45 Of The Most Amusing Child-Friendly Insults That Members Of This Online Group Couldn’t Resist Sharing With Others
While insulting isn’t very nice and it’s meant to hurt someone’s feelings, sometimes you can’t help but admire the creativity of it. Especially if it’s not something banal like a slur or other profanity.
They are actually quite fun to analyze and leave you wondering why such a comparison was made. Sometimes they are so out-of-the-box that you may not understand if it was even meant as an insult.
Today we will look through such insults that are quite creative, subtle and are safe for work as Reddit user MeMyselfAndI24 specifically asked “What’s the best child friendly swear word/insult you’ve ever heard?”
More info: Reddit
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My niece called me “Walmart face” recently and it stung more than I’d like to admit.
Your face is so low quality, it looks like you dug it out of a Walmart clearance rack!
That's awesome! My brother's family came in for a visit from out of state when my niece was very young and I was a teenager. One day I was watching TV and my niece came in because she wanted me to play a game. I told her no but she kept asking and I finally said "I said NO!" She didn't cry or run to rat me out. She looked at me and spat out "You don't look very pretty today!". I didn't laugh until she was out of the room. Bless her little heart, it was the meanest thing she could think of. I tracked her down, apologized, and played a game with her. We used that line on each for many years when she grew up
My little brother used to call us "Kumate's Face" as an insult when he was 6. (BTW, Mr. Kumate was our mother's boss).
Whenever I want to insult someone, I say, "May a thousand screeching cats fall upon your face." I am now changing "face" to "Walmart face".
Swear words are an interesting part of our language as they are taboo and very widely used at the same time. Friends and colleagues may swear while talking to each other all the time, but not when they are in a more formal setting, in public or in front of family.
They help people relieve stress or blow off some steam if something is irritating them. Some research suggests that people who swear are more intelligent, more honest and creative. So the cause that makes us swear and the words themselves are more often negative, but the effect they have and the traits they indicate are usually positive.
When I was 11, my 8 year old sister and I were in a good natured TP battle with our neighbors a few doors down. One night we were doing the deed, when our 9-year-old neighbor, who was watching with his family, ran outside brandishing a fake cane yelling in a really good impersonation of an old man voice, “get offer mah lawn you bunch of squirrelly kumquats!”
I remember skittering home, hearing his mom laughing her head off. I’m pretty sure he made that up himself.
Be sure you spell it right for maximum insult - the fruit is actually spelled "kumquat" XD
Load More Replies...Holy c**p, BP actually got the stock image correct! Those are actually kumquats! :O
So.. Help my dirty mind but when they said "the deed" I thought it was something else
My coworker told me that her preschooler learned to say "I'll pray for you," but that it comes out as the most shade throwing side eyed insult ever.
Like when Whoopie Goldberg says "Bless you" in Sister Act. "Bless" is not the word her tone conveys
"I'll pray for you" always comes out as a shade insult, unless you are on your deathbed. Even then...
Even though adults swear in private all the time, they don’t want children hearing it. The Reddit thread in question is the perfect example of people searching ways of insulting others or swearing by using unusual words and phrases.
Bored Panda reached out to Timothy Jay, PhD who taught Introduction To Psychology and Cognitive Psychology in Massachusetts College Of Liberal Arts and who expertises in psycholinguistics and has a particular interest is swearing.
When I was in high school someone called someone else a wet bag of chips in place of calling them a useless f**k.
My niece sucked all the flavor off the chips and put them back into the bag. I 100% agree this is correct lol.
Why do I know this to be a true storyyyyy 😭 Why are kids so ewwww. My kid likes to put everything in his mouth. He's tried to put cigarette butts he found in the playground in his mouth 🤮 And now the new thing is spitting everywhere and licking all surfaces. Are all 2yo like this??
Load More Replies..."You are as useful as a screen door on a battleship...!" wait... that's not it...
Get your poop in a group. = Get your s**t together.
I've said this for YEARS! I also suggested for someone to align their waterfowl.
I had a religious colleague say, "We are in deep bandini now." I had to look it up. It means poop.
We asked him what leads adults to protect children from swear words and search for euphemisms. Dr. Jay told us that “Americans have an age-old custom of protecting children from certain aspects of life, such as sexuality, menstruation, birth control, offensive language/music/videos/games.”
