Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
Jimmy Fallon Invites People To Share The Funniest Things They Heard Kids Say, They Deliver (30 Tweets)
It's well-recorded in history that kids are a source of unpolished gold. From hilarious little sayings, cheeky one-liners, and mischievous observations to anything like unintended puns or solid wisdom nuggets, children are cracking jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
So, when Jimmy Fallon announced his hashtag #KidQuotes challenge on Twitter, there was no question that it would get some darn funny stories. “Parmesan cheese is like glitter for spaghetti” is just one out of many hilarious examples. Sit back and tune in for the most comical tweets below, and don’t forget to upvote your favorites!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 5 years ago (edited)
I would have peed myself in the pews. That is hilarious!
Chris 5 years ago
At a christening recently... Priest: he is born to save us all, and we shall name him... My 3yr old: batman.
Quinn Adaire 5 years ago
I am honestly not sure if you are the real foxxy or not.
Load More Replies...
RELATED:
#3
Corey Smith 5 years ago
Or, you know, the fathers too. Fathers take kids to the doctor too...
Load More Replies...
Kristof De Smet 5 years ago
My then 2 year old to the doctor who put stitches in her head (after finishing): "YOU HURT ME!"
Bob Beltcher 5 years ago
Oh I got one better. My daughter is 7 and hates getting the flu shot every year. Last year she screamed "Why are you letting them stab me, I don't want to be hurt!"
Heather Keedy Bateman 5 years ago
My then 2-year old at the emergency room because we were worried she'd broken her wrist. Had been screaming initially then crying/whining/whimpering for over an hour. Cute ER doc walks in, and she shuts her mouth, GIGGLES, and bats her eyelashes!!!! She was fine the little booger!
I Just Changed My Name 5 years ago
Ya know God bless him for being of the mindset to warn other victims! Should turn out to be a great human!
Jimmy Fallon’s hashtag challenges for The Tonight Show on NBC are among the most popular sketches on the show. Every Thursday, the Brooklyn-born comedian invites the Twitter community to share stories on one of many requested tags—from #MyDumbInjury to #WorstRoadTripEver. He then reads them out loud on the show, making everyone burst into laughter.
But not everyone is impressed by the trend of spelling hashtags out loud. One particular skit by Fallon seven years ago caught the attention of Chris Messina, the founder of the hashtag. During the sketch, Fallon and Justin Timberlake talked about mundane things, "hashtagging" everything until the discussion made little sense. Messina commented that “what Fallon has depicted is actually how teenagers are talking now… and I’m kind of like, ‘Oh God… what have I done?'” Is it really so wrong to have a tiny bit of fun with these nerdy metadata tags? Pandas, tell us what you think in the comments!
#4
Jennifer Lawton-Godziuk 5 years ago
My daughter knew her dad was allergic to dogs and said, in his absence, "We can get a dog when Dad dies."
Holly Molly 5 years ago
At least she's thoughtful, didn't make him sleep outside
Load More Replies...
Miyah Laliberte 5 years ago
her : im a savage classic bougie retched sassy moody nasty ( hey, hey yeah
#5
Jane Thorne-Gutierrez 5 years ago
My grandson locked us out of my car with keys inside. My girlfriend said he could go upstairs and play with her son until we had to leave. Later, I asked if he had fun playing with Keegan?He said " Not really. He kicked me in my generals"...
Beth Arriaga 5 years ago
My son told his kindergarten classmates that the correct word for 'balls' was 'tentacles'. I was just happy he was trying to be accurate....
Agnieszka Gocalińska 5 years ago
My son (7) came back from school with the revelation, that girls have... "china" ;)
Kathy Baylis 5 years ago
Before I got married, I suffered through way too many first—-and only—-dates where the tentacles part happened.
#6
Analyn Lahr 5 years ago
Seriously, how many founding fathers are rolling in their graves?
Load More Replies...
N G 5 years ago
This competition is a bit unfair, you have Trump on your team. We're still trying tho
Liam Walsh 5 years ago
Yeah... Boris becoming PM did level the playing field a tad!
