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Anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you it's no easy walk in the park. Just think about the heated arguments, compromises, and misunderstandings — navigating the ups and downs is quite a task right there, especially when it comes to marriage. Well, no one is immune to the occasional blips and bumps in the road, and this viral thread is here to prove it.
Reddit user Zorra_ decided to find out what blunders happen after people tie the knot and say "I do". They raised a question on the Ask Reddit online forum: "Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?" Hundreds of professionals rolled up their sleeves and typed some of the things they witnessed during their careers.
Bored Panda handpicked the best pieces of advice this thread had to offer that might help guide you through the biggest roadblocks. Continue scrolling, upvote the ones you agree with, and make sure to check out our previous posts on the never-ending topic of marriage right here, here, and here.
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#1
I'm not a marriage counselor but my wife posted a very meaningful and controversial article the other day and tagged me in it because I agree with its philosophy. It was titled "Your kids should not be the most important part of your marriage." Of course, many parents were offended and complained bitterly about the article. But we don't make our kids the center of our marriage. We devote a lot of time to them and keep them healthy and educated, of course, but we spend just as much time on each other. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids are likely to be happy. On many occasions, my wife will rush to get a few things done for the kids in the morning and ask me, playfully "Hey, you wanna do me in the bedroom real quick?!" And I will fix dinner and get the kids to bed so her and I can have some fun and cuddle while we talk about our day. Kids don't define your marriage, you and your spouse absolutely do.
lenka 3 years ago
Agree. Hubby and I are the foundation of the family. Our relationship existed before the children and it needs to exist after the children. They are safe and happy and secure when we are together and modelling a healthy loving relationship. It's in their best interests that we stay together and to do that we need to make each other a priority.
Dynein 3 years ago (edited)
This also allows the children to "grow up in peace", so to say. Children want to be a priority of their parents, but healthy children do NOT want to be the center of attention and want to have a life outside of their immediate family. Parents who put their children before their own relationship are in danger of suffocating their children with attention, hindering them from developing an independent personality and likely using them as an emotional support - which should be the *partner's* role. Children need to know that they can go and live their own life once they're grown up, and for that they need to know that their *parents* have their own lives outside of being parents.
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MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
That actually makes a lot of sense, and I'm reminded of what a public health nurse said to me. "It's okay to take care if yourself and put yourself first before your baby. A healthy mom is a healthy baby." I know it's not in the same context but it sorta is at the same time. Kids needs a solid foundation, and it starts with the parents. Showering them with toys and trips won't matter if all they're hearing is shouting and arguing day and night.
Joanne Lawrence 3 years ago
Yep. In that vein, though, too many moms are falling into the current trap of wellness culture - instead of being told it's okay to sacrifice some of the "nice to have" things (you don't have to make your kids a cooked breakfast every morning, nor do they need an extracurricular activity every night - or even most nights - of the week) in order to properly have time to look after themselves, wellness culture acts like some positive mantras and essential oils will fix everything. It won't. Now moms are expected to look and feel their best while also still carrying the weight of a household and children. I'm massively generalizing, but men aren't falling for this same wellness BS - why? Because when the husband is done his paid job, he's off the clock, in society's eyes. I'm glad that attitude is starting to shift, but still. There's a reason women initiate the majority of divorces, and I suspect many a time it's due to feeling overwhelmed.
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JustAnother Soul 3 years ago
Love your kids enough to ensure they grow up in a healthy, loving family environment. You do this by putting your relationship with your partner on the top of the list. You two are the foundation, keep it strong.
Philly Bob Squires 3 years ago
Without you and me, there is no "we" and without "we" there is no family!
Tiredofpayingforothers 3 years ago
My kids were a little butthurt when I told them my wife who is their mother is the number 1 person in my life. They waited with anticipation to see who was number 2, which is all three of them. Finally at number 3 is myself.
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
You & your spouse absolutely must come first. If your relationship breaks down the kids will definitely suffer. My ex tried to talk me into staying married "for the sake of our daughter". I told him straight up that she would be happier & healthier in the home of a happy single mom than in the home of a miserable married couple. I was right. (PS- he's still a miserable person, so apparently it wasn't just me).
RELATED:
#2
Wife has degree in marriage and family counseling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to “repair attempts” during arguments/conflict. Repair attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments.
En example: My wife didn’t buy movie tickets in advance for date night this last Sunday and it was sold out. It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, “we’ll, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other’s eyes!” That was her repair attempt. It works two ways though, I also have to respond positively to it... which I did. We did a lot of staring longingly into each other’s eyes last Sunday.
Will Lanni 3 years ago
My biggest biggest mistake in my two failed marriages: righteousness. When I am being "right", there is no room for olive branches to be extended. Years of counseling and getting over some childhood crap that had me hung up on being right has given me fresh perspective and way less triggering, thank god. (it occurred as a survival threat... can you believe that? Like my life depended on being right so much that a mess-up over movie tickets would occur life threatening... uuugh my poor exes having to deal with that). "You can be right… Or you can be happy."
Joanne Lawrence 3 years ago
Thank you for sharing this - and for being honest with yourself. Even if it took two failed marriages and a lot of self-help, be proud of who you've become now as a result.
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Kim Blizzard 3 years ago
Just be sure that the joke is kind hearted. Otherwise it can blow up in your face.
Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
That's one thing the "bickering couples actually love each other" trope leaves out. A strong relationship had nothing to do with how much or how little you argue, it's about how good you are at resolving the conflicts that do arise.
Ein Steinbeck 3 years ago
This is known as a social "out" in psych and conflict management: it is designed to give two conflicting parties a way out of the conflict while still saving face and not appearing "weak". Even monkies do it. You also see it with idiots in bar fights who yell "HOLD ME BACK BRO" to their friends. It's all perfomative to avoid needless killing, which as any marriage counselor can tell you, is a major goal for most couples.
Alleman Jennifer 3 years ago
My husband and I have a solid go to "repair attempt" Shout "Don't tell me what I can and can't see!!!" We laugh and laugh. That is a direct quote from my dad who was in an argument with my mother as they were trying to put up a ceiling fan. They were full steam ahead bickering and it was HILARIOUS to listen to. It was 20 years ago, but still gold. RIP Dad.
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
This is a great response. My husband & I rarely argue about anything (what's to argue about REALLY?) Hey, could you please make sure to ...? Or to not ... ? If we're broke, arguing about it isn't going to magically make more money appear in the bank. We have pretty good communication skills, ie: "Hey, when was the last time you bought your wife some flowers for absolutely no reason?" OR "Hey, when was the last time you (insert your own personal preference here) for your husband?" Wink, wink. If you fight all the time without ever really dealing with the issue making you fight - you are FIGHTING a losing battle.
JensenDK 3 years ago
Oh wauv - didn't know it was a thing with a name. We do it all the time, my hubby and I. Very successful marriage, and people have asked us what it is that we do so well - I guess this is one of the things. And then that we always believe the other part never try to hurt on purpose.
#3
when one half says "I am not happy about X", do not respond with "ok but I am unhappy with Y." Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.
- 3 years ago (edited)
I did bring up something from years back that had really bothered me. I worded it as a question - "Why did you behave as you did?" which gave me insight into my partner's thinking. Then I calmly said, "It would have helped me if you had done --" Then I moved on. He's been terrific in other situations, so it helps me to know what situations are more difficult for him and why.
El Dee 3 years ago
They have short memories, bring it up when it's recent or they won't remember why they did it. Often they aren't thinking at all, simply acting instinctively and that is the problem..
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Sensei 3 years ago
Don't let too much time go by if something ongoing really bothers you. Otherwise it will become a continuing sore spot. Also, if you have a problem, the most important person to tell is not your friend but your spouse. You may get support, but, your friend is not the solution. They may give advice, but if they don't care for your spouse, they may use it as an opportunity to cause problems in your marriage.
Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
It's almost as if you have to treat others the way you would like to be treated. Yes problems come up, but a relationship is not a competition, you're on the same team. Have a problem? Solve the problem.
John C 3 years ago
Oh man, if I could change one thing about my wife (which I would never do even if I could, just talking hypotheticals here) this would be it. So tired of not being able to breach subjects because I'll only get an unrelated retort of something I've done.
- 3 years ago
Dad? Seriously, that sounds like my mother! Would counseling help? My parents only went once, so it didn't really work.
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Jasper Cool 3 years ago
This is good in parent child relationships too. Or friendships. Or work relationships.
George Chmielewski 3 years ago
I brought up an incident from years ago. I didn’t make a big deal about it but I did say it was very hurtful, which it was. It was the first time I could really talk about it without crying and I didn’t want to do that. He didn’t remember but I felt relieved that I could finally say something without getting emotional. I have now been able to move on from the incident. I wouldn’t recommend keeping a hurt inside but confront it at the time and move on.
AuberJean 68 3 years ago
George Chmielewski that's really the key. If someone hurts you and you don't say anything they may think it's ok to do that, even subconciously. When someone does something I like, I let them know right away, as well.
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Will Lanni 3 years ago
I really appreciate this one. So many times I would be at my limits in frustration, afraid to bring up what was going on for me that my ex would be doing because the immediate reaction would be this like completion of who's behaviors are more frustrating. Never actually get to solutions. Just one-up-ing each other with the stuff we drove each other crazy with. My lessons learned: TRUST and PATIENCE: if my partner is bringing something up that I do, and I have something that she does, I'll trust that we can handle it once we've got a solution to my behavior. Just have patience. I love this person... just trust that they have my back as well.
SelkieBlackfysh 3 years ago
Sadly in a lot of past relationships the only way the girl ever bothered listening to my issues were when I tacked them into her issues.
#4
Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies.
