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“What Was The Reason You Didn’t Marry The Person You Thought You Were Going To?” (45 Answers)
Interview With Expert
While many of us might have certain dreams or visions of a life together with our current partner, the reality is that people change and sometimes we are not quite perceptive enough towards their flaws.
Someone asked folks online “What was the reason you didn’t marry the person you thought you were going to?” and people shared their stories. We also got in touch with marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw to learn more about communication and “red flags.” So get comfortable as you read through, upvote your favorites and be sure to comment your thoughts below.
More info: ElizabethEarnshaw.com
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
He got drunk one night and started yelling at me for eating french fries with my fingers instead of using a fork. All I could think of afterward was a lifetime of being yelled at for stupid s**t, so I broke it off with him.
and_a_touch_of_the_’tism 1 year ago
Who tf eats French fries with a fork??
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Lady Perkele 1 year ago
I realised he wasn't the person I thought because I got uncomfortable and a lil worried when he was drunk. I didn't even wanna sleep in the same bedroom as him when he drank, nothing violent. Just I couldn't recognise him... and his mask dropped.
Stygtand 1 year ago (edited)
The only dish with frenchfries that i know of, that requires you to use a fork, is poutine.
Remi (He/Him) 1 year ago
And even that's possible to eat with your fingers if you're drunk or hungry enough
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weatherwitch 1 year ago
They taste so much better for the joy of eating them with your fingers too 😋 Definitely the right decision 💖
RELATED:
#2
We had been together for a short while when “things got too real” and he broke it off. Flash forward 6 years and I go on a blind date only to find out it’s him. That night started a series of very long conversations where we cleared the air and all the skeletons were taken out of the closet. And we decided to give it a go again. After being together for a few months he popped the question, I said yes and we started making plans. About a week later I received a call from his sister. He had died. He was a long haul trucker and had developed phlebitis (blood clots in his legs). One of the clots broke loose and caused a massive heart attack. Thankfully it was in his sleep so he didn’t suffer. I think about him every day and miss him terribly.
Paul C. 1 year ago (edited)
That is so sad, I am sorry. Also please, please, please, don't downvote me but intrusive thoughts do pop up in my head and I was reminded of the joke. "I hope I die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming like his passengers!" I know, inappropriate, again, I'm sorry.
Cooking Panda 1 year ago
Omg this is so heartbreaking. But i'm sure he died a happy man because he'd found the love of his life. Again. 🧡
#3
We had been together for 3 years when I proposed. We held a big engagement party at my parents place in the country, and invited both of our families.
Not only did our families not really get along, we didn’t even get along with our own families. We had a long talk about dropping 5 figures on a glorified party for people we don’t like. That led to a conversation about whether we really believed in marriage.
Together, we called off our engagement at that party (but we didn’t tell people for months.)
This year will mark 19 happily unmarried years we’ve been together.
Edit: Thanks to everyone for the kind replies! In Canada, you get many benefits from a common law partnership. You can also register as a domestic partnership at any Service Canada centre, which we’ve done. Only took a few minutes.
poison Ivy 1 year ago
Sometimes the Marriage word hurts. It's not a big deal. I'm glad you're happy. I've been married 32 years and he just got upset with me for asking a basic question because he's tired! He only does it to me, no I'm not paranoid, he only does it to me!
Esté 1 year ago
Girl, talk to him about this. If he does this regularly and won't change, leave.
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BK BigFish 1 year ago
Also, there's a difference between a wedding and a marriage. My sister had the most beautiful, expensive wedding, was unhappy even before then, suffered a decade of a bad marriage, then divorced. My wife and I got married through my cousin/pastor in a tiny, quick ceremony at home, we've been almost blissfully happy so far a decade.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
Civil ceremony, couple of friends to celebrate, done. And not thousands in wasted money for a single-day event that most people are quite bored at. I never understood the 'this is MY BIG day' mindset.
Joe Reaves 1 year ago
I mean you don't need to spend anything beyond the cost of the license and a trip to the registry office/courthouse and you only need two witnesses. The party and families part is totally optional.
Remi (He/Him) 1 year ago
Over 20 years together unmarried here. Of course it wasn't even legal for us at first to get married, but anyway. The only reason we're talking about making it official now is that if you're married before you turn 50, there are some government benefits for old age and for widows, which, not a happy thought, but anyway.
Thomas Ewing 1 year ago
Common law means you WANT to be together, not you HAVE to be together.
Dawnieangel76 1 year ago
Hiring a moving truck & getting an apartment is cheaper than divorce & needs less therapy, if things go south. No issue with this.
Bored Panda got in touch with marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw to learn more about communication in a relationship and she was kind enough to answer some of our questions. Firstly, we wanted to know what things a person should really consider before a relationship gets serious.
“Before committing to a long term relationship, I think it's important to consider the other person's capacity for both openness and respecting boundaries. When we look at healthy relationships, what we see is that those who are in fulfilling relationships have a good sense of how to respect each other's boundaries and also have the ability to be open and loving.”
#4
Right as I started to think of marriage he quit his job, then decided I needed I made enough to pay for the 2 of us. Then got mad when I cut the cable TV and things like Netflix to save money, because he was not looking for a job and we were slowly going broke.
As a gay man myself, I am not paying for another grown man to live. I don't care if he works 35 hours a week at McDonalds, he has to contribute something.
Jerry Mathers 1 year ago
I'm 100% with this guy. And someone telling me I make enough support us both so they are just going to stay home can go kick rocks. The way I see it, if you have a dream you are working towards, making art, getting an education, starting a business, and my partner brought up staying home so they could pursue it, no worries. But if the plan is to sit around watching TV, playing video games, sleeping...no way. That would ruin that person. They would be looking to me to fill in their lives, and end up either bored as hell or tedious to be around. If we didn't need the $, then we should save it and do something cool. But I am out of the taking care of grown adults business.
