In general, people just looooove giving advice. Including me, I’m not ashamed to admit it. However, with times changing, some of the popular advice ceases to comply with a modern outlook, goes sour, and finally turns into pieces of really toxic self-care advice. Now, we cannot promise to shield you from the toxic advice that’s floating out there in the wilderness of the internet, but here’s what we can do - gather the bad advice that people have caught around, put as much of it as we can in one place (e.g., this article), and then present it as a cautionary tale. Most of this self-care advice gone sour comes from an excellent Reddit thread, so you can be quite sure that their being here is collective thinking.
Now, you might’ve never thought of it, but even such simple advice on self-care as the legendary ‘just be yourself’ is not really good advice. And here’s why - it works only if you’re a decent person, but it doesn’t do you any good if you need to do some personal growth. See? It’s so easy to get lost in the world of bad advice shared on the internet! Thankfully, the Reddit people caught these useless pieces and shared them with the rest of us so we could take a look at them from a fresh perspective (and, in some cases, stop giving them to other people!).
Now, this might not be a really pleasant list - after all, it’s all about toxic self-care advice - but it’s an educational one nonetheless. So, scroll down below whenever you’re ready to delve deep into the world of bad advice and check out the submissions. Rank the notions if you feel like it, and show this insightful list to your friends, too.
This post may include affiliate links.
"If you can't love yourself, how are you going to love anybody else?"
"I love my girlfriend, I love my friends, I love my family, I love my cat. Still don't love myself! But that doesn't make my love for others any less meaningful!"
"This is a cure, (shows a picture of the woods), this is poison, (shows some antidepressants). Shut the f*ck up, some people need antidepressants to function. Going for a walk in the woods will not just magically cure your depression."
The antidepressants help me get the motivation to get up and take a walk in the woods.
"Happiness is a choice."
"Damn, I must be choosing depression then I guess."
It should be legal for any person with depression to throat punch any clueless as$wipe that says this to them.
"People have it worse than you."
"That may be true but that doesn't invalidate your emotions."
"If people don’t like you for who are, that’s their problem."
"No, sometimes you’re a jerk. 9/10 the common denominator rule stands."
GozerDGozerian replied: "My dads version of this was, 'If everywhere you go smells like dog sh*t, it’s probably on your shoe.'
"If they can't handle my worst, they don't deserve my best."
"Funny how those people are always at their 'worst.'"
If you at your worst aren't at least close to civil, YOU don't deserve THEM.
"Find a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."
"First of all, even a job you love is going to suck... often. That's why they pay you to do it. This advice leaves you feeling like a failure whenever you have a bad day at work. Plus, there's a lot of value in working for a living and finding your satisfaction at a more personal level."
I think the meaning behind this is to find what you love and find a way to turn your passion into income
"The whole 'blood is thicker than water' advice where you should feel obligated to be loyal to your family no matter what. If they are toxic or abusive then there is no reason for you to keep that around in your life, especially if it is detrimental to your own well-being/mental health."
I HATE when tv shows end with a "and you have to forgive them because FAMILY" moment. No. Just no. This is not only bad advice, it can be absolutely dangerous as well. Family is not a free pass. Forgiveness has to be earned, even from family.
"Anything is possible if you work hard enough."
"No! Not everything is possible. You’re not going to be the new Nelson Mandela, the president of the USA, or the new pop artist. I’m sorry to tell you but it’s true."
Hard word begats more hard work. If you think it paid off, there's a 90% chance Life is pulling a fake-out on you and your reward was temporary. Now get back to working hard for more of those "rewards".
"Guilt is a wasted emotion."
"Pretty sure it was Wayne Dyer who published this nonsense in the 80s. Having at least some guilt is a good sign that you're not a psychopath."
"You should forgive/love all people."
"Nope. There are people who have committed irrevocably awful things, and I choose not to forgive them, ever."
We are meant to forgive others for our own benefit and peace. I wish more people would understand this. Forgiveness sets us free and will heal one's heart. Otherwise, bitterness and resentment sets in and it will only hold the victim back, not the abuser. Forgiveness is one of the hardest feelings to master but it's one of the most rewarding and freeing one as well.
"Why are you sad? You have everything to be happy."
"Even if there are few happy things in your life you don’t need to be ashamed to feel sad or depressed."
"There's no wrong way to parent."
"As a child of abuse, there are absolutely wrong ways to parent. Frankly, I'm of the opinion that the majority of chronic mental illnesses are the result of bad parenting practices because wrong parenting can f*ck up every body system.