Caro Caro 3 years ago
I so want that car and campgearsleeptent thingy.... I can see me touring sunny Europe or South Africa or Down Under ... COOL
Tracy Wallick 3 years ago
I'd love one of those to visit as many national parks as possible in the US-- I've been to a ton of them and there's still so many I haven't been to yet!
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Daniel (ShadowDrakken) 3 years ago
I totally agree, and yet at the same time, it's really friggin hard to find and make friends as an adult, and harder still with Asperger's and social anxiety... :( I WANT more friends, but hell if I know how to find any :\
Amanda Reicha 3 years ago
It's this that makes me feel guilty. As a disabled person, I have put a lot of weight on my husband's shoulders. He's the solo provider, caretaker when I need to go places. I have no friends as an adult and I see it bringing him down at times. I do what I can and I try not to make him do more, but that's all I can do in my situation.
Beth S 3 years ago
I can relate Amanda. I try to make friends, but it is SO HARD. In my case I am chronically ill - people get irritated that I never get better, then they move on. Hang in there!
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Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
And not realizing this can breed huge amounts of buried resentment
PSimms 3 years ago
I memba one time I had day off work, asked my buddy who had day off work to play tennis. He said he couldn't because his wife, who did not have that day off work, would be mad that he played tennis while she was working. How selfish is that? Six months later he realized she was cheating on him.
AuberJean 68 3 years ago
PSimms very selfish. What happened to live and let live?
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Sapna Sarfare 3 years ago
This is an good tip. I see a lot of couples getting joined at the hips and have common friends etc. They live a together life. Please have a life outside of the marriage. Go out with friends who are not common. Have groups that are not common. Or even have some me time... it is vital. I see so many connect with old friends after ages and the awkwardness is palpable...
Craig Reynolds 3 years ago
I think this falls under, you had a life before marriage and you should still have it after!
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
THIS! My ex said I was responsible for his happiness. Um - NO. I can enhance or detract from your happiness, but I am not responsible for it. That's on you. So, basically, if he wasn't happy it was my fault, therefore removing any responsibility from himself. Even the marriage counselor looked at him like he was a moron.
#5
Children.
For the love of everything that is good and pure, don’t bring a child into a broken marriage expecting him to be the lifesaver, it has never worked and it will never, a child is supposed to be the consolidation of the mutual love of the couple, he arrives because the marriage is in a good place, not the other way around.
I work with kids and trust me, most kids are fully aware when mom and dad are in a bad state and he is the only reason they aren’t splitting, and also I have seen the typical dumb parent who believed once the child arrived his/her partner would have a change of heart and would be a better person, of course it didn’t happen, and of course the child was caught in the middle of that crossfire.
Why these people believe a child is the ultimate trump card for saving a marriage is beyond me
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
Yes. Children will never save a relationship. It's the other way around. Many relationships are great pre-kids but doesn't work after. Children tend to push gender roles to the extreme and takes a lot of focus away from you as a couple. That combination destroy relationships if it isn't strong to begin with. Make sure to work on your relationship before you have kids so it's strong enough to "be on hold" for as long as the kids needs you more.
Kivebo 3 years ago
Then again, an earlier post was about not putting the relationship “on hold” because of the children.
Load More Replies... Sapna Sarfare 3 years ago
This is the sad part in India where the elders think a child will change things for better. No it does not. It worsens things and the kid bears the brunt for no fault of his or her own
Christy A Kyriss 3 years ago
That is why I almost did not bother with marriage. My mother did not have a good one, so she leaned on me a lot. Looking back, a lot of things were inappropriate.
Load More Replies... MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
And never stay together for the child. Divorce is not a huge issue if it's explained to the children, and if they need to speak to a counsellor the schools have them and they do help. But, really, kids are best when both parents are happy whether they live together or not.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
The other thing is getting married because someone accidentally got pregnant. Just because you share a kid together doesn't mean you have to hitch your wagon to each other for life. My parents not only got married because my mother got pregnant with my oldest brother, they supposedly stayed married for the sake of us kids. The day my father told me that...I said "No offense, but we would have been better off coming from a broken home. You think it was healthy for us to grow up in a house with you two screaming at each other constantly? We were terrified of you two. Why do you think we stayed in our rooms every time we were home?"
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
Children end up as victims, not saviors, and it's a terrible burden to put on a child either way.
Christy A Kyriss 3 years ago
Yeah. That was me. My husband and I opted out of parenthood. I talked sense into my mom to get a divorce from our abuser. I'm not sure if I'll ever heal.
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El muerto 3 years ago
because people are told that, to have a relationship work, you need to get married, and have kids. that make the marriage complete and thus it should make the whole thing function as "it should". if that doesn't, then they go on getting a perfect house and family car, matching sweaters and air fryer. thinking that those are the missing ingredients. because all society told them was about the things they needed to get to be happy and nothing about what you actually have to do, to live a better emotional life
AuberJean 68 3 years ago
Yes, El Muerto, this is so true! There is so much pressure on people to procreate! This is not happily ever after for many who are still children when they get married--no matter what age they are. My parents were so dysfunctional I decided early on to never have children. People have called me selfish. People used to say I'll regret it when I'm old. Because of my relationship experiences, I am thankful every day that I didn't let myself get talked into having children. My niece was depressed and overwhelmed before she had children. I saw her get pressured by people saying, "When are you going to get married?" Then, "When are you going to have kids?" Then, "When are you going to try for a boy?" Three girls later with a husband who refuses to help, she is the most unhappy person I know. I see how their relationship has changed. Men and Women--you have other options! At least don't rush into parenthood because you've been told by movies, books, and those who have children that you must.
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Alana Voeks 3 years ago
Your children are not your caretakers, your children are not your therapists, your children are not the adults. You need to be, and start taking responsibility for your own damn life.
Christy A Kyriss 3 years ago
I was parentified & still resent the emotional burdens imposed on me. My parents shouldn't have bothered.
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Nadine G 3 years ago
1000% this. I, and my siblings, are children of a marriage like this. I've known since I was 12 that my parents would one day split. 14 years old my mom tells me if it wasnt for my siblings and I, she wouldn't be with my father. Early/mid 20s, they split. None of their kids know what a healthy relationship looks like. Dont do this to someone.
HK Hoel 3 years ago
I also think a lot of individuals who have bad mental health, struggle with addiction, or are unhappy with life in some other ways think that having a kid is going to magically cure them because society loves to push this fantasy of "having a baby changed my life! i got my act together as soon as i saw the precious life i was responsible for! my depression went away and i got clean/sober and everything got better!" ... sure, there are stories of people for whom having a kid was a wake-up call and they PUT IN THE WORK to improve their lives for the kid, but the kid isn't going to magically make it better. if you were unable to fix your own life beforehand, it isn't going to get any easier when you have a baby.
#6
Divorce lawyer here. Talk. About. Money. Talk. About. Sex. If you're marrying someone with a sh*tty credit score, you should know how and why they ended up with it, lest you find yourself in their shoes very quickly. A credit score can cost thousands and take Y E A R S to rebuild. Know if they have any tax liens or liability. Are they paying child support and do they have any kind of garnishment? Who is going to be responsible for managing the finances? How many credit cards does the other person have and what are their balances? I've seen money kill a lot of marriages. Another one a lot of people don't think of is actually talking about sex, not just having it. Do you enjoy the sex you have? Would you like to have more of it? Less? Would you like to se it change? Do you or the other person have any weird kinks? Just have the talk. Different sexual wavelengths can be difficult to reconcile.
Evelyn Haskins 3 years ago
Hmm. And do NOT pick a fight with your partner (aka wife) so she weeps and agrees to have sexual intercourse to turn away your anger.
Melissa M 3 years ago
The problem is that even if a husband and wife keep separate finances, you can still get screwed. My fiancé gets collection letters because he doesn’t pay his bills on time. Not too keen on the possibility of my pay being garnished because he can’t be responsible.
Joanne Lawrence 3 years ago
Look into ways to protect yourself from that. I'd get legal advice on that particular point if I were you. Where I live, the only way a creditor gets to come after me for my husband's debts is if they put a lien on our matrimonial home. Bizarrely, I just looked this up and found out that my husband could file for bankruptcy in his personal capacity and basically not have it affect me except as it regards any joint assets like the house. For my husband and I, we each own our car separately, have totally separate bank accounts and investments. Our only joint asset is the house. Initially I wasn't even on our bills because he was paying them, but like your situation, he wasn't paying them on time, so I took that over and rejigged how we split household expenses.
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Sarah Spencer 3 years ago
Sex - yes. Absolutely yes. talk about everything that feels good, talk about the details, get really comfortable with that! it's essential. Money... Be careful. Talking about it is fine, but I am protective of my financial independence, despite always working as a team. I don't catalogue every debt, card, transaction etc for my partner nor do I expect him to do so for me. Both of us have unfortunately come from previous relationships where we were the hard workers/earners and expected to provide money for other people to spend and enjoy. We have been very much taken for granted, and our finances picked apart and pucked clean by demanding partners and other family members. The deal between us as a couple is - as long as we are paying half each of everything we need to cover for our home, and we know we each have healthy finances/pension/savings we don't ask each other for the finer details. I want him to feel safe to enjoy his own money for himself, without feeling guilty. And I am extremely grateful that he also helps me feel able to treat myself occasionally and do things I've previously put off doing. It's like we have given each other permission take some of our earnings for something positive and fun. And it's taken a long time to get comfortable with that, for both of us!
Will Lanni 3 years ago
I grew up with a lot of stigmas around sex, and it took years to get comfortable talking about things we like, kinks, things we definitely don't like... it's still a practice but wow it's so much easier to talk through stuff.