The custom stems from the belief that swearing is harmful to children, “so most parents have rules about swearing in the home, although most of these parents break their own rules from time to time.”
However, the Professor Emeritus doesn’t agree that this is the best approach, “What parents need to do is teach their children that it is okay to have emotions. They have to teach children how to express their emotions in a manner that will not create personal or interpersonal problems.”
My cousin called his brother a swamp donkey
It's like a trash panda, but more stubborn and smellier (and without the heavy weaponry).
One of the little kids I looked after was extremely mad at me one day. Pretty sure she was offended by my saying no to her. She glared at me, stomped her foot and called me “Mayor Humdinger”. For the non familiar Mayor Humdinger is the antagonist on Paw Patrol. I lost it, it was hilarious.
Using antagonists' names as insults? Why hadn't I thought of that? I shall now start calling people Hawkbutt, Sour-on, Hippo-chin, and Moldy Voldy(three cheers to you if you get all of the references!).
Sauron and Voldemort I get but what are the others?
Load More Replies...Why does it look like he was caught pissing on the side of a civic building and he's mad about it?
The new president had been in the White House less than two weeks when an American tourist (in the Netherlands) said: "the president elect, not my president".
We're so fudging stupid in this country. There are *millions* of us who believe this kind of bullpocky, for fork's sake! I'm sick and tired of this shiit-taki mushroom. (Ok, that last one was a bit of a stretch.)
Load More Replies...Like me calling people Octavian after the dude from Heroes of Olympus
He sucks. BURN YOUR BEARS, OCTAVIAN!!!
Load More Replies...I used to be an in home provider at a residential group home. One lady said when mad at me, she would call me Ms. Hannigan in her head.
We may imagine that people who swear have a lower education, come from low-income families and lack social skills, but it truly doesn’t reflect reality. As mentioned, people who swear can possess positive traits such as intelligence and honesty more often than those who don’t swear.
Dr. Jay confirms it, “Swearing might indicate that the speaker is not holding anything back and gets to the emotional core of communication. People who have large, fluent vocabularies are also good at generating swear words.”
Not only swearing shows positive traits of a person, but it has positive outcomes and are used for positive purposes, “Swearing is used positively to: vent anger/frustration, substitute for physical violence, create peer bonding, create humor, allow for self-denigration.
Growing up my dad randomly decided “Frankenstein” was a swear word and would pretend to get upset when we would “swear” at him. It still works 30+ years later 😅
My dad’s the best, I can’t wait to go home and visit with him this weekend!
Uhhhh BP aren’t you gonna censor? He said F R A N K E N S T E I N
Load More Replies...Holy Frankenstein what the Frankenstein are you doing??? I feel like there’s a really great dad joke behind this. I haven’t figured it out yet. If you do let me know I’m working on it
My kid recently referred to a kid in her class as a "brathole."
I'm filing that one away for future use. Prob next week when I stay with my 16 yo nephew and 13 yo niece. Haha
It’s not to say that people who dont swear are bad or stupid people who don’t have a sense of humor. And people who use child-friendly swears are not inferior either. Actually, Dr. Jay thinks that these milder swears may have the same effect as the heavier ones, “Depends on the particular person. Mormons use euphemisms (sugar, darn, fudge) that seem to work for their emotional expressions. Each person has a history of what will work for relieving stress as a matter of habit…so, it depends.”
"first of all, brush your teeth"
Anything your say after that doesn't matter. They will already be dead inside
I think in a video some kid told another "First of all, you need to fix your teeth" I died lol
Ran into my ex husband and he just looked at me and said, "Wow, you got fat" (I've gained MAYBE 15 pounds since we got divorced). I just smiled sweetly and said, "Yeah, but I can go on a diet. Can you grow hair?"
My nephew called me a mashed potato once. I still don't know what I did to deserve that.
You soggy, pathetic, little blob of instant mash potato glop.
My son who was maybe 3 at the time got mad at his dad and called him a big red truck. We still use that as an insult sometimes.
it means you're ugly....... or hes a cannibal and hes planning on eating you
Do you express your emotions with swears? Do you think children should be protected from offensive language while they’re young? Do you know any other funny-sounding swears and insults that would fit this list? Leave us a comment below!
Listen here you stick of unsalted butter
That is so simple: there's no real meaning, it's just kinda goofy in the perfect way. lol.