Every parent should consult a child psych professional just like they consult a pediatrician about their child's wellbeing. They're professionals who have the education to read research studies regarding child development and can direct a parent on how to raise a healthy child."
"Any kind of advice that tells you to test friendships by withholding contact to see if they'll notice or straight up tells you to drop friends that don't reach out to you regularly. This is a very selfish and passive-aggressive thing to do. If you miss your friend then call them up, don't play cat and mouse games. Maybe they have s*it going on in their lives, the world does not revolve around you."
I have ADHD and my friends have busy lives - sometimes we don't talk for a couple of weeks because work and life get in the way. It happens.
"You have to love yourself before someone else will love you."
"I can say from experience that sometimes you need someone else to love you first. There was a time when my girlfriend saw value in me before I saw it in myself."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201001/you-dont-need-love-yourself-first
"Don’t go to sleep while angry at your partner."
"Such stupid advice. The longer you stay awake the more tired and irritable you get, and the fight will get worse. It’s like trying to dig yourself out of a hole.
Many times my wife and I have been in bad arguments late at night, and then we just go to sleep and after a good night's rest we talk it out and realize that we were just both in bad moods because we were tired."
It's never let the sun go down on your anger, personally I would sleep better knowing an issue had been resolved and that tomorrow was going to be a new day.
"Follow your heart."
"Honestly, this statement almost never works. Sometimes love can be toxic, and maybe the correct decision is painful. Maybe it pains you to leave someone. Your heart shouldn’t rule you."
"Stop looking for love and it will come to you."
Maybe that works if you're naturally attractive and naturally interested in things that enhance your attractiveness (working out, makeup, fashion, whatever). But if you're a shy, introverted person of average-to-below attractiveness... this is good advice to stay sad and alone forever."
If you aren't looking for love, you fall into the oblivious state where you don't notice that people are attracted to you and actually flirting with you. I know that I friend zoned so many girls just because I was working on myself, and wasn't looking. Then two years roll by and I'm happy with me, and the realization comes that chicks were hitting on me! I was just so oblivious because I wasn't looking for love. If you aren't looking for something, you won't notice it.
"The 'how not to give a f*ck' nonsense. I agree, don't give a f*ck what people think if you enjoy a certain type of music. But do give a f*ck about how your actions affect other people. Unfortunately, it seems that many people just take it to mean don't care that you might hurt other people. In order to self-care and self-love, it is important to consider what consequences your actions have on the world around you."
"That 'self-care' is just pampering yourself and relaxing. Real self-care is hard work. Cutting out bad habits, reducing causes of stress, ending bad relationships, etc."
"Money can’t buy happiness."
"Maybe not but it really helps with the will to live. Without the means to live, there’s no real will to live. Baseline, everyone should have the means to live."
"'Man up', 'keep it together', or 'be strong' when you’re either in pain or on the verge of tears for different reasons as if crying is a sin when you’re a guy."
The manliest thing you can do is to not care if other people think you are manly or not.
"Ignoring your issues/pain/negative emotions for the sake of 'positivity.' Sometimes life sucks, and it's OK to feel that and work through it. Being happy all the time is impossible, so trying to be will only break you."
Toxic positivity is a thing. You gotta let yourself feel and process emotions or else they just bottle up until they explode
"No one can hurt your feelings without your permission."
"If someone I care about says something offside, OF COURSE, I will consider it truth until I prove otherwise. That's just respect.
I'm not going to blindly assume everyone is wrong if they say something that hurts.
I think that advice is trying to turn people into sociopaths."
That statement is toxic for one simple reason: no one, and I mean it! No. One. controls their feelings. Feelings just are. You can't stop feeling a certain way and you can't make yourself feeling a certain way. Feelings are the reaction to the world. But we can control our reactions to our feelings. And we must look at them and ask ourselves why we feel that way before we act. People can and will hirt our feelings. There's nothing we can do about that. But we can and must decide what to do about that and weigh our options. Feelings are facts. But that doesn't mean they have to rule our lives. And it doesn't change another fact: everyone is responsible for their own actions and their own life. You are the only person able to understand your feelings. And you are the only person able to manage them by choosing appropriate consequences.
"If a disabled person can do this, what’s YOUR excuse?"
"There are many valid reasons someone might not want/be able to do something. And, you know, that statement just makes a disabled person’s accomplishment into someone else’s lesson. Keep that inspiration to yourself. (That’s not to say you can’t feel inspired by disabled people, but don’t make their skills all about you)."
