Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
“If My Husband Went To Bed At The Same Time As Me”: 30 Women Share Simple Things That Can Go A Long Way In Improving Romantic Relationships
Navigating romantic relationships can sometimes feel like stumbling through a maze in the dark. Only through time, patience, and a lot of practice can we figure out how to seamlessly go through this journey of life with another person. (And even then, there will always be some unexpected bumps along the road.) So if you’re looking for advice that might go a long way in improving your relationships, buckle up and come along for the ride.
Women on Reddit have been sharing small things that have positive impacts on relationships, what they need to feel safe and what they consider to be the bare minimum, so we've gathered some of their wisest words below. Keep reading to also find conversations with relationship consultant Dr. Ada Gonzalez and Amie the Dating Coach, and be sure to upvote the replies that hit home for you.
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Viewing every relationship issue as “us vs. the problem” instead of “me vs. you”
Deanne Charlton 2 years ago
Many decades ago, a 'short' in Reader's Digest was about a husband who complained at length about his co-workers every night after work. One night she let him rant and then pointed to her wedding ring and said, "Remember? I'm on your side." That changed everything.
BatPhace 2 years ago
Unless it really is me vs you, in which case get out while you still can.
RELATED:
#2
One thing that I noticed about my partner that really makes me know I've found a good person is how much he's willing to learn from me. In very very little ways. I spend a lot of time on AITA here and there's constant stories of absolute garbage partners who won't lift a finger and refuse to learn/try to contribute.
My partner will see me cooking something they don't know how to cook, cleaning something they don't know how to clean.. basically doing anything a certain way. And then he'll come over and ask me about what I'm doing. Why I'm using certain products, how I know something is done.
To be clear, he already can cook and clean things lol. But it means a lot to me that he sees things I do and instead of thinking "I don't have to worry because she's got it" I can tell he's thinking "how can I take this off her plate?"
Arunika R. 2 years ago
And it makes you more independent and on similar wavelength with your partner!
OmBoyGanesh 2 years ago
Modern psychology has a wealth of information on the division of *mental load* and *emotional labor* (they’re not the same thing) within a relationship. Findings show (as concurred with family & marriage counseling, along with reasons for divorce or separation) how our agreements with these two topics and with our partners regarding these two topics, are the foundation for why marriages dissolve. Nothing is more important in an equitable relationship than the division of these tasks. There’s a decent book out there called “Fair Play.” It not only explains these & other invisible work, but functions like a workbook. There’s also a set of cards to distribute, evaluate & redistribute. Helpful for dual earners & same-sex couples, where the division might not be so clear. Even healthy, equitable relationships can benefit from exploring who does precisely what in the relationship & household.
Emjay 2 years ago
I have tried doing things like this with my Italian gf. The problem is unless she does it she considers it wrong. I still try when I visit her. She has the same mentality when she visits me. Unless she does it she considers it wrong. I have basically took the stance of leave my stuff alone when you visit.
Considering how natural and intuitive it should be, dating is often surprisingly challenging. So to gain more insight on this topic, we reached out to relationship coach Dr. Ada Gonzalez, who was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda. First, we asked the expert if she could share some of her simplest tips that can go a long way in improving our romantic relationships. “Regularly expressing appreciation and gratitude for your partner. Being fully present when your partner is speaking to you. Spending quality time together regularly, even if it's just a few minutes a day,” Dr. Gonzalez noted.
“Making an effort to show your love and affection in small ways, such as holding hands or giving a hug. Being open and honest with your partner, even when it's difficult. Making an effort to understand and accept your partner's perspective, even if you disagree," she added. "Doing things that show you care about your partner's happiness and well-being, such as helping with chores or running errands.”
#3
Respecting the need for solitude and that it can be important to carve time for pursuing our individual curiosities, rather than always making compromises so we can do things together as a couple
Arunika R. 2 years ago (edited)
Everyone has their different interests, it's simply impractical to spend every moment together and expect it to be enjoyable in the long term.
A gay cat man 2 years ago
my favorite way to spend time together is to do our own stuff next to each other
Load More Replies... 
amanda goss 2 years ago
Man, is this important. My parents have their bedroom but also separate "studies" that they retire to whenever they need (my mom's a writer and stepdad an artist). My bff and her husband have the same. My last boyfriend and I would spend most every day apart, in the same tiny European flat, and then meet in the living room/kitchen to decide what to make and what to watch for the night. He went to bed early, I stayed up til 2. He made coffee at the crack of dawn and left me a thermos on the bedside table. I came home from work way after him(and his downtime w his laptop or camera), read my books, and we cooked, tv, bed, etc. Repeat. Was great.
D'oh Rae is Me 2 years ago
This is so important. My husband has been home for 3 months with 3 broken elbows and a major concussion. The McDonalds milkshake I have by myself when he is at concussion therapy twice a week tastes better than anything else on the planet.
“Setting and respecting boundaries to ensure both partners feel safe and respected,” Dr. Gonzalez continued. “Making time for intimacy and physical connection, whether through sex or other forms of physical touch. Continuously learning and growing together as a couple, whether through reading books, taking courses, or attending counseling or relationship coaching.”
#4
Kindness. Making sure you understand that you should be each others best friend and advocate. Even if you have conflict, be unfailingly kind.
This also means reminding your partner to be kind to themself. This morning my husband said something self-degrading and I gave my usual response-joking, “Don’t you talk like that about my husband!”
