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Who doesn’t like to have a good laugh, huh? The phrase ‘laughter is the best medicine’ exists for a reason! Did you know that laughter enhances your intake of oxygen-rich air, stimulates your heart, lungs and muscles, and increases the endorphins that are released by your brain? Well, now you know.
Yes, yes, not all jokes can make you laugh uncontrollably. Some people are bigger fans of dark humor, some folks like more realistic jokes that they relate to and others prefer ‘smart jokes’, basically those which take time to understand and for it to make sense.
Now, speaking of all types of jokes, folks in this online thread share their best jokes that they know. Here you can find 41 of the best ones that hopefully will make you chuckle!
More info: Reddit
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
It's kind of a long one but a good one:
One day, saint Peter was manning his station at the pearly gates of heaven, denying or allowing people to enter heaven. Eventually, a guy comes up and starts talking to Peter, and Peter says, "Tell me about the day you died."
The guy says, "Man, it was terrible, I got off work early to try and catch my wife cheating on me, as I'd expected she was. Well, I got home to my 14th floor apartment and found my wife naked, wet, and in bed; obviously, she had just been having sex. So I searched all over my 14th floor apartment and couldn't find anyone, so I decided to have a cigarette on my balcony. Low and behold, I looked down and saw a naked man hanging by his fingertips, and in a rage, I grabbed a hammer and smashed his fingers. Lucky for him, he landed in some bush's and started to scramble out of them. So I went and pushed my fridge off the edge. It landed on him and killed him. But the act gave me a heart attack, and I died. "
Peter let the man in and asked the next guy. "Tell me about the day you died,"
The second man said, " Man, it was awful, I was in my 15th floor apartment doing acrobatics, but see, I have a better range of motion if I'm naked when I do my acrobatics But, I misjudged a jump and fell out my window and off my balcony. Luckily, I caught myself with just my fingertips on the 14th floor apartment balcony. But then some crazy bastard came out and smashed my fingers with a hammer. I managed to land in some bushes, but as I was trying to get out of the bushes, the mad lad dropped a fridge on me, and I died."
Peter chuckles to himself and allows the man entry. Then Peter turns to the next man and says, " Tell me about the day you died."
The third man says, " Okay, so get this, I'm hiding in a fridge..."
Kookamunga 2 years ago
Here's one of my favorites: Did you hear it's now illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii? ......Now when you’re there you gotta keep it to a lo ha
𝗍іrᥱძ⍴ᥲᥒძᥲ (ᥲᥒᥡ ⍴r᥆ᥒ᥆ᥙᥒs) 2 years ago
I learned this joke but it was different: Three men end up dying at the exact same time. Like the EXACT same time. They show up and St. Peter doesn’t know which one to judge first, so he asks them to tell their life stories and he’ll decide based on which story he deems the best. The first man says, “Alright so I come home to my apartment after work, and I heard someone rustling around in my bedroom. I ran in there to find a man holding on by his fingertips to my balcony. I got the man off of the balcony but he falls onto a canopy of a lower floor, so I threw this dresser onto him, but it was unusually heavy and I had a heart attack and died. The third man says, “So I’m a window washer for this building. I was cleaning this window and I fall. By the grace of God I grab onto the bottom of somebody’s balcony, but this lunatic kicks me off of it. I landed on a canopy of a lower floor, and he throws a dresser on me and I die. The third man says, “So I was in this dresser-“
RELATED:
#2
Three construction workers have lunch together on top of a tall building. The first one opens his lunch box and goes "Another tuna sandwich? I eat tuna sandwich every day. If I have to eat another tuna sandwich I'm going to jump!". The second one opens his lunch box and also goes "Man, another turkey club sandwich. I can't stand it anymore. If it's the same tomorrow, I'll jump". The third worker opens his lunch box, sees a meatball sandwich, and like the others he says he'll jump if he has to eat another meatball sandwich.
The next day the three men open their lunch boxes. The first one got a tuna sandwich. He writes a goodbye note and jumps. The second got a turkey club and does the same. The third sees he has a meatball sandwich and follows them.
At the funeral the wives of the three men meet. The first one weeps and says "If only I had known! I would have made him something else!". The second wive is angry and goes "He never told me he wanted something else! If he had just talked to me!". They notice that the third wife just looks sort of confused, so they ask her what's wrong.
She replies: "I just don't get it. He always made his own lunch."
CV Vir 2 years ago
It depends on not realizing that men are able to make their own sandwiches.
