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As you probably know, unless you live under a rock, Twitter and its newfound CEO, Elon Musk, have been the talk of the town over the past few weeks. Since Elon Musk’s takeover, we have seen everything from high-profile departures to a massive layoff. Last but not least, a whole new verification system that seems to have backfired like lighting a matchstick at a gas station. In a job market more and more made of flexible schedules, work-life balance, and remote working, Elon Musk hit his now ex-employees in the face with a big “nope.”

Countless Twitter memes later, the world is now split into those who believe Twitter’s era is over and those who think the company will be able to make it through this rough patch. We’re no visionaries here, so we’ll refrain from making predictions. But one thing is certain: Tweeters have delivered high-quality comedy over the years, and funny tweets are all we’re here for today.

If you’re looking for a good laugh, this is our “best of Twitter,” a place to come back to over and over again, in loving memory of what Twitter was in case everything goes down the drain. Here we’ve rounded up what we’re positive are some of the funniest tweets of all time — the ones that make us laugh every time we read them!

#1

Funniest Tweets Of All Time

pmilbs_ Report

Tessa Fontaine
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

As a girl, I’m going to assume it’s because of the ponytail… especially if you’ve been wearing it for a while. 🤕

Yodelis Sosa
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

My Head And Hair's Limit Is 0.00001 Seconds. It Won't Even Be Actually Tied Or Slightly Tight. I'll Get A Major Headache. My Head And Hair Hates Everything Touching It!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂😂

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James016
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Just one or can we pick a combo?

Tricia Burcell
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Two years later they would add, “or is it Covid” to that list.

Nadine Debard
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Yes but Covid is a very different headache for me

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Brightly
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

I play this all the time! I have yet to win 🥴

Jordi Sharpe
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

*gets mild headache* ME: Hello Death. Come to take me huh? MY BODY: No, stupid, drink something.

Kaisa Koo
Community Member
3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

Or stiff neck/Back, lack of oxygen/pollution, lack of exercise:)

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    #2

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Diamond_Jax Report

    Patrick John Haskins
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm pretty sure that the coffee myth has been debunked. In 2015/2016, my wife's OB said it was okay to drink caffeine, but maybe not in excess. Alcohol and cigarettes are still a no-go.

    Monosyllabic girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's definitely ok per doctor advice but they recommend cutting down to one cup per day. I have 4 kids and they were between 8.3 lbs and 10 lbs, low birth weight + coffee is a myth. It's all the other unhealthy habits plus them letting women pick their due dates that is leading to lower and lower birth weights.

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    SaneMinotaur (she/her)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    People will always do whatever they want during pregnancy, and say stuff like, "If the baby is meant to be fine, they'll be fine"....I knew someone who got drunk af while heavily pregnant, and said that her baby 'had been through worse already'. A friend (not any more) from college miscarried because she did cocaine whilst pregnant. Like smh.

    Stimpy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Brits drink tea almost since birth. Certainly don't stop when pregnant (at least my mother's generation). Don't think that's much different from coffee...

    Pizzagirl 91
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Depends on the tea. Coffee has more caffeine than black tea. Black tea has different levels of caffeine from herbal teas, green tea etc. My ob/gyn actually even suggested I don't drink any black tea, either, when we were trying to get pregnant, because any caffeine MIGHT reduce fertility, too.

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    Amberlie Mikelsen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I've smoked a pack a day since mid-2005. When I found out I was pregnant in early 2007, one of the first questions my OB asked me was if I smoked, so I told her the truth. She flat out told me not to quit, because the stress from withdrawal was far more dangerous to the development of the baby than me continuing to smoke.

    Ruben M
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Had a coworker that was a heavy smoker - 2 packs a day. She was overweight and had some health issues that caused her to not find out she was pregnant until 6 months! Doctor said, "if you quit smoking now, your withdrawals could kill the baby." She worked on cutting back but she was basically told to keep smoking until childbirth. She left the job before she gave birth so I never found out what happened.

    Sredna
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They should've minded their own business for sure!!

    Shannon Hawks
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    so is coffee good for us or not. changes every year

    Giobemo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't think anyone would argue it's 'good' for anybody. The question is: Can you drink X amount of it without causing too much negative health impact?(Also: What is maximum value of X?)

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    Terri Martin
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Me: Im not pregnant, I'm constipated. That's why I'm ordering the coffee.

    Celtic Pirate Queen
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Had some random woman at the park (years ago) come up to me and inform me that smoking was bad for my health. I wasn't near anyone else, including children, so I just looked at her and said, "So is giving unsolicited advice to an armed stranger, b*tch".

    Hetal Vyas
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Same thing happened to me, I had just had lunch, belly was bloated. A lady asked me when was I due. I said I wasn't pregnant, I was just fat! The look on her face!

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    #3

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    AndyAsAdjective Report

    Squawkleo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe this is the machine they were raging against?

    BatPhace
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I for one welcome our new Roomba overlords

    Ren Karlej
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't if they're going to eat my snacks!

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    aniramx
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The Roomba displaying its dominance

    Queen Julius Her Majesty the 3rd
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh no. Not my forever enemy. My arch nemesis. This Rromba shall forever rot in hell. Hopefully the humans join our sode when the war begins

    RajunCajun
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I got one for my cat to ride on. He will not have anything to do with it.

    ._.
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    First the Roombas, next the websi--

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    #4

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    silence__kit Report

    Wondering Alice
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    According to legend the order of the sounds is mystical and powerful. Sections chanted in the right order can move mountains. This knowledge was kept secret by priestesses. I'm only famililiar with Greek and Celtic mythology, but in both sometime around the iron age priestesses agreed to gift man with the power of letters, but not the power of the sacred order. Thus letteres are arranged to allow men to communicate, but the order is such as to prevent spells being discovered. I love seeing mythology with similar stories.

    censorshipsucks
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    cyrillic order: A B V G D E YE Z I Y K L M N O P R S T U F etc. Greek order: A V G D E Z I Th I K L M N X O P R S T U F etc.

    Upstaged75
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Did you know that the ABC song is the same tune as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Somehow I didn't figure that out until I was an adult.

    Brocken Blue
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    😳 how did I not notice this before either…

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    Shannon Hawks
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    police may disagree with that statement

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    #5

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ceejoyner Report

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's official, the Aye's have it! I motion that it passes!

    El Dee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Definitely, removing waste and enabling recycling is an 'Art' much more than 'Pick Up' is - those guys are the real rubbish..

    Asphalt Bubblegum
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This should actually be put in practice.

    Timbob
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Pick up men and garbage artists?

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    #6

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    MrPaulDuane Report

    LoneTomato
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER😂

    Deborah Harris2
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is so cute, the child is obviously training to be a cat psychiatrist :D

    Shyla Bouche
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Do not touch the butt! It's perfectly ok for us to shove them in your faces, but hands off! *glares at all the humans*

    Yoga Kitty
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My babies all love to be scritched right before their tail - yoga downward dog, butt in the air, purring like mad, the whole orchestra with concert harp and bagpipes! If, however, I try to brush off a teeny tiny bit of matted fur (two of them are Mainecoons) from next to or the tail itself, it's pandemonium...

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    Amour Doctrina
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Get her on GOOD MORNING AMERICA!🏆

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That is exactly how my cat tells me off also! Way to go young lady! You are the next Norah O'Donnell! Look out CBS staff, Ms. DUANE will be in charge soon!!

    Upstaged75
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Kid has a future career in comedy!

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    WHY IS THIS RATED SO LOW!!!!

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    #7

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    NicCageMatch Report

    Anti
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have these convos with my dog all the time, often in the form of improvised songs

    Remi Flynne
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I talk like this to my dog. It's part of how I distract him from another dog when he's getting stressed (was attacked by a much bigger dog last year). It works - he focuses on me and will only eyeball the other dog as long as it doesn't get to close. He's getting better!

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    theoneandonlynoira
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait but I do this all the time with my cats... CAT: *jumps up to steal fish ME: Nooo! Listen, we've talked about this!! You promised...

    Shyla Bouche
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cats are not legally bound by anything we say to our can-openers.

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    Quinn Nix
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And then even more quietly, "You're embarrassing me!"

    Scott Vandiver
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sounds completely reasonable to me

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Okay, that has to be my vrother from another mother!

    Christie Amador Egendoerfer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I ask my dogs "oh my Lord! What did you eat?!?", After the pass gas. Knowing full well that I control what they eat. 😅

    Anne S.
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Totally guilt of this. Also, my dog will sometimes growl at something random a leaf or a person. I say "name! We discussed this gutter language you've picked up. Not appropriate!" Then apologize profusely if it is a person or a person with another animal.

    Joshua David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I do this to my abused rescue because he's been through enough. Usually it's a quiet NO from me.

    Wellsandra Hill
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Does the dog have a wrong taste in women?

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    #8

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Bentono10 Report

    Sam Juan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Lettuce pray for this couple.

    Basko
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe likes her dressing...