Because you are fat, tasteless and bland. Also rectangular.
This too...is like... so English of a thing... "you untoasted walnut!"
Met a guy who recently had a child, he started replacing his curse words with PICKLES. He would cut his finger and just scream AHH PICKLES
The one with the pickle dingle on top, or the one that has been clearly tampered with and replaced with a smuckers jelly lid
Load More Replies...I use "fish" or "fishsticks" as a substitute for the F bomb.
Load More Replies...my older brother does this but with breadsticks. mum will say something silly to him and he will call her a breadstick
I once managed to successfully turn fück into ‘fu-crying out loud’ after dropping a book on my foot in front of a class of six year olds. I felt like a responsible adult (spoiler alert: I’m no such thing)
"Why, You Stuck Up, Half-Witted, Scruffy-Looking, Nerf-Herder!"
_-Princess Leia_
"I'd rather kiss a wookie!" "That can be arranged!"
Load More Replies...That will always make me think of Something Something Something Dark Side
Son of a motherless goat. Makes no sense but always makes me giggle when I say it.
I use this all the time. Had heard someone else use it and thought I can sub this one in pretty easy and the longer you think about what it means the worse it becomes lol
I had a friend yell “what the peepeecake” while playing videogames with him while there were small children in voice chat. Everybody immediately cracked up. It’s perfect.
Your mother uses cheap toilet paper
I see that TP over roll is a landslide winner over TP under roll, as it should be.
I thought there was a 50/50 choice in the photo, which seems odd.
Load More Replies...
Cotton-headed ninny muggins
ninny muggins? NINNY MUGGINS? OH GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE- yeah that is hilarious.
In the world of Elf, this is like the c-word and the f-word mixed together.
In the USA calling a black person cotton headed would be seen as a derogatory comment on their hair.
Who are you calling a cootie queen you lint licker!
I still use "lint Licker!" After that orbit commercial.... my kids look at me like I'm nuts....
https://youtu.be/Bxmkiy9txBE This is the old commercial that it's from. A really cute and funny commercial.
Load More Replies...
You're supposed to be dumpster diving for ham scraps, you six piece chicken mcnobody!
We were at the base of Old Faithful and, as it was erupting, the wind shifted blowing a totally unexpected big drift of spray on our son who was about 4 at the time. He was soooo mad he started running and swinging his arms, stomping his feet and hollering "Dag Darn It!" at the top of his voice over and over like a miniature longshoreman who just smashed his thumb with a hammer and, brother, he MEANT EVERY WORD HE WAS SAYING! 24 years later, I'll STILL say "Dag Darn It!" when I'm in a position where I feel the need to exclaim in a negative fashion but real swearing would be wholly inappropriate.
Last year I dropped something and said "dag nabbit!" Then I turned to my mother and said "I'm sorry you had to hear that." I'm 55
I was a C.I.T at a day camp and there was this young kid with anger issues. He would often get into fights with the other kids and would have frequent temper tantrums when things didn’t go his way. One day on the bus he was sitting playing on his gameboy when the kid next to him starts drawing on a piece of paper. The boy with anger problems wanted a piece of paper and the other kid said no multiple times. Things got heated and the kid drawing said shut up. ( I know, intense). In which the other kid screamed,”SUCK MY GAMEBOY!” Unsuccessfully tried to hold in my laughter.
Shisha pit ... I’m randomly dyslexic when I talk quickly and I tried to call my friend a piece of s**t (jokingly) and thus became shisha pit..
My son and I switch small phrases all the time I can’t believe we never thought of this one!! Baco tell is our favorite late night taco
Just be careful when watching Robin Hood, Friar Tuck is a pitfall for Spoonerisms.
Load More Replies...Spiderman 2=Tighter Man-Spew (Thank you Matt Gourley)
Load More Replies...Hubby was in HS playing football and the coach was yelling and chewing the team out big time. He intended to say "You're all a bunch of numb dummies" but it came out "You're all a bunch of dumb nummies." They tried not to crack up because then he would've yelled more.
I'm forever hoping that "Shiloh Pitt " will never be dyslexic...
