There's no such thing as a perfect parent, but there are definitely some that come pretty close. Unfortunately, there are also those who are the complete opposite – toxic parents.
It’s no secret that toxic parenting can have a lasting effect on a child's self-esteem and can even lead to mental health issues later on in life.
So when someone wondered “What is a sign of toxic parenting?” on Ask Reddit, it was destined to turn into an illuminating read about the ways people can tell if their parenting methods do more harm than good.
Below we wrapped up some of the most interesting and thought-provoking responses, so scroll down. And let us know what you think are the signs of poor parenting in the comment section below!
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Always believing they're right because they're the adult and therefore not letting the child have any say.
My whole family. In fact, my uncle said as much or rather yelled it at me, as we were driving to the lawyer's office after my mother died. I've lived in this city my whole life, been driving these roads for nearly 30 years, I suggested he should get over to the right lane so he could take off the highway. he starts screaming at me "I'm older than you, I've been driving longer than you, I know better than you, you know nothing because you're just a child" I'm 43 and my 14 year old son was sitting in the back seat...
Kids who feel like nothing they do is good enough or they can't do anything right. Their parents have told them they are stupid or useless so often they have started to believe it.
Or parents who just don't care or are too busy to notice. I've struggled with this because I was bullied both by classmates and teachers. My parents were nowhere to be found. Now they are in complete denial. Took me a while to understand that my failures were not always my fault. Now I make sure not to make the same mistake with my daughter, who tends to doubt her abilities. I would hate myself if she started to actually believe it.
There's no one answer to what toxic parenting looks like, as every family is different. Some common signs that your parents might be toxic include always being critical of either of you or of each other; trying to control every aspect of your life; constantly comparing you to other people, or to their own expectations; being emotionally abusive; using guilt to manipulate you and many more.
In some extreme cases, controlling parents take over their children’s lives and can do a lot of harm. To find out how exactly overly controlling parents can alter their kids’ lives and what kind of effect they have over them, we spoke with Anisa Lewis, the Positive Parenting Coach.
Not being allowed to make mistakes and constantly being shouted at for them
The belief that your children belong to you, that they are beneath you and your property. That because you brought them into this world, you are owed respect. Respect and trust are gained, they are not owed.
I think of respect as more of a garden. Everyone has a plant in my garden. When you show respect to me you water and feed that plant. When you disrespect me your plant withers and dies. But everyone starts with at least a baseline of respect. I don't like the idea that respect is earned, like you start at zero, or that someone is due complete respect until shown otherwise. Respect is cultivated, and if you want someone to respect you, you are responsible for that cultivation
Never actually teaching your kids anything, just criticizing, "I told you so" and "because I said so"
Lewis argues that parents' main goal should always be to bring their children up with a solid foundation and strong values, “knowing the long-term aim is that they can be confident, independent and functioning members of society,” she said and added that obviously, there are a great number of factors that feed into this and each child and young adult as well as family is different.
When asked what could be the reasons why some parents control their kids so much, Lewis explained that there may be many factors to blame. She told us: “it could be their own upbringing and they are simply repeating the parenting that they received.” Moreover, “it could be cultural or an experience that they have had that has negatively affected them.”
Being unable to apologize, setting and enforcing standards they themselves don't follow
Mom always yells at me and threatens to punish me for crying or being angry but’s it’s perfectly fine for her to do it
Telling you to take responsibility without giving you freedom. Responsibility is only possible if you have the freedom to make the wrong choice but choose to make the right one.
This. By the time I was twelve, I was taking care of my half-siblings while my folks were at the bar. I was expected to clean, cook, iron my stepfather's shirts, and do the laundry, all while volunteering and maintaining an A average. I can't BELIEVE how easy it is to be an adult, because I have freedom now. I moved out of state at 17 and everything got much, much better.
Guilt tripping your kids into begging for your forgiveness.
“I bet you wish I was dead”, “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you”, etc.
Also, the silent treatment. Sometimes I argue with my mom and she snaps back asking why I'm arguing. At times she refuses to accept that I'm a separate human being capable of anger and having my own opinions. If that's the case she just stops talking to me so that I feel obliged to apologise even if it's not my fault.
Moreover, controlling parents are likely to be anxious or low in confidence (or self-esteem) themselves. “They can tend to, possibly by default, control what they can to keep themselves safe and thus part of this is the lives of their children,” Lewis explained.
Any sort of adept knowledge from their child about doing something sneakily. My parents have always been very strict about what I wore not only out in public, but even just hanging out with friends at their houses. I have since become a master at fashionably layering and they were never the wiser. All extremely strict parenting does is teach kids how to be stealthy and break rules without getting caught.
Any form of hitting and calling it "discipline"
It's not it's straight up abuse and it traumatizes your children I know cause I was raised off it and guess who I cut out of my life.
If you're the kind of person who justifies child abuse with "My parents hit me all the time and I grew up fine", you didn't, in fact, grow up fine.
Insisting you know your kids' mind better than they themselves do. Proclaiming what they experience, feel, think, and intend. Being dismissive or condescending when they try to speak for themselves.
Seeing your child as identical to you or an extension of you ("twinning"), and going around bragging about this.
Not acknowledging or neglecting their emotions.
Blaming their children for what are natural reactions to the parent's behaviour. (A similar dynamic "When he looks in the mirror and sees his dirty face, he tries to wash the mirror.")
For a child of any age, living with toxic parents is a very difficult situation to be in. Children may feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells and that they can never do anything right. Chances are, their homes are always full of yelling and criticism, which may alter their sense of home, safety and comfort.
Yelling at your kid for backtalking when they're really just having an opinion.
Parents who press their personal beliefs and practices upon their children. Maybe your daughter doesn't want to wear dresses all the time. So what? Maybe your son doesn't want to be the doctor that you weren't able to be. Okay... So?
For example, my parents are very religious and everything would be about religion and honoring God; yet, the ironic thing is, that my parents are extremely abusive- physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Don't force beliefs upon your children. Widen their perspective. Show them what's out there. And let them make their own decisions. Don't yell at them or hurt them if they're not doing it *your* way.
It should be illegal to indoctrinate your kids into religion. They're too young to make their own decisions and have enough to deal with as it is. Let them enjoy their childhood and have the freedom to choose when they're older.
“I cleaned your poop and fed you everyday selflessly” Bro you decided to have a kid and didn’t know that babies don’t start using the loo as soon as they’re born?
At the same time, for children of toxic parents, it is extremely important to try to find ways to cope with this situation. Spending time with supportive people is one way, and doing things that make you happy and make you feel good about yourself. In some cases, however, seeking professional help is the only way, and if a child feels like they are not able to handle the situation anymore, it’s best to not wait, but act as soon as possible.
If the kid is “mature for their age”, they are being severely neglected emotionally and most likely already have deep psychological scars.
Yes, can cofirm. Also, an interesting fact I'd like to add: when adult survivors of childhood (psychological) abuse look back at situations in their childhood, they typically appear to themselves as much older and more mature than they actually were.
Emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
I had years of this. I finally got my mother to stop contacting me by printing out a list of "Adverse Childhood Experiences" and checking off the ones I was subject to under her rule. Final score: eight out of ten. As an abusive narcissist, she can't admit what she's done, and this rude awakening did what nothing else could. It stunned her into silence.
Treating kids like they aren't supposed to have emotions
"You're such a drama queen!" "Why do you have to be so defensive all of the time?" "STOP THAT CRYING." Yeah, you torment us, we break and respond, and WE'RE the ones who are wrong? No, that's just abuse.
Telling your child to do something, then getting mad when they do it wrong.
One time my mom made me fold her laundry, then got mad at me because one her shirts was inside out.
I think about that every time I fold clothes now...
I cannot dry dishes. It triggers massive PTSD attacks even at age 46. My mom would make me dry the dishes every night with a single towel - lots of dishes -- and berate me constantly that I "did it wrong". Every night. Oh and yes, we had a dishwasher. She was insane about rules for it, you could barely use it and never, ever in the summer.