Anne 1 year ago
From the text it even appears as the quiting the job was not even discussed. Brr..
Load More Replies... Lew k 1 year ago
I feel this way with women too. I noped out when my ex gf said she ultimately just wanted to stay home. Not for kids or anything just wanted to be kept. Not for me sorry. My wife of 15 years works and works hard. We have a kid and we take care of him together. I’m cool with stay at home mom if you can swing it in this economy but I don’t want to be with a partner who’s only ambition is to sit at home while I work my butt off.
Paul Brown 1 year ago
My wife definitely makes enough to support both of us but I wouldn't dream of quitting my job. We're a couple and we split paying the bills.
sturmwesen 1 year ago (edited)
I literally told the judge when the state wanted me to finance my BF that I am not his mommy and I wont pay. We won and he got his benefits till his next job.
v 1 year ago
What is the purpose of "As as a gay man myself," in the last paragraph? Does the argument carry different weight depending on sexual orientation and/or gender identity?
Judes 1 year ago
Yes, a large number of people do think the argument carries different weights for men and women (I'm not one of them, but it's silly to deny such opinions aren't widespread). If he didn't write that, he'd probably have many comments about "what if you have kids" or "tradition".
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Justin Rogers 1 year ago
Yuppers. I will never be the sole provider again and homemaker. I am happy being a hermit living in the woods taking care of my babies
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
100%. There are times when we have to step up for our partners, but laziness on their part is not a reason to support someone else in perpetuity.
Duvet Woman 1 year ago
I don't understand the relevance of the OP being gay. Can someone explain please. Thanks
#5
He wanted an open marriage (we were engaged). I am monogamous and he knew how I felt about anything open.
Then I found out he was in a relationship with a co worker at his job. On top of that, I found out that If I did marry him, I would be wife number five! (he only told me about his first marriage and said that was it).
His daughter told me everything.
His other exes divorced him because he just didn't understand that being married and having a chick on the side wasn't an option.
Just throw the whole dude away.
Mel Colley 1 year ago
When a spouse or partner wants an open relationship, they're already in one.
Jaya 1 year ago
Nonsense. This is like saying "if you're hungry and thinking about food, you're already eating" or "if you're telling your partner you want to go dancing, you're already dancing now".
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Joe Reaves 1 year ago
Daughter's like - I'm just going to save the hassle of another wedding and divorce and give this one the facts up front.
doredde 1 year ago
What I don´t really get is, why would you want to marry if you are not monogamous? Is it the tax, or you want to change your name or what? When you want to have an open relationship you do not need to tie a knot with just one person.
Mary Lou 1 year ago (edited)
Marriage indicates that you commit to that person and also gives a legal safety to do such things as have and raise kids together, share finances and real estate, plan old age, make sure this person is the one to decide in a medical emergency aso. Non of which is limited to monogamy...Some - not all - may want to expand this to more than one person, but in most countries so far can't. Get it now?
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Paul Brown 1 year ago
I have a friend who was married twice and wanted an open marriage both times. Both times it failed and his wives wound up leaving the marriage and moved in with the third person.
Full of Giggles 1 year ago
Wow. This sounds almost EXACTLY like my ex-husband and his 6th fiancée. The only difference being I told the fiancée the truth, not my ex’s kid.
#6
We were decent together and it seemed like the next logical step. I bought a ring and we flew to California for her to meet my parents. I was going to propose to her.
She knew my parents had money (but not to what extent), even though I didn’t have money. I was having a hard time making the mortgage on my 75k house with utilities and basic upkeep.
We spend a week living outside anything we could ever afford. Borrowed my parent’s cars, spent time at their house in Lake Tahoe, nice dinners.
Before I actually proposed she started talking about my trust (which never existed), how much they’d give us for a wedding gift, how much I’d be making when I took over my dad’s business (never going to happen. Never even worked for him). I decided to wait on proposing.
Within 2 months of us getting back home she traded in her car for an SUV she couldn’t afford, bought silly items she couldn’t afford, stopped paying her portion of household bills. She was a completely different person. Even when we talked about it she said she could see that my current lifestyle was just to make sure she wasn’t with me for the money. I could never convince her otherwise and we broke up a few months after our visit to California.
I’m married to a woman now who I’m obsessed with. We have a strong and loving marriage. We’ve supported each other through our career growth and are doing ok financially. I never dreamt I could be this happy. Luckily for me everything worked out great.
Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
And I felt mercenary, marrying a guy because he had a living room stero set. Well, that plus we got on great, his parents and my parents got along like a house afire, similar senses of humor (Princess Bride got quoted during the wedding ceremony- it wasn't planned, pastor asked if we needed a chuckle break, DURING the ceremony! We had fun). 31+ years on, we're still doing well.
Caro Caro 1 year ago
LOL. My wedding was hilarious. My husband had his wedding ring on but couldn't take it off for the ceremony. Everybody was laughing, and we needed a few minutes to ragain our composure.
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Sharon Montour 1 year ago
Sounds like my former daughter in law. She spent money like she was wealthy... because she thought I was. News flash... I'm not!! Never was. Glad she's gone!!
“Of course, we are all works in progress so no one has this completely "right". However, we want to ask ourselves, does it seem like this person has a willingness to be a respectful and open partner?” she shared with Bored Panda. After all, even with a “perfect” partner, it’s still possible for issues to arise, so knowing how to handle them is just as important and knowing where boundaries lie.
#7
Her husband was vehemently against it.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
"My boyfriend's family is against me dating him." "Which part of his family?" "Oh, mainly his wife and children."