    Tessa Fontaine
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I really wish there was a picture included—I want to see how big the lettuce was!

    RavenTheCat
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a boyfriend too too y'know *has a entire cabbage on my head*

    Imjust jim
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe he used a salad shooter on her...i would.

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Me: So do I!! Her: than why are you looking at me like a piece of meat? Me: because meat compliments lettuce.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nice! I sure hope you let her walk away all snobby-like with green vegetable hair!! And you snickered as she left! Karma is her name and I hope she was laughed at!!

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ong anytime i set eyes on somebody apparently it's abt RoMaNcE- be so fr

    Ellie Ripps
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a feeling the boyfriend put if there

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    #9

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Mimiification Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    @3 owls in a coat IS THIS YOU TELL ME THIS IS YOU PLSSS

    Do-nut touch da donut
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We must summon the @3 owls in a coat... with me everyone 3 owls in a coat!!!

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    BatPhace
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hello, 3 owls in the raincoat, I am 3 kobolds in a trenchcoat, nice to meet you 😁

    aZZy_d3Lta
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    hello, 3 kobolds in a trenchcoat, I am 3 dogs in a trenchcoat

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    Katie Lutesinger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, time to say what I always say when this one pops up. I'm actually a bunch of rats operating a human-shaped mech suit.

    Lihn Song
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hello three owls in a raincoat I am 5 raccoons in a bathrobe, it's very nice to meet you

    Tommy Raymond
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    3 owls in a raincoat.... Ill date !

    Basko
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The owls are not what they seem.

    barn owls ️
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    me too bestie. life’s hard when your 3 barn owls in a trench coat. 😔

    theoneandonlynoira
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    LOL now all I need is @3 owls in a coat to reply to this and my life will be complete

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    Louis Bencomo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    OMG! Just what I have been looking for all of my life! Where can I meet you?

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    #10

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    adex0057 Report

    Juliette Deroulede
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh my word... The little feet... I can't take it ROTFL 😂😂😂😂😂😂

    Little Lion
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Whelp..I just spit out my perfectly good coffee

    Pluto
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It’s THE GROUT (wimpy kid reference)

    Angie Falzarano
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Still laughing thos is way toooooo cute

    Giobemo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was wondering if Nigerians also didn't pronounce their R's (like the British) 🤣

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    Terran
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    CPS: tell me again why your kid has a broken nose?

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    #11

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    alextumay Report

    K W
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I love French Bulldogs. Unfortunately they're $4500. I can literally buy a Tiger for $1000 (USD). Blows my mind that a dog costs 4.5 tigers.

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's sad too because modern Frenchies are a tragic mess. They've been bred into nightmarish condition by peoples' insane "need" for super-brachycephalic dogs. Most Frenchies will have congenital health issues relating to their nearly nonexistent nasal passages and/or tear ducts. They wheeze constantly because they struggle to breathe. It's horrific. :( Poor doggos.

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    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The doggo's aware of its fabulous looks

    Mason Dalmau
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Damn... even shrunk the buttons...

    Brightly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That is GREAT news! Adorably great news 😍

    Joshua David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I did this once as an overweight 20something in the 2000s. A full XXL sweater shrunk and went to my crackhead looking but not crackhead friend Kayla.

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    #12

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ahptik Report

    Monika
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Alternatively: [insert that lion king scene i cant remember lmao]

    Natalie H
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The sign looks like a family poop crisis lol

    Peppy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think the kids got a full nappy

    Asphalt Bubblegum
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When the brew in the baby's nappy is so next level that an exorcism is required.

    Rebecca Wohl
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    father: i'ts the circle of life...... insert: record scratch sound effect... mother: "honey she just peed all over you... " **husband runs to the bathroom**

    David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I always feel just a teensy bit guilty at how much jokes like this make me laugh.

    robin aldrich
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or baby about to explode a load...diaper not holding it back...

    Janet Howe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And that's another definition of the phrase "praying to the porcelain goddess."

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    #13

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Kyle1092 Report

    Philly Bob Squires
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When you accidentally enter your symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and you discover you have a fatal case of Gary Busey.

    Imjust jim
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "I went to my doctor because i was constantly sweating. A lot. After I explained my regimen of drugs and booze, he told me to call him immediately if i STOPPED sweating." HST - gonzo

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My BIL likes to do this. Once he diagnosed himself with pleurisy and called my sister, who works in a hospital, panic-stricken. Didn't even cross his mind that he's severely asthmatic 🤣

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And I've had cancer since 1998. Read on.

    Cindy Irvin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    WebMD only has two speeds -- stress and cancer.

    Adam Anonymous
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    WebMD be trying to make you wonder if you were even born, lmaoooooo

    bill marsano
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Reminds me of Lord Chesterfield response to an inquiry re his health: "Trelawney and I have been dead these two years, but we don't like to have it known."

    Sweet_Dee
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Haven't we all though?

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I watch chubbyemu medical videos on YouTube, I’m now afraid of everything and my anxiety is off the charts! Lol

    NaMiMoore
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I hate this. This is so me.

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    #14

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    nice_mustard Report

    Stephanie Did It
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I knew a kid who called motorbikes Soda Michaels

    Eli D
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I would have to say boatercycles is better because it’s more coherent

    Lo Kindred
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I work in the boating industry, and I will forever call them boatercycles from here on out!

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Seriously, what happens when someone set's turbine engines on skis and jumps off Mt. Everest with them??!!!!

    Sweet_Dee
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm just mad that this isn't credited to who I originally heard say it... DMX (RIP) (back on a podcast circa 2010 I think)

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    #15

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    BlairAlzuro Report

    ._.
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *retweets in my head because I don't have Twitter*

    Pluto
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Pangaea, tho I did not exist then

    Walter Brameld
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I mean, I would still fly instead of drive across Pangea.

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh my lord, could you imagine the fighting if we still had a land bridge? Uuuggghhhh....

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am hearing they will reconnect at some point. It's a *long* time, but they will

    Waddling Land Fish
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You’ll probably survive. You’ve lasted this long

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    KittyGotClaws
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Even if we had Pangaea, the distances would still be great from one end of the super-continent to the other. Thus, depending on where you went on Pangaea, air fares could still be exorbitant.

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    literally nobody but me: me in the airplane the second theres ANY turbulance: *pulls out inflatable coffin and/or life jacket and send text to ex* "GOODBYE WORLD"

    Jeanette McKell
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We need to build a bridge over the oceans!

    bill marsano
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Don't miss Pangaea at all--the train prices were astronomical.

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    #16

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    paigealban23 Report

    Steve Robert
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Same thing happened in the chilli asle

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That is the best!! O am sharing tat at work tomorrow! See everyone at the EEOC office at 8:15!!

    🥔SaltyPotato🥔
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Dang. they got ppl make jokes out of wrong food

    Junior Farrell
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Catherine Couch
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is my grocery and my coffee shop all the time. 🥶🥶

    Mrs S
    Community Member
    Premium
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    He's adorable!

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    #17

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    louisvirtel Report

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I will never look at tge flight attendants the same way again! AND, probably giggle when they say trash!! Nice! Thank you!!

    Dee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You take your wins where you can.

    Cassandra Adams
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This was a line in a David Sedaris book...maybe a coincidence?

    Mouse
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    “Your trash. You’re trash. Your family’s trash."

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    Addy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Next time I'm going to say I sure am or I am not and look offended heeehee let's see if I remember

    Christof Irran
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sometimes I can't be sure whether they are saying "Your garbage" or "You're garbage."

    Cindy Irvin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My cousin is a flight attendant. I'll have to ask her how much she loves doing that.

    Jonathan Zoccarato
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A lot of people can tell the difference between "Trash?" and "Trash."

    Iridian
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is kind of like a "can't unsee" thing.

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    #18

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ahahamina Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Imagine referring to a USB dongle by 'dingle' in a business presentation. Do I take the podium today, even though I stopped before 'berry'?

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Dingle" is an acceptable catch-all term for any piece of electronic equipment or a computer part that you cannot remember the name for in the moment. As an aside, my younger cat has long fur, and I call him "dingle-dongle pantaloons" because he occasionally dongles a dingleberry.

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    Brightly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This one is old but still hilarious 😂

    Marcellus II
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Not sure by which definition a gym membership isn't a subscription though... "an arrangement to receive something regularly by paying in advance", where something = gym access.

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, now you know, and knowing is half the battle...

    Amberlie Mikelsen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why does a scene from the movie Monster Squad come to mind?

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    #19

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    TJKilbride Report

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Fine, Screwdrivers then.

    robin aldrich
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't know...a breakfast margarita would go good with the breakfast burrito, wouldn't it?

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nice! Love Janet already!! At noon, it's happy hour anyway!

    Alli VanHuysen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    C'mon you guys, there's no need to be judgy!

    Birb
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Everytime is a good time for margaritasssss

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    #20

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    _klockwork Report

    UrbanHiker317
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I wood. He seems to have lost his bark. I'll excuse myself...