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Hilary Gilbertson 2 years ago
Was originally quite a funny story about racial stereotypes and Ireland. This gave meaning to the punchline.
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Cheeky chicken 2 years ago (edited)
I heard this joke about 30 years ago ( I would have been about 13) but back then it was told with an English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man. I always got a huge laugh when I told it, before people come for me to tell me I'm an a.hole the point of this comment is to say that I'm glad the 3 nationalities aren't part of the joke anymore and I'm happy to say that now I'm older I cringe that I used to tell it and get big laughs the original way. This is still a great (and much kinder) joke x
Bored Panda got in touch with u/MrMidnightDiamond, the creator of this viral thread. When asked if there was some inspiration to create this thread, he shared that “I recently went through a breakup that has left me feeling quite heartbroken and in need of something to raise my spirits. Funnily enough, I haven't even posted my best joke yet.”
#3
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the funeral, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the funeral director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So... I switched the heads"
Rodney McKay 2 years ago
How is this funny? I mean, while not believable it's at least logical.
OhnoI’vebeencensored 2 years ago
Have you heard a joke before? I'll spell it out - it's funny because you'd expect the funeral director to switch the suits. Switching the heads is subversive and entertainingly macabre.
Load More Replies... #4
Three men-one British, one Japanese, and one American- are trekking through the jungle when they’re suddenly captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who tells them “We are going to kill you, eat you, and use your skin to make our canoes. However, we will allow you to choose how you die.”
The Englishman asks for his gun and a single bullet. He loads it, points it at his head, and says “God save the queen.” Bang.
The Japanese man asks for his sword. They give him his sword, he says “For Honor!” before committing hara-kiri.
The American asks for a fork. They give him a fork, and he starts going to town on himself. Stabbing himself all over his arms, his legs, his torso, he’s bleeding like crazy, but he’s not dying quickly. Finally the chief asks what he’s doing. The American looks him in the eye and yells “F**k your canoes!”
girlsrock4ever 2 years ago
I'm not American, but I would probably do the third option just to get some last form of revenge. That one seems the best to me.
Rodney McKay 2 years ago
Old age... Seriously, this is the obvious answer.
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Bouche, Audi, and Shyla, oh my! 2 years ago
I thought the fork was going to be for the junk food he was going to eat to (eventually) kill himself.
#5
Guy trying to get hired at a farm, and the farmer says "Have you ever shoed a horse?" The guy says "No, but once I told a donkey to f**k off."
Friendly neighborhood possum 2 years ago
Haven’t seen you anywhere in a while!
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Greta Kolding 2 years ago
I love it! Short, funny and to the point. I'm only sorry that it can't be translated.
Additionally, he agreed to share his favorite joke! I know it’s long, but hopefully you will chuckle after reading it. "There are these three missionaries and they get captured by a nasty tribe of aborigines deep in the jungle. The aborigines tie them up and set them down before the chief, who as it happens speaks a little English.
The chief says to them, 'We are a hostile tribe, and we despise you and your missionary ways. So you have two choices. Death or... kabunga.'
Then he gestures to the first missionary and says, 'Choose!"
Well, the man doesn't know what this kabunga business is, but he knows what death is, all right, and he knows he doesn't want that. So he looks at the chief and says, 'I choose... kabunga.'
The chief raises his arms and cries out, 'Kabunga!' And a dozen warriors rush out. They throw this boy down, pull off his clothes, and sodomize him but good.
So now the chief looks at the second missionary, and he says, 'My friend, what do you choose? Will it be death, or... kabunga?'
Well, this boy knows what kabunga is now, and he doesn't want any of it. But choosing death, well, that'd be suicide, and suicide is against his religious principles. So he swallows hard and says to the chief, 'I... I choose... kabunga.'
The chief raises his arms and cries out, 'Kabunga!' And once again, a dozen warriors rush out, and they have their way with this boy, and it goes on for an awful hour. Finally, it's over. The chief looks at the third missionary and says, 'What will it be, my friend? Death, or... kabunga?'
Now this boy's seen just about all the kabunga he can stand. And even though it's against his religious principles, and even though he knows death is the end, he just can't face kabunga. So he screws up all his courage, sticks out his chin, looks the chief straight in the eye, and says, 'I choose death!'
The chief raises his arms and cries out, 'Death!... But first, kabunga!"
#6
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks "how?"
LizzieBoredom 2 years ago (edited)
The bartender could tell the snake was a stripper because she wore a garter and after repeatedly told to keep it on, she shed her skin.
