As you probably know, unless you live under a rock, Twitter and its newfound CEO, Elon Musk, have been the talk of the town over the past few weeks. Since Elon Musk’s takeover, we have seen everything from high-profile departures to a massive layoff. Last but not least, a whole new verification system that seems to have backfired like lighting a matchstick at a gas station. In a job market more and more made of flexible schedules, work-life balance, and remote working, Elon Musk hit his now ex-employees in the face with a big “nope.”
Countless Twitter memes later, the world is now split into those who believe Twitter’s era is over and those who think the company will be able to make it through this rough patch. We’re no visionaries here, so we’ll refrain from making predictions. But one thing is certain: Tweeters have delivered high-quality comedy over the years, and funny tweets are all we’re here for today.
If you’re looking for a good laugh, this is our “best of Twitter,” a place to come back to over and over again, in loving memory of what Twitter was in case everything goes down the drain. Here we’ve rounded up what we’re positive are some of the funniest tweets of all time — the ones that make us laugh every time we read them!
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As a girl, I’m going to assume it’s because of the ponytail… especially if you’ve been wearing it for a while. 🤕
My Head And Hair's Limit Is 0.00001 Seconds. It Won't Even Be Actually Tied Or Slightly Tight. I'll Get A Major Headache. My Head And Hair Hates Everything Touching It!! 🤦♀️🤦♀️😂😂
Load More Replies...Yes but Covid is a very different headache for me
Load More Replies...*gets mild headache* ME: Hello Death. Come to take me huh? MY BODY: No, stupid, drink something.
I'm pretty sure that the coffee myth has been debunked. In 2015/2016, my wife's OB said it was okay to drink caffeine, but maybe not in excess. Alcohol and cigarettes are still a no-go.
It's definitely ok per doctor advice but they recommend cutting down to one cup per day. I have 4 kids and they were between 8.3 lbs and 10 lbs, low birth weight + coffee is a myth. It's all the other unhealthy habits plus them letting women pick their due dates that is leading to lower and lower birth weights.
Load More Replies...People will always do whatever they want during pregnancy, and say stuff like, "If the baby is meant to be fine, they'll be fine"....I knew someone who got drunk af while heavily pregnant, and said that her baby 'had been through worse already'. A friend (not any more) from college miscarried because she did cocaine whilst pregnant. Like smh.
Brits drink tea almost since birth. Certainly don't stop when pregnant (at least my mother's generation). Don't think that's much different from coffee...
Depends on the tea. Coffee has more caffeine than black tea. Black tea has different levels of caffeine from herbal teas, green tea etc. My ob/gyn actually even suggested I don't drink any black tea, either, when we were trying to get pregnant, because any caffeine MIGHT reduce fertility, too.
Load More Replies...I've smoked a pack a day since mid-2005. When I found out I was pregnant in early 2007, one of the first questions my OB asked me was if I smoked, so I told her the truth. She flat out told me not to quit, because the stress from withdrawal was far more dangerous to the development of the baby than me continuing to smoke.
Had a coworker that was a heavy smoker - 2 packs a day. She was overweight and had some health issues that caused her to not find out she was pregnant until 6 months! Doctor said, "if you quit smoking now, your withdrawals could kill the baby." She worked on cutting back but she was basically told to keep smoking until childbirth. She left the job before she gave birth so I never found out what happened.
I don't think anyone would argue it's 'good' for anybody. The question is: Can you drink X amount of it without causing too much negative health impact?(Also: What is maximum value of X?)
Load More Replies...Me: Im not pregnant, I'm constipated. That's why I'm ordering the coffee.
Had some random woman at the park (years ago) come up to me and inform me that smoking was bad for my health. I wasn't near anyone else, including children, so I just looked at her and said, "So is giving unsolicited advice to an armed stranger, b*tch".
Same thing happened to me, I had just had lunch, belly was bloated. A lady asked me when was I due. I said I wasn't pregnant, I was just fat! The look on her face!
Oh no. Not my forever enemy. My arch nemesis. This Rromba shall forever rot in hell. Hopefully the humans join our sode when the war begins
I got one for my cat to ride on. He will not have anything to do with it.
According to legend the order of the sounds is mystical and powerful. Sections chanted in the right order can move mountains. This knowledge was kept secret by priestesses. I'm only famililiar with Greek and Celtic mythology, but in both sometime around the iron age priestesses agreed to gift man with the power of letters, but not the power of the sacred order. Thus letteres are arranged to allow men to communicate, but the order is such as to prevent spells being discovered. I love seeing mythology with similar stories.
cyrillic order: A B V G D E YE Z I Y K L M N O P R S T U F etc. Greek order: A V G D E Z I Th I K L M N X O P R S T U F etc.
Did you know that the ABC song is the same tune as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Somehow I didn't figure that out until I was an adult.