Load More Replies...
christopher kay 5 years ago
Hey kid.....we screwed over Antigua and Barbuda Australia Bangladesh Barbados Belize Botswana Brunei Cameroon Canada Dominica Fiji The Gambia Ghana Grenada Guyana India Jamaica Kenya Kiribati Lesotho Malawi Malaysia Malta* Mauritius Mozambique Namibia Nauru New Zealand Nigeria Pakistan Papua New Guinea Republic of Cyprus* Rwanda Samoa Seychelles Sierra Leone Singapore Solomon Islands South Africa Sri Lanka St Christopher and Nevis St Lucia St Vincent and the Grenadines Swaziland The Bahamas Tonga Trinidad and Tobago Tuvalu Uganda United Republic of Tanzania Vanuatu Zambia Zimbabwe We're just having a rest before we destroy our own.
Belinda_Vikingheart_🇧🇻 5 years ago
Yeah, true that. Shoudda startet w A for America, than all this s**t would have been avoided.
Load More Replies...
Marcellus the Third 5 years ago
Kid is right of course, but he's just parroting a parent. So not really a 'kids say the darnedest things' quote.
sh 5 years ago
Right? C**p like that shouldn't even be on a 5 year old's radar. Shame on whoever told them that - true or not.
Load More Replies...
Ronel du Plessis 5 years ago
Just wait until she learns about some countries in Africa. Not saying any names but it's more to the south of that continent...
Patrick McKemie 5 years ago
Sigh, yes we are. But thanks for making it close. You Brits really do have our backs!
#7
#8
that_depressed_lesbian 5 years ago
My conspiracy theory: Rainbows = Pride = the son is gay Bananas = Penis = The son is gay
#9
Jennifer Mckenna 5 years ago
Thank God I was born a chick. Our problems are embarrassing enough, I dont think I'd be able to handle random no reason boners. I can't imagine how mortifying that must be. 😓
Zach Tan 5 years ago
Trust me, it's terrifying when that happens. You're just walking down the street, thinking about something other than sex, and then up comes good ol' W***y Wanker. It's horrible.
Load More Replies...
Beth Arriaga 5 years ago
Sitting in a fast food restaurant when my son was 8. He asks, loudly. "Hey does anyone else have hair down there?' I found one yesterday and want to make sure it's normal?!?' Early puberty sucks for the parent.....
Mary Phillips 5 years ago
My son said, in a very crowded supermarket and in his best outside voice, "Mom, my penis is pointing.".
Slim Bluesbender 5 years ago
Some people have thin epidermis or maybe are just sphincters. Just give them the middle metatarsal and don't let them get in your cranium.
#10
Isabel Care 5 years ago
Works Xmas meal "How many roast potatoes do you want?" Me..."Leave the tray" They did
Makayla Rhodes 5 years ago
There is never enough cheese, unless your my brother who hates cheese
#11
What does a Foxxy say? 5 years ago
This is how I am feeling about 2020. This year just needs to f**k right off.
Ms.GB 5 years ago
I had such a bad year last year with family accidents and deaths everyone kept telling me "Don't worry 2020 is going to be a good year I can feel it."....guess you won't be opening up a psychic shop anytime soon Aunt Sally
Load More Replies...
#12
weatherwitch 5 years ago
I agree! I use a colouring app and it's kept me sane and given me an outlet through a lot of awful stressful times lately 😊
Miyah Laliberte 5 years ago
omg yes coloring is lowkey no joke you can get wrist cramps. and i could color my whole life so yup kid yup. it should be a sport it is one i agree it should be in the olympics. ( shakes head agreeing amen to this sista)
Ben Steinberg 5 years ago
But always remember to wear a helmet if you do full-contact coloring...
AutumntheLeaf/RainWing 5 years ago
for what it's worth, mine is playing Pokemon for 10 hours while watching TV.
#13
Vanta Black 5 years ago
Until they eat your liver with some fava beans, and a nice Chianti.