#8
Said something about finding herself. Anyway, she was looking for herself in other guys’ beds, which I thought was a funny place to look for one’s self.
Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
Can't remember where I saw this but "oops, I tripped and landed on another man's p*n*s".
G A 1 year ago
Little Britain used it in a sketch about a Tory MP resigning. Been proven true multiple times since.
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Ashlie Dearest 1 year ago
If you choose not to be monogamous relationship, that's your business, but please be honest with other people about where you stand on the topic of relationships.
Nicole Weymann 1 year ago
🎶 "He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and on the way he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary, and Irving"🎶
#9
She went put with a friend one night and asked me to come pick her up the next morning. I knocked on the apartment door, and my fiance answers, she said, "You want to just wait out here while I get dressed? It was 32 degrees outside, so I said no and walked in. I could hear rustling around coming from one of the bedrooms. I said, oh Is that Kasey(Her best girlfriend)? I walk back there, and she's literally trying to hide two men in her closet. I looked at my fiance and said, "I'll ruin your life if you ever try to contact me," and I left. I've been happily married to the love of my life for 10 years. So thanks, Kasey, for taking Haley out that night!
EmAdoresHerKats🇮🇪🇵🇸🇩🇿 1 year ago
Just realised what that expression means. That's just all types of wrong
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Moosy Girl 1 year ago
Ok but who walks into their fiancée’s friend’s bedroom after hearing rustling in there???
Rubber Ducky 1 year ago (edited)
Someone that has been suspecting infidelity. Also, being asked to wait outside in freezing temperatures is a red flag. But my question is, where was her best friend during all that?
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We were also curious to hear her opinion on the question of if it’s important for people to share their own stories, both in relationships and outside of them. Yes, I do. I think there is a time and place - perhaps don't share it all on the first date - but I do think if you're in a long term relationship with someone that part of getting to know them is getting to know their stories and what has influenced them and the way that they feel about themselves and the world around them. “ You can find more of her work on her website and her new book, "Til Stress Do Us Part", on Amazon.
#10
Watched her blow weed smoke into a babies face.
LB 1 year ago
I am not sure if that's an appropriate use of the word psychotic. Like, you don't need to be experiencing psychosis to be a d******d.
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Lady Perkele 1 year ago
Wtf???? Both of my partner and me are smokers. But we absolutely will never do at home, next to our kids or anyone else's kids.
DC 1 year ago
For I don't have kids, I do it at home ... but ... affecting anyone too young to agree is wrong on enough levels to consider it ... well, wrong? I never got why people do such things. Nothing's wrong with use, even abuse, of substances that alter your mind, at least of and in itself, it's never wrong (doesn't mean it can't be dumb ... of course it can), but ... blowing into ANYONE'S face, for that matter, is already wrong, at least unless they ask for it, or there is some backstory among adults, ...
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Featherking 10 months ago
What lunatic would do that to an animal? That’s fυcking VILE.
Load More Replies... Ashlie Dearest 1 year ago
That's a form of abuse towards the baby. She needed to be reported to the authorities.
LGBTQpanda 1 year ago
My mom blew cigarette smoke in my baby's face because I married a "red headed white boy." She never saw me or my baby girl again.
#11
Realized i would’ve been his second mom for the rest of my life instead of his partner.
Agamemnon O'Neill 1 year ago
This is my dating life in a nutshell. "You have your life together? Awesome! Take mine on!"
Lila Allen 1 year ago
Unfortunately I ignored that red flag. Married him and wasted 11 years. Now I'm happily married to an adult who can carry his share of the load.
Jacquie Carr 1 year ago
Funny how (some) men can't use a washing machine or put their socks in the laundry yet they're all men when they want intimacy later. Guys, no woman wants sex with a child.
MacintoshID 1 year ago
Been there. Was the easiest decision I have ever made, in telling him it was over and he would have to do his own cooking and cleaning.
doredde 1 year ago
I don´t believe that you are right about the last part of your conclusion. But I would say, that a lot of men behave as if the wife is the next grown up woman to take over mummys "duties" in respect of household chores and caring for you as a spoiled son who never really grew up. Or thinks, that´s womens work eitherway...
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#12
Everyone’s is sad or heartbreaking.
I was 18 and he was 24 and thought he was a werewolf. It wasn’t til he stopped the car while taking me home to howl at the moon that I realized I needed to get out.
Lene 1 year ago
That is sad. He must have suffered mentally a whole lot and never gotten help. I had a bf once who was convinced he was a necromancer. It was cute and fun until he informed me that he'd spend nights at graveyards and uhm... doing his necromancy spells. We broke it off shortly after but staid in contact online. After about two months he told me thst he'd now been diagnosed withh scizophrenia and apparently he'd had it since he was a little kid. Poor guy.
Jesha 1 year ago
I hope he's been able to get help for that. So long as he's keeping up with his medicine, it should be a HUGE weight off.
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Michael Largey 1 year ago
If you had gotten married, things would have gotten awkward at your silver anniversary.
tori Ohno 1 year ago
My old neighbor's teenage son would do that in their backyard. I wonder if that's him?
Royal Stray 1 year ago
I've seen an oddly large amount of stories about marines thinking they were werewolves as well. Perhaps he joined?
Load More Replies... #13
First person I was engaged to ended up beating the s**t out of me. That was the end of that.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm extremely glad you got out. It took me too long to escape 😞
Marina M. 1 year ago
It took me a few years, but I took my babies and got out. Raised them alone. Being a step above homeless (for a while) was still better than what was happening before.
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Kerry Borthwick 1 year ago
My ex tried killing me several times and did other awful things but the guy that saved me has been with me for 14 years and still love him
Sweet Taurus 1 year ago
I’m so proud of OP leaving after the first time. That’s not an easy thing to do and a lot of the time they stay.
