Family Tired Of Hosting Ungrateful Relatives For Christmas Decide To Cancel, Drama Ensues
Interview With Expert
Ideally, the holiday season would be a time of reflection, relaxation, and being with your loved ones. However, the reality is often different. Unfortunately, anxiety, stress, and frustration are common guests in households around Christmas. Especially if you’re the only one running holiday errands while your relatives are complaining all the time.
So, sometimes you need to put your foot down, say ‘enough is enough,’ and draw some healthy boundaries. That’s exactly what redditor u/Disastrous_Rest1999 did. She turned to the AITA online community to share exactly why she’s not going to be hosting Christmas at her house this year.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about how we can all set healthy boundaries in the face of expectations, as well as how to deal with holiday stress, so we reached out to George Taktak. He is the founder and CEO of ‘How Mental,’ a charity, app, and social media project that touches on important mental health issues. You’ll find the insights that Taktak shared with us below.
The holiday season is meant to be a time of peace and introspection. Unfortunately, for many people, it’s a period of intense stress
Image credits: voronaman111 (not the actual image)
One woman recently shared why she won’t be hosting her extended family for Xmas this year
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
Image credits: Disastrous_Rest1999
We all need to learn to enforce healthy boundaries. We shouldn’t feel guilty about saying ‘no’ from time to time
First things first: positive relationships are massively important, as found by researchers conducting an 80-year Harvard study. The director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, Dr. Robert Waldinger, explained that it’s our close relationships and social connections that are the most important for our happiness and health.
So we have to be proactive in strengthening our relationships with our family and friends. However, the key here is that these connections have to be positive. The entire point is that supportive and nurturing relationships help us weather the stress of daily life.
However, if your current relationships are causing you huge amounts of stress and anxiety, it might be time to rethink them. That might mean (finally) enforcing some healthy boundaries after having those all-important but uncomfortable face-to-face conversations.
Boundaries aren’t just meant for your job or the friends in your life. They’re also magnificently useful in your family life, too. Boundaries set clear expectations and ensure that our kindness and efforts aren’t taken advantage of.
It’s not fair if someone has to shoulder the entire burden of hosting and entertaining their extended family for Christmas, year after year. If someone’s forced to do this, and they’re constantly miserable, then it’s not much of a celebration for them, is it?
At some point, we all need to be brutally honest with ourselves, as well as the people closest to us, about what makes us happy. Spending a week planning the food, cleaning your home, and watching your wallet bleed cash may not be what you want. Especially if nobody seems to be grateful for the effort you put in.
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual image)
The hosts mustn’t feel like they’re forced to cater to the entire family
Yes, there are people out there who love organizing massive family events. But you might not be one of them. You may prefer a quiet dinner by a roaring fire, with only your nearest and dearest. Or you might not want to cook at all and opt for a festive meal at your local fancy restaurant.
There is no ‘wrong’ way to celebrate the holidays, so long as you find joy in what you do. ‘Canceling’ Christmas for a year may be a brilliant move. It’s bound to make your entire extended family consider what this holiday means to them and be more proactive in organizing the event themselves next year. Sometimes, a break from all the rush is exactly what Santa ordered.
According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), almost a third of Americans are more stressed out about the holiday season in 2023 than a year ago, as shopping, travel, and time spent with family members all take their toll.
The biggest sources of anxiety are affording gifts, finding gifts, as well as the cost of the holiday meal. So nobody should ignore the impact of the financial and practical aspects of the holiday season.
Many people feel more stressed than usual when the holidays roll around
If the hosts of the Xmas get-together are left to bear the lion’s share of the organizational burden and the bill, where’s the fairness in all of that? It’s a different story altogether if someone wants to and can afford to do this. It’s another situation entirely when you’re left with chaos, sadness, and empty coffers once everyone leaves the dinner table.
Dr. Howard Liu, from the APA, noted that it helps if we give ourselves self-compassion during the holiday season. “It’s OK to turn down some of those invites if they don’t give us joy. And it’s ok for our house to not look perfect when people come over.”
For 41% of Americans, their stress levels actually increase during the holiday season. While only 7% of people note that they’re more relaxed during this time.