Load More Replies... 
Miyah Laliberte 5 years ago
this kid is giving off a vibe i like them already havent met them but respect.
#14
What does a Foxxy say? 5 years ago (edited)
I remember when my daughter was about 6, she had just had a bath and pulled the plug out. I walked away to get something and I could hear her saying “whee, whee, whee”, I went back and she is there sliding backwards and forwards in the slippery bath. I asked her what she was doing and she replied “I’m ice skating.......on my butt”. Omg I cracked up laughing.
Grace Marraffa 5 years ago
I used to do that after my baths too, lil girl
Load More Replies...
James 5 years ago
Thought that hula hoop was a “look at this part of the picture” circle for a moment and was confused 😂
Alexandria Rodriguez 5 years ago
I remember when I was about 4 or 5 I saw a youtuber take a toy bath and so when it ended I turned off my Ipad went to my playroom and got all my toys then I went to my Moms restroom and put my toys in her bath tub and said ¨Ahhhhh a nice toy bath.
#15
N G 5 years ago
I had one of these tablets but it got stuck in my throat, the next morning I woke up with a stiff neck.
Philly Bob Squires 5 years ago
I created a viagra flavored ice cream. It took 4 hours to melt....
Miyah Laliberte 5 years ago
whelp nine am and this kid already exposing family secrets meant to stay behind doors no pun intended.
Pandana 5 years ago
UM NOO BAD IDEA... I mean.... You should take, er... gummies,
Load More Replies... #16
Russian Otaku 5 years ago (edited)
Why was Tigger searching the bathroom? . . . . He was looking for Pooh
Philly Bob Squires 5 years ago
I told my 6 year old niece that she is big enough to stop using "baby" words. So we are now sitting down to watch “Winnie The S**t.”
#18
Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 5 years ago
I remember about 16 years ago my son asher was a toddler. He was asking how people got made. He was picturing just a sack of skin and said "how do people get made? Do the bones go in first?" I pictured holding up a sack of skin by the neck and dropping in the toe bones then the foot bones. ..til they all connected and made a person.
#19
Ralph Spooner 5 years ago
AAAHHHHH!!! You just cannot beat the logic of a child, pure and honest!!!
#20
AnimalMetalHeadUK 5 years ago
That will continue for the rest of his life, when guys get stage-fright we have all done the "come on little guy, don't let me down now" haha.
Not what you think. 5 years ago
I love Butters he's so adorable and innocent.
Load More Replies... Becca Gizmo the Squirrel 5 years ago
For some reason we call it a "peanut" . I have 3 boys. It started when my oldest son was a baby but not sure how "peanut" stuck.
Miyah Laliberte 5 years ago
are you kiding? my brother and his friends ( hes 8 ) but they love to pee outside. my brother always has and one time he did it with his friends and called it a pee party.
Load More Replies...
#21
Marcellus the Third 5 years ago
The kid was right about her having an attitude problem.
Load More Replies...
Miyah Laliberte 5 years ago
amen the sas she is like young me. also im picturing zuri ross in her tutu flashback to the good disney shows.
Ralph Spooner 5 years ago
I think the aunt needed to be grounded for a month and be forced to play Pokemon the whole time. LOL!!! With the niece.
#22
What does a Foxxy say? 5 years ago
That’s actually a good way to describe it, better than pins and needles.
Diane Phillips 5 years ago
My daughter, at three, kept telling me she had bees. The booster seat cut off circulation to her dangling legs! :P
Christine M Quigley 5 years ago
I've heard a kid say, 'My foot is sparkly" when it fell 'asleep..
#23
Jane Thorne-Gutierrez 5 years ago
My grandson asked for another baby. His Mom said, " but you have MOLLY"! Henry said" I know, but I think you can do better"...
Catlady6000 5 years ago
My mother in law likes to tell about when my ex-husband was a 2 month old colicky baby, all of the sudden he went totally silent, she went to check on him and his 2 yr old sister had put a pillow on his head and was sitting on it. "He's quiet now, mama!" Gotta say, that story did explain a lot!