#7
When I was in my twenties, I was working as a nursing assistant, and the veteran nurse on the unit walked in holding hands with her husband. I commented that you don't see that every day, and she leaned in and said, 'You want to know the secret, kid?' I said yes, and she continued, 'People don't know how to grow and change together. You will change, and so will your partner. But the question is whether you know how to grow and change together.'
Marco Hub-Dub 3 years ago (edited)
Growing and changing together isn’t about bending or capitulating to your partner. It’s about supporting their positive change and growth and assimilating into your life while you grow and change in positive ways and share your experiences with them. It’s about letting go of ego, power politics and selfish agendas in appropriate doses for the sake of exchanging interests and experiences and being happy for them and supportive. Or, having a sense of wonder that is shared and validated. If your reaction to this posts advice is that you’d be giving up any aspect of your character or identity to grow & learn with your partner, you are not grown nor have learned enough to be in a truly happy and authentically healthy relationship.
ThePanInPanda 3 years ago
My bf and I have been growing apart for a while, and it's put a lot of strain on our relationship :(
Desiree Lyles 3 years ago
OH SO True! I seen this within myself and others every five years you change, simple people don't want to believe it but we all do! Alot of people don't like change that's where the problem comes in. Men want women to stay the same which is impossible and don't add children in the mix ! Women want men to improve which in other words..... change to their liking which isn't fair.
El muerto 3 years ago
you don't have to know how to change together...basically, it says the complete opposite to everything else...you'll change and your partner will change, sometime the same direction, sometimes the oposite...she says that you can make yourself change in a way it fits to how you partner changes, I don't know if that is so ealthy
#8
Not listening, most people listen to respond and don't listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!
leia's emotional cupcake 3 years ago
yes! Relationships with anyone always work better when both people respect the other's opinion and ideas.
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P. Mozzani 3 years ago
I have found that a good practice is to repeat back what you've heard. Many times, it can clear up something that we "think" that we heard the other person say. It gives the other person a chance to clarify, if she/he chooses to do so. It's the old expression of: He said, she heard.
Jhenn Whalen 3 years ago
I'm guilty of this and I hate it. It's an ADHD thing where you're both impulsive and worry if you wait you'll forget the thought
Will Lanni 3 years ago
This one is SOOO good and SOOO hard (at first). I noticed I was just waiting for whoever I was talking to to finish talking so I could make some point. But by the time they were done, the point I wanted to make was actually out of context, and honestly... never really made a difference anyway. I learned to "dance in the conversation": be so in tune with the speaker that my own thoughts/opinions are essentially drowned out and listen such that they feel "gotten", heard, understood so much so they don't feel like they need to continue talking. Then there is space for me, if a response is even needed. My biggest problem is getting over my own ego as of what I think it have to say is somehow that mind-blowing.
Alana Voeks 3 years ago
It's everyone. If you can learn to listen to understand, you'll have a much easier time getting through life
AuberJean 68 3 years ago
As long as you don't argue with yourself, it's all good. ;-)
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#9
Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength.
Caro Caro 3 years ago
It makes them (and you) feel seen and appreciated. Acknowledging that something was done, tasted good, fixed, whatever.
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
In other words, be as courteous to your life partner as you would/should be to total strangers!
Load More Replies... Tracy Wallick 3 years ago
I was never, ever shown gratitude growing up, and was very deprived myself. So whenever anyone does something for me, partner or not, I make a point of being extra gracious. (And as a nice side-effect, people are more likely to do things for me later because they know how much I appreciate it)
Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago (edited)
I once heard, love is a noun but it's also a verb. You want the feelings of love, you have to perform the ACTIONS of love. Especially if you're a couple who's relationship is strained.
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
It actually does. My boyfriend says thank you to me for the smallest things. It makes me step back and think about things in a more simple light, and I don't feel like I need to do anything grand to make him happy.
Jennifer Norton 3 years ago
By doing this on a regular basis you create an associating in your S/O of a positive nature. When they see you they remember that positive interaction and it brings them joy. It's really simple!
Blondieybat 3 years ago
Every time hubs takes me anywhere but the kitchen to eat, he gets a thank you, even fast food drive through. And for a fair few other reasons. I get a lot of thank yous for things I do. He knows I am not his maid.
Christy A Kyriss 3 years ago
My husband and I express gratitude to each other, regularly. For the 1st time in my life, I truly feel appreciated, instead of used up by other family.
#10
Not a therapist but I read an article once that I found very useful. I can’t remember he exact terms but basically, how you react when your partner reaches out with small probes for connection. It’s not necessarily big hobbies or interests, but little things throughout every day that are sort of unconscious reaches for positive feedback from your partner. For example: I see a pretty bird outside and I say “omg! Come look at this cool bird!” Or “hey check out this song I heard that I really like.” If my partner passively or blatantly rejects that, it feels bad, even if I don’t always fully recognize that in the moment. Over time, those micro-rejections as I call them start to buildup and it’s why people start to feel like someone doesn’t really care about them. On the flip side, even just a little bit of positive attention and sharing in a moment makes you feel so good, again even if you don’t realize it. Getting up and looking at the bird is saying, “this is important to you in this moment so it’s important to me.” It’s basically like those are the small shared experiences that build up a joint life and if you start to neglect your partner in those small ways, you can grow distant. I try really hard now to never ignore or reject my partners small reaches. I often don’t care about the Instagram meme he wants to show me or the latest NBA news, but I’ll listen or look and laugh because I want him to feel loved and appreciated.
Madeleine Wade 3 years ago
They are called bids. When a certain threshold of bids are ignored or rejected (something like 20 percent) then the relationship deteriorates. This can include attempts at eye contact or any kind of attention.
El muerto 3 years ago
the thing is, sometimes people do this, to "test" the relationship. if you do it 10 times is easy to react properly to them. but if you do it a hundred times, then is easy for the other party to lose track, and of course is very obvious when you miss a great majority of those
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Sareaesque 3 years ago
Pets are great for this, most of the interruptions to our day is one of us calling the other to come and look at something cute/funny one of the cats is doing. No matter how busy we are, we always make a few seconds to check it out or take a photo to send to the other if they can't.
Nicole Harnischfeger 3 years ago
I’m so glad I read your comment. It’s so damaging, these ‘micro rejections’ you speak of. My mother is currently struggling with this issue and I couldn’t find the words to properly explain what I think the cause for her feelings are. She feels so unimportant after 30 years and I knew it was because her partner never acts interested in anything she chooses to show or tell him. I didn’t know the best way to explain it to her until now. I shared your post with her and she sobbed while saying “EXACTLY! He never lets me show him things or talk about things, especially the birds and deer in the yard. He’ll say ‘I’m ok’ when I ask him to come look at the cardinal in the birdbath. I would instantly start to cry quietly but I never knew why. Now it makes sense. I start crying every time he makes me feel like he could care less that I’m here and wanting to share my life with him.” I really feel like she realizes how bad he makes her feel and that she’s ready for it to end. Thanks for this🙏🏻🧡
Jennifer Norton 3 years ago
I didn't know how important this was until my second (current) marriage. He indulges me when I am excited and when he wants to share something silly with me I engage and am in the moment with him. These things are silly little things but it's fun to share them with the one you love. And it's even more fun when they openly allow it because it means even though it's not something they care about, they clearly care about you and that's all that matters!
Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
This is a great point. Please don't call them micro rejections lol
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
After 14+ years my husband still asks if I mind if he goes in the other room to play his guitar. I love listening to him play, and tell him so often - but his ex thought his music was in direct competition with her, so he still asks. Sad, really.
#11
Expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants.
Caro Caro 3 years ago
What's wrong? "nothing". Worse response and doesn't do a darn thing for whatever it is you want done or fixing or whatever. Nobody can read minds.
Alana Voeks 3 years ago
This is true, but sometimes people need time to think about how to articulate things. When it gets to a point that makes you concerned is when you should bring up the fact that "hey, you've been avoiding me this whole time. I know it's not nothing, but it makes me feel invisible when nothing is brought to light".
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MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
Whenever I say "nothing" I'm deliberating in my head if there's a real issue or if I'm overreacting. The times I have just blurted out what's bothering me it gets mistranslated as an accusation.
Will Lanni 3 years ago
Totally makes sense. I wonder if a slightly differently worded response would give you more effectiveness? I was dating a gal who said to me, "hey I'm not sure how I feel about this, can I have a little time to process?" I gave her a lot of space, checked in occasionally, and later on we'd have a pretty calm/collected talk because she had time to process, AND my expectations were managed well by her communication.
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Carol Emory 3 years ago
My husband and I have no problems in this area. We tell each other how we feel and we work things out. If I want something, I tell him. If he wants something, he tells me. Hinting doesn't work. Clear communication does.
El muerto 3 years ago
partner gives you evil eye for a while. you ask "what's wrong?" she say "nothing". gives you the evil eye for a while longer...then she goes "I feel this and that. and you would even care"..."You could have said so". she "I shouldn't have to"..."I'm sorry but my Jedi power haven't kicked in yet"
Craig Reynolds 3 years ago
That photo is perfect. Mixed nationality marriages take extra work (I know) to understand each other because of cultural differences. Even the same exact simple sentence can be interpreted completely differently. My wife is Asian and a naturalized citizen fully fluent in English, yet after 15 years of marriage, we still struggle to understand each other at times.
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
You are an adult. SPEAK UP. Every once in a while one of us will simply say, "Hey - I need some attention!" A decent hug and it's all good.
Desiree Lyles 3 years ago
Give space then speak about what's driving you nuts!, communication is key.
#12
Getting married because they wanted a wedding, not because they wanted to be married.
T. D. Bostick 3 years ago
Another mistake: blowing your life savings on a wedding ceremony and then wondering why you fight over finances later.
Willem Groenewald 3 years ago
Or worse, take out 5 year loans. I've seen that happened.
