Are you tired of feeling drained when you spend time with your friends? Do you constantly make excuses for their behavior or wonder if it’s normal to feel so bad when you’re around them? If you recognize yourself in these words, it’s time to put on your detective hat and pay more attention to the red flags waving right in front of your face.
Why? Because we recently found an AskReddit thread, and describing it as “eye-opening” would be an understatement. People shared clear ideas on what they feel are friendship red flags, and we collected them here on Bored Panda for the joy of your mental health. We’ve compiled a list of the most common warning signs in friendship shared by the Internet community so you can finally stop settling for less and start surrounding yourself with people who truly deserve your time and energy. Consider this your ultimate guide on how to recognize bad friends.
Keep in mind your friends’ unhealthy behaviors may not be so obvious — often, they’re subtle and insidious. They drain your energy, make you question your worth, and even affect your mental and physical health. It’s important you’re able to recognize the signs of a toxic friendship so that you can take steps to remove yourself from that situation.
So grab a notebook and a pen because you’re about to learn how to spot a bad friend from a mile away. We’ll be covering red flags in friendship, such as friends being dismissive of your interests, those who only reach out when they need something, and those who seem unable to say sorry when they’re supposed to. And remember, just because someone is a bad friend, it doesn’t mean they’re a terrible person. We’re all human and make mistakes, but you deserve to know when it’s time to walk away for the sake of your own well-being. Ready to start waving goodbye to toxic friendships? Let’s dive in!
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"Friends that always say "I miss you." But when you try and plan something with them they never actually seem to want to."
"“Good vibes only” friends. That mentality is fine to have with yourself. But you can’t force that on others.
My best friend adopted this attitude and from then on, whenever I would come to her for support or advice on an issue I was having, she’d cut me off and say, “Ah ah ah! Good vibes only, remember?” Because I was bringing her down.
I put up with it for a long time because I thought she was right, that I was burdening her. But then I finally realized that that’s not how real friends act. They’re supposed to support and help each other."
Real friends support each other. They're not therapists but they're there for you when you're feeling good or bad.
"When you realize that you are more yourself when they're not around."
"That you are the ONLY person who initiates anything, or even worse, that you have to invite yourself to gatherings and activities...
Never settle for being treated as less than any other people in people’s lives. It’s not fair to you and you deserve better."
"A friend of mine has been making fun of me for years. Just made fun of me whenever I did/said anything, even if I was serious. Didn't realize how much it's affected my self esteem until I actually got really angry at her (for something else) and no longer considered her a friend.
Also, she's mentally unstable. Now that's okay, and as her friends we want to help her with that, but she's not giving us a chance to do so. She just flips her sh*t and expects everyone to adapt to her.
The real problem is that she hasn't changed. The same stuff been happening for years and she's apparently not trying to work on herself in that regard, still expecting us to just accept whatever bs she throws at us."
Being mentally unstable is challenging and exhausting but making lives of those around you miserable is not okay! I have a friend who happens to have ocd and other mental issues but they refuse to get help even though it is affordable in my country. They keep disregarding others' efforts and make life difficult for everyone around and still expect to be treated with high regard. It is truly exhausting
"My “best friend” in high school once specifically requested for me to post a picture of us for National Best Friend Day, or some similar holiday. I asked if she’d be posting a picture of us too.
“No, I have a lot of best friends. But I’m your main best friend so you should post a picture of us.” Was her response.
The next couple years were full of back stabbing & gas lighting, complete with occasional fallings out until we finally stopped speaking. Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see it coming."
"Someone who listens to gossip about you and doesn't shut it down."
No, this One is not valid, i had a friend that i meet in 6th grade, we grown up friends eventually we kind of Lost track, every só Often we would bump with eachother, but then One mutual acointance told me that my frien was using heroin, and i though " hell na lol, no way he's using " then another person ( One of his coworkers that happened to be a friend of a friend ) also told me that he was using, a wille later my father says that my friend was fired ( my father worked near his job ) because apparently they Saw him using drugs. Im sum he was indeed using drugs, dude was a really really sweet guy, but then life screwed him Over, he Lost his house, his wife and kid, all because of his sister and brother in law. Sometimes what seems to be just Gossip might actually be real...
thedialupgamer wrote:
"When you hang out with them it feels like you're defusing a bomb when theres nothing going on right then."