Darth Kittius 5 years ago
I was the same way about my little brother! Cut me some slack, I was 2!
Lillukka79 5 years ago
My 5 year old sister said "why did she have to come and ruin my whole life".
IT'S THE SWEET ONE 5 years ago
Hahaha my sister got really mad when my mom got pregnant with our sister and yelled "I am the baby!"
#24
#25
Kathy Baylis 5 years ago
Looks like your nephew’s going to be very handy with the ladies when he grows up.
#26
Kristof De Smet 5 years ago
My sister-in-law when she was little, after scratching another girl in the face: "Those stripes were already on her face!"
Ralph Spooner 5 years ago
Another possible response: "My foot itched and he was scratching it with his leg".
#27
Layla Corman 5 years ago
But wait until she gets a card, and learns how to use it! And later it being no fun again when you realized you overdid it.
#28
katboxjanitor 5 years ago
Because it is measuring how much love she has to give her nephews and nieces!
Grace Note 5 years ago
Similar from my little brother. We had a family friend who was not very good looking, huge nose, pock-marked skin, etc. Baby bro was into Dungeons and Dragons - yep, it was the eighties - one day family friend had slept over. Baby bro went to wake her up. He was holding a large dragon drawing, held it in front of her face and said: "Wake up Josie and look in the mirror." So harsh!
#29
Sinkvenice 5 years ago
I can understand a little girl saying that but you just know there are actual adults/fruit cakes who are offended by it.
Cathy Gaines 5 years ago
Oh I remember being like 5 and asking my mom for a Playboy 😂😂 I meant Gameboy!
#30
Catlady6000 5 years ago
Plastic pool! Plastic shoes, plastic Barbie car! Plastic jump rope......
Load More Replies...
Lauren Michlin 5 years ago
I just broke the silence in this big empty room with a blast of laughter.
#31
#32
#33
Hailtobaphomet 5 years ago
I feel like he meant something else but I can't put my finger on it
#34
Parmeisan 5 years ago
I had a teacher who made this mistake, and then a few days later messed up again by saying "Mike!! Take your pants off!" (instead of coat). We laughed so hard.
Load More Replies...
Nicky OldfieldDesciple 5 years ago
There was an episode on the British Quiz show Blockbusters where a contestant made this same mistake. Years later it's still shown on these "TV bloopers shows.
Liam Walsh 5 years ago
Ah, the show with the famous phrase 'can I have a pee please Bob'. Shared a tube carriage with Bob Holness once... such an AMAZING fame-claim (heheheheh).
Load More Replies... Layla Corman 5 years ago
I was that kid too! 7th grade. Teacher asked what a parasite was. My response, "An orgasm that feeds off another living orgasm". I said it TWICE! Teacher was red in the face and everyone erupted in laughter! The saddest thing was I was proud of my answer and had no idea why everyone was laughing!
Patrick McKemie 5 years ago
It least it didn't happen while reading a report they called "Public Lice". Even the teacher lost it.
#35
Layla Corman 5 years ago
Crispy...✔ Delicious...✔ Loved by many...✔ This kid might be on to something!
Isabel Care 5 years ago
Aged 6 I wanted to be a lighthouse keeper. Did a project on it and discovered it was not a solo occupation. Changed to wanting to be a hermit
#36
Hailtobaphomet 5 years ago
I used to cover up the "root" in root beer and then tell all my friends "look! I'm doing a baddy" They were impressed, till my hand slipped
#37
#38
#39
#40
#41
#42
#43
Hermione Granger 5 years ago
Whenever someone says: I like how you look without glasses, I always say: I like how you look without my glasses too! Lol, sorry, off topic.
#45
What does a Foxxy say? 5 years ago
There are no muscles in the breast they lie under the breast above the ribs. The breast mainly consists of fatty tissues, lobules and ducts.
#46
Jessica Temple 5 years ago
my son said something similar about my acne when he was about 8... when he was 17 it was my turn to explain the whole, what goes around comes around thing!!
