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Luckily, most people these days can choose for themselves who they want to marry and arranged marriages are seen as a violation of a person’s freedom and rights. There is a tradition that a man will ask a woman if she would like to be his wife and she has the option to give whichever answer she sees fit.
Usually people propose when they feel that they have a strong relationship with their significant other and have maybe even discussed the possibility of getting married. However, that is not always the case and sometimes women realize they don’t actually want to spend the rest of their lives with a certain person, so they decline the offer.
It is interesting to explore the reasons why, because if you are already in a relationship, what could be stopping you from taking it to the next level? Women shared their reasons after tommygunz007 asked “Women of Reddit who were proposed to by their SO and said no, what's your story?”
Do you have a proposal story in which you refused to marry someone? Maybe you were the one proposing and would like to share how the other side feels? We would be happy to read what you have to say in the comments!
More info: Reddit
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#1
We were high school sweethearts. Even though we'd dated since the second month of our freshman year of high school, I had zero assumptions that we'd get married or even stay together after high school. Everyone including him was adamantly encouraging me to follow him to the university he was going to and I was dead set on going to a very different school that everyone deemed beneath me. Our families held a joint graduation party for us at his family's house after we did the official school walk/diploma thing. I was asked to grab something upstairs from his room. When I came back to the top of the stairs and looked down EVERY MEMBER (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, parents) of both of our families was standing on the bottom floor looking up at me expectantly as he knelt at the bottom of the stairs with the ring. I was shocked. I didn't want to come down the stairs but I did, shaky-legs trembling from adrenaline. I started crying which was misinterpreted as a yes and everyone cheered. I grabbed him and ran out the front door. We talked and I told him we weren't on the same page and I just couldn't go back in there. He was devastated. I left the party. Unbeknownst to everyone (including him) I was planning to leave to work abroad for the summer. I was keeping it a secret so that no one could talk me out of it and and I was going abroad primarily so I wouldn't have to deal with more pressure to switch schools over the summer. So when I left the party, I decided that rather than wait to leave until the next morning, I'd just get my stuff together and go now. I was out of the house within the hour having left pre-written notes for everyone letting them know I'd contact them when I got where I was going. Pretty much everyone was livid with me. I'll admit that literally running away from the pressure and continued conversations I didn't want to have was not the most grown up thing to do, but I still maintain it was the right thing for me to do. How many times can you calmly tell people to let you lead the life you want only to have them not listen to you and tell you they know better, insist you live your life according to their wishes? I'd reached my limit and that trip allowed me to assert my independence, find myself and my own voice. I came back a new person and I believe I've had a much a happier life for following my own path.
June’s Very Own 3 years ago
It’s great that you followed your dreams instead of everybody’s expectations and learnt and grew
Hedgeh og 3 years ago
This person sounds very wise. Knowing that her behavior was both not the best thing to do AND YET the right thing in the circumstances is very important. Sometimes the choices we're left with are all poor but we still have to make a choice. I don't have any idea who this person is but it makes me so happy to know she wasn't subsumed by other people telling her who to be and how to live. And as a side note: YES, traveling and living abroad can do miracles for one's self awareness and growth; I recommend :)
I' Gomez & Morticia's kid 3 years ago
Turn out that guy also likes men and both are married to men of their dream
Nadja Lambacher 3 years ago
yup, just read her comment on the original post, that is amazing
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Lyone Fein 3 years ago
Sounds like you got out of several toxic relationships. You did the right thing.
aj B 3 years ago
A bunch of people constantly pushing you to live your life the way they want who refuse to pay attention when you tell them your plan isn't theirs and that your life belongs to you. I'd say removing yourself from contact with such is about as grown up as it gets. It's what we tell adults to do if it's an option after all.
Lesley Hahn 3 years ago
Literally running away was the only thing they left for you to do other than massively illegal things or caving and suffering which sounds actually more ungrownup than "running" in this case.
suzanne van Doorn 3 years ago
Why not just be honest with him from the start about what you wanted instead of breaking his heart? Good for you to follow your dreams, but why the secrecy about it? I feel sad for the guy
Memere 3 years ago
Because no one would listen to her when she DID be honest about what she wanted to do, even the boyfriend. When you've tried to tell them, over & over & over, and no one truly listens to you, secrecy becomes your only option.
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#2
We were 19 & 21 and had been together for 2 years. He took me to Paris, pulled out all the stops and proposed under the Eiffel Tower. I told him it wasn’t a no, it was a not yet (if he would wait). I wanted to travel and knew I was too young for marriage. We ended up travelling together, making amazing memories through the years - we got engaged when I was 24 and married when I was 27 in the most perfect service and have been happily married 4 years next week!
Julia Mckinney 3 years ago
Wow, glad it worked out for you guys! I'd just posted a comment about getting proposals from 3 guys I had casually dated and all before I was 19 or so. It was kind of funny and kind of weird to me because I wasn't really pretty and wasn't a femme fatale either. Just lots of friends and some people I dated for a while. No relationships longer than a couple of months either until my husband proposed when we were 29 (30 years ago).
#3
Sold my great grandmom's wedding set to buy a gaudy diamond monstrosity of a ring.
I had asked him to use the engagement ring to propose with as I would have been the fourth generation to wear it.
He said it was ugly and awful and wouldn't have his "woman" wearing second hand garbage.
I dumped his a*s and got the set back from the pawn shop.
Just realized this was the second time I dumped a guy based on this kind of behavior. I sure can pick 'em.
Laura Mende (Human) 3 years ago
My dad did some really brutal stuff. Destroying my mothers heirlooms while she was away (at work, shopping, visiting people...) just saying: "You don't need this anymore, it's garbage." He just destroyed stuff, and then when mom asked and got angry and sad, he just huffed and laughed at her for caring for inanimate things. I mean real treasures passed down for 80-120yrs: He burned old books and pictures, melted down the rings and bracelets, even burned their love letters!!! Sadistic Pig! (Not an explaination but he said, he grew up very poor, for him it was normal to not have anything worthy. So he didn't thought moms things were worthy either...) So glad they divorced when I was 8. But the families heritage is lost forever!