When children aren’t allowed to have boundaries under the guise of ‘’you shall have respect for your elders/parents/family’’
This is often where weaponized (Christian) forgiveness comes in, too. We all know the rhetoric. "How can you hang on to anger like this?" "Honor your father and mother!" "You seem like such an angry, sad person. You need to forgive and let go." No, actually, I'm allowed to be angry and resentful, have feelings, and hold others accountable for their abuses. Sorry it made Grandma cry, but the ones who were "disrespectful" were the relatives who molested me, not me for finally outing it.
Parents not understanding kids have bad days to. They may not have a bad day like an adult would, but to their little minds they can get just as overwhelmed as we can mentally.
I have to disagree with " to there a little minds" and "may not have a bad day like and adult would" because there day might be worse than an adults and it might not just be small. I had a earth-shattering panic attack at 10 and laid on the floor unable to move after my knees buckled because the earth and walls were shrinking and the only thing I could say for my hour of hardly breathing was "I'm not good enough, why can't I be perfect." I also had depression at 11 and contemplated suicide. So yeah a kids day can really suck sometimes
"Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about"
"I gave up so much for you and this is how you repay me , by being a little whining brat"
"Sometimes I wish I never had you , why can't you be like *friends name* who is always behaving politely and respectfully "
"Why don't you go and live with *friends name* and their parents. Maybe they will teach you some manners , once you have you can try try speak to me again"
Had this a lot during my childhood
Victim blaming, only seeing the wrong things and ignoring the accomplishments and good and such
I've mentioned before that my childhood was pretty much a constant gauntlet of bullying and sexual abuse. Every. Single. Time. I mustered the courage to beg my mom to help me, she deflected and made it like it was my fault. My stepfathers had SUCH hard childhoods, I needed to be more understanding, and not put so much stress on them. So-and-so was abused. So-and-so was in Vietnam. So-and-so had mean parents. Maybe I should consider that one of my four-dozen tormenters at school were going through a rough time at home? Or were sad? Or hurt? Maybe I should try reaching out and being friends? OR HEY, MAYBE MY ABUSE AND PAIN WAS JUST AS BAD, MOM? "Hurt people hurt people" is not a f*****g "get out of jail free" card, especially not when it's suggested that, because they had a bad childhood, they now get to destroy mine, too. STOP VICTIM BLAMING CHILDREN. It's not their job to make life easier or more bearable for the adults. If you're that hurt, get therapy.
Thinking that asking a question is arguing
What this means is that your parents don't genuinely love you. They "love" you (huge quotation marks) but it means they don't want you to communicate with them to force them to exert any effort whatsoever pretending they actually care you were born. So you ask a question, it's an inconvenience because you're not supposed to be there... you're just there for the tax breaks... they want you to be more like a stuffed animal or a caged hamster.
When the kids are all in activities they hate because its what the parents want them to do. Living their life over through their kids.
I’ve had to do cello since second grade. My mom’s side of the family has always done some sort of music thing, but it stresses me out so much. She just won’t let me quit.
Getting your kids to pick sides in your broken marriage
This is so, so hard. The way my mom phrased it was "Your father loves you as best as he can." That was the only way to understand why he never called, wrote, or had any interest in us except for maybe once a year for a "family" thing where he needed to look like a good dad in front of his brothers. Two insecure, stupid teenagers got married and crapped out kids for all sorts of insecure reasons to make themselves feel important and fulfilled before they'd grown up at all themselves, and then embarked on years of fights and cheating and open marriage? You both sucked, Mom and Dad.
Helicopter parenting
I see so much of this coming directly from Gen X-ers and growing up as latchkey kids. So many swung that pendulum in the extreme opposite direction as parents themselves that now I have students who start college and have never completed a homework assignment without a parent. They break down at every step of a project or paper because the second they were a little uncomfortable, Mom or Dad would swoop in. Now they have zero life/coping skills.
I've met a lot of messed kids whose divorced parents would use them as an outlet to rip on the other parent, and try and pit the kid against the other parent. It makes you question who's really acting like the child here.
Oh yes, but it doesn't happen only with divorced parents, but sometimes also with those who stay together "for the kids". Toxic AF. ☹
Telling their kids that they have to finish EVERYTHING on their plate, even if they get nauseated or throw up as a result.
... and what good does that make? When you feel full it is your body's way of telling you that you have already supplied it with what it needs. Eating beyond that point will only add exess callories, which will be stored as fat. Yes that extra food on the plate is wasted if thrown out, but stuffing it into your body will also do not good, but might lead to an obesity issue later. So how about focusing on not putting too much food on the plate, by teaching you child that it is okay to aim for the lower side at first, and then adjust with a second (or third or fourth...) serving later? Sometimes we just get the guestimate wrong, because the food is "heavier" than anticipated and then we cannot eat it all. You learn along the way, and it will take some experience to get the portion size right most of the time. Especially if they did not dose the food themselves, e.g. because you were at a restaurant, requiring them to clean the plate is rediculous.
If you feel like you can't be open and honest with them, even over things that are not bad.
Promising your kids something, and not following through. This happened about a year ago. I used to have extreme warts on my face and legs. My mom promised me a hundred bucks if I could stop picking at and ruining my face (two red flags already), and promised my brother a hundred bucks to grow out his buzzcut. Weeks pass, and I douse my face in apple cider vinegar. After about three months of scabs on my face, and waiting for the vinegar burns on my face, I had glass skin. During the three months, my brother's buzzcut had grown out and his hair looked great, so he got his money. I asked my mom for my money and she responded with:
"Clara, I already spent a lot of money dying your hair purple. Don't be spoiled."
My hair was no longer purple. A year and a half before this situation, I had lost all my friends, and nobody was really interested in hanging out with me, so my mom suggested getting my hair dyed, and I was SO excited, so of course, I gave in.
By no means is my family running short on money, I think my mom just didn't feel like it.
The broken promises pattern is a big one. I look back on my relationship with both of my parents, especially my mom, and never once did either of them follow through on a promise, a suggestion, or an idea. EVER. It really screwed with how I understood goals and achieving them, and what was even possible. As a child, everything was out of reach and impossible, and "maybe we can go to the library this weekend" was as far-fetched as "let's plan a road trip to Disney!" Even something like my mom promising to replace the things that my brother broke never had any follow through. Now? I set a f*****g goal and mow it down like a beast.
Telling them “I feed you I raised you and kept a roof over your head” because they didn’t do something you wanted them to do.
That’s emotionally abusive and that’s literally the bare minimum you HAVE to do as a f**k parent.
1)You feel your accomplishments don't matter.
2) you are over sensitive to minor changes in other people's emotions
3) you get startled pretty easily
4) you people please to the extent that it hurts you
5) you think your emotions don't matter
6) you over compensate
7) the thought of even a day without them is relaxing
8) you have a problem with setting boundaries
Refusing to let them grow up. My Mom did this with me and I see it in kids I babysit.
It’s one thing to enjoy the occasional sick cuddles. It’s another thing to keep them in diapers because you don’t want your baby to grow up
This is a facet of helicopter parenting, too. These parents want to feel needed, wanted, loved by their children to the point that they will emotionally stunt them to keep that relationship with that dynamic. They aren't raising kids to be healthy adults, they're raising a f*****g fan club.
Raising your child in an unhealthy manner then expecting them to suddenly become the opposite when they get older, and if they don't, blaming them for it. I feel like I see this a lot with dependence/independence: a parent does everything for/with their child then expects them to suddenly become completely independent at a certain age. Of course there are normal steps a person needs to take on their own during any major life transition (e.g. when transitioning from being dependent to independent/becoming an adult), but in this case, a parent putting all this pressure on the child alone seems a bit toxic to me.
Others are being overprotective and expecting your child to support you financially/emotionally (nothing wrong with caring for family, but it becomes toxic when 1) a parent starts guilting their child for not doing so and 2) a parent starts e*xpecting* their child to do so on a regular basis).