This is so cute, the child is obviously training to be a cat psychiatrist :D
Do not touch the butt! It's perfectly ok for us to shove them in your faces, but hands off! *glares at all the humans*
My babies all love to be scritched right before their tail - yoga downward dog, butt in the air, purring like mad, the whole orchestra with concert harp and bagpipes! If, however, I try to brush off a teeny tiny bit of matted fur (two of them are Mainecoons) from next to or the tail itself, it's pandemonium...
Load More Replies...That is exactly how my cat tells me off also! Way to go young lady! You are the next Norah O'Donnell! Look out CBS staff, Ms. DUANE will be in charge soon!!
I have these convos with my dog all the time, often in the form of improvised songs
I talk like this to my dog. It's part of how I distract him from another dog when he's getting stressed (was attacked by a much bigger dog last year). It works - he focuses on me and will only eyeball the other dog as long as it doesn't get to close. He's getting better!
Load More Replies...Wait but I do this all the time with my cats... CAT: *jumps up to steal fish ME: Nooo! Listen, we've talked about this!! You promised...
Cats are not legally bound by anything we say to our can-openers.
Load More Replies...I ask my dogs "oh my Lord! What did you eat?!?", After the pass gas. Knowing full well that I control what they eat. 😅
I do this to my abused rescue because he's been through enough. Usually it's a quiet NO from me.
I really wish there was a picture included—I want to see how big the lettuce was!
Me: So do I!! Her: than why are you looking at me like a piece of meat? Me: because meat compliments lettuce.
Nice! I sure hope you let her walk away all snobby-like with green vegetable hair!! And you snickered as she left! Karma is her name and I hope she was laughed at!!
We must summon the @3 owls in a coat... with me everyone 3 owls in a coat!!!
Load More Replies...Hello, 3 owls in the raincoat, I am 3 kobolds in a trenchcoat, nice to meet you 😁
hello, 3 kobolds in a trenchcoat, I am 3 dogs in a trenchcoat
Load More Replies...Well, time to say what I always say when this one pops up. I'm actually a bunch of rats operating a human-shaped mech suit.
LOL now all I need is @3 owls in a coat to reply to this and my life will be complete
Load More Replies...OMG! Just what I have been looking for all of my life! Where can I meet you?
I was wondering if Nigerians also didn't pronounce their R's (like the British) 🤣
Load More Replies...I love French Bulldogs. Unfortunately they're $4500. I can literally buy a Tiger for $1000 (USD). Blows my mind that a dog costs 4.5 tigers.
It's sad too because modern Frenchies are a tragic mess. They've been bred into nightmarish condition by peoples' insane "need" for super-brachycephalic dogs. Most Frenchies will have congenital health issues relating to their nearly nonexistent nasal passages and/or tear ducts. They wheeze constantly because they struggle to breathe. It's horrific. :( Poor doggos.
Load More Replies...I did this once as an overweight 20something in the 2000s. A full XXL sweater shrunk and went to my crackhead looking but not crackhead friend Kayla.
When the brew in the baby's nappy is so next level that an exorcism is required.
father: i'ts the circle of life...... insert: record scratch sound effect... mother: "honey she just peed all over you... " **husband runs to the bathroom**
And that's another definition of the phrase "praying to the porcelain goddess."
When you accidentally enter your symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and you discover you have a fatal case of Gary Busey.
"I went to my doctor because i was constantly sweating. A lot. After I explained my regimen of drugs and booze, he told me to call him immediately if i STOPPED sweating." HST - gonzo
WebMD be trying to make you wonder if you were even born, lmaoooooo
Reminds me of Lord Chesterfield response to an inquiry re his health: "Trelawney and I have been dead these two years, but we don't like to have it known."
I watch chubbyemu medical videos on YouTube, I’m now afraid of everything and my anxiety is off the charts! Lol
This. "Jetski" is just a name trademarked by Kawasaki.
Load More Replies...I work in the boating industry, and I will forever call them boatercycles from here on out!
Seriously, what happens when someone set's turbine engines on skis and jumps off Mt. Everest with them??!!!!
Oh my lord, could you imagine the fighting if we still had a land bridge? Uuuggghhhh....
I am hearing they will reconnect at some point. It's a *long* time, but they will
You’ll probably survive. You’ve lasted this long
Load More Replies...Even if we had Pangaea, the distances would still be great from one end of the super-continent to the other. Thus, depending on where you went on Pangaea, air fares could still be exorbitant.
That is the best!! O am sharing tat at work tomorrow! See everyone at the EEOC office at 8:15!!
I will never look at tge flight attendants the same way again! AND, probably giggle when they say trash!! Nice! Thank you!!
Sometimes I can't be sure whether they are saying "Your garbage" or "You're garbage."
