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Toddlers have a way of saying the cutest, most unexpected things that never fail to bring a smile to our faces. From innocent honesty to perfectly timed one-liners, their words can be hilarious, surprising, and oddly profound.
So I asked our community to share the funniest and most heartwarming things a toddler has ever said to them – and these are the best stories they wanted to share.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Recently shaved my beard off after 10 years.
7yo: “DAD! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!?!”
Me: “What? This is how I looked when I married your mum.”
7yo: “WHY DID SHE MARRY YOU?!?!?!”
Ouch.
Andrew Keir 9 months ago
"To have you, sweetie. And I didn't have a beard back then, because we didn't want you to be born with a beard"
Chuck the Cat 4 days ago
"To have you"? Parents don't have to be married to have children.
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Auntriarch 4 days ago
My dad came back from national service without a beard. Apparently I screamed the place down. He's kept the beard ever since
RELATED:
#2
I was watching my niece (two at the time) one day, and I sneezed. She yelled out, “Godzilla!” I turned to her and said, “What?” She said, “Godzilla,” then looked at me like I was crazy for not knowing that’s what you say when someone sneezes. I asked her mom about it, and she said she didn’t know where it came from—she just started saying it one day. So now, 30 years later, if someone sneezes around me, I say, “Godzilla.”
Cosmos in your eyes 4 days ago
I'm adopting this. I am no longer religious so I feel weird saying "bless you" but it also feels weird to ignore a sneeze. Godzilla it is.
#3
When my son was about four, we decided to have people over for dinner. My husband’s favorite dish to make was a salad with octopus. My son couldn’t say “octopus” properly because of the lisp on the “s,” so we called it tentacle salad.
We had a few couples milling around the house while my husband and I were prepping appetizers. In walks my son, sees the salad, and then runs around yelling, “Hey — we’re going to have testicle salad!”
While that would normally be funny on its own, the real problem was that my husband and I were already known for being experimental with food. It took a little convincing to assure everyone that there were no actual testicles in the salad.
Andrew Keir 9 months ago
We had a clone of this at my boarding school. The Nurse had given the new boys (11 years old) the usual 'birds and bees' talk, combined with enough basic Human Biology to help them deal with the onset of puberty. We learnt - much later - that one of the kids had shyly requested a private chat with the Nurse, because "he wasn't sure about his tentacles'...
Ace 4 days ago
I remember being confused, aged around 9, when my granny admonished me for biting my nails, saying, just you wait until that reaches your intestines. With her scottish accent the 'in' part of the word got lost, and I knew the word testes...
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Phantom Phoenix 4 days ago
So the kid with a lisp can't say 'octopus', but can say 'testicle'?
Abel 4 days ago
A bit weird way to season a salad, but whatever. Today people do a lot of experiments with food.
Saltypepper 2 days ago
When my daughter was 3 she came running into the living room with the huge monsters inc pop corn bowl on her head ( in her underwear mind you) yelling IM A POT HEAD could not understand why we were all laughing our asses off
#4
“When I grow up, I’m not going to have a husband. I’m going to be a widow.”
#5
Back when I was a high school teacher, I had many beautiful kids, and some not so much, but I loved them all anyway! Two pertinent points here: I have always struggled with my weight, and I like wearing dark colours, especially black. I just feel good in it. One day, one of my kids asked me in class, “Miss ******, why do you wear black so much?” My joking reply was, “Because black is slimming!” The kid looked me up and down, shaking his head in sympathy. “It’s not working, Miss ****.” Class laughter, me included. (I knew the kid well enough to know that his intent wasn’t malicious, and he knew me well enough to know that I never held grudges and that I loved wittiness.)
cerinamroth 9 months ago
This is very similar to my darling daughter before kindergarten one day (I think she must have been 3 or 4, when I was pregnant with her little brother). She peered into my face and asked "Mummy, are you wearing any make-up today?" I was knackered and had tried to fool my face into looking a little fresher that morning, so I replied "Yes, darling, I am wearing a little bit of make-up". At which she looked me dead in the eyes and said "You need more."
Andrew Keir 9 months ago
A career in stand-up humour clearly beckons - preferably in a far distant country ...
#6
A couple of years ago, I was riding the bus late at night. It was packed with commuters heading home.
I was sitting behind a young mother, and her son—maybe six or seven—was kneeling on his seat, facing me, and staring intently.