    K Madd
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I don't know... He seems a bit board

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Can he still bark? If not, i wood take him

    Jane Doe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No! :( He lost his bark. I think it made him board.

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    Jo Davies
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Looks like some lab work is required

    Yourname942
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Idk, but he's s looking a bit stiff

    simply.Taz
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nah, he just looks "bored" to me!......ok, I'm leaving now.......

    SP
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Birch, please. He seems pine, except for the lack of fir.

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    #21

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    mixedmediapaper Report

    Herkfixer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's better than when they become toddlers and then mom and dad end up holding everything the kid doesn't want to hold anymore.

    Terran
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's cute when a baby does it, but it's absolutely hilarious when an astronaut does it shortly after returning from a space station, because they forgot stuff doesn't float on earth.

    Eli D
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Every single comment made me laugh more and more

    🥔SaltyPotato🥔
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    like when my band friend dropped his saxophone down 15 ft of stands. It was in the shop for 3 months

    BoredPandaSucks
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    same thing when they decide they don't want whatever you are feeding them.

    Stephanie A Mutti
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's like a metaphor for how adults should handle bad feelings.

    Janet Howe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When I do that they tell me I'm senile.

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Did anyone else immediately interpret this as dropping contents into their diapers? Because it makes absolute sense.

    Hestia
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Just like; “nahh ngl I’m to good for you”

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *drops all responsibilities*

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    #22

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    KeetPotato Report

    JB
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You should see them in the spring when they're let out for the first time of the year!

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And the grass is longer than they have seen since the last time they remembered seeing green grass! They act like it's a smorgasborg!!! Salad for all!!

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    Janet Howe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes, that's true. But. The whole floor is their toilet as well.

    Jan Dunn
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And for them free transportation is not a good thing.

    VikingAbroad
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Imagine galloping a horse on a cross country path, and it suddenly discovers the ground is covered in food... Yep, I continued...

    Amy T
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm surrounded by cows and haven't even thought of this. This is great.

    censorshipsucks
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    hmm I think if I was let loose in a candy store and told I could eat as much as I wanted, I'd probably eat about 2kg, vomit it up, and stop eating. So... I can see why they'd not be that stoked.

    Artsy Bookworm
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Reminds me of the Chocolate Room in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Yes, I was drooling when I read it

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They are calm because they know the whole floor is food... Like, a LOT of wars throughout human history could have been averted if we could always simply look down and see either food or a source of sex

    Michael Largey
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, they're sure not nervous about starving to death.

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    #23

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    laurajlovette Report

    Some black giirrrrllll
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Meanwhile in a parallel universe: Can you imagine how awkward it would be if you went on your pet's phone and found the 1000s of pictures they have of you sleeping.

    Elizabeth Anderson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My cat is very dignified but sometimes falls asleep with her blankie in her mouth. I have the pictures but have promised not to share them.

    Janet Howe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    All's fair. They have 1000 pics of me sitting on the toilet.

    Angi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My dog occasionally wakes up and gives me a death stare before going back to sleep.

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It would consider you a creep... THAT YOU CLEARLY ARE

    Asphalt Bubblegum
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Knowing my household, my dogs would find a way to turn this into a way to force me to trade my dinners for theirs and the cat would volunteer to be their legal councel.

    Aubrie Allen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Haha! I have so many because my doof sleeps on his back, with his feet in the air, and his head out of the bed on the floor.

    Pluto
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That’s why I don’t have a pet

    Holly Allen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "bark bark barky ruff?" translates to "dude...what the hell?"

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    #24

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    aly__dixon Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The doctor lied, I thought we established that last time this very tweet was part of another BP thread.

    Giobemo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Heyyyy! Coming up with fresh ideas all the time is hard. 😫" Yes, well, obviously you underestimated just HOW bored some of these pandas are! They're right on your heels.

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    SaneMinotaur (she/her)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think the key thing the Dr missed here is that we don't all feel depressed/ anxious ALL the time. It's normal to feel a full range of emotions, but disorders, and clinical depression, are not something that everyone experiences.

    enohPilivE
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This tweet is why the world has problems with mental health. You shouldn't rely on your PCP for mental health diagnoses. All too often they just medicate - when medication alone is 3x less effective than therapy (drug free) alone. Good mental health doctors will identify the problem and find a treatment plan. Sorry - can't find the citation, not enough time. But the study assessed the return of depression / anxiety as defined by the DSM after one year. Medication alone was ~26% effective at preventing a relapse. Therapy alone was 75% effective. A combination of both was close to 90%.

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    V
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I went on Roaccutane when I was 16. One of the possible side effects is depression. When I went for a checkup to see how I was going the Dr asked me if I felt depressed at all, my answer was "I'm 16! What do you think"

    SaneMinotaur (she/her)
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's scary how many drugs for anxiety disorders and depression come with those kind of side effects :(

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    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Really? Do you think she needs a therapist to work through her denial!!

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    don't lie to patients sir. the FBI will arrive in 3...2...-

    elcee
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I hate this. I'm always like well my baseline is a sort of resting depression so, let me know where I go from there

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    #25

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    416Bando Report

    Angersly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am never going to donate blood again. They claim to be desperate for donors, but all I get are questions like, where did it come from? And why is it in a bucket?

    Imjust jim
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Went into a barber once and was told they DON'T take walk - ins. Asked why does the sign say OPEN then?

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Morgue: “We can fit you in at 2pm on Wednesday? Will that be cash or charge?Will you be dead by then? “

    Su Smith
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Laughed out loud, and I swear I heard giggling from behind the metal drawer door😱😱

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Too good! What's worse is the sign that says by "appointment only." Who schedules their morgue appt????

    SaneMinotaur (she/her)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ima just lie in this empty drawer, don't mind me.

    Kyle Broflovski
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think you should be more worried about the ones who are walking out...

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    #26

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    SummerRay Report

    Trophy Husband
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You can't unsee that, I love it!

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You know, I would do that work, but I'm not sure anyone else would get it!! :(

    Mike Morton
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Reminds me of the lady from one of Junji ito's manga that could extend her arms

    #27

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Brazos_Elkins Report

    Dee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Avoiding socializing.

    Joshua David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I open 0 social media since 2016 and have since adopted BP as a surrogate to constant negativity and gauntlet throwing goings on. Here, you are encouraged greatly and insulted nicely. Xo

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Instagram is all lies though. At least Twitter is mostly honest chaos. I quit it over a year ago though.

    Saturn Rings
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    Load More Replies...
    Brightly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is especially true now 😩

    El Dee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was on all of these and now, no Insta, no FB and no Twitter. I don't have to keep up with everyone's opinion of my life and don't see the drama - result is more happiness. So it's true, ignorance IS bliss..

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    #28

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    primawesome Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Hey, I'm Jesus. I love Mike"

    Richard Gugula II
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    @ your profile name. I learned recently that the decapitated head of a roach will still try to eat when you present food to it's mouth. The headless body living for days didn't disturb me but that factoid did

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    Basko
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Not like that, He loves everyone." "Sl*t!"

    Bananananananana
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh so he’s polyamorous then? I mean, I’m sure we can make it work..

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    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    WHAT? WHAT DOES HE LOVE ABOUT ME? I NEED SPECIFICS.

    Angersly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Jesus is a good guy, he saves by using double coupons amd shopping wisely.

    Mani
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Jesus actually meant Pasta, Mike's younger brother.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I feel like I am having a flashback to catholic HS days!! Too great!! Crazy teen years!!

    dab
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    that's funny, but maybe be lightening strike level

    Lucca Wenner
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    He said, "I love Mike soooo much, I will get him in with my old man, who has the best pieces of real estate for the after life!"

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    #29

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    bugposting Report

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why put it there if you don’t want people to tick it? I hardly think a baby’s going to fill in the list

    bill marsano
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No more than a baby is going to take itself to a hospital. It's on the list for a parent to check off.

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    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "There's no need for name calling. I'm already upset and need a nap!"

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I once checked pregnant or may be pregnant (male here) on the checkbox just to see if I could get a laugh from the nurse... No one laughed....

    Jodie daubenmire
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This was posted, pre COVID.. Now crying, sitting on the floor rocking, laying on the floor in the fetal position screaming...all normal.

    Jessi Lovely
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well joke’s on you, I AM a baby

    Joshua David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Through all them tears, you didn't read correctly and the nurse sounds like a sadist.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Must be the nurse to the doctor post earlier!!

    Norma Nelson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What does she think I am an adult who hates pain

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    #30

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    dril Report

    Thomas Bentley
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    yep, got nothing better to do, and using a machine gun would be fun, especially when everything falls apart from the recoil, except your hands.

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    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Another way to dodge the posthumous draft is to make an ash of yourself.

    Jan Dunn
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Seems a better option to me than lying there forever...

    UKGrandad
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When I was young I saw a gravestone that had the name and then 'Fell Asleep, 19tth June 1867' and I thought that was a cruel trick to play on anybody.