Don’t know if you call it toxic, but scolding your kid for behaviours that you as an adult regularly fall into. Eg being moody/irritable when tired or hungry or after a bad day…
Just being unnecessarily angry at the most inconsequential things that kids are bound to do. They’re kids, they’re bound to do dumb s**t or bound to make a mess or break things.
Yes there’s discipline and what not to teach them right from wrong, but I’ve lost count of how many parents I’ve seen over the years totally lose their cool and just lash out at their small kids like “oh my god what is wrong with you! Why did you do that!!?” etc etc.
I just think to myself, dude how old are you again? You’re an adult (and a parent) and you still haven’t learned to productively control and manage your emotions?
I get it, raising kids is tough. But damn at least set a good example in terms of conflict resolution and all.
1. If your life at home is supposed to be some kind of secret to the outside world, it is toxic.
2. If your parents say no to basic things like shoes and clothing or even a special toy you ask for on holidays "because I say so" or "we can't afford that" but then turn around and shower themselves with collectables, clothing and shoes, that's toxic.
3. Weird financial stuff. For example, my mom made me pay for a car, behind my dad's back, and then made me give the car back when I got married. When I reminded her she made me write her checks, she said "oh that was just to use the car!" Another thing was when I finished paying off my student loans, I found out my mother had pocketed MY refund checks. She had always said there was no refund.
4. When they discourage age appropriate milestones. Like having friends, learning to drive, etc.
5. If they make you be around people who clearly make you uncomfortable. Like relatives who were inappropriate towards you, but it's a holiday so don't make us uncomfortable. Run.
6. When they make your feelings out to be a total inconvenience.
....I think that covers the last few years of things I discovered in therapy....
One of the only big blow-ups I had with my grandmother was when she wanted to invite the cousin who'd molested me for 8 years to Christmas. Choked with sobs because she was heartbroken that he'd "spend the holiday alone," she begged me to "forgive him" and "move on." No. Effing. Way. "Do you really expect me to sit at the holiday dinner table and pass the potatoes to the guy who abused me for my entire childhood? You expect me to introduce George to him, you expect George to pass him the potatoes?" (Sadly, that was the argument that she got.) Also, he's "alone" because he's a meth-addicted alcoholic POS who hates everything.
Personally, my father once said that it "wasn't his job to care about how I felt" because he's not a female. Note, that this was immediately after I told him I wanted to live with my mom and when he asked me why (after throwing a chair at me and cussing me out) and I told him a multitude of reasons but the main one was the fact that I felt like my feelings were ignored and as long as I was cared for monetarily I didn't matter. The same man who refused to let me talk to my mom outside of the weekend visits we had every other weekend.
And now, I might as well be incapable of healthily expressing my feelings.
So, tldr: Totally invalidating a child's feelings because the parent is convinced that they only need to care for a child physically.
Funny how family courts literally will only ever seem to give the kid in a divorce to the worst possible parent. Our Family Courts system is completely broken because we are afraid to admit it but we straight up hate children in this country (once they're born). An unborn fetus is treated like it's worth more than gold but once the kid is born we only care that is suffers as much as humanly possible.
As a teacher, calling your teenage horrible person of a son or daughter a "baby."
How is a fifteen year old sociopathic teen a baby? They're about three years away from being charged as an adult for the f****d up things they do to others, two in some states. Yet some parents show up to school trying to justify and cover for their "babies," even if we have video footage of them committing crimes like damaging property or stomping out another student for petty reasons.
Sometimes they even brutally attack teachers, and parents first words will still, "you have to understand our baby has been through so much." I don't have to understand s**t once that line is crossed and no baby could do that to another person. So, something is very wrong with a lot of parents in our society. Just FYI. This is a recurring pattern we see every year.
"They don't understaaaand-" Then that's what they'll learn in my class. Now go the f**k away.
Knowing whose footsteps are whose.
Perfect lying skills
The only copping mechanism you know is "suck it up, it's not that bad"
Having zero social skills
Feeling like the slightest mistake makes you a mistake
Ok aren't knowing footsteps normal? Like you live with these people for ages you will learn to recognise it...
I have a friend (let’s call Judy) who is literally surveilled by her parents 24/7. We are both 17/18 and yet our lives are so different.
The first time I met Judy’s parents at a competition we were both apart of. Both of Judy’s parents were Veterans who fought in Afghanistan (her father even losing a leg!) although the competition was a good 100 miles away and the bus could only take students, her parents showed up and were on her like a HAWK.
The competition was on a college campus and we were limited to where we can and couldn’t go. But overall, a good square mile. When we got off the bus, Judy took out her flip phone and found that her parents called her 5 TIMES from just the bus ride. When they arrived, they would follow Judy and I around 6ft behind not giving her any privacy. What was also really weird was the obsessive amount of pictures her mother wanted to take of her even when she wasn’t comfortable. She was able to sneak away and eat lunch with us in peace but her mother was furious.
Prom was a complete disaster. We were having a wonderful time before I was getting a little hot and stepped out for a breath of fresh air. HER MOTHER WAS GUARDING THE DOOR WATCHING HER DAUGHTER. Seriously? It’s prom! They check our bags before we go in!
The most delinquent thing I’ve ever seen Judy do is put on her rings at school because her parents didn’t like them. She’s a straight A student and was stellar in the competition we were in. Toxic parenting is refusing your child to be independent and have a break for crying out loud!
they remove the door to your room.
Whenever I ask my mom to leave my room because she’s yelling at me or threatening me, or she’s yelling at me so I go to my room cause I don’t want to have a mental breakdown in front of her but she just follows me in and keeps yelling at me so I ask her to leave and she says “it’s my room, I’m just letting you stay in it” I’m 16… and when I do have a door I’m never allowed to have a lock
Smashing the kids electronics that the kid paid for with their own money
Rare but this does happen. Parents destroying things a kid bought with their own actual hard work (either through chores or whatever). Same thing with taking money they earned. Rare but I've seen both...
"You're not depressed! What do you have to be depressed about? Your life is so easy compared to mine. All you do is go to school and see those little friends of yours. You're not sleep deprived because of babies, You don't have to revolve your life around other people! F**k you get to poop in place. So stop being an attention seeking drama queen/whore and know that your problems are NOT as bad as my problems and if you had REAL depression you wouldn't be so happy when you saw your little friends! Oh and by the way, they hate your guts. I know this because.... (insert fake a*s reasons here) and even if they do like you - they don't know the real you. They know the fake you, the one who pretends to be nice. But I know you better than all of them and I know what you're REALLY like".
There are many signs that can indicate toxic parenting, but some of the most common ones include:
1. A parent who is constantly critical of their child, or who is quick to anger.
2. A parent who is overly involved in their child's life, to the point of being intrusive.
3. A parent who is excessively controlling, or who attempts to micromanage their child's life.
4. A parent who is emotionally abusive, either through their words or their actions.
5. A parent who is physically abusive, either through hitting, slapping, or other forms of violence.
If you see any of these signs in your own parenting, it's important to seek help from a professional. Toxic parenting can have serious consequences for children, including low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and even behavioral problems.
I will say one that might feel s bit controversial
For me it's pulling the "Fred and George Weasley", what I mean is having twins and raising them as if they are the same person, not caring about them having different characters and having do everything together just because they are siblings and look alike. One wants to start playing basketball? the other one has to go aswell. I think you get the idea
This has always bothered me. Twins run in my family so when I decided to have kids, I vowed not to treat them like bookends. My twin cousins really resented being dressed alike or being treated as half of a person. They have totally different personalities. They really struggled. with their identities growing up. They were always referred to as "the twins" instead of their names. I'll never understand why parents do that. Because it's "cute"??
When my cousins step brother traveled upon arrival he had to call his mom, his grandmom, then their minister/priest. Each call took about an hour. The call to the priest was to confess any impure thoughts he had while driving alone.
