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“Cheeks Sore From Laughing”: 30 Green Flags To Look For When Dating
Interview With Expert
We often hear about how treacherous the dating scene is. Whether you’re meeting potential partners on apps or trying your luck the old-fashioned way, it’s hard to predict how they’ll behave on a first date. As soon as they’re rude to the server during dinner or reveal that they’re anti-vax, you might as well cut your losses and enjoy a night at home with a pint of ice cream.
But if you’re still looking for “the one,” we don’t want you to lose faith, pandas. It’s absolutely possible to have positive experiences when dating; the stories below are proof of that! Redditors have been sharing green flags that they spotted on first dates that immediately made them want to schedule a second one. So enjoy scrolling through these wholesome stories, and keep reading to find conversations with the person who started this thread, Couples and Relationship Coach Quincy Schmidt and Dating Coach Amie Leadingham!
This post may include affiliate links.
#1
According to my fiancée, it was when I first went to her house and get cat sat in my lap. Her cat hates everyone but loved me.
To find out how this thread started in the first place, we got in touch with Liam, aka Reddit user YaBoiLeeDawg. He was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda, and answer a few of our questions.
"I think I'd been browsing the Ask Reddit sub a few days in a row, and I kept seeing posts asking about red flags," Liam noted. "I thought 'enough is enough, let's hear about what you SHOULD look for on a first date.'"
So what does Liam consider to be "green flags" when dating? "For me, it's all about engaging in conversations and taking genuine interest," he shared. "I always think it's a good sign if the person I'm at a restaurant with asks about my food; it starts a topical conversation and shows they care."
RELATED:
#2
For me, it was the retry worthy f**k ups. My first date with my now wife we had dinner and the host happened to know me from college. It was his first day and he kept coming up to us to chat. He was seriously annoying. That made my date and I agree to try again.
Second date, movie which had technical difficulties. We got a free movie pass out of the deal.
Third date, paint balling, she got shot in the eye by some punk teenager while she was fixing her mask. We bonded in the hospital over the situation.
Fourth date, comedy show. The lady next to us was the worst heckler I have ever seen. Super disruptive. That lady and her friends were kicked out and the rest of the acts were... meh.
It goes on and on. Every time we try to do something romantic, something happens that ruins the mood. We laugh it off and memories are made. That was 10 years ago and we still talk about it. It reminds me of the movie Hitch staring Will Smith.
As for whether red or green flags are easier to spot, Liam says red ones are usually more obvious. "Everyone has a list of things they consider 'non-negotiables', so it's easy to see someone straying towards something on that list, rather than recognizing someone being a good, decent human."
Finally, we asked the author what he thought of the responses to his post. "I think the replies were great, and I even had a few chuckles. As a big Lego fan myself, the comment about Bionicle had me giggling. As for whether it changed my approach to dating, I'd say it did. I definitely look out for situations where it seems neither of us want it to end, and that has never steered me wrong."
#3
I was anxious and needed to pee when I picked her up. I asked if I could use her bathroom before we left, and she said of course. She apologized if it was messy, as she shared a house with several other people, including a couple of guys.
So I went in to pee and found a Lego pirate ship on the back of the toilet. After I was done, I asked her if it was a roommates and she said (proudly, mind you), "No, it's mine!"
We'll be celebrating 26 years of marriage this month.
#4
When they actually pay attention to what you're talking about and even make the effort to come back to the topic if interrupted.
To learn more about this topic from a relationship expert, we also got in touch with ICF PCC Certified Coach Quincy Schmidt. First, we wanted to know if he thinks red or green flags are more important to look out for. "I think knowing what red flags are significant to your personal experience and history are very valuable," Quincy shared. "It helps a great deal to know what to look for that you'd like to avoid."
"I also think that's where most people stop in that pursuit of awareness. And that makes sense in a way. Knowing what your red flags are is relatively passive. They are not comfortable, but they don't take as much intentional work as green flags," the expert continued. "Red flags are easier to see because we can look back at our previous relationships, and they stick out like a sore thumb! They are quite valuable in that way. But in a sense, you're now aware of, and looking for the things you DONT want."
#5
Talking for 5 hours but only thinking the date lasted around 90 minutes.
Prius Owner 8 months ago
Einstein was once asked to explain relativity. He said you talk to a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like five minutes. You touch a hot stove for one second and it seems like an hour. That's relativity!