My cousin is a flight attendant. I'll have to ask her how much she loves doing that.
A lot of people can tell the difference between "Trash?" and "Trash."
Imagine referring to a USB dongle by 'dingle' in a business presentation. Do I take the podium today, even though I stopped before 'berry'?
"Dingle" is an acceptable catch-all term for any piece of electronic equipment or a computer part that you cannot remember the name for in the moment. As an aside, my younger cat has long fur, and I call him "dingle-dongle pantaloons" because he occasionally dongles a dingleberry.
Load More Replies...Not sure by which definition a gym membership isn't a subscription though... "an arrangement to receive something regularly by paying in advance", where something = gym access.
I don't know...a breakfast margarita would go good with the breakfast burrito, wouldn't it?
like when my band friend dropped his saxophone down 15 ft of stands. It was in the shop for 3 months
same thing when they decide they don't want whatever you are feeding them.
You should see them in the spring when they're let out for the first time of the year!
And the grass is longer than they have seen since the last time they remembered seeing green grass! They act like it's a smorgasborg!!! Salad for all!!
Load More Replies...Imagine galloping a horse on a cross country path, and it suddenly discovers the ground is covered in food... Yep, I continued...
hmm I think if I was let loose in a candy store and told I could eat as much as I wanted, I'd probably eat about 2kg, vomit it up, and stop eating. So... I can see why they'd not be that stoked.
Reminds me of the Chocolate Room in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes, I was drooling when I read it
They are calm because they know the whole floor is food... Like, a LOT of wars throughout human history could have been averted if we could always simply look down and see either food or a source of sex
Meanwhile in a parallel universe: Can you imagine how awkward it would be if you went on your pet's phone and found the 1000s of pictures they have of you sleeping.
My cat is very dignified but sometimes falls asleep with her blankie in her mouth. I have the pictures but have promised not to share them.
Knowing my household, my dogs would find a way to turn this into a way to force me to trade my dinners for theirs and the cat would volunteer to be their legal councel.
Haha! I have so many because my doof sleeps on his back, with his feet in the air, and his head out of the bed on the floor.
The doctor lied, I thought we established that last time this very tweet was part of another BP thread.
"Heyyyy! Coming up with fresh ideas all the time is hard. 😫" Yes, well, obviously you underestimated just HOW bored some of these pandas are! They're right on your heels.
Load More Replies...I think the key thing the Dr missed here is that we don't all feel depressed/ anxious ALL the time. It's normal to feel a full range of emotions, but disorders, and clinical depression, are not something that everyone experiences.
This tweet is why the world has problems with mental health. You shouldn't rely on your PCP for mental health diagnoses. All too often they just medicate - when medication alone is 3x less effective than therapy (drug free) alone. Good mental health doctors will identify the problem and find a treatment plan. Sorry - can't find the citation, not enough time. But the study assessed the return of depression / anxiety as defined by the DSM after one year. Medication alone was ~26% effective at preventing a relapse. Therapy alone was 75% effective. A combination of both was close to 90%.
Load More Replies...I went on Roaccutane when I was 16. One of the possible side effects is depression. When I went for a checkup to see how I was going the Dr asked me if I felt depressed at all, my answer was "I'm 16! What do you think"
It's scary how many drugs for anxiety disorders and depression come with those kind of side effects :(
Load More Replies...Really? Do you think she needs a therapist to work through her denial!!
Went into a barber once and was told they DON'T take walk - ins. Asked why does the sign say OPEN then?
Morgue: “We can fit you in at 2pm on Wednesday? Will that be cash or charge?Will you be dead by then? “
Too good! What's worse is the sign that says by "appointment only." Who schedules their morgue appt????
I think you should be more worried about the ones who are walking out...
Anybody else read this to the theme song tune
Load More Replies...You know, I would do that work, but I'm not sure anyone else would get it!! :(
Reminds me of the lady from one of Junji ito's manga that could extend her arms
I open 0 social media since 2016 and have since adopted BP as a surrogate to constant negativity and gauntlet throwing goings on. Here, you are encouraged greatly and insulted nicely. Xo
Instagram is all lies though. At least Twitter is mostly honest chaos. I quit it over a year ago though.
@ your profile name. I learned recently that the decapitated head of a roach will still try to eat when you present food to it's mouth. The headless body living for days didn't disturb me but that factoid did
Load More Replies...Oh so he’s polyamorous then? I mean, I’m sure we can make it work..
Load More Replies...I feel like I am having a flashback to catholic HS days!! Too great!! Crazy teen years!!
He said, "I love Mike soooo much, I will get him in with my old man, who has the best pieces of real estate for the after life!"
Why put it there if you don’t want people to tick it? I hardly think a baby’s going to fill in the list
No more than a baby is going to take itself to a hospital. It's on the list for a parent to check off.