Memere 3 years ago
That's horrible, and I know a little of what you & your mother felt. My father was vindictive towards me in a similar way. Anything that was a "family heirloom" was intended for my sister & two brothers, but nothing for me. My mom was going to give me a solid cherry wood bed frame because I needed it, and the day before I was going to pick it up, my father smashed it to pieces. He claimed "it was in his way" when he needed to get something from the garage. Of course, as it turned out, what he needed wasn't even in the garage, it was in the machine shop. I never asked for anything again.
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Panda-riffic 3 years ago
I found this post kind of hard to understand. Why would he have her grandmothers jewelry? He wouldn't have authority to p**n it so I'm surprised the pawnshop would even accept it.
Memere 3 years ago
She asked him to use it to propose to her & he decided on his own that it wasn't good enough. And pawnshops don't generally ask for proof of ownership, unless they've been told by the police to watch for stolen goods.
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Mika N 3 years ago
My husband's grandmother had a set of diamond earring and gave one each to my husband and his brother, and he got it put into a ring for me when he proposed! I wanted a small, sweet, not too flashy ring since I'm pretty casual most of the time, so the one diamond was perfect and I love that it has a little history behind it now!
Alexis minnix 3 years ago
As a person with a lot of family heirlooms, I would’ve done much worse than just dump him.
#4
Dating a guy for a few years. Was 20 years old at the time. Very controlling, wasn't going great. We were opening Christmas presents with his family when he asked. He proposed while saying he loved the woman I would become one day. I said yes in public, but no in private. If you don't even love me now, why propose now? Needless to say it didn't last long
Nathaniel 3 years ago
Love the woman she would become? That is some controlling bs there, mould the person into your own little Stepford wife.
Casey McAlister 3 years ago
I kinda wish she'd told him no in front of his entire family, he absolutely deserved to be dragged for this pathetic excuse of a proposal.
#5
We had been together for about four years I think, and he just kinda popped it out of the blue, like “we should get married” style. So I was like “are you asking me?” And he said yeah, so I said no lol
Basically we were both punky streetkids and I just didn’t want to get married, because marriage is just a contract ofc. So I rolled my eyes at him but I was secretly very flattered.
We stayed together pretty much for years and he ask me a few more times over the course of that, and well, after about ten years he finally wore me down and I said “OK, I guess it doesn’t matter.” Which was as close as I think I was ever going to get to saying yes to anyone - lol - he is definitely the only guy that could have worn me down like that.
We are still together, 16 years since I first said no. 😏
Ozacoter 3 years ago
Marriage is just a contract indeed. Sometimes it can be useful because of legal rights and taxes but it should not determine ones relationship. Love is love with or without marriage
mulk 3 years ago
yes! and very "usefull" if somebody have an accident and is in coma... for very important decisions.
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D20 Games 3 years ago
This. Marriage is not for everyone. I absolutely support you if marriage is your thing, you do you. Not everyone marries. Some folks find their someone, and never marry. That's cool too.
Céline Proulx 3 years ago
Although this person is clearly happy in their relationship, the fact that she describes it as having been "worn down" into saying yes just makes this story sad. Loving someone is respecting their wishes, not wearing them down until you get what you want.
#6
He bought me a ring as a Christmas present. The proposal came the day after with him saying "by the way, that's an engagement ring".
He tried the same thing again the year after. Told him both times that if he couldn't even ask me whether I wanted to actually marry him or not, I didn't want the rings.
June’s Very Own 3 years ago
The person who gifted the rings could have just asked lmao. Why does it sound like they are trying to force them Into it by both giving OP a choice?
Memere 3 years ago (edited)
By not asking he was "putting his mark" on her, claiming her as "his property" - definitely a sign of a controlling person who would become an abuser.
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Lily bloom 3 years ago
My ex proposed on Christmas with a gold (I prefer silver tone) ring with crosses on it (I am not at all religious nor was he). I stupidly said yes but only if we could exchange the ring. We returned it but never replaced it. I stayed with that loser (not that the ring choice made him a loser but several other reasons) for way too long after that.
Healing Moon Breezes 3 years ago
Why are you still with the guy? You are wasting so much time and energy.
#7
Me and my girlfriend had been living together for a couple of years. I asked her if she wanted an engagement ring or a dishwasher for her Birthday.
She chose the dishwasher :)
In her defence she thought I was joking. I had been very clear from the start that I didn't believe in marriage.
It was an awesome dishwasher though. We are still together as well 12 years later (and still not married).
Memere 3 years ago
He does say it "was" an awesome dishwasher, so my guess is it's gone to the great kitchen in the sky, lol.
Load More Replies... Rabbit Lord 3 years ago
I was hoping for something like "the dishwasher still works 12 yars later". ^^
Scott Crowell 3 years ago
Something like the dishwasher still gets hot when I turn it on.
Load More Replies... Full Name 3 years ago
A dishwasher for her birthday?!? Yikes! That would be the opposite of a proposal in my book.
Memere 3 years ago
Well, OP said he asked & that's what she chose. If he gave her what she wanted, then it's good.
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#8
My ex was an abusive narcissist. I was 21 (very naive, first relationship) he was 54 and divorced. I had been gaslit and pushed into the relationship but didn't realize that until later. He demanded keys to my apartment and passwords but refused to give me his and a whole list of c**p like this. Now I wouldn't put up with it but at the time I did. He proposed at 11 months but by then he was verbally and emotionally abusive and had come close to hitting me.
My sperm donor father was a very abusive alcoholic so I only have memories of his BS and I knew I didn't want to repeat the abuse cycle. My mom, Grandma, and Aunt have all had abusive husband's and I didn't want it to continue with me.