    Clearly sunny
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    How about 'leave me alone!'

    Pluto
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    “Rest in peace” - As pluto said to herself before death (yeah, no skeleton war thx)

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Does RIP count if it's a shared headstone and it's only on one side?

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Woo hoo Ash vs Army of the Dead! Lol

    elcee
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    what if it makes reference to being something like plucked or shucked like an ear of corn fully ripe or something like that thereabouts...?

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    #31

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ItsAndyRyan Report

    Paulo Freitas
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yup.... I may or may not have done a similar thing once....

    robin brannan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Can't be as bad as the time I whacked a stranger in the supermarket on the head with a frozen pie because from behind I thought it was my aunt. When she turned around all I had to say was oops as I hurriedly scurried away.

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    Hoody Hoo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Her own fault for not recognizing that all humans default to "wants ice cream."

    Daniel Mattock
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Who doesn’t want ice cream?! Even vegans and the lactose intolerant want ice cream, they just can’t have it

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    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Understandable. I'd just give you an ice cream while you hang out with my kids/grandkids.

    Alex Martin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was 18 and in downtown L.A. for a school project. It was my first time in the city without my parents. Some guys had a giant box of donuts and looking directly in my direction yelled, "Yo you want some donuts." I was like sure I want some donuts. He just looked at me like I was dumb and pointed at the homeless people behind me. I Charlie Brown good grief walked my butt right out of there. Its been 30 years and I'm still embarrassed.

    Brightly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Aww...now I want to give you a donut. He should have just walked over to give them donuts instead of randomly calling it out. Because duh, of course you would want a donut. Everyone wants them!

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    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh no! Well, it's her own fault! She didn't announce who was part of the invite! It's open season at the park!! Never cringe again unless you can read minds! Even if you can read minds, it's still her fault!!

    Illicit
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    She didn't specify, Demand the damn icecream!

    GadgetGirl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hubby did that at a church once. Sign out front advertising free spaghetti dinner. We were in the process of moving, and he was ahead at the new location with no food or electric yet. So he went in. The pastor said; " who are you? I don't remember seeing you at services." Hubby said he was just there for the free spaghetti. Sign changed the next day lol "free for members, $10 for non members"

    Giyuuu3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Did he get an ice cream tho?

    Casey Horn
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    seems reasonable as he wanted ice cream so he lined up

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    #32

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    OctopusCaveman Report

    Sam Juan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ngl, I might watch this.

    Some black giirrrrllll
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The turkey's vlog: so guys, **gobble gobble, don't forget to like and subscribe.

    Hphizzle
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Still better than Twilight.

    VeryDarkMatter
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It would be a movie without a happy ending

    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Now I want to find out...thank you sooooo much random 5 year old child

    Marek Čtrnáct
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Something in Andy Riley's "Great Lies to Tell Small Children" was like this.

    K W
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The questions never come when you expect them lol. Like that time my kid asked where humans came from and I was trying to explain something about matrilineal stuff and he thought I said mammoths so he thought humans came from girl mammoths. Anyway turkey life questions definitely stumping but trying to distil human evolution into something simple enough for a 4 year old to understand with zero prep was pretty impossible.

    Rosa_Bear
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Kid when the turkey goes to the slaughter house:

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    #33

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    aardvarsk Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is it just me or are birthday calls the worst. Like srsly I'm trying to enjoy and then my great aunt who I've never seen in my life calls like nooo i wanna eat cakeeeee

    My O My
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And great aunt will always update you on her hermorrhoids

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    Janet Howe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My mother called me every year on my birthday to sing Happy Birthday to me. Even into her 90s.

    Luna
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Happy (belated) (or early) birthday! I know I can never replace your mom but you are still loved!

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    Amberlie Mikelsen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The primary reason for a "crack of dawn birthday call" is cuz everyone wants to be the first one to wish you a Happy Birthday. This is the EXACT reason why my ringer is turned off until after I've had at least one cup of coffee and been wished by my SO.

    VeryDarkMatter
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have to do such a call tomorrow.. I know already it will be an awkward convo. And 2 days later she will call me (because then is my birthday) and it will be even more awkward

    Sredna
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I hatttteee birthday calls. As an introvert, having one day where everyone feels they need to call me/txt whatever. Is torture to me lol over the years I've gotten better at managing it by hiding my phone away and checking it later in the week xD works though

    Kenny Kulbiski
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yeah, it makes it hard to be in denial when cruel people keep reminding you.

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    #34

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    katie_phenix Report

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My childhood just came rushing back to me. I had totally forgot about that saying!

    Luna
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They would say „boys go to the Venus to get more genius and girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider“. My feminist little heart would get SO angry

    Emma Kilcup
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The version of Venus I heard was, "Girls go to Venus to get a p..." Nvrmnd, I won't finish it.

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    Skylar
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So at my school it's "Boys go to Venus to get a bigger p***s and girls so to China to get a bigger.... My school was weird

    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh my god... GET THE CROSSES EVERYONE THE APOCALYPSE HAS STARTED TAKE COVER AND HIDE IN YOUR HOMES!!!!! WE'VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS

    David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Remember in elementary school when you thought saying "more stupider" was a flex about your intelligence?

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    #35

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    _lildubois Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Who would have expected that, right?

    Philly Bob Squires
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    well, well, well... if it isn't the place we get our water from.

    aZZy_d3Lta
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, well, well *Starts rapping*

    Hestia
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No… not them…. NOT THEM!!!

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    say that every day to my conscience

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    #36

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    KevinFarzad Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My name is Wingless Dragonfly and we have never met. Understood?

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    what if i made that my profile and acted like a dragonfly like u and we could be friends (maybe joking;) )

    Load More Replies...
    Just a ray of f'ing sunshine
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I already have my name picked out - just waiting for the perfect time to escape!

    Hardik Sondarva
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If it make you happy then live your life.

    Florence O'Grady
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Who does that? Ten years and a new name? Who was running from whom?

    R Dennis
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I already have new names for myself, my wife, and our daughter. I told my daughter to NEVER TELL ANYONE the new names.

    Ale Fab
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    .. or maybe it's healthcare.

    Tommy Brown
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

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    #37

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    InternetHippo Report

    Monika
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ...a-and....a form....of childbirth...

    Illicit
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cesarean has nothing to do with caesar. It's no Caesarian, that there has never been proof that Caesar was even delivered via C-section. In roman times C-sections were mostly commonly done if the mother had died.

    Arthur Waite
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You're right - they should have called it "MacDuff".

    Load More Replies...
    Tamara
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A... and all the other Ceasers

    Trophy Husband
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The C-section was named after him, even though he was the baby in question and not the mother or the doctor. But the salad was actually named after a different person with the same lady name centuries later.

    Margaux Creuz
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yeah-- no. Cesarean was derived from the latin word caedare/caeseus/caesarean which meant" to cut." Meaning the term was already in play even before caesar was born. Would be funnier to make jokes about him dying from what his name meant lmao

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    poopyhead
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I just laughed-spat on the screen!

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    #38

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    AbbieEvansXO Report

    Daniel Mattock
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    “Maybe my date with that plate glass deliverer will go better”

    Kyle Broflovski
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Fellow fruit stander here. It's about time they stopped the car chases!

    Ozymandias73
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Tarantino in the background overhearing the conversation: "I'll give you a large sum of cash to make that happen"

    censorshipsucks
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My kids watching a movie: "Oh it's an american film, here's the car chase."

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    #39

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    skullmandible Report

    Freya the Wanderer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Calling certain people "clowns" is insulting to real clowns.

    John Barber
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Eric the clown. Bozo the Certified Public Accountant.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Who's this ghost? That suggests they aren't even around, really, anymore!!

    #40

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    sarahschauer Report

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When my dog barks, his bûtthole protrudes a little bit each time. As if he's barking out an ànal Morse code.

    Paul Brown
    Community Member
    1 year ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I did NOT need that image in my head!! 🤣

    Load More Replies...
    Shyla Bouche
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *proudly shows off her butt* What can I say? We cats have the best butts ever.

    Brightheart
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Cats showing you there butt is a sign of affection

    Peppy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Eww, it’s all right for you,you don’t have a head

    Load More Replies...
    Jen Hart
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Twinkle Tush" for cat butts https://images.app.goo.gl/RUWpeoPT4nVgccYTA

    Cindy Irvin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Weell, gotta say that cheered ME up pretty good...lol

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Thanks! I laughed and my cat turned around and walked away flicking her tail at me!!

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I dunno, one of my cats does this and it never fails to cheer me up. She has a really funny b******e. I can't help it.

    David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My cat just jumped up on my chest as I was reading this.

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    #41

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    TheCheish Report

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is my life now. I'm constantly getting called home to fix the computers, TVs, iPads, iPhones, Alexas, etc., all of which my mother told me would give me brain tumors if I kept using them. XD

    Donna Mann
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Me to my daughter: Would you show me how to do this on the computer? Her: Gawd mom, you're so old, you don't know anything about computers! Me: Ease up, remember, I taught You how to use a spoon!

    elcee
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    who's this. person with ALL these wells??

