“Don’t Want To Lose Our Relationship”: GF Refuses Open Relationship, Drama Ensues
Ethical non-monogamy is becoming more and more accepted. People are opening up their relationships, living as throuples, and openly seeking the type of connections that satisfy their needs. This is amazing as it allows people to live authentically as themselves without compromising on their needs.
Of course, it can only work if the people involved are consenting adults that know what they’re getting into and want to participate. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
In this story, the woman was blindsided by her partner’s suggestion to venture into non-monogamy. She was hurt and her reaction hurt her partner, too. But was there a better way to navigate this situation? Scroll down to read the story and judge it for yourself.
Ethical-non monogamy is becoming more and more popular. However, it is still a tough subject to broach with your partner
Image credits: Alex Green (not the actual photo)
In this story, a boyfriend approached his girlfriend about opening up their relationship. He, obviously, didn’t expect the reaction he got
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Unlucky_Life_7482
The boyfriend might not have handled the conversation correctly
While the woman doesn’t detail how exactly their conversation about an open relationship went down, it might be that there were a lot of questions left unanswered.
When approaching such a touchy subject, one has to explain a lot of things. The boyfriend was supposed to put all his cards on the table and say why he wants to open the relationship. At the same time, he had to be very reassuring that his love and connection to his current partner would not diminish either. He also had to clarify that he did not act upon it yet and define what fidelity would mean to him from now on.
But even if everything is laid out correctly, the partner might still express a lot of hesitation. This is understandable as it’s all completely new information to them.
The ultimatum and the blame that came after is really what ruined it all
The aftermath of the conversation was the place where the boyfriend was supposed to shine. He had to show that he is lenient and try to simply keep the conversation open. Figuring out such things might take a while, after all. His decision to create a strict boundary where it wasn’t before and make an ultimatum right away was a big misstep. No surprise it made his girlfriend recoil from the idea of an open relationship completely.
The blame and manipulation that came after made him even more of a jerk. This is a sign of immaturity that shows that he wasn’t prepared for the open relationship in the first place.
Technically, the couple still has a chance of salvaging the relationship. It will need a lot of honest communication but it’s doable. They might need some help from a therapist but if they wish to do so, they might still stay together. The question is, would either of them want this at this point.
Many agreed that the woman did the right thing, and there was no way she was the jerk in this situation
What else is there to say, other than "safe travels, take care, don't come back"? If she is uncomfortable with it and he insists, he should go. Even if he back paddled I would not be able to trust him, if he tried to force the open relationship before.
Agree, this is just pure manipulation and nothing else. Clearly, he does not love you enough to respect you. So what is the point of continuing any kind of relatiionship with this guy?
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My ex did something like this, he cheated and I found out but stayed because I loved him so he suggested an open relationship. He then got REALLY upset that I was getting all these guys and he wasn't getting any.
With men, they want the double standard. They wanna screw, but can't stand their personal well becoming communal.
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open relationship works for some couples but is not for everyone. if she doesn't want to share then thats that. its not being unreasonable or controlling to expect a normal relationship like it was for the past four years. on the contrary the man giving an ultimatum and then having a tantrum when he doesnt get his way seems way more controlling to me. sooo give him the ultimatum, take the relationship as is or leave it. (on the other hand if he chooses to stay i would never trust him anymore not to cheat since apparently this is very important for him and he feels he has a right to connect with other women).
Yeah, dude doesn't want a genuine open relationship (doubt he could put in the work for one anyway, smh, he seems like the type to only think of his needs, not everyone involved), he's just a controlling toxic user (of people/OP) who wants his cake and eat it too. I feel so sorry for OP..
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When this guy says he wants an “open relationship” he means that he wants to go bang a different supermodel every day while she sits around reading “Twilight” fan fiction, waiting for him to decide when she’s enough to be graced with his presence. What a tool. She’s better off without his sorry @ss.
The moment someone brings something like this up to a monogamous person is the moment to get out. They're in a different mindset and they'll never be compatible.
I mean you don't know maybe your partner will be open to the idea it doesn't hurt to ask, and since our culture basically enforces monogamy every polyamorous person by definition used to be monogamous, and plenty of ppl try it and it works out for them Plus you can by definition only bring this up to a monogamous person because the whole discussion about opening up a relationship presuposes being in a monogamous one But its something that needs to be agreed upon and has rules its not just i do it sans anything and thats it
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Let him go. He won't be missed. If you want an open relationship, it should be discussed before you start a relationship.