Once ex-bf became abusive I warned him to knock that s**t off or I'd leave. He proposed after calling me a stupid b***h. I followed through. I changed the locks in my apartment and my passwords. He actually CALLED me after I changed my passwords screaming about it. I broke up with him, why the hell is he trying to get into my stuff??
After a few weeks of me refusing to go back to him he contacted my boss and accused me of stealing and contacted the fire department I volunteered with and accused me of endangering my team to showboat and get attention. Thankfully both believed me over him and he was blacklisted. He tried to show up several more times at FD events and he was always immediately escorted off property.
I'm still glad I got rid of that ahole.
Seabeast 3 years ago
She had me at "I was 21 and he was 54 and divorced".
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Memere 3 years ago
I know - the ex was more than twice her age! At least she got away from him & knows better now.
Load More Replies... Kusotare 3 years ago
What? There was a THIRTY YEAR+ age difference between the two of you? I guess you were too naive to realize it, but with the perspective of time, I hope you realize that's a red flag right there. Sure, a 30-year age difference can be NBD...if you're 72 and he's 105!
Seabeast 3 years ago
Age difference aren't always a problem - there's a 20 year gap between my partner and me. But we met when I was nearly 30 and had lived on my own for 10 years. A 21 year old is barely out of their parent's house.
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Peter Korsten 3 years ago
Just the image of this moron showing up at a party with a lot of fit and burly firemen. Yes, he'd be escorted off very promptly.
Daniel Marsh 3 years ago (edited)
54 and 21? That even violates the 2*x+7 rule! (I have no idea if it's true... probably not... but supposedly there exists among some group -- often claimed to be a Muslim sect -- a rule that a couple can marry if the woman is more than half the man's age, rounded down, plus 7. So a 17 year-old can marry a 16 year-old, but not a 15-year-old... a 32-year-old can marry a 24-year-old...
Memere 3 years ago (edited)
I just read something about that - it was that a woman should be half the man's age + 7. So, for example, a 36 year old man should marry a woman no younger than 25. It's really weird, and IMO, is rationalization for adult men to marry young girls.
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Nightshade1972 3 years ago
May/December romances can be successful, if both parties are on the same page, but unfortunately, as you discovered, frequently when the man is that much older, he's looking for someone he can dominate and control--a 50 yo knows that a fellow 50 yo won't put up with that BS, so he dates a 20 yo who thinks "that's how it's supposed to work." I'm glad OP was smart enough to figure out that's *not* how things are "supposed" to work, and dumped his sorry a$$.
Alex 3 years ago
Imagine him calling the fire department due to a fire and them not picking up. I know that's not how calling 911 works but lol
Memere 3 years ago
Oh, they could show up, but they would rescue him & let the house burn, while protecting the neighbor's property!! At least that's what I would hope they would do, but knowing the standards firefighters hold themselves to, they would do their job to the best of their abilities.
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Swear Wolfe 3 years ago
Sadly when I was young and naive I stayed with my narcissistic ex for 11 years. Finally got the guts to walk for good. But I'm glad you got to avoid the trauma and drama years of that damage would have caused you.
#9
Childhood sweetheart and boyfriend in Paris asked me to marry him during a drunk night out. Said we should move to Vietnam and start a movie company. I thought he was joking. When I said no, he went on a 5 day drinking binge. I had said no because I knew he was alcoholic. Well, fast forward 20yrs, he now lives in Vietnam, has a movie company, stopped drinking and happily married. Good on him! Apart from the alcoholism, he was a great guy! Glad he realized his dream.
June’s Very Own 3 years ago
I love self growth so much! I’m glad he’s stopped drinking and hope OP is doing great too!
Nadine Bamberger 3 years ago
There's a tiny little bit of regret in the last sentences, but I could be mistaken.
#10
He thought asking me to marry him and tattooing 'private property of op' would be a good way to make me forget serial cheating
Foxxy (The Original) 3 years ago
Should have let him go through with the tattoo and then left his sorry, cheating a**e. Lol
Ogre Juan Canolli 3 years ago
Tattoo On Which of You ? "....make me forget serial cheating''' Yours Or His ?
#11
An ex, I told him things were going downhill and I wanted to end things so he decided to propose to me (thank god not in public) as an attempt to get me to stay. I said no.
Daniel Marsh 3 years ago
I do know some happy marriages where the wife had to tell the husband to make his move or move on. But that's different than declaring things are going downhill.
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New Everywhere 3 years ago
Why oh why do people think grand gestures like "lets get married" or "lets have a baby" will fix ANYTHING. If anything, it will accelerate you toward confronting the problem.
Nightshade1972 3 years ago
"I think we should break up." "Do you want to get married?" "Not to you..."
Lisa Valen 3 years ago
Let's end things, this relationship is going downhill. OK! Will you marry me? Since you want to end our dating?
#12
A girl I was casually dating, not even in a relationship with, proposed in front of her toddler niece and nephews and a LARGE crowd of people at the aquarium. Even asked her nephew, “Do you want OP to be Auntie OP?” with the ring in hand. I said yes in public and then no privately. Never saw her again after that one.
Nikki Sevven 3 years ago
Also, never propose in front of your partner's entire family.
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Julia Mckinney 3 years ago (edited)
I had 3 separate guys talk about our future- #1 guy- plan where we were going to build our house (I was 15, he'd been my first, real boyfriend and we'd been broken up for a few months by then); #2 guy- wanted to plan our future wedding over the phone calling me from Germany (he was lonely in the army) we'd dated for maybe a month; #3 guy- said he'd settle for marrying me if I toned down my personality, clothes make-up etc. a bit, maybe his parents would approve (he was a Swiss exchange student, probably looking for a green card, I was only 18, maybe 19 and still a good Lutheran, kind of repressed, girl ). I was really spooked by these guys trying to get really serious when I was having fun. Never got another proposal until I was 29 (said yes to that one, 30 years ago, still together).
aj B 3 years ago
Honestly people need to stop being so nice with the "yes in public/no privately" no, they decided they wanted to make this a public affair well then they get an answer in public, and if it's not the one they like, well that's on them for doing it. Don't want the public involved then don't do it at all. If it happens enough people will start thinking through the potential consequences.