This was for any drive over an hour. If he didn't do this he faced punishment. The guy was 26 When he moved out.
Yikes! I might understand a short call to relatives to tell them you have reached your destination safely. But spending an hour? that sounds like a huge waste of time. He is a grown up by now, so all you can do is to make sugestions about what you want. Straight up punishing a grownup for not complying with the rules that you have set, is beyound resonalbe. He should be able to make his own decitions by now, so that level of controling behaviour is completely out of place. Sounds like a cult.
S**t my dad has said to me growing up were definitely red flag toxicity. S**t like “Your grampa embarrassed me in public growing up, now it’s my turn!” and “I think your friend is gay, he better not make you gay!”
Giving the child absolutely everything and anything they ever want, unable to say no.
Sure, give them things, but not everything. This isn't nice, it spoils them and doesn't teach them any value of earning things and then you get teens/young adults who feel they're entitled to everything.
Threaten your child with abandonment and unemployment just because they refuse to pick the major you want them to study.
When a parent refuses to believe you after presenting loads of irrefutable proof.
Or when they refuse to look at the proof and only believe it when it comes from another person (me, telling my dad something about Putin "you liar, there's no way he would loose time doing that", literally the next day "hey I read so so on Putin this morning. What no you never told me this" (it was about Putin forbidding gay marriage in the Russian constitution, we are not Russian but I am NB so I often have this kind of informations on my phone, he thought I played victim))
I have a personal experience with my toxic parents:
* Undermining everything good thing you have done in your life
* Making unfair comparisons
* Being cruel to your out of a twisted sense of justice
* Acting immoral but holding your children to an unrealistic standard
* Turn other family members against you
* Spying on you
* Cursing you and hoping you suffer when they don't get their way
* Strategically using weaknesses against you in a middle of argument
* Speaking negatively about you behind your back
* Breaking their promises
* Feeling entitled to your money
* Dumping their debts and problems on your shoulders
* Call you vile names and yet still demand you owe them something
* Using religion as sword and shield against you
* Reminding you how much you owe them
1, 4, 5, 6, 7, ESPECIALLY 8!, 9, 10, 11,12, 14. Gosh I'm fricked up
Comparing you to your other parent when you’re in an argument
“You’re just like your mother!” Oh, so a saint. Thanks!! (I wish I had said this as a kid sometimes!)
Being strict, for the sake of being strict.
There's nothing wrong with strictness in and of itself. It's a good thing IF it produces more productivity, fulfillment, and efficiency. is it keeping everybody happy? Is it keeping everybody active and productive? Is it flexible?
It becomes a problem when the strictness serves no purpose, or only serves to keep people on their toes, or make them think they're walking on thin ice all the time.
Denying the child any privacy because “they only want the best for them” and “they have a right to know”
concrete examples include going over my trash and placing it on my desk, opening letters without permission, copying over all my phone contacts and actually using those numbers on non-emergencies
I once read about a parent who removed the door to the childs room. Imagine potentially being under surveilance 24/7, that must be a major stress factor.
Punishing adult children when they don't do everything you say by silent treatment or nasty texts. ..days later acting like nothing happened. Saying , "you never let go of things."
Narcissism
How can a child gain self-esteem, confidence and strong will if the parent is diminishing their achievements while comparing themselves to their children as someone who's doing more and better?
Micromanaging their kids to suit other peoples’ opinions of the parent. Basically the classic “What will other people say/think?”
Really can mess a kid up and perpetuate people pleasing tendencies and a lack of identity
when they say "i never said that you made that up" when i told my mom how she doesn't let me go out with friends or even have male friends. ☹️
Invalidating your identity and life choices.
Like refusing a coming out "Dad I am..." "no, you're not" (true story)
Seeing a parent getting mad or hitting a kid for wanting a toy or a piece of candy in the store… kids are supposed to like candy and toys what the hell did you expect from them
No, you shouldn't get mad just because your child wants something a child SHOULD want. However, you see these kids in stores all the time not just asking for a toy. But screaming and throwing a fit because mom told them no. Hitting is never ok. But it's perfectly reasonable to get irritated and get on to the child. Yes, it's normal behavior. But it's normal behavior that needs to be corrected.
Justifying shi**y behaviour with "I'm only doing this because I care".
Parentification
OMG yes. My little sister has no memories of my mother or father bathing her or reading to her, she remembers me doing that. I am 4 years older than her.
My mom made me have an insane distrust in anyone around me. I always have to have some sort of dirt on ever close friend i have. This is because my mom will promise that things i deeply care about wont be taken from me, but when she wants me to behave, she will take them. She will manipulate me, gaslight me. Say that i expect her to be perfect when i only expect her to uphold her promises. I cant trust anything or anyone around me anymore. I *need* a way to destroy someones life to trust them. Just in case they try to ruin mine. I hate that. I have only realized this recently. Im 13. Im 13 and i dont have any real trust in anyone because of her. I cant get therapy. Im stuck.
You've realised. Regardless of how recently that was, many people don't get that far for years later, if at all. A problem identified is a problem that, if not solveable, can be helped. There are also free resources out there, including online counselling. You might be stuck _for now_ in _certain_ respects, but one day you'll be free from those, even though you likely can't see how now.
not being able to be honest, having to distance yourself, yelling at you as communicating
Modeling poor coping mechanisms and then being surprised and angry that the kids mirror their poor coping mechanisms.
Expecting their kids to know how to do something that they never taught them.
Discouraging/shaming a child for being themselves
Having punishments not fit the offence, if I forgot to do the dishes having my phone taken away is not a valid punishment
The first time I saw Matilda, I couldn't believe that actual things I used to get punished for were used here as hyperbole. Yes, I got grounded once at 14-15 because I was doing my homework, and Step2 decided I was "a snob" and should "come watch TV with the rest of the family for a change." I thought he was joking and started to nervously giggle and asked "You... want me to go to school tomorrow and tell my algebra teacher I didn't do my homework because I had to watch TV with the family?" which meant I got another smack in the face and screamed at about what a backtalking little b***h I was.
Infantilizing your kid. After a point it’s insulting and degrades their sense of autonomy. Even worse when they become an adult LOL
Farming your children off to a long line of au pairs and other substandard help, all of whom get sent away and replaced so the children don't form a steady bond with anyone. If you're going to have someone help raise your child, make sure it's someone consistent and decently skilled that you can keep around in the long term.
On that note, failing to treat the people raising your children with respect.
Giving up on your kid. If they're experiencing hard times like failing in school, or engaging in unsafe sexual activity and you just don't even try to help them at all. You just go oh well guess they want to fail.
Putting thier love life 1st. Whatever new bf comes along you better hope they like you/kids or you'll just be sitting in your room till the next one comes along
Saying NO to everything and not letting the kid have individuality.
If the kid has anxiety issues and wants to learn a skill that is taught outside of school - don't just ask them to find out information about it. Help them by asking if they want your help by going along with them to find that said information.
Edit: adding to this. F**k all reward based mentality - like don't put unnecessary pressure on your kid by bribing them with some sort of reward if they get good grades or if they hit a home run in a game. F**k your mentality!
I have a hard time going to school and we have a reward system for me going to school. 4 weeks/ month = magazine and a whole term is going out for lunch. It does help me going to school consistently
Ruin your reputation around people to get their attention and sympathy
My parents are old and old fashioned and maybe this is part of it. But they pretend to care about my mental health and then they do stuff that destroys it. I have no coping skills. I dont know how to handle my emotions. Because of this I completely failed my first year of college. My dad is all, suck it up and go on with life.
Holding you back because they’re too scared for you to not need them bc they “love” you
A young obese child
Really? Ignoring issues like hyperthyroidism? Yes, a child becoming obese due to negligent or abusive parenting is possible, but not every case of obesity.
When your child has C-PTSD, and both of you are a major part of that for many reasons.