Some other common sources of holiday stress include having too much to do, feeling pressured to make the season somehow special, and family conflict.
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual image)
You are free to decide on what parts of the holiday season resonate with you the most
According to Taktak, the founder of the ‘How Mental’ project, the holiday season sets up a lot of expectations about how people ‘should’ behave. “Buying presents, spending time with family, listening to Mariah Carey at least 300 times a day. People enforce a ‘positive vibes only’ mentality about it and we are subject to major sensory overload on every street corner with carols and lights blinding us from being able to go about our daily routine,” he shared with Bored Panda, adding that even the people at his local supermarket are singing Xmas-themed songs.
“No matter how crazy the rest of the world is, we have to remember that we don’t need to do what they’re doing and there is some beauty to be found in the values behind all this madness. Slowing down and deciding on what parts resonate most with us (if any!) is key,” Taktak explained.
“So, for example, if spending time with family is important to you: focus on that. How can you make the most of your time together? What do you really want to express? You don’t need to go and stay with them for the entire season. See them on Xmas day if that meets your needs!”
The founder of the ‘How Mental’ project urged people to remember their limits during the holidays and why they set them. For instance, it’s possible to enjoy festive food and delicious desserts without going overboard or overindulging. On top of that, Taktak suggests reminding ourselves to look for gratitude in what’s available.
“How you see the world and are able to enjoy it is entirely personal. This is your holiday and you can cry if you want to!! The values of community, gifting love, caring for others, celebration and joy are all totally open to interpretation so don’t be ashamed to do it YOUR way,” he said.
Taktak was also kind enough to walk us through how we can all enforce healthier boundaries. This can be quite difficult to do. Especially when it comes to our relatives. “Sometimes, saying ‘no’ isn’t so simple. It’s easy to feel pressured to say or behave in certain ways. This may include going above and beyond, hosting and cooking huge meals for our entire family. If you’re feeling that pressure right now, it’s important to ask the question: where does this expectation come from? Have your relatives actually asked the question or are we just assuming their needs?”
He pointed out that it’s vital that people ask themselves the question of what would happen if they said ‘no’ to their relatives’ demands. “Do we know for certain what they would say? If not, there’s no harm in asking them a hypothetical question. ‘So, if I weren’t to host everyone this year, what would you guys think about that/what alternatives are there?’ That’s not actually enforcing a boundary and saying ‘no’—that’s just understanding what the reality is behind the expectations and pressure we feel. To understand if it’s assumed or real and to get to the root of it,” the founder of ‘How Mental’ said.
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual image)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing holiday traditions and dynamics if the old ones no longer work
“Once we understand the root of where it’s coming from. It’s easier to see if we have a fundamental disagreement. If there is one, can we raise it in a calm tone and communicate effectively? E.g. ‘Mom, I’m sorry, I’m super burnt-out and don’t feel able to cook for everyone this year. Would you mind doing it? Or, can we just go out for a meal? I don’t want anyone to feel the pressure to host and cook unless they’re really ready to take it on.'”
Taktak noted that it’s essential to be flexible and come up with alternatives for the holiday season. “Sure, tradition may be that you’re used to always doing the same thing. But can everyone be open to the possibility of trying something new? You never know what opportunities that might create! Getting everyone excited and curious about change can really help,” he shared.
“If you have to say ‘no’ and the disagreement is going nowhere, doing our best to de-escalate the situation is key. It’s nothing personal, and no one ‘has to’ do anything. Everyone is just expressing their needs and together, we can find a solution. If no solution is possible, that’s OK too. If there is an argument that’s OK too.”
Taktak opened up to Bored Panda that he had his “fair share of arguments at Xmas” with his relatives, too. “While they can be sad and difficult, the underlying intention of them is to connect more deeply; and our commitment to each other is such that I’ve always seen that result. Even if that means remodeling the relationships themselves.”
He shared a few insights into what this new dynamic could look like. “Maybe we no longer invite that rude uncle or auntie who makes everyone feel down? Maybe no one has to cook? Creating possibility, communicating effectively, and being accepting of change are part of any relationship. This time of year is no exception. It might be hard, but expressing yourself authentically is actually out of love for the people around you because, when you choose to love yourself, you are choosing to love the people around you even better. And that is something you never need to regret!”