In 2001, when my sister was pregnant with her eldest, she had a BAD case of "baby brain" and had trouble getting her words out the way she intended to. We were talking about the Red Hot Chili Peppers, which was entirely too much for her hormone-addled mind. First attempt: "hėlly poppers". Second attempt: "pippy chippers". We've used them interchangeably for 21 years.
A friend of mine once tried to tell me that he saw someone on the telly trying to say "hypodermic needle" but all she could manage was "hypodeemic nurdle". He *tried* to tell me that, but he too got stuck on "hypodeemic nurdle" mode...
"your face is a toaster"
I just looked at my nephew, eyebrows raised.
I was flabbergasted.
oh, well then put some bread in my mouth and you won't be able to call me useless, eh?
Your hairline looks like a MacDonald's sign
I didn´t know there were 99 billion people on earth. The more you know.
Squilliam Fancyson, looking at you and your unibrow...
My nephew called me a “stanky rainbow.” Best insult ever.
How can being called a rainbow be an insult, even a stanky one?
"Your personality is as interesting as a grayscale rainbow"
Load More Replies...
You smell like hot dog water
LOL-Disenchantment! Soup of the Day in the Nunnery Princess Tiabeanie was sent to: Hot Dog Water
I actually like the smell of hot dog water... because it reminds me of hot dogs
I like to call people kartoffelkopf which means potato head in German.
Weirdly I used to do the same! It was the most offensive phrase I could come up with from my face German!
I like calling people "bananflue" which is a type of fly that is very very annoying
My grandpa used to say that one, as well as "quatschkopf" (loosely translated to trash-head).
My dad tried to teach us random German words to use instead of swear words. It did not work... And we did not learn any German either.
You total muppet!
This is a british insult. I havent used it, but ive read it plenty of time 😁
Calling someone a muppet is in regular use all over the English speaking world.
There's a line from Jesus Christ Superstar, where to this day, I hear Pontius Pilate condemn Jesus by saying, "I wash my hands of your self-destruction. DIE if you want to, you misguided muppet!"
Gordon Ramsey taught his kids vegetable names to replace swears.
Shitaku for s**t was my favorite
There weren't any real swear words left after he was done.
Load More Replies...You son of a bitter melon! Dumb asparagus! So many possibilities...
“You’re... not a nice person!”
Which was then followed by a shocked gasp from their friend.
Once upon a time in our late teens early 20's, my best friend went on a rant saying every possible insult and curse about a backstabbing "friend" after finding out they did some messed up stuff behind our backs. She went along on this tirade saying every curse she could imagine (and boy could she swear) and then ended it with "not nice girl". We lost it laughing with that final insult
Reminds me of that line in Enchanted "You... are NOT A VERY NICE OLD MAN!"
You're not a nice person Albert... not a nice person at all....
My daughter told my husband he smelled like a "rusty old pirate". It was hilarious because it was somehow completely accurate!
My 10 year old calls people 'bum crumb' 😂🤦♀️
Mother trucker dude, that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick
You gotta say this with the stereotypical surfer accent from kids tv shows
Didn't some kid in a youtube clip say this... And was on Ridicolousness. I swear I remember this one EDIT: Yes. the answer is yes .... Hope this is the right one.. Can't listen, I'm at work. Please lemme know if they added something inappropriate https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJtQ3KCVhsA
You’re an immature nugget!
Was skating with a buddy and we passed 2 little kids, one kid called the other an idiot and he promptly shot back with immature nugget. That was well over 10 years ago and that’s still our go to insult for each other
Sugar Honey Ice Tea (s**t)
I still can't believe I didn't pick up on this in the first Madagascar movie until years later.
When I was a kid, I thought he was calling Alex by an affectionate nickname! LOL!
Load More Replies...Shiitake (like the mushroom) instead of s**t. Gordon Ramsey’s child said it at school and they got upset. Upon calling Mr. Ramsey and explaining the situation they were then set upon by Gordon Ramsey for them getting mad at his child for NOT cursing. He of course explained to them that shiitake is a type of mushroom. By yelling at them about it. Love that man.
You don't know grits from granola!
Years ago I read about an English teacher who was grading a paper whose writer kept writing "burro" when they meant "burrow." The teacher wrote, "clearly you don't know your a*s from a hole in the ground."
When I was 6 years-old, my childhood best friend taught me the phrase, “Get out of my face, Face!”
It’s so stupid, but I still think it to myself sometimes when I’m in a crowded area and people are in my personal bubble.