Load More Replies... MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
This. I have fantasized a fancy wedding, but only the aesthetics. The more I think about what's actually involved, the more I realize it probably will not go how I envision at all. And I hate being center of attention. I would rather hire entertainers to pull people's stares away from me.
Nina Khmielnitzky 3 years ago
Yup, that's why I got married. I wanted the wedding, the white dress, etc. I was glad I did, because the little family I have came from overseas and it was the first and the last time everyone was reunited. Many of them died in the last few years. However, the marriage didn't last. I never should have married him.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
I never understood the appeal of a huge wedding. What purpose does it serve?
Melissa M 3 years ago
Doing my best to avoid or prolong walking down the aisle. He’s not marriage material
Tarhes ~ 3 years ago (edited)
Break up. Why waste time on someone who you don't see in your future? Being single isn't the worst thing in the world. It's very good for figuring out what you want and need so can identify a complimentary partner.
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TheartfulDutchGinger 3 years ago (edited)
Well ehmm...my husband was married before he met me. He was divorced and didn't really want to get married again. I wanted to have a wedding. Because I never had one. Regardless, I knew I wanted to grow old with this man and viceversa. But he didn't need a piece of paper for that. So we got married because I wanted to do that once in my life. Just a small one, just us and a few friends and family. He was fine with that. We didn't make any debt and it was a lovely day. We've been married for 15 years next month.
CelticElff 3 years ago
FFS, just elope! I've had both (first marriage crashed and burned hard) and eloping was the best decision. We've been married 18 years and still going well :)
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
OMG! My sister! She spent so much time planning her wedding she didn't even stop to think about the marriage. (She married "The Wallet"). He's a complete jackass & treats her like crap.
#13
Keeping secrets or lies.
Eucritta 3 years ago
I'm going to somewhat disagree. Lies, no, I agree with that. But radical transparency, I not only don't think it's necessary, I think it can be erosive. We all need some basic privacy. Act like adults.
Ein Steinbeck 3 years ago
Yeah, radical transparency is horrible. People need space and privacy, both physically and psychologically. Forcing them to constantly violate a basic need (security) like that only ends in bad things (or really boring people).
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 3 years ago
You don't have to tell each other absolutely everything. My husband doesn't need to know how much the present was that I got for him...as long as we can afford it and aren't putting ourselves in needless debt to get it for him. He doesn't need to know about every conversation I've had with everyone. But we also don't lie on the important things or hide things from each other. That just destroys trust.
NsG 3 years ago
Temporary secrets are okay in context. What I've booked my hubby for his birthday is a secret surprise. His birthday isn't for a few months, but the technicalities of it mean I needed to sort it early. And it's really bothering me that I can't tell him yet! And he's worse than I am. I once, genuinely, received an Xmas present in November because he couldn't keep it hidden for another month. Keeping secrets is hard when you have a strong relationship built on trust - you don't want to do it (but it'll spoil the surprise for him and the others if I don't).
Shelli LotusFlower 3 years ago (edited)
Radical transparency is everything in a marriage. No locked cell phones, no hidden accounts. Once you have that, then you erase 99% of the “deal killers” ie adultery, surprise debt etc. Then when there’s an issue you know you’re both equally invested and end up as one of those annoyingly but genuinely happy couples.
Caro Caro 3 years ago
Destroying trust is easy. Gaining or re-gaining trust takes forever and might not be successful.
Load More Replies... Craig Reynolds 3 years ago
Lies are too much work! You have to force yourself to remember every detail of the lie. With the truth, there is nothing to be forced to memorize.
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
Sometimes being truly honest is painful, but keeping secrets can absolutely RUIN your relationship. Learn to communicate.
#14
I was asked once.... what is marriage, 50/50? 60/40? 75/25? I said 50/50. Nope! The answer is 100/100. Both must be willing to do everything for each other, all of the time. Simple as that. Free advice I thought I would pass along.
Jay Mason 3 years ago
There is a line if thought that says marriage is a 60-40 proposition, except that each person has to willingly be the 60 percenter
Ozacoter 3 years ago
I think that it can be flexible as soon as its banced. Sometimes one is in a low spot and the other one needs to do 60-70%. But then the other one needs to be ready to do the same when their partner is in a low moment
Load More Replies... MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
This is what Alice Cooper said about his marriage during an interview. He said it's not 50/50. It's 100/100.
setsuriseikou 3 years ago
Yes. Because if 100 is a well-functioning marriage, then you need these 100 at all times, else it's over. But we're all human, and there are days when one can only do 30, 15 or 5. Or maybe 0, 'cause things get really, really tough sometimes. So as long as the other does their 100 at these times, they are safe. And if they both strive to do 100 each, just imagine the kind of happiness they'll have!
Jeff Striks 3 years ago
100/100 is too much pressure sometimes. I like a sliding scale. Sometimes 50/50, sometimes 90/10, sometimes 10/90. You're there for each other, always. But you can't always each give 100%
ThePanInPanda 3 years ago
THIS. Giving 100% all the time works on paper, but it can frankly be exhausting and lead to putting your partner over your own happiness and well-being. Give what you can, and be there for each other, but nobody can realistically put 100% into a relationship 24/7. You took the words right out of my mouth, Jeff!
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 3 years ago
I've seen marriages where the wife is the breadwinner and the husband is the stay at home parent. I've seen where one person is the aggressive business person and the other is the supporter and quiet type. Any kind of relationship can work if both are willing participants in it. But if one takes off on a stellar career at the cost of the other one whose dream it was to have a stellar career..there are going to be problems.
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago
Marriage is basically 2 people making a conscious decision to not give up on each other.
Nicole Harnischfeger 3 years ago
Who knew that free advice would wind up being the best advice? Not me….but here we are 🤣 I never really looked at it like that but after reading your comment, I know that this is exactly the kind of relationship I want…100/100! Thanks for this 🙏🏻😊
Alesha Folsom 3 years ago
I feel that at any time marriage is any percentage. Sometimes you have to give all because maybe your partner is sick and can't. Or maybe one of you has hurt the other, and you're trying to mend the bond at the time. Or, you're harmonious and it's a pretty much 50-50 split. Marriage is work, and is rarely in this state because you are two people with your own opinions and feelings and emotions. Unless you're already disconnected and live separate lives and just don't really "talk" anymore.
Niall Mac Iomera 3 years ago
This is dumb. It's 50/50 because it's equal share, not because you only give 50%. 100/100 is saying both people do all the work.
#15
Keeping score. A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (I.e: I always..., she never...). Remembering that each person has his/her own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple.
JustAnother Soul 3 years ago
I keep score of all the wonderful, kind, thoughtful things he does. I remind myself of these things whenever I start to feel critical. I also tell him how appreciative I am every day for all the good things he does for me.
Will Lanni 3 years ago
This goes back to that gratitude post above. Great strategy! Then your mind is full of wonderful stuff rather than negative. Mashes such a huge difference.
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Ralitza Patchéva-Alexandrova 3 years ago
Buying a dishwasher was a life-changer in our marriage! Before it we were arguing all the time who's turn to do the dishes is, and those were about 90% of our arguments! We found the solution, and here we are 17 years married
Jhenn Whalen 3 years ago
Sometimes, if you forgive and don't pay attention to repeat offenses (or 'score ') it makes you invalidate or ignore blatant abuse or manipulation from a partner. Recognize patterns and question motivation/intent. Some people can be both wonderful and terrible and it isn't worth suffering for
pemdas927 3 years ago
My wife and I have a shared bank account. 100% of our money is shared. We'll joke when the bill comes or we're ready to check out "do you want to get it, honey, or do you want me to get it¿" or "Oh, I just spent $100 on dinner, but you're gonna splurge the $15 treats afterwards. Sounds fair."
Mega Tron 3 years ago
This one scares me about my relationship honestly. Luckily, I've been good, but the wife has had some things in the past, not huge deal breakers but big enough for me to get upset. She changed the situation, so no big deal. She CANNOT let them go, even though I've moved on. Its been 13 years. She constantly says things about how perfect I am, which of course no one is. I am terrified if I mess up, she will never let it go, since she can't even seem to forgive herself.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
Bringing up the crap that's happened in the past serves no purpose. Each of us has grown and moved on since then. We have a healthy respect for each other that makes sure we stay true to each other. Stop bringing up the stupid things they did 20 years ago. The problem is in the here and now...deal with it like mature adults.
Mega Tron 3 years ago
The pastor who did our wedding said, if you are walking along the sidewalk and see a dog turd, step over it and keep walking. If you pick it up and pull it apart with your fingers and say "this is disgusting, how could someone just leave this here? I cant believe someone would do this", it doesn't help, it can ONLY make it worse. BUT remember where it was so you don't step in it later.
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Jimmy Lewis 3 years ago
I'm married to a score keeper. She knows it's killing us, but she still does it.
Melissa Wickison 3 years ago
Appreciate the things your partner does even if it's not perfect. If they ask you to do something a specific way, listen, especially if it's just a nice simple thing. Both of things are great! Another wonderful thing, remember if you have instructed someone never to do something!! It's wrong to hold it against them, even moreso if you've told them not to do it
Agnes Jekyll 3 years ago
This kind of got me into trouble--I didn't pay attention to all the bad things that were happening. I made excuses. I assumed that if I would change my behaviour, he would be happy again, he would be kind again. So maybe--if something happens, bring it up at once, resolve it, and then move on. Well, sigh.
#16
As soon as couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bullsh*t of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other's goals. If you're not on the same team, you're just going to wind up annoying the f*ck out of each other. All that bullsh*t of life is going to be beating you down and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of a refuge.
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
Yes. If you're not a team you just break each other down and there is no "safe place". That's really toxic.