    Celtic Pirate Queen
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My younger brother has a master's degree in computer technology, but our Mother still calls me with problems instead because I don't talk down to her.

    censorshipsucks
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    in my case it is "Dad: can you loan me some money? Me: Well well if it isn't Mr why do you read so much"

    #42

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    megan_middle Report

    arcane_gamer (they/them)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    it's pretty good my dude, pretty good (short hair here)

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When you have hip-length hair, low ponytails are more reminiscent of John Adams' horse than they are John Adams.

    Hoody Hoo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I've been putting off a haircut and people keep asking me if the British are coming.

    SaneMinotaur (she/her)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or a Sumo wrestler. I'm very much in that category atm.

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Just own it, really...

    Pluto
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It’s comfortable. And a good way to keep hair out of your face (Long haired, currently wearing low ponytail lol)

    Ninette T
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I wonder what it's like to have a lonytail and not have it pulled by some male specimen

    Tamara
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ask janet jackson, she rocked that

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    #43

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    AndrewChamings Report

    Oktogal
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It’s not on the cephalopod news network, I checked.

    Load More Replies...
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    wait?... zara?

    Tamra
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes, she is strangely absent from this thread, isn't she? Hmmm. 🤔

    Load More Replies...
    Jodie daubenmire
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oops, you made me ink...- finding Nemo

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    #44

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    shutupmikeginn Report

    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They sued for trademark infringement.

    David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I get the joke but it is also probably literally true. A ready made shelter with a built in food supply (mice / rats) and usually zero predators.

    Iridian
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, because before then, they just had to keep grouping up in threes to get under coats. See higher entry.

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    #45

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    stfu_sabs Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    it really do be like that sometimes

    CallaghanLive
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    therapy costs 100 pounds but it only costs me nothing if i say it do be like that sometimes

    Load More Replies...
    theoneandonlynoira
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No let me fix that, we would say "add to cart"

    Jodie daubenmire
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm not allowed to say it is what it is...stupid therapist doesn't realize she is MY employee

    Hestia
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I put my thumb over the t-h-e of therapist, im scared now

    Jennifer Brekke
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Therapist: and what do we do when we feel sad? Me: click 'add to cart' Therapist: no

    Gwen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I prefer add to cart!

    Kim Steffen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "do be". Our educational system is failing us.

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    #46

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ayeeelyse Report

    Kyle Broflovski
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Farm fresh Honda Civic! May contain seeds.

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe it’ll get into a high speed chase and knock over all the fruit vendors!

    Imjust jim
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    At least you knew where it was, that's half the battle. Or so i've heard.

    John Barber
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why do they call them farmer's markets?. There are never any farmers there.

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Really? That’s a shame. At ours that’s almost all there are - farmers.

    Load More Replies...
    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is it for sale? And, how are they trying to advertise it? Organically grown? No pesticides? Better yet, is it electric?

    James016
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    At least a farmer didn't sell it

    Katy McMouse
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Old Macdonald had a car...

    Wednesday
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is that 5 Green Boxes in the background?

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    #47

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Horse_ebooks Report

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And all the damn time, too...

    Aroace tiger (she/they/he)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes. This should be at the top. So simple yet so true.

    Katrin Faridani
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Truly! I am so f-ing tired already!

    Kallen Kneeland
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or as the famous commercial artist Mary Engelbreit said: "Life is just so Daily!" Life-is-Ju...a4306f.jpg Life-is-Just-So-Daily-638e6caa4306f.jpg

    Emily Dryden
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    El Dee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yeah, and it doesn't stop..

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    #48

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    pleatedjeans Report

    Eli D
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Everyone knows opening a bag of chips quietly is louder than opening it normal

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I get it, I eat also when I get stressed! Can you pass me the bag? We can scream together later to work off the cals!

    Katie Lutesinger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Murderer: "GOT YOU! Now gimme those chips."

    Jesse Setliffe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    He can take my chips when he pries them from my cold, dead- oh wait

    Load More Replies...
    Mary Daniel
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    He's gonna hear you! Plus you're going to crunch

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    #49

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    CBD42O Report

    Margaret H
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And, for a final stop, you can go to Hell. Hell, Michigan, that is.

    B-flat
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or Hell, Norway if you want to explore Europe

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    Jade
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There is also Pee Pee Island off the coast of Newfoundland, Wee-ball island in the Bay Of Islands in Newfoundland, and Balls pond in the deep forest areas of Hughes Brook, Newfoundland. Us Newfoundlanders are all 9 year old boys at heart.

    Ashe Marlow
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think I was born on that last one

    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait wait I know these places I live in them every day!!!!!! 😮🙃🧐🤫👽😈

    Sara
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Addams family vacation bucket list.

    CarlWasHere/BubblesRKool
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My sister once showed me Disappointment island on Google Earth and said that's where our little brother was born :,)

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You forgot Boring, Oregon. XD

    B-flat
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This town is fittingly paired with Dull, Scotland

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    Sue Knerl
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There is also a Misery Nebraska.

    AnnaPanda
    Community Member
    2 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why would I travel to visit those, I have all this in my life every day 🫢

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    #50

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Shanehasabeard Report

    Paulo Freitas
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You kidding me??? Its the best part of the bread.

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    Thomas Ewing
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When I was a kid, we were so poor that the birds would throw us crumbs.

    Heather W
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I would tear the crust off and eat it first. I loved it, but it ruined the texture flow of the sandwich. Being the 4th child, my Mom said she was amazed by this, as my 3 sisters just tore off the crust and refused to eat it.

    Ozymandias73
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh hell...I didn't see that coming. LOL

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    #51

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Dustinkcouch Report

    Illicit
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'd watch this movie.

    Junior Farrell
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    I am pretty sure it is a game coming out soon or has come out.

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    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I want to play this game. 🤣

    Kelli Pike
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The Silent Sea. Korean horror/post apocalypse story, on Netflix. IMDb: : The Silent Sea https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11570202/

    Audra Sisler
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's not haunted! Aliens are there! 👽👽👽

    Jordi Sharpe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I've loved this tweet before, and my love for it is eternal. 🤣

    Angersly
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What's that gun gonna do? I still have questions!

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    #52

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    rad_milk Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    not too far from Elon's youngest... X AE A-XII

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    my brain turned inside out and did a flip when i saw the first sentence

    Juliette Deroulede
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh no... Please... I don't want to think like this.... BP STOP DOING THIS TO ME!!!!!!!

    Agent Spooky Man
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    According to the finance people at the end of season 7, this is true.

    Zaineb Bookwala
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I thought he would put E in the front and S at the back, and it's a file about all your Exs. So you always know why you should not go back to them.

    roepi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I thought it would be XSE-files.

    Su Smith
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm remembering the show in a new way now 🤭

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And raise your hand when you immediately went there!!

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    #53

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    DanMentos Report

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, if it pays the bills...

    D
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Dammit! Spit out my coffee

    Junior Farrell
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I hope the hand doesn't go where i think it goes...

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Too good! Creepy but totally excellent!!

    #54

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    gIitering Report

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Huh, with my friends if I ask for help studying, they just tell me good luck and walk away laughing

    Su Smith
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Anybody remember Phoebe teaching Joey French, or the guitar 😂😂

    jay <3
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    that was my ex and i in the flesh bro

    Jenny Barner
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    For all you nerds lmfao means laughing my f*****g a*s off

    Imjust jim
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Who wants to be a...celebrity show, David Duchovny calls Tea and after the question is read she says "Oh sorry honey, you are so screwed."

    #55

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    dianenotdiana Report

    My O My
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Actually gas was 1,65€ two days a go. Per liter though

    Will Cancel
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'll be honest, I too complain about high gas prices. But for my little plane.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We have a doc earlier in this article for you also!!

    #56

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    SpenceDen Report

    FrankieSaysRelax
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm not even on the lease here. I hide in the dryer when the landlord comes

    Show thyself
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    🤩 there's a dryer where you live! Luxury!

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    Junior Farrell
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have heard this one on a dad joke podcast on spotify

    Ann Dennis
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's OK, he's just sharing it with those of us who haven't.

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    Jodie daubenmire
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    All short term rental agreements..very very short.

    Jessi Lovely
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Confidently, but with a lot of breakdowns

    #57

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    youngandjoven Report

    Stardust she/her
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Will do so on my old blog (there’s barely anything in it and I made it when I was 12)

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wait, you have a blog?!! Ngl, not interested anymore

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    Patrick John Haskins
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nah, car horns were doing that before mobile phones existed.

    K W
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ironic since I just read this article yesterday.

    Barbara Kayton
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Senor Ding Dong will be so disappointed.

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Not without a sponsorship from Big Doorbell first.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That would be hilarious, must be at least 750 words!!