Load More Replies...I once checked pregnant or may be pregnant (male here) on the checkbox just to see if I could get a laugh from the nurse... No one laughed....
This was posted, pre COVID.. Now crying, sitting on the floor rocking, laying on the floor in the fetal position screaming...all normal.
Through all them tears, you didn't read correctly and the nurse sounds like a sadist.
yep, got nothing better to do, and using a machine gun would be fun, especially when everything falls apart from the recoil, except your hands.
Load More Replies...Another way to dodge the posthumous draft is to make an ash of yourself.
Does RIP count if it's a shared headstone and it's only on one side?
Can't be as bad as the time I whacked a stranger in the supermarket on the head with a frozen pie because from behind I thought it was my aunt. When she turned around all I had to say was oops as I hurriedly scurried away.
Load More Replies...Her own fault for not recognizing that all humans default to "wants ice cream."
Who doesn’t want ice cream?! Even vegans and the lactose intolerant want ice cream, they just can’t have it
Load More Replies...Understandable. I'd just give you an ice cream while you hang out with my kids/grandkids.
I was 18 and in downtown L.A. for a school project. It was my first time in the city without my parents. Some guys had a giant box of donuts and looking directly in my direction yelled, "Yo you want some donuts." I was like sure I want some donuts. He just looked at me like I was dumb and pointed at the homeless people behind me. I Charlie Brown good grief walked my butt right out of there. Its been 30 years and I'm still embarrassed.
Aww...now I want to give you a donut. He should have just walked over to give them donuts instead of randomly calling it out. Because duh, of course you would want a donut. Everyone wants them!
Load More Replies...Oh no! Well, it's her own fault! She didn't announce who was part of the invite! It's open season at the park!! Never cringe again unless you can read minds! Even if you can read minds, it's still her fault!!
Hubby did that at a church once. Sign out front advertising free spaghetti dinner. We were in the process of moving, and he was ahead at the new location with no food or electric yet. So he went in. The pastor said; " who are you? I don't remember seeing you at services." Hubby said he was just there for the free spaghetti. Sign changed the next day lol "free for members, $10 for non members"
The turkey's vlog: so guys, **gobble gobble, don't forget to like and subscribe.
Now I want to find out...thank you sooooo much random 5 year old child
Something in Andy Riley's "Great Lies to Tell Small Children" was like this.
The questions never come when you expect them lol. Like that time my kid asked where humans came from and I was trying to explain something about matrilineal stuff and he thought I said mammoths so he thought humans came from girl mammoths. Anyway turkey life questions definitely stumping but trying to distil human evolution into something simple enough for a 4 year old to understand with zero prep was pretty impossible.
Is it just me or are birthday calls the worst. Like srsly I'm trying to enjoy and then my great aunt who I've never seen in my life calls like nooo i wanna eat cakeeeee
And great aunt will always update you on her hermorrhoids
Load More Replies...My mother called me every year on my birthday to sing Happy Birthday to me. Even into her 90s.
Happy (belated) (or early) birthday! I know I can never replace your mom but you are still loved!
Load More Replies...The primary reason for a "crack of dawn birthday call" is cuz everyone wants to be the first one to wish you a Happy Birthday. This is the EXACT reason why my ringer is turned off until after I've had at least one cup of coffee and been wished by my SO.
I have to do such a call tomorrow.. I know already it will be an awkward convo. And 2 days later she will call me (because then is my birthday) and it will be even more awkward
Yeah, it makes it hard to be in denial when cruel people keep reminding you.
My childhood just came rushing back to me. I had totally forgot about that saying!
They would say „boys go to the Venus to get more genius and girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider“. My feminist little heart would get SO angry
The version of Venus I heard was, "Girls go to Venus to get a p..." Nvrmnd, I won't finish it.
Load More Replies...So at my school it's "Boys go to Venus to get a bigger p***s and girls so to China to get a bigger.... My school was weird
Oh my god... GET THE CROSSES EVERYONE THE APOCALYPSE HAS STARTED TAKE COVER AND HIDE IN YOUR HOMES!!!!! WE'VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS
Wait, I thought Stephanie did that, though?
Load More Replies...well, well, well... if it isn't the place we get our water from.
what if i made that my profile and acted like a dragonfly like u and we could be friends (maybe joking;) )
Load More Replies...I already have my name picked out - just waiting for the perfect time to escape!
Who does that? Ten years and a new name? Who was running from whom?
a..and...a....bunch of random......pl-plants
Load More Replies...Cesarean has nothing to do with caesar. It's no Caesarian, that there has never been proof that Caesar was even delivered via C-section. In roman times C-sections were mostly commonly done if the mother had died.
You're right - they should have called it "MacDuff".
Load More Replies...The C-section was named after him, even though he was the baby in question and not the mother or the doctor. But the salad was actually named after a different person with the same lady name centuries later.