Will Lanni 3 years ago
Along these lines, I discovered the hard way how important it is to have some interests in common. Of course each person should have their own life and interests, but it's pretty important to share some big ones together that you can act on as a team
#17
Going to a marriage counselor believing that it's like a judge and s/he will tell them who's right and who's wrong.
Alei Griffieon 3 years ago
I loved my counselor she really got us trough a rough spot 8-9 yrs into our marriage. We have been together 20 yrs and married 14 and its better than ever now with baby 2 on the way
Rembrandt Q. Einstein 3 years ago
Therapists are (or at least should be) a neutral party with no sides.
pemdas927 3 years ago
The wifey and I had to attend a marriage counselor before our pastor would marry us. It was actually really good for us. Learning the different ways people show love and how we show love. Believe it or not, that's important. She also taught us that when we fight, to reconstruct what the other person said because a lot of fights start by misinterpreting what was said. She taught us to start off w/ "so what I'm hearing you say is..." We normally don't use it the way she intended and we kind of make a joke of it, but it's the joke that helps de-escalate the tense situation.
Donna Sweeney 3 years ago
We went to a marriage counselor my husband chose and he got angry and quit when she insisted on hearing my view of things. He thought he should answer everything!
LivingTheDream 3 years ago
Unfortunately, I have been to a marriage counselor that did just that. She bought into my ex's spin on everything. I didn't realize until years later how manipulative my ex was and how I had been gaslighted for years. The best thing that ever happened to me was that divorce and the big open world i discovered afterwards.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
Yep..they aren't there to side with someone. They are there to get you to talk to each other. They are a coach to train you the right way to communicate so that each person is heard. That is it....
#18
The most important thing I would stress is don't go to bed angry. If my wife and I have a problem, we talk it out or the lights stay on until we're done. You cannot let those silent wedges dig their way into your souls. Something will break eventually, and may be irreparable. I would like to end with a very positive example of communication. Last Saturday my wife and I woke up and started cooking for an evening to be spent at a friend's house to watch the new Deadwood movie. We LOVE the series and have watched it at least 4 or 5 times. We were going to make a themed meal of a crock pot of chili with cornbread and of course, peaches with authorized cinnamon. My wife put on the soundtrack for the show, and we got started in the kitchen. As she was taking something down from the cupboard, I noticed the scattering of gray in her hair. Then the Lyle Lovett song "Old Friend" began to play. It had never meant much to me before, but in that moment it hit me SO hard. I nearly broke down on the spot. Remember how Amelie dissolved into a puddle? That's what my heart did. I realized that she is my old friend. Of course, I don't think of her as old, but we're both getting older. Still, at 63 she's often mistaken for being a decade younger. Attitude and energy counts for a lot, and that's part of the reason why we fit so well because we still feel young at heart. I took a minute to compose myself and we carried on cooking. But that feeling wouldn't go away. It wasn't as if I didn't know that she's the love of my life, but that moment was such an intense confirmation that it took me two days to tell her because I wasn't sure that I'd get through it without breaking down, and I didn't want her to think that my tears meant something was wrong. I told her yesterday afternoon when I got home from work, and she was so happy to hear it. She's been out of work for six months, and really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and attractiveness. We've both gained some weight, but to me, she's still as beautiful and sexy as ever. She really appreciated hearing how I felt exactly because she was dealing with all these negative thoughts, and just me telling her how I felt was a big boost for her. Talk to your partners, people! Don't assume. Confirm. Love needs to be nurtured in order to last. Do the work.
MomJeans 3 years ago
I disagree. Sometimes you have to go bed angry to give yourself time and space to cool off. It's not always worth staying up all night going round and round.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
I agree with MomJeans. Sometimes a cooling off period is good. But don't leave the issue unaddressed for long because it can fester into something even more problematic.
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Shane S 3 years ago
I disagree. I get emotional and worked up and make things bigger than they are. Sometimes I need some distance to stop and realize, “yeah, I was really upset about being upset- not the action that triggered it”.
Charles C 3 years ago
That is also something you should take to a therapist about. These items of advice are to help keep a relationship healthy. Having to step away to clear your mind is great but also becomes a trusting better, when you incorporate your partner in the process.
Load More Replies... Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago (edited)
Having a fully realized resolution to the conflict is not the same as not going to bed angry, which is not the same as 'not letting the sun set with you in a provoked state'. You don't have to have all of life's problems solved, just get to the point where you aren't hateful or resentful at the offending party. Get your emotions under control. You control them, not your partner.
Jasper Cool 3 years ago (edited)
This is terrible advice. You can't force resolve conflict to meet a trite time line. Especially in a 12-16ish hour time span. It's ok to be mad in a relationship. Sometimes people need time to process their feelings or cool off. Also forcing someone to stay up every time and resolve something when they have work, kids, or medical issues/disability is really not ok. I get doing it once in a while if it's pressing.
Nicolle Woodard 3 years ago
Oh and go to bed angry is the worst I can't sleep I stress and then I get resentful and even more angry!
Rachael Smith 3 years ago
This has value, but I disagree. I'd amend it to; don't go to bed with it all still up in the air. Saying "I'm still upset about this, but we're both tired and maybe tomorrow we'll see it a bit differently. Can we revisit this tomorrow?"
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
Much better idea, but it probably doesn't cut it with most men. My ex simply fell asleep the instant his head hit the pillow, and I laid awake 1) because of his very loud snoring and 2) I was too worked up and upset to sleep. I got to the point where I simply didn't argue because I seemed to be the only who cared about whatever.
Load More Replies... Charles C 3 years ago (edited)
This is one meant for aggressive personality types. Aggressive people shouldn't go to bed angry. They will wake up the same way. But I have found is even when I am upset, once I cuddle my wife we both let it go and fall asleep peacefully. This is one of 3 things she has asked of me and I am glad I chose to keep this promise. Love her more everyday!
Magalie Rolles 3 years ago
I disagree also. Been married 20 years and I’ve learned that I need to meditate about what made me tick or what made my hubby get upset. But then again I’ve learned a lot about myself and my husband.
Nicolle Woodard 3 years ago
This is so beautiful I hoped for my ex husband to treat me like this and talk about me this way, so hopefully I'll find my person and he will say this when we're 60🥰
#19
Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the "hot and heavy" phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn't just come naturally.
lenka 3 years ago
Maintenance sex does not equal intimacy. Intimacy is more than just sex.
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Carol Emory 3 years ago
This might be where we differ. Sex was important in the beginning, but sometimes you just grow out of it. What's more satisfying is other ways of intimacy like cuddling or smooching on the couch while watching a movie. Flirting is a big thing. But actually having sex...some people just aren't as interested in it anymore.
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
I believe that for many people sex/intimacy plays a bigger part than they think. And (lack of) sex can feel like a lack of love. So I believe it's really important to talk with your partner about how you feel about sex/intimacy and your expectations.
Shelby Moonheart 3 years ago
intimacy is sharing your heart, beliefs, dreams, and the work of marriage. It's not just physical.
Scarlett 3 years ago
Is like not having sex before marriage ok? I’ve had that pounded into my head for so many years it stuck and to tell the truth, I think I’d be fine with it. I have almost no sex drive nor am I interested in having sex with anyone, so I don’t mind at all.
Bernadette Macias 3 years ago
Some people are asexual (a.k.a. ace, Google for more info) and that's cool. Whether or not that's you, the important thing is *honest, open communication* about desires, needs, expectations. If James Carville and Mary Matalin (top-of-their game, nationally-recognized, passionately political advisors from different political parties) have made their marriage work since 1993, any relationship built on mutual respect and commitment can work. Review all the recommendations here, no accident the majority deal with communication. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. Decisions should be made in consultation, not unilaterally; be open to revisiting & adjusting decisions over the months and years. Things ARE NOT FAIR, not 50/50, but each of you should be prioritizing the well-being of the other as much as your own. If you're too uncomfortable to have these convos, maybe not get married unless and until you can.
Load More Replies... Jennifer Norton 3 years ago
Yes! Sex is very important and should be kept going. But just as important are those moments where you cuddle or hug. Or touch each other as you pass. The physical is just as important as the mental!
jennifer kerkow 3 years ago
Intimacy means "inner truth". So, maintaining intimacy means spending time being open and honest with each other. It means accepting and loving the person's true self. We tend to posture a lot early in relationships, change ourselves to something we deem "better". Intimacy is when you drop that.
#20
Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, that they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt.
El muerto 3 years ago
and if you don't get it right 100% then you are selfish...nobody can care for you if they don't know what is going on inside you...just because you have told me all your traumas, that doesn't mean I can figure out everything you are going to feel an any giving moment...by the way, I'm also dealing with feelings that don't pause themselves as soon as yours come on
Craig Reynolds 3 years ago
Also, don't say you know how the other person feels. Not everyone feels the same way in the same situation. You might have stronger or weaker emotions than the other person. You can say, "I think I understand" because that actually gives the other person the opportunity to explain if they so choose. Saying, "I know" can shut that right down or even escalate the problem. Ever have one of those times when someone is just annoyed by something that you would be enraged about? It can go the other way too! They could be enraged over something you think is minor. Do NOT say that out loud. Never minimalize how they feel. It won't do either of you any good.
Load More Replies... Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
I know my wife incredibly well, but we're different people with different backgrounds and perspectives. Our assumptions about how certain things should be done, don't always align naturally and we have to understand that that's ok, and trust that the other has our back regardless
Alana Voeks 3 years ago
Get out of the 2nd stage of development and grow. What you feel and see is not what they feel and see
Parmeisan 3 years ago
My husband keeps forgetting to tell me when we have plans because, well, he knows about this thing so I must too. :D I caught myself doing it the other way too. We both know it doesn't work that way but we're around each other so much and have been so long that sometimes you just forget! It's never a real problem though, we communicate about important things and laugh when something small gets forgotten. :)
Jill Ferguson 3 years ago
I have never heard the term ‘emotional babysitting’ before. Makes sense. Happens in parenting too.