Commenter No. 2 replied:
"I had to let go of my “best friend” because of this. With my real friends I could always just respond to a text message with the first thing I thought of. With this girl I felt like I had to carefully consider what I was saying and then reword it several times before I could hit send because I didn’t want to be dismissed or berated in any way. That’s not friendship."
Oh yes, that's so true. There might be difficult situations where it's reasonable to have to think about what you're saying to them, like after a tragedy, but if, as stated here, nothing is going on but still you have to consider every word because they go off on the slightest perceived slight, that's not friendship. In a proper friendship we all would give a friend the benefit of the doubt if something sounds off and ask them for clarification if really neccessary. But no one would behave in a way that forces the other to constantly adjust to one person's moods.
"When they ditch you the moment they start dating someone."
I know what you mean but sometimes it's can also be due to a controlling partner I guess...which isn't a good thing either.
"Someone that doesn't tell you when you've upset them. They rather ignore you until they feel better and nothing gets resolved."
"If you meet someone and they rub you the wrong way, it's not you, it's them. Your first, gut instinct about a person is usually right and most people seem to brush that off."
This is not true. You should always ask yourself where this comes from. It's always good to consider your gut feelings and not just dismiss them. When something feels off, there's something. But it's not always them. So ponder carefully. Be cautious, but don't just attribute this on them. One can be cautious without offending people and reasonable people will not get offended when you are careful. In my experience it's 50/50 that it's the other person or you yourself.
"I’ve got a friend who loves to talk about himself, everything is always about him.
So, when I’m out with my friends and he’s in our group we created a game where you have to drink every time he starts a conversation about himself. It’s made it a lot more tolerable."
I've experienced this and gosh it's annoying. Always got to one up are really annoying too.
"Personally I’ve always had bad experiences with people who say everyone is their “best friend.” When my best friend in high school started calling 10 different people including me her best friend, that was when I knew I was just an accessory, and she was trying to surround herself with people to love her."
Best friend is a really special honor to bestow in my opinion. I've had different ones over the years, I've never been lucky enough to have one best friend from childhood, everyone you know grows apart over time.
"Inability or unwillingness to apologize when he or she does something wrong. It’s symptomatic of an ego issue that will eventually infect every aspect of your friendship."
"Friends that aren't happy for your success and happiness, but are very close when you're sad."
"If you think about them when you read this post."
"Friends who are “honest”. It’s good to have a friend who can be upfront with you, but beware of the friends who are only honest when it’s about something negative. People will say whatever they need to in order to be malicious and let it have a pass.
My advice to those of you with “honest” friends? Don’t let yourself be vulnerable around those kinds of people. They’ll most likely be spreading their honesty about you to others."
"Being dismissive of all your interests and achievements. Meanwhile everything they do, no matter how mundane, is amazing."
"They call you only when they need you."
Oh boy do I know this one from my teen years....Denny you young idiot. Lol
"Friends who constantly call you for advice but, never take it and continue to involve you in their drama. If you're not going to make moves to improve your situation stop asking me for help."
"You’ll gladly do a favor for them or help them out, but when you need something, they won’t do it, and act like you’re ridiculous for asking. also- when friends don’t respect boundaries."
I have probably four friends I'd leave home at 2am if they called because they need help and that's because I know it'll be returned if it were vice versa.
"When you tell them how their actions make you feel, and they state that’s not how you should feel."
"When people expect you to always make time for them when they want you to but never go out of their way to make time for you or hang out with you."
"You see you got a private message from them and your gut reaction is to start getting nervous or anxious.
'What is it this time...'"