Yeah-- no. Cesarean was derived from the latin word caedare/caeseus/caesarean which meant" to cut." Meaning the term was already in play even before caesar was born. Would be funnier to make jokes about him dying from what his name meant lmao
Load More Replies...Fellow fruit stander here. It's about time they stopped the car chases!
Tarantino in the background overhearing the conversation: "I'll give you a large sum of cash to make that happen"
My kids watching a movie: "Oh it's an american film, here's the car chase."
Who's this ghost? That suggests they aren't even around, really, anymore!!
When my dog barks, his bûtthole protrudes a little bit each time. As if he's barking out an ànal Morse code.
*proudly shows off her butt* What can I say? We cats have the best butts ever.
Thanks! I laughed and my cat turned around and walked away flicking her tail at me!!
I dunno, one of my cats does this and it never fails to cheer me up. She has a really funny b******e. I can't help it.
This is my life now. I'm constantly getting called home to fix the computers, TVs, iPads, iPhones, Alexas, etc., all of which my mother told me would give me brain tumors if I kept using them. XD
Me to my daughter: Would you show me how to do this on the computer? Her: Gawd mom, you're so old, you don't know anything about computers! Me: Ease up, remember, I taught You how to use a spoon!
My younger brother has a master's degree in computer technology, but our Mother still calls me with problems instead because I don't talk down to her.
in my case it is "Dad: can you loan me some money? Me: Well well if it isn't Mr why do you read so much"
Yes, she is strangely absent from this thread, isn't she? Hmmm. 🤔
Load More Replies...therapy costs 100 pounds but it only costs me nothing if i say it do be like that sometimes
Load More Replies...I'm not allowed to say it is what it is...stupid therapist doesn't realize she is MY employee
Therapist: and what do we do when we feel sad? Me: click 'add to cart' Therapist: no
Maybe it’ll get into a high speed chase and knock over all the fruit vendors!
At least you knew where it was, that's half the battle. Or so i've heard.
Why do they call them farmer's markets?. There are never any farmers there.
Really? That’s a shame. At ours that’s almost all there are - farmers.
Load More Replies...Is it for sale? And, how are they trying to advertise it? Organically grown? No pesticides? Better yet, is it electric?
Or as the famous commercial artist Mary Engelbreit said: "Life is just so Daily!" Life-is-Ju...a4306f.jpg
I get it, I eat also when I get stressed! Can you pass me the bag? We can scream together later to work off the cals!
He can take my chips when he pries them from my cold, dead- oh wait
Load More Replies...Wait wait I know these places I live in them every day!!!!!! 😮🙃🧐🤫👽😈
My sister once showed me Disappointment island on Google Earth and said that's where our little brother was born :,)
You kidding me??? Its the best part of the bread.
Load More Replies...When I was a kid, we were so poor that the birds would throw us crumbs.
I am pretty sure it is a game coming out soon or has come out.
Load More Replies...The Silent Sea. Korean horror/post apocalypse story, on Netflix. IMDb: : The Silent Sea https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11570202/
Oh no... Please... I don't want to think like this.... BP STOP DOING THIS TO ME!!!!!!!
Just embrace it. This is your thought process now
Load More Replies...According to the finance people at the end of season 7, this is true.
I thought he would put E in the front and S at the back, and it's a file about all your Exs. So you always know why you should not go back to them.
Huh, with my friends if I ask for help studying, they just tell me good luck and walk away laughing
Who wants to be a...celebrity show, David Duchovny calls Tea and after the question is read she says "Oh sorry honey, you are so screwed."
I'll be honest, I too complain about high gas prices. But for my little plane.
I'm not even on the lease here. I hide in the dryer when the landlord comes
That's OK, he's just sharing it with those of us who haven't.
Load More Replies...Will do so on my old blog (there’s barely anything in it and I made it when I was 12)
Wait, you have a blog?!! Ngl, not interested anymore
Load More Replies...Nah, car horns were doing that before mobile phones existed.
I dislike when people knock on my door when I have a working door bell.
Topaz. But feels about like rock bottom cuz today's my b-day and fate's been giving me c**p all day. Family forgot, woke up sick and exhausted, had to organize the entire storage room at work which I've never done before and looked like a tornado and earthquake hit simultaneously, have errands after work which will get me home past 9 o'clock, oven broke so I can't make myself a cake, family's broke so I'm not getting any presents, I have college homework overdue and will have to work till two in the morning again before getting up early for work and to top it all off, I'm still single as a pringle after getting my heart broken just this summer, only 20 and I'm sick and tired of living. Anyway, sorry for the rant, Imma go now before I get hit with a bus or something... Also why is BP censoring c**p?? 😐😑
A very happy birthday to you, Juliette! May your troubles pass and happier days await. 😊
Load More Replies...Gravel, grey ordinary gravel... On the upside it's fantastic at managing water runoff.