The guy's getting his rocks off with someone, or wants to and is demanding that his girlfriend goes along with his "suggestion." Nope, nope, and nope. Hand the rake his hat, coat, and condoms, and tell him to scat. He wants bragging rights at your expense. While you're at it, get yourself tested for every STD in existence; chances are that he's already gone on a few test runs.
Take a look at all the men who want an "open relationship". Now take a look at all the men who would slap "their" woman silly, or any other form of abuse, if another man looked at them, let alone if she looked at another man. Draw the Venn diagram ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagram ) and leave him. You deserve much better.
Many men who want open relationship aren't like this and there are likewise many women who want open relationships but indeed there are numerous men like this which always made me think how exactly they think the math works out
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He says, "I need to have relationships (emotional and physical) with other people. I need this, and if you truly love me you will support my needs." She thinks, "I need to have a monogamous relationship." But yet she doesn't follow through on the argument he gave, "If you truly love me you will support my needs." ______ Their needs are incompatible. What will help one will harm the other. It is better to draw this relationship to a close to enable them both to pursue relationships that will meet their needs.
The guy is a tool. After FOUR years in a monogamous relationship he suddenly decides he wants an open one?
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He is the one who wants her to change a very common and reasonable boundary and get mad when she doesn't, he's the controlling and pushy one. Hope she tells him that since they're no longer together his input isn't welcome anymore
Doesn't even give her time to sit with it, and immediately puts her up against the firing wall the moment she expresses her feelings.
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"I want to save the relationship" but the relationship is already over. The ultimatum killed it.
Count yourself lucky that this happened before getting married and having kids! Time to move on.
I don't get how she's controlling. He said he wanted it or he'd leave to get it. She said she didn't want it, which implied he was free to leave. Now she's controlling him? No, dude, she's setting you free. Go have all the open relationships you want.
Now you know how he would react any time you disagree with him about anything. NTA, he is a lying manipulator, and you should get away from him.
Good grief, nta. Open relationships are fine for some people and really not okay for others. If you make an ultimatum and it fails, the correct reaction would be to either go through with it or to shut up. You should absolutely not try to manipulate the other person into giving you what you want and that's all the more so with something in which consent is so important. If he doesn't initiate the break up like he threatened then she should.
He's already been cheating on you. GTFO and be done with his sorry a*s. NTA times infinity.
Hell tf no! What?!?!? After 4 years? "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" NTA
I’m sorry, but it’s already over. You probably never even had the relationship you thought you did. The asking is one thing and hints that you may never be on the same page. But the ultimatum and actions after you said No, are flashing red flags. He’s controlling and already cheating. If you did agree, he will flaunt this in your face because he knows it bothers you. And in all likelihood, somehow you will be expected to be just his while yhe does what he wants
An open relationship is only an open relationship if everyone in the relationship is OPEN to that kind of lifestyle. A key ingredient in making it work is constant communication and a willingness to respect one another's feelings. He's bulldozing her from the get-go and SHE'S wondering if she's just supposed to shove her own feelings up her own ask to keep him happy. I hope this is the end for these two. He's not ready for an open relationship either. I hope he has a chance to mature in his understanding and eventually finds what he's looking for... without hurting anyone else the same way he's hurt op. And I hope OP seeks help in learning how to understand and respect her own feelings, needs, and boundaries.
"if you really love me", "you'r controlling and unfair..", "your stiffling his freedom", all of that is basically emotional blackmail. He wants his coockie and eat it too, while he considers you to be the problem for having a perfectly normal reaction to the idea of sharing him. Your values regarding what a relationship should be is rather common, whereass his idea is the untraditinal one, so I think he should have apraoched the subject a lot more gently and humbly instead of putting the blame on you and trying to persuade you by guilttripping you.... and don't ever present an ultimatum if you can't accept it going either way. It sounds like he needs to be set free and see other people, but then he must accept that it comes with the cost of not "having" you in his life anymore. For an open relationship to work, everybody must be in on the idea, and this clearly isn't the case. What the two of you want simply does not seem to be compatible, so I would say that it is time to part.
He wants everything, a mother figure at home and women to fu k on the side. This never works in the men's favor btw. She'll get so many matches on tinder and he'll get jealous.