Quincy also noted that looking for green flags can be an uphill battle. "They take work to investigate for yourself. The beginning of that work is to notice the red flags, but then start to extrapolate and investigate 'What are things that I DO want present in my relationships going forward?' Negativity bias has us prepare for the things we are afraid of, so we can seek safety before the danger comes."
"But this primes us to look for what we don't want. This helps us to notice what we don't want. After I buy a red car, all of a sudden all I see are red cars. They were there the whole time, but now that I have a frame of reference for them they seem to be everywhere," the expert explained. "That's what we want to get to with green flags."
#6
When you get to the point that you run out of ideas on stuff to do but you both want tokeep the date going so you end up just aimlessly wandering around.
"Green flags are less passive. We need to look inside ourselves and think about what most benefitted us in previous relationships," Quincy continued. "Or what was missing that we want to have in our relationships going forward. That way we can see the green flags from a mile away as well."
"In this way, I think knowing our green flags is MORE important than knowing our red flags," he shared. "We just seldom take the time to do that uphill work. After all, we already know what we don't want. And that's useful right? Yes, AND, green flags are a further extension of that usefulness! It just takes a bit of work."
#7
On our second date, my now-boyfriend had no issue with me paying (I had invited him out this time, I wanted to take -him- on a date) which made me confident that he isn’t someone with an ego related to masculine stereotypes (man always has to pay etc). Made me feel like an equal partner right away.
He also never played games, and would text me shortly after the date was over to continue our conversation or tell me he had a good time :) our 3 year anniversary is in December, he’s a good one.
Luke Branwen 8 months ago
Idk why those relationship "games" are even a thing. If I fall in love with someone, I can no longer imagine my life without them and will do anything possible to keep them in it, not "play games".
If you want to learn how to spot green flags, Quincy says it's a very personal journey. "First dates can be exciting, or anxiety producing, or any number of other excitatory, 'up' feelings. If you have investigated and know what green flags to look for for yourself, you may be able to see them more clearly through the cloud of excitement happening when you meet someone new," he shared.
"What made you feel safe in previous relationships? What made you feel cared for in previous relationships? Green flags are in the realm of moving toward pleasure, while red flags are in the realm of moving away from pain," the expert continued. "Take into perspective what made you feel pleasure over the course of relationships rather than getting caught up in the new relationship energy of what pleasure looks like in this very moment on the date. Bigger picture stuff. Zoom out and take in that perspective. New relationship energy is great in a lot of ways. Enjoy it."
#8
On my first date with the man who is now my fiance, we walked from our high school to a local restaurant and he insisted on walking on the side of the sidewalk that was closest to the road. In that moment he reminded me of my grandfather, who had recently passed, because when I was a small child my grandfather told me "A gentleman always walks closer to traffic than the lady." It just gave me a really good feeling about him, that he was polite and a little bit old-fashioned.
Richard Iachetta 8 months ago
Grandpa didn't mislead you. Gentlemanly courtesy is always a good sign.
"But also realize that it doesn't contribute to you seeing clearly in the moment. The past is a great teacher if you don't use it to beat yourself up about what you did wrong," Quincy told Bored Panda. "Instead, use it to learn how you'd like to have relationships going forward. Green Flags for the win!"
We also asked Quincy if he had any tips for giving off green flags when dating. "I would go back to the themes of self investigation," he shared. "The better you know yourself, and the more confidently you can speak to what you know about yourself, the greater the green flag in my opinion."
"If you are performing for the date across from you, something that isn’t authentic, just to win them over, that is going to come back to bite you later in the form of something you can’t, or won’t want to maintain," the expert added.
#10
My SO of 8 years says he knew he first realised he liked me when we were escorting my drunk housemate home from a night club at 2am. We were animatedly talking about comic book heroes as we held her up between us on her stupid high heels. He realised half way that I wasn't complaining about my feet because I'd chosen to wear skate shoes with my sl**ty dress to the club, because wearing high heels in a crowded place with stairs when I plan to drink is stupid and I'm not a T-rexxer.
(A T-rexxer being a girl who exits a club clutching her bag in one hand and heels in the other and limps home without a jacket yelling for chips).
