Get Premium
Dark mode theme is available exclusively for premium users. Learn more about the benefits of subscribing.
No fees, cancel anytime.
Dark Mode 
No fees, cancel anytime 
then open in external browser
and click "Open in External Browser" 
We all dream of finding our true love and building a future together with someone special. But relationships aren’t always smooth sailing, and it can take a lot of trial and error to figure out if we’re truly compatible with the person we choose.
To help others avoid the same mistakes, these Redditors have shared the most valuable lessons they’ve learned from their experiences. From hard-to-swallow truths to eye-opening realizations, read their advice below and upvote the posts you find most helpful!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
Once someone feels comfortable being abusive towards you, that will never change no matter how much you try.
RELATED:
#2
An apology is not words but a change in behavior.
All profits to charity 1 year ago
An apology for wronging someone includes an admission of wrong doing. I’ve noticed this part gets skipped a lot.
#3
My wife died after only 10 years of marriage, so my lesson is that a long life together isn’t promised. Don’t take anything for granted. Cherish the moments you’ve got.
S. E. in Indiana 1 year ago
Always tell that special someone that you love them as much as you can, because it might be the last time you ever to speak to them again.
#4
People can say the sweetest things to you, and absolutely mean them, *in the moment.* But moments are fleeting.
Jeff Gabrisl 1 year ago
My wife to be is very religious, and also a trump fan. I'm atheist and voting for Harris. We constantly reaffirm our love to each other, but we also constantly debate with each other. All in all, we definitely have moments that we disagree, but we still agree that we should be together and that we will be happy together. When we say awful things to each other, we both understand that it's just a moment that we said the wrong thing. Those moments are also fleeting, because we are able to apologize and see things from each other perspective. Relationships are built on compromise. You absolutely have to treat the person who you are in love with like they're the best thing that ever happened to you. However, you also need to treat your lover the same way. If someone absolutely adored you in the moment, and then they left, you either hooked up with a duck boy, or you didn't reciprocate their adoration.
#6
If you tell your partner they've hurt you, and they respond by arguing rather than apologizing and changing their behavior, get out.
#8
You shouldn’t always have to beg for someone to give you attention.
MissMePhoenix 1 year ago
You shouldn't ***EVER*** have to beg for someone to give you attention. There. I fixed it for you.
#10
Sometimes it just doesn't work, and that's fine. You don't have to hate each other, talk s**t, or blow things out of proportion just because it's easier that way.
Things don't work and that's ok.
Cooking Panda 1 year ago
Yes. Forgive and move on. And that's how I end up staying friends with my exes 😅
#12
If the relationship is hurting you, you can leave at any time you’re safely able to do so.
Those last five words are the most important.
Liz The Biz 1 year ago
That's why many people are trapped in abusive relationships. Because there's never a safe time to leave.
#13
Don't be or stay in the relationship for potential. Be there and realize the reality that exists.
I just got out of one that I stayed in WAY too long because I kept betting on potential, even though the person kept showing me who they were.
I learned to do boundaries and how to actually put them up in an honest way. Granted, she kept trying to bulldoze them but I stayed pretty well strong but she didn't much like that. Shrug. I learned quite a bit and grew quite a bit, i got to go on fun adventures and became a better person.... she wasted her time and the opportunities, and she was where she was at the beginning, no real growth. I don't know what is going on with her life but I would guess it has gone downhill based on some of the people in her life that I have talked to a while ago.
not my monkeys, not my circus.
#14
Writing this comment feel therapeutic and I’m only just starting. For me it is basically sunken cost fallacy in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to leave a relationship that isn’t working just because you have spent time in it. If it isn’t working, it isn’t working and you will only waste more time. If you’re not happy, give yourself the opportunity to find a situation where you can be happy. It is okay to give up on an unhealthy relationship.
#16
If there is a red flag, be cautiously optimistic. If there are 34709 red flags, get the f**k out. I was in love with the thought of being in my first real relationship and ignored everything that I should have paid attention to.
#17
It's like a plant: if you tend to it, water it, feed it, and give it sunlight, it will thrive. If you leave it in the corner, neglect it, and don't give it any of your time and effort, it will wither and die.
#18
Oh gosh so many of them. May cry just thinking about some haha.
You cannot change someone. You cannot cure someone of their addiction and you cannot “love it out of them”. They must choose the help and do the work.
If you do not have clear boundaries with your in laws as a unified front, you will forever be a lost cause relationship. You both have to step up and support the relationships for both of you with both your parents and the in-laws as well.
Love languages are great to know but if you can’t love someone in the way they need to feel loved, then what are you doing? If all the ways I want to love you aren’t the way you receive it, what am I doing? Learn how they *want* to be loved, not how you think they should be loved. Meet them there.
Everyone comes with baggage. It’s ok (and not a failure) to say I can and will no longer tolerate your actions that are related to your baggage out of an abundance of protection for yourself and your mental health.
Bring a complete self to the relationship. Have your own hobbies and life. Make sure they do too. Don’t stop doing those hobbies because of them.
There’s more I’m sure… I might be back lol.
