Family Tired Of Hosting Ungrateful Relatives For Christmas Decide To Cancel, Drama Ensues
Interview With Expert
Ideally, the holiday season would be a time of reflection, relaxation, and being with your loved ones. However, the reality is often different. Unfortunately, anxiety, stress, and frustration are common guests in households around Christmas. Especially if you’re the only one running holiday errands while your relatives are complaining all the time.
So, sometimes you need to put your foot down, say ‘enough is enough,’ and draw some healthy boundaries. That’s exactly what redditor u/Disastrous_Rest1999 did. She turned to the AITA online community to share exactly why she’s not going to be hosting Christmas at her house this year.
Bored Panda wanted to learn more about how we can all set healthy boundaries in the face of expectations, as well as how to deal with holiday stress, so we reached out to George Taktak. He is the founder and CEO of ‘How Mental,’ a charity, app, and social media project that touches on important mental health issues. You’ll find the insights that Taktak shared with us below.
The holiday season is meant to be a time of peace and introspection. Unfortunately, for many people, it’s a period of intense stress
Image credits: voronaman111 (not the actual image)
One woman recently shared why she won’t be hosting her extended family for Xmas this year
Image credits: cottonbro studio (not the actual image)
Image credits: Disastrous_Rest1999
We all need to learn to enforce healthy boundaries. We shouldn’t feel guilty about saying ‘no’ from time to time
First things first: positive relationships are massively important, as found by researchers conducting an 80-year Harvard study. The director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, Dr. Robert Waldinger, explained that it’s our close relationships and social connections that are the most important for our happiness and health.
So we have to be proactive in strengthening our relationships with our family and friends. However, the key here is that these connections have to be positive. The entire point is that supportive and nurturing relationships help us weather the stress of daily life.
However, if your current relationships are causing you huge amounts of stress and anxiety, it might be time to rethink them. That might mean (finally) enforcing some healthy boundaries after having those all-important but uncomfortable face-to-face conversations.
Boundaries aren’t just meant for your job or the friends in your life. They’re also magnificently useful in your family life, too. Boundaries set clear expectations and ensure that our kindness and efforts aren’t taken advantage of.
It’s not fair if someone has to shoulder the entire burden of hosting and entertaining their extended family for Christmas, year after year. If someone’s forced to do this, and they’re constantly miserable, then it’s not much of a celebration for them, is it?
At some point, we all need to be brutally honest with ourselves, as well as the people closest to us, about what makes us happy. Spending a week planning the food, cleaning your home, and watching your wallet bleed cash may not be what you want. Especially if nobody seems to be grateful for the effort you put in.
Image credits: SHVETS production (not the actual image)
The hosts mustn’t feel like they’re forced to cater to the entire family
Yes, there are people out there who love organizing massive family events. But you might not be one of them. You may prefer a quiet dinner by a roaring fire, with only your nearest and dearest. Or you might not want to cook at all and opt for a festive meal at your local fancy restaurant.
There is no ‘wrong’ way to celebrate the holidays, so long as you find joy in what you do. ‘Canceling’ Christmas for a year may be a brilliant move. It’s bound to make your entire extended family consider what this holiday means to them and be more proactive in organizing the event themselves next year. Sometimes, a break from all the rush is exactly what Santa ordered.
According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), almost a third of Americans are more stressed out about the holiday season in 2023 than a year ago, as shopping, travel, and time spent with family members all take their toll.
The biggest sources of anxiety are affording gifts, finding gifts, as well as the cost of the holiday meal. So nobody should ignore the impact of the financial and practical aspects of the holiday season.
Many people feel more stressed than usual when the holidays roll around
If the hosts of the Xmas get-together are left to bear the lion’s share of the organizational burden and the bill, where’s the fairness in all of that? It’s a different story altogether if someone wants to and can afford to do this. It’s another situation entirely when you’re left with chaos, sadness, and empty coffers once everyone leaves the dinner table.
Dr. Howard Liu, from the APA, noted that it helps if we give ourselves self-compassion during the holiday season. “It’s OK to turn down some of those invites if they don’t give us joy. And it’s ok for our house to not look perfect when people come over.”
For 41% of Americans, their stress levels actually increase during the holiday season. While only 7% of people note that they’re more relaxed during this time.
Some other common sources of holiday stress include having too much to do, feeling pressured to make the season somehow special, and family conflict.
Image credits: Nicole Michalou (not the actual image)
You are free to decide on what parts of the holiday season resonate with you the most
According to Taktak, the founder of the ‘How Mental’ project, the holiday season sets up a lot of expectations about how people ‘should’ behave. “Buying presents, spending time with family, listening to Mariah Carey at least 300 times a day. People enforce a ‘positive vibes only’ mentality about it and we are subject to major sensory overload on every street corner with carols and lights blinding us from being able to go about our daily routine,” he shared with Bored Panda, adding that even the people at his local supermarket are singing Xmas-themed songs.