#14
He wanted babies
I had fertility issues
He wanted to speed up baby making and ivf
I ran as fast as my legs could carry me.
Lady Perkele 1 year ago
Good. Technology might allow them one day to get pregnant, so he can have as many as he wants, maybe like that they understand
EmAdoresHerKats🇮🇪🇵🇸🇩🇿 1 year ago
IVF is invasive, painful and hard work. Its all right a man saying hurry it up and make a baby but it's not how it works.
Ouss Ben Aziza 1 year ago
Was he an a*****e about it? If she does not want kids and he was pushy yehhh RUN However I see no issue with suggesting a technology to help no ? In a way the reverse happened with me. Where a gal i was dating suggest something to help with my disability.
#15
My friend found her on tinder
Edit: didn’t expect it to blow up. To summarize the answers: no my friend didn’t match with her, just sent me the screenshot, I instead tinder and found her profile to double check. Her profile picture was a picture that I took after we got engaged so it wasn’t her old profile. On the upside I kept the tinder profile that I created to find her profile and eventually ended up meeting my future wife there so there’s that.
Edit 2.0: the way I approached my ex about the whole thing was creating a profile with my real name and photos and leaving a “super like” or whatever it’s called now so that if it was her she’d definitely see it. She did and she messaged me about it apologizing and trying to explain herself, so no, it wasn’t a catfish, my ex just didn’t think I’d find out because I never used tinder before.
#16
She committed s*****e. Over 50 years and I'm still not really over it.
poison Ivy 1 year ago
I'm so sorry, I don't have that experience, but my Aunt took us 4 kids to a pool one day and then left us. I loved her. It was only the next day I learned she met a guy,left with him, then committed suicide. I'm sure the guy killed her and it still stings from d***s and shooting herself. That was 40 years ago. Her name was Cherry and she was beautiful!
Alicia M 1 year ago
I'm not judging the mentally ill, or anymore struggling, but suicide leaves pieces of shrapnel in your loved ones, and they will carry that with them the rest of their lives. I know suicide is not a rational act, but it leaves a disaster for those left behind. Please seek help if you're struggling. Don't suffer alone. 🤗
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
While I hear you, and agree with the sentiment, there are times - many times, if the statistics are to be believed - that not even love of one's family/loved ones can overcome the pain and suffering that can lead to suicide. And many of those who are suicidal (myself included) believe that their loved ones will be better off without them.
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R Tate Dancer 1 year ago
20 years for me. It gets better but it is the ultimate mind f (game not game). I don’t think you ever get over it.
#17
He ended up being into dudes as much as I am.
Lyoness 1 year ago
If it was a cheating thing, gotcha. If it was just that they were bi, not so much. Depends on your thoughts about sexual orientation but I've never understood when someone bi is rejected by a straight partner just because they're bi. It doesn't make you any more likely to cheat, it just means you can be attracted to men and women.
Milena B. G. Rosa 1 year ago
He might have been a gay man on the closet... My friend is gay and he tried dating womans before he came out.
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Lila Allen 1 year ago
Good thing that got sorted before you got married. Hope you both found very nice men.
#18
He ended up having a wife I did not know about.
Rebecca Surette 1 year ago
My ex married his next wife the day we signed the divorce papers. My lawyer asked if I wanted to go after him for bigamy. Nah, he wasn't worth the hassle.
#19
We were discussing former partners and somehow she got to the point where she told me she didn't expect me to be her last partner.
And not in the sense of "after you die, I'll go on with my life". She sincerely didn't expect us to stay together forever.
Now I can respect some realism in a relationship, but I decided right there and then that we weren't going to make it.
We broke up that same week.
me myself and i (she/her) 1 year ago
this is only ok if you're dating for fun or for the first time and the other knows that.
#20
Alcoholism and never ending lies about even minor things. After 5 years of giving chances and hoping things will change, I realized that they, in fact, won't and this will be my life if I don't break it off.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
Good escape. You can't help them if they don't help themselves either 😞
Bettye McKee 1 year ago
Good for you. They don't change because they don't want to change. They see nothing wrong with their lifestyle.
#21
Oh man. We'll call her "A." In the early days A was such a delight. I knew it was her when I started to have actual dreams about what our children would look like, which was something I've never experienced before or since.
For a long, long time, I was blind to all others but her.
"A" did not feel the same. The emotional distance that she kept between us eventually came to a head when my mom had a severe stroke. It nearly killed my mom, took months for her to recover to a minimal level, and simply stripped away much of who she was.
Far from offering support and encouragement during what was, at the time, the worst point in my life (not to mention my mom's), I began to realize that "A" seemed to view the whole thing as an inconvenience.
The realization that my life, and my family, didn't really matter to "A" at all broke me in ways that I'm still recovering from. I saw what I wanted to, of course. In hindsight "A's" relationships were always about projecting an outward appearance of high-value normality in order to boost her own fragile ego, and little more. My mom's stroke (and my resulting mental state) were not relevant to her because neither added value to her.
To this day I'm not sure if she's really capable of treating people as anything more than set props.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago (edited)
Sounds like a sociopath, completely devoid of empathy. They are good at mimicing emotions, without actually feeling anything.