Withholding food as punishment
That's literally illegal (child abuse). Most parents are afraid to do that because a malnurished child can land them with actual legal troubles. Then again, most parents seem to hold some serious disdain for their own kids so I think a percentage of them consider mild starvation as "worth the risk to have such complete power over another human." Must feel really good tbh if you're a sociopath but decided to have kids anyways.
Saying "I know" without knowing anything about the topic at all
I admit I do this while driving, but I'm trying to focus and being told every single detail is a bit distracting. Saying this as a learning driver. But in most cases yes, this
Friend of mine once had a coworker (middle-aged female mom) whose daughter was studying to be a nurse. Mom routinely *did the daughter's homework for her*.
I feel for whomever was subjected to daughter's care.
No worries. If she doesn't do the studying and learning herself she won't be able to pass the NCLEX end become an actual nurse
authoritarian need for control over their children. Belittling and nasty psychological warfare that gets personal for no reason. "I'm your parent not your friend" mentality.
It is a delicate balance though. Sometimes as a parent you just have to step up and straight up tell your child what to do. They don't have your experiences, so if they are given the option of always doing everything as the want, they are bound to hurt or even kill themselves, or make some really poor decitions that they will have to pay a high price for later in life (skipping school, teenage pregnancies etc.) due to a lack of knowledge about how the world works. The "I am my child's best friend"-attitude can also be really bad, as the kind relationship between equal people you have with friends is very different from assymmetric relationship between a grown up and a child. Of course you should listen to your child, and let their opinion weigh in on the decitions, but if they want ice cream and pancakes for dinner everyday, it might be the right time to be the adult and not the friend.
Letting your children get away with certain behavior without any reprisal or discipline, and then suddenly going total apes**t one time for them doing what they’ve always thought was okay to do.
Saying you’re making stuff up and that you’re crazy when you point out the most of the mistakes/abuse the parent(s) caused.
Bonus points if they say they’re “nauseous,” and have to walk away when you’re finally proving them wrong. Double bonus points if they make a p**s poor acting job of puking.
Idk if other parents do this but my mom does and it sounds toxic asf (here's some backstory) apparently when me and my siblings were like real little kids we went to visit family in Alabama. There was some woman there, let's call her J. Apparently she was like a married-in sibling to my dad or some s**t, and her mom (my grandma) would talk about her to my dad in front of my mom (stuff like "she's a real pretty girl".) Apparently this made my mom mad and it caused a lot of family drama (like they were considering divorce.) Now sometimes when my mom gets mad at me and my siblings she'll say "I bet you wish you lived with J, you think she'd be a better mom than me." Thing is I don't even remember the woman. I haven't seen her since I was like 4 and I'm almost 15 now. Idk man it sounds toxic to me
I *had* (past tense for many, many reasons) a friend and he and his then girlfriend/now wife were toxic as f**k with her kids (and I assume the one they have together now, too). Anytime the kids did anything they didn't like, it was *immediately* yelling, belittling, threatening, or hitting. There was no in between, and it didn't matter how minor the "infraction" was.
I once overheard my former friend ranting at one of his step daughters for a solid 10 minutes because she left a glass of water half finished on the table. The girl said she was going to get something out of the other room and was coming back, but he just turned that into "well you're always leaving s**t all over the house so how the f**k could I know that?!". She yelled back and that's when he started threatening to whoop her with a belt and take away her things for "disrespecting" him. Step daughter was like 11 by the way. He was 33 and had only been with their mom for like 2 years at the time. Their mom is no better, I'd overheard her doing plenty of the same.
Those kids got a s**t set of parents.
I’m not surprised he yelled at her for 10 minutes. My sister once put a mixer she used to make muffins or cupcakes straight into the dishwasher and my mom yelled at her for 13 minutes and 47 seconds or so. That’s AFTER I started recording! Toxic parents yell at their kids for a long time no matter how small the problem is.
Constantly passing your kids off to family members you know hate them because you can't be bothered (thanks, sperm-donor).
My mom decided to move half way across the country for a pipe dream job she was fired from after less than a month. It came with housing and utilities. It was a nice effort, but not cutting your losses and moving back to the much less expensive state (WV to FL.) was just such s**t.
Not to mention that after moving around so much during my life because of my dad being in the military, we had finally settled down in WV. I had friends and I was very close to having my first girlfriend. (We both liked each other and we’re friends.) But no. We stayed in FL for 2 years barely scraping by while my sister slaved away with two jobs while my mom chased more pipe dream jobs that never worked out. We eventually cut it quits and moved back to WV and into my sister’s fiancé’s house. Still in WV and my life is going good again.
punishing kids for getting bad grades even if they tried their best... seen it happen to a lot of people
Freshman year, I had a total of 2 and a half weeks where I wasn't grounded bcuz of bad grades. I was heavily suicidal all throughout the school year and experiencing full blown drug addiction. And asked to get help multiple times
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talk about toxic : not aknowledging badparents exist like people who DO NOT care about being good parents : evil people they do exist! the tagline to this article says "Even if parents want what's best for their kids, they can do more harm than good without realizing that" refusing to aknowledge some people DO NOT want the best for their kids!! speaking of experience; and they always forgive the adult by "he doesn't know any better" etc... (just that and they always assume by default the adult is well meaning and it is impossible a parent would hurt/not-care/not-love speaking of experience but again I remember a boredpanda article from months ago about Brittney Spears' father exploiting her drugging her committing her 😡😡 TELL ME HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!!!!😡😡😡
There are always exceptions but easily ninety percent of parents are doing the best they can for their child. As a shrink it's really hard not to recognize these endless cycles of trauma and abuse because the parents experienced the same thing and genuinely don't know any better. Yes, they should have been smart enough and strong enough to end that cycle but that's a much bigger ask than we realize with all the trauma in the world. The only thing we can do is do our best heal that trauma and save the next generation from the same pain or at the very least make it a little easier than they had it. Every parent should strive to do better than their parents but for many people that's an incredibly low bar. P.S. I hope you're ok :)
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I would say not giving your kids boundaries and not saying no to them. A friend of my SIL was doing this and now when she says no to her daughter, the little girl has a massive tantrum every time. Doesn’t matter if they are at home or in public. Also ignoring the signs that your child has autism, adhd etc and fobbing it off as the kid just expressing themselves. I know a couple who are only now dealing with their child’s autism after ignoring for years as they were focused on their jobs/ denying their child has challenges they need help with.
Regarding autism, something I've seen and heard of is parents saying "that's not autistic, that's normal" but it's only normal for the parent, not anyone else. In other words, the parent has autism / similar behaviours and genuinely doesn't realise their child is doing anything unusual. On its own, not too bad. The problem really arises when their attitude is reversed back at them when they're told "that isn't normal, it's autistic" and not realising that they should probably get therapy themselves.
Load More Replies... For those of us that understood or related to these as I did - you're here. You have been reading, learning and you know that what was done to you was wrong. That's the first step and it's a haaaarrrrd one. It takes most folks until they're 30-40 years old before they realize they were abused! You are a survivor. You will overcome. It will be hard work, you might always hear the voices of your past, but someday they get a little less. Maybe not gone, but less.
Agree, hard. Most of us will need some therapy to get through, and to sort our experiences and make sense of them. One exercise that made all the difference to me was that I "re-raised" myself. I went back through my entire childhood in my mind, and for every single time I was hurt, failed, left behind, lost, forgotten, I took that version of me someplace she was loved, celebrated, and could have fun. The zoo, when my mom forgot me, and the start of so many of my abandonment issues when I was 3? I took my inner child back to the zoo, and made sure she knew I was there and watching and I'd never forget her. I gave myself make-up birthday parties and celebratory dinners. I bought myself toys and books I'd never had. I told my childhood self constantly the things she never heard, or heard in weaponized versions: she was smart, special, interesting, good. I gave her hugs. And yes, I mentally went through old abuses, and put adult-me in there, protecting child-me. It helped heal a lot.
