The people on the internet have all the answers for any situation you might find yourself in. Looking for the most space-efficient ways to fold your socks - there’s a Quora thread on that. Interested in finding the best cat breed for first-time owners? Sure, no problem. Wanting to learn all about the best comebacks ever? Well, there’s definitely a Reddit thread for that, which we’ve found, had tons of fun while reading, and are now offering the best comebacks ever served fresh for your judgment.
Now, hopefully, you don’t need to have a savage comeback prepared for daily use. If that’s the case, we’d strongly advise you to stay away from such a toxic environment! But, chances are, you’ll still encounter a very stubborn person or two once in a while, when the only means to stop their sheer ignorance would be to use one of these best comebacks to shut someone up once and for all. What’s even better is that smart comebacks are battle-tested and trialed in real life, so you can be sure they’re definitely effective in achieving the effect you’re hoping for - the dumbfounded silence of your opponent.
As we’ve mentioned before, you won’t find the best insults anywhere else but on this AskReddit thread, in which we roamed for quite a while to gather the absolute gems that have the power to end any old argument. So, scroll on down below, check them all out, and give your vote to the best comebacks to an insult you’d gladly use should the need arise.
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"I'm a woman and my job basically boils down to arguing with attorneys who are mostly men with huge egos and a large helping of disdain for people they deem "beneath them". It's common for them to get pushy, loud, and insulting when they're not getting their way. That was intimidating at first, but now I look forward to it because it gives me an opportunity to use my favourite line: "It sounds like you're getting a little emotional about this; do you want to call me back when you've calmed down so we can get this done?"
This is always met with a delicious pause, followed by them either hanging up or launching into the most high-pitched screeching you've ever heard. Being called emotional by a perfectly calm woman breaks something in them and it's my favourite thing."
“Aussie here, you guys are overthinking this, let me help: ‘F*ck-off-ya-c*nt.’”
"'Well, I guess what everyone says about you is true'.
My Dad told me to say this, and the typical bully type will generally go crazy thinking everyone talks about them behind their back."
“I just go full Mr. Rogers, ‘It sounds like you’re having some big feelings. Big feelings are hard, aren’t they Buddy?’”
"Just walk away while they are talking, it's probably the rudest thing you can do. Plus you save your time and if they call you a coward smile in evil joy as you know they'll be thinking about this for the rest of the week."
I had this done to me once, unprovoked, and can report that it is indeed incredibly crushing and a great tactic to use on someone who deserves it!
"I once got punched in the face by a guy who had started trying to bully me in 7th grade. I don't know why but I just started laughing--that uncontrollable, "this isn't funny and it's not appropriate to laugh right now, but there's no way to stop it" type laugh.
It wasn't intentional and I wasn't trying to freak the guy out, but he turned beat red, mumbled that I was a "f*cking psycho", and stalked away.
He wouldn't even make eye contact with me through the end of high school, so that worked out well."
"Once I saw an AITA post where a bride was jealous of a guest (because she was too beautiful and "stole her day, even if she was perfectly elegant) and she was insulting her. The bride told her: "So next time, can I come to your wedding in a wedding gown ?".
The guest replied: "If you think it'll help"."
“There’s 8 billion people in this world that don’t know you, and I’m jealous of them.”
"'What a weird thing to say out loud'. Don’t clap back, make them realize they aren’t likeable."
"I bet that sounded a lot cooler in your head."
"I always respond 'I've been called worse' and continue with my day. If I'm feeling smug I'll add 'By better people.'"
_Goose_ wrote:
"Pull my earbuds out with a confused expression and ask 'What?'"
unwise_1 replied:
"I've done that before, it worked really well. Then if they repeat it, I just say "Yeah...no thanks" and put in my earbud again.
The fact that the response has no relation to what they just said, is dismissive and implies I didn't care enough to even listen properly, and it makes out like they just offered me something. It generally confuses them enough that they disengage."
I prefer to pull out one earbud and say, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” before immediately putting the earbud back in
"Apparently staring at someone's forehead when you talk to them unnerves people a lot."
"Alright, I will share this S-tier comeback with you all. Be careful using it because it's illegal in a lot of places and for good reason. During the dispute, you simply need to ask calmly and genuinely:
"Why are you making your voice deeper?"
Your opponent is simply unable to talk properly afterwards. If they try just continue to gaslight them into thinking they are. There is simply no further retort - the dispute is over."
"I like to alternate between their eyes and their hairline/top of their head.
Most people are hyper-aware that you're looking at something, "out of place" on their face, or in their hair.
It drives them nuts because now they feel like they need to stop, and go find a mirror; with the immediacy to do so, dependant upon their own level of frustration or anxiety."
"I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one."
“‘And?’ Basically takes all the wind out of their sails. They want to get a rise out of you and responding like this doesn’t give them the satisfaction.”
"Big fan of the pause for a beat, deadpan, and then some variation/combo of "you done?" "Feel better now?" "Got that outta your system?" Just that pause and little bit of patronizing tone while dismissing the childlike behaviour usually does more to the ego than a counter insult."