Jon Mock 2 years ago
If I ever see a stripper shed her skin I am so outta there!
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#7
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
Samuel To 2 years ago
I was going to answer, If it sinks, it's girl ant, but if it floats... it's a witch
Stephanie Barr 2 years ago
Sigh. I think movies have ruined our understandings of insects. I get the joke, but, hey, most male ants have wings. A step above buoyant.
Additionally, MrMidnightDiamond emphasized that he never thought his Reddit post would gain so much attention! “I am so grateful that my question was able to reach out to so many people all over the world, bring them joy and give them a few laughs along the way.”
#8
''And the Lord said unto John, 'come forth and receive eternal life', but John came fifth and got a toaster
Stephanie Barr 2 years ago
My father's was a variation on this: "When the Lord said 'come forth and get brains,' you came fifth and got sawdust."
#9
A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at the radio and says, "God will take care of me."
He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.
A guy floats by in a canoe and says, "hop in brother, the waters rising."
He waves the guy off and says, "God will take care of me."
Now the water is halfway up the roof, and he's straddling the roof ridge.
A woman in a boat speeds up and says, "Get in the boat! The waters are going to keep rising!" The guy waves her off and says, "God will take care of me."
The guy is now on tip top of the chimney the water swirling around his neck a helicopter hovers overhead and guy repels down and says, "grab on!" Again, the guys says ,"no thanks, God will save me."
The guy wakes up at the pearly gates, in line as St. Peter is waiting for windows to install updates. He sees God through the gates on his throne, Jesus sitting on his lap. He yells up at God, "Why didn't you save me!?!?!"
God yells down, "I sent you a canoe, a boat and a helicopter!!!"
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 2 years ago
There’s a much shorter one about an atheist. An atheist hears on the radio there’s going to be flooding. She packs a small backpack with essentials and moves her valuables into the attic. The flood hits, and her house is getting pretty messed up. A guy in a canoe comes along, and she grabs her backpack and gets in the damn canoe.
Jill Bussey 2 years ago
And this is why the god-botherers died because they depended on god to save them from covid.
Angela C 2 years ago
Yup. Those people who say that God will cure them and refuse medical treatment... it never occurs to them that God might be working through the doctor whose treatment you just refused. It's like they think they're special enough that God will just directly save them
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And finally, the OP mentioned that there are so many jokes that he has upvoted or commented on. “Although I certainly haven't read all of the jokes because there are multiple jokes posted each and every day, I do often scroll through it and read them when I have the time.”
#10
A guy stops into a bar after work. The bar is situated on the third floor.
He sits down at the bar next to another dude and orders a drink.
After a few minutes, the other dude drains his glass, stands up and just runs and jumps out the window.
The man is left speechless, but two minutes later the other dude walks back in the door and sits back down at the bar as if nothing has happened.
The man is too confused to ask about what just happened, so he just continues sipping his drink.
A few minutes later, the other dude drains his glass again, and proceeds to run and jump out the window again, and then stroll back through the door, sit back down and order another drink.
So the guy says ‘screw it’ to himself, necks his drink, and runs and jumps right out the window.
The bartender turns to the other dude and says “you’re a real prick when you’re drunk, Superman”.
#11
I took the shell off my racing snail to make it go faster.
If anything it just made it more sluggish.
#12
My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Cyber Returns 2 years ago
I had to go to the doctor about a big black mole on my p*nis. i was so relieved when it was removed. I have a lifetime ban from the petting zoo now
Bouche, Audi, and Shyla, oh my! 2 years ago
It's okay, folks. Audi and I will get the cat killer!
girlsrock4ever 2 years ago (edited)
OMG! Animal cruelty! Hmph! (stifles chuckles) I admit my sense of humor is really dark...
#13
Bear walks into a bar and says “can I have a………Coke?”
Bartender says “what’s with the big pause?”
Bear says “I don’t know, I was born with them.”
#14
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
Peder Pedersen 2 years ago
Whats the difference between an oral and an a.n.a.l thermometer. The taste....
AtMostTheFabulist 2 years ago
Pete and Repeat were walking down the street . . . .
Load More Replies... Peder Pedersen 2 years ago
Whats the difference between an oral and a**l thermometer. The taste....
#15
I bought shoes from a [substance] dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
#16
Not my "best" but my favourite because my grandpa would tell it to everyone. And I miss my grandpa a lot.