"When they push other people out of the friend group. It happened in my group where there were 5 of us, she joined and basically bullied 3 out of the group. But it wasn’t obvious bullying. A lot of things change, next thing I know I’m being treated like shit to the point I hate myself. Me and my friend managed to leave and make friends with the original 5 again. The one that kicked everyone out is very social and no one rly likes her bc she’s not nice but she’s now found herself with no friends."
"They never say anything supportive of you. But they will point of your flaws, and can't wait to burn you, because its funny, to them. And then the follow up of "you're too sensitive" "It's just joking"."
"Friends who are good to you when one on one but constantly put you down In group settings. This is a big sign of insecurity/jealousy. Other signs: inappropriate attention seeking behaviors, trying to twist the situation on you when confronted about things, not respecting your boundaries, is super friendly with new people but in a disingenuous “I wanna be liked the most” way, constant gaslighting, getting mad at you for not going by the exact same moral playbook as them, when in group settings they get really uncomfortable and try to change the subject or put you down extra if attention is on you, acting they like can take constructive feedback but actually taking it out on you in small ways throughout the rest of the day."
"This is subtle and a bit counterintuitive but beware of the rescuer-martyr. The person that’s always rushing out to help and give everyone else their all whether or not it’s needed or whether the recipient is comfortable with it. They are good people, very well intentioned and saintly in their generosity with their time and energy. However, sometimes it goes to the extreme and then it’s more a symptom of a toxic cycle where they only get meaning and self-worth when they are saving someone; or maybe they keep swooping into other people’s lives to fix things in hopes that someone will do the same for them.
They may have good intentions but they tend not to have good boundaries; they get overinvolved in your life; take on way too much and make everyone’s problems their own. They end up overwhelmed, mired in drama, and resentful. And then they become the martyr.
The problem with being friends with this type of person is that you’re not in an equal friendship where you like each other, enjoy spending time with each other; and when there happen to be downs, you support each other through them. It’s more like you’re a project, everyone’s a project; and once you stop being a project you’re now support - not just for them and their own problems, but part of the fire brigade for their other projects (which they’ve internalized as their own problems and drama)."
Lol i had a friend like that, She was always saying that She felt when i was down and came to my rescue, that annoyed the s**t out of me, 1st i don't like being rescued, Im a logical dude, i know what my problem is, and i Also know how to fix it, só unless you have a solution you're not rescuing me lol, and more importantly don't frikking brag that you are rescuing me, that pisses me off beyond belief.
"If you have had a friend for a long time, but you only seem to be able to talk about memories in the past.
Each time you get together or exchange messages, it's "Remember in high school...." or "Remember that time when...." - Could be a sign that you both have grown apart and do not have much in common today that you can connect on.
Edit: Thanks for the great responses (I am an old and not used to so many great comments - is it ridiculous to thank people for comments? Yes, probably) - I digress - I should have clarified - I mentioned below that fondly reminiscing about the past, crazy stories, inside jokes - those are the foundation of any solid long term friendship.
It's when that is only the extent of your communication that I think it becomes a red flag. I look at it from this perspective - if you were to have an intimate discussion on your future hopes, goals or just confiding in each other - would it feel forced, awkward or just unnatural? If so, it's likely because you both can't relate to one another - that's when I think it's a red flag."
super_sayanything wrote:
"I have friends like this, but it prevents them from being good friends. Having to censor yourself. I have friends with different religious/political beliefs that I think are absolutely insane, I don't endorse what they say but I just keep my mouth shut. Because I know they wouldn't be okay with it and the purpose of these friendships usually revolve around sports/music."
grandelusions replied:
"If you have to describe the relationship as having a purpose, it's not a friendship. They are your associates, and could probably be labeled as aquantances at best."
"Controlling, manipulative friends that try to change you rather than accepting you as you are."
"Friends that are a one way street. I was always the one to message, call, or make plans with them. I was always the one to check up on them to see if they were okay. I always offered a helping hand and be there for them.
I decided to stop to see if they would reach out to me, but we never spoke to me again. Oh, well."