#19
No answer is also an answer. If you want an answer from your partner and they cannot give that to you, it is often your cue to decide how to proceed.
#20
Whoever loves the least controls the relationship.
#21
If you live together, that person is not just your lover, but your roommate. If your partner is doing most of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare, expect a lot of tension, unhappiness, and regret.
#22
You cannot change a person.
Tobias Reaper 1 year ago
they have to want to change otherwise any apparent change is only cosmetic and they will eventually revert back to how they were before.
#23
Don’t stick around with someone who doesn’t Make you happy, satisfy you or meet your needs. It’s better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel alone
After my last relationship ended, I decided to stop looking for happiness in other people. I was single for 6 years and quit having casual sex. I worked on myself, and learned to be happy on my own. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly I met my current partner, and we recently got engaged. I wasn’t seeking her out, she just happened to come at the right time and the 6 years I spent being single and finding my own happiness, allowed me to become more desirable and a healthier partner. You won’t find it if you’re looking for it. Just worry about yourself and be open to spending some time alone and find peace in that.
#24
Learn when to cut your losses. Relationships should be a rewarding two-way street. Anything less is not a relationship. There's only so much "work" you can put into something before you have to let go.
#25
That I never want to be in another one.
I prefer to have my own space. I don’t want to be answerable to anyone in my personal life. I don’t want to share anything or consider anyone’s desires and needs other than my own.
Selfish? Yes, but only because I’m so selfless that when I am in a relationship I devote myself to that man and I eventually begin to resent him for allowing me to run myself ragged trying to ensure everything is as he likes it and anticipate his needs and desires.
I’ve finally realized that I’m mentally and emotionally happier and more satisfied when I’m single.
Jorie 1 year ago
My husband passed away (suicide) six years ago and my first reaction was relief. We had been married 17 years. The prime of my life had been wasted away trying to "fix" him. I wouldn't trade the peace I have had in the last six years for anything. I'm now 72 years old and still in the process of healing.
Pandemonium 1 year ago
That's a pretty rough row to hoe. I hope you have help in your healing journey.
Load More Replies...
P. Dubb 1 year ago
I think I'm starting to realize this myself. I tend to pour all of myself into the man I'm with in hopes that he'll do the same and so far it's been nothing but heartache on my end. But with that being said, it's my fault for expecting to be loved the way I love. I decided to start just loving me the way I love others. And I hope with that, that I'll be happy finally.
#26
Love alone is not enough. Not only do relationships need a commitment to each other in order to succeed, but a commitment to bettering yourselves as individuals and as a unit.
#27
It’s never you vs her. It’s you both vs the problem. If you can walk away with that, most of your fights will be fast.
#28
Chemistry doesn't equal compatibility, wit/intelligence don't equal maturity, if similar values/beliefs aren't aligned it’s doomed, a pretty face doesn't trump red flags, bad communication will bite you, don't date potential/people shouldn't be projects, if someone sleeps around while having few to no relationships, they're likely emotionally unavailable/have a hard time getting close/will sabotage, men might move fast just to sleep with you or to test your restraint/loyalty/if you're relationship material, bad relations with family will show you the sort of partner they'll be. Took me a long time to learn all this the hard way but better late than never.
#30
I can’t beg someone to love me.
Multa Nocte 1 year ago
🎶 I can't make you love me if you don't - You can't make your heart feel something it won't 🎶
#31
You can't change people.
Toxic people will destroy you and there is nothing you can do that will change that so leave as soon as possible.
#33
Do not give in to the sunk cost fallacy. Having been with someone for x number of years is not a reason to stay with them and continue being miserable. As far as we know, we get to live once. Don’t spend it placating someone else while you suffer.
#34
What they say and what they do says more about them than about you.
Never put more into the relationship than they are, especially at the beginning. They may just not be that into you and that's ok.
If they can't function as an adult and do their own basic chores, they're not an adult no matter what their age.
Momma's boys aren't worth it - if he doesn't stand up and defend you if his parent has a problem with you, he will always choose the parent over you. He's not worth fighting both him and her for. Ditto for women.
If they lay a hand on you, LEAVE. It will only escalate. Ditto if they have anger issues they refuse to address.
You can never fix anyone. Don't get into a relationship with their potential. If you can't love them as they are now, leave. It's not fair to either of you. You need a partner, not a project.
If they lie, ignore your boundaries, gaslight you, etc, they're not worth it. Life's too short to put up with someone who doesn't respect you.
#35
When their contact with you is sporadic but they keep claiming it’s that they’re “busy,” they just aren’t that into you.
#37
If they accuse you of cheating all the time, (without evidence) odds are good they’re projecting and cheating on you. I found out afterwards that she’d cheated with at least 3 guys I knew. .
Tempest 1 year ago (edited)
I know OP’s version is the more common outcome but in my last relationship I was constantly accusing him of cheating because of my BPD paranoia. I wasn’t cheating on him and he never did cheat on me but I still always suspected him because I just couldn’t trust him. It was 100% my problem. And I’m always grateful that despite everything he did wrong, he never ever cheated.
#38
Don't cut a tie with your friends just because she asking you to do so.