Ultimatums tend to be a bad thing in a relationship. OP says they've been together for 4 years and he only recently declared he wants permission to cheat, which sounds like he already has his sights set on someone, and is now manipulating her to get what he wants whilst having to avoid anything like guilt or empathy. The guy wants the thrill of the chase with new women when he goes out AND the security and comfort that comes from having a steady partner when he gets home. With such a repellent exploitative attitude, chances are he'll bring something contagious home. My advice is know your self-worth, walk away and find someone for whom you are more than enough. Someone who sees only you in a sea of people.
Two choices 1) get out... He doesn't love enough to respect your limits . 2) be petty like me. Say yes. Start seeing other ppl too, make him pay for almost everything in the house! Wen he asks you for sex . Say, i already had sex today with someone else. Im tired!! And when you find someone that loves you and you love. Dump him!!
Women actually make 1000s of videos a day telling other women to leave if not FULLY happy and he is saying the same thing but with different answers, so weird.
Open relationships are fine -but it's got to be something you're both on board with for it to be successful. If you're uncomfortable with the idea and your partner isn't willing to see your side, it's best to let them go and you find someone willing to work with you on both your needs, not just theirs.
I had to do a double take here, I thought it said "Wonder Woman".
These guys always crack me up. When they talk about having an open marriage, what they're really saying is they want to screw other women. What they don't normally realize is that women can get willing partners anytime, because - well - men are men! However, the male side might not find it so easy to find willing partners. So an open relationship will ALWAYS benefit the woman more than the man, if she agrees to it. However, having said that, if she doesn't want the open relationship, then let him go, because he WILL have other women, and you'll be left with the STD at some point.
As a poly person myself, it is *not* okay to try and force polyamory into an existing relationship. You can ask to try it, but if your partner says no, then the answer is no. Of course, if you are a polyamorous person and you get into a relationship with someone who isn't, they're allowed to ask you to be monogamous, and you are just as entitled to say no.
Why is she indulging this? If he's asking out of the blue, he's already cheated. Say no and goodbye and go get std tested.
People who want open relationships want to have their cake and eat it too. Don't pretend you want a relationship when all you want is permission to sleep around with impunity. Anyone who agrees to something like that should be prepared for monthly std's and have a team of doctors on speed dial. Even if that doesn't happen, what kind of emotional connection can you have with someone who has divided loyalties. The more "partners" he or she has, the less time they will have for you. You're going to be on the losing end.
Whoa man. There are plenty of people who do make it work. It just requires consent and communication. This guy didn't have any of that. But it's not on you to judge other people's relationships.
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NTA… You did the right thing by walking away from your guy. Someone should know within a year whether or not they want a long-term commitment or marriage. And you invested four, so it’s not surprising that’s heartbreaking. I’ve heard that the sexual fire in relationships lasts 4 years. Also, there’s an exchange of energy in sexual relationships & when sleeping around the person is picking up the energy from other people & bringing it back into the primary relationship. Life is complicated enough without having to deal with a non-monogamous partner.
I have no problem with ultimatums, i think they are an excellent way to get across how important something is for you. I believe they aren't manipulative at all What IS manipulative is ultimatums that aren't actually ultimatums, and what comes after, like the winning here. Those are just threats and gaslighting Say you give an ultimatum about having kids and your wife says no. Excellent, you then get a divorce. Perfect use of an ultimatum that allows both parties to go on to look for what they actually want If you however don't foklow through and proceed to guilt trip her with the ultimatum hanging like a sword of damockes, thats where the fuckery begins
BP attention? What the heck is that? You need a Snickers.
Load More Replies... What else is there to say, other than "safe travels, take care, don't come back"? If she is uncomfortable with it and he insists, he should go. Even if he back paddled I would not be able to trust him, if he tried to force the open relationship before.
Agree, this is just pure manipulation and nothing else. Clearly, he does not love you enough to respect you. So what is the point of continuing any kind of relatiionship with this guy?
Load More Replies... My ex did something like this, he cheated and I found out but stayed because I loved him so he suggested an open relationship. He then got REALLY upset that I was getting all these guys and he wasn't getting any.
With men, they want the double standard. They wanna screw, but can't stand their personal well becoming communal.
Load More Replies... open relationship works for some couples but is not for everyone. if she doesn't want to share then thats that. its not being unreasonable or controlling to expect a normal relationship like it was for the past four years. on the contrary the man giving an ultimatum and then having a tantrum when he doesnt get his way seems way more controlling to me. sooo give him the ultimatum, take the relationship as is or leave it. (on the other hand if he chooses to stay i would never trust him anymore not to cheat since apparently this is very important for him and he feels he has a right to connect with other women).