I took it with humor, since I’d had a good day and was in a good mood, so I started making faces: sticking my tongue out, crossing my eyes, and twitching my nose.
The boy kept staring, stone-faced, for a moment, and then yelled at the top of his voice:
“MOOOOOM!! THE MISTER IN THE BACKSEAT IS MAKING FACES!!! HE’S GOING TO STAY LIKE THAT!! TELL HIM, MOM!!!”
I have never been redder in the face before or since…
Sam Trudeau 4 days ago
The only problem with telling these things to kids is when they see someone else doing the behaviour
#7
My brother plays hockey, and one of the younger siblings and I were messing around one day. This was in a warmer rink, so I was wearing a tank top, and at one point, I lifted my arms.
He looked at me, shocked, and just goes, “WHAT’S THAT?” while pointing at my arms.
Now I’m confused, thinking there’s something on me, so I lift my arms to look. He jams his finger into my armpit and goes, “WHY IS IT SO HAIRY?”
“Because I’m a mammal, buddy. I have body hair.”
“Well, you shouldn’t. It’s weird.”
He’s young, so hopefully he’ll learn eventually, but it was really funny.
Howl's sleeping castle 4 days ago
My nephew when he was 4 asked me why I have hair in my legs. I told him that human beings have them. He replied his mum and grandmother doesn't have but his dad and granddad have so by rule even i shouldn't have them.
#8
My nephew—my brother’s son, now 31—when he was about six: I said to my family, “You can really see his mother’s genes in him” (because of his blond hair, height, and blue eyes). He heard me and got so upset that he said, “No, Aunty, you’re lying! These are my jeans! I was there at the shop when we bought them! I’m not wearing Mum’s jeans, I’m not!”—stamping his foot in a full tantrum.
#9
Not to me, but my father. He was in the kitchen attempting to swat a very large and stubborn fly and failing miserably. He had a rolled-up newspaper in his hand and, in one wild swipe, knocked down and broke the toaster, hurting his hand in the process.
My little brother and I came running down.
“What was that?” I asked. My father replied, sheepishly…
“I was trying to k**l a fly…”
My little brother, age four, looked at the mess and asked:
“With the toaster?”
As I roared with laughter, my father tried to save face…
“Well, I got it!”
My little brother, without missing a beat, just replied:
“Yeah. Also the toaster.”
#10
As an incentive to get my young son to tidy away his toys, I promised him that if he did it for ten days in a row, he could choose anything he wanted from the Two Dollar Shop (so called for obvious reasons).
“Anything?” he asked.
I agreed.
“Wow!” he replied. “But, Mum, I won’t choose anything too expensive.”
Saltypepper 2 days ago
Wow ,we only have dollar general , dollar tree here never heard of the two dollar shop
#11
My niece once asked me why I had strawberries on my face. I have really bad acne, and she was four at the time.
#12
A few years ago, my nephew, who was six at the time, saw me drawing a skull. He then asked if I drew skulls over and over again until my room looked like a t*****e chamber. I nearly fell off the couch laughing.
#13
Our little girl, 10, was having a tantrum over something mundane, as kids do. And she said, “You’re weak… you’re as weak as a… you’re as weak as a pigeon!”
My wife and I still laugh about how we are apparently as weak as pigeons.
Roxy222uk 4 days ago
My sister and I had an argument while doing the washing up after tea. She started singing a song, definitely not about me, apparently, but a girl of whom it could be said ‘an elephant could eat a tree in the time she’s lazing around’. Decades later and it still makes me laugh.
meow point1 4 days ago
One time, when I was about eleven, I was begging my grandmother to please let me do something. I promised I'd only do it once, "or may birds bury me".
#14
We’re not a religious family. But someone gave us cookies for Easter once, shaped like bunnies, eggs, and crosses. My youngest was five at the time, and she asked about the shapes. I think we said something like they were swords, and she replied, “No, they aren’t, they’re crosses.”
I asked her if she knew what a cross was, and she said, “Yes, it’s a big wooden thing that you put people on.”
I mean… she’s not wrong.