"You don’t know all the things you don’t know about yourself. But what you don’t know isn’t what matters. Advertising the things you do know in a way that’s authentic to you is the ultimate green flag," Quincy told Bored Panda. "Even if someone doesn’t connect with that part of you, or doesn’t want that in a partner, people appreciate authenticity. It acts as its own filter. 'If I express myself and you don’t like my authentic expression, this probably won’t work anyway, so I appreciate knowing that up front and you probably do too!'"
Finally, he added that people connect with confidence, even when the attribute you’re confident in isn’t something they’re into.
"Confidence comes from knowing yourself and projecting what you know about yourself," Quincy explained. "If you hide because you’re afraid of rejection, they don’t even get the opportunity to like what you’re hiding. So investigating what you may be afraid to show of yourself, and then finding ways to own it instead of hide it, is the ultimate green flag."
#11
She seems genuinely curious about you. Asks about your life and your past etc. Instead of just talking about herself.
General Anaesthesia 8 months ago
That's enough talk about me, let's talk about you. What do you like the most about me?
#12
When you find out a hidden common interest that ya'll'd've never talked about and things get more intimate and close
Edit: I'd've never known that ya'lld've absolutely loved that contraction lol I never thought id ever have a situation where I'd've needed it.
We were also fortunate enough to get in touch with Amie Leadingham, aka Amie the Dating Coach, to hear her thoughts on this topic. She says it's just as important to look for green flags as red flags when dating.
"When we focus only on red flags, we're essentially just trying to avoid disaster, but green flags help us identify relationships worth investing in," the relationship expert explained. "Green flags can tell us so much about a person's character and compatibility – when someone consistently shows up on time, communicates clearly, respects your boundaries, and shows genuine interest in your life, these indicate deeper qualities like reliability, emotional intelligence, respect, and care."
#13
I was driving her home and a good song came on the radio and we listened to the whole thing without talking or interrupting. Most natural feeling in the world.
KatSaidWhat 8 months ago
Whereas my ex dislikes George Ezra because he has the wrong voice for a white guy and absolutely would not listen to my favourite Alanis song despite being a "musician" himself.
Amie also shared some of the green flags that she encourages her clients to look for. "I absolutely recommend my clients look for active listening as a top green flag on dates! When someone truly listens, maintaining eye contact, putting their phone away, referencing things you've mentioned earlier – it shows they value your thoughts and feelings," she noted.
"I can't tell you how many clients have told me about dates where the other person just waited for their turn to speak instead of actually listening. That's why I get excited when I hear about someone who asks thoughtful follow-up questions about what you've shared," Amie continued.
#14
Went for a couple drinks and split an appetizer, we started talking about maybe checking out a bar down the street. I excused myself to go to the bathroom, I'm gone mayyyyybe 5 minutes, get back to the table and she's paid the bill. I was shocked, as I had fully intended to pay and had never been on a first date where the girl had grabbed the cheque (probably because I wouldn't let them if they tried). 5 years later, think I just settled on a ring the other day. Wish me luck!
Amie says empathy is another crucial green flag she always emphasizes. "Can they understand your perspective even when it differs from theirs? Vulnerability is equally important," she shared. "I love when someone can appropriately share their authentic self, rather than putting up a perfect façade."
"And finally, I'm a huge advocate for looking at communication skills. Do they ask meaningful questions that go beyond small talk? Can they express their thoughts clearly? I've found these qualities are the foundation for meaningful connection, and I've seen incredible relationships bloom when these green flags are present from the beginning," the expert told Bored Panda. "When someone shows these qualities early on, I tell my clients they've potentially found someone worth investing their time and heart in."
#15
Nice driving.
You come to full stops at an intersection? Don't run any red lights, play conservatively with yellow lights? Treat my life like it matters?
You're on the right path. I've let too many crazed girlfriends shuttle me around while texting, doing their makeup, etc. etc.
And how can people make sure they're giving off green flags as well? "I always tell my clients that one of the most powerful green flags you can show is making your date feel truly seen and valued," Amie shared. "I've witnessed so many connections fizzle out because people get stuck in those safe, surface-level conversations about work, hobbies, and favorite TV shows. While those topics are fine starting points, they rarely create meaningful connection."
#16
We came to the end of our coffee date. I decided after an hour to give her an escape ladder, because it seemed to me that she wasn't really into it. Oh, well.