Yeah, dude doesn't want a genuine open relationship (doubt he could put in the work for one anyway, smh, he seems like the type to only think of his needs, not everyone involved), he's just a controlling toxic user (of people/OP) who wants his cake and eat it too. I feel so sorry for OP..
Load More Replies... When this guy says he wants an “open relationship” he means that he wants to go bang a different supermodel every day while she sits around reading “Twilight” fan fiction, waiting for him to decide when she’s enough to be graced with his presence. What a tool. She’s better off without his sorry @ss.
The moment someone brings something like this up to a monogamous person is the moment to get out. They're in a different mindset and they'll never be compatible.
I mean you don't know maybe your partner will be open to the idea it doesn't hurt to ask, and since our culture basically enforces monogamy every polyamorous person by definition used to be monogamous, and plenty of ppl try it and it works out for them Plus you can by definition only bring this up to a monogamous person because the whole discussion about opening up a relationship presuposes being in a monogamous one But its something that needs to be agreed upon and has rules its not just i do it sans anything and thats it
Load More Replies... Let him go. He won't be missed. If you want an open relationship, it should be discussed before you start a relationship.
The guy's getting his rocks off with someone, or wants to and is demanding that his girlfriend goes along with his "suggestion." Nope, nope, and nope. Hand the rake his hat, coat, and condoms, and tell him to scat. He wants bragging rights at your expense. While you're at it, get yourself tested for every STD in existence; chances are that he's already gone on a few test runs.
Take a look at all the men who want an "open relationship". Now take a look at all the men who would slap "their" woman silly, or any other form of abuse, if another man looked at them, let alone if she looked at another man. Draw the Venn diagram ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venn_diagram ) and leave him. You deserve much better.
Many men who want open relationship aren't like this and there are likewise many women who want open relationships but indeed there are numerous men like this which always made me think how exactly they think the math works out
Load More Replies... He says, "I need to have relationships (emotional and physical) with other people. I need this, and if you truly love me you will support my needs." She thinks, "I need to have a monogamous relationship." But yet she doesn't follow through on the argument he gave, "If you truly love me you will support my needs." ______ Their needs are incompatible. What will help one will harm the other. It is better to draw this relationship to a close to enable them both to pursue relationships that will meet their needs.
The guy is a tool. After FOUR years in a monogamous relationship he suddenly decides he wants an open one?
Load More Replies... He is the one who wants her to change a very common and reasonable boundary and get mad when she doesn't, he's the controlling and pushy one. Hope she tells him that since they're no longer together his input isn't welcome anymore
Doesn't even give her time to sit with it, and immediately puts her up against the firing wall the moment she expresses her feelings.
Load More Replies... "I want to save the relationship" but the relationship is already over. The ultimatum killed it.
Count yourself lucky that this happened before getting married and having kids! Time to move on.
I don't get how she's controlling. He said he wanted it or he'd leave to get it. She said she didn't want it, which implied he was free to leave. Now she's controlling him? No, dude, she's setting you free. Go have all the open relationships you want.
Now you know how he would react any time you disagree with him about anything. NTA, he is a lying manipulator, and you should get away from him.
Good grief, nta. Open relationships are fine for some people and really not okay for others. If you make an ultimatum and it fails, the correct reaction would be to either go through with it or to shut up. You should absolutely not try to manipulate the other person into giving you what you want and that's all the more so with something in which consent is so important. If he doesn't initiate the break up like he threatened then she should.
He's already been cheating on you. GTFO and be done with his sorry a*s. NTA times infinity.
Hell tf no! What?!?!? After 4 years? "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" NTA
I’m sorry, but it’s already over. You probably never even had the relationship you thought you did. The asking is one thing and hints that you may never be on the same page. But the ultimatum and actions after you said No, are flashing red flags. He’s controlling and already cheating. If you did agree, he will flaunt this in your face because he knows it bothers you. And in all likelihood, somehow you will be expected to be just his while yhe does what he wants
An open relationship is only an open relationship if everyone in the relationship is OPEN to that kind of lifestyle. A key ingredient in making it work is constant communication and a willingness to respect one another's feelings. He's bulldozing her from the get-go and SHE'S wondering if she's just supposed to shove her own feelings up her own ask to keep him happy. I hope this is the end for these two. He's not ready for an open relationship either. I hope he has a chance to mature in his understanding and eventually finds what he's looking for... without hurting anyone else the same way he's hurt op. And I hope OP seeks help in learning how to understand and respect her own feelings, needs, and boundaries.