JustAnother Soul 3 years ago
Becoming psychic with your partner can come naturally after years together in a wonderful, close and loving relationship when you are both intricately in tune with each other. It’s a real thing and it’s wonderful. When you are out of sync with each other it loses its effectiveness.
#21
Lack of communication/comfort with discussing difficult topics. Or one partner being uncomfortable with discussion a topic which leaves both partners feeling frustrated or dissatisfied.
The Cute Cat 3 years ago
Communication is always the key.. And you could not always expect to be correct..
Shelli LotusFlower 3 years ago (edited)
Sounds goofy but create a “safe space” to argue. The terms are simple. No judgments, all topics on the table, no personal digs, only listening then asking fair questions. It works both ways and forces both to stay respectful. We had to use it a lot at first and remind each other of the terms.. Now yrs later it’s built into our disagreements so it’s not necessary to restate the terms.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
No topic is off limits for us. My husband will help talk me through women's issues (polite way of putting it.) He talks with me about embarrassing things. Being comfortable with each other and talking about hard topics means you can work out problems when they arise.
#22
When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don't react harshly if it's something they've refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive "Why didn't you bring this up sooner!" will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash. This is especially true if they've been victims of any kind of abusive relationships. Source: Literally killed my marriage because I was an idiot and didn't respond in an open, non-positive way.
Erik Oppenneer 3 years ago
Life isn't about not stepping in piles of poo, it is about not stepping in the same one twice.
Nicole Harnischfeger 3 years ago
POO WISDOM 101! My friend, you’re 100% right on this 👌
Load More Replies... Jeff Striks 3 years ago
My wife has to keep reminding me that she's no longer afraid to bring things up. She just has to wait for the right time. To collect her thoughts and whatnot. Why didn't she bring it up sooner? Because this was the soonest she could explain it properly
SelkieBlackfysh 3 years ago
I do this sometimes to my partner in a very light hearted way. She's really bad at allowing herself.. well. Things. Example. Me: Hey I'm making myself a couple bacon sandwiches. (She doesn't like bacon) would you like me to whip you up something while I'm here? Her: Oh no I'm not hungry don't worry. I eat my food and hear her belly rumble and she's looking ashamed because she WAS hungry but didn't want to 'inconvience me' but missed her window so now someone has to feed her lol. Me: See. Now why didn't you just say "yes honey I'm hungry" when I asked you dork? I'll go make you something now.
Tracy Wallick 3 years ago
I did this with my most recent ex, who I'm still very good friends with; he was reluctant to take up emotional real estate, so when he hesitated to bring things up, I'd preface it by telling him "I will never be angry at you for telling the truth" (noting that while I might not like *what* he says, I'm always grateful for his honesty). It's a big part of why we remained friends after deciding we weren't compatible as a couple.
Alana Voeks 3 years ago
This is one of the things that my ex did to shove me away. Told him in a very calm manner "I feel like I need to walk on eggshells when I talk to you sometimes" and he blew up at me. Well, snapped at me, but from that point on, I couldn't talk to him about anything, because at that point, he became my parents, and their emotional rollercoasters make it impossible fore to know when I can bring stuff up. That's where it really began to deteriorate.
Lynn Morello 3 years ago
Having toi bring things up, again and again and again, over months, not days, and every time it is mentioned, He goes off the deep end, "I am nagging again. I can't even clean the house without getting yelled at.
Faith Donovan 3 years ago
Sometimes it takes me days or even weeks or months to figure out what is making me unhappy, and may take longer to then figure out how to put it into words.
Mega Tron 3 years ago
I am loud and boisterous, but when I'm hurt, I quiet down. My wife used to think of this as the silent treatment, but in reality, I am processing. The things you say in the heat of the moment can't be taken back easily. So instead I walk away and start asking myself: Is this something that will bug me in 5 minutes? 5 days? 5 weeks? 5 years? If the answer is yes, I think about how I'm feeling and what I want to get across. Then communicate to make yourself understand, and be understood. Don't always assume you are the only one who needs to change, nor is it your partner who is the one who always needs to change either. Example: If two cogs in a machine work together, one might have a burr on it. As the cogs grind together as a team, that burr is either going to fall off, or wear a little groove in the other cog. Same with our annoying stuff, you either need to stop, or your partner will have to live with it.
#23
When you're hurt, say so, and stop trying to 'hurt back'. When someone does something or says something hurtful, whether conscious or not, let them know in a non accusatory way before you begin the game of throwing daggers. Much of the relationship damage that couples endure is the back and forth hurt-each-other game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage.
Laura Henderson 3 years ago
This is such a valuable point and should be much higher. Lashing back when hurt is an easy response, using the energy thrown at you to throw back. It takes practice and presence of mind to breathe, block the energy and say that it hurt you, and it saves so much escalation and unnecessary pain.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
My ex was often very hurtful and if I called him on it he'd just say "I'm being honest." People "being honest" is mostly an excuse to relabel their cruelty. That's why he's now my ex.
SelkieBlackfysh 3 years ago
I just walk away when my gf snaps or lashes out at me. She inevitably comes to me to apologize and I always ask her what's going on and we can have the dialogue to discuss why she's feeling so overwhelmed. I'm a sensitive guy so when the people I care about and I expect to care about me are hurtful to me, I really want to return the pain ten fold. I know it's toxic so I remove myself and her coming to me makes me feel less "inclined to attack".
#24
Thinking that they have to feel 'in love' at all times, and that if they don't, then they obviously married the wrong person.
Hobby Hopper 3 years ago
This. How could anyone watch all the TV and movies and read the books that reinforce this idea and not think so. But, it's a lie. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, sometimes big ones. It takes work.
GoldfishCrackers 3 years ago
Yes. My friends dad told her “sometimes your marriage will have bad days, bad weeks, bad months, or even bad years. That doesn’t mean it was wrong.” (Obviously this excludes abusive relationships, toxic situations, etc.) Just because it’s not perfect, doesn’t mean it’s a mistake.
Load More Replies... fateshurly 3 years ago
Did you always love your siblings or parents? No, but you still love them on a deep level. Same with partners
Rachael Smith 3 years ago
Yep. In a Reader's Digest some time ago there was a mention of a young woman who asked her elderly grandmother what the secret to her long marriage had been. After thinking a moment, Grandma replied "We never hated each other on the same day." Isn't that the truth?
SelkieBlackfysh 3 years ago
Truth. I always make time for my partner. But honestly? There's day I don't want to. There's days I feel like avoiding her. And everyone else lol. Some days I don't really want anything to do with her. I just want my space and to do me. Then the very next day I'm all over her. And some days she's the same! I've been gently rejected a few times when she just wanted to veg out. Didn't hurt my feelings. I get it.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
I get sick of all the shows and tv programs that only show couples that are lovey-dovey being the only "good" marriages. It's perfectly acceptable to be best friends with your partner and not their lover all the time. My husband is my bff. And, like friends, we razz each other and joke around more than anything. Getting smoochy or cuddly every once in a while is ok. But not 24-7.
#25
They say people divorce over money, but they don't — they divorce over values. And nothing brings out someone's values — or lack thereof — like money. If you can't understand the person's priorities, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and what drives them financially, if you look down on them for any of that, or if think you'll be able to fix any of that, don't marry them.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
I think this should be up higher. My parents also had a strained marriage because I think my Grandparents thought my dad married beneath him. They never really accepted my mother and she knew it. My father never held it against her and defended her to his parents. But he wasn't willing to draw the line in the sand either of "Stop treating her this way or you will never see me or your grandkids again." I was shocked when he told me years later that when he was 10 years old, he prayed to meet a girl he could take care of and help. I thought..that's why the marriage failed...you should have been praying for a woman that could be your best friend and equal. I'm so glad my marriage was nothing like my parents.
Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
Exactly. A relationship can change how someone expresses their values, but it'll never "fix" their priorities, their goals or their drive.
#26
Therapist here, have served couples.
Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity.
Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! :)
lenka 3 years ago
I come from an abuse background so my fear response is very strong. I'm not always able to control or accept that fear. What I CAN do is say to hubby, I'm not able to put my fear aside at the moment and have this conversation safely. I need some time to process and would like to come back to this conversation when I am able. Sometimes it only takes me an hour or two and sometimes it takes me days. My husband knows its not personal and he is infinitely patient. I make sure he knows how much I appreciate him making this space for me and we dont loose sight of each other in the process.
Will Lanni 3 years ago
The way you worded how you request some space to process.... wow it's great. It sounds like your hubby knows it's not personal just from the way you express your need to process. Well done!!
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Jonathan Nichols 3 years ago
My wife has had a great deal of trauma and I have had to learn to allow certain rigidities in how she handles herself in different situations. It can be very hurtful, but I understand where she's coming from and she appreciates the support I give her despite that and tries really hard to reciprocate.
Alana Voeks 3 years ago
Hey idiot parents, listen to this one. Your child needs to know they're right sometimes too. You telling them they're always wrong because something they did made you uncomfortable or was an accident that ruined something small is no reason to start losing it on your kids. You'll just make them resent you and have terrible relationships throughout their lives.
SelkieBlackfysh 3 years ago
I liken it to kayaking down a river. Most days it's easy going you can stop and enjoy the sights. Some days the water is moving too fast and you can't enjoy much. Or get to your favorite spots to relax. Sometimes there's weird stuff, undercurrents, going on that affect things in less obvious ways. But I put myself on that river and I know I did it for the trip and for the destination. So I'm gonna trust it to get me back where I always get out, even if the ride was a bit different to yesterday.