Ola Polowczyk 2 years ago
We do that too! ❤️ But in our case it's "Don't talk like that about my fiance/fiancee" This works wonders
Laura Kaye 2 years ago
I mean.... Ok, my boyfriend and I tell each other how wonderful and amazing the other is and definitely tell each other when to stop degrading ourselves but then we also have a rule that we can say anything really mean and insulting to the other as long as we say Burn after and we make a point to show we are VERY OBVIOUSLY joking.
#5
Trust. If that isn't established from the start then the relationship is doomed from the very start.
We were also lucky enough to get in touch with Master Certified Relationship Coach Amie Leadingham, or Amie the Dating Coach, to hear her thoughts on the topic. When it comes to small ways we can improve our relationships, Amie says, “Making a simple shift with active listening will create a safe space for two people to open up and be vulnerable about each other’s feelings. It isn’t only love that keeps a couple together. It is how they fight and resolve their problems. Often when a conflict arises, most listen to defend to ‘win’ rather than listen to understand each other’s point of view. By actively listening, you can make a partner feel seen and safe in the relationship.”
#6
That you two are two different people. He has his preferences. She has her own. Accepting that will save you from a lot of trouble.
Leo Domitrix 2 years ago
This. He loves horror movies, I don't. I love documentaries, he doesn't. So what? We like different music too. So what? people really overvalue "same interests". You run out of stuff ot talk about!
Lemon 2 years ago
I feel like you and your husband would love true crime documentaries. Its both horror and a documentary!
Load More Replies...
Mama Penguin 2 years ago
My husband and I have a rule where we take turns picking movies to watch. The goal is to share interests and expose each other to movies he or I wouldn't have independently chosen otherwise. Some of our interests overlap, but we also have our own things and TV shows that we watch independently. He likes to watch metal YouTubers and action/adventure shows while I like watching game playthroughs, documentaries, and foreign drama films.
Mallory Morrison 2 years ago (edited)
Yup! Around 8 every night after we've had dinner and spent some time together I go back to my office to play on my computer and watch youtube and he plays some video games before bed. Then we've spent time together in the evening but we both have a little time to decompress alone before bed doing the things we enjoy. Win win.
And the like 2 years ago
I find this post heteronormative because she/he is not what happens in every relationship. They should use he/he, she/she, he/she, she/he so everyone feels included /s
Jeya Mackelle 2 years ago
I am bisexual. I can read this and adjust it to my own experiences. I do not need special words or people to adjust to take advice. These submissions are from women dating men. It doesn't impede on yours or my right to apply it to our lives.
Load More Replies...
Michael Largey 2 years ago
Some people you trust instinctively from the start. And there are those with whom you build a trust over time. I suspect the second kind is more durable.
#7
Don’t act like i’m bothering you when i want to hang out.
Don’t make me feel bad for wanting to spend time together.
Stephanie A Mutti 2 years ago
And for the love of GOD, do NOT marry this person! - speaking from experience
Dan Holden 2 years ago
Why would you want to be in a relationship in which you don't want to spend time with your partner? This ones just sad.
OmBoyGanesh 2 years ago (edited)
I think the advice is, “Don’t make me feel bad for wanting to spend time together.” The problem with this advice is that the relationship is already unbalanced if one feels that way, regardless of how they feel that way.
Load More Replies...
Violet Jensen 2 years ago
unfortunately i just feel like a bother regardless of my gf saying otherwise 🙃
Laura Kaye 2 years ago
I was in a relationship like this... The guy would say he was joking but Every. Single. Time. I came over and took an interest in his video gaming or wanted to see what he was doing on his computer he would get stand off-ish and make Uuuggghhhh Fine we can Hang Out "JOKES"
We also asked the experts why it’s so easy to overlook these little things. “They often seem small or insignificant. Many people believe that grand gestures or expensive gifts are necessary to make a relationship work, when in reality, it's the small, everyday actions and words that build a strong foundation of love and trust,” Dr. Gonzalez says.
“Additionally, busy schedules, stress, and distractions can make it difficult to prioritize the relationship and make time for these small gestures. However, taking the time to focus on these simple things can make a big difference in the quality of the relationship and overall happiness of both partners.”
#8
Someone who understands my need to have animals in my life. I go into a dark hole if I don't. Luckily I married a man who turned out to be a big cat lover too. He never had animals before he met me but he's all in. Our oldest cat is such a daddy's girl too.
sturmwesen 2 years ago
My BF knew right away, if he didn't get along with my dog he could leave. We are on my third dog (he would not have one of his own but he accepts that I will always have one.)
Laura Kaye 2 years ago
My boyfriend claims not to like dogs.... And then continuously plays and rough houses with mine as well as bring her for walks and train her and stuff. When I comment on how it looks like they are getting along he is all "nah she's a dog. Don't really care for dogs" while they are snuggling on the couch. Pretty sure he is lying to himself lol
Load More Replies...
Robin DJW 2 years ago
One of the first things I wanted to know about my husband was whether he liked cats and other critters as well. We've had rats, mice, bunnies, a boa, our cats and dogs... oh, yeah, and a tarantula. The mice were nasty. We were both relieved when the boa grew into having rats. The rats were fun. If one stood out, we would name it and it became a pet, exempted from feeding the boa.