"if you really love me", "you'r controlling and unfair..", "your stiffling his freedom", all of that is basically emotional blackmail. He wants his coockie and eat it too, while he considers you to be the problem for having a perfectly normal reaction to the idea of sharing him. Your values regarding what a relationship should be is rather common, whereass his idea is the untraditinal one, so I think he should have apraoched the subject a lot more gently and humbly instead of putting the blame on you and trying to persuade you by guilttripping you.... and don't ever present an ultimatum if you can't accept it going either way. It sounds like he needs to be set free and see other people, but then he must accept that it comes with the cost of not "having" you in his life anymore. For an open relationship to work, everybody must be in on the idea, and this clearly isn't the case. What the two of you want simply does not seem to be compatible, so I would say that it is time to part.
He wants everything, a mother figure at home and women to fu k on the side. This never works in the men's favor btw. She'll get so many matches on tinder and he'll get jealous.
Ultimatums tend to be a bad thing in a relationship. OP says they've been together for 4 years and he only recently declared he wants permission to cheat, which sounds like he already has his sights set on someone, and is now manipulating her to get what he wants whilst having to avoid anything like guilt or empathy. The guy wants the thrill of the chase with new women when he goes out AND the security and comfort that comes from having a steady partner when he gets home. With such a repellent exploitative attitude, chances are he'll bring something contagious home. My advice is know your self-worth, walk away and find someone for whom you are more than enough. Someone who sees only you in a sea of people.
Two choices 1) get out... He doesn't love enough to respect your limits . 2) be petty like me. Say yes. Start seeing other ppl too, make him pay for almost everything in the house! Wen he asks you for sex . Say, i already had sex today with someone else. Im tired!! And when you find someone that loves you and you love. Dump him!!
Women actually make 1000s of videos a day telling other women to leave if not FULLY happy and he is saying the same thing but with different answers, so weird.
Open relationships are fine -but it's got to be something you're both on board with for it to be successful. If you're uncomfortable with the idea and your partner isn't willing to see your side, it's best to let them go and you find someone willing to work with you on both your needs, not just theirs.
I had to do a double take here, I thought it said "Wonder Woman".
These guys always crack me up. When they talk about having an open marriage, what they're really saying is they want to screw other women. What they don't normally realize is that women can get willing partners anytime, because - well - men are men! However, the male side might not find it so easy to find willing partners. So an open relationship will ALWAYS benefit the woman more than the man, if she agrees to it. However, having said that, if she doesn't want the open relationship, then let him go, because he WILL have other women, and you'll be left with the STD at some point.
As a poly person myself, it is *not* okay to try and force polyamory into an existing relationship. You can ask to try it, but if your partner says no, then the answer is no. Of course, if you are a polyamorous person and you get into a relationship with someone who isn't, they're allowed to ask you to be monogamous, and you are just as entitled to say no.
Why is she indulging this? If he's asking out of the blue, he's already cheated. Say no and goodbye and go get std tested.
People who want open relationships want to have their cake and eat it too. Don't pretend you want a relationship when all you want is permission to sleep around with impunity. Anyone who agrees to something like that should be prepared for monthly std's and have a team of doctors on speed dial. Even if that doesn't happen, what kind of emotional connection can you have with someone who has divided loyalties. The more "partners" he or she has, the less time they will have for you. You're going to be on the losing end.
Whoa man. There are plenty of people who do make it work. It just requires consent and communication. This guy didn't have any of that. But it's not on you to judge other people's relationships.
Load More Replies... NTA… You did the right thing by walking away from your guy. Someone should know within a year whether or not they want a long-term commitment or marriage. And you invested four, so it’s not surprising that’s heartbreaking. I’ve heard that the sexual fire in relationships lasts 4 years. Also, there’s an exchange of energy in sexual relationships & when sleeping around the person is picking up the energy from other people & bringing it back into the primary relationship. Life is complicated enough without having to deal with a non-monogamous partner.
I have no problem with ultimatums, i think they are an excellent way to get across how important something is for you. I believe they aren't manipulative at all What IS manipulative is ultimatums that aren't actually ultimatums, and what comes after, like the winning here. Those are just threats and gaslighting Say you give an ultimatum about having kids and your wife says no. Excellent, you then get a divorce. Perfect use of an ultimatum that allows both parties to go on to look for what they actually want If you however don't foklow through and proceed to guilt trip her with the ultimatum hanging like a sword of damockes, thats where the fuckery begins
BP attention? What the heck is that? You need a Snickers.
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