How do you catch a bear?
Dig a big hole and line it with ashes. Put peas all around the edge of the hole.
When the bear goes for a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
ETA: In my FB memories, it was 10 years ago today that we lost my Grandpa. No wonder I've been thinking of him. I posted this joke for him on this day, in my memories.
NoCleverName 2 years ago
My version is: How do you catch a polar bear? Well, you cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas, and when he comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole
Suzanna Dobson 2 years ago
That was a funnie! :D I promise to tell it in honour of your Grandpa.
girlsrock4ever 2 years ago (edited)
I'm sorry for their loss :( But the joke was really funny! "Ash hole" hehe...
Kevin Southgate 2 years ago
Mine added it was a one of a kind polar bear. Unique up on him and kick him in the ice hole
#17
A man goes into the doctor and says "I think I have hearing problems"
Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Man: Sure! Homers fat and Marge has blue hair.
Robert T 2 years ago
Three rather deaf old ladies are walking down the street. "Windy isn't it", said one. "No, it's Thursday", said the second. "So am I, let's all go and have a cup of tea", said the third. :D
Apatheist Account2 2 years ago
I'm worried about my hearing. It's next Thursday at the Magistrate's court...
Celtic Pirate Queen 2 years ago
I live in Springfield, OR where Matt Groening grew up. There are Simpson's murals all over the downtown area.
#18
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers ✌️ and says: "five beers, please."
Crybabyartist 2 years ago
A Roman walks into a bar and holds up four fingers and says: "seven beers, please."
Boris’ Mom 2 years ago
And was upset when three were brought; misread the order.
Load More Replies... #19
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do.
Boris’ Mom 2 years ago
I looked it up, I even looked up pronounciation to A-bu Dha-bi - I don't hear yabba dabba doo...?
#20
A termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bar tender here”?
Kookamunga 2 years ago
A grasshopper walks into a bar - bartender says "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!" - grasshopper replies "You've got a drink called Steve?"
Darla Hitchcock 2 years ago
This is my favorite bad joke of all time. I've been telling it for twenty years, but a longer version.
#21
Do you know why divers fall backwards off the boat when they are diving? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat
Tushar Roy Mukherjee 2 years ago
Ok but seriously, why don't they dive outwards from the boat face first?
RedMarbles 2 years ago
Rocks the boat less, less likely to dislodge your regulator and mask, easier to let the tanks hit the water first than your body with extra weight on your back.
Load More Replies... #22
Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian
𝗍іrᥱძ⍴ᥲᥒძᥲ (ᥲᥒᥡ ⍴r᥆ᥒ᥆ᥙᥒs) 2 years ago
GUYS STOP DOWNVOTING. It was a frickin emoji and it’s not a dislike button. It’s for when people should be removed, like a report button.
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#23
Two whales are at a bar. On turns to the other and says "BWWWWWHHHHHAAAARRRRRGGGHHH"(be loud with your best whale sound) The other whale looks at him and says "Gimme your keys Frank, you're drunk!"
Cyber Returns 2 years ago
Bill and Ben, the flowerpot men, are in the bath. Bill farts and Ben says "Half past two"
#24
Someone found a hole in the nudist colony fence.
Police are looking into it.
Robert T 2 years ago
Someone stole the toilet from the local nick. The Police have nothing to go on.
DE Ray 2 years ago
While en route to a northern English city, the satnav went out. Police are looking for Leeds.
Cat Palmer 2 years ago
The version I know: someone stole the K9 unit's equipment. Police are looking for leads.
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David Martin 2 years ago
How do you pick out a blind man at a nudist colony? Honestly, it's not that hard
#25
Three men had a very late night drinking Guiness.
They left in the early morning hours and each went to their home. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.
The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped it around the first tree I saw. And I don't even have insurance!"
The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my wife, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"
The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand...
Chunks is my dog."
Do-nut touch da donut 2 years ago (edited)
No ones talking about how they drove drunk.... anyways NOOOO THE DOG... dont drink and drive kids
DE Ray 2 years ago
Never drink and drive! Drop acid and teleport instead.
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Šimon Špaček 2 years ago
It reminds me of this one: Guy comes to his favorite bar and says "do you remember how you told me not to drive yesterday? I went to take a train and when I woke today, do you know what I found in my garage?" "Your car?" "Nah, the train!"
The voice of reason 2 years ago
I had to go back and reread the first guy again and then I LOL
#26
Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me.
In other news,
I lost my lifeguard job.