Bria Newberry 2 years ago
Same with mine. He's deathly allergic to cats and had one (best girl) dog as a boy growing up. Meanwhile I grew up with a menagerie and my favorite little critters happen to be fancy rats. We had three when I was growing up and I fell in love. He had no idea you could even keep them as pets! We got our first pair about 3 years ago and they've been a constant in our lives. They are like tiny puppies you can put in your hoodie pocket. Pocket puppies!
#9
Doing little things for my wife. Bringing her morning coffee, packing her lunches. Every day acts of affection matter.
Sweet Taurus 2 years ago
My fiancé leaves me a note every morning before he leaves for work. And I always leave him a note on his sandwiches I make him for work. It's something we both look forward to having and doing.
Brenda 2 years ago
I do the little things for my husband. He drives truck and is gone for a week at a time. So atleast once a weekend I'll make a big supper and pack leftovers and write little notes or sayings from movies/songs I know he likes. Plus when he calls, I'll look stuff up on Google maps for him or on trucker path too. Helps him be safe while driving!
Nitka Tsar 2 years ago
But don‘t let it be one sided. Even if the other partner can‘t do stuff like this. They can do something else maybe.
Bob Collins 2 years ago
Most individuals have different needs and strengths…and Love Languages. When my wife and I learned about Love Languages, it deepened our mutual appreciation. My languages are Time spent together and Words of affection. Hers are Acts of service and Time spent together. She is not a complimentary person, but she realized she needs to make an effort to speak appreciation to me regularly. I never think of “doing stuff” for anyone - but now I have developed a habit of doing things for her every day that bless her - from emptying her bathroom trash can, to making a special treat for her. We both moved out of our comfort zones for each other and we both realize when the other takes time to love on each other. BIG difference!
“So many of us learn our conflict resolution skills from our home environment growing up as a child,” Amie told Bored Panda. “Suppose we grew up in a chaotic home where we saw fighting with no resolution or a home where emotions were not safe to be expressed. We might not have the necessary skills to be vulnerable, develop intimacy, and resolve our issues in a healthy way. The good news is anyone can develop healthy relationship skills anytime with effort and practice.”
#10
Finding time together. Life gets busy. Sometimes your relationship can’t be first, but you have time find moments to just BE together.
We used to get a sitter and run errands together. Grab a coffee and do the grocery/Target/oil change type stuff together.
Mila Preradović 2 years ago
Coffee and farmers market on Sunday morning while the offspring still sleeps 😁
Apathetic Bovine 2 years ago
"use to" could mean the kids are now old enough to be on their own without a sitter.
Load More Replies...
#11
Figuring out how to disagree. Sometimes these turn into arguments, but as soon as it gets heated, or one person slams the door or yells, you may as well say "I'm not listening". Trying to hear the other person out and understand where they're coming from will benefit both people a ton in the long run.
troufaki13 2 years ago
I think it's because we tend to take things personally when people don't agree with us because in our minds we're right so when someone disagrees with us they're automatically wrong.
David 2 years ago
So many people do not know how to fight fair. they view disagreements as a fight to win. If you are one, do yourself a favor and you and your SO learn and agree on rules. Conflict resolution is a skill that can be learned and there are lots of self help articles on the internet for free.
Pandapoo 2 years ago
I was trying to explain something to my husband regarding finances and retirement and he insisted I was wrong and he got pretty mad. I just let it go. A couple of weeks later he admitted I was right (probably after listening to it being explained by someone other than his wife). 🙄. It’s happened several times and as long as it’s not an immediate matter, I’ll just let it go.
Mari 2 years ago
Yes, don't waste time with unimportant things or discussions. Let it go, even when you know you've got it right
Load More Replies...
Annie 1973 2 years ago (edited)
I think that at the beginning of a relationship you should sit down with your partner and tell them that if something doesn't go well what you need from them is A, a solution or B, just someone to complain to about it. So when something goes wrong the first thing the other person says is, do you need an a or b. No confusion. Sometimes you might just want someone to talk to about the issue and sometimes you need help coming up with a solution.
Cathy Payne 2 years ago
But sometimes it is easier to walk away and wait for things to calm down Majority of the time my DH apologises, but if we get into a big argument that never happens I also apologise if I am wrong on hindsight
While these little changes may greatly benefit your relationships, they aren’t always enough to save them. “Making small changes in a relationship can definitely make a positive impact and help prevent a relationship from ending,” Dr. Gonzalez noted. “Often, it's the accumulation of small negative patterns and behaviors that can lead to larger problems in a relationship, and reversing those negative patterns can prevent things from getting worse.”
“However, every relationship is unique and some may require more substantial changes or interventions in order to improve or thrive,” she added. “In some cases, seeking the guidance of a professional counselor or relationship coach may be necessary.”
#12
Communication. Growing up trauma instilled by my parents included silent treatment when they disapproved of anything I did. When I first got into the relationship I am in now, I started to see how toxic it was to just not talk and wait for the problem to go away. Both my therapist and my fiancé helped me work through it and understand that it is not about "winning" and once you learn to put in effort and admit when you're wrong and say sorry, the misundestandings become easier to talk through and don't have to escalate into fights. We very rarely fight anymore because we communicate better, and are therefore happier.
Arunika R. 2 years ago
I wish I could send communicate this to my parents. I'm tired of the constant silent war
ThatOmniCapybara(she/they) 2 years ago
Good luck. I hope you can find some way out of that someday. <3
Load More Replies...
Cardboard Dino 2 years ago
I didn’t realize how long I could go without talking till I started therapy it was weird because my brain get so loud I just figured I was talking
#13
2 different bathrooms. Trust me it's a game changer.