"Thanks so much," I said. "This was fun."
She looked at her watch and said, "What are you doing right now? Wanna go to (another place) and get lunch?"First date lasted 4 hours, including walk in the rain and memorable goodbye smooch. Our son is in first grade and we now spend a lot of our extra income on Legos and life is good.
"What I recommend instead is approaching your date with genuine curiosity about who they really are as a whole person," Amie continued. "Ask questions that invite them to share their values, dreams, and what matters most to them."
"Something like 'What's bringing you joy in your life right now?' or 'What are you looking forward to in the next year?' can open up beautiful conversations. I've found that when my clients practice active listening and follow up thoughtfully on what their date shares, it creates this wonderful dynamic where the other person feels not just heard but truly understood," the expert shared.
#17
Our first date was Guardians of the Galaxy. I was running a little behind schedule, so she took it upon herself to pay for snacks. We worked together and she's apparently liked me for ages (i was clueless) so she already knew my favorite snacks. They were out of the candy I wanted, so she walked to the candy shop nearby and bought 3 boxes of it.
Our 2nd date was TMNT a week later. If you saw the first showing, they give you a mask/headband representing one of the turtles. I didnt get the one I wanted, but im not about to complain and ruin a 2nd date. She knew that, excused herself to the restroom, and came back with that sweet sweet Raph mask that she knew I wanted. She said she'd heard me mention it days before, and decided to trade with someone.
Those may seem like dumb little things that dont hold any weight to you, but I'm never letting go of her.
#18
No one seems to talk about this, but I always consider it the most important.
The first green flag to consider is if you are in a good place in your life. Are you in control of your life direction, your finances, your mental health, your physical health? Are you building or maintaining a healthy social group?
Or, are you looking for someone to fix your problems (consciously or subconsciously)? Because this is a sure way to take even the most amazing person and drag their life through your s**t.
#19
I’ve been on a few first dates to the park, and took my dog along (public place, can use the dog as an excuse to cut it short if we’re not hitting it off). If my dog likes him, that’s a green flag for me.
#20
On our first date with my current BF of 2+ years, we were getting along well but the way we really connected was when we started talking about stupid memes... His eyes lit up when he realized that his stupid sense of humor is just like mine!
#21
When you find you’re comfortable enough with someone to open up about those parts of yourself that you’d normally be a little afraid to reveal - the insecurities, desires, dreams you hold inside yourself, and that you’re afraid of being mocked or criticized for. And then they react in a safe, supportive manner.
#23
I dated a woman who said one of the things she liked was that I didn't try anything sexual on the first date. Well, it wasn't so much a date as we went out with a few mutual friends and hit it off. We got pretty drunk so I let her sleep at my place. We shared a bed, but that's it.
She was all over me on the second date. Fun times!
Alexia 8 months ago
Reading about these green flags now, I realize how I came across all their opposites (red flags). I dated a guy who was very religious and was looking for his "soul mate". Less than an hour after we had met, he suddenly put his arm around my neck and tried to kiss me. He was almost offended by my rejection. That was our only date. Years later, I met him accidentally; he was still looking for his "soul mate".
#24
On our first date in high school, my wife tried to pay for the movie tickets and then the snacks at the movie. After the movie she gave me a big hug and we held hands while walking around the mall. We had our first kiss later that evening. I think the green flags were how sweet and caring she is. That was 10 years ago but I will never forget how it made me feel.
#25
If either person does something ridiculously embarrassing and the other person laughs. I guess there are situations where someone is literally laughing at you, but usually if you laugh fart or spit food trying to talk and someone laughs at you it's because they like you, not making fun of you. If they laugh and walk out, yeah, that's a different situation, but if you're having a good time and do something embarrassing and the other person laughs that's a good sign you're on the same page.
#26
While meeting up with a girl I met on tinder at a coffee house, a little bit of spittle flew out of my mouth and hit her on the forehead while I was talking. I noticed. She noticed. I noticed she pretended not to notice. Clearly she is the kind of person who doesn't sweat the small stuff. The rest of the date went smoothly.
We've been married for 2.5 years now.
#27
This may seem weird, but he told me all of his red flags. This could be taken as a red flag in itself, but I really appreciated it. It helped me to understand the person I was getting into a relationship with.