"'You’re right'…whatever it is they’re saying, agree with them and don’t argue. It’s infuriating for them. People insult others with the expectation of causing confrontation so when you don’t take the bait, it drives them insane."
Nasty person to me: "You're a bîtch." Me, singing: "I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother..."
"Any time my mom would get called names or insulted, she'd shrug and just say 'everybody's gotta be something.'"
“So this is why, people talk about behind your back.”
"First of all, brush your teeth..."
Hahaha this or just lean back and say “your breath smells really bad….”
“I usually just say, ‘I love you too.’”
"If whoever insulting you walks up outta nowhere to do so, after they're done insulting you just look them up and down like you're sizing them up and go back to whatever you were doing previously without saying anything. It's saying that they're not even worth a fraction of your time and is a (in my opinion) more effective version of the silent treatment."
"Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot."
tacit_urn wrote:
"'I don't get why that's funny. Can you explain it to me?' As soon as they start talking: 'I was just kidding, I don't actually care what you think.'"
Fun-Adhesiveness9219 replied:
"Hit em with the old "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!" like The Rock used to do."
A_Bap asked:
"Bob? But my names Billy..."
Vigorous_Piston added:
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS."
"Whatever you say haircut.
Gets them thinking they have a bad haircut and nobody has the nerve to tell them. They'll think about it long after their insult."
“You seem angry. Is everything all right at home?”
"The anti-comeback is my favourite. A light breeze has more effect on me than someone insulting or bullying me these days. I couldn’t tell you what the last five or ten people in my life that tried to publicly humiliate me even looked like. I never looked at them. What they were saying never made me miss a beat in whatever I was doing. They get SO MAD every time, try to bait me a few times, and then eventually give up. Meanwhile, everyone around me can hear and see what’s happening. There’s only one person that everyone is witnessing making an a** of themselves, and it’s not me."
"Just a dead-eye stare that lasts too long. No words. No one likes to f*ck with crazy."
"Ask them to repeat themself. Jokes are less funnier the second time around."
Silkygoods wrote:
"It's easy guys. Just repeat what they've said back but in a high pitch-sarcastic tone.
I find works especially well in customer service when dealing with tricky complaints."
dendroidarchitecture replied:
"It'S eAsY gUyS."
"My dad told me to respond to bullying by saying:
"Sorry about your family situation." - and walk away, looking very sympathetic and sad. like you understand and it's okay.
I've caused a few breakdowns for sure."
"How appropriate. You fight like a cow."
"Stick your finger in your mouth/cheek and pull it forward and out, so that it makes a popping noise. There arent many people who wouldnt be speechless after witnessing that during a conversation/argument."
As a person who doesn't have the ability to do this, laughter would follow.
“It’s the one you think of in the shower 3 to 16 years later.”
I hate when I come up with the best comeback AFTER the scenario is over!
"You should really come with a warning label."
"'That's fair'. Most of them don't like it when you just accept what they say without a fight."
“What happened to you? You used to be fun.”
"Hey, you see that. Over there behind you, off in the distance. It’s the last f*ck I could give and it’s flying away."
"I've said "I've stood up for you a lot, you know." only it was true. I am just realizing it may have hurt their feelings and I am so very pleased."
Great! "You know, I've stood up for you a lot when people were talking behind your back, but I guess I won't be doing that anymore." Brilliant!
"Just repeat it back to them in a condescending tone."
"Ask them "Why would you say that?" Think about it in various situations. Definitely makes them scramble."
"Your mum doesn't seem to care."
"I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash."
“Nice argument. Unfortunately, your momma.”
sadly the ur mom jokes have died out, and everybody is used to them, so r.i.p ur mom
"Yeah? Well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!!"
"No U!"
McFeely_Smackup wrote:
"Sudden and overwhelming physical violence."
TheSniffyMoss replied:
"Works like a charm."
"I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
It's bulletproof"
"'Up your butt and around the corner'. Worked when I was 10."
I heard this from my child a few years ago. Hate to say it, but I laughed.
Told someone "Say it, don't spray it!" once. Their face turned this interesting color -- something between beet-red and maroon. Scared me for a second or so, I thought they were about to have a stroke. It was glorious though.
My daughter and her friend had a relentless bully that would follow them with a couple friends making rude comments. When she asked me how to make him stop, i thought about it and told her, "when he starts doing it, wait about 20 seconds and then abruptly stop, turn around so u are directly facing him and do the loudest laugh/scream you can." Well, she did just that, and she said his eyes got really big and he jumped about 3 feet off the ground, which made his friends laugh. That ended it
Told someone "Say it, don't spray it!" once. Their face turned this interesting color -- something between beet-red and maroon. Scared me for a second or so, I thought they were about to have a stroke. It was glorious though.
My daughter and her friend had a relentless bully that would follow them with a couple friends making rude comments. When she asked me how to make him stop, i thought about it and told her, "when he starts doing it, wait about 20 seconds and then abruptly stop, turn around so u are directly facing him and do the loudest laugh/scream you can." Well, she did just that, and she said his eyes got really big and he jumped about 3 feet off the ground, which made his friends laugh. That ended it