Royal Stray 1 year ago
I think A may just not have been as invested in the relationship as OP, and had most likely already mentally checked out well before his mom's stroke, but she couldn't break up with him when he was in the middle of everything. Then again some people are just self-absorbed and sh*tty without having a pretty uncommon mental illness
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SobyKay 1 year ago
Sounds like a narcissist. Ppl can be duped by them b/c it's not what you think. They dont go around all day preening themselves or telling everyone they are the best. They are exactly like this description from OP. They appear to be human and might even pretend to care for a little while, but they are dead inside, and whatever does not function to revolve around them is discarded.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
Some people like myself do have terrible trouble with connecting but she sounds just horrible. I'm so sorry that she wasn't the support you so desperately needed. Losing your mother as you knew her will have been absolutely destroying for you. 😞
Paddling Panda 1 year ago
I'd say more a narcissistic pd. He is well rid of her, agreed.
Load More Replies... #22
Because I was an idiot and didn't appreciate what I had.
Avoidance_Panda 1 year ago (edited)
Ouch, this one burnt me... Almost 20 years on, I still kick myself how I behaved. I just hope wherever she is she's happy.... I often day dream about meeting later in life, being more mature hopefully wed give it a re do... Unfortunately it's almost been 20 years, and I realise this probably won't happen... And I'll die with the regret of the damage I did when I was younger... I hope she's had a wonderful full life...I'm just ever sorry I couldn't be the one to bring her the happiness she really truly deserved... I was such a fool
Mitchell 1 year ago
A someone who did not have a wonderful life after “the one” was a total a-hole, your words give me comfort. I hate to admit but our breakup 25 years ago changed me forever. Made me cynical, untrusting, alone. If I pretend your words are his, I feel a little better.
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Marina M. 1 year ago
There's a song "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)" that seems to fit...
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Beachbum 1 year ago
This sounds like me and my husband. We did get married, and for a while it was great. But I soon found out that everything was more important then me, and sometimes even the kids. I finally wokred it up and told him I no longer wanted to be married. I loved him, but just was no longer in love with him. He said he was an idiot for losing me, and treated his new girlfriend like a queen. Jus like he Cinderalla song, "You don't know what you got till it's gone"
#23
He found a girl in another state, while I mourned my dads death.
Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
I hope you were able to persuade a friend to help play some pranks on him, like signing him up for some erectile dysfunction clinics or Jehovahs Witnessess visits.
Crissy Newbury 1 year ago
Sounds like my bf. After four years together and getting engaged, he went off to college the year before me as my current course was longer. Visited him in November and all was good. Christmas Eve he tells me he’s met someone else. Just like that.
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Achiel Meirsman 1 year ago
She was in a state of mourning, the other girl in the state of Illinois.
#24
Covid. Just being a home, stuck together stressed about bills. The things we used to love about one another, we quickly grew to hate.
We went through the most toxic breakup I’ve ever been through in my life, 10 months of manipulation on both parts.
We had one last dinner together, a nice Italian place. We people watched a little, watched an awkward couple on their first date. Laughed some. Went back to her place and played “scattagories”. But we were both emotionally drained, trying to make something work. I could sense the emotional fatigue in her and she knew i was there too. That was the last time i saw her. We ended up mutually blocking eachother on everything you could think of. We didn’t talk for about two years. But dammit i still thought of her everyday and still loved her, even if she was bad for me. I liked to believe she was the one, at one point.
She passed away last year. That was a tough phone call i got.
#25
He had an affair with my stepmum.
James Howell 1 year ago
Um, well, ah, I didn't see that coming... nor did you I'm sure. I'm always shocked that a parent could do that to a child, step or not. Geez, what an all time low and actually as I type, pure abuse!!!
#26
FBI knocking at my door to arrest him for being a p*******e and a CP salesman. No joke.
Natasha Arruda 1 year ago
Glad this happened before you ended up tied to him and potentially bringing children into the picture, assuming that was the plan. I can only imagine what he'd end up doing.
TV Junkie 1 year ago
Unfortunately, I was in the same situation but didn’t know (found it on my computer) until my babies were born. Still left him immediately, though, with two infants to protect.
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Houndywoman 1 year ago
My final guy that I thought was the 'one' told me after 6 months that he had been in prison for a year for sex with a 13 year old. But it wasn't his fault of course. She led him on. He was depressed. She didn't want to report him but thought she would get compensation. His lawyer let him down. Nothing was his fault! It explained a lot of his behaviour and attempted manipulation. I have been single with no desire to date ever since (8 years or so). I am happy.
Ephemera Image 1 year ago
God I'm so sick of BP censoring so I can't understand what the hell the post is!
Hey! 1 year ago
What's wrong with being a CP salesman? Whatever this is, is it connected with the rest?
Ovata Acronicta 1 year ago
Child p o r nography, more commonly referred to now as CSAM - Child sexual abuse material. And yes it is connected, the censored word being pedophile.
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Angi 1 year ago
I have absolutely nothing to hide but if I found out my husband was checking my browser history without my knowledge it would probably ruin our relationship because I build my relationships on trust and that is a total breech of my trust.
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#27
He dreamt I was trying to k*ll him with a six foot frozen fish and in his sleep tried to defend himself by choking me.. He had very strange dreams that he physically reacted to in his sleep. We decided after the third or so time it wasn't going to work.
Julia Mckinney 1 year ago
At least when my husband got physical in a dream, it was because he thought I had a spider on my arm and slapped it. Surprised the heck outta me though, and he NEVER woke up. I didn't get an explanation until the next morning.
Kathie Mihindukulasuriya 1 year ago
My husband once rolled over the wrong way and whacked me instead of the snooze button , while I yelled, "Hey, hey!". We still laugh about it, but I don't know how funny it would be if it were a more frequent occurrence.
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Auntriarch 1 year ago
I do that regularly. Mr Auntriarch has learned to wake me up as soon as I start making a noise. Only once did I attack myself, bit my own wrist because I was lying on it and thought it was holding me down. He laughed like a drain...
Marina M. 1 year ago
My ex punched himself in the face once while sleeping and knocked out a tooth... I'm kind of glad that I only heard about it on the phone.
