Humans are complex creatures. Some are like an open book, but there are also those whose personalities you won’t crack for months, if not years.
When it comes to narrow-minded, rude, and selfish people, usually, it’s all pretty noticeable at first sight – however, circling back to the whole “hidden characteristics” malarkey, some do an outstanding job masking their jerky selves. So, wouldn’t it be great to know the subtle signs that can help you identify the type of people that shouldn’t be a part of your life?
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Halfway through the grocery store, in the middle of the rice aisle, or somewhere equally warm, they suddenly decide they don't need the frozen / refrigerated item in their cart after all, and rather than returning it to where they found it, they instead choose to just leave it on the shelf. There is nothing preventing them from putting it back in the cooler / freezer, but they're actively making the choice to allow fish, raw meat, milk / ice cream, or whatever else to sit in the open air, and spoil.
The Waiter Test. The person who is nice to you but isn't nice to the waiter isn't nice person. This also applies to cashiers, counter help, hotel clerks, custodians, security guards and everyone else in similar positions.
HOWEVER, don't apply the waiter test the first time you meet someone. Wait until they've been around you a few times and are comfortable in their skin around you. The first few times they are on their best behavior.
You can judge the character of a person by how they treat someone who can do nothing for them. I've never found this to fail.
Every time you interact with them, you feel worse than before.
I had a SUPER toxic “friend” in 6th grade. Classic queen bee, told dirty jokes, talked s**t to and about everyone, never supported anyone… and you loved her anyways at the time. I’m so glad she’s gone now.
Never saying sorry. We are people. We make mistakes. And even if we didn't mean to, our words and behavior can hurt other people's feeling. Just say sorry and move on, it's not a big deal. But if someone is refusing to do so, it is a red flag to me.
I've heard, "I don't say I'm sorry unless I think I was wrong!" Not the best approach, there
when they promote toxic positivity. like the people that go "what are you depressed for? you're alive, you get to see the earth with your eyes." when you actually need professional help. one of my exes used to be like this, he would dismiss me everytime i told him that i might need to visit a therapist. he would tell me how being born and getting to live is a reason enough to not be depressed. after our breakup, i heard he used to and still promotes that therapy is useless. f**k you, i'm way better now that i took my anti depressants
When they talk s**t behind everyone's back but have what I like to call a sticky sweet personality to their face. I know some people like that
I have a perfect example. An older guy with whom I shared office space. The kind that says, "oh by the way, what happened to that girl you were dating..." and then uses your response to gossip. I'm getting a kick out of ignoring his emails and phone calls. Loser.
When they regularly make negative comments and claim it's just a joke or criticism. Usually about the way you dress, talk, etc.
Sitting in someone else’s seat before a flight hoping it’s empty and then trying to convince you switch seats with them. Lady I’m 6’5 and paid extra for this aisle seat I’m not sitting in the middle.
One advantage to being big and ugly, no one ever tries this with me. I usually don't even have to say anything, just exist and people scramble to get out of my way.
I’m a man but anyone who pressures you to take a condom off sucks. They don’t respect you and are light weight creepy. Keep that s**t wrapped up boys and girls don’t let anyone tell you what is and isn’t comfortable. Yes it is way worse with a condom on but if thems the rules that’s the rules.
Way worse is a bit of a stretch. That's like saying vanilla ice cream is way worse than chocolate. It may not be quite as good, but you're still eating ice cream.
When they make everything about them.
An ex best friend and I used to work together, and used to car pool. I got made redundant and was so upset. I rang her to tell her the news, looking for comfort, and she said: ‘How am I supposed to get into work now?’
Should have walked then…it would have saved a lot of stress.
Edit: Guys, she was not neurodivergent, just an a*****e. I am riddled head to toe with ADHD, so I understand that sometimes our brains react a little differently.
We were friends for 7 years and it took me a long time to realise that all she cared about was herself. She used to break into my phone and read my messages, she read my diary, she would ghost me for days but kick off when I wasn’t available to see her…she even slept with my ex bf. The saddest part is that the friendship only fell apart when I gained self-respect and set some boundaries. She was a narcissist.
I know you have great intentions, but stop adding imaginary context when I am telling you this person was an almighty a*****e.