The author of the post responded to a lot of people’s comments
Here’s what some other readers had to say about the situation
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I stopped going to to my parents’ house for Xmas in my early 20s as my brother and grandmother ruined it every year. My brother being a selfish prick complaining about everything and my grandmother deliberately starting an argument to no obvious end. Xmas has been pleasant ever since.
NTA. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful people, even if they are fa-a-a-a-mily? Slaving away for others who can't be bothered to show at least a little appreciation, much less lift a finger to help, isn't celebrating the holidays; it's being a slave to the holidays. Time to make new memories with those closest to you, and leave the others to themselves.
I don't understand if you don't get together with people during the year why do you feel compelled to do it for Christmas - the most stressful time of the year. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and contribute and stop giving in to the asinine notion that it's family and you should be doing this. Life is not a Hallmark Movie stop trying to make it one.
But it's about family! I fully agree! That's why I'm protecting my family, as in, my husband and kids, from being steamrolled by ungrateful extended family who make them miserable and tret me like a maid and food service instead of family. But everyone enjoyed it so much at the end. No, not everyone, we don't enjoy it at all and we are family too. But it's not so much hassle as you say. Great, then when shall we arrive at your home since you think it isn't so bad and thus for volunteer to host? But we don't have enough room. Well, you should have thought about that before treating me so disrespectful. But I didn't do anything! Yes, exactly, you didn't do anything to protect and cherish me, so now I'll stop that exploitation myself. We're not hosting this year due to your disrespect for our needs, our joy and our wellbeing. But I did it for years without complaining. I won't allow my family to be exploited for years just because you didn't have the guts to stand up for yourself. No.
I volunteer to work the closing shift on Christmas so I get an excuse to leave my inlaws early, AND get paid extra for holiday time. 😁
NTA, obviously, but JFC. "We've hosted Xmas the past several years, bending over backwards because we're pushovers and everyone acts like is an a*****e every year, we finally got some balls to say we're no longer going to deal with their BS, and everyone responded like a******s about us not hosting anymore. Are we a******s?" If you're turning to the internet for affirmation for your decision and/or advice after all that... Holidays are obviously to be enjoyed. Spend them with the people you love and who love you back, FFS.
Holidays are not, NOT about spending time with your bloodline. It's about spending time and ENJOYING that time with LOVED ONES. Family is often part of that, but very, very often not as well. If you have no family to spend the holidays with (or no family you want to), that is okay. It's why the term found family is becoming popular. Enjoy your time on earth, lord knows life doesn't give a f**k.
Tell the ones who called you an AH "Even if we did host Christmas this year, people who called us names would hardly be allowed to come. And thank you so much for keeping in the spirit of the season"
If "Family" is important, suggest an alternative family activity. "Let's all meet at the park/McDonalds/for bowling/for a family walk on boxing day/27th/28th. Everyone pays for themselves, an we can all catch up and have fun without the stress of having to organise Christmas." If no one wants the burden of hosting Christmas, do something else. You are allowed to say no.
NTA and NOW you have the perfect excuse for not hosting ever again. If I read correctly, you and your husband wanted to take one year off. But got called AH's for this? Seriously? Then come back with, "we simply wanted one year off from hosting" but since we are AH's we have decided that a 'family' that thinks so lowly of us would not want to really be with us out of love, respect and kindness. So we have rethought our decision. We will no longer, ever, host Christmas again and THANK YOU ALL, because calling us such terrible people really clarified how little we mean to all of you. We hope you find another family member that enjoys hosting. Cheers
NTA. We host every year. I do a lot of it; I don't mind. I like the day and the fun and making things special for my nieces and nephews. But I'm injured, leaving more on my arthritic mum this year. She told my older sister she had to actually help (we do a TON of work to make a beautiful Christmas for her and her children) by bringing a few dishes and helping clean up after dinner, etc. Mum was tactful and gentle, but firm that my sister needed to contribute. Instead, she's keeping her kids home (the only grandchildren). So unless she's waited on hand and foot, she won't visit, and she keeps her kids away. That's effing cruel.