Cari Owens 7 months ago
I think this shows he was self aware, that he knew he had behaviors that he needed to work on to change in order to become a better partner.
#28
Having a funny discussion. The one kind where you defend blue and she defends red. And in the meantime both are walking through a park, a mall, or just being somewhere.
And when both agree going somewhere just for the experience. I really like people trying new stuff and not complaining for so even though they liked it or not.
Luke Branwen 8 months ago
Ok, can be cute if the discussion is about a harmless topic like "which Star Wars movie is the best?". Not something like "Does X group deserve human rights?"
#29
Met a guy at a bar, he had a cake tin in a bag next to him.
Two weeks later he baked me a cake for my birthday, and we’ve been together now 19 years,.
Only downside is he never baked me another cake!
#30
Someone who takes responsibility for planning fun activities and puts in the effort to ask meaningful questions. All small talk at a bar is the worst.
#31
When she asked me before kissing me and and asked me if it was okay if she asked me to come back home with her.
Feels good, as a man, to feel like your feelings actually matter.
#32
If it’s a creative date. For example, me and my girlfriend went on a date on Halloween. We just went around town to see who we recognized and had an overall great time.
#33
On my first date with my boyfriend we went out to breakfast. I always order bacon with my waffles and totally forgot because i was nervous. I was low key sad about it and told him i forgot and laughed it off. When our food came he split his bacon with me. Really made me like him, since he had just told me bacon is his favorite. And he let me pay since he drove which is a huge plus for me!
#34
We went for tea and on our way back, he parked in front of my house and we spent 5 hours in the car just chatting!! 5 hours!!! It felt like one, but we talked about anything and everything! And there had been some reports of burglaries around my place so the police suddenly asked us to step out and questioned us being there and asked for our IDs, we complied cheerfully and when they were asking for our information and asked for our ages, 27/28, the officer just replied "well whaddaya know?, the *perfect couple*!"
We both blushed and smiled and at the same time, we put an arm around the other in the most natural way, and giggled a bit.
After that night, we just knew.. Been together for 6months, already thinking of marriage! ♥️
I can't get enough of him!
#35
When they are kind to animals and people in the service industry - ESPECIALLY if they don't know you're watching them.
#36
Being able to communicate feelings without placing blame is another huge one. If your SO can handle conflict by staying calm, band communicating their needs without placing blame, then you’ve got a keeper.
Also, when they verbally say “I really like you, and I’d love to go on a second date.” I never ever had to wonder if my boyfriend and I were something more- he always made and still does say out loud how he feels about me (Not ushy gushy but just genuine affection) . It was always clear where we stood with each other. Words of affirmation is huge for me, so it was a green flag for me.
#37
When she cracks a "stupid" joke that you think is super funny but would not have told on a first date.
Nothing sexier than a girl who’s comfortable with herself and doesn’t stick to "good girl" attitude just to fit in.
#38
I went to the movies on a date with a girl. She skipped RomComs and picked an action movie. When we were almost to the theater, she said "Pull over, we need to get candy before we go. I'm not paying $6 for cookie dough bites."
We've been together 9 years, married 5.
#39
For me the biggest one is they have hobbies and interests beyond "hanging out with friends and watching netflix.".
#40
The first time my now husband ever touched me it felt like I knew him a 1,000 years already. I don’t like being touched, and the instant comfort I got.. I knew I wasn’t just going after booty on this one.
#42
Asking her where she wants to eat and she actually tells you.
#43
When you show her your Bionicles collection and she's not impressed because she has the same sets as you.
#44
If he or she is flirting and touching you not sexually,but just not being shy. If you're comfortable I guess it's a green flag.
#45
Her: gets her food and starts eating.
Me: "is that spicy?"
Her (mouth full, hot sauce on chin): "maybe of you're a b***h.".
#46
My honey and I met online and after about 2 weeks of text, chat and call exchanges we met in a public place. I will never forget the look he had on his face when he turned around to look for me when I was entering the doors. It was a bright-eyed, genuinely happy look. The date was a hit and when we were leaving, he walked me to his car and bid his adieu. I thought it was strange that he chose not to walk me to my car and asked him about it a little later. He told me that he didn’t want to freak me out or make me feel pressured in any way. So yeah, celebrating our “one year” anniversary on Friday and the kindness and compassion have only intensified.