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Karen Betterton 1 year ago
I'm very sad you experienced this. Your partner likely has REM sleep disorder. My husband of 43 yrs suffers this same disorder, we now sleep in separate rooms as it is too dangerous for me to share a bed. Look up the disorder it brings a number of further health issues all of which my husband suffers with. This disorder can be managed but not cured.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 1 year ago
My ex always had dreams that he was being chased by someone or something. So he'd "run" in his sleep. No choking involved, but I'd get kicked every night...
#28
He came from old money vs I came from no money. (as in familial wealth). Education wise, on par. He is Jewish, I am Afro-Latina. Parents (mom + step dad) threatened to cut him off if he continued the relationship. We break up suddenly after a few really fun years. Sucks to suck.
poison Ivy 1 year ago
I'm sorry, but you did dodge a bullet. If he loved you he wouldn't care. They either come around or they don't. Hope you're doing better!
Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
I have to disagree. Having in-laws that hate you is a recipe for a lifetime of negativity and horrible drama. Not worth it.
Load More Replies... censorshipsucks 1 year ago
parents wanted kosher grandkids. Does not surprise me. I've got a lot of jewish friends and they all insist on marrying jewish.
Jordan Miller 1 year ago
And oddly enough, my dad aunt and uncle (all of my grandmas kids on that side) married gentiles. Weve had pork brought to passover, cause it gets combined with easter.
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Hakitosama 1 year ago
My mom's boyfriend did that to her. His mother wanted him to settle for a proper "Jewish girl" and he simply ditched my mother after more than 10 years of relationship....never liked the guy somehow and I now know why
#29
She decided having sex with her boss for more money was a better deal.
Michael Largey 1 year ago
"She decided having sex with her boss for more money was a better deal." Well, how much were you paying her?
Aelin Wildfire 1 year ago
What a disgusting boss, thinking that that's an acceptable way to treat your employees... She may not be innocent here, but her boss could have fired her at any time if she'd said no, so what was she supposed to do? Would reporting him have made a difference? It's not my relationship, so it's not my business either way, but if it had been me, I would've blamed the boss...
#30
He started drinking a lot and I just didn’t want to end up with someone like my dad. I adore my dad but it hurts to see him struggle and I knew I couldn’t handle loving two men with drinking problems. It broke my heart because he was otherwise such a great guy.
It was ultimately the right choice though. My husband is the true love of my life. And I can’t imagine being happy in any other life.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
I had an uncle who I saw once or twice a year. He was a big man and he was frequently extremely drunk which I found very scary as a child. I find drunk people very unpredictable and still have that sense of fear around them. My best friend is a soppy drunk but I used to be so wary of him in the early days. Best buddies 24 years on though. I'm glad you found your wonderful husband ❤️
Hodge Elmwood 1 year ago
My dad was an alcoholic. The problems it caused were never-ending, and it ruined his health. I swore I would never live with an alcoholic again, and I only have a drink myself about 3 or 4 times a year. A single drink each time.
#31
It took me a while to figure out that she was actually an entitled grand daughter of a once-rich Asian family. There never really is just one thing and maybe I ignored it when we first started dating. But here is a list of things I realized after about a year of dating
1. She flat out said that public school kids (like myself) weren’t as good as boarding school kids (her)
2. Her expectation was that everything was going to rely on my salary. At the time, I was making about 2x her salary
3. She was a closet racist. She’s Korean and I’m Chinese and just had to take jabs. One time I was in line in the grocery store while she had to get something. When she came back, there were a few people in between us and I just told her to come up and cut the line. She made a comment like “…just like a Chinese person” underneath her breath.
4. Her mom would buy her business flights tickets back home. She came back once and implored that was the life that she wanted. Sure, but she was on a $70k salary.
5. She was nostalgic about the life she had that her grandfather built for the family. Wealth really lasts three generations and she was never “taught” what job or vocation would make money for a life. She was smart and well educated (art history major) but the fancy education really is just an intangible Louis Vuitton bag that was there to make her more marriage material.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago (edited)
Some people ::ahems while glancing below:: seem to think that racism is just "learned manners" (wtf?) that one might have "trouble" going against. I'm white af, adopted at birth into a Mexican family, and my boyfriend is Chinese (the son of immigrants.) I've seen racism in both my family AND his. Amazingly, you can CHOOSE to not be racist, regardless of what your family and upbringing were like!
June 9 months ago
I agree but growing up with horrific racist, narcissist and mysogynistic close relatives, there are some internalized conditionning that are not that easy to get rid of. Don't get me wrong, I'm not racist or mysogynistic one bit, but man sometimes I've got some thoughts that pop that don't belong to me at all, and that I deeply hate. They never last but they do keep popping randomly. I hate it. These people were also my abusers, and (early childhood) abuse can wreck your brain badly.
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Mike F 1 year ago
It sounds like "learned manners" in this case equals entitlement.
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#32
Turned out she was a cheating narcissistic liar and I had been trying to ignore the signs. Bullet dodged.
Thomas Hunt, Jr. 1 year ago
I can relate. Didn't help that she got a.kick out of tearing my heart outta my.chest and stomping on it.....but only after I confronted her with the truth. Swore off relationships after that. That was almost 15 years ago.
#33
She's a nice girl and I was a s****y boyfriend.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
yeah this was my story twice. Never underestimate that maybe the problem is you.
Lila Allen 1 year ago
Hey you at least got smart and self reflected and are sorting yourself out. That's impressive.
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#34
I was young. Didn't know what I had. Would be different now. I think about her everyday and it's been 11 or 12 years since I've even seen her.
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
Wow, what great advice. Kind of like telling a depressed person to just “be happy.”