"Positive vibes only."
"You just need to stay positive - people use it because they think it's uplifting but it's actually quite dismissive. Often people say it when people voice sadness, frustration, emotional fatigue, anger - basically any other emotion but happiness. A positive attitude can get you a long way but so can acknowledging and letting yourself/others feel emotions."
"It's not really advice, but it's popular for people to label themselves as 'brutally honest.' Honesty is good but beware of people who are more interested in brutality than honesty."
girlnumber_three replied: I once read something that said “honesty without kindness is cruelty,” and I think about that a lot when I’m deciding whether or not to say something.
People who claim to be brutally honest are more interested in being brutal than honest.
"Cut out anyone who doesn't add value."
"Such a 'I'm the main character' mindset. Not everyone around you will add direct value to your life but they certainly contribute to your environment and may have a bigger role in your life one day. Burning bridges just for the sake of it is silly."
I would comment on this, but someone is downvoting EVERYTHING in this listicle.
"Anything about living life with 'no regrets.' You know who actually has no regrets? Someone with an anti-social personality disorder. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes and being self-reflective."
I think there's a difference between regrets and being self-reflective. I don't regret the mistakes I made in my 20s, despite the damage they caused. I do recognize that if I hadn't made them, I would likely have never learned that I'm a worthy person.
"You're always gonna be the villain in someone's story."
"But if that keeps happening over and over again, maybe you should take a step back and ask yourself why that is."
"OMG, as a woman, I feel like stuff like face masks and pedicures, manicures, etc., is constantly pushed on us as 'self-care' to the point where you almost get conditioned or peer-pressured into believing it is, even if you don’t genuinely enjoy it. Like, I know some women do, but honestly, it took me a while to realize I freaking hate getting my hair done, boring skin masks feel like a chore, and I hate getting my nails done. I think a lot of women feel similar to me, but it’s just this culture's go-to 'treat' for a woman. Most of it is really boring and tedious and kinda like going to the dentist."
Same for the Mary Kay "treat yourself like a queen". That stuff is ridiculously expensive and buying it would stress me out.
"Ignore the haters."
"Sometimes the 'haters' are people who love you and want to warn you of potential pitfalls (such as MLMs, cults, abusive relationships, etc)."
"If it's meant to be..."
"Bulls*it. Nothing is 'meant' to be. The world is full of people that are 'supposed to be together' or not living the life they should have/could have, or not doing the thing they were 'made to do.'
Things flourish or fall apart mostly due to your behavior and your choices. You can totally f*ck up a good thing that is perfect for you.
Act accordingly."
Somethings are meant to be... All of my cats are cats that picked me. They were never the cat that I wanted, but they chose me so I took them home. All of them so loving, sometimes clingy, but great cats. However, my best example of something " meant to be" is the woman I'm going to marry! We met on Tinder, when she was traveling. We both must have been on the app at the same time when she was at the airport, waiting for her flight home. It was love at first sight for me, but she actually lives in South America. We started talking everyday and we fell in love. She comes to visit and stays as long as her tourist visa allows. When she's in her home country we talk every day. She's the most beautiful girl, and my best friend, so I know it's going to last. I know that it was "meant to be"!
"Retail therapy. Doesn’t make sense to go buy yourself a bunch of stuff if you’re gonna stress about money later."
"If you're the one who's always reaching out and making plans, are they really your friend?"
"If plans are getting made and followed through on, then yes. Some people have anxiety that makes it difficult for them to reach out, and those people don't deserve to be cut off just because of that.
Now, if you're always trying to make plans with someone and they don't respond, can't make it but don't suggest any alternative date/time, or cancel at the last minute - at that point, it might be worth having a conversation with them or re-evaluating things. But it's fine to just be the one who asks other people if they want to hang out."
No matter why some people never start planning, sometimes it's better to find someone else who at least makes an attempt now and then. It's burdensome and tiring to be the one who always carries the relationship and definitely not working out long term. No matter why, if someone never initiates anything and never takes responsibility to the point it gets tiring, cut them out. Your life will be better without them. I get your anxiety and you have my heartfelt sympathy. But it's still your responsibility to deal with that and work on it. If you can't ever contact me or make a plan for us, and don't work on that because me shouldering all the maintenance is working out for you, then you're not a good friend. You're a burden. Is it fair that you have anxiety and miss out of things because of that? No. But it's also unfair to expect others to bear the burden of your problem and make things work. They have their own problems too, and you can't expect them to always take care of yours.