Maartjemoo 2 years ago
I am from the Netherlands where hardly anybody has more than one bathroom. I grew up in a family of 7 (which is a lot in my country) with one bathroom. And no we did not constantly have fights about it. People made their preference clear (morning or evening) and we talked about it or just got up earlier. I have never see this as an issue ever in my life or any body that I know of.
SmooshyFries 2 years ago
My bathroom- the seat is always down, no beard hair, no piddle spots on my seat, no missed the hamper chonies on the floor. It's lovely
Emjay 2 years ago (edited)
My bathroom at my place: bodywash, beard shampoo, comb, razor, q-tips, tooth brush, deodorant, toothpaste, a couple of towels and wash clothes and a bottle of aspirin. Couple extra rolls of tp. Her bathroom at her place: cannot move in the shower without bottles falling, scared to open the medicine cabinet due to avalanche, every possible drawer or surface area having hair dryers, hair straightener, signs on the walls with motivational says....
Load More Replies... 
Sara Anderson 2 years ago
Yes. One toilet for each butt in the house is my preferred way. I have my nice bathroom and he has his jiffy bathroom. And my child has her own too.
Gypsy Lee 2 years ago
If for no other reason than he can't figure out how to use the toilet without his phone. The longest time so far is 3 hours. At the moment we have 1 bathroom. I'm ready to make him start going outside in nature because he just can't be bothered to think about anyone else. (Upbringing plays a major role in his inability to think of others.) -Not everyone needs two, but some of us really do!
Amie pointed out that sometimes small changes can save a relationship though, bringing attention to some of the success stories that have been shared in this thread. “I really liked what u/NinaMissedTheLastBus said, ‘Both my therapist and my fiancé helped me work through it and understand that it is not about ‘winning’, and once you learn to put in effort and admit when you're wrong and say sorry, the misunderstandings become easier to talk through and don't have to escalate into fights’,” she shared.
“The willingness to find a solution together is so powerful,” Amie continued. “I liked what u/Giannandco said as well, ‘In my marriage, trust, healthy communication skills and the willingness to work through difficulties and finding a resolution which works for both of us.’”
#14
Care. It's big in my relationship because I'm severely Autistic and struggle with talking to people I don't know, so whenever me and my boyfriend are out in public, he usually speaks for me whenever we visit a place like a store or cafe. It's so helpful because I can barely ever start a sentence when I talk to someone I don't know.
Nice Beast Ludo 2 years ago
Mine does this for me too. He is super charismatic and easy to talk to and I am just awkward and end up f*****g everything up trying to talk on the phone. I get sick with anxiety over it. So he takes care of that most of the time and it's such a relief
a really far away planet 2 years ago
for me and my gf we're both kind of neurodivergent so it's really hard for us :/
Cathelijne Van 2 years ago
I don't know, I had a phase where I was shy and would turn all red, I would have loved to have someone speaking for me. I didn't and I was forced to learn and get comfortable with myself. One day I realized that nobody cared that I got red, and it went away quite fast actually. I am happy I pushed through and didn't let it define me... I hope others will try that too
Ethel The Frog 2 years ago
This is me and my husband. He understood very early in the relationship that, most of the time, he'll need to do the talking. Now we have a short conversation about what I want to order from the coffee shop, or wherever we are, and he'll do the rest. It saves so much stress and means we can both enjoy our time out.
#15
Dishwasher
Pamela24 2 years ago (edited)
Might sound like a joke but I swear - when we bought it, our arguments had gone down by like 80 %. :D Do not underestimate the value of an appliance that helps you with a chore that neither of you likes to do.
David Wambold 2 years ago
The true mother of invention is laziness. Find an easier way to do it.
Kel_how 2 years ago
Well, this one actually causes arguments between my sister and I. She stacks bowls and containers in ways that collect water, so they end up coming out dirty. I always have to reorganize the dishes before we wash. I've tried explaining, but she just gets offended.
James016 2 years ago
The way my SIL and nephew put things in the dishwasher when they visit wants makes me want to fire them out of a cannon into the sun.
Load More Replies... Gypsy Lee 2 years ago
Then again, some people have no idea how to load one. We're talking about stacking plates and bowls inside/on top of one another. We moved into a place that didn't have one and peace followed. Now we are moving into a place with one (he insisted even though I mostly do them) and I'm already anxious about having to go through the nonsense again.
Mallory Morrison 2 years ago
I cook, he loads the dishwasher (because he says I load it wrong)
Chexmy Licks🇯🇵 2 years ago
my older sister has one and idk how to use it when me and my parents went to her house and i was helping with the dishes idk how to use it so i used my lovely hands
And of course, it’s best to prevent these things from becoming issues in the first place, whenever possible. To do so, Dr. Gonzalez recommends that we always practice regular, healthy communication, spending quality time together, addressing issues early, respecting boundaries, and practicing forgiveness. “By taking these steps, you can work to prevent common issues from becoming major problems in your relationship,” she told Bored Panda.
#16
We have an alarm at the end of everyday called grateful. My husband’s suggestion. We spend a minute just highlighting any thing big or small that the other person has done that we’re grateful for, or if we’ve had a fight, what the other person did that helped that helped conflict resolution/repair. It helps each partner remember the good things the other person has done and where they’ve put effort into the relationship. It also helps to hear the other persons reflection of what helped so we understand each other’s experiences and perspectives better. It provides reinforcement of all the good that occurs so we don’t dwell on what we might have gotten wrong, but also what we got right and where it helps. Definitely has helped strengthen the relationship through different conflict styles and neurodiverse differences.