Wang Zhuang 3 years ago
I disagree. I think it's fine to propose in public, just as long as both of you are certain you want to be married. Meaning that the prospect of getting married has been discussed and you both like the idea. That's the problem with so many of these posts.
Blackstone 3 years ago (edited)
It's like a test for the rest of the relationship. If you can't communicate about whether you want to get married, you probably shouldn't get married because a healthy marriage is a lot of talking and listening and working together on things.
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Pamela Blue 3 years ago
I truly think these "Public" proposals are a disaster, and should NEVER be attempted unless you have discussed it beforehand with said partner, and both are in agreement. It appears to me that proposing in public like that is almost forcing a person to agree whether they want to or not, just to avoid embarrassment. It's not cool, folks. It's really not.
#13
I had an exboyfriend that I hadn't even seen or spoken to in 3 months show up to my parents' house at 3am. My stepmom would stay up to all hours of the night watching tv so she saw his car lights when he pulled into the side driveway. She came and got me furious he was there and asked why I lied about breaking up with him. I had to explain we were broken up and I had no idea why he was there. When I went outside he was leaning on his car looking lovestruck and crazy. He told me that the universe wanted us together and it was cosmic fate. He then pulled out a frat boy bottle opener ring with a cat toy tied to it and told me he had an important question to ask me. I told him no flat out before he even asked. I pointed at his car and told him to go home. When he asked why I listed all the things that led me to break up with him including him dropping out of school multiple times and not having a job once during our 2 year relationship. He told me he did have a job now. When I asked where he worked, because I knew he was lying, he looked me in the eyes and said if he told me that he'd have to kill me. I had enough and told him to get the hell off my family's property and he left reluctantly telling me he'd be back. I never saw him again but I heard through the grapevine that he told others that he had shown up in a tux with a huge diamond ring that I threw on the ground. I used to wonder what would have happened if my stepmom didn't see his car pull up.
Sorry for typos, I'm on mobile.
juice 3 years ago
seems like what they think a "frat boy bottle opener ring" looks like. i’m pretty sure it's something more like this: a3b141183e...a9c72b.jpg 
Elin Noller 3 years ago
Why did the step mom assume she lied tho? And why be furious with her about him being there? Seems abusive
#14
He was proposing to show how he was fully committed and dedicated to me and only me after he was caught cheating.
Seabeast 3 years ago
The cultural myth is that every woman wants to be married and will melt and forgive everything if she's proposed to. It must come as a shock to a man like this to be turned down.
Load More Replies... Lisa Valen 3 years ago
Well, it was his cheating that proved that he was fully committed and dedicated to you.
#15
About 3 or 4 months after we started dating he asked. It was a moment...we had a fun night out, a little buzzed, in a cab over the Williamsburg Bridge looking at the NYC skyline, weather was beautiful...I think we were both feeling immortal.
But I said, you know...I'm saying no now because we haven't been dating so long and we've had a bit to drink and we're just caught up in the moment. He seemed dejected. He was still dejected days later.
That said, a few years later after we'd been together long enough I said yes and we got hitched so we still got the happy ending!
Daniel Marsh 3 years ago
It's good for very young people to be okay with a distinction between "not yet" and "no"
#16
He brought me up to his apartment about a 2 hour drive from my college. I was basically trapped there. He asked me while he was feeling insecure about the relationship and figured a proposal would lock me in place. I dodged it for a few days, but I needed to get back to classes and he wouldn't take me back till I said yes. I figured he was a bright guy and would come to his senses eventually. He got me back to school. Eventually he realized that coercion is not a good proposal strategy.
June’s Very Own 3 years ago
I’m glad that he let you go and learned his lesson that it wasn’t gonna work. Always good to see character development by the end of the posts lol
Hedgeh og 3 years ago
Yeah, yikes. This guy needed to wise up or risk becoming a psychopath. Coercion is not a good strategy for almost ANYTHING.
Load More Replies... #17
A few years back, I was dating this guy. At first, he seemed very kind, sweet and happy. Handsome too. I thought he was a great catch, especially as some toxic friends of mine were lowering my self esteem. A few months after we started dating, he started changing. It was subtle at first, he would stop spending time with me and blaming me for it. Then came the gaslighting and manipulation. He started isolating me from my family, and hurting me when I refused to do things for him. Eventually, I got the strength to deal with the situation and tell him that we were over. To get me to stay, he hosted a large party with lots of friends and publicly asked me to marry him. I said no.
Hobby Hopper 3 years ago
I hope it "showed him" and that he learned his lesson and let it go, but narcissists and sociopaths don't take perceived slights well.
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Pamela Blue 3 years ago
These narcissists won't accept that they can't manipulate someone into doing what they want. It does take a strong person to be able to deny them what they want.
#18
He proposed as a knee-jerk reaction when we were going through a rough patch. It was a pretty inappropriate gesture and I told him no and why it was a no. He wasn't being flippant, just turns out he was scared of where our relationship was going. We ended up working on ourselves and were married five years later.
#19
This is one for me, I have done this twice.
1. We were dating for about 4 years, and were in our early 20s. I felt unsure about our rest-of-life compatibility and suggested we needed to have some serious conversations to work out our plans moving forward after Uni. All of these conversations made me increasingly sure we were incompatible.
Surprise surprise, they made him increasingly sure about the future and he wanted to get married. We were literally doing the deed under a lit Christmas tree at 3am and he asked me to marry him.
I said we weren't ready, bad plan. He still didn't have any idea what that would look like or how we would work out some fairly serious things around our location, jobs, etc.
Eventually I got tired of saying no to a marriage I didn't think would work, and felt pushed and trapped... so I broke up with him. We remain friends; I was a bridesmaid in his wedding a couple years ago. It was the right choice.