#27
People don't learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person you are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, don't assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views. Its a big deal and I work on it quite a bit in counseling.
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
YES. All couples fight. If you fight in a right way it can bring you closer but fighting in the wrong way just destroy the relationship. It's not bad to argue or fight, but if you don't fight in a productive way you just pile up arguments and they get more severe over time.
Jeff Striks 3 years ago
Changing my attitude from "I can't be wrong" to "maybe I am wrong but I don't know it yet?" solved sooooo many fights.
Urbangirlatl 3 years ago
Thumbs up. Fighting badly tears a relationship down. It becomes more about hurting the other person than resolving a conflict. And once you have said something ugly to inflict hurt, you can never take take it back. You can apologize for it but you can never unsay it.
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Faith Donovan 3 years ago
My husband and I manage to fight fair over everything except doing the dishes. We both hate that chore so very much.
jennifer kerkow 3 years ago
Im happy to say that me and my husband have never fought. We've argued and had disagreements but never fight.
Alana Voeks 3 years ago
That's not a fight then. It's an argument or a discussion. Fighting is a thing you never want. Arguments, discussions, and disagreements are absolutely normal and healthy. You want conversation, not screaming.
#28
Never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. We have been married 17 years so there is limitless [stuff] we can pull out of our history together to highlight past wrongs and that just derails what could be a quick resolution.
Sareaesque 3 years ago
if the two issues are unrelated then yes, but if the current issue is just the latest in an ongoing problem, then highlighting the history of that repeated issue could help to identify a larger problem.
Parmeisan 3 years ago
True, but also, sometimes, not even then. What I mean by this is that sometimes there are ongoing problems that, though work, get better. When the problem is getting better but not 100% gone, it really doesn't help to keep thinking about all the times in the past where "I can't trust you to do this because you never remember" or whatever. You need a sort of reset where you actively try to consider only the more recent past. If you're not proactive about doing that then it is very easy to not give proper credit for improvements.
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Will Lanni 3 years ago
This reminds me of the importance of understanding how forgiveness works.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
I always remember the advice Kevin Bacon gave to Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston (too bad they didn't listen.) "The secret to a happy partnership? Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty."
MyOpinionHasBeenServed 3 years ago
People who do this are likely narcissists. They store anything you say and do in their heads so they can use it against you later in an argument. A really good way recognize this is when you tell them something and their reply is either a blank stare or an oddly out of place with the situation, and they don't contribute to the conversation, but will change the subject and have a one-sided discussion about something else for the rest of the time you're with them.
#29
I've been married for 10 years and my partner is an MFT. All of the suggestions in this thread are wonderful and accurate. The one thing that I want to add onto them is probably the biggest lesson that my partner and I have discovered over time: people change. You will change. They will change. It is nigh impossible to have the same relationship 2 years in that you did at the start--don't try to hold onto it. The only way my partner and I have stayed together for as long as we have is because we were able to adapt to each other. That being said, don't try to force a relationship that's inherently dysfunctional. It's not a mark of failure for a relationship to end. Change seems scary, but the truth is you've already changed.
T. D. Bostick 3 years ago
MFT? Multi-Functional Turkey? My Favorite Transformer? Misinterpreted Fancy Terminology?
JustAnother Soul 3 years ago
Change equals growth. You cannot grow without change. Stagnation is undesirable. If you are not growing and learning then you are not changing. It should be encouraged and celebrated.
Hosanna Cole 3 years ago
What about the mistake of letting your parents put you in an arranged marriage! https://growingupamishmichigan.blogspot.com/2022/08/can-amish-and-plain-community-girls.html
#30
Currently a student in a Clinical Psychology Doctorate Program, focusing in Marriage and Family. If you aren't already familiar with it, I would recommend taking a look at John Gottman's work on romantic relationships. He is one of the best known researchers on this topic. Perhaps his most famous work is The Four Horsemen - in a 30 minute interview, Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included: 1) Criticism 2) Contempt 3) Defensiveness 4) Stonewalling Research from the Gottman institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy. Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one (and it happens to be the one I'm the most familiar with). My personal understanding on the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns/cycles of conflict (which generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace).
Judy Andrews 3 years ago
This is the best article on Bored Psnda I have read. Keep up stories like this
#31
Allowing families / friends to get too involved in the relationship - Remember the saying 'Too many cooks spoil the broth?' yeah exactly this.
#32
Sometimes people are just looking to express their feelings and feel heard. I've made the mistake multiple times of jumping to try and find the 'solution' to a problem, when the better thing to do was to be open, listen, and acknowledge the validity of my partner's feelings.
hannah nicole 3 years ago
My husband and I are bad for this, so we are learning to ask ' do we want to find a solution, or are we just airing the problem? '
#33
Current Marriage, Couple and Family master’s counseling student here. Unspoken family rules that you bring into relationship are HUGE. Obviously you didn’t grow up together and depending on how you did you grow up you may have had completely different family of origin (FOO) experiences. It can be as simple as your FOO separated out laundry by color and your SO’s just threw everything in together so you have different family rules regarding laundry, to your FOO had the rule of “family problems stay in the family” and your SO’s family talked to people outside the family about all the problems freely. Everybody has these rules, talking about them and uncovering them (without judgement) will go a very long way in maintaining and deepening connection. If you don’t talk about them it is easy to get into negative interactional patterns that are just rehearsals of how your FOO did things and not creating healthy, mutually safe patterns. Also, I recommend that everyone in relationship take an attachment style quiz and compare their attachment style (secure, anxious, or avoidant) because that reveals a lot of unspoken rules as well.
#34
Not necessarily a mistake but a sign of relationship death and something to keep in mind. Contempt during fights. John Gottman predicts 90% of divorces by identifying contempt. (Bit of an oversimplification ) If you are angry or fighting with your SO and you get to the point where you think they are worthless, or beneath consideration...its probably over. Anger, frustration, rage, are all normal human emotions, just dont let it get you past that line of contempt. It's not you vs them, it's the both of you against the issue.
#35
Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction/issues.
#36
One of the most toxic things I have found in doing marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who happen to be together and not as a couple. (Not that I’m advocating enmeshment.) That’s not really marriage. That’s having a roommate, or perhaps less than that even. Marriage is a union of two people. That’s what the unity candle and sand and knots are all about. There is a bringing together of two lives that is inseparable. If either member still conceptualizes themself as a solely autonomous individual whose actions and dispositions impact only themselves, things will go bad eventually. They go bad because it results in a person caring more for themselves than their spouse. This is seen where couples spend money behind each other’s backs because “it’s my money, why does it matter?” When couples keep secrets from each other, which inevitably results in pain. This is seen when couples don’t stop to consider their spouse’s thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, abilities, and strengths alongside their weaknesses. The remedy to this is behaving as a unit in small ways and in large. If you’re getting something from the fridge, see if your spouse wants something. It even helps in arguments; no longer is it spouse against spouse but it’s the married couple against the issue causing stress to the unit. When one person considers a course of action, their thoughts ought to be about how it impacts the unit. Tl;dr “and the two shall become one flesh so they are no longer two but one.”
Jessica Bertram 3 years ago
was going to comment with that too. this seems remarkably...not...quite...right
Load More Replies... Carol Emory 3 years ago
I agree with the union part of this. I don't agree with the "If you are getting something out of the fridge..se if your spouse wants something." My husband and I did that all the time. What it encouraged was emotional eating. We ate because it made us feel good that we were accepting food from our partner. We offered food because it alleviated our guilt that we were eating to cover an emotional issue instead of considering whether or not we were hungry. It's ok to offer every once in a while..like if you've just gotten back from a road trip and you're both starving. But not as a means of affection.
#37
Biggest mistake is waiting too long to get help. Repeat issues coming up again and again will not resolve themselves. Get help before it's helpless. As I'm recently divorced marriage therapist, I cannot stress enough how important acknowledging repair attempts and keeping intimacy alive are as life sustaining nutrients for your marriage. BTW, my ex is a therapist who changed religions and no longer thought sex was important.
#38
Pastor here. There is a book on New Testament ethics called "Dirt, Greed and Sex," which coincidentally are the big three issues in marital conflict. By "dirt" I mean household duties (including children), "greed" is money management, and sex is, well, sex. Each topic requires communication and cooperation. Another note: the purpose of counselling is to alter the way you view your situation. This is true for individuals and for couples. Answers and solutions follow a change in perspective.
Jessica Bertram 3 years ago (edited)
being an atheist, I have (from the outside) witnessed so many friends receive faith-based marriage counseling. i have so many questions. why does one need god to be part of the process and solution? god isn't in the marriage. or is god? it is all so strange to me.
Shane S 3 years ago
I was right there with ya. I think a religious lean just adds more pressure to a relationship because it adds a third party into the mix. Not only do you have to keep your partner happy, but now you also need to keep the man upstairs happy.
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Jasper Cool 3 years ago
I've never not had or seen religious relationship counseling that is not at least a bit sexist. And a lot of it glaringly so.
Shane S 3 years ago
You mean women are not supposed to obey their husbands and husbands always have final say?
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#39
1) Not actively listening. I’m always shocked by how few people actually know how to listen to and validate their partner. 2) Getting married young. I keep having married clients in their mid-20s with 3 kids who are now realizing that 19 was really young to be married. They say they miss the opportunities they never had to date, have sex partners besides their spouse, and not have to take care of their kids at such a young age, etc. Also, a lot of my clients got married young for religious reasons and then one of them begins to question their faith, which is difficult for both. 3) Expecting your partner to read your mind. 4) alcohol/ drugs 5) Waiting until your relationship is already DOA before coming to therapy and then expecting the therapist to revive it in one hour.