NTA. Since when is hosting mandatory? I don't mind hosting the holidays, but our blended family gets along well & I'm retired. There are certain situations in life that one is free to accept, change, or eliminate. Hosting a strained, high maintenance get-together is optional IMO. Sometimes when you take care of yourself you don't look good to certain people &....oh well.
She woke up and realized that toxic family has no place in your life.
You don't have to host ANYTHING if you don't want to. Period. I did it for years (although my family were very appreciative and everybody brought something, I still spent upwards of $200 on a dinner for 8). Which was fine, we always had nice leftovers. Last year we moved to Oregon from San Diego. This is the second Christmas in our new house. I didn't do anything either year - no tree, no decorations except the wreath on the front door. I realized how burnt out I really was from all those years. I'd start decorating the day after Thanksgiving and was usually just finished the day before we all got together (usually about the 3rd week of December). It's okay to take a pass. You don't OWE anyone your time, energy, money or hosting responsibilities.
Went to my bros house for holidays. His in-laws were awful. Know what I remember? Fights, storming out, crying, finishing the dinner because SIL was hiding in bedroom because of fights. Those kids will fondly remember no drama Christmases, not the high tension, whiny, complaining ones.
NTA whatsoever. We always hosted which was a lot of work but now we alternate and everyone contributes with drink and food and it's been so less stressful for everyone. Plus anyone who has dietary needs bring something that suits them so there's no stress on the host. Even the kids chip in to make stuff which they love doing. I had to work this year but I still made a few dishes that I knew people liked and it was really appreciated.
I noticed that OP wrote, that they don't want to spend the money on going to a restaurant, but it seems to me, that they don't mind spending OP's money. NTA
Actually, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, which is the beginning of all the Christian religions. Beyond and besides that, it's about peace on Earth, good will toward men. Family only enters into it if you want them to, not because you're guilted or beaten over the head with "what Christmas is about ".
I went no contact with most of my immediate family and it's been wonderful. My children are old enough to visit them without me being there, which works for everyone. This is the first year that I didn't have to cook a huge meal and it was lovely.
I maintain that if any other institution or group did what families too often do to their members they would be banned or put out of business. That gang of ungrateful free loaders FAFOed. Good on her for putting her foot right thru the floor.
I haven't had the same exact experience but something similar I suppose. My husband's parents were divorced by the time he and I got married so we already had two separate Christmas parties to go to as it was. But it was my mother-in-law's that irked me the most and that is being gentle about it. Every year on Christmas Eve my mother-in-law's brother would host the entire side of that family at his home over an hour away from hours. Because of that we always just counted his Christmas gathering as my mother-in-law's get together as well. We would all show up there for dinner at 6:00 p.m. which we never started eating till near 8:00 and remember this is over an hour away from our home. On Christmas Eve. When we had very young children still. I was growing sick and tired more each year of having to make that trip then go back home, usually well past midnight when we left to head home, then arrive home and put the kids to bed and then wrap all the presents. By the time we had everything..
Sorry about you losing your hubby. So glad you were able to start your own tradition, making fond memories to cherish.
Load More Replies...
I stopped making big meals for family after a couple of disastrous dinners. It’s very sad that people can’t behave themselves and be appreciative of the time, effort and money that goes into hosting. You don’t have to feel obligated to make the holidays special for other people.
So you and your family should have a bad time at Christmas so others can have an event they don’t eve seem to enjoy? Spend your time, money and energy on other things.
Recommendation: make house dirty and claim no one would YOU clean. Serve storebrand Mac and cheese and chicken tenders (buy frozen enmass). Say you just didn't have the time this year to make a full meal, but wanted at least to socialize with family
Best advice i ever received before hosting, tidy but don't clean. Within minutes any mopping and vacuuming has become pointless. Tidy before, clean after. Potluck and assign dishes and quantity to people. Have plastic bags for them to bring dirty serving dishes back home in or they wash them themselves.
If James knew you had a dog and knew of Sylvia's fear, James should be making other housing arrangements to accommodate Sylvia's fear of large dogs, not you.
You seem to me old enough to know that this Spirit is created in the interaction of the people coming together. You cannot do this on your own. It looks as if you and your husband are the only ones to have the "Christmas Spirit". You took the right decision not to host this Christmas and you have set a proper reference for your children in the future. They also need to learn where to draw a line!