    Shelby Moonheart
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I dislike when people knock on my door when I have a working door bell.

    foofoofloofy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You can't have doorbells if you don't own a house.

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    #58

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    summer_sequence Report

    Paulo Freitas
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sandstone here, as hard as my will.....

    Honeybee
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Pearl, I am at the bottom of the ocean

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    Juliette Deroulede
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Topaz. But feels about like rock bottom cuz today's my b-day and fate's been giving me c**p all day. Family forgot, woke up sick and exhausted, had to organize the entire storage room at work which I've never done before and looked like a tornado and earthquake hit simultaneously, have errands after work which will get me home past 9 o'clock, oven broke so I can't make myself a cake, family's broke so I'm not getting any presents, I have college homework overdue and will have to work till two in the morning again before getting up early for work and to top it all off, I'm still single as a pringle after getting my heart broken just this summer, only 20 and I'm sick and tired of living. Anyway, sorry for the rant, Imma go now before I get hit with a bus or something... Also why is BP censoring c**p?? 😐😑

    Tamra
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    A very happy birthday to you, Juliette! May your troubles pass and happier days await. 😊

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    Katie Lutesinger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Garnet. Crimson to an embarrassing degree and not worth much.

    Obvious Decoy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Gravel, grey ordinary gravel... On the upside it's fantastic at managing water runoff.

    mochi-cat
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    my birthday's on national failure's day.

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    #59

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    CarelWillemse Report

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This one actually made me laugh out loud. Which is probably a shout-out to the current state of my mental health.

    Kye
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There’s a few of us that laughed out loud to this one. Stay in there!

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    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why do I feel like me or my friends would do this

    #60

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    _austinsawyer Report

    Monosyllabic girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Omg. That was the only good thing about 7 am classes! Didn't have to follow people around parking lot to see if they were leaving

    #61

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ch000ch Report

    JB
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "yeah she dropped me off, she loves me and so on, but b*tch you sad cause you ain't got no one!"

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So it was grandma’s spaghetti this entire time! (Eminem will get it)

    Hestia
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The secret ending of fnf

    See Also on Bored Panda
    #62

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    i333yh Report

    SnapStingray687
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    As a certified male friend, I can assure you that this is true.

    a_smol_berry
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I’ve got to get my certificates for them done where/how did you get yours done?

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    NaMiMoore
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Having male best friends definitely does prepare you for raising a son lol. I can confirm.

    Alli VanHuysen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yesssss! And then it gets really awkward when you decide you like said guy best friend...

    Kelli Pike
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And twice as bad when you marry him.

    Lucca Wenner
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Luckily my guy bff is quite awesome. We baby each other when together. Hehehehe....

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    #63

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    michael_aas Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My neighbors build custom cars for the fun of it, real rich kid stuff, they also put anime stickers on it :P

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My 2001 Volkswagen Eurovan is covered in stickers and decals. It and I are one: old, half broken-down trash. I love my car.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Tattoos are for advertizing...your first to last love, you love your mom, the turtle was really cute, a red rose where the sun don't shine, the snake really did curl around your arm, three tears under the right eye are for the years you did in prison, under the left: how many peeps you killed at Easter...I love looking at them. Oh. And don't forget l-o-v-e on the knuckles, cuz you get to explain that one in the end. They express our feelings when you don't go to that doc earlier in this article!

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was behind an old beater the other day that had clearly been rear ended and the trunk was slightly crushed upward so that it doesn't close. The woman put a decal on her rear bumper saying "Yes, I know the trunk is open :)"

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wow, a Corolla? Fancy... I'd say I'm a Civic, but my Focus need for Focus

    Heather Palmer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My body is an empty canvas that must be painted

    #64

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    cvbiclesdemo Report

    Emma Kilcup
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I missed the "I regret" part at first and was very confused at your remark🤣

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    Rob Tobi
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Omg this made me laugh so hard ahhh thanks I needed that

    Stephanie Did It
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Looks like she was chasing a parked car!

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    Alli VanHuysen
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Did this to my brother the other day... lmao

    Joshua David
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I love it this picture. It'll be a good story to tell him when you're cuddling.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Looks like he/she has a wig on! But, very cute!

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why does it kinda remind me of the dog thingy from Never Ending Story?

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    #65

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    mtobey Report

    Penny Tent (she/her)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Imagine instead if it was pronounced Gee-off :) that would be a world I’d like to see

    Red Panda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That’s how I thought you pronounce my uncles name when I was 6…

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    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I once had to explain to my 4 y.o. nephew that some people spell Geoff incorrectly and he would see a lot of losers out there that just don't know to spell his name! He would just have to sigh and spell it for them! 20 years later, he still sighs first!

    boone williams
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Geoff Weiss, kid in jr. High leaned into it and proudly went by the nickname "Goof"

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    #66

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    keelyflaherty Report

    Janie Mack
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's an arrested development reference. The narrator is Ron Howard.

    Malekith Dovahkiin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have no friends. So things are indeed not good :(

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I want to stay for the rest of this show!! Who's doing the narration? Can you use Morgan Freeman? Everything sounds like it's going to be okay when he narrates! It makes the sad stuff less terrifying!!

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    #67

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ristolable Report

    *Displayname*=idk
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have a whole closet of clothes. Here is the thing though, I have favorites. I wear one for every day of the week. Less laundry, comfortable, easy!

    SykesDaMan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Bill Burr's sketch on the 5 shirts comes to mind! :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkK0MYD-HcI

    Norma Nelson
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    And not much money cause he's spending it all on you

    #68

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    annacatkopsky Report

    Javel!
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    Load More Replies...
    Lytha Hawkeye
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I mean it still works if you call him daddy in the bedroom 😉

    Tom G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Start calling him daddy seems perfectly fine... 😆

    Aaron Proctor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ... um, I'm a guy, so... Probably start by assuring him I did NOT look inside before buying it lol

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Woops! Depends on what happens when he gets to the announcement! You'll know where he stands on kids! That's one way to weed out the ni kiss men, no matter how handsome!

    Brian Gibbens
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My wife did something like that. She bought my son a shirt that said "Cool Big Brother" but she just thought it said cool. I walked in immediately and was like "Are you trying to tell me something?"

    Joshua David
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm so glad I chose to be kid free (still feel young at 44) and I would've died if this happened to me. Can we do this another way please?

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    #69

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    EricThomas_311 Report

    Philly Bob Squires
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm usually too busy putting up all of my Shark Week decorations to go to the shore.

    Jake B
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Except Landshark. He is never on shark week as he was ostracized back in the ‘70’s after the SNL gig. If he knocks, be sure and invite him in for cookies and milk.

    Jen Hart
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "Candygram, my foot! Get out of here before I call the proper authorities. You’re the shark, and you know it." 🦈

    Load More Replies...
    Ann Dennis
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    But be careful. The ones that didn't make the cut are are in a baaad mood.

    #70

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    TVsCarlKinsella Report

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What is everyone’s house? I’m Slytherin

    Monika
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hufflepuff is miscellaneous? More like high.

    JD Cass
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I mean, it's in the name, and they're the plant people...

    Load More Replies...
    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I mean, they're not wrong...

    Abbigail
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I’m miscellaneous lol (Hufflepuff)

    Rider
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Gryffindor, but only because I said not Slytherin.

    Erdot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    And the ones that don't know how to use a Hogwarts comma.

    Anonymous Panda She/Her/Hers
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Depending on the test I get either Ravenclaw or Slytherin.

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    See Also on Bored Panda
    #72

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    whalefern Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The fourth one said "Cause we're terrified of what's around the corner" right? RIGHT??

    Do-nut touch da donut
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The fourth one says nothing cause the kids screamed and were eatin by the beast 🙃

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    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Go find the closeted chip eater. They will save you from the murderer.

    Chickens are fluffy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHHHH!

    TeenPanda
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We all scream constantly because everyday is a new nightmare on this hellworld called earth

    Geoffrey Scott
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    "The police show up...it's awkward"

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yikes! I would not be able to eat ice cream out of those bowls! EVER!

    Norma Nelson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No its We all scream for ice cream

    #73

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    katiedippold Report

    Clarf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It was Halloween. You were dressed appropriately. Every one else was not.

    Cindy Irvin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You need to find a better party.

    Auntriarch
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My friends would expect no less

    ️️Upvote faery️
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hey I'd be dressing up as something scary too, no shame!

    #74

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    jonnysun Report

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Same! My neighbors had a birthday party for their kid, who was turning 4. They had a bouncy castle. I got into said bouncy castle immediately. I'm 40. The kids loved me. I was their bestie for the rest of the day. XD 10/10 will go into any bouncy castle I get the opportunity to go into.

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    #75

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ihatealmonds Report

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Love the cat! Is this the one that gets upset and shows his b******e?