Carol Emory 3 years ago
The getting married too young..I don't buy it. Getting married when you aren't mature enough to handle it...that's the problem. And that can happen at any age. My husband and I got married before we hit 21. We're at 30+ on the anniversaries.
#40
Holding onto resentment and then unleashing it at inappropriate times. For example, husband forgets to do a chore, and then wife unleashes on him not for forgetting the chore, but for the million other things he forgot, plus the fact that he's been ignoring her plus the thing with her mother, etc. etc....
#41
Responding to each other defensively rather than vulnerably. Unfortunately, most of us cannot identify our defense mechanisms, especially when we are emotional, so it's difficult to correct without someone pointing it out. Therapy can help.
#42
Sexual incompatibility. Misunderstanding sex as a bonding activity. When one or the other believes sex is something one does to another as if it was just a utility.
#43
Marriage counselor in TX: Probably one of the biggest mistakes that couples make is forgetting that they’re on the same team, and they fight to win instead of fighting to resolve. Focus on hearing and understanding each other, and engage in disagreements with an eye on coming together, and compromise will follow easily. Also: sex is good, important, and okay to talk about. Couples make the mistake of thinking that sex is one of those things that they should just intuitively understand, but life doesn’t work like that.
#44
Wife doing her Masters in Psychology and has a certificate in Marriage Counselling. The main mistake being the use of the word "You" / "your" or any similar words targeting the other partner in an argument (for example "you said you would do the dishes!") This puts the person receiving the comment into a defensive mode and they stop listening and get defensive. Thus, communication breaks down.
#45
Another divorce lawyer here. Get to know each other before you jump into marriage and kids!! I cannot tell you (no really, ethically I can’t! ) how many cases of mine are parenting plan/child support actions, and a few very short term marriages, that are a result of having tons of unsafe sex that results in a child within a few months of meeting each other. Once you have kids together you are bonded for life, so all the better for you and your offspring if you LIKE each other enough to be in it for life.
#46
Failure to communicate effectively - this can be taught.
#47
This is really a part of relationships. People change and one of three things happens: you change in the same direction You change in different directions and find a new arrangement for the relationship and new personalities you change in different directions and you don't find a new arrangement. We had some friends who got married and we tried so, so, hard to keep them from getting married. He was immature, and she was incredibly immature. She had been engaged 3 times, each time she was dating the next person within a month of the engagement falling through...in one case it fell through less than a month before the wedding and she was dating the new guy within a week (this is actually the two friends that ended up getting married). They constantly fought...I mean...constantly. I've been present when he's taking off his ring and asked if she wanted it back. Last I saw of them they were still fighting constantly and I'm convinced the only reason they're still married is because they're religious and don't want to be seen in a divorce or don't realize how miserable they are. I don't know if they will ever mature - but knowing each one I know that they will do so in very different directions. This is why people who have not matured should not get married.
#48
They confuse love with the chemical high you get early in are relationship. That cannot last, for reasons built into our biology. A successful relationship is to built on that feeling. It’s built on mutual respect and a mutual decision to make it work each day.
JustAnother Soul 3 years ago
Having a deep friendship with your partner is really important. Ask your self, Would you have this person as your best and dearest friend?
#49
Treating their pets better than their partners.
#51
Marrying someone they wouldn't go into business with. I'm a paralegal, and I always tell people that if you can't imagine yourselves opening a dry cleaning business, creating the next great start-up, or running a B&B together, then DO NOT marry that person. Because marriage is a legal business, a contract that creates a business relationship with the other person. And to marry them is to open a business enterprise with them.
Adagar 3 years ago
Hard disagree, not every couple needs to be in some power-couple type situation. You can have different approaches to work without having different fundamental values. This seems like it'd only be true if your core self is your work self.
Hobby Hopper 3 years ago
Adagar, I don't really think that's the point Laura is trying to make. What the business metaphor is trying to communicate is the importance of trust in each other to be a partner in life working towards common goals. If I'm wrong, I hope Laura will clarify.
Load More Replies... Howaboutno 3 years ago
Guys... They're talking about issues like not trusting your partner, bad financial habits, etc not literal business skills
Carol Emory 3 years ago
Sorry...I disagree. My husband would be horrible at running a business (he even admits this.) But I would trust him with my life. I would not go into business with my husband...but I love him all the same.
#52
I work with couples and their relationships a lot, in my line of work, and do some forms of counselling though it is not my job or training. But one of the common threads I see running in the midst of relationships/marriages that fall apart is a kind of selfishness. People that don't quite realize that marriage works best when you are both acting in the others' best interest and seeking their happiness more than your own. It crops up a lot, but not exclusively, in sex/intimacy: if your primary concern in sex is you, you are not going to build any kind of bond or intimate connection, and nor is it going to be much fun for your partner. Marriage is a lot about sacrifice and the couples I see thriving are the ones who are each willing to make sacrifices for the other and for their family. Couples who get married thinking that the coming decades of marriage are going to be exactly like the dating or the honeymoon phase, when they face major challenges or speed bumps in their life together, have a real hard time dealing with it, "But I thought I was supposed to be happy".
#53
The best advice I've seen online "The person you divorce is the person you married" aka expecting people to change who they are
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Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
After 30 years, with two bouts of marital counseling? I can safely say: Communicate, cooperate, compromise, and take "YOU" out of what you say to the other person when you're angry. "I'm upset!" is much easier on a relationship than "You don't understand!" And for pity's sake ---- walk into separate rooms, calm down, ask how much of your emotion/reaction is your own issues, *then* talk. By e-mail if you must. Couples *will* have arguments, disagreements, etc., but if you lose your sh*t, do so with the preface, "I'm not angry at you, I'ma ngry about the situation!" It's funny how often you'll find your partner agrees with you about the situation, if not your reaction to it.
Hosanna Cole 3 years ago
Don't let parents arrange your marriage! https://growingupamishmichigan.blogspot.com/2022/08/can-amish-and-plain-community-girls.html
Load More Replies... Ein Steinbeck 3 years ago
This is all great, but did no one else notice that the original Reddit that BP ripped off is 2+ years old now? Come on...
Jasper Cool 3 years ago
I could never be a marriage counselor. I'd rather do individual abnormal psych stuff all day every day than treat couples. I'm autistic though so not only do romantic relationships seem completely irrational but my brain makes me operate differently in them and sometimes standard relationship advice is not applicable or can be harmful because it's targeted toward neurotypical people.
Tiredofpayingforothers 3 years ago
The most important thing in a successful marriage is always putting the other person's needs before your own. Everything I do is for my wife, and everything she does is for me. We never put ourselves before the other. We have been happily married for 22 years now.
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
I'm a social worker and I've heard many of these. Also very relatable on a personal level. Thanks for a great post!
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Jennifer Crompton 3 years ago
Hubs and I have been happily married 20 years this month. Biggest thing is to always treat each other with respect, ESPECIALLY when you're angry/fighting. We've never devolved into screaming or name calling no matter how angry we are. If you never turn nasty to each other, it is SO MUCH EASIER to make up. You have to learn to "fight nice".
Leo Domitrix 3 years ago
After 30 years, with two bouts of marital counseling? I can safely say: Communicate, cooperate, compromise, and take "YOU" out of what you say to the other person when you're angry. "I'm upset!" is much easier on a relationship than "You don't understand!" And for pity's sake ---- walk into separate rooms, calm down, ask how much of your emotion/reaction is your own issues, *then* talk. By e-mail if you must. Couples *will* have arguments, disagreements, etc., but if you lose your sh*t, do so with the preface, "I'm not angry at you, I'ma ngry about the situation!" It's funny how often you'll find your partner agrees with you about the situation, if not your reaction to it.
Hosanna Cole 3 years ago
Don't let parents arrange your marriage! https://growingupamishmichigan.blogspot.com/2022/08/can-amish-and-plain-community-girls.html
Load More Replies... Ein Steinbeck 3 years ago
This is all great, but did no one else notice that the original Reddit that BP ripped off is 2+ years old now? Come on...
Jasper Cool 3 years ago
I could never be a marriage counselor. I'd rather do individual abnormal psych stuff all day every day than treat couples. I'm autistic though so not only do romantic relationships seem completely irrational but my brain makes me operate differently in them and sometimes standard relationship advice is not applicable or can be harmful because it's targeted toward neurotypical people.
Tiredofpayingforothers 3 years ago
The most important thing in a successful marriage is always putting the other person's needs before your own. Everything I do is for my wife, and everything she does is for me. We never put ourselves before the other. We have been happily married for 22 years now.
Veronica Sjöberg 3 years ago
I'm a social worker and I've heard many of these. Also very relatable on a personal level. Thanks for a great post!
kerry linda 3 years ago
I am here to give testimony on how this powerful spell caster called Dr Ibrahim helped me to fix my relationship. I was heartbroken when my fiance told me he is no longer interested in marrying me because he was having an affair with the other woman where he works. I cried and sobbed every day,until it got so bad that I reached out to the Internet for help, that was when i read a review about the great work of Dr Ibrahim, then i contacted him for help to get my lover back, he helped me cast a powerful (reconciliation love spell) and to my greatest surprise after 48 hours of doing the love spell my Fiance came back on his knees begging me to forgive him We are now living happily and all thanks goes to Dr Ibrahim for helping me save my relationship you can contact Dr Ibrahim through his Email dribrahimspellcaster@gmail.com Call or Whatsapp +2349038450264 Contact him for the following: 1)If you want your ex back. 2)If you want a child. 3) You want to make your husband/wife to be you
Jennifer Crompton 3 years ago
Hubs and I have been happily married 20 years this month. Biggest thing is to always treat each other with respect, ESPECIALLY when you're angry/fighting. We've never devolved into screaming or name calling no matter how angry we are. If you never turn nasty to each other, it is SO MUCH EASIER to make up. You have to learn to "fight nice".
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