This one actually made me laugh out loud. Which is probably a shout-out to the current state of my mental health.
There’s a few of us that laughed out loud to this one. Stay in there!
Load More Replies...Omg. That was the only good thing about 7 am classes! Didn't have to follow people around parking lot to see if they were leaving
"yeah she dropped me off, she loves me and so on, but b*tch you sad cause you ain't got no one!"
So it was grandma’s spaghetti this entire time! (Eminem will get it)
I’ve got to get my certificates for them done where/how did you get yours done?
Load More Replies...Yesssss! And then it gets really awkward when you decide you like said guy best friend...
Luckily my guy bff is quite awesome. We baby each other when together. Hehehehe....
My neighbors build custom cars for the fun of it, real rich kid stuff, they also put anime stickers on it :P
My 2001 Volkswagen Eurovan is covered in stickers and decals. It and I are one: old, half broken-down trash. I love my car.
Tattoos are for advertizing...your first to last love, you love your mom, the turtle was really cute, a red rose where the sun don't shine, the snake really did curl around your arm, three tears under the right eye are for the years you did in prison, under the left: how many peeps you killed at Easter...I love looking at them. Oh. And don't forget l-o-v-e on the knuckles, cuz you get to explain that one in the end. They express our feelings when you don't go to that doc earlier in this article!
Wow, a Corolla? Fancy... I'd say I'm a Civic, but my Focus need for Focus
I missed the "I regret" part at first and was very confused at your remark🤣
Load More Replies...I love it this picture. It'll be a good story to tell him when you're cuddling.
Why does it kinda remind me of the dog thingy from Never Ending Story?
Imagine instead if it was pronounced Gee-off :) that would be a world I’d like to see
That’s how I thought you pronounce my uncles name when I was 6…
Load More Replies...I once had to explain to my 4 y.o. nephew that some people spell Geoff incorrectly and he would see a lot of losers out there that just don't know to spell his name! He would just have to sigh and spell it for them! 20 years later, he still sighs first!
Geoff Weiss, kid in jr. High leaned into it and proudly went by the nickname "Goof"
I want to stay for the rest of this show!! Who's doing the narration? Can you use Morgan Freeman? Everything sounds like it's going to be okay when he narrates! It makes the sad stuff less terrifying!!
I have a whole closet of clothes. Here is the thing though, I have favorites. I wear one for every day of the week. Less laundry, comfortable, easy!
Bill Burr's sketch on the 5 shirts comes to mind! :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkK0MYD-HcI
... um, I'm a guy, so... Probably start by assuring him I did NOT look inside before buying it lol
Woops! Depends on what happens when he gets to the announcement! You'll know where he stands on kids! That's one way to weed out the ni kiss men, no matter how handsome!
My wife did something like that. She bought my son a shirt that said "Cool Big Brother" but she just thought it said cool. I walked in immediately and was like "Are you trying to tell me something?"
I'm so glad I chose to be kid free (still feel young at 44) and I would've died if this happened to me. Can we do this another way please?
I'm usually too busy putting up all of my Shark Week decorations to go to the shore.
Except Landshark. He is never on shark week as he was ostracized back in the ‘70’s after the SNL gig. If he knocks, be sure and invite him in for cookies and milk.
"Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You’re the shark, and you know it." 🦈
Load More Replies...But be careful. The ones that didn't make the cut are are in a baaad mood.
I mean, it's in the name, and they're the plant people...
Load More Replies...Depending on the test I get either Ravenclaw or Slytherin.
The fourth one said "Cause we're terrified of what's around the corner" right? RIGHT??
The fourth one says nothing cause the kids screamed and were eatin by the beast 🙃
Load More Replies...Go find the closeted chip eater. They will save you from the murderer.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHH!
Yikes! I would not be able to eat ice cream out of those bowls! EVER!
Same! My neighbors had a birthday party for their kid, who was turning 4. They had a bouncy castle. I got into said bouncy castle immediately. I'm 40. The kids loved me. I was their bestie for the rest of the day. XD 10/10 will go into any bouncy castle I get the opportunity to go into.
Load More Replies...Love the cat! Is this the one that gets upset and shows his b******e?
Ah I love that book. It's one of my favourites. And a rare one where the movie is also good
i don't....get it. I like star wars but I think I missed the death star one so I don't understand this one
The death star is the ship that Vader is on that gets blown up at the end of episode IV A New Hope. The joke is that the building inspector comes, so Vader calls it the health star instead of the death star. It's not a very funny joke, so it's ok that you don't understand it. You didn't deserve that downvote
Load More Replies...Yes! I HATE making two trips XD I will hold a bag in my teeth if I have to.