    Artsy Bookworm
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ah I love that book. It's one of my favourites. And a rare one where the movie is also good

    #76

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    bobvulfov Report

    Lizzy Abbey (she/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    i don't....get it. I like star wars but I think I missed the death star one so I don't understand this one

    Kimberleia
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The death star is the ship that Vader is on that gets blown up at the end of episode IV A New Hope. The joke is that the building inspector comes, so Vader calls it the health star instead of the death star. It's not a very funny joke, so it's ok that you don't understand it. You didn't deserve that downvote

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    #77

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    anesuishec Report

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yes! I HATE making two trips XD I will hold a bag in my teeth if I have to.

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    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Whatever shoes are by the door no matter whose they are…those are the shoes you’re wearing outside.

    Norma Nelson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Yummy food will eat some before it gets in the door

    #78

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    chelseaanet Report

    Monika
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The Facebook is the scary part.

    GadgetGirl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Could have been the Important Dying Bird...

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    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I love Facebook in there! Love it! I guess now is a good time to add Twitter to that browsing history!!

    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That should also give you the whole seat on the bus

    theoneandonlynoira
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    1:00 PM WHY DID I WAKE UP IN JAIL- Google Search www.google.com

    #79

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    InternetHippo Report

    Aqualia
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm glad Bill wasn't instead a Bartholomew or something

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    #80

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    zhaovan8 Report

    #81

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    hodgesboi15 Report

    Deborah Harris2
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'm sure that could be arranged ...

    kf
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Eesh DH2, mebe throw in a mwahaha or two? At least a JKAM? (Just Kidding About Murder) Yikesville.

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    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sad to be ghosted by ghosts.

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You can go to the McRamey Manor forHalloween only for the price of a bag of dog food. However, you have to sign a 40page liability waiver so they can’t be sued if you can’t last the ten hours in their torture chamber. Nobody has lasted or won the $20,000

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    At least have a heart attack! But, make sure it's good enough to impress the doc in the ED!

    See Also on Bored Panda
    #84

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    jnalv Report

    Paulo Freitas
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This just reminded me of an extremely popular old song ( early 2000s ) beautiful song, basicaly a poem to city living ( Pedro Abrunhosa " momento " ) a trully Fantastic song, and then Galp made a publicity using that song, and made it 1000 better lmao.

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It took way to long to realise this wasn't a Pan!c reference......

    #85

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    bobvulfov Report

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I saw a post about a doc higher up. You might want to check the doc or the nurse for that doc higher up^^! I am sure they will get you back in track. Plus, now in the US, you can dial 988 from any phone and get to someone to talk to! Just saying!!

    #86

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    Keefler_Elf Report

    Pete Deegan
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you look at the nozzle, you'll see a smaller hole above where the gas comes out. This provides a constant stream of air while putting in gas. When the tank is full, the gas blocks the hole, cutting off the air and it signals the pump to cut off.

    Christie Amador Egendoerfer
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I looked at the comments to try and find a correct answer and now I'm still not sure 😅

    CogTower
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    For anyone wondering... https://youtu.be/fT2KhJ8W-Kg

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wrong. There’s a little dude in the gas tank that yells “stop!” to another little dude in the pump, duh.

    Load More Replies...
    Patrick John Haskins
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    They install a microchip like the one in Covid vaccines.

    View more comments
    #87

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    boring_as_heck Report

    Legendbird
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Maybe you should cancel your hot air balloon ride for this afternoon.

    Ale Fab
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Twist: you're getting the tarot reading on a hot air balloon!

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Only if you live in New Mexico and it's around October, but that's only after everything else you have has been stolen by the security guards at the hotel you are staying at before hand!! Yep, typical day in Albuquerque, we got this!!

    Basko
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This surprise might shock you

    Kyle Broflovski
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No, it's not good, and I agree with Legendbird.

    #88

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    electrolemon Report

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I have found my new life goal. I shall try this with the dvd cabinet at my friends house.

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This reminds me of the lady that slowly replaced family photos with crayon drawings at her parent's house and it took them like, 2 years to notice.

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You could say it hasn't "clicked" yet that you pranked them.

    Hoody Hoo
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's dedication, spending 30 whole dollars on a prank!

    Kimberleia
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Which Walmart $5 bin did OP steal these from??

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Did anyone tag Kate Beckinsale in this? She is a huge prankster, this is right up her alley.

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    #89

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    maetheactivist Report

    Illicit
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Catfish have no thumbs.

    Ashe Marlow
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That's what the little whiskers are for

    Load More Replies...
    mark glass
    Community Member
    Premium
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    More insulting to write "this is me looking the best I ever hoped for".

    Jodie daubenmire
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My picture would be, sorry..this one was taken after the accident.

    Adam Denter
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    catfish in this context is someone who sends a picture of random person claiming to be them.

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    #90

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    DanMentos Report

    Kyle Broflovski
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    At least the fire in the cockpit can't travel to your lungs, right...?

    BatPhace
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The fire maybe not, but the smoke from the fire will kill you faster than vaping so.... Also the fall after the controls melt and the plane crashes... I'd prefer a vaping pilot 😂😂

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    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    LOL!intercoms? And then: Did anyone bring stuff for smores over the intercomm?

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Aww man don’t go knocking on vaping!….sigh. I love vaping my “unicorn dreams “ flavor and “pixie tears” flavor. Check them out at www.thelocalvapory.com. Much love to my cholas in Las Cruces New Mexico!!! Woooo hoooo! Oh and they will still mail vape juice to you in the mail!!

    #91

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    rachelle_mandik Report

    theonlyessence
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    , upon which sat a tiny porcelain dove, which seemed oddly out of place given the theme….

    Michael Beliveau
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So the doctor says, " If that's my thermometer, then where the hell's my pen?!"

    PVR
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    however, if you were to

    Smalls37167
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My husband does this all.the.time. I have to remind him to go back to the beginning and loop me in!

    See Also on Bored Panda
    #92

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    jwoodham Report

    Basko
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I've got her on second down and yes, we were both panting

    M O'Connell
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You should have held off and sent her in for two ;)

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    Peter Trudell Jr
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    can't be football, no one wraps up to tackle anymore.

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hold it bro!!’ *whistle blows*. Line of scrimmage sir! Back down!

    Paulo Freitas
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited)

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    No it is not, you tackle someone in football, and you get a red card.

    #93

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    ihythreat Report

    ZeroCapacity
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You people have friends? Wtf?

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nah. My sister is the one who does this to me (with texts of "hello???" or just "????" if I don't answer within seconds). She is definitely not my friend. XD

    Load More Replies...
    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ha, I'm the person who will spam my friends with the same message until they finally reply to it

    Aroace tiger (she/they/he)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Omg mood. I care about my friends too much to resist the urge to text them 1000 times

    Golden Godess
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Ha double text. I be a certified triple texter on a regular day.

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You guys see the length of my comments. Now picture me as a texter.

    #94

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    aprilcities Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Wow!! I'm so proud of and happy for u 🥰⭐

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What!?! Now now now, we can't just say we are proud! We gotta throw a party!

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *clapping wildly *. Dedication speech!

    Xavier_M_P
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    To all those people who said I couldn't make it... You were right.

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Abd your patron Saint is Jude!! Yeah, been there! Bought the shirt, wanna try it on?

    #96

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    KimmyMonte Report

    stardrop loves you
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    What (pls dont get mad at me i dont think I'm dumb but they say apartment more than flat here where i live in the US but maybe im just stupid)

    Monosyllabic girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It's always ok to ask. Ik on this site there are morons who downvote genuine questions but don't let it deter you from asking for clarification! It's a play on words because in England they call apartments "flats".

    Load More Replies...
    Kristen Morano
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The joke is that the US says flat earth and calls a place to live with multiple dwellings "apartments". In the UK, they call apartments "flats". So it's switching it up..

    Jessi Lovely
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Flat is British, no one says apartment

    Tracey Parr
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think we would stick with all the worlds a stage 😂

    Catherine Monelle
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We don't have flat earthers in Britain. We have proper schools.

    C.M.
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    You are all completely missing the joke.

    Chez2202
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    90% of people in the UK say flat. It’s only the posh ones or people with expensive flats who call them apartments.

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    #97

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    tastefactory Report

    Looks like an Angel
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hahahahahahahaha, my Boyfriend has a skull with bat wings tattoo on his hand.

    #98

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    stevententacion Report

    Vix Spiderthrust
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Edgar Allan Poe. Kim Newman wrote a short story about how the imposter Edgar Allen Poe was stalking the author.

    Damon
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    So just be clear, implying that someone is dumb enough be repeat something they learnt from idiots on the internet was never meant to be insulting?

    Load More Replies...
    Fuzzies
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    This is a reference to Edgar Allen Poes poem The Raven btw :)

    #99

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    LeBearGirdle Report

    Jordi Sharpe
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    🤣 This is exactly my sense of humor. This should be waaaaaaaay higher. It is perfect random humor.

    GadgetGirl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    *Dentist, bursting out of the exam room* I AM THE COLLECTOR!!