"Opposites attract."
"Maybe, but people with shared interests and values stay together."
I think this works if you're opposites on a superficial level - different hobbies, different preferences. You need to agree on the core/important matters to have longevity.
"Astrology? I'm glad it gives you comfort but if you start basing life decisions on the effects of the stars, you're probably going to have a bad time."
"You should never feel bad or uncomfortable."
"How do you ever learn and grow?"
"Encouraging plastic surgery. Our society is so geared towards having women look a certain way. I fell into that mindset, got plastic surgery, and could have lost my life. Thankfully I was able to have it reversed, but am still paying for it years later. It’s so much more dangerous than people think."
"All that matters is that you are happy."
"No, that is inaccurate. Your happiness is important but it is not the most important or only thing in the world that matters. Sometimes we sacrifice our 'happiness' to give someone else a taste of their own happiness and oftentimes will end up bringing you joy or satisfaction as well. Only caring about your own happiness is called narcissism."
"Be who you are."
"Is only good advice if you're a good person."
Antnee83 replied: "A lot of people take this to mean that literally anything and everything about yourself is above criticism, and yeah its super effing toxic. It's basically, 'Don't improve yourself.'"
"Stop texting people first to see who your friends are."
"What if they're doing the same thing and you just ended a friendship due to a misunderstanding?"
wonkyboys replied: "Any form of testing your relationships like that is basically heading towards abuse territory. Imagine if a guy decided to stop responding to his girlfriend to see if she loves him enough. Yeah no."
"That you should expect unconditional support love and acceptance from friends or romantic partners. Popular idea, but if people really care they will tell you when you are harming yourself or others rather than just keep the vibe chill."
People who criticise that should read what unconditional love means. Yes loving someone should always be unconditional, otherwise it's not love at all anyways. But love doesn't mean anymore that love. You can love someone unconditionally and still disagree with them or deny them something. Loving someone doesn't mean to do everything they want. If someone you love does something bad, exposing them is not a sign that you don't love them. Everyone has to bear the consequences of their own actions, and loving them doesn't make you responsible for what they do or result in any obligations to protect them from their own mistakes. You should, for example, always love your child. But if you see them planning a murder you should still report them.
"YOLO."
"No, you only die once. You live every day."
"Treat others the way you want to be treated."
"It should be 'Treat others the way they want to be treated.' This implies you take the time to consider their point of view and desires and how your actions might negatively affect them even if they wouldn’t negatively affect yourself."
Honestly the holden rule is a good start. You can't analyse everyone and everything. You don't have the time and opportunity and you're not everyone's therapist. So start with treating everyone the way you want to be treated and make adjustments when neccessary and you'll be fine most of the time. Nobody's perfect but with that advice, you'll be pleasant enough.
"If he's not willing to fight for you, then he's not worth having in your life."
"This mentality really f*cked me up when I got dumped and I thought that I had to keep on fighting and pushing to prove I was worthy. Sometimes it's not about wanting it enough, it's about respecting the other person's decisions. Not to mention that if someone is trying to pull this just to see if you're worthy, then they are absolutely not."
"It’s ok to be selfish."
"I agree that it is ok to put yourself and your needs first but up to a certain point. Last year I was going through a lot with work and my home life and also had finals. I took this self-care tip too literal and didn’t give my friends or family any time. When my friend came to me with a problem she was facing, I almost shrugged it out because I was being selfish dealing with my own problems. I realized my mistakes and although I do still tell myself it’s ok to be selfish, I can now recognize that there is a time and place for it."
"Do whatever feels right."
"Sometimes what feels right is cutting your veins open but that's not gonna heal you."
"Do whatever feels right." Yeah but that can effect people around you too.
"The idea that, 'You don’t owe anybody anything', which is often used to justify ghosting your friends, prioritizing your mental health above others feelings."
You don't owe anyone anything. Just as no one owes you anything. To think that you are owed just because it effects you is a silly way to look at the world. You are going to be very disappointed.
"Open your heart to the world."
"Nope. The world is a complicated and often dark and bad place that will eviscerate your heart. Open your heart to the people you care about and trust. They make it worthwhile."
"Just push through it."
"It's the worst. It sidesteps everything that you're dealing with, minimalizes and trivializes all of your problems, and leaves all of the blame and weight of the situation on you without offering anything at all."
"Don't do anything you don't enjoy."
"Life is going to be full of things you don't enjoy, but they usually lead to good benefits, so keep it up and do it."