Idiot bunky nematode. My brother was maybe 3 when he said this to me and my sister.
Oh barnacles!
I was visiting some very religious friends of mine when I fell off the porch and broke my foot. I started to day "oh s**t". I suddenly remembered who was around me and it came out "oh shoelaces". I still use it almost 30 years later.
I say "Oh, beans!" Which is a line from the awesome children's book "Who's a Pest?"
Fork!
We use five - the v sign in Roman numerals is 5 - silly but it works for us.
"Well, FISH it!". From the Fish Cheer by Country Joe and the Fish at Woodstock. Lord, how old does that make me?!?
I've always been partial to the expletives used by Yosemite Sam, 'Rackenfratzen' being a favorite.
"Shog off!" It's from Shakespeare.
My son (2.5 year old) will randomly scream in a shrill voice and smack your but and scream, "STIIIINKY BUTT!" he does this ANYWHERE and as loud as his tiny body can make the sound.
You should teach him this is not acceptable as soon as possible. It's funny while its you, but one day he'll do it to someone else and then it'll be a bigger issue than you gambled for.....
Bite your thumb at someone
Oh BOB SAGET!!
Oh my God did I post this without realising this is literally exactly what i say all the Bob saget ing time
Pickle smoocher
At church camp we'd say "Mother Father"
"Mother-" "fATHEr now you" "brother, i love word association games"
Donut - idiot U have the personality of a fridge Take a long walk off a short pier - f**k off
Holy smokes! What the fudge! F***k! You’re a buttface! I’m 31 years old and I use these on the regular.
Donut - idiot U have the personality of a fridge Take a long walk off a short pier - f**k off
Donut - idiot U have the personality of a fridge Take a long walk off a short pier - f**k off
it was bugged when they posted the listing yesterday, a lot of us suggested words on this as it was open to post, i'm guessing they deleted them all
Load More Replies...I taught my nieces to call people diphthongs, nimrods, and sesquipedalians at school. Their teachers have admitted to being a bit confused.
I still love...'go suck a fart out of a dead seaguls hole'......its a mouthful, but effective...😎
"you first pancake of a man" by Mazikeen (Lucifer) is my personal favorite. And my second favorite is "you are not the sharpest pencil, are you?" :D
C U Next Tuesday is a classic.. and one I ripped from a song " Your makeup looks like you headbutted a box of crayons"
When my son was about 7, we were driving somewhere and laughing about something and he yells "Shut your pothole, Mom!" I DIED laughing. We've said that ever since. He's now 20.
I work in a children's hospital. One night I was preparing a bottle for a baby. I was told their special bottle was all set up and all I needed to do was dump the formula in and tighten the nipple. This kiddo ate something called alimentium. This formula is one of the stinkiest ones out there. I dumped the can into the bottle and it shot straight out the bottom, down my pants and into my expensive new shoes. I grumbled, "Oh, fudge and Graham crackers!" in response to it all. I nearly had a heart attack when a sleepy voice from the other side of the crib whispered that was the best replacement curse they'd ever heard. I did not know the parents were in there.
I taught my nieces to call people diphthongs, nimrods, and sesquipedalians at school. Their teachers have admitted to being a bit confused.
I still love...'go suck a fart out of a dead seaguls hole'......its a mouthful, but effective...😎
"you first pancake of a man" by Mazikeen (Lucifer) is my personal favorite. And my second favorite is "you are not the sharpest pencil, are you?" :D
C U Next Tuesday is a classic.. and one I ripped from a song " Your makeup looks like you headbutted a box of crayons"
When my son was about 7, we were driving somewhere and laughing about something and he yells "Shut your pothole, Mom!" I DIED laughing. We've said that ever since. He's now 20.
I work in a children's hospital. One night I was preparing a bottle for a baby. I was told their special bottle was all set up and all I needed to do was dump the formula in and tighten the nipple. This kiddo ate something called alimentium. This formula is one of the stinkiest ones out there. I dumped the can into the bottle and it shot straight out the bottom, down my pants and into my expensive new shoes. I grumbled, "Oh, fudge and Graham crackers!" in response to it all. I nearly had a heart attack when a sleepy voice from the other side of the crib whispered that was the best replacement curse they'd ever heard. I did not know the parents were in there.