Load More Replies...Whatever shoes are by the door no matter whose they are…those are the shoes you’re wearing outside.
I love Facebook in there! Love it! I guess now is a good time to add Twitter to that browsing history!!
1:00 PM WHY DID I WAKE UP IN JAIL- Google Search www.google.com
The bottom is cut out but I’ve seen it before, its another big box saying recovering from a call
Eesh DH2, mebe throw in a mwahaha or two? At least a JKAM? (Just Kidding About Murder) Yikesville.
Load More Replies...You can go to the McRamey Manor forHalloween only for the price of a bag of dog food. However, you have to sign a 40page liability waiver so they can’t be sued if you can’t last the ten hours in their torture chamber. Nobody has lasted or won the $20,000
At least have a heart attack! But, make sure it's good enough to impress the doc in the ED!
I always heard it "Im driving Ms. Jackson" instead of sorry....
This just reminded me of an extremely popular old song ( early 2000s ) beautiful song, basicaly a poem to city living ( Pedro Abrunhosa " momento " ) a trully Fantastic song, and then Galp made a publicity using that song, and made it 1000 better lmao.
It took way to long to realise this wasn't a Pan!c reference......
I saw a post about a doc higher up. You might want to check the doc or the nurse for that doc higher up^^! I am sure they will get you back in track. Plus, now in the US, you can dial 988 from any phone and get to someone to talk to! Just saying!!
If you look at the nozzle, you'll see a smaller hole above where the gas comes out. This provides a constant stream of air while putting in gas. When the tank is full, the gas blocks the hole, cutting off the air and it signals the pump to cut off.
I looked at the comments to try and find a correct answer and now I'm still not sure 😅
Wrong. There’s a little dude in the gas tank that yells “stop!” to another little dude in the pump, duh.
Load More Replies...Only if you live in New Mexico and it's around October, but that's only after everything else you have has been stolen by the security guards at the hotel you are staying at before hand!! Yep, typical day in Albuquerque, we got this!!
I have found my new life goal. I shall try this with the dvd cabinet at my friends house.
This reminds me of the lady that slowly replaced family photos with crayon drawings at her parent's house and it took them like, 2 years to notice.
More insulting to write "this is me looking the best I ever hoped for".
My picture would be, sorry..this one was taken after the accident.
catfish in this context is someone who sends a picture of random person claiming to be them.
Load More Replies...At least the fire in the cockpit can't travel to your lungs, right...?
The fire maybe not, but the smoke from the fire will kill you faster than vaping so.... Also the fall after the controls melt and the plane crashes... I'd prefer a vaping pilot 😂😂
Load More Replies...LOL!intercoms? And then: Did anyone bring stuff for smores over the intercomm?
Aww man don’t go knocking on vaping!….sigh. I love vaping my “unicorn dreams “ flavor and “pixie tears” flavor. Check them out at www.thelocalvapory.com. Much love to my cholas in Las Cruces New Mexico!!! Woooo hoooo! Oh and they will still mail vape juice to you in the mail!!
, upon which sat a tiny porcelain dove, which seemed oddly out of place given the theme….
So the doctor says, " If that's my thermometer, then where the hell's my pen?!"
My husband does this all.the.time. I have to remind him to go back to the beginning and loop me in!
You should have held off and sent her in for two ;)
Load More Replies...It's just supposed to be a joke Paulo
Load More Replies...Nah. My sister is the one who does this to me (with texts of "hello???" or just "????" if I don't answer within seconds). She is definitely not my friend. XD
Load More Replies...Ha, I'm the person who will spam my friends with the same message until they finally reply to it
Omg mood. I care about my friends too much to resist the urge to text them 1000 times
What!?! Now now now, we can't just say we are proud! We gotta throw a party!
Abd your patron Saint is Jude!! Yeah, been there! Bought the shirt, wanna try it on?
What (pls dont get mad at me i dont think I'm dumb but they say apartment more than flat here where i live in the US but maybe im just stupid)
It's always ok to ask. Ik on this site there are morons who downvote genuine questions but don't let it deter you from asking for clarification! It's a play on words because in England they call apartments "flats".
Load More Replies...The joke is that the US says flat earth and calls a place to live with multiple dwellings "apartments". In the UK, they call apartments "flats". So it's switching it up..
Hahahahahahahaha, my Boyfriend has a skull with bat wings tattoo on his hand.
Edgar Allan Poe. Kim Newman wrote a short story about how the imposter Edgar Allen Poe was stalking the author.
🤣 This is exactly my sense of humor. This should be waaaaaaaay higher. It is perfect random humor.