I stopped going to to my parents’ house for Xmas in my early 20s as my brother and grandmother ruined it every year. My brother being a selfish prick complaining about everything and my grandmother deliberately starting an argument to no obvious end. Xmas has been pleasant ever since.
NTA. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful people, even if they are fa-a-a-a-mily? Slaving away for others who can't be bothered to show at least a little appreciation, much less lift a finger to help, isn't celebrating the holidays; it's being a slave to the holidays. Time to make new memories with those closest to you, and leave the others to themselves.
I don't understand if you don't get together with people during the year why do you feel compelled to do it for Christmas - the most stressful time of the year. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good and contribute and stop giving in to the asinine notion that it's family and you should be doing this. Life is not a Hallmark Movie stop trying to make it one.
But it's about family! I fully agree! That's why I'm protecting my family, as in, my husband and kids, from being steamrolled by ungrateful extended family who make them miserable and tret me like a maid and food service instead of family. But everyone enjoyed it so much at the end. No, not everyone, we don't enjoy it at all and we are family too. But it's not so much hassle as you say. Great, then when shall we arrive at your home since you think it isn't so bad and thus for volunteer to host? But we don't have enough room. Well, you should have thought about that before treating me so disrespectful. But I didn't do anything! Yes, exactly, you didn't do anything to protect and cherish me, so now I'll stop that exploitation myself. We're not hosting this year due to your disrespect for our needs, our joy and our wellbeing. But I did it for years without complaining. I won't allow my family to be exploited for years just because you didn't have the guts to stand up for yourself. No.
I volunteer to work the closing shift on Christmas so I get an excuse to leave my inlaws early, AND get paid extra for holiday time. 😁
NTA, obviously, but JFC. "We've hosted Xmas the past several years, bending over backwards because we're pushovers and everyone acts like is an a*****e every year, we finally got some balls to say we're no longer going to deal with their BS, and everyone responded like a******s about us not hosting anymore. Are we a******s?" If you're turning to the internet for affirmation for your decision and/or advice after all that... Holidays are obviously to be enjoyed. Spend them with the people you love and who love you back, FFS.
Holidays are not, NOT about spending time with your bloodline. It's about spending time and ENJOYING that time with LOVED ONES. Family is often part of that, but very, very often not as well. If you have no family to spend the holidays with (or no family you want to), that is okay. It's why the term found family is becoming popular. Enjoy your time on earth, lord knows life doesn't give a f**k.
Tell the ones who called you an AH "Even if we did host Christmas this year, people who called us names would hardly be allowed to come. And thank you so much for keeping in the spirit of the season"
If "Family" is important, suggest an alternative family activity. "Let's all meet at the park/McDonalds/for bowling/for a family walk on boxing day/27th/28th. Everyone pays for themselves, an we can all catch up and have fun without the stress of having to organise Christmas." If no one wants the burden of hosting Christmas, do something else. You are allowed to say no.
NTA and NOW you have the perfect excuse for not hosting ever again. If I read correctly, you and your husband wanted to take one year off. But got called AH's for this? Seriously? Then come back with, "we simply wanted one year off from hosting" but since we are AH's we have decided that a 'family' that thinks so lowly of us would not want to really be with us out of love, respect and kindness. So we have rethought our decision. We will no longer, ever, host Christmas again and THANK YOU ALL, because calling us such terrible people really clarified how little we mean to all of you. We hope you find another family member that enjoys hosting. Cheers
NTA. We host every year. I do a lot of it; I don't mind. I like the day and the fun and making things special for my nieces and nephews. But I'm injured, leaving more on my arthritic mum this year. She told my older sister she had to actually help (we do a TON of work to make a beautiful Christmas for her and her children) by bringing a few dishes and helping clean up after dinner, etc. Mum was tactful and gentle, but firm that my sister needed to contribute. Instead, she's keeping her kids home (the only grandchildren). So unless she's waited on hand and foot, she won't visit, and she keeps her kids away. That's effing cruel.
NTA. Since when is hosting mandatory? I don't mind hosting the holidays, but our blended family gets along well & I'm retired. There are certain situations in life that one is free to accept, change, or eliminate. Hosting a strained, high maintenance get-together is optional IMO. Sometimes when you take care of yourself you don't look good to certain people &....oh well.