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My coworker used to sit here and just tell me how terrible her daughter was. Like daily. The tantrums she'd have, how bad she was at school, nothing this girl did was ever good enough. One day she showed me a video she took as an example of her daughter's behavior, what I saw was her and her sister taunting this poor girl in to a tantrum. Just egging her on. I'd scream too if I were her daughter.
Are you in a position to say anything? That poor, poor kid. Even just a version of your last sentence, "I'd scream, too, if I was being tormented by my mom and aunt that way"? "Why do you think that's okay?" "What would you have her do instead?" I mean, I know it's not your responsibility, but I just know even ONE PERSON saying "That's not right" during my childhood would've made a huge difference.
Load More Replies... For anyone who is just starting to realize that some of these things apply to you, I recommend the book by Beverly Engel, "It wasn't your fault". Definitely not a substitute for therapy, but I think it's a good starting point. I read it years ago and it helped me understand many of the things I was feeling. Word of caution if you live with your parents, don't leave such a book lying around, if they're toxic they will use it against you for sure.(Not sure if book recommendations are Ok on BP, if not please let me know and I'll delete my comment)
Turning your back on your child because he/she comes out as part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Okay, whoever downvoted that? You are a horrible person. You are as horrible as parents who turn their backs on their kids when they come out. Lucky for you, many of them end up in my classrooms. So parents (esp Conservative Christian parents) out there, when you fail your kids repeatedly, destroy their souls, and make them feel like they aren't worthy of existing because they happen to be queer/depressed/agnostic/different, that's when they come talk to me. I will make sure they are loved, protected, and accepted. (THIS is one of the main reasons why these shitbags are so freaked out about college and professors. We aren't "brainwashing" your kids, you vacuous assholes. We're often preventing them from killing themselves because of your abuse.)
Load More Replies... Hi, fellow survivors and adventurers. Some of you are still in it. One possible option = your college professors. While in HS and lower grades, teachers are legally obligated to communicate with your parents. Not so in college! Legally, we cannot disclose *anything* about you to your parents. This means that if you need help, most of us will be available to you and have a variety of resources. Many of us struggle with the same things, too, from anxiety to panic to gender issues to money issues for school. So if you are experiencing abuse, or THINK you might be, seek one of us out. Come to our office hours. If we can -- and it does depend on the school's rules -- we will do everything we can to keep you safe. This includes code words during online classes if your parents interrupt, or help finding funding so you can move out. You matter to us.
All of these horrifying posts just make me believe even more that parenting should be an EARNED privilege, not a right.
I have one to add to this list... "I'm ashamed of you" and "don't embarrass me when we go over there"... the embarrassment would be me acting normal as I always was... 40 years later and the scar is only now beginning the heal because I refuse to see my father any longer.
Not acknowledging mental health problem and when they do, get mad because you understood it so soon compared to them that you already know and tried everything they suggest (like they started to consider me being hypersensitive two freaking years after my freaking diagnosis that they refused to consider real at the time. And were furious when the book they gave me (wonderful when you don't know much but unusefull when you already know the basics) didn't learn me anything and I didn't even finish it due to clearly not helping me at all...
My mother did almost every single thing mentioned here ... explains why I'm so f***d up
I've got one; treating your kids differently based on gender. I have two older brothers who have been going to or having sleepovers ever since I can remember. But whenever I (a girl) asked about sleeping over at a friend's house or having a friend sleepover, the answer was always no. As well as even going out to hang out with them. The only chance I would ever get to see my friends aside from school was at birthday parties. I am turning nineteen soon and have never once had a sleepover. My brothers are allowed to have their girlfriends over when there's no one else, but I'm not allowed to have a guy friend over when I don't even have feelings for him. (Also this, trying to force these beliefs on your kids about men and women not being able to be around each other without having to do with s*x). Don't treat your kids differently based on their gender and then deny it once they see what's going on and decide to call you out on it.
I started commenting, then decided, no, I'll be commenting on every single one of these, that my mom and dad and pretty much all the adults in my life did and still do all these things to me. I mean seriously, every one of these is/was my life (except the taking sides after divorce, they never divorced) Worse, mom convinced all her friends that I was a liar, and even now after her death, her friends still treat me like a lying little child (I'm 43 and have never been a child). I'm getting no help with cleaning out her house or after my major back surgery this past Tuesday (Aug. 16th, 2022) because even they think I'm a piece of shite and all my friends are scattered across the globe and can't get to me for whatever reason. I have no friends local because of my parents and now I'm looking to strangers on the internet for any help I can get. I've regretted being born my whole life, this just reiterates that.
That's too much for any one person. Please, do you have access to therapy? Someone else has gotta do the heavy lifting for you a bit, so you can heal! <3
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wow they checked off nearly the whole list… both were only mildly physical, and heavy on the psychological/verbal—— I like to proclaim I’m accountable for how I am now, but I catch myself reacting to something buried in my past. I still feel the weight of hyper vigilance and solitude. How does one break free?
Unconditionally believing everything your kid says even when there's proof otherwise. "Oh, little Johnny/Sally would never do that, he/she wouldn't lie." I'm sorry, but kids will and do lie. Thinking your kids are little angels. I've got a newsflash, they aren't. My kids were well behaved a d rarely gave me problems but they weren't angels.
My stepsons' mother...she's just awful. We've had to have a long sit down talk with them about how to treat each other because she just can't be the example. She's even convinced one of them it's his fault her and her mother (who passed away recently) weren't speaking when she passed (it had to do with topics concerning him). The older one is looking for a place to live, the younger one is counting down the days until high school is over to go into the military. It breaks my heart, but she's the parent with more money, more providing finances. A kid should be excited to leave home, not counting down the days like they're in prison.
Yes. But if you are a minor like me,you can't particularly do much about it because you shouldn't trust anyone . They might seem nice,but then they might end up using all of this against you
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My father is a narcissist whom can't take blame for anything. Over the years I watched my bubbly mother become more and more "flat" as she took the blame for literally everything. Even though he was right there, he didn't even act like a parent either. My mother practically raised us as he took every job he could that would require him to be gone for longer hours or even jobs that meant he was gone for WEEKS at a time. Because of this, my mother turned bitter as all hell and we were blamed for every small thing that happened. Spilled cup? Our fault. Laundry not put away? Our fault. The fact she can't have friends? Apparently our fault too. So, we were blamed; physically abused with "beatings and spankings" for incorrect behavior, emotionally abused to believe every bad thing was deserved and it was our fault, and mentally abused with every guilt trip/gaslight possible to keep our self esteem low as possible. I'm 28 now and only my sisters still live with them.
My mom often compares my friends to me. She indirectly tells me that they’re better than me but if I dare say that she IS saying that they’re better than me, I would get yelled at and grounded.
I would add to this not understanding addiction issues, and not taking the time to understand them in order to help your kid. My brother was a drug addict and instead of understanding it to be a disease, my brother was always just a p.o.s. to my father. Don't get me wrong, my brother did a lot of horrible things, but my father was a violent disciplinarian because that's all he knew to be. He believed hitting was the way to get a kid to do what you want them to do, despite all the times that didn't work. He never learned. He never took the time to understand my brother's behavior or picked up on the fact he had a learning disorder. It's hard because a lot of this stuff wasn't really known back then. But even in the years before my brother died, which was more recent, he never bothered. He always felt like addiction was a weakness and mind over matter and 'just stop' was his way of looking at it.
Not letting kids have their own hobbies/criticizing a kids interests because it’s not something the parent likes. My mother would criticize every outdoor activity that I enjoyed then complained when I stopped playing outside. Also comparing kids problems to your own. Recently realized that I’ve had restless legs and insomnia for as long as I can remember but when I saw a sleep medication ad as a kid and joked that I needed some of that (because that was the only way I could think of to bring up the problem without getting yelled at) I was told to wait until I was an adult with real problems and then I’d know the meaning of not being able to sleep. Still can’t convince myself to try and get help for it
When I got Bouche, my mom told me I wasn't allowed to have a cat, because I couldn't afford him. I just kept telling her I'm getting one. Finally, she said, "Talk to your father." She handed him the phone, I told him I was getting a kitten, and he said "Wonderful!" I think I got him in trouble.
