Person Writes A Check As A Refund For What Their Parents ‘Wasted’ On Them, Then Kicks Them Out
Maintaining a good relationship with your parents when you’re an adult can be tricky. Parents say they want the best for their children, but sometimes they can cross boundaries without realizing it. And, before you know it, you act in the heat of the moment and let them know how you truly feel about their controlling behavior.
Something similar happened to the OP here. The user u/Short_Fig7734 shared a story of how they dealt with constant criticism from their parents. One fateful birthday dinner was the breaking point for OP, the self-proclaimed ‘nepo kid.’ They decided to literally pay back the parents for all their hard work and investment.
Some parents might feel entitled to give unsolicited advice to their children because they gave them a financially sound life
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages / envato (not the actual photo)
This person decided to get even with their parents after hearing constant criticism by writing them a fat check
Image credits: voronaman111 / envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Short_Fig7734
Parents’ controlling behavior can be the cause of low self-esteem and social anxiety
Image credits: Keenan Constance / pexels (not the actual photo)
When you’re a kid, your parents can do no wrong. You trust them to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong and to guide you through life’s tough decisions. They’re like an omnipotent, omnipresent being in our lives that we look to for advice.
Parents always say they want the best for us, but that can often manifest in ways we don’t particularly like. They might critique our career choices, our partners, our living situation, and even our own abilities as parents. Psychologists say that parents who are critical of their children start doing it in their children’s childhood.
Researchers have found that kids with parents who pressured them with high expectations in their teenage years might grow up to be perfectionists. That applies not only to achievements in academic and professional life. It also means that instead of setting goals for yourself so you can take pride in your success, you may do it out of fear of inadequacy.
Psychotherapist Heather Garbutt told Stylist that it’s rarely about you. “It’s about their way of being rather than anything to do with you,” she explained. Psychologist Gwen Randall-Young writes that parents might believe that even their adult children still need parenting. “They may feel that because you are their child, that gives them the right to take you to task for all variety of things.”
It might come from a good place, but it results in low self-esteem, social anxiety, and defensiveness. It can also strongly impact our own adult relationships. And, of course, there are those adult children who strive to please their parents no matter what. The catch? It’s futile because those kinds of parents will most likely never be pleased.
Adult children should set clear boundaries with their overbearing parents
Image credits: SHVETS production / pexels (not the actual photo)
Because critical comments from parents can greatly impact us as adults, what can we do to make them stop? Psychology experts advise communicating as a first step. It’s important to let them know you understand they’re doing this out of love.
However, you have to make them understand that their behavior is making you feel bad. Licensed counselor Emily Griffin suggests saying, “Please do not make comments about my parenting, career, financial situation, etc.” or “Please ask me if I want feedback before giving it.”
If communicating your needs doesn’t work, most professionals recommend setting clear boundaries. “Developing personal boundaries about how much negativity to absorb is self-protective and allows the adult child to exercise their personal power and control,” licensed professional counselor Elizabeth Brokamp writes.
You can set boundaries with parents by letting them know what will happen if they continue their behavior. One example can be saying “If you make another critical comment about my career choices again, I am going to leave.”
It’s important to enforce this set boundary and follow through. If they still continue to make critical remarks and we do nothing, we let them know in a non-verbal way that we’re okay with such behavior.
“If you have critical parents, they may not be the best sources of guidance or support at a time of challenge. If you want guidance or advice, it’s easier when it is not wrapped in a critical bow,” clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula writes.
The majority of commenters believed the OP was not the jerk
Others said ‘YTA’ and called for better communication on OP’s part
And some netizens thought that everyone here could do better
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I'm a parent; my son now has his own apartment and life. I wouldn't dream of telling him his sofa is a questionable colour when he proudly shows it to me. When he asks me whether he should set up his bedroom this way of that, I point out the positives and negatives of available options, I don't tell him what to do. OP's parents should keep their opinions to themselves unless asked. Let your child be their own person and take a backseat for heaven's sake! Just because you're parents doesn't entitle you to a lifetime of unsolicited interference. Let him grow and be proud of him, but silently. By claiming his success as yours you're diminishing your own child.
What always bothers me about this kind of story isn't so much the tit-for-tat behaviour (which tells you a lot about the family in itself), it's that the OP chooses to publicise it on social media. It's all a bit 'look at me shaming my own family, aren't I clever?' I just think a 'successful' 30yo should be able to have a calm, assertive conversation.