“No matter how crazy the rest of the world is, we have to remember that we don’t need to do what they’re doing and there is some beauty to be found in the values behind all this madness. Slowing down and deciding on what parts resonate most with us (if any!) is key,” Taktak explained.
“So, for example, if spending time with family is important to you: focus on that. How can you make the most of your time together? What do you really want to express? You don’t need to go and stay with them for the entire season. See them on Xmas day if that meets your needs!”
The founder of the ‘How Mental’ project urged people to remember their limits during the holidays and why they set them. For instance, it’s possible to enjoy festive food and delicious desserts without going overboard or overindulging. On top of that, Taktak suggests reminding ourselves to look for gratitude in what’s available.
“How you see the world and are able to enjoy it is entirely personal. This is your holiday and you can cry if you want to!! The values of community, gifting love, caring for others, celebration and joy are all totally open to interpretation so don’t be ashamed to do it YOUR way,” he said.
Taktak was also kind enough to walk us through how we can all enforce healthier boundaries. This can be quite difficult to do. Especially when it comes to our relatives. “Sometimes, saying ‘no’ isn’t so simple. It’s easy to feel pressured to say or behave in certain ways. This may include going above and beyond, hosting and cooking huge meals for our entire family. If you’re feeling that pressure right now, it’s important to ask the question: where does this expectation come from? Have your relatives actually asked the question or are we just assuming their needs?”
He pointed out that it’s vital that people ask themselves the question of what would happen if they said ‘no’ to their relatives’ demands. “Do we know for certain what they would say? If not, there’s no harm in asking them a hypothetical question. ‘So, if I weren’t to host everyone this year, what would you guys think about that/what alternatives are there?’ That’s not actually enforcing a boundary and saying ‘no’—that’s just understanding what the reality is behind the expectations and pressure we feel. To understand if it’s assumed or real and to get to the root of it,” the founder of ‘How Mental’ said.
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual image)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing holiday traditions and dynamics if the old ones no longer work
“Once we understand the root of where it’s coming from. It’s easier to see if we have a fundamental disagreement. If there is one, can we raise it in a calm tone and communicate effectively? E.g. ‘Mom, I’m sorry, I’m super burnt-out and don’t feel able to cook for everyone this year. Would you mind doing it? Or, can we just go out for a meal? I don’t want anyone to feel the pressure to host and cook unless they’re really ready to take it on.'”
Taktak noted that it’s essential to be flexible and come up with alternatives for the holiday season. “Sure, tradition may be that you’re used to always doing the same thing. But can everyone be open to the possibility of trying something new? You never know what opportunities that might create! Getting everyone excited and curious about change can really help,” he shared.
“If you have to say ‘no’ and the disagreement is going nowhere, doing our best to de-escalate the situation is key. It’s nothing personal, and no one ‘has to’ do anything. Everyone is just expressing their needs and together, we can find a solution. If no solution is possible, that’s OK too. If there is an argument that’s OK too.”
Taktak opened up to Bored Panda that he had his “fair share of arguments at Xmas” with his relatives, too. “While they can be sad and difficult, the underlying intention of them is to connect more deeply; and our commitment to each other is such that I’ve always seen that result. Even if that means remodeling the relationships themselves.”
He shared a few insights into what this new dynamic could look like. “Maybe we no longer invite that rude uncle or auntie who makes everyone feel down? Maybe no one has to cook? Creating possibility, communicating effectively, and being accepting of change are part of any relationship. This time of year is no exception. It might be hard, but expressing yourself authentically is actually out of love for the people around you because, when you choose to love yourself, you are choosing to love the people around you even better. And that is something you never need to regret!”
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I stopped going to to my parents’ house for Xmas in my early 20s as my brother and grandmother ruined it every year. My brother being a selfish prick complaining about everything and my grandmother deliberately starting an argument to no obvious end. Xmas has been pleasant ever since.
NTA. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful people, even if they are fa-a-a-a-mily? Slaving away for others who can't be bothered to show at least a little appreciation, much less lift a finger to help, isn't celebrating the holidays; it's being a slave to the holidays. Time to make new memories with those closest to you, and leave the others to themselves.
I stopped going to to my parents’ house for Xmas in my early 20s as my brother and grandmother ruined it every year. My brother being a selfish prick complaining about everything and my grandmother deliberately starting an argument to no obvious end. Xmas has been pleasant ever since.
NTA. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful people, even if they are fa-a-a-a-mily? Slaving away for others who can't be bothered to show at least a little appreciation, much less lift a finger to help, isn't celebrating the holidays; it's being a slave to the holidays. Time to make new memories with those closest to you, and leave the others to themselves.
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