Except for point #10, 12, 21, 25, 27, 28, 29, 30 all things are done to me and my siblings by our parents. And being an South Asian and living in a conservative society moving out is NOT an option.
This was my dad throughout the 3 years my parents were separated then the next 2 when they were divorced.I was a daddy's girl, makes me sick thinking about it, and he used to try to manipulate me into leaving my mother and living with him while he lived in his parents basement for almost 6 years.I had to cut him off my junior year in highschool, honestly the best decision of my life, because it was during lockdown and I didn't want to leave the state and make my family suffer from COVID.It didn't help when he tried to force a relationship between the two of us.He would stay try to even convince me that my mom was the reason why they got divorced.Nope, all him.She gave him an ultimatum of 'you're 100% in or 100% out.The trust that was between a father and daughter instantly broke the day he left.I got to see a therapist for about 6 weeks, since one of the colleges was doing a free 6 weeks of psychology.It was beneficial but only for so long.He claims he's doing better, I don't believe it.
To add on. The lady that was my temporary therapist, reminded me of a friend my freshman year. It felt nice at least being able to talk any of this out with someone who just listens instead of someone who doesn't really understand what I went through. When my dad left, I was 12, a lot of people that was in our ward at church, blamed my mom for leaving and others didn't care to understand what we were going through since they themselves hadn't. It's still hard to talk about it with those that don't understand. Plus being an introvert, I don't really get out much since some friends I knew made it seem like I didn't exist for the last 3 years of high school. It's also hard to talk to people how many schools I've been to in my life. We never moved for 5 of those schools, until #6 when my mom and I moved into an apartment, then #7 and the final school, to a different state. When it came to the last one, my mom felt in her heart that we were meant to move.
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I definitely had bad toxic parents. I often think god took them so early so they couldn't screw is up anymore.
Do any of these apply to you? If not then what are you complaining for? And how are you "trying to do your best" when you're abusing your child? Pa-lease🙄
Load More Replies... punishing kids for getting bad grades even if they tried their best... seen it happen to a lot of people
Freshman year, I had a total of 2 and a half weeks where I wasn't grounded bcuz of bad grades. I was heavily suicidal all throughout the school year and experiencing full blown drug addiction. And asked to get help multiple times
Load More Replies... talk about toxic : not aknowledging badparents exist like people who DO NOT care about being good parents : evil people they do exist! the tagline to this article says "Even if parents want what's best for their kids, they can do more harm than good without realizing that" refusing to aknowledge some people DO NOT want the best for their kids!! speaking of experience; and they always forgive the adult by "he doesn't know any better" etc... (just that and they always assume by default the adult is well meaning and it is impossible a parent would hurt/not-care/not-love speaking of experience but again I remember a boredpanda article from months ago about Brittney Spears' father exploiting her drugging her committing her 😡😡 TELL ME HE DOESN'T KNOW ANY BETTER!!!!!!😡😡😡
There are always exceptions but easily ninety percent of parents are doing the best they can for their child. As a shrink it's really hard not to recognize these endless cycles of trauma and abuse because the parents experienced the same thing and genuinely don't know any better. Yes, they should have been smart enough and strong enough to end that cycle but that's a much bigger ask than we realize with all the trauma in the world. The only thing we can do is do our best heal that trauma and save the next generation from the same pain or at the very least make it a little easier than they had it. Every parent should strive to do better than their parents but for many people that's an incredibly low bar. P.S. I hope you're ok :)
Load More Replies... I would say not giving your kids boundaries and not saying no to them. A friend of my SIL was doing this and now when she says no to her daughter, the little girl has a massive tantrum every time. Doesn’t matter if they are at home or in public. Also ignoring the signs that your child has autism, adhd etc and fobbing it off as the kid just expressing themselves. I know a couple who are only now dealing with their child’s autism after ignoring for years as they were focused on their jobs/ denying their child has challenges they need help with.
Regarding autism, something I've seen and heard of is parents saying "that's not autistic, that's normal" but it's only normal for the parent, not anyone else. In other words, the parent has autism / similar behaviours and genuinely doesn't realise their child is doing anything unusual. On its own, not too bad. The problem really arises when their attitude is reversed back at them when they're told "that isn't normal, it's autistic" and not realising that they should probably get therapy themselves.
Load More Replies... For those of us that understood or related to these as I did - you're here. You have been reading, learning and you know that what was done to you was wrong. That's the first step and it's a haaaarrrrd one. It takes most folks until they're 30-40 years old before they realize they were abused! You are a survivor. You will overcome. It will be hard work, you might always hear the voices of your past, but someday they get a little less. Maybe not gone, but less.
Agree, hard. Most of us will need some therapy to get through, and to sort our experiences and make sense of them. One exercise that made all the difference to me was that I "re-raised" myself. I went back through my entire childhood in my mind, and for every single time I was hurt, failed, left behind, lost, forgotten, I took that version of me someplace she was loved, celebrated, and could have fun. The zoo, when my mom forgot me, and the start of so many of my abandonment issues when I was 3? I took my inner child back to the zoo, and made sure she knew I was there and watching and I'd never forget her. I gave myself make-up birthday parties and celebratory dinners. I bought myself toys and books I'd never had. I told my childhood self constantly the things she never heard, or heard in weaponized versions: she was smart, special, interesting, good. I gave her hugs. And yes, I mentally went through old abuses, and put adult-me in there, protecting child-me. It helped heal a lot.
Load More Replies... My coworker used to sit here and just tell me how terrible her daughter was. Like daily. The tantrums she'd have, how bad she was at school, nothing this girl did was ever good enough. One day she showed me a video she took as an example of her daughter's behavior, what I saw was her and her sister taunting this poor girl in to a tantrum. Just egging her on. I'd scream too if I were her daughter.
Are you in a position to say anything? That poor, poor kid. Even just a version of your last sentence, "I'd scream, too, if I was being tormented by my mom and aunt that way"? "Why do you think that's okay?" "What would you have her do instead?" I mean, I know it's not your responsibility, but I just know even ONE PERSON saying "That's not right" during my childhood would've made a huge difference.
Load More Replies... For anyone who is just starting to realize that some of these things apply to you, I recommend the book by Beverly Engel, "It wasn't your fault". Definitely not a substitute for therapy, but I think it's a good starting point. I read it years ago and it helped me understand many of the things I was feeling. Word of caution if you live with your parents, don't leave such a book lying around, if they're toxic they will use it against you for sure.(Not sure if book recommendations are Ok on BP, if not please let me know and I'll delete my comment)
Turning your back on your child because he/she comes out as part of the LGBTQ+ community.
Okay, whoever downvoted that? You are a horrible person. You are as horrible as parents who turn their backs on their kids when they come out. Lucky for you, many of them end up in my classrooms. So parents (esp Conservative Christian parents) out there, when you fail your kids repeatedly, destroy their souls, and make them feel like they aren't worthy of existing because they happen to be queer/depressed/agnostic/different, that's when they come talk to me. I will make sure they are loved, protected, and accepted. (THIS is one of the main reasons why these shitbags are so freaked out about college and professors. We aren't "brainwashing" your kids, you vacuous assholes. We're often preventing them from killing themselves because of your abuse.)
Load More Replies... Hi, fellow survivors and adventurers. Some of you are still in it. One possible option = your college professors. While in HS and lower grades, teachers are legally obligated to communicate with your parents. Not so in college! Legally, we cannot disclose *anything* about you to your parents. This means that if you need help, most of us will be available to you and have a variety of resources. Many of us struggle with the same things, too, from anxiety to panic to gender issues to money issues for school. So if you are experiencing abuse, or THINK you might be, seek one of us out. Come to our office hours. If we can -- and it does depend on the school's rules -- we will do everything we can to keep you safe. This includes code words during online classes if your parents interrupt, or help finding funding so you can move out. You matter to us.