#17
Understanding these overall concepts:
1. A relationship has an underlying contract, whether you want to acknowledge it or not. Over time the terms of that contract may change, but you have to make sure both parties sign off on all changes. Most relationships drift apart when one of the signing parties starts signing off on changes without presenting the contract to the other person for sign off. Communication is key, but so is awareness of the little changes we go through in desires and preferences as we grow and evolve as people.
2. Over time small cracks will develop in the structure that is your relationship. It is the job of both parties to perform regular maintenance to the structure, as sometimes only one of the two of you will be able to see these as they form. You may need to reference item 1 as these are patched up
3. Here is an uncomfortable truth nobody wants to acknowledge: you and your partner will likely both have desires to be with other people throughout the course of your relationship, at least sexually. We as human beings are wired this way and infidelity rates as well as statistics on breakup reasons highlight this reality. Whatever storybook romance or religious dogma taught you about only desiring one person for the rest of your life does not reflect reality for the majority of people with healthy sexualities. This does not in any way make it okay to cheat or lie to your partner, but developing the confidence to talk about this openly may actually go a long way in preventing such behavior. Sometimes the cracks developing in a relationship go un-patched because no one has the confidence to acknowledge them. While love and sexuality certainly have overlap, they are very much separate engines in the vehicle of life. In my experience, this is the single most under-communicated aspect of otherwise healthy relationships.
Sara Wilson 2 years ago
For me, to go with all this, is find out how ur partner needs to b shown appreciation. I don't need flowers, I need u to pick up after urself or do something different. Same with romance. Just because u have an idea of what constitutes this, doesn't mean ur partners thinks the same. Most of the time, the info is there, if u r paying attention. Or just ask! But if u ask, USE the info. Don't just forget or disregard it because it may not b as easy for u as ur idea was
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I strongly disagree with #3. If l love someone (not being in love, but love), l'm absolutely not tempted by anyone. Even for years. I always joke l'm biologically wired to be monogamous. If l ever even start considering options outside my partner, something has happened, and he most likely hasn't treated me well or respected me. Based on a whole life of experiences.
Sarah E Cofer 2 years ago
Intentionally spending the night with people lf the opposite sex that are sexually interested in you while your partner sits at home alone is cheating whether it has physily haooened yet or not because it will if you continue to create an environment where it can happen. Youre also utter sh*t if you subject your partner to a life like that and have zero respect for your partner no matter what bs you lie and say.
Laura Kaye 2 years ago
This one is key. The boyfriend I am with now is someone I've known for 10 years with intermittent dating. The first time we got together I had issues with trust because he was honest about how he had cheated on an ex wife of his that he had been with for 6 years. At the time, I had a HUGE stick up my a*s with romance and feeling like if you're with someone you love or are committed to you wouldn't cheat. Period. He and I didn't stay in the relationship because of my own self-inflicted trust issues based on those conversations, I broke his heart but he eventually reached out to just be friends. Over the years he became my confidant when I needed advise in relationships when I wanted a guy's perspective and he would also use me for advise with women he is dating. Fast forward several years and I am in a sexless, passionless relationship with a guy who makes me feel invisible as a romantic partner.
Laura Kaye 2 years ago
I tried very hard to be seen in the relationship as a romantic partner - I tried being the Dom, I tried being a subservient slave, I tried porn, I tried lingerie, toy... I tried talking about emotions, tried to get to know his hobbies and interests but Sexless always closed me out and acted like wanting to know his interests was creepy and weird. I wanted a physically and emotionally more intimate relationship, but he just wouldn't budge. To be honest, the sex wasn't great but I'd convinced myself that a relationship is more than sex and it was my fault we were failing. On one particular night of trying, Sexless and I actually got into the bedroom for the first time in 2 years and I was giving him encouraging "yeah like that" lines when Sexless snapped and yelled at me whether I wanted to have sex or just keep talking at him, he can't concentrate! His yelling just broke me and I ended up just laying their emotionally numb while he went to the other room.
Load More Replies...
Faith Donovan 2 years ago
Humans did not evolve to be monogamous, that is evident both from the features of our primary gentialia and from watching other primates. Monogamy is a social construct, and not even a universal one, but it can be very difficult to deprogram ourselves. Many relationships can still succeed while being monogamous, but polyamory in all its forms is also healthy, as long as it is agreed upon in advance and all parties keep open and honest communication.
“We tend to be the common denominator when it comes to relationships,” Amie added. “If a negative pattern keeps rearing its ugly head, it’s time to self-reflect to see why these patterns keep showing up. Hurt people hurt people, so it’s important to do your healing work together as a couple or even better by yourself first before you enter a new relationship.”
If you’d like to gain more tips or relationship insight from Amie the Dating Coach, be sure to visit her website right here!
#18
The guys I dated all seemed to believe giving me my own space and not rushing me was the way to go about my anxiety. I respect that but it wasn't enough. A lot of times the reason I had relationship anxiety in the first place was lack of (enough) **emotional intimacy** and **emotional support by actions** as my love language is mostly actions. "You are hot and smart" is flattering and necessary for sexual compatibility, but "I know you are anxious about your cat's vet trip but YOU GOT THIS" kind of texts in the morning for example means more about feeling secure in the relationship. And someone with anxiety disorder absolutely needs to feel secure in the relationship.