2. Only dating very briefly. He proposed in a restaurant, with a terrifyingly large ring, and provided me a pdf copy of his tax return so I could see he would be a good provider.
Everything he did told me he hadn't really ever listened to me or got to know me properly. I said yes in the restaurant, to avoid causing embarrassment, and called it all off afterwards. He turned into an obsessive stalker and I had to get an AVO in the end.
Hedgeh og 3 years ago
I feel like I want to copy and paste on every single public proposal story: DON'T EVER PROPOSE IN PUBLIC. Just don't. Ever. There's not "But what if - ?" DON'T. It's manipulation.
Pamela Blue 3 years ago
Unless, of course, the two of you have discussed it and agreed beforehand.
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ᔑᓵᒷ 𝙹⎓ ᓭ!¡ᔑ↸ᒷᓭ 3 years ago
now, i never married or did the deed, but i'm sure you don't ask for marriage while getting down.
Julia Mckinney 3 years ago
Geez. What a twit! I'm sorry to hear about him being a stalker and hope you're doing better now.
#20
I had a boyfriend cheat on me SO many times. The break up was hard, but then he got activated from the military reserves. I didn’t meet anyone till 2 months before he came back. The whole time I wanted him back, but he and I weren’t really officially together, and I knew he was talking to another girl the whole time he was gone. He came back, and saw the other girl first (he says to break up with her, ya right) and I realized I didn’t like him, thank God! He showed up at my apartment, saw me with my new boyfriend, and proposed in a crying fit. It was horrid. 3 months earlier and I’d have done it, but thank god for the timing of things
#21
I'm just anti marriage in general. When I was pregnant, I guess my boyfriend went into a nervous crisis and decided he better propose in case that's what I truly wanted and was just not saying it. We've actually since then had an unofficial "marriage" ceremony that we created and designed, it was lovely. I often refer to him as my husband and a lot of our family believes we are actually legally married since they attended our "marriage", but nope, it was just a private marriage between me and my boyfriend, the government was not invited.
Mondkatze 3 years ago
Imo it Shows true love and respect, if you Stick together without a marriage Bindung you. But then you have to write down every but of wishes and so, i case you or your so has an accident for example, so you/ your so will be the contacted person and decision maker. At least in Germany you have more duties than rights if You're not married but living together for more than a year.
Daniel Marsh 3 years ago
Lots of misunderstanding of what common-law marriage is. As I mentioned in another post, it has nothing to do with how long a couple has been together. But this relationship, in the handful of states where common-law marriage still exists, may be considered (I don't know enough details) a common-law marriage. Here's the thing: most states no longer recognize common-law marriage. He was probably trying to assure you that he will always be your child's Dad. Marriage would recognize that fact.
Memere 3 years ago (edited)
There are quite a few legal reasons for that marriage certificate, especially when there's a child. If something were to happen to the mother, the father would have absolute rights to the child & it's care if they are legally married. An unmarried father *might* have a huge legal battle if other relatives decide to try & take the child from him. I've seen that happen. There are ways around it, but there can be a lot of red tape & hassle involved in proving parental rights! My son & DIL aren't legally married, & live in a "no common-law marriage" state, but my son's child has his last name, my son is named on the birth certificate & all other documents, so at least his parental rights are somewhat protected.
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Stannous Flouride 3 years ago
It's a common law marriage that is every bit as legal and binding in many states as any other and either one could claim it was in the event of death, illness, child custody, or property settlement.
Needmorecowbell 3 years ago
CL marriage is only legal in 8 states in the US.
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whodunnitfan2013 3 years ago
Ah! A commitment ceremony! I may consider having one of those someday, since I'm marriagefree.
D20 Games 3 years ago
Some states do not have common law. Look up the statue in an individual state to learn about the time limits.
Needmorecowbell 3 years ago
Only 8 states in the US recognize CL marriages.
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I said no when I wasn’t quite proposed to.
The first year I was with my ex, I went to Christmas at his family’s place. We’d been together close to a year, and we’d had a lot of problems already. 3 months prior to this, I had nearly broken up with him, but we “worked it out.” *Cue massive eyeroll*
His family had this weird tradition, where they watched each person individually open each gift while the rest watched on. I thought I was done opening gifts, and was chatting with his mom on my right, when she motioned for me to look to my left.
There was my boyfriend, down on one knee, holding a small jewelry box, and smiling. I didn’t wait for him to say anything, I just said, “No! Please excuse me,” and ran out of the house. His BIL later told me all the color drained out of my face, and I looked at my ex with “abject terror.”
Anyway, he followed me out of the house, and explained that what he was holding wasn’t an engagement ring, but a Diamond necklace. He convinced me to come back inside and his family was nice, but there was definitely tension for the rest of the night.
We ended up staying together for 2 more years, and actually *did* get engaged later on, but it was an incredibly poor decision, and I’m very relieved that I did not actually marry him.
The Starsong Princess 3 years ago
There’s nothing weird about opening Christmas gifts one at a time. It allows everyone to participate and gives them a chance to thank the giver. No frenzy. My niece and nephew have always done it that way with the family and they are a delight to give gifts to.
Hazel Sage 3 years ago
Oh, thank god! I read “weird tradition” and went “But wait, we do that! It’s way more fun that way! Is it really that bad??” Maybe OP had never encountered this tradition outside of her ex’s family.
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#23
I was literally breaking up with him because he was abusive, manipulative, and our life goals did not match up (i wanted to get married and maybe have children and he didn't). I had packed up most of my things while he was at work and when he got home, we had the long-awaited conversation and he pulls out a taco bell hot sauce packet that said "marry me" on it. When I told him absolutely not, he then grabs the keys to his shotgun cable lock along with the ammo and hands them to me and says "take this, cause I can't be trusted with it." Implying he was going to kill himself. This was about 5 or six months after my dad had committed suicide.