(Not my original joke)
#27
2 fish in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing"?
Russ Kincade 2 years ago
Aaand, the first fish says "Yes I've done it before" "In a new study, researchers designed a souped-up aquarium on wheels to see if a goldfish can learn to navigate on dry land—and it worked." https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/watch-this-fish-out-of-water-drive-a-mini-vehicle-on-land-180979328/
Purple light 2 years ago
The first thing I thought was that the sea anemone pictured above looks so soft and cushy. I might be a bit a tired...
#28
Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter, so they threw one cigarette overboard, and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
John Szumowski 2 years ago
If I had a uncle who's last name was Tenna, That would make his wife, my Aunt Tenna ( antenna)
#29
What do you call an indecisive bee?
A maybee.
Nikki Sevven 2 years ago
I feel bad for whoever submitted this if it's the best joke they ever heard.
#30
A photon walks into a hotel and the concierge comes up and says, “May I take your bags sir?”
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
#31
Stole this for the leftovers: what's the difference between a pimple and a priest? One waits until you're 13 to come on your face.
Niall Mac Iomera 2 years ago
All the pointless censoring that BP does, but this is totally fine lol
ur_fav_tranny 2 years ago
The way my jaw ~dropped~......but it's true tho I grew up with the church
Jason Romine 2 years ago
Here we all are, having some good, clean fun, then this f**kin' Jeff shows up and makes things awkward and uncomfortable with a laugh-proof pedophilia "joke". Thanks, fella. Next time I want to laugh this hard, I'll make sure to schedule a root canal and a colonoscopy at the same time.
Norman Beattie 2 years ago (edited)
You do know all the censoring is preprogramed for specific words that trigger the cancellation or ** all you have to do if you want to curse is camouflage yourshittyword ! BUT why do you need to cuss with all the other ways to describe things, ever seen a dictionary, it's quite the book !
Jason Romine 2 years ago
Even if I thought pedophilia jokes were funny (I definitely do not), this one sucks because it's just fundamentally poorly executed. Pimples don't "come" on one's face. That spelling of 'come' suggests that after traveling from some other location, the pimple arrived on your face. Pimples don't move. No one ever says "this pimple just arrived to my face". They say, "I have a zit".
Jon Mock 2 years ago
So your response is that the joke, that everybody gets, because of how often it happens, is that the language doesn't quite work? And it apparently made you feel uncomfortable? It was supposed to.
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#32
What do you call a dog with no legs?
You don’t call it, you go get it.
Barbara Schubert 2 years ago
What do you call a dog with no front legs and steel testicles? Sparky!
#33
Did you hear about the scarecrow that won the Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field!
#34
Just read this one here recently and haven't had the right chance to deploy it in irl yet, so I'm still a bit bemused by it:
How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one,... but it takes a s**tload of light bulbs.
Sue 2 years ago
Similar - how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it has to want to change.
JB 2 years ago
But how many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two - one to hold the bulb and one to hold the penis! Father! LADDER I MEANT LADDER!
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Apatheist Account2 2 years ago
How many starlets does it take? 10 - one to go up the ladder and change it, and the other 9 to stand around saying "that should have been me up there!"
David 2 years ago (edited)
I used to watch Dragonball Z. My favorite light bulb joke is still - "How many Super Saiyans does it take to change a light bulb?" -- "Just one but it take 13 episodes" EDIT for those who never watched the show - the story moves super slow and each episode recaps stuff from the previous episode etc.
#35
A lady walks into a bar and orders a double-entendre, so the bartender *gives it to her*.
#36
Why can't you trust atoms? They make up everything.
The Blue Spirit 2 years ago (edited)
Proton therapy? Why would a subatomic particle need therapy? I guess it's hard being positive all the time.
#37
3 mathematicians walk into a bar. The barman says “do you all want a beer?”
First one says “I don’t know”
Second one says “i don’t know”
Third one says “yes”
Robert T 2 years ago
It should really be logicians, as we are talking about logic, rather than mathematics in general.
girlsrock4ever 2 years ago
I don't really understand this one... and how is them being mathematicians relevant to the joke?
Out of chocolate 2 years ago
The first mathematician wants a beer but can’t speak for the other two. The second mathematician also wants one but still doesn’t know about the third. The third now knows that they all want beer.