You feel the need to be careful with how and what you say to them because they'll twist words to make you sound like the bad guy. Too many "misunderstandings" can make you extremely conscious of yourself and make you walk on eggshells
When they’re always the victim in conflicts with friends, coworkers, etc.
They're all conspiring to eat lunch while I'm on a phone call and can't join them!
They say you’re wrong for getting upset at their wrong behavior.
They are very concerned with making sure you know they're a good person.
If they disrespect people's boundaries, no matter how small or simple they are.
Unless they’re a cat. Then you suck it up and let your master do as they please :3
If they constantly use their trauma as an excuse for everything bad they're doing. Also, using trauma for guilt triping when they want to get something.
There is a limited number of times or length of time in which you can play that card. At some point, you've got to accept it and stop making your life, and everyone else's life, about your trauma.
If someone makes fun of someone smiles or laughter. My mom used to tell me how werid my smile was and say it was annoying when I laughed it's a s****y thing to do.
Edit: thanks everyone for the support and I'm sorry to hear some of your stories. I also want to mention that there's a difference between disliking someone's laughter and making fun of it, I've personally heard laughs that I've thought were a bit strange but that thought stays in my head were belongs were it can only effect me.
How horrible! Seeing someone smile or hearing someone laugh is the best thing, smiling makes people even more beautiful, and laughter usually gets me laughing, too.
Constant interruption of anything you say or do.
I just don't understand how speech works and keep thinking that pauses in people's talking means they're done so I can respond. My entire family thinks I'm just rude but I genuinely have no idea how to communicate with people
I live in Los Angeles so this happens a lot but basically whenever you talk to somebody, and it’s all about them all the time. You give your point of view or interject something about yourself and they immediately dismiss it and go back to them.
My sibling is like this- if I feel sick she’s suddenly sick too. If I’m sad she suddenly is super upset and needs to vent. It rlly pisses me off
Commenting on someone’s eating habits or laughing even to yourself when someone says something serious
As a person with an eating disorder, I feel like I am hyper aware about commenting on what and how people eat. If I say anything, I usually preface that it's a health concern, like warning my mate when he is eating too much of what I know will land him in the bathroom later.
When they apologize during a conflict, they get angry if that doesn't immediately end the conflict because they never truly felt sorry and their only goal was to escape repercussion. This will become evident when the behavior they had apologized for keeps happening and never improves.
signed, someone who has been on both sides of this equation
This is true, but often I'll apologize in an argument because I just hate arguing and want to stop. It's always super minor stuff and I'd never try to ignore a real problem, but arguing stresses me out
They are dismissive of people who can do nothing for them
When I was getting my masters degree in composition, there was a soprano in my class who always side-eyed me and wouldn't even speak to me... Until I wrote a series of songs for a baritone in our class. She turned honey sweet overnight, wheedling me to write for her. I just ignored her.
My Ex slowly lost all of her friends over-time. She'd make new ones and then somehow burn those bridges too.
She also used to gossip and talk s**t about everyone she knew, including me. At least one friend who I never met thought I was scum because of what she said about me
They don't understand the importance of Parity in a relationship. You can't always take and never give.
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
This means nothing without context. This could very well be an appropriate response in some situations.
They put other people down as a 'way to show their affection'. I loved a girl who did that, and she turned out to be a stone cold a*****e, and a narcissist
As a (mostly) reformed bad person who was raised by non-reformed bad people…
- they say whatever you want to hear on most occasions
- they genuinely show very little concern for your well being - to the point where you feel your emotions are an after thought
- there’s a double standard in the relationship (they can do things you can’t)
- you’ve caught them doing something really s****y but only once or twice so you forgive them
- they genuinely don’t notice when they do something harmful
- you find you’re always doing what they want to do
- you get promises of changed behavior, like a lot, but rarely see any change
- you feel insecure around them, like you’re always vying for their approval
- they have a past (which hey we all do, but it can not be a great sign sometimes)
- they TELL YOU (I have told many folks hey, I’m a bad person, and they’re like oh no I don’t believe you…)
- people warn you about them
- people tell you to get away from them
- their apologies are very half hearted and designed to end the conflict, they don’t understand why you can’t let things go but they don’t have to
- they make you feel bad about some fundamental part of your identity or who you are - you’re always aware of how you could be different or better in their eyes
- they disappear and come back
- they’re really vague about things that could be unflattering, the way they tell you about their past highlights the good about them or how they were a victim
- they are inconsistent in relationships (moving really fast, then being gone, etc.)