Celtic Pirate Queen 3 years ago (edited)
I was married (briefly) to a guy with Bipolar disorder and when he got mad at me, generally for pointing out something stupid he did, he'd stop taking his medication to "teach me a lesson" ??? Threatened suicide one night. I got the extra show curtain liner out and spread it out on the floor of the spare room. I told him to try not to get blood on the floor or walls. Then I walked out and closed the door behind me. Sure, I was nervous that he might actually go through with it, but figured probably not. I kicked him out before we even got to our first anniversary. F*cker stalked and harassed me for almost a year, even AFTER my new boyfriend had moved in. He ended up doing jail time for leaving a message ON MY ANSWERING MACHINE that he was going to kill me and my 2 kids.
PixelShroom 3 years ago
Sorry of happened to me. I started dating a guy my now ex bff didn't really like. She kept saying she would kill herself if we didn't break up. She kept saying i was the only reason she didn't kill herself. This was only a week after i stamped suicide. I currently hate her.
#24
My then boyfriend wanted to marry me because of how much money I would eventually make; upon getting into my field.
He then wanted to share a cell phone bill, rent an apartment, and be a stay at home dad. While trying to convince me to have sex with him, without a condom. All while having anger issues, and almost hitting me twice. This isn’t even half of what went on.
🚩We dated for three months... 🚩 I left that relationship fast. Thought he was a good person initially before we dated. Which is why I went out with him.
Edit 1: I forgot to add this because I’m on mobile. He wanted all the birthday gift he gave me back. Said he never had money for anything, but, would smoke almost three packs of cigarettes a day.
He would also tell try to condition me into things by stating “we will never go to XYZ.” Or “we will always be poor and never travel.” To “No offense babe, I will never buy you a Diamond ring as I don’t believe in it.” Tried to teach him how to drive, get a better job because he asked me. To helping his family out.
He only wanted to continue wilting as a wallflower, and complain about his circumstances rather than grow.
Chich 3 years ago
Sounds almost like a friend of mine. Was with a guy who almost conned her into something like this. He was staying at home because he was an 'artist ' (never really did anything) and she had to go out and work. Finally woke up one day when she came home after a tought day at work and he had called his buddies over for an all day party - that she realised she was paying for.
whodunnitfan2013 3 years ago
Sounds like he was using reproductive coercion to get her pregnant.
#25
I loved him, If he asked me to get married 3 days before I would've said yes, BUT I received a message 2 days before the proposal from someone telling me that he was part of a gang, with proof and everything.
Allison B 3 years ago
Lol. I was just thinking the same thing. Ofc there's a huge difference between that and real life. Glad OP knew that and didn't accept.
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Leeds Lass 3 years ago
That's a Leeds postcode - wonder if it's an LUFC thing? (Leeds United Football Club)
#26
Was 18 and had just graduated high school when the guy I dated on and off since sophomore year texted me that he wanted to marry me. Assumed it was just a flirt thing people do but he wasn't joking and called me, telling me if we got married we could get money for college from the state (not sure if that's even true?) and go ahead and have kids that same year so we could have our parents insurance (again, not sure if that's how that works either!).
It blew my mind because he was so serious about it. He said, "let's go pick out a ring and have dinner." I asked why would he ask to marry me without a ring, he said because he wasn't "wasting his time" trying to find something when I could do it myself. Oh, and we needed to go half and half on my ring. 🤔
I turned him down obviously and we argued for a week straight then broke up for good. Met my soon to be husband two months later. The ex ended up dating my friends little sister who was in high school (he was 19, she was 17) and did the same thing to her. Not sure how that's going for them
#27
My ex Andrew asked three times. Each time was during a rough patch of our relationship and was his way of trying to “fix” things. I told him no each time because when I get married, I want to get married because I care about someone and want to share my life adventure with them, not as a bandage to a problem. I’ve seen what happens when two people get married for the wrong reasons and it never ends well. Well Andrew didn’t like that and told me I wasted his and broke up with me.
It’s a bit of a relief as now nearly a year later I’ve meet someone who is absolutely amazing that I click with really well and has similar life goals named Chris. Chris has been respectful of my decision to not make our relationship official just yet so that already speaks volumes about how things will go if we reach the point of considering getting married.
Vasha 3 years ago
As first glance I thought sculpture was a samuri committing hara-kiri
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#28
I think I always knew he wasn’t husband material even though I wanted our family to stay together. He proposed 4 times with me saying no each time. I agreed to come back after he broke up with me for getting pregnant so that he could have the opportunity to be a father, but deep down I think I just knew he really was never going to be dad of the year 🤷♀️ and now our child is 14 and he married the LOHL who made him choose between her and our child and as of January he is no longer involved in any aspect of her life.
#29
He went to see a movie with a friend, and he forgot to hit "send" on the text that would've informed that he was just going to be out really late and was not, in fact, dead or something. (I had some serious anxiety back then.)
I had to work at 5am, and he didn't come home until around 4. Apparently he'd had a very serious discussion with his friend, and he'd decided that he wanted to marry me. So he asked me. Right then, at 4am, an hour before I had to be at work, and after I'd spent several hours laying awake thinking of all the horrible ways he could've died. (Anxiety is a b***h, okay?)
In retrospect, I get the sentiment, but it was a really dumb time for a proposal, so I told him to go f**k himself.
Eventually I did say yes, but that's another story.
#30
A friend from high school whom I had known for about a year proposed to me while I was in my first semester of college. The proposal was made over the phone, long distance (this was in the late 1960's). I never saw him as more than a great friend. My Mom thought he was really great which was nice but, no reason to basis a marriage. He really was a nice guy and we had fun together but, I was not "in love" with him.
A few years ago I found out that he died of cancer in the mid 1980's and I was sorry to learn of his death. We did not keep in touch and I only saw him once after the proposal and he had married a lovely woman who I thought suited him. Seems I was wrong as she divorced him at some point.