UnclePanda 4 days ago
A young boy was struggling with math, and his parents had tried everything to help him, including tutors and special programs, with no success. As a last resort, they enrolled him in a local Catholic school, known for its strict discipline and academic rigor. After his first day, the boy came home and, without saying a word, went straight to his room and worked feverishly on his math homework for hours—something he had never done before. This pattern continued, and his grades began to improve dramatically. His astonished parents finally asked him, "What changed everything? Was it the nuns? The curriculum?" The boy shook his head and said, "Nope. On the first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy they nailed to the 'plus sign,' I just knew they meant business!"
Billo66 4 days ago (edited)
Pictures of Jesus wearing a cross make me giggle. Yes, please worship the instrument of my demise. In fact, I'm wearing one now, only 3.99 Dad needs your money. Edit: Next week only! Sale on JFK sniper rifle lapel pins!
UnclePanda 4 days ago
If you don't already know him, you might find a kindred soul in late comedian Bill Hicks.
Load More Replies... Sam Trudeau 4 days ago
It's better to teach it as "crucifix" instead, since "cross" just means two lines that, well, cross
#15
My daughter, when she was five, out of nowhere asked me, “Mommy, when you die, can I have your bras?”
Sindhuja 9 months ago
Neither is vital to this, nor does the daughter have any spelling difficulties. Just enjoy a fun story
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#16
When my nephew was little—around four years old—he got new shoes that lit up. Excited, he told my husband and dragged him to a closet so he could show them off. They got to the closet, and my nephew ran inside, closing the door with my husband outside.
“See, Uncle? They light up!”
My husband laughed and said, “Oh, that is so cool! They’re great!”
When my brother-in-law came home, the same thing happened: my nephew ran into the closet, dad outside.
“See, Daddy? They light up!”
But, being the dad, my BIL said, “No, son, I can’t see them from out here.”
My nephew came out a little annoyed. “Well… Uncle could see them!”
#17
When my daughter was five and in kindergarten, I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up. Her answer: “Six.”
#18
My daughter, when she was 3 (she’s 7 now). Anyway, despite doing our best not to curse around her, we did occasionally slip. One day she started saying WTF (the actual words). We explained it was a very bad thing and not to say it. After a few days, she said/asked, and I quote, “Mommy, I want to say WTF.” It was just the fact that she knew how to phrase it as a question so she could say it knowing I’d say no.
BeesEelsAndPups 9 months ago
When my son (now 18) first cursed it was during a really bad wind storm. He was 3 years old and I was getting into my car after putting him into the car seat. Well the wind slammed the door shut into my face hard. Hard enough to knock me out of the driver's seat and into the passenger seat. It took me a few minutes to regain my senses, but when I did I looked behind me to tell my son everyone was okay, he just said "Daddy, what does 'god dammit' mean?" I guess I might have cursed a bit when I got smashed in the face.
cerinamroth 9 months ago
It's OK, my 3YO boy said "Oh, for f**k's sake!" really loudly in synagogue on Yom Kippur when one of his precariously balanced toy cars fell off the chair.
BeesEelsAndPups 9 months ago
LOL!! Just saw a kid say "OH SH*T!!" during a Purim celebration. I think I was the only person to notice though.
Load More Replies... Lady Eowyn 4 days ago
The first time I said something "dirty" - I don't even remember what - my dad said, dammit, where did you learn language like that? I said from you, he literally chased me out of the house.
#19
"It's okay, no need to look for a bathroom anymore - I already peed myself."
TiNaBoNiNa 4 days ago
Picture preschool-age me on a family road trip to I don't remember. I kept saying I had to pee. Dad kept saying we were almost there. Guess where I ended up peeing?
#20
I was walking down the street and met a woman coming the other way. She had a toddler, maybe four years old. The kid gave me a big smile, waved, and said, “Hi, Grandpa!”
BeesEelsAndPups 9 months ago
Aww. My middle child used to call every old man she met Pop Pop.
Load More Replies... #21
I was talking with a friend one day when my daughter came up and started talking to me. I asked her to hold on because I was talking to my friend, and she replied, “But Dad, you have two ears.”
#22
Not to me, but to a friend of mine. She was walking up the stairs in her apartment building when a little kid, maybe six years old, was coming down at the same time. He looked my friend dead in the eye and demanded angrily, “Do you have any common sense?”
Then he continued on his way down, leaving my friend reeling in surprise.
Sindhuja (Submission author) 9 months ago
To this day we speculate about what the kid was trying to say. I honestly don’t know
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#23
“YOU CAN’T BE TALKING, YOU MARRIED SHREK!!!!!!”