#47
He got down on the floor to play with my dog pretty much right after saying hi. My dog flipped over for belly rubs and I knew right then I was going to marry this man.
#48
When they use commas appropriately.
#49
When something unexpected happens to the other person and they are cool about it. Spilled drink in their lap, wrong food comes out, car gets scratched in the parking lot. Seeing how someone deals with the unexpected will tell you a lot about whey they're *really* like.
#50
I don't know if I was on an actual date, so I don't know if this counts...
We spent an hour and a half talking at a coffee shop, touched each other's hands and arms repeatedly, and when I was walking her home, I put my right arm through her left. Kept talking, she didn't break stride or react at all, we just walked arm in arm 3 more blocks and across a park to her place. I think that's a pretty good sign that there's a comfort level there, right? We'd chatted in person a couple times before and had been emailing back and forth for over 3 months before she had time to get together.
AND she wants to get together again so I can meet her friends. Not sure when though. I did tell her that I *liked her* liked her, in a reversion to middle school communication patterns, and she said that she thinks she's going to end up a Buddhist nun, which kind of skews things a bit... Help?
#51
I met my boyfriend on tinder a little over 2 years ago. We talked for 2 or 3 months before even meeting. The two big green flags for me was that we talked all day every day and it just felt so normal we talked ab everything and anything, the other one was that he never asked me about my sexual past or s*x experience until after we already started being boyfriend and girlfriend.
I just feel like any time I ever talked to a guy they would always ask ab my s*x experience within the first few hours or days and for someone who had none at the time it made me feel inadequate kind of.
But our first date together is the greatest thing. We went to see a movie, we’re both a little shy and awkward so we barely even talked, we sat as far away from each other as possible, and at the end of the date he brought me home and I got out of the car so fast bc I was SO NERVOUS. I thought I ruined the whole date by not talking enough and running away lol but I thought he was nice and cute. I thought that it was over! Then about an hour later I got a text from him asking if we could do it again sometime and how much fun he had and I was just so happy he wanted to see me again!!
Ugh I love him so much to this day.
#53
Went to a billiards hall for our first date, her choice.
She wore jeans and didn't wear heels.
Went in on a pitcher of beer with me.
#55
Extending a date beyond what was previously established is definitely a green flag. My first date with my now girlfriend started initially as just a quick coffee date at Tim Hortons in the afternoon. We ended up having dinner together that night and spent a bit of time “parked” after as well.
#56
I stay focused on him because of our genuine connection and engaging interactions.
I have social anxiety and some kind of add - if my attention wanders and you’re right in front of me, then this is a problem.
#57
Dated a girl who identified as pansexual. I was a lot more naive then and didnt really understand the concept. So I asked her what that meant for our relationship, and she asked, "What do you mean? Like threesomes?" And I said, "No, I mean like we will stay exclusive"
She later mentioned that was essentially a green flag because so many people wanna take advantage of her open-mindedness.
Lyoness 8 months ago (edited)
If anyone was wondering (I know I've had to explain it) pansexual refers to someone who can be attracted to someone of any gender or no gender at all. Edit to add that some people who are pan (at least that I know and can personally confirm) will talk about being attracted to a personality or who the person is regardless of gender. Also adding a link: https://www.healthline.com/health/bisexual-vs-pansexual
#58
My now husband and I went to see a band on our first date. When he ushered me to the back of the club to talk to me the rest of the night instead of watching the band...I took that as a green flag.
What do you think ?
Andrew Arons 8 months ago
I took my wife to an art museum on our first date, basically to trick her into thinking I'm classy. After about an hour of wandering around, she asked me "Would you be upset if we just go to the restaurant? I'm hungry and my feet hurt." That's when I knew I met my soulmate.
BookFanatic 8 months ago
Did the stereotypical "dinner and a movie" for a first date. The only reason he got a second date was because he had two cats and showed me pictures of them.
Andrew Arons 8 months ago
I took my wife to an art museum on our first date, basically to trick her into thinking I'm classy. After about an hour of wandering around, she asked me "Would you be upset if we just go to the restaurant? I'm hungry and my feet hurt." That's when I knew I met my soulmate.
BookFanatic 8 months ago
Did the stereotypical "dinner and a movie" for a first date. The only reason he got a second date was because he had two cats and showed me pictures of them.
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