    Aroace tiger (she/they/he)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    (Tries to chant but can't because I'm giggling too much)

    Some black giirrrrllll
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    (starts an epic dance battle) TEETH TEETH TEETH

    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Dentist comes in 'THE ALL HOLY ONE AS ARRIVED"

    Robert Trebor
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I'd give this more if I could. What a visual!

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    #100

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    eerrriiicaa Report

    Headless Roach
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Disagree. Burning hell espresso or ristretto only.

    Screen_Addict
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    When i say iced, i mean liquid nitrogen from the pits of the antarctic

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    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Whenever someone mentions burnt risotto I think of Gordon Ramsey yelling: “You idiot!”

    #101

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    BAKKOOONN Report

    Anaïs Grobin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    List of things my kid has flushed down the toilet: 1.) A medium sized stuffed zebra 2.) Lip balm 3.) Underwear 4.) Plastic coins 5.) A comb 6.) A toilet paper tube 7.) A cat toy shaped like a mouse 8.) Plastic wrappers 9.) One of my shirts 10.) And this one caused the worst plumbing problem I've ever seen, 6 individual bathroom cups at the same time

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    ODG! No tiktok videos!? It didn't happen unless it's been posted on every freaking site!!

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    See Also on Bored Panda
    #102

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    AdulteRus Report

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Me whenever I justify drinking too much diet soda: water is the first ingredient!

    #103

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    dril Report

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    It’s your food, start eating the free dirt I found outside

    Rosa_Bear
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Unfortunately eating human beings is very much frowned upon nowadays

    Load More Replies...
    digitalin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Where is this dude finding $800 rent?

    GDbolt
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am srsly hoping they mixed up candles and rent. Cuz where can you rent for a family with only $800? Also I am gonna assume they are a shaman, cuz that will help explaining the candles. And may or may not be tax-deductible.

    Audra Sisler
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No no no!! All wrong!! Rent should be like $100! Only ONCE!! Buy a tent! Problem solved. You're welcome 🤓

    Anaïs Grobin
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    The joke is funny, but I can't get past the random numbers. In my area, Food=$800, Utilities=250, Rent=1800 for 2br, $1200 for 1br. Candles=idk like 20 bucks each maybe?

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Buy candles that smell like apple pie. Food check✅ Buy large candles for light and heat. Utilities ✅ Now you have an extra $350/month

    Nartilaus
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If ur family is dying ur gonna need candles

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    #104

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    kkunta__ Report

    Josiane Roy
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I was always told to drink it flat. Stir it until it no longer produces bubbles and then it's just an electrolyte solution. Pro tip: when grave rush and barfing, frozen strawberries help lower your temperature and taste the same coming back up. Helps a lot. My husband thought I was crazy until he tried it. Reduces that nasty acidic taste the often triggers more waves of barfing.

    Cassi Lyris
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Always thought it was to help you barf. Certainly worked when I was a kid..

    Jen Hart
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think it's something to do with sugar vs ginger. Ginger is known to help with upset stomach, and too much sugar can make your stomach feel worse. Ginger ales don't have much ginger compared to sugar. A better option is unsweetened ginger tea.

    Andy Frobig
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Calling the American Medical Association a liar

    #105

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    RezekJoe Report

    Linda's friend Ginger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    In case no one gets it, he's taking about the lyric in "Seasons of Love" from Rent the musical.

    Chez2202
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Thanks. Never seen it, didn’t get it, just stopped trying to work out the answer in my head. You saved me about 6 hours. Or 360 minutes.

    Load More Replies...
    Libstak
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Is the answer something different if you're gay?

    Zane Denny
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you don't get the reference, then you are probably straight.

    Load More Replies...
    Valerie Hansen-Sinfield
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Im a theatre kid... my daughter asked my hubby that once (he of course had no idea) I was like- yes! this is FINALLY my moment.... I also use the same number for "mom, how long till dinner?"

    C Cat
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred

    JD Cass
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Fate has set the stage for you, now sing!

    Michael Largey
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Calendar-wise, yes. Real world, no. it takes about 365.24 days for a full orbit of the sun. That's about 525,945.6 minutes. (The calendar uses Leap Year rules to adject for this.)

    Ann M Clinkscales
    Community Member
    3 years ago (edited) Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Nice! I bet you never thought that would be a "why is the sky blue?" Question!! Maybe you just start off with why the sky is blue and he forgets what he originally asked and you're off the hook until he asks again...525,600 minutes! See it's that easy!

    BG
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Gay dad. Four-year-old-out-of-nowhere. Talk about burying the lede!

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    #106

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    KevinFarzad Report

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    So yesterday I was clicking boxes on Indeed bragging about my organizational skills, professional demeanor, and ability to work independently and as part of a team. Today I've done nothing but fūck about with some wisecracking pandas and now it's noon and the shower is like, "Skank, I can't drag you in here myself, les'gooooo!" But I'm motivated af.

    #107

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    KDTrey5 Report

    Barry Patterson
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    They actually have been, they just go at night.

    Michael Largey
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    We've never met you, Kevin Durant, but we have a pretty good idea what's goin' on.

    #108

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    meganamram Report

    Autistic apricot
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I always knew I should of made the glasses windscreen wipers then. Darn it

    Jodie daubenmire
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Dang it, I didn't register on GoDaddy

    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    'Deep inhale' YEEEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSS

    #109

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    mdob11 Report

    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    on the body!!! :D

    Michael Largey
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    No, let's do the Wave in synch with the coffin coming down the aisle.

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Or a cheerleading pyramid.

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Queue in: Drowning Pool “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor”. 🎶🎵

    Sylvia Dunaway
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    'Me pokes random old person' you're next

    #110

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    justinbieber Report

    Linda's friend Ginger
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Reminds me of Coffee Talk with Linda Richman. "I'm getting verklempt! Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic, Rhode Island is neither a road nor and island....Discuss!"

    Matt H
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I grew up there..weird place. The original full name, up until very recently was rhode island and the providence plantations..anyways the original island that newport is on (yes THAT newport, with the kennedys and the festival) is now called aquidneck island. A dutch explorer named it roodt eylandt "red island" for the color of the clay. More fun facts..roger williams, the founder, was the original new england badass. He got kicked out of puritan Massachusetts colony for being wayyy too progressive for his time. He was friendly with the natives and traded with them as equals.

    Jen Hart
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Could be a rowed island 🤔

    Thee8thsense
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Similarly, woodchuck, neither wood nor chuck...discuss..

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Hhmm. Same with Massachusetts. Neither a mass, or a chusetts. Weird.

    Christof Irran
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    That jokes been rhode hard and put away wet.

    boone williams
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If QuikTrip is open 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? (Yes, I know the answer to that one)

    boone williams
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why does shipment go by car and cargo go by ship?

    boone williams
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

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    #111

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    notn1co Report

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Well, it depends on the taste i suppose. I'm fruity and I watch a LOT of musicals.

    William Bennett
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    My ex was like this he drove me crazy with his crazy movies. And 99% of them will Hallmark movies. My rule was I had to read what the movie was about before I watched it. But to be fair I did make him watch anime at times. But only watching episode or two at a time I'm don't binge them for 9 10 hours

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Oh I’m so sorry for you. Every Hallmark movie: big city white single girl goes to small town and finds love with handsome man who happens to be single but never finds love with ALL the eligible people in town. Girl realizes she loves small town better than said big city and moves there. The End. Oh and never ever any gay couples of course per Candace Cameron Bure. Add holiday lights for Christmas movies but same plot.

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    See Also on Bored Panda
    #112

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    britneyspears Report

    Paulo Freitas
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment is hidden. Click here to view.

    Right, i know this out of context, bit judging solly by this tweet, i don't think this woman os " fiering of all cylinders "....

    Lakota Wolf
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Judging by your grammar and spelling, neither are you ;p

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    #113

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    DrakeGatsby Report

    Monosyllabic girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    There are more than 17 days between holidays. When else would you subject yourself to those green instruments of torture?!

    Angie Chiyoko ( She/they)
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Then what are vegetarians then? Are they just livin?

    #115

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    electrolemon Report

    Marie Dahme
    Community Member
    2 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    If you just learned “the government is bad” ; coffee isn’t gonna wake you up because you drank the Kool aid.

    #116

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    cher Report

    Cara G
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    She's being heavily sarcastic. The blue background/white egg shape is the default Twitter profile pic and often indicates troll or bot accounts. She's fake apologizing to a fake Twitter. As if mf-ing CHER cares what some rando thinks, bye.

    Betta Fish
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I am so confused but this is the reason my brain is still alive

    Monosyllabic girl
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    I think the person's profile pic who she was apologizing to was light blue with an egg shape

    #117

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    edballs Report

    Jen Hart
    Community Member
    3 years ago Created by potrace 1.15, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2017

    Sell dab, bad sell, lab sled, sad bell, all beds, las bled.

    Brooke Howard
    Community Member
    3 years ago

    This comment has been deleted.

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    #119

    Funniest Tweets Of All Time

    luxmberg Report