no regrets about being the last of my bloodline.
ENSJ 1 year ago
I'm childfree. Unfortunately without the benefit of having a good income and thus the freedom to do things that'd be harder with kids (such as travel, extra education etc). But I'd be a terrible parent with the generational trauma. I see how my sister is f*****g up her children, how my mother keeps regretting having kids, ... I'd much rather regret never having kids than I would regret having them. I have my furbabies to look after and that is enough.
kimkats 1 year ago
I detest the “you’ll die alone” c**p. Most of us do anyway, ask any nursing home worker how many offspring “take care” if their elderly parent or even visit, and the answer will be, damn few. MySIL, who had 3 kids, (and all she ever wanted to be was a mommy) saw them all get the hell out of dodge as fast as they could and get on with their education and lives, and not the slightest intention of coming back to care for Mom in her dotage. So spawning with the intent of breeding a caretaker doesn’t always work, and few seem to recognize that.
Alexandra 1 year ago
Being 'childfree' means that you chose not to have kids. If you want kids but can't have them due to infertility issues or other issues, you're not 'childfree', you're 'childless': you didn't have any choice in the matter. You can't compare the two.
Neb 1 year ago
Unless you can't have kids, and independently decide not to have them anyway - still childfree.
Load More Replies... CanadianDimes 1 year ago
Let's stop saying "starting a family". You can start a family with a partner by marrying them/committing to them long term. Most of us (whether or not we have kids) have families already.
MoMcB 1 year ago
My daughter (only child) doesn't want children. She's 31. I get comments that I'll really miss being a grandmother, but it's her decision not mine, and seeing the way things are in the world, I can't say I blame her. Last time we were back in Ireland visiting family, I had to close it down and tell them it wasn't anyone's business but my daughter's and her partner.
Load More Replies... Aline 1 year ago
If your life is sad and meaningless without kids, having kids isn't going to change that. Your life will just be sad, meaningless and busy. Why would you bring a child into a family, if it isn't because you want to share the joy and awesomeness that is your existence? Kids don't fix things. They either absorb your joy and adventure or absorb your listless apathy. Just because misery loves company doesn't mean you should inflict that on innocent children.
Ellinor 1 year ago
I like reading about childfree people's happy lives, it gives me hope for my future ! When you're a woman that doesn't want kids, you're up for a ton of remarks and mean comments about how you're "loosing your value as a woman", "you will d*e alone in a nursing home", "you're ruining your life"... I'm tired of that.
Craig Reynolds 1 year ago
I had a father who had no interest in being a father. He never did anything with me, never played catch, never taught me anything about sports. Do you have any idea what gym class is like when you are the only boy who knows nothing about any sport? I wouldn't know how to be a father and decided as an early teen never to be one. I have no regrets about being the last of my bloodline.
ENSJ 1 year ago
I'm childfree. Unfortunately without the benefit of having a good income and thus the freedom to do things that'd be harder with kids (such as travel, extra education etc). But I'd be a terrible parent with the generational trauma. I see how my sister is f*****g up her children, how my mother keeps regretting having kids, ... I'd much rather regret never having kids than I would regret having them. I have my furbabies to look after and that is enough.
kimkats 1 year ago
I detest the “you’ll die alone” c**p. Most of us do anyway, ask any nursing home worker how many offspring “take care” if their elderly parent or even visit, and the answer will be, damn few. MySIL, who had 3 kids, (and all she ever wanted to be was a mommy) saw them all get the hell out of dodge as fast as they could and get on with their education and lives, and not the slightest intention of coming back to care for Mom in her dotage. So spawning with the intent of breeding a caretaker doesn’t always work, and few seem to recognize that.
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