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moody goody 1 year ago
If you have any means of communicating with her, try it. Dont live with this regret for the rest of your live. Make amends if possible.
#35
She decided to go with another guy, who she had a baby with and then he left her for some other girl.
Papa 1 year ago
Also known as "If they do it with you, they'll do it to you."
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#36
He died.
#37
He married someone else on my birthday because he got her pregnant.
Kraneia The Dancing Dryad 1 year ago
Sounds like the best present you could get-getting rid of a cheater 🙂
weatherwitch 1 year ago
He sounds like he was so precious to you. It being your birthday means it was the best present after all as you escaped someone who cheated and lied..
#38
It was a long distance relationship and she found someone closer.
Emma S 1 year ago
It's sad but this is fairly common in long distance relationships. It doesn't excuse cheating, but the novelty of having a partner that you can only see maybe once in a blue moon, or communicate with over a computer or phone eventually wears off and one person decides they want someone they can have regular sex and go on dates with. I'm not saying long distance can't work, but it certainly makes things difficult.
doredde 1 year ago
He/she didn´t say a word about cheating. Just that she found someone closer.
Load More Replies... René Sauer 1 year ago
Yep, and that´s the reason I don´t believe in long Distance relationships in the long run...
KillerKiwi 1 year ago
If long term relationships didn’t work out I wouldn’t exist
Load More Replies... weatherwitch 1 year ago
That's often the way. They can be isolating or too intense. When you need them, like in an emergency they're not there, they're never there, it's incredibly hard I've been in several over the decades and I wish I hadn't bothered. I didn't cheat though just left 😔
Bettye McKee 1 year ago
My (late) husband and I had a long-distance relation for almost three years. We decided to marry and had 34 wonderful years together.
#39
He was not meant for “settling down” as they say. We dated expecting marriage in the future but some people abhor commitment and he fooled himself into believing he could settle down as well but but turns out commitment was difficult for him and this is something I should have realized way before in the relationship.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
Society really is all about committing and the long term. I'm 50 and never got beyond two years in the few relationships I've had. It's just very difficult for the other person 😔
Paola Aldrete 1 year ago
The same thing happened to me after four years we moved in together just because I got pregnant now we have been together for 16 years and he says he is not ready for the wedding yet we have two children
#40
I needed to face my baggage by myself.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
We are our own best cure. People can help us but ultimately it is us who has to deal with whatever the issue is ❤️
Rebecca Surette 1 year ago
Wise move. You can never be happy with another person until you are happy with just yourself.
#41
I realized I was settling.
nanofarad 1 year ago
expectations vs. reality. You need to learn your true wealth, to many people expect to marry a 10 when they are a 5 at most.
LakotaWolf (she/her) 1 year ago
I'm glad that you're the resident expert on the "appearance score" of so many people, most of whom you've never met :p
Load More Replies... #42
We were too young.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
Or just grew apart. I know of three couples who've been together since early teens and now are couples in their fifties, sixties and seventies 😮 But they're So unusual, people just generally drift apart as they get older from wanting different goals to just not loving one another anymore. It's sad but it's life 😔❤️
Thomas Hunt, Jr. 1 year ago
Not all young people are wrong to marry...just as not all older ones are right in marrying. Parents got married in 74 after 5 weeks. Both were 17 back then. They're happily married to this day.
censorshipsucks 1 year ago
I don't know about this. I can see that settling young will make you wonder about all the other possible lives that walk past you for the next 60 years or so, but settling late you end up with someone with fixed habits and hygiene practices who can be a nightmare to untrain, I am speaking from experience. When I had a young relationship we grew together.
#43
The last words she said to me were, "who are we kidding? It was never going to work out." Long distance relationship that optimist me thought would actually work out despite my buddies telling me otherwise. Still sometimes think of what might have been. The temptation to search for her online is strong.
weatherwitch 1 year ago
Nothing to stop you from searching, it's what you hope to do with the information you find that's important...
#44
We grew apart.
#45
Said no.
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What do you think ?
Royal Stray 1 year ago (edited)
How is it so difficult for some people to realize that you can be a bad person without having an uncommon mental illness, and that trying to say that X-person is a narcissistic sociopath really only causes issues for actual people with these disorders. Which aren't an excuse to be a horrible person.
Featherking 10 months ago (edited)
I actually have to agree - but I think it’s partly because people don’t fully realize to what extent the specific behaviours must manifest before any diagnosis is even considered. I work in mental healthcare, so I often see people being shocked at how bad it actually has to be before it’s any kid of diagnosis; just being a bad person/ having a problem with commitment/ being emotionally stunted or any such trait does not constitute any mental illness or deviation. Not unless it’s at a pathological level, so to speak. That being said, if one is not a professional, or the symptoms are glaringly obvious, it’s really more of a bad thing to apply a diagnosis on anyone - you’re almost guaranteed to be wrong, and you’ll most likely be spreading your misconceptions to other people. It’s stigmatized and misunderstood as it is, no need to make it worse. Thank you for reading my virtue signal for this week, I’m hoping for a TED talk some day.
Load More Replies...
Lorraine Woollands 1 year ago
I was engaged to be married, as I thought. But it never happened. He has been married before( marriage of convenience for the woman. She was gay from somewhere in Africa. If she had gone back unmarried she would been killed). I realized after a while he never intended to get married ( he wouldn't get the paperwork sorted out). I stayed when I should have got out. He died two years ago. He don't know what he told his family about me but they blamed me for his death. Not my fault he didn't take care of his own health ( he was diabetic and had big ulcers on both legs. Think he died of Sepsis.) family never told how the died r when he was buried. We had separate rooms and where more like brother and sister. Together 13 years. Stayed because I didn't want to out back to live with mum and dad
Casey Smith 1 year ago
Kindergarten ended and he went to a different 1st grade. I still think of him, my married name would have been Casey Casey.
