Bride Refuses To Wear BIL’s Wife’s Dress, Fears For Her Safety When He Becomes Unhinged
Interview With Expert
People say that the bond between twins is special. There is anecdotal evidence of twins being able to read each other’s minds, experiencing the same physical sensations, and being able to finish each other’s sentences. So it’s understandable if the twins (or one of them) lean into the myths and want a close relationship with their sibling.
But where’s the line in this quest of having intertwined lives? Does that mean the partners of the twins should tolerate their requests even when they don’t feel comfortable? Take a wedding, for example. The bride and groom should make the decisions, not the groom’s twin, right? So, when one brother-in-law started making bizarre demands about his twin’s wedding, the bride went on to the Internet to check with people if her response to his behavior was appropriate.
Bored Panda contacted a twin expert, Dr. Joan A. Friedman. She’s done extensive research about twins and is a well-respected expert in the field. She kindly agreed to share her expertise with us and shed some light on twin psychology and how that relationship differs from a simple sibling relationship. Read her insights below!
More info: Dr. Joan A. Friedman | Instagram | Twins In Session | The Same But Different | Emotionally Healthy Twins
A wedding is a special day for the bride and groom, and they should have the day that they want
Image credits: Wu Jianxiong / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Unfortunately, the twin brother of this groom started demanding some bizarre things, as he wanted his brother’s wedding to be more like his
Image credits: Jonathan Borba / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Zinkevych_D / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Throw-awa-y109
The bride gave more info about her future husband’s family dynamic in the comments
Twins crave sameness to keep their twinship intact
Twin expert Dr. Joan A. Friedman tells Bored Panda that a twin wanting to have intertwined experiences is part of twin psychology. “They grow up in a twin bubble,” she tells us. “Usually, they are each other’s parental surrogate, they are each other’s best friend, [and] they are each other’s soulmate.”
“Whether this happened artificially or whether it happened because their environment just sort of put them in those roles together, they often grow up having a very, very inexplicable bond.” Dr. Friedman says that twins often try to avoid competition because that might negatively impact their relationship. “Keeping things the same and keeping a balance and homeostasis is really very important to keeping their relationship on track.”
It is also common for twins to feel very possessive of one another. “Often, it’s because they’ve been raised as a pair, as a couple,” Dr. Friedman explains. “The parents don’t understand or don’t take the trouble to help either one of them to develop an identity or to have any kind of separate experiences from one another.”
Although it doesn’t seem to be the case here, a third person – an outsider – can become a sort of evil figure in the eyes of a twin. “This third person coming in and damaging and exploding what they’ve had together is really very difficult and overwhelming, and [it is] a crisis in many situations.”
Dr. Friedman points out that wanting this kind of sameness is an attempt to preserve the twinship and their connection. “Twins don’t like to have differences because differences make them feel separate. And if they feel separate, they’re not connected, they’re not twins. The idea of differences can create conflict and problems that they don’t want to deal with.”
Regarding this particular situation, Dr. Friedman says that a twin wanting his brother to have exactly the same wedding is a way of keeping their twinship intact. This way, even though they married other people, keeping a sameness wedding-wise would give them a sense of equality. That way, “things don’t get out of hand in terms of their relationship,” Dr. Friedman explains.
The twin bond is often stronger than any other familial bond
Image credits: Alena Darmel / pexel (not the actual photo)
Twins are often closer than any other family members. Another twin expert Barbara Klein, Ph.D., Ed.D., writes that the twin bond is stronger than the connection between two siblings. It’s even stronger than the attachment between mother and child. She likens the bond to being “born married.”
Developing a separate identity can be hard for twins, and the antagonist brother in this story is a perfect example. Klein claims that, in some cases, twins might “over-identify with each other.” However, in this case, it seems that one brother felt the special twin bond meant that the two should even have their wedding together.
Klein writes that people shouldn’t romanticize or idolize twins. That only puts more pressure on both or one of them. It’s also normal for twins not to get along. Going back to the mystical twin connection, twins shouldn’t feel like they’re failing as siblings if they don’t feel a supernatural bond with their brother/sister.
The people in the twins’ lives shouldn’t lump them together as one entity. Establishing an identity is hard for the twins as it is, and failing to do so might lead to what licensed counselor Priscilla Dean, MA, calls “symbiotic disablement.”
As an identical twin herself, she refers to the instances when “I” becomes “we.” When the twins are children, it’s “we don’t like peas.” Then, when they grow up, it turns into “our wedding” instead of “my wedding.” This type of entanglement leads to “surrender of will and codependence” by one twin, Dean writes.
At the end of the day, it might be about twins carving their own identities and figuring out how to disentangle themselves from their twin, a thing that the future bride’s husband might be starting to do. “Twins sometimes are confused as to who they are in relationship to each other,” Barbara Klein writes. Perhaps the twin in this story might need some extra time to figure out who he is without his brother.
Many people were weirded out by the twin brother’s behavior and cautioned the bride to limit contact
A couple of days later, the bride posted an update, and the disagreement escalated into a serious conflict
Image credits: Jonas Leupe / unsplash (not the actual photo)
After reading the update, people drew attention to the safety of the future newlyweds
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And there you have it again...'keep the peace'. I so hate that expression because there's a world of pain behind it.
Exactly. Everybody has to accept unhinged behavior bc mum wants a "happy family" which doesn't work. The unhinged nit-wit is happy, the rest of the family is not happy. How is that good?
Load More Replies...
I don't believe this. It sounds like op's BIL need psychiatric help, like 10 years ago, yet everyone acting like it's ok
And there you have it again...'keep the peace'. I so hate that expression because there's a world of pain behind it.
Exactly. Everybody has to accept unhinged behavior bc mum wants a "happy family" which doesn't work. The unhinged nit-wit is happy, the rest of the family is not happy. How is that good?
Load More Replies... I don't believe this. It sounds like op's BIL need psychiatric help, like 10 years ago, yet everyone acting like it's ok
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