All of these horrifying posts just make me believe even more that parenting should be an EARNED privilege, not a right.
I have one to add to this list... "I'm ashamed of you" and "don't embarrass me when we go over there"... the embarrassment would be me acting normal as I always was... 40 years later and the scar is only now beginning the heal because I refuse to see my father any longer.
Not acknowledging mental health problem and when they do, get mad because you understood it so soon compared to them that you already know and tried everything they suggest (like they started to consider me being hypersensitive two freaking years after my freaking diagnosis that they refused to consider real at the time. And were furious when the book they gave me (wonderful when you don't know much but unusefull when you already know the basics) didn't learn me anything and I didn't even finish it due to clearly not helping me at all...
My mother did almost every single thing mentioned here ... explains why I'm so f***d up
I've got one; treating your kids differently based on gender. I have two older brothers who have been going to or having sleepovers ever since I can remember. But whenever I (a girl) asked about sleeping over at a friend's house or having a friend sleepover, the answer was always no. As well as even going out to hang out with them. The only chance I would ever get to see my friends aside from school was at birthday parties. I am turning nineteen soon and have never once had a sleepover. My brothers are allowed to have their girlfriends over when there's no one else, but I'm not allowed to have a guy friend over when I don't even have feelings for him. (Also this, trying to force these beliefs on your kids about men and women not being able to be around each other without having to do with s*x). Don't treat your kids differently based on their gender and then deny it once they see what's going on and decide to call you out on it.
I started commenting, then decided, no, I'll be commenting on every single one of these, that my mom and dad and pretty much all the adults in my life did and still do all these things to me. I mean seriously, every one of these is/was my life (except the taking sides after divorce, they never divorced) Worse, mom convinced all her friends that I was a liar, and even now after her death, her friends still treat me like a lying little child (I'm 43 and have never been a child). I'm getting no help with cleaning out her house or after my major back surgery this past Tuesday (Aug. 16th, 2022) because even they think I'm a piece of shite and all my friends are scattered across the globe and can't get to me for whatever reason. I have no friends local because of my parents and now I'm looking to strangers on the internet for any help I can get. I've regretted being born my whole life, this just reiterates that.
That's too much for any one person. Please, do you have access to therapy? Someone else has gotta do the heavy lifting for you a bit, so you can heal! <3
Load More Replies... wow they checked off nearly the whole list… both were only mildly physical, and heavy on the psychological/verbal—— I like to proclaim I’m accountable for how I am now, but I catch myself reacting to something buried in my past. I still feel the weight of hyper vigilance and solitude. How does one break free?
Unconditionally believing everything your kid says even when there's proof otherwise. "Oh, little Johnny/Sally would never do that, he/she wouldn't lie." I'm sorry, but kids will and do lie. Thinking your kids are little angels. I've got a newsflash, they aren't. My kids were well behaved a d rarely gave me problems but they weren't angels.
My stepsons' mother...she's just awful. We've had to have a long sit down talk with them about how to treat each other because she just can't be the example. She's even convinced one of them it's his fault her and her mother (who passed away recently) weren't speaking when she passed (it had to do with topics concerning him). The older one is looking for a place to live, the younger one is counting down the days until high school is over to go into the military. It breaks my heart, but she's the parent with more money, more providing finances. A kid should be excited to leave home, not counting down the days like they're in prison.
Yes. But if you are a minor like me,you can't particularly do much about it because you shouldn't trust anyone . They might seem nice,but then they might end up using all of this against you
Load More Replies... My father is a narcissist whom can't take blame for anything. Over the years I watched my bubbly mother become more and more "flat" as she took the blame for literally everything. Even though he was right there, he didn't even act like a parent either. My mother practically raised us as he took every job he could that would require him to be gone for longer hours or even jobs that meant he was gone for WEEKS at a time. Because of this, my mother turned bitter as all hell and we were blamed for every small thing that happened. Spilled cup? Our fault. Laundry not put away? Our fault. The fact she can't have friends? Apparently our fault too. So, we were blamed; physically abused with "beatings and spankings" for incorrect behavior, emotionally abused to believe every bad thing was deserved and it was our fault, and mentally abused with every guilt trip/gaslight possible to keep our self esteem low as possible. I'm 28 now and only my sisters still live with them.
My mom often compares my friends to me. She indirectly tells me that they’re better than me but if I dare say that she IS saying that they’re better than me, I would get yelled at and grounded.
I would add to this not understanding addiction issues, and not taking the time to understand them in order to help your kid. My brother was a drug addict and instead of understanding it to be a disease, my brother was always just a p.o.s. to my father. Don't get me wrong, my brother did a lot of horrible things, but my father was a violent disciplinarian because that's all he knew to be. He believed hitting was the way to get a kid to do what you want them to do, despite all the times that didn't work. He never learned. He never took the time to understand my brother's behavior or picked up on the fact he had a learning disorder. It's hard because a lot of this stuff wasn't really known back then. But even in the years before my brother died, which was more recent, he never bothered. He always felt like addiction was a weakness and mind over matter and 'just stop' was his way of looking at it.
Not letting kids have their own hobbies/criticizing a kids interests because it’s not something the parent likes. My mother would criticize every outdoor activity that I enjoyed then complained when I stopped playing outside. Also comparing kids problems to your own. Recently realized that I’ve had restless legs and insomnia for as long as I can remember but when I saw a sleep medication ad as a kid and joked that I needed some of that (because that was the only way I could think of to bring up the problem without getting yelled at) I was told to wait until I was an adult with real problems and then I’d know the meaning of not being able to sleep. Still can’t convince myself to try and get help for it
When I got Bouche, my mom told me I wasn't allowed to have a cat, because I couldn't afford him. I just kept telling her I'm getting one. Finally, she said, "Talk to your father." She handed him the phone, I told him I was getting a kitten, and he said "Wonderful!" I think I got him in trouble.
Except for point #10, 12, 21, 25, 27, 28, 29, 30 all things are done to me and my siblings by our parents. And being an South Asian and living in a conservative society moving out is NOT an option.
This was my dad throughout the 3 years my parents were separated then the next 2 when they were divorced.I was a daddy's girl, makes me sick thinking about it, and he used to try to manipulate me into leaving my mother and living with him while he lived in his parents basement for almost 6 years.I had to cut him off my junior year in highschool, honestly the best decision of my life, because it was during lockdown and I didn't want to leave the state and make my family suffer from COVID.It didn't help when he tried to force a relationship between the two of us.He would stay try to even convince me that my mom was the reason why they got divorced.Nope, all him.She gave him an ultimatum of 'you're 100% in or 100% out.The trust that was between a father and daughter instantly broke the day he left.I got to see a therapist for about 6 weeks, since one of the colleges was doing a free 6 weeks of psychology.It was beneficial but only for so long.He claims he's doing better, I don't believe it.
To add on. The lady that was my temporary therapist, reminded me of a friend my freshman year. It felt nice at least being able to talk any of this out with someone who just listens instead of someone who doesn't really understand what I went through. When my dad left, I was 12, a lot of people that was in our ward at church, blamed my mom for leaving and others didn't care to understand what we were going through since they themselves hadn't. It's still hard to talk about it with those that don't understand. Plus being an introvert, I don't really get out much since some friends I knew made it seem like I didn't exist for the last 3 years of high school. It's also hard to talk to people how many schools I've been to in my life. We never moved for 5 of those schools, until #6 when my mom and I moved into an apartment, then #7 and the final school, to a different state. When it came to the last one, my mom felt in her heart that we were meant to move.
Load More Replies... I definitely had bad toxic parents. I often think god took them so early so they couldn't screw is up anymore.
Do any of these apply to you? If not then what are you complaining for? And how are you "trying to do your best" when you're abusing your child? Pa-lease🙄
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