- you catch them in multiple lies
- they talk a LOT of s**t (they 100% talk s**t about you)
- they over compliment (you’re my favorite, etc)
- they’re only around when they need you for something
- no changed behavior after apologies
-excuses instead of apologies
- trying to make you feel bad for them
EDIT Oh and some other ones since this is blowing up:
- generally reckless behavior
- frequently changing friend groups
- uninterested in your life unless it’s drama or something they can use against you
- you find yourself frequently questioning them or yourself (did that really happen? Did I imagine it?)
- your version of anything is rejected in favor of their version
- you feel uneasy around them, but allegedly have no reason to
- they push your boundaries
I can’t stress enough that if they’re bad to other people, they WILL do those things to you. You are not the exception.
One of my favorite quotes is along the lines of if you see a “crazy” ex or something that’s going to be you eventually.
I could go on for a really long time.
That being said, on behalf of all bad people, a lot of it comes from significant trauma. If you can cause people that much pain and not care, usually you couldn’t attach to your caregiver in a normal way so you never learned empathy (my case) or you were taught to fear other people (my case) or you have severe substance use problems (my case) or a personality disorder (me again!!) or severe mental illness (it’s me, it’s just about me). Not all folks who have these things are bad people.
Watch out for people who need to be rescued as well.
The final thing I will say is that if you’re someone who grew up in an abusive environment, you’re usually gonna have an extra hard time on picking up on abuse or you’re gonna be drawn to folks who are abusive because you aren’t used to normal boundaries and it will feel like love because it’s what you know. That can be healed.
I think “they genuinely don’t notice when they do something harmful” can be more subjective. Once, an acquaintance asked for help with opening his locker so my friend and I helped. After we got it open, I asked “do you even know how to open a locker?” I didn’t mean anything harmful and I was going to teach him if he didn’t know how, but my friend told me I was rude later. So I think social cluelessness is an exception.
They tell you things about their other ‘friends’ that they should keep between them, it also means they’re telling your business to someone else
Edit: no, I’m not talking about venting about your own experiences with a person. I mean telling other people personal and intimate details about someone’s life. Or possibly specifically talking s**t about their friends (not smaller complaints but saying awful things about them)
They call everyone else crazy/ portray themselves as never doing anything wrong.
Assuming the worst in others, generally. Doubly so if they use that assumed dog eat dog mentality to justify s****y behaviors. It means deep down, they care about themselves over anyone and anything else, and will act on that in their day to day.
Or, possibly, that they've had a lot of negative experiences in their lives that have made them hyper-cautious. Some people have been surrounded by a lot of bad family/people and people so expecting it becomes a defense mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt. You expect it and when it doesn't happen then you're pleasantly surprised. I was the victim of a violent crime once. It was years ago but I still expect the worst and if it doesn't happen then great but I'll never not go into a situation expecting 'how can this go wrong and let me plan for that now.'
- They have something bad to say about everyone.
- They have to tell you how nice, honest, smart, hardworking, etc they are.
- The second they get upset with someone they’re on a mission to ruin to their life.
Edit: okay I guess the last one isn’t so subtle unless they’re doing in a way where you don’t know it’s them.
They tell small lies. The kind you might pick up on and not mention cause it’s not anything big but when added up they can completely change the context of a situation
"How much did that cost?" "Like, 30 dollars" The receipt says $39.47.
Talking about how all their friends left them or that they were kicked out of multiple friend groups. It keeps happening for a reason.
Honestly, trust your gut. If the person makes you feel uncomfortable, makes you feel unsafe, makes you feel like you can't trust them, trust that instinct. That is a sign.
Edit: Yes, any advice taken in extremis becomes bad advice. If you're anxious, you need to temper your gut. If you're racist or sexist or homophobic, then that pattern is probably very apparent to you, and you're ignoring it.
But it is true of any "subtle sign" that it might be misinterpreted, because you may not know the whole story. You're reading it through your own lens of experience, and requires some critical thinking to be contextualized. Mostly these subtle signs coalesce into a larger picture.