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Do-nut touch da donut 2 years ago
Barman asked if they ALL want a beer... the first 2 say idk because they dont know if everyone wants one... the 3rd said yes because they knew the other 2 wanted one :)
Load More Replies... Jason Romine 2 years ago
No, this is a math joke. Neither of the first 2 actually state that they want a beer. They just said "I don't know". That's not really an answer at all. Because it's not an answer, the first two guys subtract themselves from the equation, leaving the 3rd to be able to answer affirmatively 'yes'. Also, this joke sucks.
August West 2 years ago
I don’t agree. The first two answered affirmatively that they wanted a beer. If either of them didn’t, then they would have said “no” because they would have known that they all didn’t want a beer.
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#38
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
KittyGaming 2 years ago
You know this is kinda realistic bc left handed people are most likely to be ambidextrous
#39
What’s a foot long and slippery?
- a slipper
#40
Why did the bird go to the gym? To work on his pecks
Nicola Roberts 2 years ago
All those not effected with aphantasia snigger into their coffee.
Load More Replies... Charley128 2 years ago
Arnold Schwarzenegger recently announced that in his next film he would portray the life of a famous Classical composer. When asked what role he would be playing, he responded, "I'll be Bach".
#41
What's the difference between an owl, a piano, and a fish? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Josiane Roy 2 years ago
The version I'm familiar with list glue instead of an owl. Then punch line then changes to I knew you'd get stuck in that.
What do you think ?
T.O.S.o.R. 2 years ago
A man finds a genie lamp while walking on the beach. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says he gets 1 wish. He thinks a moment, and says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly. My wish is for a bridge to Hawaii." The genie says, no can do. Think of something else. The man says, "I would like a wife that understands me and I understand her!" The genie says "would you like that bridge to be 2 lanes, or 4?"
Eastendbird 2 years ago
I like the old Bob Monkhouse joke: When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like the passengers on his bus.
Khall Khall 2 years ago
What do you get when you combine an elephant with a rhino? Elephino...
tuzdayschild 2 years ago
If you're kissing your honey, and they're nose is runny, don't think it's funny, cuz it's not.
William Bonner 2 years ago (edited)
A lawyer is vacationing in Florida and signs up for an afternoon of deep-sea fishing. Once on board the boat, he strikes up a conversation with another passenger, who is an engineer. The lawyer says: "Just a couple of weeks ago my house burned to the ground. I lost all my stuff. But I have really good insurance. I bought a new house, got a lot of new stuff, and even had money left over for a nice vacation." The engineer says: "Interesting. Something similar happened to me recently. My house got washed away in a flood. Of course, all my belongings went with it. I, too, have really good insurance. I'm just taking some time off while my new house is being built." The lawyer says: "Really?!" Then he leans in and asks quietly: "How...did you start a flood??"
Kevin J. Henning 2 years ago
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you? --a stick
Dirk Daring 2 years ago
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Lisa Taylor 2 years ago
Why does BP censor so many words usually, yet allows a long homophobic joke within the main text of its own article? :-(
T.O.S.o.R. 2 years ago
A man finds a genie lamp while walking on the beach. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says he gets 1 wish. He thinks a moment, and says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly. My wish is for a bridge to Hawaii." The genie says, no can do. Think of something else. The man says, "I would like a wife that understands me and I understand her!" The genie says "would you like that bridge to be 2 lanes, or 4?"
Eastendbird 2 years ago
I like the old Bob Monkhouse joke: When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and terrified like the passengers on his bus.
Khall Khall 2 years ago
What do you get when you combine an elephant with a rhino? Elephino...
tuzdayschild 2 years ago
If you're kissing your honey, and they're nose is runny, don't think it's funny, cuz it's not.
William Bonner 2 years ago (edited)
A lawyer is vacationing in Florida and signs up for an afternoon of deep-sea fishing. Once on board the boat, he strikes up a conversation with another passenger, who is an engineer. The lawyer says: "Just a couple of weeks ago my house burned to the ground. I lost all my stuff. But I have really good insurance. I bought a new house, got a lot of new stuff, and even had money left over for a nice vacation." The engineer says: "Interesting. Something similar happened to me recently. My house got washed away in a flood. Of course, all my belongings went with it. I, too, have really good insurance. I'm just taking some time off while my new house is being built." The lawyer says: "Really?!" Then he leans in and asks quietly: "How...did you start a flood??"
Kevin J. Henning 2 years ago
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you? --a stick
Dirk Daring 2 years ago
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Lisa Taylor 2 years ago
Why does BP censor so many words usually, yet allows a long homophobic joke within the main text of its own article? :-(
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