(Tries to chant but can't because I'm giggling too much)
When i say iced, i mean liquid nitrogen from the pits of the antarctic
Load More Replies...Whenever someone mentions burnt risotto I think of Gordon Ramsey yelling: “You idiot!”
deflating and scrunching??? honestly no clue
Load More Replies...List of things my kid has flushed down the toilet: 1.) A medium sized stuffed zebra 2.) Lip balm 3.) Underwear 4.) Plastic coins 5.) A comb 6.) A toilet paper tube 7.) A cat toy shaped like a mouse 8.) Plastic wrappers 9.) One of my shirts 10.) And this one caused the worst plumbing problem I've ever seen, 6 individual bathroom cups at the same time
ODG! No tiktok videos!? It didn't happen unless it's been posted on every freaking site!!
Me whenever I justify drinking too much diet soda: water is the first ingredient!
Unfortunately eating human beings is very much frowned upon nowadays
Load More Replies...No no no!! All wrong!! Rent should be like $100! Only ONCE!! Buy a tent! Problem solved. You're welcome 🤓
The joke is funny, but I can't get past the random numbers. In my area, Food=$800, Utilities=250, Rent=1800 for 2br, $1200 for 1br. Candles=idk like 20 bucks each maybe?
Buy candles that smell like apple pie. Food check✅ Buy large candles for light and heat. Utilities ✅ Now you have an extra $350/month
I was always told to drink it flat. Stir it until it no longer produces bubbles and then it's just an electrolyte solution. Pro tip: when grave rush and barfing, frozen strawberries help lower your temperature and taste the same coming back up. Helps a lot. My husband thought I was crazy until he tried it. Reduces that nasty acidic taste the often triggers more waves of barfing.
Always thought it was to help you barf. Certainly worked when I was a kid..
In case no one gets it, he's taking about the lyric in "Seasons of Love" from Rent the musical.
Thanks. Never seen it, didn’t get it, just stopped trying to work out the answer in my head. You saved me about 6 hours. Or 360 minutes.
Load More Replies...If you don't get the reference, then you are probably straight.
Load More Replies...Im a theatre kid... my daughter asked my hubby that once (he of course had no idea) I was like- yes! this is FINALLY my moment.... I also use the same number for "mom, how long till dinner?"
Calendar-wise, yes. Real world, no. it takes about 365.24 days for a full orbit of the sun. That's about 525,945.6 minutes. (The calendar uses Leap Year rules to adject for this.)
Nice! I bet you never thought that would be a "why is the sky blue?" Question!! Maybe you just start off with why the sky is blue and he forgets what he originally asked and you're off the hook until he asks again...525,600 minutes! See it's that easy!
So yesterday I was clicking boxes on Indeed bragging about my organizational skills, professional demeanor, and ability to work independently and as part of a team. Today I've done nothing but fūck about with some wisecracking pandas and now it's noon and the shower is like, "Skank, I can't drag you in here myself, les'gooooo!" But I'm motivated af.
We've never met you, Kevin Durant, but we have a pretty good idea what's goin' on.
I always knew I should of made the glasses windscreen wipers then. Darn it
No, let's do the Wave in synch with the coffin coming down the aisle.
Reminds me of Coffee Talk with Linda Richman. "I'm getting verklempt! Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic, Rhode Island is neither a road nor and island....Discuss!"
I grew up there..weird place. The original full name, up until very recently was rhode island and the providence plantations..anyways the original island that newport is on (yes THAT newport, with the kennedys and the festival) is now called aquidneck island. A dutch explorer named it roodt eylandt "red island" for the color of the clay. More fun facts..roger williams, the founder, was the original new england badass. He got kicked out of puritan Massachusetts colony for being wayyy too progressive for his time. He was friendly with the natives and traded with them as equals.
Hhmm. Same with Massachusetts. Neither a mass, or a chusetts. Weird.
If QuikTrip is open 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? (Yes, I know the answer to that one)
Well, it depends on the taste i suppose. I'm fruity and I watch a LOT of musicals.
My ex was like this he drove me crazy with his crazy movies. And 99% of them will Hallmark movies. My rule was I had to read what the movie was about before I watched it. But to be fair I did make him watch anime at times. But only watching episode or two at a time I'm don't binge them for 9 10 hours
Oh I’m so sorry for you. Every Hallmark movie: big city white single girl goes to small town and finds love with handsome man who happens to be single but never finds love with ALL the eligible people in town. Girl realizes she loves small town better than said big city and moves there. The End. Oh and never ever any gay couples of course per Candace Cameron Bure. Add holiday lights for Christmas movies but same plot.
Load More Replies...Judging by your grammar and spelling, neither are you ;p
Load More Replies...There are more than 17 days between holidays. When else would you subject yourself to those green instruments of torture?!
If you just learned “the government is bad” ; coffee isn’t gonna wake you up because you drank the Kool aid.
I think the person's profile pic who she was apologizing to was light blue with an egg shape
Translation: 'Hi, Rio, do you want me to pick you up in the morning, mate?'