What makes you think parents haven't been telling their friends about how successful op is because of all they did for op?
Load More Replies...
I am not excusing the parents behavior, but as the parent of two adults I would like to mention that when they were children I would never have dreamed that one of the most difficult things about being a parent is to keep my opinions to myself after they are grown and on their own. I think I'm mostly successful at it, but it's difficult. Again, I'm not excusing the parents. Offering advice, even when it isn't asked for, is different from criticizing choices made by someone.
F**k them YTAs and EShs ... they're assuming he hasn't, already, had that conversation with them with words falling on deaf ears ... if they didn't get the point when he mentioned anything, they certainly got the point now ...
They're not assuming, they're noticing OP conspicuously left out a conversation that, had it occurred, would be very relevant to the story. You, though, seem to be assuming that a conversation, that was never mentioned by OP, did occur.
Load More Replies... 
Not a single one of us asked to be born, and I have never heard a reason to have children that rings true to me. The best a parent can do is to build their baby into a functional and independent adult. A parent who has their child's future all planned out doesn't care about the child's independence or free will, and may as well be playing with dolls. And for better or worse, your child's adulthood is largely a product of your parenting, so if your kid didn't turn out the way you wanted, whose fault is that?
I always try to guide my stepkids and daughter with their choices... but only if they ask my opinion. Many times, I just say "Do what you think is best." But if I really think it's a bad idea or could go really wrong, I say my suggestion and they can do as they will. What I want for them isn't necessarily what they want for themselves, and I have to respect that.
ESH From an older generation, I agree your parents are a bit difficult to deal with. And you maybe successful in 'work life' to have the money to pay them back, but will this moment give you happy memories when you are attending their funerals? You had a score of alternative methods you could have with maturity made. How about sitting them down as adults and talk to them. Stating your feelings like an adult rather than the childish response you chose. Would that everyone had perfect parents, perfect families . . . Oh but this column wouldn't exist now would it? So now you're without parents. . . Good for you. OP before patting yourself on your back, reread the first couple paragraphs of your post again, especially 'where would I be without all they did for me?' Ever thought of telling them thank you?
Re “You don’t owe them anything! You didn’t ask to be born!” And “Life is fair!” . And “The world owes you a living!” Etc etc so on and so forth. It’s not a matter of money. It isn’t even a matter of love. I’m no Bible-thumper, but I think “Honor thy mother and thy father” is spot-on.
I think it’s interesting how often this kind of issue comes up with young adult children. I’m less inclined to believe that anyone is an AH; more like “this is a major and sometimes traumatic milestone that many parents and their children experience as they mature”. In general, a child is born, the family feeds and clothes and educates the child, and as parent-child dynamics become established over the course of years, a certain amount of criticism becomes a ‘norm’ that is very difficult to change. I think that a lot of parents are simply blind to the pressure that is building up inside of the child - until it is suddenly released. I was 30yo (with 2 college degrees and a very good job) myself before I’d “Had Enough”. While it was good in the long term, it was scary. I didn’t want to *lose* my parents; I just wanted them to lighten up and respect my right to make decisions for myself. That said: I think writing a check was something of an AH move. There are better ways to handle it.
OP is a HUGE A. First he admits that he is where he is specifically because of his parents help (interference) then when they express their concern he has a 2 year old temper tantrum. He doesn't specify how exactly he lives, only that because he lives this way he is able to save. Ok, but parents always want MORE for their children. OP should have just had a discussion about his plans for the future and how living this way (whatever that actually means) is ok with him and helping him plan better for his future. Seriously OP needs to grow tf up. Just making bank doesn't make you an adult and he wouldn't even be where he is without his parent's help.
The ESH commenter about the silver platter has this right. This is a self-described nepo kid who took what was given and didn't go further. And the parents' coddling seems to have deprived OP of maturity, both in agency and in communication. I wonder what dollar value OP put on having a great childhood and a primo job connection straight out of school. "They criticize me even though I'm not a drug addict" is a pretty low bar.
I'm a parent; my son now has his own apartment and life. I wouldn't dream of telling him his sofa is a questionable colour when he proudly shows it to me. When he asks me whether he should set up his bedroom this way of that, I point out the positives and negatives of available options, I don't tell him what to do. OP's parents should keep their opinions to themselves unless asked. Let your child be their own person and take a backseat for heaven's sake! Just because you're parents doesn't entitle you to a lifetime of unsolicited interference. Let him grow and be proud of him, but silently. By claiming his success as yours you're diminishing your own child.