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I see you. And this was me years ago. Now l let them now early on l need that kind of support. And they usually deliver.
Bubbles and sparks 2 years ago
If you don't tell your significant other what you need, how are they supposed to know? Most people can't read minds, so use your voice and speak up, it works wonders 😊
#19
I wish my bf would acknowledge how hard it is for me to interact with others, and encourage me, rather than just saying, "You just gotta get out of your head!" Ummm, yeah. If I could do that as simply as that statement implies, wouldn't I have already done that? It's disheartening when I'm treated as if being hurt, confused, and stressed is somehow me just being miserable on purpose.
Bent Screw (she/her) 2 years ago
My parents are the same and that is why I live 10 hours away from them. Your feelings are valid and anyone who claims to care about you, should not dismiss you in any way!
Load More Replies...
Allen Packard 2 years ago (edited)
I used to be like this. I have good news and bad news. You will have to work on it. There is no other way. Feeling sorry for yourself or making excuses will only delay the healing that needs to take place. The good news is that it changes your life when you take responsibility for you. If I can do it, I truly believe anyone can do it. Great luck to you!
Chexmy Licks🇯🇵 2 years ago
i had a hard time socializing to people too but idk how i did get out of my bubble, it just happened idk how
GV Martinez-Williams 2 years ago
What you need to ask yourself is if you want to actually interact with others much? If so, then you would have to work on it, preferably with the help of a therapist. I don't particularly need to interact with people in order to be happy, but I do because that's how life is. After many years trying to be "normal", I finally stopped and things became so much easier for me. Now I've come to accept the occasional nagging from my mother about not being social enough, but never from the person I share my everyday life with.
Wysteria_Rose 2 years ago
My husband does his best to understand but he has his moments where he'll say "do you think about going out with people rather than just staying at home with the cat?"
“Another thing to consider in preventing issues in relationships is to regularly check-in with each other and have, what I call, conversations that connect,” Dr. Gonzalez shared. “This means being willing to express your thoughts and feelings, as well as actively listening to your partner's perspective.”
“When partners feel heard and understood, they are more likely to feel valued and appreciated, which in turn can strengthen their emotional connection,” she explained. “By having conversations that connect, partners can also deepen their understanding of each other's thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. This can help them to better support each other through life's challenges, and can help them to work together towards shared goals.”
#20
Effort. It’s the little stuff like wanting to make someone happy, doing chores unprompted, checking in on each other. Exhibiting desire both physically and emotionally. Being a good person Carrie’s over in to your romantic relationships.
Obviously good communication skills.
The ability to take an ego hit or shed an egotistical thought or reaction in order to work through the issue with your partner instead of defensively hiding or shutting down.
Sara Wilson 2 years ago
If TRUE, HONEST effort is being made, I can deal with mistakes. But if u r just not trying, but expect me to, or doing things wrong so I don't ask u to do something, we got problems
#21
To know I don't have to worry about them cheating on me
MonicaChicagoGal 2 years ago
Sorry but you'll never KNOW they won't all you can do is the best you can and HOPE they won't - married 23 years together 27.
Jeya Mackelle 2 years ago (edited)
Sadly, I learned from personal experience rather than vicariously through someone, you are right. You shouldn't go about worried, as there needs to be a healthy level of trust, but never think you're untouchable. I did. I thought we were strong and happy, and according to him, I was uber boring and the only content person in our relationship. Did he tell me this? Not in words I could understand, but he showed me.
Load More Replies...
“Additionally, conversations that connect can help partners to address any concerns or conflicts as they arise, rather than letting them fester and build up over time,” Dr. Gonzalez continued. “When partners are able to communicate effectively and empathetically, they are more likely to find solutions that work for both of them, rather than getting stuck in a cycle of blame and defensiveness. By consistently practicing these habits, couples build a strong foundation of trust, respect, and understanding, which can lead to a more fulfilling and satisfying romantic relationship.”
If you’d like to hear even more words of wisdom from this relationships expert, be sure to visit Dr. Ada Gonzalez’s website right here!
#22
Your life is made better by them being in it.
#23
Realizing that it won’t always be 50/50. Sometimes it’ll be 80/20. Also, having similar living habits definitely helps.
#24
Two things:
1. Acknowlegement of the mental load of running the household, plus active participation in balancing that load.
2. Not cheating on me with anyone who would stand still long enough
Jeya Mackelle 2 years ago (edited)
Agree, especially with 2. Men are like "we have needs". Well, so do I. We both have love tanks, but if I feel mine is being neglected, I won't use up all of my mental and emotional energy to overflow yours. Better yet, I'll start to fill my tank up so much you'll be forgotten. I will glow and grow without you until you realize you're hardly a fixture in my life. So wise up and meet my needs and appreciate me, or lose me.
Natasha Arruda 2 years ago
I realized after the overflow context that you meant tanks as a container... I mentally went to love tanks like the heavy duty automobile. It was weird.
Load More Replies...
Pat Ucu 2 years ago
My husband actively disregarded anything to do with the running of the household. He didn't cook, clean, or shop. I used to say to him "I don't know what well do if something happens to me", half jokingly, and he used to laugh. Well something did happen to me, I got MS, and now I cant cook, clean or shop. So he has had to learn
Pat Ucu 2 years ago
(Sorry) he has had to learn. He now completely acknowledges of the mental load of running the household, and the importance of active participation in balancing that load. For the first year or so he was prostrate with exhaustion every evening. It improving tho.