#47
#49
Ivy D 5 years ago
No, you had to have a basic knowledge of seventh grade math.
Load More Replies... #50
#52
#56
Kali Fugatte 5 years ago
Poor kid was taught at some point that people have to wear make up to look pretty. That sucks.
WilvanderHeijden 5 years ago
Or, you underestimate the observational skills of kids.
Load More Replies...
Add New Image
What do you think ?
Heidi Zimmermann 5 years ago
Our daughter stumbled and hit her foot against the curb last week, her reaction "Ouch! Oh man, that was my favorite foot"
Parmeisan 5 years ago
My all-time favourite was a little kid leaving Science camp. His dad said "How was it?" Kid goes "It was awesome! Except for the explosions. There were no explosions."
TTorrest Author 5 years ago
This happened about 20 years ago and it still makes me laugh: I was in the grocery store when I hear some poor beleaguered mom yell, "ANGELO, PUT THAT EGGPLANT DOWN!" I turned to see a little 3-year-old holding an eggplant over his head, running around the produce section, howling, "WHEEoooohWHEEoooohhhhh!"
Angela Johnston 5 years ago
4 year old son farted in church and yelled " DAD you did it again!"- lots of laughter. My husband turned bright red.
AzKhaleesi 5 years ago
On of my most favorite conversations with one of my kids (although kinda heartbreaking at the time lol) On my 30th Birthday: My then 5 yo: "Mama.... how old is you?" Me: "I'm 30 today baby!" Her: Eyes go wide, "Whaaaat? You should be dead!" Me: .... Thanks kid.... thanks. She is now 13 and I still tease her.
Bob Beltcher 5 years ago
My daughter likes to hide around the house and scare me. Just today she hid behind the master bedroom door and when I walked in she smacked a balloon right past my head. She's 7, I'll be lucky if I live till she graduates.
John Louis 5 years ago
One time a four-year-old named Joshua saw my rather ample stomach and asked me, "John (I am a male) are you going to have a Baby?"
Jane Alexander 5 years ago
Someone gave the little boy a poorly made stuffed toy unicorn. Says he; "Daddy, why he got a pee pee on his head?"
Heidi Zimmermann 5 years ago
Our daughter stumbled and hit her foot against the curb last week, her reaction "Ouch! Oh man, that was my favorite foot"
Parmeisan 5 years ago
My all-time favourite was a little kid leaving Science camp. His dad said "How was it?" Kid goes "It was awesome! Except for the explosions. There were no explosions."
TTorrest Author 5 years ago
This happened about 20 years ago and it still makes me laugh: I was in the grocery store when I hear some poor beleaguered mom yell, "ANGELO, PUT THAT EGGPLANT DOWN!" I turned to see a little 3-year-old holding an eggplant over his head, running around the produce section, howling, "WHEEoooohWHEEoooohhhhh!"
Angela Johnston 5 years ago
4 year old son farted in church and yelled " DAD you did it again!"- lots of laughter. My husband turned bright red.
AzKhaleesi 5 years ago
On of my most favorite conversations with one of my kids (although kinda heartbreaking at the time lol) On my 30th Birthday: My then 5 yo: "Mama.... how old is you?" Me: "I'm 30 today baby!" Her: Eyes go wide, "Whaaaat? You should be dead!" Me: .... Thanks kid.... thanks. She is now 13 and I still tease her.
Bob Beltcher 5 years ago
My daughter likes to hide around the house and scare me. Just today she hid behind the master bedroom door and when I walked in she smacked a balloon right past my head. She's 7, I'll be lucky if I live till she graduates.
John Louis 5 years ago
One time a four-year-old named Joshua saw my rather ample stomach and asked me, "John (I am a male) are you going to have a Baby?"
Jane Alexander 5 years ago
Someone gave the little boy a poorly made stuffed toy unicorn. Says he; "Daddy, why he got a pee pee on his head?"
Related on Bored Panda