What always bothers me about this kind of story isn't so much the tit-for-tat behaviour (which tells you a lot about the family in itself), it's that the OP chooses to publicise it on social media. It's all a bit 'look at me shaming my own family, aren't I clever?' I just think a 'successful' 30yo should be able to have a calm, assertive conversation.
What makes you think parents haven't been telling their friends about how successful op is because of all they did for op?
Load More Replies... I am not excusing the parents behavior, but as the parent of two adults I would like to mention that when they were children I would never have dreamed that one of the most difficult things about being a parent is to keep my opinions to myself after they are grown and on their own. I think I'm mostly successful at it, but it's difficult. Again, I'm not excusing the parents. Offering advice, even when it isn't asked for, is different from criticizing choices made by someone.
F**k them YTAs and EShs ... they're assuming he hasn't, already, had that conversation with them with words falling on deaf ears ... if they didn't get the point when he mentioned anything, they certainly got the point now ...
They're not assuming, they're noticing OP conspicuously left out a conversation that, had it occurred, would be very relevant to the story. You, though, seem to be assuming that a conversation, that was never mentioned by OP, did occur.
Load More Replies... Not a single one of us asked to be born, and I have never heard a reason to have children that rings true to me. The best a parent can do is to build their baby into a functional and independent adult. A parent who has their child's future all planned out doesn't care about the child's independence or free will, and may as well be playing with dolls. And for better or worse, your child's adulthood is largely a product of your parenting, so if your kid didn't turn out the way you wanted, whose fault is that?
I always try to guide my stepkids and daughter with their choices... but only if they ask my opinion. Many times, I just say "Do what you think is best." But if I really think it's a bad idea or could go really wrong, I say my suggestion and they can do as they will. What I want for them isn't necessarily what they want for themselves, and I have to respect that.
ESH From an older generation, I agree your parents are a bit difficult to deal with. And you maybe successful in 'work life' to have the money to pay them back, but will this moment give you happy memories when you are attending their funerals? You had a score of alternative methods you could have with maturity made. How about sitting them down as adults and talk to them. Stating your feelings like an adult rather than the childish response you chose. Would that everyone had perfect parents, perfect families . . . Oh but this column wouldn't exist now would it? So now you're without parents. . . Good for you. OP before patting yourself on your back, reread the first couple paragraphs of your post again, especially 'where would I be without all they did for me?' Ever thought of telling them thank you?
Re “You don’t owe them anything! You didn’t ask to be born!” And “Life is fair!” . And “The world owes you a living!” Etc etc so on and so forth. It’s not a matter of money. It isn’t even a matter of love. I’m no Bible-thumper, but I think “Honor thy mother and thy father” is spot-on.
I think it’s interesting how often this kind of issue comes up with young adult children. I’m less inclined to believe that anyone is an AH; more like “this is a major and sometimes traumatic milestone that many parents and their children experience as they mature”. In general, a child is born, the family feeds and clothes and educates the child, and as parent-child dynamics become established over the course of years, a certain amount of criticism becomes a ‘norm’ that is very difficult to change. I think that a lot of parents are simply blind to the pressure that is building up inside of the child - until it is suddenly released. I was 30yo (with 2 college degrees and a very good job) myself before I’d “Had Enough”. While it was good in the long term, it was scary. I didn’t want to *lose* my parents; I just wanted them to lighten up and respect my right to make decisions for myself. That said: I think writing a check was something of an AH move. There are better ways to handle it.
OP is a HUGE A. First he admits that he is where he is specifically because of his parents help (interference) then when they express their concern he has a 2 year old temper tantrum. He doesn't specify how exactly he lives, only that because he lives this way he is able to save. Ok, but parents always want MORE for their children. OP should have just had a discussion about his plans for the future and how living this way (whatever that actually means) is ok with him and helping him plan better for his future. Seriously OP needs to grow tf up. Just making bank doesn't make you an adult and he wouldn't even be where he is without his parent's help.
The ESH commenter about the silver platter has this right. This is a self-described nepo kid who took what was given and didn't go further. And the parents' coddling seems to have deprived OP of maturity, both in agency and in communication. I wonder what dollar value OP put on having a great childhood and a primo job connection straight out of school. "They criticize me even though I'm not a drug addict" is a pretty low bar.
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