Load More Replies... #25
Honesty, integrity, and empathy
N.O. D. 2 years ago
Huh. I'd never include confidence in one of these, always felt it was an egotistic trait.
Load More Replies...
#27
Willingness to take accountability
Pittsburgh rare 2 years ago
I think what l can't forgive is the lack of accountability. Everybody makes mistakes, but owning them is essential.
#28
If my husband could keep his drinking under control. It's a work in progress. At least he is trying but I worry about it getting worse again in the future.
Highwaytozen 2 years ago
The medicine Naltrexone helped me with my drinking problem very much. Read up about it and ask your doctor if it could be something for you.
#29
An open mind. One thing that really sets me off is people yelling "what are you doing that is so weird!?!!" When they see me do anything mildly different, such as putting a condiment on my bread they're not familiar with
David B 2 years ago
The human race, as an intelligent species, is doomed.
Load More Replies... #30
Growth.
I panic when things go stagnant - I’m way too critical on myself to not constantly be bettering myself, and it makes me feel safe and comfortable if I know it’s a mutual desire and that we can act upon it together as a team. Because, for me, it’s not always a pretty process, and I need to feel like my SO is going to stand by me in my monstrous moments.
Teamwork.
I love having alone time, but I hate feeling alone. I love that my SO is so communicative, and supportive, and everything you’d need in a teammate to elevate your quality and performance. He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear, he tells me the honest truth and we grow from our shared truths. It’s not always easy, or again - pretty, but we have one diamond solid, beautiful relationship and I can confidently say I’ve never felt safer, more comfortable, more confident - than I do with him.
He’s vulnerable with me - probably more than I am with him! And that’s another thing.
Scott Rackley 2 years ago
I dated a girl who had growth on her mind all the time. "What's our next step?" "Where are we going with this relationship?" kinda stuff. All the time. She could never enjoy being in the present and enjoying each other's company. It was all a means to a forever moving goal. I lasted about a year before we parted. Smell the roses people.
Sarah E Cofer 2 years ago
Oh right yall werent playing rummy 3000 or how it changed the wild card every round to keep the narcissists off the scent.
Load More Replies...
#32
Following up on promises.
#33
Calm and soft communication, my last few relationships weren’t that great OH AND CUDDLES LOTS AND LOTS OF CUDDLES AND KISSES
#35
Caring about each other’s well being, safety and happiness (and showing actions to this.) Communication. Feeling safe to be vulnerable. Being honest about feelings and what’s happening in your life. Trust and respect.
#36
Optimism and a positive outlook in there, no relationship benefitted from the kind of mentality that keeps thinking separation is inevitable because reasons.
#39
Open communication, congruency (as in their actions match their words), someone who is NOT quick to anger. Quick to anger is an immediate red flag for me.
#40
I need them to consistently show me through their actions that they are reliable and trustworthy. That when they say they care for you, support you and love you, they mean it and back it up with actions. Like they'll come to you when you need them to, they'll demonstrate their love for you through affection, compassion and intimacy.
#41
Sharing bed and bills
troufaki13 2 years ago
Sometimes not sharing a bed is better for the couple. Not getting a good night's sleep due to snoring or kicking is not good for the mental health.
#42
In my marriage, trust, healthy communication skills and the willingness to work through difficulties and finding a resolution which works for both of us.
#44
Honestly I wish I could get my boyfriend to tell the answer to this but he’s asleep. He’s honest, patient, kind, consistent, communicative and more certainly.
#45
I have anxious attachment… so sometimes I might need a bit of reassurance. Just for them to tell me they don’t hate me from time to time……..
#46
Patience is probably the biggest thing... Setting boundaries and respecting boundaries. No yelling. Being able to tell each other if something is a problem and both of us being able to work through it. Respect for each other’s opinion and in a serious relationship/marriage making decisions together and having the ability to compromise.
#50
Honestly, all I want is a partner who will put my needs first - that’s what I do by nature, sacrifice to make sure people have what they need, take into consideration how my life impacts theirs. I think if 2 people put each others needs/feelings above their own, each will feel heard, love, respected, and safe.
#52
Loyalty. Proven loyalty. Not just a feeling of loyalty. The type of I can check your phone and know everything about you loyalty. I'll do the same. If that's a problem. Then get the fuck away from me.
a really far away planet 2 years ago (edited)
I agree but like too much intimacy can become sometimes a problem
#53
If my husband went to bed at the same time as me. It's a simple thing, but doesn't happen often since I get sleepy much earlier than he does. I think it would make a positive impact, because I would sleep better and he would get more affection.
Jeremy Callahan 2 years ago
In a whole list that talks about respecting other's alone time and needs, this one is way out of place. I'm surprised (at the time of my comment) that it's the teaser for the article.
Seán Hannan 2 years ago
It's actually a very good teaser... I read the article so I could comment on this one. It's not an easy one to solve. If I go to bed early, I'll toss and turn for hours, keeping my wife awake. If I go to bed late, she feels like I'm neglecting her.
Load More Replies... #54
Communication, as everyone said. I also asked my husband not to watch porn, which he didn't have a problem with as he wasn't a big fan to begin with. (We are Gen-X'ers and already adults when broadband internet came out and porn exploded, so it's probably a little different for us.) But he was totally understanding, gave me no guff about it, and I trust him absolutely. In 12 years I've never worried about what was on his phone or anything, and i feel incredibly grateful for that. I feel so bad for what I hear other women going through, so i don't take him for granted.