Neopet22 1 year ago
My friend was having a long distance relationship for close to 9 years I think. She thought he was her soulmate,she went so see him few times in his country but this past year she ended it. She is definitely not the kind of person who needs to have sex so that was not the reason but the fact that she was getting lonely from not having him near plus him not doing anything with his life. Since the start of their relationship it was very clear he won't change that part of himself but of course she was in love and didn't notice it. He was like 32 and never had a stable job and she was planning to move to his country and build their life together. Once she realized she will have to also basically support him,that was the end of it
Alymara 1 year ago
Things had gotten progressively worse between us for months. He was in a bad place emotionally but refused to get any help for himself and in the end became nothing but disrespectful to me. He wouldn't consider any of my needs. I would pour my heart out and end up crying to him about how hurt I was, and all he could say was "Are you on your period?" (For the record, I was not.) Several years later, I realize I should have left him much sooner, and I'm now getting married to someone who treats me very well and who I'm happy with.
Lee Banks 1 year ago (edited)
I moved to his small town where I knew no one. Developed a serious drinking problem to cope. He enabled. When I decided to clean up, I foolishly went cold turkey and had a tonic-clonic seizure that landed me in rehab for a proper detox. 28 days later I called for him to pick me up. He said that all my belongings were at my mom's house and he was engaged to a mutual friend. Slept on the street for a week. Five years wasted, but I'm so very glad I found out what a callous a*s he could be before I became wife #4. Edit: I'm mostly to blame for making poor decisions, but it turns out his isolating women was a regular thing. His ex called to tell me his habit was underage girls.
Michael Largey 1 year ago (edited)
My intended and I had to move to different places and her older sister convinced her that long distance relations don't work. Shortly after the break-up, guess which older sibling was driving down to where I lived intending to get in bed with me? Sorry Big Sis, no d**k for you!
Royal Stray 1 year ago (edited)
How is it so difficult for some people to realize that you can be a bad person without having an uncommon mental illness, and that trying to say that X-person is a narcissistic sociopath really only causes issues for actual people with these disorders. Which aren't an excuse to be a horrible person.
Featherking 10 months ago (edited)
I actually have to agree - but I think it’s partly because people don’t fully realize to what extent the specific behaviours must manifest before any diagnosis is even considered. I work in mental healthcare, so I often see people being shocked at how bad it actually has to be before it’s any kid of diagnosis; just being a bad person/ having a problem with commitment/ being emotionally stunted or any such trait does not constitute any mental illness or deviation. Not unless it’s at a pathological level, so to speak. That being said, if one is not a professional, or the symptoms are glaringly obvious, it’s really more of a bad thing to apply a diagnosis on anyone - you’re almost guaranteed to be wrong, and you’ll most likely be spreading your misconceptions to other people. It’s stigmatized and misunderstood as it is, no need to make it worse. Thank you for reading my virtue signal for this week, I’m hoping for a TED talk some day.
Load More Replies... Lorraine Woollands 1 year ago
I was engaged to be married, as I thought. But it never happened. He has been married before( marriage of convenience for the woman. She was gay from somewhere in Africa. If she had gone back unmarried she would been killed). I realized after a while he never intended to get married ( he wouldn't get the paperwork sorted out). I stayed when I should have got out. He died two years ago. He don't know what he told his family about me but they blamed me for his death. Not my fault he didn't take care of his own health ( he was diabetic and had big ulcers on both legs. Think he died of Sepsis.) family never told how the died r when he was buried. We had separate rooms and where more like brother and sister. Together 13 years. Stayed because I didn't want to out back to live with mum and dad
Casey Smith 1 year ago
Kindergarten ended and he went to a different 1st grade. I still think of him, my married name would have been Casey Casey.
Neopet22 1 year ago
My friend was having a long distance relationship for close to 9 years I think. She thought he was her soulmate,she went so see him few times in his country but this past year she ended it. She is definitely not the kind of person who needs to have sex so that was not the reason but the fact that she was getting lonely from not having him near plus him not doing anything with his life. Since the start of their relationship it was very clear he won't change that part of himself but of course she was in love and didn't notice it. He was like 32 and never had a stable job and she was planning to move to his country and build their life together. Once she realized she will have to also basically support him,that was the end of it
Alymara 1 year ago
Things had gotten progressively worse between us for months. He was in a bad place emotionally but refused to get any help for himself and in the end became nothing but disrespectful to me. He wouldn't consider any of my needs. I would pour my heart out and end up crying to him about how hurt I was, and all he could say was "Are you on your period?" (For the record, I was not.) Several years later, I realize I should have left him much sooner, and I'm now getting married to someone who treats me very well and who I'm happy with.
Lee Banks 1 year ago (edited)
I moved to his small town where I knew no one. Developed a serious drinking problem to cope. He enabled. When I decided to clean up, I foolishly went cold turkey and had a tonic-clonic seizure that landed me in rehab for a proper detox. 28 days later I called for him to pick me up. He said that all my belongings were at my mom's house and he was engaged to a mutual friend. Slept on the street for a week. Five years wasted, but I'm so very glad I found out what a callous a*s he could be before I became wife #4. Edit: I'm mostly to blame for making poor decisions, but it turns out his isolating women was a regular thing. His ex called to tell me his habit was underage girls.
Michael Largey 1 year ago (edited)
My intended and I had to move to different places and her older sister convinced her that long distance relations don't work. Shortly after the break-up, guess which older sibling was driving down to where I lived intending to get in bed with me? Sorry Big Sis, no d**k for you!
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