Some kid started a rumor at the day camp I worked at during the summer that I was secretly married to Shrek—and would even send me fan mail of me making out with Shrek through the camp mail system. So… yeah. That happened.
And the worst part? Everyone else in their group joined in. Now I have like three pounds of paper about me and Shrek in my closet.
Detroit Citizen 4 days ago
OP, you and Shrek dont need to stay in the closet. You two will be most welcomed, loved and supported when you two decide. The world is far more accepting and inclusive than every before (well for the most part,anyway). You two dont have to hide your love anymore, you never had to. Remember Shrek is love and well, the years start comin' and they don't stop comin'
#24
My child was three, and I had been telling her some Bible stories and about God for a year or so. One day in the car, she was in her car seat in the back while I was driving. She asked, “Mommy, where is God?”
I told her that He is always with us and is everywhere.
She replied, “Well, He must be up there with you because He’s not back here with me.”
Lucy Covington 4 days ago
Teaching a 2 year old about god? D**n, just let them play. So glad I wasn't raised with religion/brain washing.
Sam Trudeau 4 days ago
Three, not two. Toddlers go to church with their parents all the time where I live (if the parents are religious, of course).
Load More Replies... #25
Having three kids is a goldmine of funny things they say. My current favorites are:
Dad: “Big kid, you didn’t eat your lunch pack again today! How do you stay alive at school?”
Big kid: “I make homework.”
Mom (asking mid-kid to help put toys away):
Mid-kid: “No, I can’t. My arms are too short.”
Something has been broken, drawn on, or ripped apart.
Lil-kid: “It wasn’t me! It was my hands!”
Child of the Stars 4 days ago
My oldest (who was about 7) once told me that I'm useless without coffee. I mean, they weren't wrong, but still, ouch!
#26
When my son was very young, he was outside with me while I was working in the yard watering plants. He came up to me with his little plastic bucket and asked me to put some water in it. I did. He promptly walked up to the cat and poured the water on it. Of course, the cat freaked out. I felt like I should correct him, so I said, “That wasn’t very nice.” He stopped giggling just long enough to say, “No, but it was funny.” That’s been a family motto for 30+ years.
The Redhead 9 months ago
People don't like animals being mistreated (myself included); however I completely understand that your son was a young child and he wasn't trying to hurt the cat. These things happen & I'm sure at the time your son thought it was a good idea.
Crystalwitch60 4 days ago
The reply to the no but it’s funny , should have been , no son it’s not funny it’s mean ! start as you mean to go on ,
Laura Gillette 4 days ago
I have a watering can story that doesn't have anyone being mean to animals in it. I was watering the flowers in my back yard and my then 2-year old was helping with his little toy watering can. He came to me and said, "Mommy, I need more gas!" 🤣 I said, "You mean water?" And he answered, "Yeah, I need more water gas." 😂
Bored Sailor 9 months ago
Andrew is probably right, and people seem to not realize kids learn from mistakes, you did say you corrected him. I will put it back.
Load More Replies... #27
Back in the days when the Raiders were still in Oakland, my sons and I were driving across Oklahoma on our way to Dallas from Kansas City. My 11-year-old asked, “Dad, does Oklahoma have a football team?”
I told him no—they don’t have their own team and mostly root for either the Chiefs or the Cowboys.
My younger son, seven, piped up, “Why don’t they root for the Oklahoma Raiders?”
And that’s how we’ve referred to them ever since.
Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
DM Torturer of OCs 4 days ago
lol bp photos reminding me that most of the people on here are not in fact American
#28
My 4-year-old daughter pointed at a sturdy woman walking toward us at daycare.
“Hey, look Dad, fat hooters!”
We blame the Steve Martin skit where he listed all the names people have for hooters. Toot toot.
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Sam Trudeau 4 days ago
My cousin once referred to our gazebo while camping as a T-Rex for one of his games. He was saying we were "in the t-rex's tummy" and I said "I don't think a T-Rex has a zipper". He was three, I was much older
Sam Trudeau 4 days ago
My cousin once referred to our gazebo while camping as a T-Rex for one of his games. He was saying we were "in the t-rex's tummy" and I said "I don't think a T-Rex has a zipper". He was three, I was much older
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