Their username is CII and they think that being pedantic about minor typos and making snarky comments compensates for their total lack of personality.
yeah fr and to think, younger me would have thought ThEy WeRe ThE oNlY sAnE oNe HeRe GoD wHy Is EvErYoNe So StUpId. jeez, that's cringe. hope Cll grows out of it like i did
Load More Replies... They forgot this one: they only contact you when they want something. I get that a lot because I'm really skilled at lots of random stuff. Once a person asks me for their third favour I reply with "Hello MYNAME, how are you, is your life ok?" and they often do not get the sarcasm.
I sometimes fear that I'M the one who's "needy," because I'm unable to reciprocate in kind when my friends help me out. I get a lot of help, being the oldest local member of our church---I'm old enough to be mother and grandmother to everyone else (my own children died too young to have children of their own, so I have no family)---but because of my age, my health issues, the distance I live from everyone else, my very small car, very small income, and just being on a rather restrictive diet, there just isn't a thing I can do, other than pray for all of them. I do that, daily, and gladly. But sometimes I wish I could bake something like a cheesecake (I'm a very skilled cook and baker, but now am diabetic), but none of them will hear of it, and they're all very glad to help me. Loving people, that's for sure, which is why I often feel guilty of "using" them, though they all insist it's their pleasure to help me.
Load More Replies...
For the not respecting anyone's boundaries, I worked with a woman who would stand less than six inches from (my) face--anyone's face---and talk VERY LOUDLY throughout the conversation. She wasn't hard of hearing, she wasn't trying to be mean--she was, in fact, a very kind and caring person otherwise---but she truly thought having conversations, no matter how private the topic, meant that she had to be super close and had to repeat everything back to the other person in that loud, carrying voice. Haven't seen her since 2016, when I retired, thankfully!
They want you to be your chauffeur. And that's why I don't date anyone who doesn't drive anymore. I'm not dealing with that again. (Yes you do kind of need a car around here.) I have friends who don't drive who are cool, but dates seem to think I'm an unpaid chauffeur. I guess financial stuff too. Some people are just out to leech off of others. If they always want money, run. Unless this is a sugar baby situation that you both agreed to.
Their username is CII and they think that being pedantic about minor typos and making snarky comments compensates for their total lack of personality.
yeah fr and to think, younger me would have thought ThEy WeRe ThE oNlY sAnE oNe HeRe GoD wHy Is EvErYoNe So StUpId. jeez, that's cringe. hope Cll grows out of it like i did
Load More Replies... They forgot this one: they only contact you when they want something. I get that a lot because I'm really skilled at lots of random stuff. Once a person asks me for their third favour I reply with "Hello MYNAME, how are you, is your life ok?" and they often do not get the sarcasm.
I sometimes fear that I'M the one who's "needy," because I'm unable to reciprocate in kind when my friends help me out. I get a lot of help, being the oldest local member of our church---I'm old enough to be mother and grandmother to everyone else (my own children died too young to have children of their own, so I have no family)---but because of my age, my health issues, the distance I live from everyone else, my very small car, very small income, and just being on a rather restrictive diet, there just isn't a thing I can do, other than pray for all of them. I do that, daily, and gladly. But sometimes I wish I could bake something like a cheesecake (I'm a very skilled cook and baker, but now am diabetic), but none of them will hear of it, and they're all very glad to help me. Loving people, that's for sure, which is why I often feel guilty of "using" them, though they all insist it's their pleasure to help me.
Load More Replies... For the not respecting anyone's boundaries, I worked with a woman who would stand less than six inches from (my) face--anyone's face---and talk VERY LOUDLY throughout the conversation. She wasn't hard of hearing, she wasn't trying to be mean--she was, in fact, a very kind and caring person otherwise---but she truly thought having conversations, no matter how private the topic, meant that she had to be super close and had to repeat everything back to the other person in that loud, carrying voice. Haven't seen her since 2016, when I retired, thankfully!
They want you to be your chauffeur. And that's why I don't date anyone who doesn't drive anymore. I'm not dealing with that again. (Yes you do kind of need a car around here.) I have friends who don't drive who are cool, but dates seem to think I'm an unpaid chauffeur. I guess financial stuff too. Some people are just out to leech off of others. If they always want money, run. Unless this is a sugar baby situation that you both agreed to.