Carolee Samuda 3 years ago
Maybe he was in love with OP and did not get over her even after marriage. Them divorcing does not mean that he wasn't a nice guy or good husband.
#31
My mom said no to my dad the first time. He'd decided that he wanted to spend his life with her and wanted that to start asap. Still, they'd been dating less than a year and she was very nervous about rushing into things, even though they were madly in love. After a few days of continued discussion, she came around to his point of view (i.e. if we're talking about starting a family, why bother postponing the legalities?) So they got married 6 weeks later and here we all are after 33 years, with them still madly in love.
#32
A girl I knew discussed engagement with her boyfriend, said he better plan a romantic proposal. He planned a nice meal and popped the ring in the champers. She said no because it wasn’t a unique proposal. They had a running joke, and in fitting with it, he slotted the ring in a boiled egg, to be unique. She said no. Before he had chance to propose again, she cheated on him. When he broke it off, she slept with his brother for revenge.
A true love story.
Memere 3 years ago (edited)
Very much so. He dodged the big one, and I hope he didn't put any blame on his brother!
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#33
Hubby and I met when we were 23. I was getting out of an abusive relationship and he was getting out of an abusive marriage. (Yep, I said hubby..my stories a bit different..lol) after about a year of dating he started seriously talking marriage and I was kinda dragging my feet, not bc I didn't love him..it was just so soon after both of our s***ty relationships..Then, a couple months after the initial chat I end up pregnant. Things were good and about 8 months in, a little over a month before I was due, he popped the question and I said no. I still had reservations and being pregnant didn't change that for me, it only made me worry more. But he understood, I kept the ring and wore it in a chain (wed already lived together most of this time) and we started our family, as a couple but unmarried with a kid. When our daughter was 18months old she was our flower girl at our backyard wedding, we've been together since 01, and we have a teenage son now too..so eventually I did say yes..lol
#34
I had a dream that we were getting married and when I woke up I realized it was a nightmare. We hadn’t even slept in bed together for 3 years up until that point, and he cheated on me. I knew he wasn’t in love with me, he even admits now that he was just so scared of being alone.
#35
We’d been together for 4 nearly blissful years, then went long distance for one. A few months prior, when we were long distance, he cheated on me then dumped me for her. He came back, realized he’s made a mistake, asked me to be with him again. I took him back for all the wrong reasons and things were never the same again. So when I went over to finally end it, hopefully on good terms, he pulled out a ring. It just fell flat. I told him it’s all wrong. He said later that he realized the moment he did it, it was the wrong thing to do. He wanted me to keep the ring, which was non-traditional. It’s been 20+ years and I still love him like a favorite childhood cousin, but I’m glad we never married. Second one: happened the same day. While BF and I were broken up, I got with someone I had been ignoring an attraction toward for years (D). We had an intense little love affair while backpacking through S. America. But I realized he wasn’t the one while he realized he wanted to marry me. We split up at the end of our trip and the wrong reason I got back with ex bf was to keep myself from having sex with D. I would be faithful, and my attraction to him was dangerous otherwise. There were other, better reasons for getting back with ex, too, but this was a factor. After I broke up with ex that day, I went to a friend’s house and D was there. He asked me to go for a walk with him and asked me to marry him. Spontaneously, seriously, said he couldn’t imagine a life without me. I said no, we’re just not right for each other. He laid on a massive guilt trip which was another clue that I shouldn’t be with him. I never saw him again after that.
#36
I was pregnant at the time, and he was being pressured by his family and friends to propose to me. We never really talked about marriage, but he was adamant. He proposed at a Gold Star Chili in front of the wait staff and customers (with my mothers gold ring that she gave me years before that he took off my finger). As he was kneeling I whispered under my breath to 'get the hell up', but I kept up the facade until we were out of the restaurant. I told him it's not gonna happen and why did he think that was a good idea. He had been cheating on me, and I was on the way out and everybody knew it, so this was like his last ditch effort, I suppose. He then decided a month or so later to purchase a $1500.00 ring with his Grandma's money and give it to me on Christmas. I have no idea what he was thinking because I made it very clear I was only staying to try and save the relationship, and marriage was definitely not on the table at the time. I realized he was only in it for the comfort and not the responsibility.
#37
One ex always proposed when we were fighting and I was about to leave. Some times literally mid yelling would just drop to one knee. I always said "no. I don't want a proposal to end a fight. I want it to be special"
#38
We were both 18 and still in high school. It was around 10 months into our relationship. I broke up with him. I get an urgent call from him to “please come over to my house. I need you.” I was legitimately worried at this point. Went to his house. There was a dress on his bed and a note to meet him at the bay. At this point I’m just annoyed and didn’t pick up on it. I drive to the bay and I walk up to him dressed in a suit. I’m so confused at this point. We sit down to talk and he goes into the speech and stands up to kneel. At that moment I realize what’s up. I quickly stand with him and ask him to stop. I didn’t want to ruin this moment for him forever. We just sat there and cried together. He thought that if he made a grand gesture that I would want to get back together. If anything it showed me he would truly do/say anything to get what he wants. It’s was heartbreaking all around.
#39
This would be about 8years ago my ex (we've been together for 4years) and we're at a burger place just having a casual lunch and he starts talking about getting married, he's like why don't we go to the courts right now after we finish eating we can get married today. I ran to the bathroom and threw up I was shaking I think that was the first time I've really felt true anxiety I had realized I had no intentions in wanting to marry this man shortly after I did end things definitely for the best
#40
He asked “Will you marry me?” in a text message at 3AM while I was in the ER with our 2yr old.
#41
We were looking at houses, and I had a panic attack whilst he was checking out the bedrooms. And I realised he was the worst person to live with. He had incredible temper tantrums, that he had threatened to hit our future children (if they touched his Dr. Who collection), but no one knew and thought he was perfect for me.