I once let a friendship like this fall asleep. Then she had a baby. All of a sudden she calls, messages, asks for meetings etc. I once asked her about it and we had a talk. Now we are good friends. The reason for her behaviour was just that she was so involved in everything around her she never got around texting. But when her life became even more stressful with the baby, she realised she couldn't let herself be swallowed up, she needed time to be herself and get out. She then realised that she had let all her friendships slip out of her grasp and only had work, her husband and the baby left. No room to be herself. And of all the friends she texted, I was the only one replying.
"Conditional friendship. We’re friends until I question you in the slightest way and if I do, the relationship is tanked."
"You leave their presence feeling worse about yourself. Mostly because they will have an excuse for what they say.
When you ask them for anything they are busy, but they will demand things from you.
Most people also brush away that they will demand a lot of attention."
"Repeatedly have to put effort into maintaining the friendship. Understandable if someone is busy but it gets to a point when it just becomes a one sided relationship."
"Giving you random gifts to make up for sustained s****y behavior and making friendship transactional. Like, I don't want your junk I want you to quit being an a*s."
"Friends who stay friends with people who traumatized you."
Dude i had this argument with someone just before yesterday lol, só i have a coworker in my section ( she's new ) very Nice and all, i Also have another coworker that hás been here for many years, She is frikking hilarious, She more like " One of the guys ", every One likes her, She works hard, She does things that are benieth her category and that given her age She probably shouldnt be doing, and again, She is frikking hilarious, but apparently a few years ago, She had a nasty quarel with the new girls brother, só they don't know eachother, ( both women i mean ), and yet the new One doesn't like the other One because She was mean to her brother..... if she had harmed her in any way shape of form ok i would agree, but the other women and get brother had a work fight once, that hás nothing to do with her, it was a professional quarel between 2 adults, and now She can't be friends of her by proxy?? Lol, same for this dude comenting here.
"They leave at anytime their closer friend comes around, and then return like nothing happened."
Especially when they cancel on you to do something similar with someone else who's not naturally more important. Like cancelling coffee with me to catch up with that one friend who moved to Shangri-la and you only see them once every 13 1/3 years when their dragon lord allows it? That's fine, we can have coffee another time. Cancel coffee with me to have coffee with Babs from across the floor with whom you have coffee every other day for no other reason than her asking? Nah, be happy with Babs. You obviously don't value me.
"People that are mean to other people or animals for fun. That’s a bad person."
"Friends that consistently overstep your boundaries for their own benefit. I brushed this away with a friend of mine until he really took it too far and I exploded at him. We never spoke again."
"Will constantly criticize you but as soon as you criticize them it’s like you’re bullying them."
"If they post about having a bad day but never answer anyone asking why.
Ex: Friend- "F**k this day. I'm so sick of this."
5 different people in comments- "What happened?"
Friend- "Message me", "Nothing", or no response.
You decide to message. You get, "Just had a bad day." And then nothing. Or get nothing at all. Or they tell you they'll tell you later. (They won't tell you later.)
Chances are absolutely nothing actually happened."
"When they pressure you to do things for them (or a certain way) and act like you were on board the whole time. (coersion)
They say they are "holding you accountable" to something you never wanted in the first place. (gaslighting)
They take the "high road" when you get angry because they won't respect your boundaries. (play the victim)"
"When they refuse to validate you/compliment you. When you tell them your accomplishment or something your proud of they reply with what THEY did to devalue your thing."
"Someone who is all nice, great, attentive, supportive, etc. when you are alone but acts differently when other people are around.
Don't make excuses for your friend, this is 100% uncool. At the very least, it shows some bad insecurities on their part, at worst it's a sign they are genuinely using you."
"Friends who say they'll help you out, but bail when you reach out.
Friends who "forget" to invite you or text you back about events/parties.
Friends who undermine what you say in group settings, i.e. you tell a story or make a comment and they correct you in some way."
"If the only jokes they're able to make are ones that make fun of other people. It's always a ticking time bomb with people like this and one day they'll suddenly turn against you without warning."
"They try to correct your personal preferences for you. Bully you out of liking certain clothing/music/foods/art, etc. They’ll often frame it as if they’re doing you a favor.