What do you think ?
Brobro McDuderson 2 years ago
Most of these aren’t really women specific, they’re just food relationship advice for spouses to one another.
DBear 2 years ago
Wow. Flip this 180 degrees and it would be slammed for sexism and male toxicity..
TRQ 2 years ago (edited)
You know you can write an article about whatever you want right?
Load More Replies...
Gavin Johnson 2 years ago
This is one that works for all interactions / people. Differences of opinion are rarely binary, social media / politics / the world seems determined to draw battle lines based on you vs me, black / white, yes / no, all zeroes and ones. This is a very long way from the reality of most situations. There are huge areas of common ground, there are issues that we share and there are multiple viewpoints of situations, not just your point of view vs your partners, there’s a good chance that with some effective communication and starting from a point of trying to understand your partners frustration you’ll both be less inclined to butt heads. Be more kind!
Bubbles and sparks 2 years ago
What I didn't see (it maybe just missed), but what's very important to remember is that you don't expect your SO to "change" their ways for you when there are things that might annoy you ... Like that toothpaste cap, not cleaning up directly after themselves, hairs in the sink, smoke, cheat... If they do any of these when you start dating each other, it's a thing that's embedded in their nature. They might want to change things out of their own free will and that's okay, but never expect them to change because you think "you can change them", because simply said, you can't. They might try and fail after a while, which is even more frustrating for both. I've learned to accept my SO as he accepts me for everything we are. If we see something that annoys us, we either fix it ourselves, or don't make it an "my"-problem. This works so well, since we've been together, we haven't had a fight at all and we're together almost 7 years ☺️
Khandnalie E 2 years ago
Not even a single one of these is relevant to gender. Like, why do you have all of these articles about "Women say blah blah" (and somehow there's never articles from a male perspective) when ninety percent of the time the fact that women have the advice or whatever is completely irrelevant to what is said? This is just so weird.
Dee 2 years ago
While I agree about gender being irrelevant here perhaps you have missed the articles that show the male perspective, I’ve certainly seen some (I cannot say whether it’s a balanced representation or not but it is binary - oh I guess that means it isn’t balanced, more queer representation please!)
Load More Replies...
Stephanie Case 2 years ago
Common courtesy. My husband and I have been married 21 years, and we still always say please and thank you. It sounds silly, but you'd be surprised how many people will speak to a complete stranger with more respect than they do to the person who is supposed to mean the most to them.
Brobro McDuderson 2 years ago
Most of these aren’t really women specific, they’re just food relationship advice for spouses to one another.
DBear 2 years ago
Wow. Flip this 180 degrees and it would be slammed for sexism and male toxicity..
TRQ 2 years ago (edited)
You know you can write an article about whatever you want right?
Load More Replies... Gavin Johnson 2 years ago
This is one that works for all interactions / people. Differences of opinion are rarely binary, social media / politics / the world seems determined to draw battle lines based on you vs me, black / white, yes / no, all zeroes and ones. This is a very long way from the reality of most situations. There are huge areas of common ground, there are issues that we share and there are multiple viewpoints of situations, not just your point of view vs your partners, there’s a good chance that with some effective communication and starting from a point of trying to understand your partners frustration you’ll both be less inclined to butt heads. Be more kind!
Bubbles and sparks 2 years ago
What I didn't see (it maybe just missed), but what's very important to remember is that you don't expect your SO to "change" their ways for you when there are things that might annoy you ... Like that toothpaste cap, not cleaning up directly after themselves, hairs in the sink, smoke, cheat... If they do any of these when you start dating each other, it's a thing that's embedded in their nature. They might want to change things out of their own free will and that's okay, but never expect them to change because you think "you can change them", because simply said, you can't. They might try and fail after a while, which is even more frustrating for both. I've learned to accept my SO as he accepts me for everything we are. If we see something that annoys us, we either fix it ourselves, or don't make it an "my"-problem. This works so well, since we've been together, we haven't had a fight at all and we're together almost 7 years ☺️
Khandnalie E 2 years ago
Not even a single one of these is relevant to gender. Like, why do you have all of these articles about "Women say blah blah" (and somehow there's never articles from a male perspective) when ninety percent of the time the fact that women have the advice or whatever is completely irrelevant to what is said? This is just so weird.
Dee 2 years ago
While I agree about gender being irrelevant here perhaps you have missed the articles that show the male perspective, I’ve certainly seen some (I cannot say whether it’s a balanced representation or not but it is binary - oh I guess that means it isn’t balanced, more queer representation please!)
Load More Replies... Stephanie Case 2 years ago
Common courtesy. My husband and I have been married 21 years, and we still always say please and thank you. It sounds silly, but you'd be surprised how many people will speak to a complete stranger with more respect than they do to the person who is supposed to mean the most to them.
You May Like "Showers In Boiling Water": 46 Quirky And Funny Female Habits That Surprise Men The Most "What A Jerk": Woman Leaves Date In Less Than 2 Minutes After Catching On To His Plan Man Treats His Girlfriend Like A Princess, Then Invites Her On A 7-Week-Long Red Flag Parade: “I Woke Up”
Mindaugas Balčiauskas
Analice Couto
Gabija Palšytė
Related on Bored Panda