#42
We've been together 14 years, he proposed at the 7 year mark. Nothing wrong with the proposal, was on a trip, very romantic and special. It wasn't a "kneel down" kinda proposal, more "I want to spend the rest of my life with you". He knew at the time I was against marriage until gay marriage was legal in my country, which it was around 2 years later. And by that point we'd been together nearly 10 years. Currently I don't feel a big need because 1) legally, tax wise, medically, we have the same rights as married couples 2) I don't need the government to legitimize my relationship 3) weddings are expensive, I'd prefer to go on holiday 4) my friends are already married so all the weddings have been done. Beach wedding, farm wedding, Church wedding, Zoo wedding... 5) happy with my surname At times I feel like maybe I missed out, maybe I do want the dress and photos... But then I think I could backpack Eastern Europe for a year on that money and ignore those impulses...
whodunnitfan2013 3 years ago
You could have a commitment ceremony, which is like the wedding without the marriage.
#43
I found out I had been the side chick for the five months we had been together, and he thought that offering to marry me would magically erase the hurt and lies. Then he stalked me for a while, and ended up in jail after stalking another girl. I've also said yes to a guy who proposed around 10 times before he wore me down. I later dumped him when the thought of meeting him at the altar made me shudder. And I've said no to a guy who later ended up being father to my two children, and now refuses to marry me because he "doesn't believe in marriage"... I should have married him when I had the chance.
#44
I was in a relationship where I had made it clear early on that I planned on getting married at some point in my life and had no interest in long-term dating someone I didn't think I would get married to. My partner was undecided over whether they wanted to get married in general. Around the 1 year mark I told them that they really needed to reflect on it and I wanted to discuss it after around our 2 year anniversary. 2 years roles around and they said they hadn't thought about it and still didn't know. After a few more months of asking them to reflect and them basically refusing I decided to break up with them - there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married, but our lifetime goals were clearly incompatible. Anyhow, after I broke up with them they called me in a frenzy and proposed by telling me to, "Just pick out any ring let's do this." I said no. Nothing good could come out of marrying someone who felt like I forced their hand with a breakup.
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What do you think ?
Alex 3 years ago
We were in his mom's car waiting for friends to arrive for an event. He was saying how we would be great together and how we should get married. His mom was pressuring me to say I'd marry him. They said we didn't even have to kiss. I said I didn't want to. Once all his guy friends were there he told everyone I had agreed to marry him. I quickly said "No I didn't!" All his friends laughed at him and I could tell he was hurt. We were 7 years old and on the way to a field trip.
lenka 3 years ago (edited)
I've turned down two proposals. The first was my high school sweetheart and first love. We were together during high school and for the a few years after. I graduated very young (16) and went on to Uni and lived alone and independently (working my a**e off to do so) so it probably seemed like we were much older and more ready than I felt we were. When I turned 18 (he was 20) he proposed. He was a wonderful, kind thoughtful guy and I loved him but I wasn't ready for marriage. Shortly after that I actually realized that although I loved him, I didn't want the same future he did and we broke up. It was heart breaking for us both but the right decision. The second time I had been casually dating a guy for about 2 months. I was starting to have my doubts about him. We met up for lunch and I was planning to break up with him, but before I could he proposed! It was shocking and weird and I noped outa there faster than you can say I dont. I said yes to the third guy who proposed and have been happily married for years.
Lyone Fein 3 years ago
I don't understand all the break up proposals. Like, if someone is going to end the relationship, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?
PixelShroom 3 years ago
My ex had proposed to me in public. At an airport. Seemed off. I said yes in public. People clapped. It was stupid. Told him no in private. He immiadietly started beating me. Went to jail two days later. Tbh i don't thinki ever want to date again. This was almost seven years ago.
Sara Curlee 3 years ago
My abusive boyfriend had always told me I wasn’t ‘marriage material’. He had a laundry list of things I had to change about myself before he’d consider it. After two children together 17 months apart (I wasn’t allowed birth control), he handed me my dream ring and said that if I thought he would ever take responsibility for the issues in our relationship I should put myself in therapy. I left the ring on the counter and left him.
Alex 3 years ago
We were in his mom's car waiting for friends to arrive for an event. He was saying how we would be great together and how we should get married. His mom was pressuring me to say I'd marry him. They said we didn't even have to kiss. I said I didn't want to. Once all his guy friends were there he told everyone I had agreed to marry him. I quickly said "No I didn't!" All his friends laughed at him and I could tell he was hurt. We were 7 years old and on the way to a field trip.
lenka 3 years ago (edited)
I've turned down two proposals. The first was my high school sweetheart and first love. We were together during high school and for the a few years after. I graduated very young (16) and went on to Uni and lived alone and independently (working my a**e off to do so) so it probably seemed like we were much older and more ready than I felt we were. When I turned 18 (he was 20) he proposed. He was a wonderful, kind thoughtful guy and I loved him but I wasn't ready for marriage. Shortly after that I actually realized that although I loved him, I didn't want the same future he did and we broke up. It was heart breaking for us both but the right decision. The second time I had been casually dating a guy for about 2 months. I was starting to have my doubts about him. We met up for lunch and I was planning to break up with him, but before I could he proposed! It was shocking and weird and I noped outa there faster than you can say I dont. I said yes to the third guy who proposed and have been happily married for years.
Lyone Fein 3 years ago
I don't understand all the break up proposals. Like, if someone is going to end the relationship, what makes you think they'd want to marry you?
PixelShroom 3 years ago
My ex had proposed to me in public. At an airport. Seemed off. I said yes in public. People clapped. It was stupid. Told him no in private. He immiadietly started beating me. Went to jail two days later. Tbh i don't thinki ever want to date again. This was almost seven years ago.
Sara Curlee 3 years ago
My abusive boyfriend had always told me I wasn’t ‘marriage material’. He had a laundry list of things I had to change about myself before he’d consider it. After two children together 17 months apart (I wasn’t allowed birth control), he handed me my dream ring and said that if I thought he would ever take responsibility for the issues in our relationship I should put myself in therapy. I left the ring on the counter and left him.
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