#39
Love yourself first.
#42
I learned that the sweetest people can lie to your face. And that an alcoholic can still be destructive even when they aren't drinking.
#43
Communication is truly key, and that communicating will often beat away the negativity and overthinking that is drowning you, if your partner and you are a team against the issue. As someone who struggles with communicating heavy topics, I am still learning in my current relationship to not fear what my partner will say or do in response to what I bring up. 3 years together and still unlearning the traumas from past relationships. It's an uphill battle, but I genuinely think I've found the one to help me up that hill, and who I want to help in turn.
#45
To make it through time, you have to put in effort. It takes work and time to hammer away at deficiencies to make you and your partner better over time. It takes work to focus on what’s wrong, dissect, and improve.
It’s not always romantic, but it kept us together all this time! Then the romance is deeper and easier when you align time and again.
#48
I am not compatible with a person who has BPD. No matter how much I might love her, if she's showing symptoms of self-harm, tumultuous relationship history, unstable sense of self, alternating between idealizing and devaluing me, loving me and then discarding me, blaming me for being angry when she behaves in those ways toward me, numbing/dissociating (either with or without the aid of alcohol), and believing that her apology obligates my forgiveness, it's not going to work.
Tempest 1 year ago (edited)
As someone with BPD I totally agree with all this. It’s my responsibility to seek help for my issues. Some people might be able to or be willing to stick around and help me out but it’s not their responsibility - they’re just doing it out of kindness. If at any point it becomes too much for you to handle, leave even if you love them. Staying might only worsen the mental health issues for both of you. (I’m in therapy and hopefully I’ll be in a much better place with my BPD by my next relationship but I plan to be open with them about my diagnosis from the start so they can decide for themselves.)
#49
Dont try to stay in an emotional and physically abusive relationship until your lease is up because you dont want to lose the money from a super high deposit.
#52
Patience can go a long way, reason why tons of folks break up nowadays is because they're not patient, they want everything to be perfect right now. They're not willing to put in the effort to establish a healthy relationship.
#53
That people at times do terrible things, and that this doesn't necessarily make them good or bad. We are way more complex than that. This isn't an excuse; it doesn't mean you have to forgive or that you have to be forgiven; it doesn't mean you can just go around hurting others. It just means that, sometimes, you need to remember that you're dealing with a human being and all that implies.
#54
That I wasn’t ready for the kind of relationship I thought I was ready for yet.
Thank you, Connie. I hope it all worked out for you too.
I found the right one a few years later and we’re 34 years in.
#55
When it’s done, let it go.
I was going through a really bad break up while watching HIMYM and Ted Mosby was going to yell off his ex gf.
But then he didn’t.
“You may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone’s face, but there’s a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.”.
Niels AirMax 1 year ago
HIMYM saved my life. True, actually... Sad. But true. I'll always cherish those people!🥰
#56
Forever doesn’t mean forever and unconditional doesn’t mean unconditional. You essentially have to hedge your bets and think, “if I put 15 years of my life into this person, would I still think it was worth it if it ends for no reason?”.
What do you think ?
Happenstance 1 year ago (edited)
It’s really cool being sexually compatible. If I could do it again I’m not sure I’d choose to have a sexless marriage. But I love my wife so it is what it is.
Liz The Biz 1 year ago
Never ever let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't feel comfortable about.
Tempest 1 year ago
When all your friends (with whom you’ve shared at least some details about the relationship) tell you to get out, get out! And when they (the person you’re in a relationship with) no longer care if you stay or go, leave! No point holding onto someone who no longer hears you, sees you, or respects you. No point staying in such a situation in fear of what ending the relationship will cause. Yes, ending will cause pain, loneliness, and a loss of familiarity and direction for a while but that will be for just some months at most. Whereas, if you hang around in a broken relationship, you’ll only be prolonging the suffering. And, no matter how much you love them, you can’t change them if they’re not willing to change.
Happenstance 1 year ago (edited)
It’s really cool being sexually compatible. If I could do it again I’m not sure I’d choose to have a sexless marriage. But I love my wife so it is what it is.
Liz The Biz 1 year ago
Never ever let anyone pressure you into doing something that you don't feel comfortable about.
Tempest 1 year ago
When all your friends (with whom you’ve shared at least some details about the relationship) tell you to get out, get out! And when they (the person you’re in a relationship with) no longer care if you stay or go, leave! No point holding onto someone who no longer hears you, sees you, or respects you. No point staying in such a situation in fear of what ending the relationship will cause. Yes, ending will cause pain, loneliness, and a loss of familiarity and direction for a while but that will be for just some months at most. Whereas, if you hang around in a broken relationship, you’ll only be prolonging the suffering. And, no matter how much you love them, you can’t change them if they’re not willing to change.
You May Like 50 People Share The Wildest, Pettiest, And Most Unexpected Breakups They’ve Ever Been Through Understand Love’s Silent Language With 20 Signs He’s in Love with You 50 Pieces Of Bad Relationship Advice That Might Shift Your Current Perspective
Aurelija Rakauskaitė
Larysa Perih
Larysa Perih
Related on Bored Panda