She woke up and realized that toxic family has no place in your life.
You don't have to host ANYTHING if you don't want to. Period. I did it for years (although my family were very appreciative and everybody brought something, I still spent upwards of $200 on a dinner for 8). Which was fine, we always had nice leftovers. Last year we moved to Oregon from San Diego. This is the second Christmas in our new house. I didn't do anything either year - no tree, no decorations except the wreath on the front door. I realized how burnt out I really was from all those years. I'd start decorating the day after Thanksgiving and was usually just finished the day before we all got together (usually about the 3rd week of December). It's okay to take a pass. You don't OWE anyone your time, energy, money or hosting responsibilities.
Went to my bros house for holidays. His in-laws were awful. Know what I remember? Fights, storming out, crying, finishing the dinner because SIL was hiding in bedroom because of fights. Those kids will fondly remember no drama Christmases, not the high tension, whiny, complaining ones.
NTA whatsoever. We always hosted which was a lot of work but now we alternate and everyone contributes with drink and food and it's been so less stressful for everyone. Plus anyone who has dietary needs bring something that suits them so there's no stress on the host. Even the kids chip in to make stuff which they love doing. I had to work this year but I still made a few dishes that I knew people liked and it was really appreciated.
I noticed that OP wrote, that they don't want to spend the money on going to a restaurant, but it seems to me, that they don't mind spending OP's money. NTA
Actually, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus of Nazareth, which is the beginning of all the Christian religions. Beyond and besides that, it's about peace on Earth, good will toward men. Family only enters into it if you want them to, not because you're guilted or beaten over the head with "what Christmas is about ".
I went no contact with most of my immediate family and it's been wonderful. My children are old enough to visit them without me being there, which works for everyone. This is the first year that I didn't have to cook a huge meal and it was lovely.
I maintain that if any other institution or group did what families too often do to their members they would be banned or put out of business. That gang of ungrateful free loaders FAFOed. Good on her for putting her foot right thru the floor.
I haven't had the same exact experience but something similar I suppose. My husband's parents were divorced by the time he and I got married so we already had two separate Christmas parties to go to as it was. But it was my mother-in-law's that irked me the most and that is being gentle about it. Every year on Christmas Eve my mother-in-law's brother would host the entire side of that family at his home over an hour away from hours. Because of that we always just counted his Christmas gathering as my mother-in-law's get together as well. We would all show up there for dinner at 6:00 p.m. which we never started eating till near 8:00 and remember this is over an hour away from our home. On Christmas Eve. When we had very young children still. I was growing sick and tired more each year of having to make that trip then go back home, usually well past midnight when we left to head home, then arrive home and put the kids to bed and then wrap all the presents. By the time we had everything..
Sorry about you losing your hubby. So glad you were able to start your own tradition, making fond memories to cherish.
Load More Replies... I stopped making big meals for family after a couple of disastrous dinners. It’s very sad that people can’t behave themselves and be appreciative of the time, effort and money that goes into hosting. You don’t have to feel obligated to make the holidays special for other people.
So you and your family should have a bad time at Christmas so others can have an event they don’t eve seem to enjoy? Spend your time, money and energy on other things.
Recommendation: make house dirty and claim no one would YOU clean. Serve storebrand Mac and cheese and chicken tenders (buy frozen enmass). Say you just didn't have the time this year to make a full meal, but wanted at least to socialize with family
Best advice i ever received before hosting, tidy but don't clean. Within minutes any mopping and vacuuming has become pointless. Tidy before, clean after. Potluck and assign dishes and quantity to people. Have plastic bags for them to bring dirty serving dishes back home in or they wash them themselves.
If James knew you had a dog and knew of Sylvia's fear, James should be making other housing arrangements to accommodate Sylvia's fear of large dogs, not you.
You seem to me old enough to know that this Spirit is created in the interaction of the people coming together. You cannot do this on your own. It looks as if you and your husband are the only ones to have the "Christmas Spirit". You took the right decision not to host this Christmas and you have set a proper reference for your children in the future. They also need to learn where to draw a line!
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