It’s a sign of emotional immaturity when people treat others like play objects rather than human beings."
"When they try to heavily influence what you like.
Had a friend who almost had a mental breakdown cause I wasn't playing Minecraft with default controls. Its legit annoying as fuck and theres a difference between being funny about it and then just being straight-up mental about it. No to sound morbit but one day, I'm gonna die and I don't wanna spend my life giving a shit about stuff that nobody cares about. Making a personality out of this trait is incredibly childish."
"Friends forming a clique within the wider friend group and slowly pushing you out until you're all but forgotten.
This keeps happening to me and I don't know how to get close to or connect to people anymore. Like it always starts out great, amazing even, but people just magnetize to each other and you find yourself alone again."
"Friends that spontaneously invite you to do something at the last minute (which I do like!), but then you have to turn them down because you already have other plans, and so you ask for a rain check... and they take it personally!
It's even more frustrating when they don't ask you to do anything with them again."
Especially when they should be able to see that you really would have liked to do it and just can't. And they're demanding you cancel an appointment by a specialist you had to wait for months to get and you need to go because of horrible pain just to go on a book signing. Yes this happened to me. I found out that moment that they didn't believe that my problems were legit. They thought I used it as an excuse to get out of work
"When they’re late or leave you waiting often. F*ck people who have no consideration for your time - one of your most precious things."
"Friends that don’t let you have any other friends and require 100% of your time when they can’t give you the same."
"Really jealous and possesive friends. I'm a jealous person by nature, and even though my jealousy flares up when I see my friends hanging out with other people, I would never let them know. Why? Because I don't want them to feel bad about doing the things they love (eg. having a social life outside my little world)
If a person tries to box you up because they want you all to themselves, it's not a proof of love or companionship. True love (in any kind of relationship like friends, family, lovers) is shown by respect and allowing the other person to have free will."
"When you can’t trust a damn word they say, or any promise they make to you, you know you don’t have a good friend."
"They're constantly on their phone messaging people or talk about people they speak to, but can never seem to reply to your messages."
"Having to comply with someone's opinion that you don't believe in. If you find yourself not getting along in an everyday way, that's a flag."
"They make you feel sad."
"Not making enough time for you. Whether it is that you are always the one to begin conversations and make plans, the other person having plenty of free time but not for you, cutting visits short because they have to be elsewhere, or my personal favorite: Inviting others to stuff you planned to do together - all of that shows that they don't respect you and the friendship as much as they should.
Relationships are a two-way street and given that we are a couple billion people you better put in some effort before I drop you for someone better."
"Friends who don't let you enjoy your own achievements. I had one who I thought was a super close friend tell me that it was pointless to audition for my high school's "select choir," and then when I got in she said "wow I'm surprised" and pretended to forget what she said before.
To think that I held her in such high regard, yet she would put me down like that, gave me huge confidence issues."
"Friends that never sound genuine when they talk about anything. Where they always sound like they're putting on a mask."
"They are incapable of hanging out with you without being intoxicated. Also, if they can't hang out at your house, they don't want to hang out at all."
"Them wanting to talk to you constantly and being pissed if you don’t reply within seconds."
"The ones who create and constantly dominate group chats.
Edit: I mean when they act like the alpha dog, or that you're privileged to be in their chat, or like they're the final word on anything posted in it."
"They won’t make the effort to understand. You could be reaching over halfway across the table and they won’t even try to reach for you."
"When you feel like you have to lie to them (about something you know is not bad or their business) in order to avoid conflict. Also when they want to be the leader of the group. Mayor red flag I always missed in highschool."
"Talking over you when trying to have a conversation with people and trying to always be the center of attention while either ignoring or putting down your ideas and/or jokes."
"When they ask you for money."
I know what people say about friends and money but I have lend money to friends several times and always gotten it back. It depends on the person and how they behave in general. The last person I lend money to is generally extremely reliable and I know she would give me the shirt of her back if I asked her. She asked me once for a couple hundred bucks for a deposit on a new appartment and gave it back 6 months later as promised. Edit: it also depends how often they ask and for what