"Once you fall out of love with someone, you cannot fall back in love with them."
"Worst advice I ever got. I'm so glad I gave it a second try."
"The girls who are always posting about 'Treat yourself' or 'If he doesn't treat you like a (queen emoji), it's time to find a new one.' Nah, one is bad financial advice if you know you can't afford something don't do it, and the other is not how partnerships work. You should be each other's best friends, not worshipped like he's your subject desperate for your approval. If your ideal relationship is one of superiority instead of equality then you probably have mental health issues."
"Surround yourself only with positive people."
"If you're willing to cut people from your life when they are a bit down, that's a recipe for people hiding the negatives in their life from friends, only discussing the positive and having mostly superficial friendships, for fear of you being cut out of their lives. Not saying you need to keep people in your life who are treating you badly, but we all go through times when we are up and times when we are down, friends give you their time through both."
"Nobody even cares what you look like."
"Actually, people do. They may not all stop to stare, but enough will that you'll start to notice all the stares and it will just make you embarrassed. It's better to just take a quick second to make sure you don't look stupid today than to go through that."
Agreed. The way people perceive you affects the way they treat/interact with you. Now, you shouldn't become preoccupied with that or make it your only consideration - but it's important to keep in mind and to put in some effort where appropriate.
"Just be yourself."
"'Myself' is a guy who likes to work minimum wage, part-time jobs that require no mental input, and then spend the rest of his time playing video games and eating junk food. He's overweight, underpaid, and has no interaction with his friends or family.
I don't want to be myself. I want to be a better version of myself."
Then you still want to be yourself. I am not who I was 10 years ago, and I'm not who I will be in 10 years.
"Don't think about bad things."
"My parents always told me to just focus on the positive things in life, without giving more than acknowledgment to anything sad/bad.
I understand their intentions, but I feel like this made me more unprepared and overwhelmed when things really hit the fan. While I don't think anyone should be solely focus on what's wrong with things, we still need to take the time to think about them and learn from them."
Recognizing and naming all emotions is so important. If I can do that, I can figure out why I feel what I'm feeling and can either change the situation or change how I see it.
"Saying 'it is what it is' and accepting a situation. Yeah, that can definitely be helpful and very zen in situations you absolutely cannot control. But a lot of times, with consideration and hard work, you can get yourself out of a bad situation instead of just accepting it."
"Cut off anyone that doesn’t bring you peace."
"Obviously, this applies to people who are constantly, deliberately making you miserable. But a stressful situation or argument with a friend that you care about doesn’t count if you haven’t attempted to work it out with them."
"No one is too busy to talk to someone they care about."
"This is so toxic to expect people to talk to you every day. Yes, sometimes people have other stuff going on in their lives. It doesn't mean they don't care."
"Always put yourself first."
"Nah man, that’s not how relationships work."
I think there's a huge caveat here. There are things that I absolutely HAVE to put in front of my kids, my romantic relationships, my friendships, my job, everything. Namely, my sobriety. If that means I'm grabbing McD's for my kids on the way to a meeting, then so be it.
"Be yourself" makes perfect sense in the context of "Don't try to change yourself in ways that feel unnatural just to get others to like you." The problem is when people interpret it to mean "Don't try to change anything about yourself for any reason, ever."
I and several friends are in a high-stress environment where we constantly have to put on a happy face and be very professional when everything around us is on metaphorical fire. We are frequently subject to advice and aphorisms like the above and sometimes my colleagues say they feel like they are going crazy. i like to tell them, "No, your feelings are normal. You are having a rational reaction to an irrational situation. Don't be fooled into believing that this is your fault."
“Weigh yourself in the morning. Your (heavier) weight taken at other parts of the day *doesn’t count*” What?! No! You weigh what you weigh. So toxic…
"Be yourself" makes perfect sense in the context of "Don't try to change yourself in ways that feel unnatural just to get others to like you." The problem is when people interpret it to mean "Don't try to change anything about yourself for any reason, ever."
I and several friends are in a high-stress environment where we constantly have to put on a happy face and be very professional when everything around us is on metaphorical fire. We are frequently subject to advice and aphorisms like the above and sometimes my colleagues say they feel like they are going crazy. i like to tell them, "No, your feelings are normal. You are having a rational reaction to an irrational situation. Don't be fooled into believing that this is your fault."
“Weigh yourself in the morning. Your (heavier) weight taken at other parts of the day *doesn’t count*” What?! No! You weigh what you weigh. So toxic…
